It's Delle!

Someone on the WW boards mentioned they read my blog (news to me, I didn't think anybody stopped by here aside from my best friend!), so I thought I should put a little blurb about me. I made this journal so I can keep track of the things I'm doing and how I'm thinking and feeling as I journey along the road to getting thinner. It's not intended to be written to an audience, it is honestly something I am writing to myself, and I find it so helpful to be able to look back even 4 months ago and see what kinds of things I was many of our experiences in life slip through the cracks, and I want to remember as many of them as I can in relation to my weight loss; the good, the bad, and even the oh so ugly ones!

So many people say they've struggled with their weight for years, but this is not tue for me. I've been overweight from my earliest memories, and morbidly obese all of my adult life, but I was not the type to yo-yo diet, so in that sense I was not struggling. I don't know what my highest weight was because I didn't have a scale to weigh myself when I started getting set to lose weight. In the year before I started WW I started trying to eat less junk food and to get a little activity into my routine. When I started WW I was 288 lbs and wearing a size 22, and I know the year before I was wearing a size 26 (which was tight on me), so I'm guessing I was easily in the low 300 lb-range at my highest weight.

For the first year of my weight loss journey I was incredibly focussed and motivated. I was keeping my weight loss a secret from my family back home in Newfoundland, and my goal was to surprise them on my trip home in July. Needless to say it was quite a shock to a lot of people when I showed up over 100 lbs lighter without any warning!

Right now I am getting back on track after my trip back home. I wasn't following WW for a while due to comp issues, not to mention life issues, and I've gained back some of the weight I had lost. I got away from journalling, but I'm back at it again and am using it to help me get my focus back. I also like using it to keep track of my activity, although I've not had an organised execise regime for a few months now due to an injury. I'm getting back into my activity, however, and I will be updating all my numbers soon.

As I said, I don't write in this blog with an audience in mind, but if anyone had any questions or comments on anything here, please don't hesitate to post!

BTW, the name of my blog came from a comment my supervisor at work made one day when I was in the middle of a full-blown rant about something I had to do that was infuriating me. He interrupted me and said something to the tune of, "Don't worry about it you don't have to do it. And my goodness look at you! Where are you going, everytime I see you, you're smaller! It's crazy, you're the incredible shrinking woman!!" The moment was funny and unexpected and seemed to sum up my life right now, so I came home and re-titled my blog.

Now all I need is a cape...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The little comment that could

I was visiting Cranky Fitness today, as per my normal daily routine, and I found myself wanting to comment on today's post. Only the problem is that I found I had a lot I wanted to share about my thoughts on this topic, and rather than try to stifle myself, I decided to just say it here instead of leaving a long rambly comment over there.

The post was called, "Segregate fat people: a good idea?", and the topic was the merits of offering yoga classes geared toward people who are overweight.

What a great post! I find it fascinating how word choice can affect the nature of some people's reactions. There were some passionate responses and I was interested in all of them. I find I got rather passionate myself about my views, thank you Merry for getting us all thinking, what fun! :)

Providing a class that accommodates different wants and needs is simply providing more options for people to choose from.

I definitely feel that the use of the word "segregation" has emotionally charged a topic that I believe normally wouldn't bat many people's eyelashes. Segregation, technically, is when something is NOT presented as an option, and you do NOT have a choice as to which you'd prefer.

If when you went to the gym, you were told that since you weigh over X amount of lbs, you would be put in the "Big Yoga" class, this would indeed be segregation, and not a positive thing at all. Anything that takes away your power to choose for yourself is obviously negative and undesirable.

But the post didn't mention other people doing the choosing for you, it talked about classes being made available that account for specific needs/wants. The key point is that they are made available, not mandatory. True segregation is based on some form of discrimination, but how can providing more options to choose from be considered discrimination? If you eat at a restaurant and notice the menu has a section titled "Healthy Choices" or some such, do you believe this some form of discrimination or segregation? Only if the server informs you that since you are overweight your meal MUST be taken from that section or you will not be served.

We all have different preferences and priorities, and we make our choices based on them. Having a wide range of options simply means that there is a higher chance that everyone can choose something that works best for them.

I really don't get why it is a big deal to some people. It's not like efforts aren't already made at gyms to accommodate various wants/needs. On the most basic level, a wide, wide range of exercise equipment can be found in any decent-sized gym. Why? It would be crazy to expect a person workout out to include every different type of equipment in the gym, they'd be there all day (and probably all night as well, because they'd be too exhausted to move afterward to get themselves home). The why is simple, lots of equipment merely provides lots of options, allowing people to choose for themselves what is best for them.

And again, you see this happening at all levels. There are classes offered at different times of the day. There are classes on many different activities/exercises. There are classes offered on the same thing, but the only difference is the instructor teaching it. There are gyms that provide daycare services. There are gyms that are geared toward a specific gender, or age group.

No one thinks this is a big deal, so why would it be a big deal to offer one more option? We all make choices based on our priorities, and all these options simply try to account for them, eg., whether your priority is to find a gym closest to you, or classes in the morning because you prefer to workout in the am, or classes at night because you work all day, or gyms with daycare because you have kids and no babysitter at home, or even to find the one with the cheapest rates, etc etc.

I found it interesting that some people seem to have a negative attitude toward people who choose classes or gyms based on the desire to exercise around people who are similar in shape and/or ability, or even gender. For some, their priority is to find options that allow them to be comfortable when they exercise. How is that less worthy than someone choosing a gym simply because it is the one closest to their children's school, and it makes it easier for them to pick the kids up when they're done working out?

I find the attitude that some express of "Choosing gyms because you feel self-conscious workout out around guys or fit people is silly! I don't care what people think of me and my body, I exercise where I like! Suck it up and get some self-esteem!" to be rather insensitive, close-minded, and downright distasteful. How lovely for you that you are confident and self-assured, it is a wonderful thing to have a healthy self-esteem. But the reality is that not everyone has your situation. Would you look at a parent who wants a gym with daycare services and say, "I don't have kids and I workout when I please! Suck it up and work out at night so your partner can watch the kids instead!"

It really bothers me when people dismiss other people's concerns/priorities just because they're not important to them personally. I wouldn't choose a gym based on its daycare simply because I don't have kids and that is not a priority. I also wouldn't choose a gym based on the attractiveness/availability of people of the opposite gender or whether the treadmills have tv screens attached either. These things aren't important to me, but why would I look down my nose at people for whom these are a priority? I will never understand such people, and thankfully they seem to be in the minority.

I will also add that ultimately we are all concerned with exercising in an environment where we are comfortable. Maybe you're slender and fit and don't feel out of place at your gym, maybe you're overweight but unconcerned with whether you stand out. You probably find it hard to understand why someone would be uncomfortable exercising around people who are slender and fit. That's okay, we're all different, and it can be hard to understand the way other people experience the world. Perhaps you can't relate to the reasons behind why it would make someone uncomfortable, because your personality is different, but you must be able accept that people would rather not exercise somewhere that they are uncomfortable. Surely it is not a foreign concept; how happy would you be going to the gym if the people there constantly spit on the floors, there was no air conditioning, and it was common for people to make derogatory sexual comments to members of the opposite gender and follow them around like stalkers? Bet you wouldn't be too comfortable, and no wonder! The only difference between this and feeling self-conscious and depressed when having to work out around fit people is that the one would make any sane person uncomfortable while the other only applies to certain people. Ultimately, we all just want to be comfortable and able to relax and focus on what we're there for. I would just be happy if there were enough options to accommodate us all so that we can be all happy and able to exercise in comfort and contentment.

Back in my most morbidly obese days, I remember seeing a short docu on tv about something that I believe was called "Big Dance". It was started by a dance instructor who was offering dance classes that were open to beginners of any slant. She started noticing that the people in her class who were overweight were having difficulties with some of the moves/exercises. She said that she had never thought before about how people had different physical abilities in terms of simple things like bending, and that she had only conceptualised her instruction in terms of people's familiarity with dance. She started changing her instruction to take into account that some moves might be physically difficult for some people in the room, and eventually she started a class that focussed on dance moves for obese women. She talked about how life-changing it was for her to see the effect it had on these women to be in a class with people like themselves, to be able to dance and celebrate their bodies and feel confident in themselves and their movements. They started performing publicly, and there were clips of their dances, and I will never forget watching these morbidly obese women in tights and leotards, swaying and dancing with joy and confidence while people watched. I was in awe of these women and their confidence. I was probably around 350lbs at the time, and was in the process of eating a meal that would have stuffed two normal people. I watched that docu and cried through most of it.

Personally, I think offering "Big Yoga" would be a wonderful opportunity for people to whom it is important to have a yoga class suited to their size and ability. It would provide an option for some people who are miserable in their present classes, or who simply don't exercise at all.

In many ways, offering "Big Yoga" is no different than offering classes geared toward beginners vs experts. I think there are some slender people don't truly understand this, but exercise can definitely be a different experience depending on one's size and shape. It's not simply about one's stamina, it's about many different things, including flexibility. There are slender people who have difficulty with yoga not because they're not necessarily unfit, but just because they're not very flexible yet. Conversely, when someone is overweight, and/or a certain shape, yoga in particular can be very difficult at times.

I tried yoga once, and found it very taxing, and it was a beginners DVD. I don't have good balance, and I carry the bulk of my weight around my middle. I found some of the poses very difficult and painful in ways that slender people probably wouldn't, just because of the added strain all this weight around my middle puts on me. Certain poses are going to be more difficult to assume and maintain when a person is overweight, or simply a certain shape. A class that is geared toward overweight people would be safer and more efficient. It wouldn't require people to assume positions that place higher amount of strain on the muscles/joints of overweight people for long periods of time, and it would offer more exercises that take into account having to twist and bend with less flexibility or having to accommodate big boobs or a huge tummy getting in the way. It would mean that people would be less likely to hurt themselves unnecessarily, or to have to sit through exercises that they can't do because they can't get into that position. Offering classes that focus on specific needs/abilities helps make workouts more efficient for everyone involved, it's the whole principle behind having classes for beginners vs experts.

The flip side is this: offering classes that people who are normally too self-conscious to exercise will feel comfortable taking will help them gain self-confidence. We often get it through doing, and many people will say that when they are surrounded by people they feel similar to, most people feel a boost in confidence. Getting a chance to try yoga with people one is comfortable with could be the stepping stone for a person to become confident to start trying other exercises. It's one thing to say people should be able to just do a thing, but the reality is that a lot of us really need those stepping stones.

And as I said before, it's all about providing options. It's only a bad thing if people aren't given the option to choose what they want. You would still get overweight people who would choose to do "Small Yoga" instead of "Big Yoga", maybe because exercising around other overweight people isn't a priority to them, or they do their own modifications to the moves, or maybe because they like the instructor, or the time of day is better, or because that's the one their best friend is in.

And you know what? I bet you would also get some slender people who would choose to take "Big Yoga", maybe because exercising around other slender people isn't a priority to them, or they find the modifications helpful to them because they have arthritis, or maybe because they like the instructor, or the time of day is better, or because that's the one their best friend is in.

As long as actual segregation is not happening, and overweight people who try to join "Small Yoga" aren't told "Get out, you're too fat!", and slender people who try to join "Big Yoga" aren't told "Get out, you're ruining it for the fat people!", then why on earth would it be an issue? Look around you, we're a society based on variety, one trip down the toothpaste aisle should bring that fact home to you. An option does not become a less worthy option simply because it is not one that is important to you or one that you or most of the population would choose.

In the end, people will choose what they want, and three cheers for anything that results in more people choosing to be active and leads to people feeling happier, more confident, and more fit! :D

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Sweatin' buckets

The temperature was near the mid-30s today, and with the humidity it felt like 40. It's only a few degrees cooler than that in my flat, despite the fact that the sun has set. I have a high-powered fan pointing straight at me and I've been having to sit on a towel. The moment I shift out of the fan's range a sweat immediately breaks out all over my body.

Looks like I can finally say it...Summer is officially here. Joy! (please kill me)

I've had some things going on that have distracted me from writing, personal stuff that has me emotional, and exercising that has me busy and tired. Definitely yay! for one and boo! for the other.

The heat and the humidity kicking in has definitely had an effect on me, I've had a couple more miserable river walks, but in the last week I've been really careful about getting a lot of water into me before I set out, and my walks have become enjoyable again.

I've also had to adjust the times when I go, and on a couple days, whether I would even go at all. Yesterday was a repeat of the Sunday before my last post; did the workout first THEN the river walk. But despite the fact that the temp was probably 7 degrees hotter, I didn't long to throw myself into the river as I had last time (whether to cool off or simply drown myself is uncertain). Instead, I felt excellent when I was making my way into my building afterward. Yes I was tired and I had sweated OBSCENE amounts, but I felt really, really good too. The difference this time is that I loaded up on water all day (not that I drank more than usual per se, just drank it earlier in the day instead of evening like I normally do), and maybe more importantly, I made sure to have a meal with protein in between the workout and the walk.

I'm so glad I waited till evening to walk, I left about an hour before sundown and the view on the river was absolutely gorgeous, the sky was purple and orange and the sun was a firely red and the river was such a pretty pale blue, and it was nice to be able to look around at it all instead of having to keep my head down against the usual bright glare of the sun. There was even a little breeze, and it helped me feel cooler and I didn't mind sweating buckets because I didn't feel like I was melting.

But let me tell you, did I ever sweat. Recently when I come home from walks and get undressed, my clothes feel very close to how heavy they are when I take them from the washer while doing laundry. I get a kick out of it, and I also use the heft as a reminder to me to guzzle the water.

I've been a little concered that I've been sweating out more than I'm taking in, in terms of sodium and electtrolytes, etc. I don't drink anything but water, and I eat pretty clean. But I noticed last week that the exact same things I always eat were suddenly tasting really salty to me. The same tuna I always eat tasted so salty that I had to get the can and examine it to make sure nothing was amiss. The next day my cottage cheese tasted so salty I was looking at it in confusion. Normally I dislike salty food, but I've not been bothered by the inexplicable saltiness of certain foods lately, it tastes quite good actually.

It didn't go away wither, it went on for days! This makes me wonder whether my body isn't getting enough sodium/etc to counteract all the excessive sweating I've been doing lately. Most health-conscious people try so hard to cut the salt way down, they don't stop to think that if you keep your intake constant, your body will be affected during times when you sweat more, as when you exercise and/or go through the summer months. I've been doing some reading to see if sensitivity to salt is a symptom of needing more sodium, but have had no luck at all. I keep getting the same cookie-cutter articles talking about how we have too much salt in our diets and salt is baaaaaaaaaad! I've gotten to a point now where I'm a little skeptical though, I think the hoopla around limiting it to 500-2300mg a day or whatever it is, might be unreasonable without taking into account such things as how much you sweat/exercise. I was reading an interesting study that talked about how most studies looking at the adverse affects of salt are not properly factoring for all contributing variables to the health problems they focus on. I'm not saying too much salt is good, I'm just saying I'm starting to have second thoughts on how little is best.

Either way, I've gotten rather obsessive recently about how much of what nutrients I've been getting, in light of the salt-sensitivity and periods of fatigue I was having. I've started journalling my meals very specifically, trying to find out exactly what my intake is. The food scale I bought with a Christmas gift card is prooving invaluable, as I always knew it would be if I ever managed to get one. I've been measuring and weighing everything, even the veggies, because I want to know what I might be lacking or getting too much of, and what I can possibly tweak so that I feel good physically, not to mention lose weight while feeling satisfied.

I will say that I have been tracking my sodium intake for the past week and it seems I do not go over the 2300mg a day of sodium it is widely recommended I should never exceed. Tracking for a week gives me a good picture because my meals have little variation, and if I haven't eaten it somewhere in the week then it's something I don't have very often. I'd been concerned that I should start trying to cut even more sodium out, but after the past couple weeks I'm thinking that I will not worry about that, not over the summer anyway. I'm still trying to decide if perhaps I might need a little more (seriously, you have no idea how much I sweat), I'm going to play it by ear and try to listen closely to my body.

Okay I've rambled on forever, there was more I wanted to say but I'll save it for the next post. Mental Note: you wouldn't need to ramble on forever if you posted more often. Gotcha.

Monday, June 15, 2009

A seventh of your life... spent getting through Mondays.

Normally Monday isn't a big deal for me anymore, but I both ate out last night and had adventures with tequila, so today did feel like Monday. As usual with the day after a drunk I was hungry all day; normally I have a very late supper but today I was hours ahead of schedule, I just wanted to eat and eat.

I stayed OP and I'm feeling better now, I'm just hoping I don't feel hungry again before bed because I have no points left. I don't get hangovers, I just get ravenous the next day. And I will often feel lethargic, as I have today.

I've felt tired and lazy and didn't do any exercise, but that was partially because of the heat and because I was absolutely wiped yesterday during my river walk. I did my workout first then did the walk right afterward and at first I was fine but halfway through I was wishing some bicyclist would run me over and put me out of my misery.

The worst was that my body suddenly became intensely demanding in terms of wanting to be fed. I could almost hear it yelling at me "Feed me, Bitch!" I tried silently reasoning with it that food would come later, when I got home and cleaned up, but it refused to listen. I then silently willed it to chow down on some fat stores while I finished my walk, but instead I think it started eating my lung tissue, because I started getting very achy. I think it also helped itself to some grey matter, as my brain ceased working properly and I lost my ability to think clearly. I no longer felt like I was walking, felt a lot more like trudging. And as I trudged I told myself that I need to be more careful about the timing of my meals when I'm exercising. I also decided I might take the day off today and recuperate, a decision that was solidified after the night's eventual activities. Right now I'm just looking forward to sleep!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Oh well

So all right, that sucked mightily! The game started well, but then the Wings just lost their spark, I was disappointed the game wasn't more competitive. And of course I was also disappointed that they didn't win, if for no other reason than I hate seeing the home crowd let down like that. I always feel bad for the losing players, but when it's in front of the home crowd I end up feeling bad for them too, all 20-odd thousand of them. I found it interesting that for all the hype around Crosby, they basically won the game with him doing much of anything. The same goes for the the whole series actually, and yet every second word out of their mouth is 'Crosby'. Seems to me they did just fine without him. But whatever, lol, it's over and done with, I won't have any sports to talk about till NFL starts up again.

I'm still on track, in some ways I feel I'm getting even more on track with each day. I think it's because I've gotten the physical cravings mostly out of my system at this point. I'm finding myself to be much more satisfied with the food I'm eating. The mental cravings aren't gone yet, but they're getting less too, and they're easier to ignore when not paired with the physical kind at the same time. There are times my emotions trigger cravings for dirty carbs, but I've been able to resist.

I truly think that the key for me is to get into a groove. With each day I'm OP, the more reluctant I am to go off plan and ruin my 'streak'. And I suppose the key to getting back on plan truly is to just take it one day at a time, because each day truly makes a difference in the critical time early on when you're trying to get re-established.

I had planned a river walk today, but I didn't go. I wanted to walk to the grocery as well today, as I won't be lifting today as I lifted yesterday, and I did do that. But I could hear all this racket this afternoon and remembered that the Red Bull Air Races were today, and I knew it would be chaos down by the river. It's so hard to walk when there are people meandering everywhere on the path. I did a river walk last year the morning of the races and found the people very annoying, there were so many of them it was frustrating to try and keep my pace up while having to weave about them as they walked down the middle of the path.

So today I figured I'd give the river walk a miss. I did however walk to the grocery and back, 2 miles each way, and carried my groceries back, which I figure is easily the equivalent of a river walk at least. I got a big bag of green peppers, and a big bag of yellow and orange peppers, and I got whole wheat pitas and frozen veggies and some spices and parmasan, I'm quite pleased. Oh, and mushrooms, I can't get decent mushrooms up the street, makes me crazy!

Still, I would have liked to do both a grocery run AND a river walk in, though; it's strange how guilty I feel, as though I didn't exercise today, just because I got my activity from running errands instead of just for the sake of exercise. As if activity isn't activity, as long as the intensity is the same. I suppose it would be much more preferable to be able to get your activity just from practical things like running errands, that would leave the rest of your time free for leisure, but there it is. I still would have liked to walk by the river today, it is a nice day for it, cloudy and grey and I wouldn't have been fried by the sun for once. Incidentally I'm just glad that activity is becoming a part of my routine again to the extent that I feel weird if I don't get planned exercise in!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Go Wings Go!

The first period just ended of the Stanley Cup Final, and me nerves are gone! I did a workout and was rushed just before the game to make a meal, a very, very late lunch. I'll have supper after the game, but I was hungry and made scrambled eggs with tons of peppers and onions (it was sooo delicious!). I was in the kitchen finishing making it when the game started, I was frantic that I might miss something exciting. Apparently I didn't need to worry though, it's a scoreless first period. Competitive though, fast-paced.

The playoffs have been good motivation for me to do my workouts, because I've been wanting to be finished and cleaned up to be waiting for the start of the game. I've been converted into a real Red Wings fan this year, it's hard not to get caught up with the excitement, but I cheer for the Wings because they have Dan Cleary, homegrown, fellow Newfoundlander, how could I be here and NOT cheer for the Wings?? lol Don Cherry is praising him right now on Coach's Corner, the part at the beginning of the game where he was standing in the river and hefting an octopus, you can see the Windsor side of the river over his shoulder, right where I go for my walk. A friend of mine works for the Red Wings during playoffs and he got me in with him to watch one of the games in round 1, and when I saw Dan come out I was screaming my head off, I was so excited to see him there!

If they win it I'll go out on my balcony and listen to them partying in Detroit, I bet I see fireworks, they love setting them off when they win championships. When I went for my river walk this afternoon, I was looking over at the Joe and I could see crowds of people there already. I was wishing so badly that I could be there, but I don't know if I could handle the stress, it's bad enough sitting here by myself. Nothing like a good competitive playoff game to keep your heart rate up!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I won!

I won I won I won I WON!!! *happy dances n wiggles!* :D

About a week ago I was making my daily visit to one of my all-time fav blogs, Cranky Fitness, and I saw they were doing a giveaway for these things called Sleep Phones. The blogs I frequent often have cool giveaways, the kind where basically all you have to do to qualify is make a comment on the post (oh, and have had parents who birthed and raised you in the United States..hee), but I've never entered any before. This is mostly because the contests are usually for US citizens only, plus I never feel very lucky. But as soon as I saw this post I knew I was going to enter, something was telling me I had to do it, especially since it was open to anyone no matter which country you happen to call home.

It still almost didn't happen, because I had just installed a new browser, and when I first read the post I wasn't able to see the verification code to add a post, so I decided to go back and do it later. My memory is not always the greatest, but those Sleep Phones were in my mind, I knew I wanted them badly, and I remembered to go back on the last day to qualify and make my comment. I was the third last person to enter, and thought it might hurt my chances somehow; surely the random number generator would pick randomly from the middle of the pile! Yes I know, humans can have some very illogical ideas about the meaning of 'random' and estimating chance, all my many stats professors over the years are probably all somewhere shaking their heads at me. Well, as long as they're not all somewhere doing it together in some sort of conference on Delle Stupidity or some such.

But I won! I truly did! How terribly exciting! I am sooo full of squee and glee, I've been bouncing around ever since I found out. I would have found out yesterday but I was super bummed out yesterday and generally unimpressed with the world, and felt that laying in bed doing nothing was much preferable to going online and following my normal routine. I even had the thought that the winner would be announced, but in the end decided to wait to check; too bad I hadn't been on the comp, it sure would have cheered me up some! But better late than never, I'll take cheeriness whenever it comes!

I can't wait to try these earphones, you would not believe the troubles I've had with trying to wear regular over-the-head earphones to bed. I can't sleep on my back, so it made for very painful ears/neck/head while sleeping on my side. To try and get around this in the past I've actually resorted to taking the computer speakers to bed with me (not on the first date though, of course!), and positioning them so there was sitting on either side of me as I slept. That worked better than trying to sleep with headphones on, but then the speaker wire got damaged from getting caught in the frame of my bed and the speakers I have no don't have wires long enough to stretch. I've been having renewed trouble with insomnia again this year and I've taken to falling asleep while listening to my favorite audio book, I just play it on my laptop. The problem becomes when I have company over or when I sleep elsewhere I don't have that option. Plus I've recently acquired some noisy neighbours and I've been having to put up with a lot of noise when I try to sleep. I'm going to be haunting the mailbox till these babies make it here, I'm indecently thrilled to have 1. actually won something, and 2. won something I wanted that will actually be incredibly useful and practical for me! :D *squiggles and wiggles!*

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A sunny Tuesday

I've been awful about keeping up my journal, but to be honest there wasn't much to say. I've been having a lot of issues and things going on in my life, and I've been having a lot of trouble pulling things together. I gained some more weight, the exact amount shall not be spoken, since I am struggling with a lot of guilt and shame and am trying to let it go as much as possible. I've been hiding because I don't want to admit it, so I figure if I don't admit it I can find the courage to come out of hiding at least. Suffice to say that the clothes I was wearing last summer are way too snug and uncomfortable now, and that is probably one of my biggest motivators right now to get back in shape. It's not easy, but one day at a time is all you can do.

I've been attempting to get things under control for a while, but it's been a lot of start and stop. I've found myself really vulnerable to emotional eating over the fall and winter months, and it's been really difficult to stop the binging. I ate so well the year before, but I also wasn't dealing with a lot of the personal issues I've been faced with lately.

This time around however, I didn't talk about getting back on track, I just did it. I didn't want to talk about it and not do it again so I just kept quiet and put my energy into the behaviours. I'm doing really well, I've been tracking and OP for a month, after so many months without tracking at all. I've noticed the past few days that I'm finally starting to settle back into the healthy diet; for a long time there I was having fierce cravings for dirty carbs, and it was killing me some days to avoid a binge. I'm eating almost exactly the way I did when I lost most of the weight, and I'm getting to a point where I'm looking forward to my meals again and finding satisfaction from them, instead of wishing constantly that I was eating something else.

What I think I'm most proud of is that I'm back into an exercise routine! After the injury I had late last summer I just fell off track and never seemed to get back on. It took a long time to heal, but by then I was distracted by life and got just plain lazy. I tried during the winter to get things in hand, and started to get a routine with my elliptical, but then it broke and I was up the creek. But the weather is fin (getting too fine actually, I sweat buckets when I exercise now), and I'm back to walking and lifting. Last week I had absolutely NO motivation to workout, but I did anyway, and I am super proud of that. I was PMSing like crazy, much worse than usual, but I was determined to stick to my new routine and I did. I have been revelling in the feeling I get from exercising, and I'm focussing hard on making it a positive force in my life right now.

In terms of losing the excess, it is achingly slow going, to the point that I'm not really showing much if any of a loss from week to week. This can be incredibly disheartening, as I am miserable with my body as it is and I want to get back to where I had been as fast as possible. Of course after losing so much weight I know better than most that it takes time, but the thing is that it's MUCH MUCH MUCH slower than it had been before, even though I feel I am doing everything almost exactly the same. Perhaps it's because I'm so impatient to see results, but I was always impatient. I just keep telling myself to concentrate on the behaviours, and that the rest will follow in time. I'm hoping that the fact that I jumped back into doing a lot of exercise instead of gradually building from a small bit is one of the reasons the scale is being stubborn. I've been lifting for about a month, I can see more muscle tone, and that affects the scale, particularly in terms of fluid retention. I've also had a period and have been eating out (counted for in points) but I only very rarely ate out before, so while I think my routine is exactly the same, of course it isn't.

The one thing I've found I've been missing the past week is journalling here, and I think that is yet another sign that I'm getting back on track. I'm finding that I'm motivated to talk about my successes and even my struggles from day to day, it helped me so much while I was losing before. Journalling isn't something I want to force myself to do, I want it to be natural, just like I want my healthy lifestyle to be natural again. Of course, nothing is ever easy, but I'm starting to feel good, and I'm looking forward to feeling even better!

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Monday after

I had expected to be back here before now, but I've had some things distracting me the past couple of weeks, and I'm still trying to ease back into things gradually instead of setting tonns of goals and determining to be perfect. I noticed that I had comments on my last post, I was so surprised, as I'm not used to that! I was touched that people took the time out to read my words and to go out of their way to comment.

I've not been on the scale since about last Wednesday or so, but I've been weighing pretty regularly, every day or so, overall. The scale was showing up again, even though I had been strict with my diet for over a week. It will take time for me to get a feel for things and how the scale is going to react. I had such a strict routine last year that I knew what the scale was going to do from week to week, but now that I am making different decisions I have no way or predicting. I'm not too worried about what it is doing week to week, I'm going to be looking more at what it is doing month to month, since that will be the true tell as to whether things are working. I'm being reminded at how weight loss takes so much time, but you can gain so much weight in just a few days of binging.

I haven't been tracking since last Wednesday either, I've not been home most of that time, and usually didn't have access to a computer. I knew that I was going to be unable to track for at least two days, and that I would be eating out. I also took that into account in my food choices early in the week. I know I could have done better over the weekend, but overall I'm not displeased. I wasn't perfect, but I still kept a measure of control. It was tempting to go all out, but I weighed each decision before I made it, and ultimately I denied myself permission to binge. Again I worked on cutting back instead of cutting out; I had cheese with a few meals, when last year I would have had none, but for the meals where it was a condiment (what is the proper term?? it is escaping me at the moment), I kept the amounts very small. I also had a little bit of dessert with one meal, but I shared with another person instead of having my own.

So it wasn't a blow-out weekend, but the days of un-tracked/unplanned meals lasted longer than I had expected, as I'd thought I'd be home by Friday night but didn't get back until Sunday afternoon. I did choose to eat what I liked last night without tracking, when I could have, but I decided that it was what I wanted and that I would pay the price. The price of course is that I'm having some cravings today, but I can handle it. I'm wishing I had some junk food (craving chips and chocolate, in no particular order), but all I have to do is endure it, since I have no junk in the house to eat no matter how tempted. I do however have lots of wonderful veggies, since the friend I spent the weekend with (JB) took me shopping yesterday before dropping me off, and I stocked up on good things. I bought a big bag of red peppers, green onion, carrots, romaine, apples (I never never eat enough fruit, something else I keep trying to improve on), mushrooms, green beans, celery, my fav frozen veggies, and a big bag of zuccini. I also got other essentials like whole wheat pita, yogurt for baking, tuna, and diced tomatoes/sauce for cooking. I am actually pretty excited when I look in my fridge and see the zuccini, it's been months since I've bought any, I've not seen any at my regular store that have looked fit to buy. These ones are firm and big and oh so pretty! I bought a bagful, and now I need to decide my next two meals for the day and see if I can incorporate the green lovelies, using my WW tracker of course. Definitely got my veggie mojo going!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Hello February!

I'm not going to make any grand pronouncements. I'm still where I left off last time, trying to get a routine back into my life. I have been putting a lot of effort into getting my eating back under control over the last month, and I'm finally having success with it. At first I started cutting out the junk, and eating more of the foods I ate consistently when I was OP, then I started working on portions sizes. This is my second week I believe of counting points every day, and I'm feeling pretty good. When I was last posting here I was having a lot of dicculties with cravings, but I'm not having near the same struggles now. I'm starting to see the extra weight begin to come off and it's doing me a world of good.

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Being okay

Yesterday and today turned out rather differently than expected, I've not had much time online before now really. Watched a bit of football yesterday with a friend, and some House, MD, which is my current obsession. I didn't make great food choices, but for the most part I didn't have a whole lot of say in the meals, but I did make some effort and tried to control portions. I had most of my flex so even tho I wasn't able to count, I'm not calling the weekend a write-off by any means. I really must get back to exercising regularly, no matter about my elliptical being broken, it will probably help balance things out. I've not slept well the past few nights and I'm really tired tonight. My back has been aching because my period was looming, and now that it's started I'm hoping the aches and the cramps will stop. I'm also hoping I get to sleep easily tonight and that the insomnia that has come back to plague me buggers off and lets me get to bed at a decent hour. If I end up staying awake all night I'm sure I'll end up hungry and having cravings, I had a really early and light supper today. Fingers crossed for sweet dreams tonight!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

When did Saturday happen??

I know the time is passing quickly, but this week went super fast. I keep getting disoriented about what day it is, and I'm always behind. I only have a few minutes but I wanted to post since I didn't have a chance to do it yesterday. I got a call from the building manager yesterday and she told me that contractors would be by in the afternoon to fix my heat, which was a very welcome call. Two very nice, polite young gentleman showed up and sorted it out for me and now I have a few thermostate and a new hole in the wall because the wires were such a mess inside they had to do some sort of a bypass, but they put a plate on it and it is tidy enough, they even swept up the mess from the carpet. Right now I'm on my way out the door and my ride just showed up. I just wanted to let the record show that I did go out to dinner last night, and wasn't able to count the points, but I did however take a lot of care to try and control my portions, and ate as slowly as I could manage and waited a while before seconds and drank lots of water, so go me!

Thursday, December 4, 2008


I got a surprise yesterday when I logged onto the WW site to access the food tracker so I could sort out my meals, and discovered that WW has done a bit of an overhaul to their program. I used to follow the Points system, but now they're calling it Momentum or some such. What used to be very straightforward is now less straight forward, however, after some reading and frowning I discovered that it is more or less the same ideas, just structured a little differently. The main change is that WW is now (THANKFULLY!!!!!!!) talking about the specific kinds of foods that people should be eating. It talks about 'filling foods' and how there are foods that make you feel full longer and that it is good to try to incorporate as many of these into your diet as possible. It gives a list of sorts, but it is an excellent framework, particularly because they gave none before, aside from the 8 Healthy Guidelines. It took me a lot of reading and researching to learn about what types of foods I should be eating, and I was honestly very disappointed and frustrated that WW gave so little nutritional information. The filling foods list is made up of whole grains and specific types of veggies and lean meats and such, many of which make up the brunt of my diet, but let me tell you, it took months and months before I realised which foods are better for me. It's one thing to say eat fruits and veggies and stay away from high-fat/cal food, but for those of us who are clueless about nutrition, it is actually really hard to know which foods give you the most gain. I'm on a budget but it takes a lot to fill me up, so I was really motivated to find foods that give me the most bang for my buck. It's good to see that WW is putting emphasis on these types of foods, even tho most of my foods already come in on this list, I'll still be able to get some new ideas from it. Interestingly the food tracker now has a hunger tracker, and while they only give you options for a specific number of meals a day, I'm still going to give that a try. Yesterday I made a supper meal but ended up boxing up the rice dish because I felt full by the time I got to it and so I'll have it for supper today. It was nice to be full and satisfied but still have food left, all my food yesterday came off the filling foods list, looks like I've been making good choices!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

As long as your toes aren't blue, you're fine

I've embarked on the delightfully fun task of battling to get my thermostat fixed so that hopefully this winter I don't have to use the oven to get warm sometimes. I was informed by the maintainence guy today that the company who owns my building have decided in the past that they don't have to do anything as long as you are getting the legal minimum of 72 degrees of heat. He said this after insulting me rather thoroughly by asking me what the problem was, ignoring my explanation, and then giving me a lecture on how to operate the thermotat (apparently you turn it up higher to make more heat come wonder I've been cold!). I have a headache and I'm dealing with food cravings and I really wish this heat problem resolves with little fuss. I've two days of clean eating under my belt (or would if I had one). I've been craving potatoes like mad, so yesterday I bought some (first time I've done that) and had some with supper. I need to work on the recipe tho, they came out too liquidy. I had some difficulties last night when I was feeling incredibly driven to eat even tho I don't really think it was hunger. I honestly had trouble telling. I decided to have a snack, and used flex for it, and am telling myself that it's going to take some time before I get my groove back. I'm feeling good about it tho, I'm determined to make it through and hopefully in a few weeks my once-loose jeans will stop being snug.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Ix-nay on the ocolate-chay

I did really well yesterday food-wise, I had planned out my meals, but I ended up pushing aside my supper after only eating half of it. That was not an issue because I had planned a big meal and had been using flexies to take care of it. I was just so hungry most of the day that I figured I'd be extra hungry. I'm glad I didn't eat it just because I could, one of my biggest issues is wanting to eat till I'm stuffed.

I had to white knuckle it a few times yesterday tho, one time in particular while talking to a friend and a lengthy conversation about food ensued, with a big focus on chocolate and included detailed stories about chocolate shops and emporiums and eventually I had to insist the conversation move away from the food because it was definitely triggering massive cravings.

I have such a weakness for chocolate and dessert, it's one of the big things I'm struggling with right now. I suppose my brain is low in seratonin and is extra motivated to think about the chocolate, but knowing the why of it doesn't help me much, other than telling me I should try to up the level of my cheerful chemicals some other way. It would be so much easier if I could just drink a bottle of seratonin and call it good...I wonder how many calories it would be?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Cancel the fanfare, please

I've gone another long stretch without posting, so now I'm going to try something completely radical...posting earlier in the day!

Well okay, so maybe it's not THAT radical of a concept, but I have always and forever posted here at the end of the day. I wanted to keep that up (did I mention I can be resistent to change??), mostly because I felt it would help me get back into my old routine.

So here I am finally admitting that the old routine is dead and in the past and that I need to mourn it and think of it kindly because it served me so well...and then move on.

Right now my priority is getting a routine back, period. I have said a few times that my life is different now than it had been over the year I was losing the majority of the weight, but I suppose I have not truly appreciated just HOW different my life is. In some ways I actually have a lot more time on my hands, but at the same time there are some very different factors. Not being employed means I can structure my day however I want, but it also means that I am feeling too demotivated and depressed to want to do anything with my day at all. I also find that I have a tiny bit of a social life, so while before my evenings were always spent at home if I wasn't working, now I find myself with plans a lot of evenings, which has been one of the main reasons that my whole comfortable routine of writing in my journal at the end of the day no longer works for me. Add in that I like to write about what I did, and I've not been successful at doing much of anything lately, and the end result is no journalling at all.

I've struggled with it, but I am still so much of a perfectionist that it often hampers me and reaching my goals. The thing I don't like about writing early in the day is that I'll probably spell out all my goals and things I want to accomplish that day, which is awesome, but what happens if I slack off and don't do any of them?? That means the next day I'll have to admit to that. It is easier to say what you've done at the end of the day then to say what you want to do, because in one you're just reporting, but in the other you're actually committing yourself *cue scary music* How terrifying that I might actually have to follow through on something...I might fail! Then I'll look like a failure! And feel like a failure! And probably actually BE a failure!! Ohh, the woe!

But then I suppose there is an alterative to all the scariness..I suppose I could just write without actually going crazy on spelling out all the wonderful productive things I'm going to do with my day, and instead just play it by ear. Tho admittedly, it wouldn't hurt me to make a few small committments, and then stick to them. Today I had been planning to eat completely OP, but a big part of me would also like to try to get some activity in, mainly because I have been battling insomnia again, and sweating more during my day will very likely make it less difficult for me to fall asleep at night. I'm just not sure how to go about it; I was getting into a groove over this past month of getting back into activity, and I was starting to log some great regular time on my elliptical and was getting into a routine with it, when the damn thing broke, and I need to find a new bolt for one of the steps someplace because the old one is stripped. I was honestly very pissed when this happened, because walks aren't much of an option for me right now, and I loved having the option to get high intensity cardio right here at home.

But whatever, I'll get that sorted when I can, I'll have to figure out something else to do. It's a beautiful winter's day out (read, cloudy and snowing...mmm!), and I'm going to make the most of it...non-specifically!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Stillness of a different quality

I woke up today wanting to lift, but I ended the day not having done it. I got caught up with doing stuff on the comp, and the next thing I knew the afternoon was gone and I had to get my walk in before dark. I want to have enough time to go over what exercises I will do in my new regime, as I'm still not exactly sure which ones I will be using. I also have one of those swiss balls or whatever they're called, but I've not had a chance to use it yet, and I want to puruse the DVD that came with it.

In the end, I'm not disappointed that I didn't actually lift, but instead I'm thrilled that I wanted to. Today was a great day, I felt focussed and in control. I had cravings and such, but I was able to stay strong without having to struggle to do so. I love feeling like I am getting my mojo back, I want to see the scale moving down again, and I want to end my days happy with the choices I made.

The thought ocurred to me while I was walking this evening that even tho I put about 15 lbs back on again, there were still some positives to the last few months and the time I spent off plan. The last year I've been literally almost constantly preoccupied with losing weight, to the point of obsession. I knew that I was obsessed, but I chose to just go with it because I also knew it was a temporay thing. My main goal was to lose as much as I could before my trip home in July, it had never been my intention to maintain that kind of intensity forever. Nonetheless, despite knowing I was working toward an end point and was not meaning to go on as I was indefinitely, I was still left out of sorts and directionless after I got back from my trip. I never really thought too specifically about what came after, and as a result I really struggled when I tried to find a groove to get back into. It of course did not help that I had spent two weeks not tracking, eating various foods, and not exercising. The consequences were that I ended up slipping completely off plan, but in getting back on track I am finding that I am no longer obsessed with losing weight, and that somewhere in the last few months I have adjusted to being in this new body. It's starting to feel natural and more real to me than it did before the trip. I still want to lose more weight and get to my goal, but it's not consuming my every waking thought, it's not a constant worry. The race is over, so to speak, now that the trip is done, and I'm not feeling pressured by time. Now is where I need to settle more into a lifestyle, and find a routine and a groove that will work for me for now on. It's almost as tho I need to prepare to maintain, even tho I had a ways to go before I reach goal. Despite not being OP the past couple of months, I still think I learned some things about what it is like to just live this lifestyle without constantly thinking about it. It gave me a chance to think about other things and get some distance from the frenzied obsessed me I had been for the past year. I've had my struggles in getting back on track the past week or two, but I am enjoying the sense of calm I am feeling right now. I want to get more of my focus, but I also want to maintain this sense of calm, and to refrain from becoming obsessed all over again. I knew that was temporary, so let now be about finding a new headspace that I can embrace and go forward with.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You know I love you baby please don't go

I had a busy day but a good one. I did housework and laundry and my comp work and got a river walk in, and J took me shopping so I was able to stock up on things I needed. It's always a nice feeling to have the fridge full of healthy freggies and the cupboards stocked with things I like to cook with. The bill is NEVER nice, but unfortunately that part can't be avoided. I often wish food was free, but I suppose that would cause a lot more problems, still I wish certain healthy foods were cheaper. I started to say I wish they were cheaper than certain junk foods, but I deleted that because I thought back over the past couple months when I was eating off plan a lot, and to be honest I was paying more for the types of food I was eating then than I do when I'm eating OP. That's something to keep in mind, especially these days when I have no income.

But never mind that, the point is that I was able to do a proper shopping trip for the first time in a very long time, and it's nice knowing I have what I need right now without having to plan my meals around what I don't have in stock, or knowing I have to go shopping before I can make something. That's fine in the summer months, but the weather is starting to get cold and wet and I would prefer not to shop day to day like I often do in the warm months.

J was also kind enough to take me to Chapters so I could get the 10th and 11th books of the Sword of Truth series, and I am in an absolute lather over burrowing into them as soon as I can. I want to try and portion them out so that I don't binge on them and make them end too soon, but it will be difficult! I had the thought that I should make reading a reward for getting my work or particularly my exercise done, the same way I have saved my Angel DVDs to only watch when I exercise. It will kill two birds and will help me reach goal in the meantime.

We ate out for supper, which I thought was a possibility and had so saved my points and made extra sure I got activity in. I had no idea where we would go however, so I wasn't able to plan my meal, but I did track it when I got home. I did really well, but I did go into the flexies again, which is something I have wanted to avoid this week, but I didn't go in by much. I had the chicken fajitas and they were soo tastey. I also said not to bring the guacamole, sour cream, tomatoe-bean filler, and to instead give me some salsa and hot sauce to use as my accessories. I also asked them to half the cheese portion; normally I would have said to nix the cheese as well, but I needed a second dairy portion and was in the mood for cheese. I love cheese but rarely like using the points for it, I prefer bulk where I can get it. All in all I call the day a success. Here's to another successful day tomorrow!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I used to have a brain

I'm not much use right now, I'm not falling asleep sitting up or anything, but I'm in that zoned-out staring at things while waiting for words to come to me but none do headspace, which is always fun. I left mid-afternoon yesterday for a party in the country, and I didn't get home till late this afternoon. It's a good thing I saved all my flexies and got all that activity in this week because I partied HARD. I had my first drink at about 3:30pm yesterday and we didn't stop till about 5:00 this morning. The party was the yearly get together for a bunch of people who work at putting off fireworks shows, and they do their own fireworks display for the party. I spent the weekend with a bunch of people who get off on blowing shit up, and I had the time of my life. There was constantly things being set off everywhere, and I became used to being startled out of my wits constantly. I've always loved fireworks since I was young so being able to go to this party was an incredible treat for me. I had so much fun that I didn't restrict myself when it came to the food, and I just ate what I wanted to eat instead of making careful choices. I did try to not eat too much since I was not making healthy choices, but I still ate a fair bit (tho not as much as I could have, or wanted to), and later in the night I did have some of the desserts. Throw in all the booze plus the breakfast they made for us this morning and definitely NOT and OP weekend, but there it is. I'm not worried and I don't feel like I blew it or anything. It's not very often I find myself in situations like that, so I'm not fretting. I could have done it differently but I don't regret it, and in the end that is the important thing. Back to OP business as usual tomorrow, counting my points and planning my meals and getting my activity in. I'm thinking I should probably completely avoid my flexies this upcoming week to try and offset this weekend. Despite all the off-plan eating and drinking over the past two days, I still actually feel really good tonight, I don't feel like this has set me back mentally in terms of getting my groove back. Of course I might not feel it till tomorrow, but I'm thinking that I'll be able to handle things without too much issue. Yes, I still want to lose more weight, but I'm not going to stop living, and I had a compelte blast this weekend, definitely one I'm going to remember for a very long time!

Friday, October 17, 2008

A quickie

I just wanted to do a quick update. I'm not at home so I didn't post last night. I'm still doing well, I've been eating OP and have been geting activity. I ate out for supper last night without having expected to be doing so, but I think I did really well with my choices. I also did really well today, tried a new healthy recipe, and cooked a healthy supper. I tried to balance everything out, and I'm pleased with my day, especially since I am still resisting cravings...they aren't as intense as they were on Monday, but they are definitely still there. I also got my walk in yesterday, and I did a short walk today but also a bike ride. The last time I did that bike ride it was definitely easier, I'm getting out of shape and I don't like that. I did run for a ways at the end of my walk today, just for the hell of it. I was a little out of breath afterward, more than I think I should have been after a short distance. All the more motivation to keep at it tho, I'm going to keep working at it and get back in shape!

Earned 5 APs yesterday: 80 min brisk walking

Earned 6 APs today: 30 min brisk walking, 60 min cycling

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

So much potential

I'm feeling a lot less edgy tonight, although I'm not sure how much of it is due to having a very large supper meal instead of actually seeing a reduction in the cravings I've been feeling so badly. I hadn't intended to have such a big meal, but my dinner meal got waylaid because of unexpected plans happening, and I was really hungry and had points to make up. Big meal or not, I do not feel stuffed, I just feel satisfied. It was be easy for me to eat more if I wanted, and that is what bugs me, I really wish I could get away with eating less food. But right now I will settle for feeling calm; I don't feel restless and distracted like I did last night, I feel relaxed and quiet and I'm much encouraged. I felt different today when I got up, I felt more focussed, and I hoped it was a sign that I'm settling down some and starting to get back into my groove. I went for a river walk early today to avoid the rain, and I was reminded that during this time of the year earlier is preferable because most people are working and I have the path mostly to myself compared to later in the day. My legs ached the whole time, but I did my best to keep my usual brisk pace. I want so much to start taking off some of this weight that I am determined to get the exercise in. I bet even in just a couple of weeks I will feel better that I had been lately.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Tomorrow we'll rise so we fight today

Another night where I'm almost but not quite biting my nails. I feel edgy and preoccupied and having to concentrate not to obsess about what I would like to eat. I was completely OP today and I'm happy for that, I'm just a little impatient for things to settle down and for it to get 'easy' again. I suppose there might have been lots of times last year when things were hard, but right now thinking back it just seems like it was all so easy compared to this. Maybe I need to look back over this journal and refresh my mind a bit, because I'm sure there must have been more times where I struggled than I am remembering right now. Funny how short term our memories can be, all the more reason to keep a journal and keep track of it.

I'm still having lots of cravings for various things, along with wanting to just feel full, plain and simple. I've avoided my FPs the past two days, and I am determined not to use them in normal meals, to account for times when I will be going out. As it happens, a friend called tonight and asked if I wanted to go to a party on Saturday, so it looks like I will be needing all those flexies plus all the will power I can muster, so that will help me continue to avoid them for the week, plus get some good exercise in.

Right now I'm torn between wanting to find that full feeling that I like after I eat (particularly the supper meal) and wanting to get used to eating smaller meals so that I can try to shrink my stomach up some. Now, I have never actually looked that up, but it was always something I have heard people say over the years, about how if they go a long time eating less, they find that it takes less food to make them feel like their stomach is full. I've stuffed myself with veggies and water over the months and got the full feeling while still losing weight, but there have been times when I've knocked about the idea of cutting back on that so that I don't have to eat so much food. I suppose that takes time and will power, and having to feel like I feel tonight; I'm not hungry per se, but I'm not feeling mentally satisfied because I am not full. Perhaps it is less about the stomach shrinking and more about getting used to not having that feelings and wanting it less, like getting cravings out of the system. But then, I'm not sure that this is the best time for me to consider such things, what with trying to get my eating under control again, and to get my mojo back. Part of me thinks I should just stick with what worked for me all last year, and wait until I'm settled down again before I start experimenting with portions and such. Maybe what I would need to do is to go the route of having 6 or 8 little meals over the day, so that I could get accustomed to never being full, but never actually being really hungry either. I just have my doubts about that working tho, because when I have split the same number of points into smaller portions throughout the day before I basically always ended the day feeling unsatisfied and/or hungry. But again, perhaps it's all a mind game. I don't know. It will bear more thinking about, perhaps I can research it and find out more about whether it is realistic to expect my stomach to shrink any amount to actually make a difference.

I got another river walk in today, and I want to exercise again tomorrow. The problem is that there is supposed to be rain, and I expect I might have to try and get some shopping done too. When I go out now I feel like people are staring at me because I look fat, and I feel like my neighbours are able to look at me and know I've gained weight and that everyone knows. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin right now, it is probably my biggest motivator to stay on track and to get the weight off that I have put back on. I want to go back to feeling proud of myself and happy with how I look. When I was walking today I found myself building up my determination to exercise regularly again and to consciously feel like I am actively taking off this weight. Eating is something we do a few times a day, so just making healthy choices doesn't always contribute to feeling like I am actually DOING something. When I exercise I feel like I am more in control, I suppose because I am doing something I don't have to do, but something I am choosing to do. I know every healthy meal is a choice, but it doesn't give me the same level of satisfaction that exercising does. I definitely need to get back in that headspace again, it will help me in so many ways to get my activity level up. Not only will the weight start coming off again, but I will feel better, stronger, more energetic, and I will feel more capable and in control of myself, and I desperately need that right now.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Monday, October 13, 2008


Okay, well perhaps it wasn't quite as bad as all THAT, but things did get harder as the day went on. I felt okay when I woke up, but then out of the blue I would be hit with thoughts about food and what I would like to fill myself up with later on. Then I would be okay for a while, and them, bam, out of no where it would hit me again. I still managed okay, but as afternoon wore into evening I really started getting cravings, and the thoughts of what I actually had here to eat was not tempting me the slightest little bit. I came close to considering giving myself 'one more day' and to be perfect tomorrow to make up for it, but that is the kind of thinking that just creates and maintains the cycle of unleathy eating and binging, and I am relieved that I managed to keep my will power intact. I only wish I could have felt more satisfied after I finished supper, but unfortunately I am left wanting more and still battling cravings. When I was religiously OP I did not have to deal with feeling like this, and I'm trying to use it as motivation to stay OP strictly so that I can get it all out of my system and be able to be satisfied with my meals again. I want to go back to food being an afterthought, instead of my obsession.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Thursday, October 2, 2008

But I would not feel so all alone..everybody must get stoned

I am definitely not in a good way, I'm just not sure how much of a role hormones might be playing. I've very certainly been depressed, I just didn't feel it so much yesterday because I had company most of the day. I couldn't escape it today when I woke up wanting only for it to be night so I could go back to sleep. My first thoughts after that were of food and what I would like to eat for the day, none of it green or healthy in any sense. I know I had my down times over the past year, but I was On Plan and I was able to ride it out. It's so difficult to get back on track when I have no morale for anything right now. Despite how terrible I'm feeling I still had a few victories today. I stayed in bed half the day, and didn't want to get out, but eventually I forced myself out and got some cereal, then did my job search work. I'm glad of that, because that is the most important thing I need to do everyday. I did it thoroughly and only then did I allow myself to take a nice relaxing bath like I'd wanted to do. I also did some other things that needed to be done, and cleaned the kitchen. When I get depressed I usually let the housework go, so I'm happy that I'm keeping on top of the cleaning more or less. The bathroom needs a scrubbing again already, probably because I've been taking baths on top of the showers I normally have lately. I also did a few batches of baking tonight before I made supper, which needed to be done because my bananas were on the verge of going over and I'd been putting it off. I'll freeze what I made tonight and tomorrow I'll bake what's left to keep fo fresh. I went out shopping because I wanted to stock up on peppers while they were on sale, and I walked all around the store for a much longer time than was necessary, looking all the foods I wanted to buy, and particularly all the junk. I'd made up my mind to buy hamburgers and potatoe chips and cookies and ice cream, I'd had the brands and the types all picked out, but in the end I resisted, although I did end up buying some chocolate for dessert tonight, but all things considered I am still calling that one a victory. Things are so hard right now, everything seems so hard, maybe I should look back over my journal and remind myself a bit of how it was like before, because it feels like things were easy before but now everything is a struggle. I used to be so disciplined, I want to get that back and start feeling good again. I can't control the job or the money situation directly, this is the one thing I can actively control. It would do me good to feel like my efforts are resulting in tangible results for once, because for weeks now I've felt like I've been accomplishing a whole lot of nothing, despite all my effort.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Really love your peaches want to shake your tree

It was the epitome of a lazy, hedonistic day, but I had a rare opportunity I couldn't pass up. I was all turned about and upside down anyway, on account of I thought today was the last day of September and that October didn't get going till tomorrow. I didn't get any activity in today, but I also did not go out to buy junk food, like I was sorely tempted to do when I was craving chocolate so badly. I had bought some tiny adorable little baby pita breads and wanted to get some hummus, and was going to go out to the Arab market around the corner to search for some, but I knew if I went there I would go to the dollar store next to it and buy chocolate, so I attempted to make my own hummus instead, despite not having all the necessary ingredients on hand. I was terribly excited when I realised that I should be able to make hummus in the new food processor I bought, but I've had it a couple of months and haven't gotten around to trying it yet. I think mostly I was afraid it wouldn't work, but today seemed to warrent trying, and it worked like an absolute charm, I was utterly thrilled. And yes I ate way too much of it, but ultimately stuffing one's self with hummus is generally preferable over chocolate, so I'm going to call that one a victory and never mind the rest of it for now. It was another day where I woke up tired, and I am tired tonight, I think my body must be continuing to tell me that it is not happy with the state of things. I'd gotten so used to feeling good physically all the time that I'm not used to feeling icky constantly. But as M said to me, I know how to fix that. Now to get about doing that.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I wanna be sedated

I have very little to say tonight. It was another day that ended up being different than I had expected it to be. I had a couple of errends I wanted to run, but the weather didn't cooperate. I ended up getting taken out for supper, and I ate what I pleased, but it felt like a last hurrah, so whatever. As of this moment there is no junk food left in my house, and that will not change unless I buy more. I've been tired much of the day, but tonight I've felt weird, alert and within myself at the same time. I've been making a classic rock playlist and really grooving to the music. I want to be up early tomorrow tho, so I think I will turn off the music and read for a while to try and come down. I spent hours today doing job search stuff and I'm really happy about that; it's tedious and frustrating and depressing and it always gives me a headache and I loathe doing it, so every moment I make myself stick through it is an accomplishment in my eyes. The weather might not cooperate in the next few days any more than it did today, but I want to start exercising again, I'm thinking I'll try to make an activity goal for Oct to get some sort of activity in every day. I can't believe the summer is gone...unbelievable. Strange to think where I was a year ago...

Monday, September 29, 2008

Feels like I'm starting all over again

When I heard that line in a song this afternoon it made me pause. I'm not necessarily back where I was when I started all of this, but in so many ways I have to find that mentality I had when I started, and tackle things the same way.

I've gotten so far off track sometimes I almost get in a cold sweat over it...almost.

But fortunately, I know that I have the ability to live the type of lifestyle I've aimed for, the one I've strived so hard to achieve. I've strayed away from the behaviours I've tried so hard to turn into habits, but that's the thing with a's still there for you even if you don't live it perfectly. It doesn't disappear in a puff of smoke, and it doesn't become suddenly off limits or Members Only.

I've been struggling in a way I've not had to deal with since starting WW, and worst of all I've been handling my problems in ways I'd truly hoped I've overcome. I've allowed food to become a constant comfort to me again, and I've stopped tracking or eating On Plan. Today was the first time in a a few weeks that I had even logged onto the WW website, let alone put effort into tracking my foods.

I've fallen into the mind trap of justifying what I've been doing, and I know that if I don't put the brakes on, I will start losing ground quickly and start making my way back to where I was when I started.

The worst thing I have fallen into doing the past couple of weeks has been to let my mind gloss over my behaviours, and to not think about them. I've also not talked about them here or on the WW boards or with friends, unconsciously falling into the 'if no one knows, it's not actually happening' trap. I am an old hand at that one, and I've learned to my regret over the years that I have an avoidant personality when it comes to dealing with problems. I withdraw into myself and I hide from everyone. And I also know that it is ever so much easier to fall into a pit of trouble you could have avoided when you isolate yourself and avoid looking your problems in the face. I've been doing that with my eating habits; a month ago my eating choices were poor, but very conscious, and I was willing to make them knowing I was also choosing to make it temporary. Since then however I've quickly slipped into deliberate ignorance, and have been choosing not to think about what I've been doing too much, or to look to closely at the consequences.

A month ago I was doing better, and I was starting to get back into a routine. After my trip home, everything in my life got turned upside down, and for the first time since starting WW I was completely out of my comfort zone. I knew what was happening and was striving to get my routine back and to create a new source of motivation or focus for myself.

Then a bunch of life happened. Go figure, huh?

I committed to a relationship that went pretty quickly into self-destruct mode, but not before it seriously messed me up mentally and emotionally. I've worked so hard to be healthy, not only in terms of my efforts over the last year to be healthy in the physical sense, but also in terms of my efforts of the years before to be healthy both emotionally and mentally. I've said along the way that my weight loss journey was so smooth for me mostly because I waited until I was in a good place mentally before I started. I felt good about me, I'd developed a strong sense of self and of self-esteem. I did not need to be thin to feel good about myself, I felt good about myself as I was. I felt I had worth, even if I was not perfect or did not look the way I prefered.

It is astonishing how very quickly a person can destroy all your careful efforts, and in such a short amount of time tear your self-esteem to shreds and utterly defile your sense of self worth.

The only good thing is that I got out of it before I could be truly damaged. The bad thing is that there was an enormous amount of emotional fallout. If I had been on my A-game when it had happened, then things might have turned out differently, but I was already struggling when it all went down, and I was simply incapable of exerting the will power and focus I needed to get back on track when I had already been finding it so hard to do so.

I needed time to grieve and to heal enough so that I could start to get my life sorted out again. I gave myself some time and didn't beat myself up, and that was okay, but just when I was starting to feel like I could start getting myself back on track, my work situation also went into self-destruct, and the next thing I know I'm without a job.

Things at work had been incredibly stressful and unstable ever since I got back from NFLD. Again I found myself faced with a situation where I was being made to feel worthless, that I was to blame for things I had not done, and that I had reason to be ashamed of myself, my actions, and who I am. Most of me knew I was being treated and judged horribly unfairly, but I have such a strong work ethic, and I am such a perfectionist, that I kept trying to jump through their impossible hoops, because I could not bear the thought of failing at something, especially something as important as my job. That this job was not my chosen career, and that I didn't feel anything for it other than how I feel about any job or task I undertake was not the issue. I let myself get caught up in trying to succeed that I really lost sight of the fact that they were not making it possible for me to succeed, and more importantly, that my whole life had turned into trying to please people for whom I had no respect, and that I had placed the utmost importance upon trying to please them. I was constantly feeling the strain of it, I worried constantly, both at work and away, I was having regular anxiety dreams and even nightmares, and I was unhappy much of the time. But I let it go on because I couldn't tolerate the thought of 'failing', and the prospect of being without a job terrified me.

But no matter how I tried to make things right, the situation couldn't continue as it was, and it only worsened until finally I was forced to see things for how they really were. I think it was the destruction of the unhealthy relationship mere days before that made me finally see what was really happening, how these people were attacking my feelings of efficacy and worth, and how they were making me doubt myself and my abilities and my behaviours and the type of person I am. I realised that to continue to try and change their minds (when they were so fiercely determined to think as they would) was admiting the possibility that they were right, putting truth to the hurtful and disparaging things those few people were saying about me, people who had their own agendas, and who don't know me at all. I realised that it was more than trying to hold onto a job because I needed the income, it was about protecting myself and my health, and not being able to take it any more. To stay working there would have been as damaging to me as it would be to eat poison every day. I did the only thing that made sense, and I walked away.

Of course, no matter how I felt about preserving my mental and emotional health, not to mention my dignity, I fell apart in a major way after quitting my job the way I did. That whole weekend I was a walking basket case, an absolute and complete emotional wreck. I was in a constant state of panic and horror and fear and hurt over the whole situation. It still felt like failure, no matter what the truth of it was, and it took me days to calm down.

I've been having to focus more on putting one foot in front of the other and less on counting points. That is to be understood, but enough time has passed that it's become less about needing time to get my head together and more about just getting decadent and lazy and falling into old habits. I'm getting dependent on food again to regulate my mood. I am feeling so poor emotionally from day to day that I am using food as my comfort and my fix. I can't control the things that are making me feel so wretched, so I'm turning my focus onto food instead and am letting myself put too much importance on it.

The positive is that I see what is happening and I have the power to keep this from setting me any farther back. I can start to turn things around again, if I want to.

I'm terrified of getting big again. I know I've gained weight and I hate it. I hate imagining myself putting on more and more weight. I hate the thought of losing everything I have achieved.

In the end, it's this fear that will help me, because I am going to use this as my motivation to get back on track. I do not want to gain any more weight. I do not want to go back to my old ways. I want to be healthy and happy.

I have been feeling so lethargic and icky lately, and while my stress level will contribute, the binging and the lack of exercise will be playing a large part. I'm tired so much of the time, and I feel down a lot. That is to be expected seeing what I am going through, BUT...if I was eating well and getting my activity, I know without a doubt that I would feel better than I do now, even if I did not feel necessarily 'good'.

I've been binging to try and feel better. But what will make me truly feel better is to get my proper nutrients, to not feel full to the point of feeling sick, to start getting my activity in again, to start building my muscle again and feel strong, to feel like I am living the lifestyle I have chosen for myself, to feel like I am working toward my goals, and to stop gaining weight and to start taking it off again. These are the things that will make me feel better, and I need to remind myself of that when I am tempted to binge.

I need to take small steps, and set myself up to succeed. I logged onto the WW boards today and posted a daily OP thread. I said my goal for today was to make a journal entry here tonight. This was a big first step for me because it means I am being publically accountable for where I am right now and what I've been doing. Being accountable is the first step. I am going to continue that tomorrow by starting to track my food again. I will keep posting in an OP thread, and I will keep journalling here.

I know how to do this, that is the beauty of it. I have proven that to myself. Now my challenge is to do this when things are hard. It is easy to succeed when things are easy, and I wondered along the way how I would fare when things got hard. I'm still unemployed and things are difficult and the money situation is bad, but this is my chance to show myself that I am capable of maintaining my lifestyle and my goals even when things get truly difficult. This is an opportunity for me to prevent a backslide, and to learn new skills I will need for my life ahead, because if I have learned nothing else in my years on this planet, I have learned that the world keeps turning, and that it doesn't stop for the likes of you or I. Life happened, and life will happen again, as surely as the sun will set tonight and rise tomorrow. What's important is how we handle it when it does.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

What's right

I'm trying to get my routine back, and it's not proving as easy as I had hoped it might be. Today I'd wanted to spend some time on the comp, get the flat cleaned up, go for a river walk, then have time to relax and journal tonight and whatever else I might like.

Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans..

I did get my comp time this morning, more than enough, actually, but that wasn't so bad. But then the phone started ringing, and the next thing I know the afternoon is gone. I was also feeling somewhat lethargic. I was hoping that after I ate something and got some protein into me, that I would have some energy and morale to get going on my list of things, but I ended up only getting some of the flat sorted, then got together with a friend. We ended up eating out, and I've not gotten home till late, so no river walk for me, and not able to properly count my points for today because there is no NI available for the restaurant. Not the worst of days, but definitely very little of what I had planned. And at the end of it all, I'm still hungry, even after judging that I dipped into my flexies none too lightly. I've not blown anything, and I've not necessarily failed anything, but tomorrow I really want to get some organised activity in, and I want to get my flat sorted out better than it is right now. At least I got the fridge more organised, and my veggies all have a place in there and the rubbish is cleared out. I can't believe how chaotic my life has gotten...but then maybe it just seems that way compared to how strictly regimented it had been for so long there. The scale is showing me up, time will tell how things are going. I don't know if things have made a permanent shift, but time will tell...time always does.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

My fall will be for you

Oh, what a day!

It's late and I'm tired and I don't have the words for it, but I am well fed and content and things are good. I've been getting all closing shifts at the store lately, and I'm back to getting home around 10:00pm and having to make supper. I've not been around much and my flat is a disaster area, and I was low on food, particularly perishables. I did get the kitchen cleaned up some this afternoon, and I did a bit of shopping tonight after work, but I have a lot more to get sorted tomorrow. I'm out of premade main meals in my freezer, so I need to make up a few dishes so I can freeze for taking to work when I need to. I've been eating a lot of fruit lately, other people's, mostly, but I didn't pick up any tonight. I'm wondering if I might go into fruit withdrawal, actually. I'll have to look in to starting to keep some around for desserts; I always wanted something sweet after supper, but the last few weeks I've gotten used to having fruit after supper to control my sweet craving, and it worked rather well, particularly with some lite Cool Whip. The problem with liking fruit is that it gets to be expensive, particularly during the winter months. Why can't food be free? I wish I could grow all this stuff myself! Anyhoo, bed for me! Squee!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

APs gone MIA

I've done okay today; I've met all the guidelines and I've not gone over my DPs, but I have none to spare and I might be going out this evening, so I might end up using the rest of my FPs since I never had a chance to earn any APs today, aside from doing some more housework. I'd planned yardwork and a bike ride, but like always seems to happen these days, my plan got changed around. I'm not planning to eat anything else tonight, but I might have a beer, and that will cost me FPs unless I come home and exercise. I don't have many left for the week after eating out on Tuesday and having a lot of high cal food that night. I am definitely not used to being this low on FPs at the end of the week, let alone on Thursday night! I'm glad I've started tracking again tho, because I am in obvious need of being specific about what I eat if I want to keep losing weight. I felt so much better last night when I was having some fruit, because I knew I had the points for it, and I knew exactly how much I could have. It was weird, when I was measuring it out, I didn't feel restricted, I felt empowered because I knew I was not overeating, I was completely within my points. It made me realise that when I'm not counting I have this little nagging worry about everything I eat, thinking that maybe it is putting me way over in points. It is easier to enjoy my food when I know I am not putting myself in a bad way by eating it.

I was starving tonight for supper, and the salad I'd made tasted soo excellent. A friend has reintroduced me to putting things in salad other than just the romaine, and I am now wondering how I ever got by eating all of those plain boring salads without cucumbers, mushrooms, tomatoes, and celery. Yes, you heard me...celery! Celery on its own is definitely not one of my favorite vegetables, but throw it in a salad and it tastes GOOD! Eating the salad tonight was a real treat, it was tastey, and I was so conscious while I was eating it that it was not just something I was able to it, it was something that tasted really good to me, and I was looking forward to every mouthful. What a gift that I've gotten to a point in my life that I can say that about a green salad, and that I am able to truly enjoy the things that I am eating. I heard people say that as they got further along into a healthy lifestyle that they came to like healthy foods that they hated previously. I was rather skeptical of ever being able to experience this myself, I mean seriously, you either like something or you don't, right? How could that change when it comes to food? But here I am living it, and definitely loving it! Food tastes definitely can change, thankfully, and hopefully I can get to a point where rich foods and/or junk foods don't taste good to me any more. A couple weeks ago in a weak moment I had a Wendy's burger for supper. We were running late, I was starving, and no time to shop for veggies etc, plus I just wanted one and made the choice to have one. No fries, no pop, nothing else with it, just the burger. It tasted wonderful to me and I enjoyed it soo much...until a few hours later when I woke up in the night to a VERY unhappy tummy, and puked the whole thing up. Does NOT taste as good coming up as it did going down, that's for sure. It's almost as if my body said "Uhh...are you kidding me? What's that thing doing in here? I don't think so. Nope. No Way. Get OUTTA HERE, evil Wendy's hamburger!"

Well, that's what I was imagining it was saying, anyway. I had felt awful beforhand but after the burger was evicted from the premises my stomach felt okay again and I actually had a giggle over imagining that it was a result of my body's indignation at having been forced upon by greasy fast food.

No, I didn't enjoy getting sick, but in a way I was almost pleased by it, if it really means that my body has embraced healthy eating. If I had to choose I'd rather have a body that ejects fast food than one that drives me to eat more more more of it. But then again, maybe I just had a bad burger, who the heck knows? I don't and I don't care, it's not like I'm going to be putting these theories to the test any time soon. I don't plan to go back to eating greasy fast foods, if I need to eat out fast, there's almost always a subway closeby, and it's getting so that most places have sandwiches and salads/soups to choose from. But maybe I actually am getting to a point where junk food is going to have less of a positive effect on me than before at least, even if it stil tastes good going down. Maybe in time it won't taste good either, at this point I'm ruling nothing out, I've experienced WAY too many firsts on this journey to assume anything!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Motivated tonight

It has certainly been a long time since I've been here!

I have to write a post just about my trip home, but I don't think that is going to get done right now. Tonight I just want to make a post and start getting back into the routine of journalling again after being away for so long. I'd never intended to take such a long haitus...well, technically I hadn't intended to take a hiatus at all, but there you go. I put my laptop in to be serviced the day before I made the trip home, figuring it would be a good time to have the screen issue I've been having looked at, since I wouldn't be able to use it to go online at home anyway. They did a bunch of diagnostics and told me the hard drive was corrupt (aren't we all?) and that it had to be replaced. They sent it out while I was away, and I picked it up on my way from the airport when I got back in town, but when I get it home I discovered that the screen issue was still happening, so my next shift at work I brought it with me and gave it back to them so they could address it. It had to be sent away again, and I only got it back Saturday night, so I've been without a decent means of getting online. Yes, I had my old comp, but it has gotten so slow and unreliable that I only used it to check email, I even stopped trying to get on the WW website, which means I've not been tracking for the better part of a few weeks. I'm not sure if this has been good or bad, surely there have been benefits, but there is always a price to pay.

My visit home was wonderful in so many ways, but as always I went through the usual slump after I got back in Windsor. In many ways I had a much harder time adjusting to getting back after this trip than I had after any other. Part of it was feeling completely and utterly off my eating routine; I definitely had been eating foods which I was home that I am no longer accustomed to eating, and I was not eating much of the foods I have grown accustomed to having regularly. When I got back in town I found myself hungry through much of the day, and not finding my meals as satisfying as I used to. I was mostly okay with the foods I was eating, I just wanted to eat twice as much of them. I was also craving foods I have cut out, but mostly it was the hunger that was making my life difficult. As well, when I got back I discovered that summer had set in in full force, and the weather had gotten very hot and humid. I was able to stand it okay, but I definitely was not motivated to be going for walks or to exercise. My regular workout was out anyway, on account of not having my laptop, tho I did try to do the best I could using my PS2 to play my WATP dvd, and trying to do the core workout from memory, but the strangeness of it didn't help me to get back into my old routine. I've also been a lot more active socially than I normally am since getting back in town. Suddenly I was going out a lot and getting together with people almost every day, and I've had a lot less free time. I was trying to get workouts in, and having some measure of success, until I sprained my wrist while out boating and that effectively got rid of the possibility of strength training. I've done a bit of walking, and have been starting to go for bike rides on a friend's bike, but I'm still not back into the strength training yet. I spent today doing housework, and while I have pretty good range of movement with my hand, by the time I was done my wrist was aching like crazy and I had to take some acetaminophin for the pain. Still, it is getting better, slowly but surely, and that's the main thing.
Admitedly, the majority of the issue has not been the weather and the sprain and the laptop being serviced, instead the issue has been the fact that the thing I have been obsessing over for a year has happened and is over. Going home to see my family and surprising them was something I thought about constantly, and was one of my main sources of motivation throughout my journey so far. I had thought from time to time about how it would be for me after the trip was over, and how it might change things, but honestly I didn't put an overabundance of thought into it. Mostly I believed that while the trip was a huge source of motivation, it was not by any means my main source of motivation, and that after the trip I would still have my desire to be thin and healthy and active and strong. But to be honest, a tiny little part of me was afraid to think about what would happen afterward, because part of me must have understood just how much I was using the trip as a source of drive and determination to do the best that I can. I didn't want to consider the possibility that the trip had somehow become my largest source of motivation, because I didn't want to think about how that would affect me when I got home.

Well, I made the trip, and I came back, and I found out just how much my brain had been filled constantly with thoughts about the trip, because when I got back I suddenly felt extremely empty and directionless. No, I am in no way saying that I didn't care about my goals any more, but my intense drive to be active and to get as many APs as I could and my discipline over every meal with the thought of losing as much as I could that week seemed to have fallen by the wayside. Exercise for its own sake was not enough motivation to get me going, and I didn't feel that urgency any more in terms of losing every pound I could.

Now of course, it could very well be said that this has been a good thing; I was certainly feeling the strain mentally and even physically there in the last weeks before the trip, to the point that I was looking forward to the surprise being over just so I could stop feeling urgency to the point of panic almost constantly. I let myself get intense over it all because I knew it was temporary, and that it was not how I was planning to live for the rest of my life, and yet after the sense of relief was over after the initial meeting of the family was done, and after I got back in town, I am feeling the absence of that sence of urgency very, very keenly. It was so much a part of me for so long that it has been a huge adjustment since returning, getting used to it being gone. I suppose this has been a critical point for me in the sense that this is a point in my journey where I could potentially start wandering off track instead of keep moving toward my goals. I did go off tracking for a while, but I've tried my best to stay OP even without counting points, and since I have not gained in the last month, and have even lost a few, I have been very successful there I would think. On that count, the past month has been good for me, because it gave me a chance to live like "normal people", without counting and just trying to live healthy. I know now that I can do a reasonable job at following a healthy lifestyle without counting every morsal I put in my mouth, something I had wondered about more than once the past year. But before the trip I never would have allowed myself to go off counting points for a while in order to learn how I can do without points, I never would have relaxed enough, never would have wante to risk that I might not lose, of gods forbid, even gain a pound! I feel a lot more confident in myself and how far I've come after the last few weeks, I truly have changed a lot of my habits, because I still made healthy choices even without planning everything out and being accountable to my planner at the end of the day.

Now all that being said, I've still made the decision this week with the return of my laptop that I will get back into the habit of tracking what I eat, and to start trying to get daily activity in, even if I can't do proper workouts on account of my wrist. While I've been doing well at making healthy choices, I've definitely not been perfect, and I'm all too aware that I'm at a critical junction, and that I could still start slipping backwards without proper care. It's good to know I can go off points without going crazy, but at this time in my life when I am still adjusting to having one of my main sources of motivation out of the picture, I want to maintain at least a measure of discipline, because I don't want to get too far off track. I either need to find something else to motivate me, but then again, perhaps I just need to find a place mentally where I am able to maintain a style of eating and a method of exercising that is no longer so dependent on some outside source of motivation. Most people do well with short term goals, whether they are time goals (do X amount for 6 months) or end-point goals (till I lose X amount or till I can run X miles), and I do well with them too, I think, but I am getting very close to reaching my goal, and it is time for me to start thinking more long term. The ideal would be for me to just establish a healthy balance of eating and exercise that are not dependent on me feeling a sense of urgency about something in order to maintain it. Perhaps the level of food-strictness and the amount of exercise I'll have to do to maintain my goals will not be so strenuous that I will need to focus on some time goal or an end-point goal in order to stay motivated. Now that I'm getting over the feeling of emptiness and almost letdown that I had been feeling after the trip, I do confess that I am starting to enjoy this feeling of being relaxed about my eating and my exercise. Of course, I'm starting to track again, but that is because I don't want to get TOO relaxed about things; a certain amount of effort and vigilance is needed. It's all about finding the healthy balance, and I think I'm starting to gain my feet again.

I think the title of my last post is very fitting.

Earned 8 APs today: 2 hours (didn't count it all) housecleaning, 50 min bike ride