A fresh month

It seems insane to me that we're starting a new month already. February was not a good month for me overall, and frankly I'm rather glad it's over and done with. I spent basically the whole of the month sick and half of it unhappy and it's all but left a bad taste in my mouth. The only reason it hasn't is because I couldn't control a lot of the bad stuff, and the negative things were just fall out of what I couldn't necessarily control. I only got 10 days of activity in for the month, and that is depressing, but there was a whole week I did nothing but work my two shifts and the rest I spent in bed. The chest cold I am now all but over really did a number on me. I'm glad I took a break from the exercise and didn't push myself. It was worth it if it helped me get better more quickly. I'm feeling pretty good physically right now, just a little weak, still. When I exercise now it's a little harder than it normally is, and I feel the strain much sooner. This week tho I have been pushing to do it and have persevered so far. Today I wanted to start the month off on the right foot, and I got some elliptical in before I went in for work, which was a first for me. Normally I save it for later, because I sweat so much and unless I have time to wash my hair I haven't wanted to go to work after elliptical. I also told myself that it would be too hard to be on my feet walking around all shift after high intensity exercise. But today after some debate I just decided to do it, and said to hell with the excuses. I just my normal time on it in half, that was all I had time for, but I think that was smart anyway, as I did have to be on my feet all shift, after all. My hair was a little frizzy when I left for work, but oh well, it has definitely looked the same on other ocassions, due to lack of sleep/time, so no worries. I could feel my thigh muscles at work, they were a litle fatigued, but nothing to bother me, so I'm really happy that I pushed myself and did it, because I knew I wouldn't want to exercise when I got home from work, especially since I tire so much more easily these days. I think I might try getting activity in during the mornings for a time and see how that works for me. I know I felt good leaving for work knowing I already had my activity in. I want to make this month a good one for activity, I want to have a better month than last one. I wasn't going to sign up for the activity challenge this month on the WW boards, but at last minute today I decided I would. I stopped posting about halfway through the month, after having made it one of my not-resolutions in January. I don't know if I will start posting on the OP thread again at least, I haven't made my mind up yet. I just felt I wasn't contributing anything special, because my days are all the same. I was also hoping I would connect with people, but I just ended up feeling invisable, which is the opposite of what I was trying to achieve when you get down to it. I wanted to feel part of something, not emphasise how I am NOT part of something. I know it would be different if I had more going on in my life, but when you're posting the same thing day after day, it's hard for people to relate to you, I think. Okay I have all but made my mind up right now to keep posting on the OP thread for this month and not withdraw completely. It should help motivate me to keep meeting the guidelines, as there have been a few days the past week where I didn't get my second dairy or oils in. It's too easy to let such behaviours become a habit.

I didn't WI today, mostly because I looked to show a gain, and I WI'd on Sunday last week. I'm tempted to make Sunday my WI day from now on, because my points week starts on Monday anyway. The problem is that I like to have some treats at the end of the work week, and this can interfer with showing a good number at WI. I also close on Saturday tho, so eating a late supper meal on Saturday night will affect the scale on Sunday morning, as it did today because I had a late supper last night. Maybe I should make my Wi day Friday so I can avoid all of this. But this has illuminated an issue I have been skirting around, and that is the one of making it a numbers game, which I have done from time to time. I do not want to show a gain at WI. I want to lose weight as steadily as I can. I have hated seeing the scale up all week, after posting a gain last week. The only reason why I have not let it affect me overall is that I know I have been eating the same way as I normally do, for the most part, and I was even exercising this week. I've not done anything to be ashamed of. Tonight I had to work late and I was tempted to alter my supper from what I want to eat and can eat, only because I am mindful of having to step on the scale tomorrow. This is not how I want to live, and I am very aware tonight that if I eat a light supper just in hopes of getting closer to a STS tomorrow, then I am only trying to fool myself. If I do that I am placing too much importance on the number. I have never wanted to do that. I realised I was doing it, and I've instead committed to eating what I want for supper tonight, because I am hungry, and because I am in the mood for a treat, and not restricting myself just so I can try to manipulate the scale tomorrow. I have lots of DPs left, and almost all of my FPs, so it is not an issue in the least about whether I can 'afford it'. I think this will be good for me, if I have to log a gain tomorrow. Now, I did experience a twinge to type that at the thought of another gain, but I know it will be good to relax more about it, and to just keep on keeping on. I don't want to be the type of woman who skips meals on the day of her WI because she has to WI in the evening. There may be a difference in the numbers for a few weeks, but overall it will all come out in the wash. If I establish a norm of having a WI after a night where I had a heavy meal late at night, then things will settle back down, and the scale should start moving down again, after the initial adjustment period. Yes, I want the number to go down so badly that even after so much time I still think of it constantly, but I do not want to let it consume me. I want to be healthy. I do not want an unhealthy obsession with numbers to dictate my life. If I show a gain tomorrow, it will be because of having to eat later meals on the weekend due to my work schedule. I do not eat late meals when I can control mealtime. I have been ill, and that has thrown off my routine. My activity level has changed, and as a result there has been a change in the amount of food I have been eating. I have started introducing activity again after a haitus. For all of these reasons it is not unreasonable that the scale will be unpredictable, even uncooperative. That is less important than me staying OP and making healthy, good choices, which I have been doing. Which I am making an effort to do.

I have nothing to be ashamed of...I think that is what I have really been trying to say, what I have really been needing to tell myself, and reiterate. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I also have no reason to punish myself. However long it takes, that's how long it will take, as long as I am making good choices, that is what matters. I have not let the scale become the end all-be all, and I refuse to let myself start now.

Earned 6 APs yesterday: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 60 min free weights

Earned 4 APs today: 25 min elliptical