Those damn babies!

3 days till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Nothing is ever easy.

I'd counted on having a nice Sunday, and it was, up until the beginning of the evening (which coincidentally my fav part of Sunday) when D called and told me the other regular full-timer called in for tomorrow, and was I available to work? I ranted and raved and cussed quite a bit, then got over it (helped along by a stiff drink). I'd counted on tomorrow to get ready for the trip, because I will be working all day Tuesday and so that day will be a complete lost cause. So I cleaned up the kitchen and did all my laundry (waiting on the dryer) and made a meal to take with me tomorrow. It's all so annoying because the laundry room is always busy Sunday evenings and I usually avoid it, and I don't have much freggies right now and had been planning on being able to shop tomorrow for what I might need between now and Wednesday, on top of wanting to be able to relax and do nice things this evening (catch up on things and watch a movie) and had to spend it rushing about on chores instead. Those damn babies at work are making me CRAZY!!!!

I got a walk in today (not a river walk but one almost just as long) and I feel better overall. I can sit without supporting myself, and I felt energetic when I woke up, which is an awesome sign. I was planning to work out tomorrow but that is out now since I'll be working all day. I'm disappointed, but it's not as bad as it would have been otherwise with my body the way it is. I tried on my Goal Shirt again this evening and contemplated it, but I don't think it is wearable just yet. It was another disappointment, but I will accept it by the time I go, I hope.

Okay time to eat and get to bed. What a mess today ended up being, eating and going to bed this late and having to work all day tomorrow!

Earned 4 APs today: 70 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 49 APs
12.7 hours (760 min) total activity
30.2 miles (48.6 kms) walked
19.5 FPs remaining
3.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 184

Omens

2 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

In some ways it was a typical Sunday, and in others it was anything but. I did get my workout in and I did let myself get distracted both before and during by anything shiney; that is part of Sunday, I tend to let myself be whimsical if the notion takes me. I was getting myself pumped up to exercise and ended up spending entirally too much time dancing and singing, but going off schedule is just part of the day. Only I had made plans so they got pushed ahead (a main reason I don't tend to make plans on Sundays, I'm too undisciplined on Sundays and prefer not having to stick to a rigid plan). The plans went way longer than I had expected (which also fit with the normal Sunday theme) and I had to rush to get my dinner made for tomorrow and my supper made for tonight. I missed Mum's call (on Father's Day too...never got to talk to Dad), and F called in the middle of supper preparations to remind me that I was supposed to call her after I talked to Mum. That call went on too long because we ended up talking about our trip and gift ideas. I still need to talk to M, I don't even know if Mum knows they're both coming home with me. Things are so hectic lately!

Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min walking

Weekly summary:

Earned 43 APs
12.1 hours (725 min) total activity
23 miles (37 kms) walked
20 FPs remaining
.8 lbs gained
Current weight: 189.4

Dream on

3 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP:yes
-activity: yes

I'd wanted to be in bed long before this, but it is Sunday, my day, and as usual an unpredictable day. I got two phone calls that helped to throw the day off, one from M down south, and one from Mum. It didn't help that I felt the need for a nap this afternoon, and a sudden storm blew up out of no where and took one of my blinds and I had to venture out after the rain to go looking for it, and then got to visiting with the neighbours. I didn't get a river walk in, but I did get my workout in. I really don't know ow I feel at the end of this day, but I know I felt good earlier; I spent some time singing and dancing this afternoon, trying on clothes in my closest, and I realised that my Goal Shirt might actuall be wearable at some point, more specifically, when I go home next month.

Time will tell. Time always does.

Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min walking

Weekly summary:

Earned 43 APs
12 hours (720 min) total activity
23.5 miles (37.8 kms) walked
32 FPs remaining
1 lb lost
Current weight: 188.6

My body's nobody's body but mine...

4 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

...you got your own body, let me have mine!!!!!

A friend of mine here in Ontario told me that she learned a song to that effect in elementary school, a gimmick that was used in the schools here to teach children about molestation and abuse. It is in my mind today because of a post I read today on a website I frequent that belongs to a wonderful woman named Roni. She posted about how she has decided to have some additional surgery (she had a tummy tuck done over a year ago now I think it was) to tidy her stomach up after she had a big weight loss. A person made a comment on her blog about too much perfection, and I immediately saw red.

How dare people be negative towards someone who decides to have surgery to tidy their body after extreme weight loss? Why do people think they're better than someone else, just because they think/believe differently? I wonder if this person has ever lost a huge amount of weight, and have had to deal with that. If a person changes their lifestyle and exercises and loses weight, and then has a bunch of leftover skin because their skin doesn't shrink like some people's, why on earth should that person have to live with it forever and suffer it, when surgery can fix it? Why do some people make a judgement call that surgery for reasons other than are meant to save your life are wrong, shameful, or wasteful? Why do some people think their way of thinking is better than someone else's?

Och, I suppose it can apply to lots of different topics, but this one is definitely very, very personal to me. I plan to have surgery as soon as I can manage it to tidy my body up, and woe be to any person who tries to tell me to my face that I should be ashamed, or who looks down their noses at me. It is not my fault that my skin does not snap back. And if someone thinks that I should live the rest of my life with my body sagging and hanging and drooping all over as some kind of price because I lived so long as a morbidly obese person, then those people can go fuck themselves. How dare someone think they are better because they have been thin forever, or don't have to deal with their skin hanging off them like deflated balloons. There is nothing shameful in not being happy with your body and with wanting to change it. There is nothing shameful in turning to surgery because it is a last resort. And you know what? There is nothing shameful in turning to surgery as a first resort, that is simply what someone else decides is right for them. Just because it is not right for you does NOT mean that you are suddenly superior. You can talk all you want about your battle scars, but just because you are happy with your body drooping does not mean you are better than me because I am not happy with my body drooping. I accept me for who I am, and I love me for who I am, and my happiness does not hang on this single thing, but it is still an important thing to me, and I will change it when I can so that I can be happier. No, I would not jump off the bridge if surgery was impossible. I did not jump off the bridge when I was morbidly obese. My life does not depend on what my body looks like, but if I am happier without the excess skin, then I will aim to get rid of it, because we only have one life to live, and I have every right to be as happy as I can, and to do what I can to reach my goals. It is not a failing to be unhappy with my body, if it was not a failing to be unhappy with an obese body, it is not a failing to be unhappy with a size 12 body in size 26 skin. and if I choose to spend thousands of dollars to get my body the way I want it, who are you to look down your nose at me, or at Roni, or at anyone else who makes this decision? If I am not depriving myself or someone else of the necessities of life to do so, and if I am not hanging my life on it, just deciding it is something I want and is within my means, then it is my choice to do so. People spend money on all manner of things, cars, houses, clothes...this is my body...my body...surely my body is the most important thing to me, more important than material possessions. Surely if nothing else, I have a right to work on my body and to have it the way I want it. And if there is no way other than surgery than to get it the way I want it, after so much effort, then so be it. Everyone who thinks differently can bugger off in high fashion.

Yes, I am very passionate about this topic. I had so much more I wanted to say about it, but I get so emotional about it that I lose it all.

It was a good day, I went for a walk late this morning, and spent the afternoon cleaning. I meant to catch up on my journal this evening, but the cleaning went overboard, and I ran out of time. I didn't get to the main room, but the kitchen is all sorted, and I got some new containers to get things more organised in there. I spend a lot of time in there, it's only fitting that it should be sorted and sensible. Okay, time for supper shortly, more tomorrow.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 42 APs
7.4 hours (945 min) total activity
9 miles (14.5 kms) walked
29 FPs remaining
2.0 lbs lost
Current weight: 189.6

This time next week

1 week till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I don't know what's up with me tonight. I feel so spacey, almost like I've had a few beers. I didn't get as much sleep last night as I normally would, but I still got a decent amount. I feel spacey like I do when it's been over 24 hours since I've had any sleep. I only ate twice today (yes I know, my bad), but my mealtimes were thrown off because I needed to get milk for breakfast and was trying to juggle that with doing laundry and the next thing I know I'm eating breakfast at dinnertime. I went for a walk in the afternoon and ended up not having a middle meal, but by suppertime I was really hungry and I guess that might account for the spaceyness. I made the spaghetti squash lasagna recipe from the website I discovered recently and which was basically the reason I bought the spaghetti squash in the first place. It took a while to make but it was more than worth it. I felt obscenely proud of myself when I was eating it, it's the first time I felt like I actually cooked something, even tho it was such a simple recipe. I think spaghetti squash might become a staple of my diet. And zucchini...I've fallen head over heels for zucchini! Either way I am feeling too weird tonight to feel up to calculating the numbers for my weekly summary. I will do it tomorrow and add it on.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 41 APs
10.9 hours (655 min) total activity
26 miles (41.8 kms) walked
35 FPs remaining
4.4 lbs lost
Current weight: 196.8

In the morning I get up and I try to feel alive but I can't

2 weeks till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another day where I had a hard time starting, and I didn't want to do anything at all. I was having dreams I'd rather not have had and I woke up in quite the funk. I'd wanted to get a river walk in today along with my workout, but it didn't happen because I was so late starting, and I took a little longer than usual to finish it up. But on a day like today it is an accomplishment enough just to have got it all done, and I did get a short walk in, so it wasn't a complete loss. I don't know why exactly but I've been feeling so fat the past few days that it would be disheartening if I let it get to me. I'm blaming it on my mood (which could possibly be caused by hormones at this point of my cycle) and I'm not giving in to the negative thinking. I just hate how I can still look at myself in the mirror and think I look awful, even if it's only sometimes that I think it, and not always, like before.

Earned 12 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 25 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 45 APs
15.8 hours (945 min) total activity
32 miles (51.5 kms) walked
19 FPs remaining
.8 lbs gained
Current weight: 201.2

Sunday

3 weeks till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Back-dated. Never got a chance to post on Sunday, was tired and slept late and then had to get my activity in, and ended up going to bed early.

Earned 9 APs: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders

Weekly summary:
Earned 45 APs
11.4 hours (685 min) total activity
21 miles (33.8 kms) walked
33 FPs remaining
1.6 lbs lost
Current weight: 200.4

Sunday

4 weeks till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

This is backdated, I got asked to work Sunday night (BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!) and by the time I got home and got supper, it was half past midnight and I had to be up at dawn so I just went to bed.

Earned 10 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics, 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps

Weekly summary:
Earned 49 APs
12.3 hours (740 min) total activity
17 miles (27.4 kms) walked
33 FPs remaining
STS
Current weight: 202

Countdown to Nightwish

Seven years ago I heard tell of a Finnish band from some online friends, and I decided to check out their sound. I was instantly and forever hooked, and they have been my fav band ever since. Nightwish instroduced me to the genre of symphonic metal, a sound that is almost uniquely suited to my tastes, and for years now I've enjoyed their music. The band has gone through some changes, not the least being a change in their lead singer, but I've not lost my love of the band.

A dear friend bought me their newest album, which I had not yet heard....and tickets to their concert in London for May 11th of this year. And thus the Countdown to Nightwish begins.

5 weeks from this moment I will be probably be beside myself with emotion as I look at my favorite band performing on a stage in a city some miles north and east of here. As luck will have it my best friend in all the world will be by my side, as she has agreed to accompany me and share the experience. I've been experiencing a measure of sadness of my life the past few months, and it means the world to me that she is going to make the trip here to be with me on that weekend. Despite my continued dedication to my weight loss goals and my activity goals, there has been precious little joy in my life lately, and I want to turn this into something that I can feel excitement and happiness about. Spring is finally here, and I want to have something to look forward to.

When I first got the tickets, one of the thoughts that went through my head was that I could be so close to goal by then. As it turned out my weight loss has slowed down to a degree, so I probably won't be as close I had initially thought I might be, but nonetheless I am still half thinking of this upcoming Nightwish weekend as being my celebration of reaching my goal. My celebration for reaching 50 lbs lost actually occurred before I reached that milestone, so it won't be unprecidented that I have my 'celebration' before the fact.

But then, it just occurred to me that since goal is too far off to consider reaching, I could think of the Nightwish weekend as being my celebration of reaching 100 lbs lost. It also occurs to me that I could think of my pending trip back home as my ultimate celebration of reaching my goal (whatever it ends up being). That seems much more fitting to me, now. I think I shall have to make it official. Okay, officially now, the Nightwish weekend will be my celebration of losing 100 lbs, whether or not I have actually lost 100 at the time. I doubt I will have, but I sure as hell will aim for it. But more than getting caught up in the numbers, what I will do is make a committment here and now that for the next 5 weeks I will do my utmost to be OP every day, and to get some sort of activity in every single day. I can't control how fast the weight comes off, but I can contol the rest of it, and if I try to be OP every day and to exercise every day until then, I will know that I have done everything I can to get as close too the 100 lb milestone as I can. And I know that no matter how much weight I lose between now and then, I will be very proud of myself if I can reach those two goals of being OP and exercise for the next 5 weeks, and I will feel very deserving of a weekend of fun. Let the countdown begin!!!

I worked my tail off today and I'm feeling particularly fine. I did my full round, and then I rigged up and went for a river walk to top it all off. I was thinking of going for a walk right after I woke up, but I decided that it would be nice to use it as a reward for doing my strength training, as walking is very uncomplicated and non-demanding compared to the strength stuff. When I walk I can just go and feel the sun and wind on my face and think about whatever I want without having to keep track of how many reps I've done and what exercise comes next and how many sets and so on. I was wondering if I might change my mind, but when I finished I was feeling strong and eager to get outside and walk. There were a lot of people with the same idea, the weather was gorgeous, sunny and warm compared to the winter we've had. I just wore my fleece, and I felt light and unencumbered when I set out. I wore the outside part of my winter jacket to work yesterday without the fleece inside, and I was suddenly very aware of the fact that my winter jacket has gotten rather big for me. It seems it will be its last winter, I shall have to go coat shopping next winter. Of course that means next summer, because the winter clothes come out in summer. I bet there are a lot of spring/summer clothes in the stores now, I would get excited about doing some shopping and trying some of it on, but I still have a ways to go before I start investing in new clothes, plus I don't have the funds anyway. I'll probably have to make another trip to the thrift store sometime soon, but I'm not in dire straits so I'm not fretting. It would be nice to have another pair of pants at least since I'll be getting back into walking outside regularly again. I would like to have another pair of good pants too, I have my jeans I really love, but they are getting big and they are the only pants I have to wear when going out aside from my work pants. I'm planning to wait until May and get a nice pair of jeans then, so I'm trying to make things last till then. My body really is changing. Really and truly. When I'm nekid and looking in the mirror I feel huge but I can't ignore the fact that my body is getting smaller, however it actually looks when I'm just in my skin (my oh so enormous skin). I have so much sag and hang and droop around my middle that when I'm out of my clothes it is really hard to see that I'm smaller, because I have all this junk around my middle still. I've always carried my weight around my waist, which has always been my thickest part. One of the strange and eternally taxing parts of my body has been that I am very small chested despite being so overweight, and paired with carrying my weight around my middle it has only served to make me seem even more disproportional. I've often wished for a larger bust, but more than that I've just wanted my middle to just be smaller. I've noticed of late that my stomach area is creeping closer to the point of not protruding past my bustline, which is something I have taken much happiness in. I'm monitoring the situation with immense interest, and will be thrilled when I can look at myself nekid and see that my boobs (such as they are...they are shrinking too, the silly things) overshadow my tummy. I was at first startled, then ecstatic, when I was walking today and noticed my reflection in storefronts on my way to the river and saw that when I'm wearing my fleece my tummy is actually not sticking out past my boobs. I tightened the draw strings around the waist of my fleece because it was looking too baggy, so that definitely contributed, but it wasn't holding my stomach in overly much, so I'm extremely pleased knowing I'm almost there. I couldn't believe it when I first noticed my reflection, for a moment I thought "Is that me??", and then I was eagerly waiting for each glimpse of myself I would get in each upcoming window. Most definitely a wonderful change for once.

Oh, the number I was seeing on the scale earlier in the week did indeed stick fast. In fact, I had a rather influential visit to the loo an hour after I recorded this number, so it in fact more than stuck, unofficially. However, since I had also had my usual large breakfast in the interim, I am still going with the offical logged number, since I don't think the difference will affect my DPs. It looks like a huge loss, but it truly isn't, since that 3 lb "gain" last week was not a true gain at all, but since I my recommittment to not getting caught up with trying to manipulate the numbers, I logged that so-called gain and went on with life. I WI Friday morning just before I eat my first meal of the day, regardless of how late my last meal had been the night before, or whether I had been to the loo yet, or whether the scale is being kind. And despite the inconsistency of my WIs now, I am finding this new routine to be much less stressful, and I am so glad I owned up to the silliness and chose to cut it out.

Earned 17 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics, 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 85 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 38 APs
9.3 hours (555 min) total activity
17 miles (27.4 kms) walked
27 FPs remaining
7.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 202

A new look

I decided I wanted a different look for my blog. I liked the old one, but it was better suited to a more personal blog, and I plan to use the template to make one. For this blog however, I wanted something to reflect how I feel about my weight loss efforts. The background I chose is actually called "Motion", which I thought to be an interesting coincidence.

I had a good day, I woke up early, relaxed and caught up on things on the comp, had a great breakfast, did dishes, laundry and then exercised. I'm just doing my weekly Sunday evening routine now before I make supper and retire for the night. My workout was very good, I was able to notice that I am getting stronger, or at least that it is still getting easier to complete. I've not had a sore arse since that time the week before, but I'm still trusting that what I'm doing is having its effects and I'm just continuing on with it. F visited yesterday, we had a staff meeting in the morning and she gave me a ride home then hung out here till she had to work later in the afternoon. There was coffee and doughnuts as usual at the meeting, and as always I wanted to eat yummy doughnuts, and as always I resisted. Even when a coworker tried to convince me to have some, meaning well. F's visit was satisfying on various levels. First of all, the fact that I've been keeping up with my housework meant that it wasn't a problem to have a visitor on no notice. I also made my usual breakfast and ate it without feeling self conscious. I thought she would say that it was rather a lot of food for a sitting, but she argued that she didn't think it was, really. We had a wonderful long chat about this and that, and as always she was always avidly interested in my weight loss and hearing all about the nit pickies and anything noteworthy, and anything not, at that. She has always been so supportive of my efforts, albeit protective and cautious at times, but it's only because she cares and worries sometimes that I might go overboard with things. She said that seeing me at home in my own clothes makes her really realise that my body is now "permanently fundamently different", to use her words. I didn't get her at first, but she finally made me understand that since she usually sees me at work in my uniform, it is harder to see how a person is changing when you see them in their uniform, because the non-changing clothes can mask the changes that are actually there. I'd never thought of it before, but it made a lot of sense to me once I understood what she meant. We also chatted about other things, and for once I was in an open mood, and it was lovely to spend some quality time, we don't get to do that very often any more. We'll have to make more of a point, now that she will be moving. We talked for a bit on the phone this evening, but I was in the middle of exercising so I didn't talk long. She asked me out to our fav restuarant in the city, and I was sorely tempted because the food is so delicious, but I needed to finish exercising, and I don't have any money to eat out anyway, so it wasn't as hard to say no as it might have been. But from then on I was distracted by wanting food from the Mongolian Grill. Which reminds me, yesterday I had the most powerful craving for cheese...real cheese. I came damn close to buying some when I went to the grocery, but I knew that it is costly, pointswise, and I wanted to eat a lot more than I could allot, and with the cost of it, I decided to forego it completely. I'm not often had such strong cravings for food since I've started WW, but that one was as strong as anything could be. I'm feeling it again now to an extent, just thinking about it. I would love to have some cheese and Vienna Sausages on Ritz crackers right now, like I would have back home in the middle of the night for a snack. Even tho cravings are not neessarily happy things, I'm still sitting here smiling a little remembering doing that. Anyhoo, time for me to get sorted; I'm showered and well worked, but I still need to eat. I feel good and strong, I put some extra into it just because I felt motivated and good about what I was doing. I love having my mojo on, I hope the hormones don't get me this month like they did last month, I hate losing it! I also had some extra motivation from weighing this morning and seeing the scale way down from my official WI from Friday. I am interested to see whether it sticks for this week, if it does I will be happy.

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Weekly summary:
Earned 32 APs
8.1 hours (485 min) total activity
4.5 miles (7.2 kms) walked
28 FPs remaining
3.0 lbs gained
Current weight: 209.2

Love, laugh, and cry with all your heart

It's Chocolate Day, and I have managed to avoid the siren call, however hard it's been. I do so miss chocolate, one of my true vices!

Feeling that wonderful quiet ache in my muscles again. I did another full round, that made three days this week, and while it wasn't easy by any means (especially the free weights), I feel less fatigued afterward than I had been last Wednesday when I did it, so I believe things are going well. If I was overstressing myself, it would be harder as I go, but that first day doing a full round was harder than today so I am not worried. I was initially planning to go two days before another full round, but my work schedule changed for this week, so it looks like I will be doing a repeat on Tuesday after all, because Wednesday will be out now. I'm pleased with this week's activity, very pleased, and if next week goes the same, I will still be able to meet my activity goal for the month, even with those two slack weeks I had. I've not been on the elliptical in weeks, but with these new exercises I've been doing, my quads (more specifically my vastuslateralis) have been constantly achy, so I've stayed off the elliptical in order to give them time to recoop in between times. I'm still not happy with my form whilst doing the lunges tho, or doing the side planks in the pilates workout. Something for me to work on.

Had a decent WI this week, all things considered; I was a very bad girl the night before WI, ended up not having supper because I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. So if I'd been good, I probably would have logged a STS, or near enough. However, I'm keeping in line with my new committment not to let the scale be the end all be all, and I'm not fussing over it. I'm not thinking about the number on the scale and have been thinking instead about my activity numbers, and how so many people mentioned to me this week about how good I'm looking. From here on out I guess every pound worked off will truly make a difference. With this week's WI, officially I am now under the number of 30 lbs to my goal, which suddenly makes it all the more real to me. 28 and some odd pounds to go...that hardly seems real. It's going to take some time to sink in. Numbers in the 20s seem a lot less than numbers in the 30s for some reason...which is probably a huge factor in why I started my journey when I did. I am too aware of the fact that I am on the verge of leaving my 20s behind to enter my 30s, and I want to do it in the best shape that I can be, to offset the turmoil I will be feeling at entering that new decade. 28.2 lbs to goal is only 2 pounds less than 30.2 lbs, but nonetheless, it seems like a LOT less. It also clicked sometime after I updated my stats after WI this week that I am creeping ever close to a huge milestone, namely getting into Onederland. I've not been thinking of that hardly at all, with how focussed I've been on reaching each 10 lb milestone. Suddenly it seems like I am right at the door, without hardly having been thinking of it at all. I definitely got some extremely exciting and motivating milestones not far ahead of me!

My mood is better today than it had been yesterday. Not sure why, exactly, could be any number of reasons. The fact that it is sunday, for one thing. This is my day, after all. I don't have to work, and I don't have to be around people I don't want to be around. The exercise also helps a lot; I find I don't do much thinking when I'm doing exercises other than the WATP, and while I do that I'm still usually thinking positive, motivating thoughts about my journey so far, and getting to goal. I also spent a few hours listening to music earlier today before I exercised (which is why I'm so late tonight finishing up) and that always helps restore some of my equilibrium. I had a moment of clarity about something, and while it's not a happy thing, it helps me understand some of the feelings I've been having. Spring is creeping up on us, a time of rebirth and of things coming to life, it is 8:30pm and it's only now just gone dark outside. There are more things coming to life than the things I see outside, underneath the snow. I came into this year thinking it was going to be mine. I might not be particularly happy now, but I will not give up on that. The pains I am feeling now are unavoidable, and are necessary in order to reach an eventual end. The process might not be particularly pleasant, I might have never intended it, but in order for things to play out to the best case scenario, it is all necessary. All right, enough of being cryptic for one night, time to get sorted and get to bed.

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest.

Weekly summary:
Earned 39 APs
9.8 hours (590 min) total activity
11 miles (17.7 kms) walked
19 FPs remaining
2.0 lbs lost
Current weight: 206.2

Right.

Back-dated

Earned 5 APs today: 70 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 14 APs
3.5 hours (210 min) total activity
8.5 miles (13.7 kms) walked
27 FPs remaining
2.8 lbs lost
Current weight: 208.2

Let's get to the point...you don't know how it feels to be me..

I was a bad girl today...but it is Sunday. So I missed today, but I never went over, anyway. I was good all week. I may have skimped one day, but I never splurged.

It is my day. It is MY DAY.

Earned 5 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 40 min free weights (upper body)

Weekly summary:
Earned 24 APs
6 hours (360 min) total activity
8.5 miles (13.7 kms) walked
30.5 FPs remaining
4.6 lbs lost
Current weight: 211

8 months

It occured to me this afternoon while I was doing my WATP that I have been on WW for 8 months. Eight months ago today I started counting points religiously. Eight months ago today I committed myself fully to a new lifestyle. Eight months ago today I made a choice to give up most of the food I was eating and accepted that if I were to eat them again, it would be in an extremely controlled way and only in severe moderation. Eight months ago I accepted that my life would never be the same again.

And it hasn't, either.

I have absolutely no idea why it struck me so hard today. I have never before placed importance on an 8-month anniversary. The fact that I am struck by the significance of today when I have never really noted an 8-month anniversary before is interesting, because I do mark anniersaries, and suffer from anniversary symptoms. Usually it is the 9-month mark that occassions more notice, but for some reason when I realised it today, it just seem suddenly so close to the 1 year mark, so much more closer than 7 months. Ah, who knows. Maybe it is just the mood I am in today (whatever THAT is, exactly). I don't know how to describe how I am feeling, exactly. I am struck by the passage of time, and how a goodly chunk of time has passed since I started. It seems like no time at all. How strange to think that 'no time at all' will pass again, before I am at goal. So many women on the boards talk about how they have tried to adopt a new lifestyle, only to fall out of it sooner or later. I've been doing this for 8 months, and I have been doing so well. It's almost hard to say that, that I have been doing so well. But it is the truth, and me saying that is not vanity, nor boasting, nor will it jinx anything. When I started WW and committed to a new lifestyle, I was filled with an all-consuming sense of surity and confidence in what I was doing, and that has never waivered once, not once in the past 8 months. But even so, way way way way down deep there has been something, not a doubt, per se, but more a sense of curiousity, as to whether I would ever start to struggle at some point, whether or not I went OP (which I have never truly believed I would...thus the sense of surity and confidence). I have always known that I have made this committment and I will stick to it and never look back, but that is not the same as going through rough times, where things are much harder even as you keep following the plan and staying committed. I think today struck me so much because I have gone this long without any huge bumps in the road. It is a long time to have stayed OP to such a degree. I know this because I visit the WW boards faithfully every day and I have heard so so many stories and so many different people talking about their experiences. What we're doing is not easy; it is no small thing to change a lifetime of living and habits. So many people struggle. One thing that I have noticed on my favorite board on the site is that many of the regulars, or long-timers, have bee struggling this winter. These are women who have been on the program over a year, and who have all lost over 100 lbs so far. They are an incredible bunch of women, and I admire all of them very much. They have come so far, and right now many of them are struggling. I don't know why, heck, they don't know why, but I read every post with interest and the desire to learn from their experiences. I do not take the attitude of "that will NEVER happen to me!", but instead I try to learn so maybe I can avoid the same situations. I know without a fact that one of the reasons I have done so well so far is because I visit the boards daily, and I soak up every scrap of insight they share greedily. There have been many little bumps for me along the way that might have been mountains otherwise, if I had not been expecting them, and had prepared myself for them and how I could deal with them. Similarily, I am preparing myself for the possibility that after a year on the program, things might not actually get easier, which one might expect after being so long OP and having gotten so well into the swing of things. The truth seems to be that once you start getting closer to goal, people start getting sucked into complacency, and it is a very vicious trap to fall into, albiet unassuming. They al speak of getting comfortable, and not having the same zeal, of not being motivated the same way to be disciplined. Not once have I thought this will never happen to me, I am not so arrogant as to think I am different in some way. I do like to think that if I am aware of it, that I can increase my chances of avoiding this trap because I can set myself up properly so that I can be prepared to deal with the issue of complacency when it inevitably comes up. I want to be alert for signs of it, and I want to stamp it out where ever I recognise it in my life. Motivation is something we can create for ourselves, and discipline is a choice. As long as I keep my goals and my priorities forefront in my mind, then I will be less likely to allow myself to start slipping into the trap of complacency. And I am very aware of how easy it is for me right now with my current life circumstances. I can only imagine how hard it is to make these choices when one's life is consumed by a family and a full time job and all the rest that goes along with it. When my life changes it will be even more important to keep these things in mind.

I did in fact log my gain for today, and WHAT a gain! Even after all my posturising yesterday, I STILL struggled with the temptation today not to WI, to wait till tomorrow, to not eat or drink anything today until I got down to a STS. I've all but decided to change my WI day to Friday, because I like to use my FPs on the weekend, but I still decided to log my weight today and not just wait till Friday. All I could think was how my weight tracker will show a blank week if I didn;t log today, and I have not had that since I got my own scale. I want to be completely honest with myself, that is something that has always been a priority for me, perhaps the most important one, and yet along this journey I have allowed myself to hedge on this issue. I have allowed myself to try and fool myself. A woman on the WW boards made a post on her blog last year that I never forgot. She is a wonderful person and one of my favorites of the regulars there. She talked about how so many of us try to fool ourselves and play a numbers game. Her name is Deborah and her website is http://itmbb.com/deborah/. This is what she said:

Day 19 is all about not fooling yourself. Do I ever know all about that! All kinds of things like “it doesn’t count because it’s so small”, or “I can have just one, it’s no big deal” etc…etc. There’s a list of these thoughts in the book, and I can relate to at least half of them. The truth is, everything counts. It’s all calories that are contributed to my total daily intake. If I am going to have a mini chocolate bar, or a donut, or even a piece of fruit, I must count it towards my daily points.

Like the last day, there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot I can actively do here, except ponder the idea. I must try to keep in mind that every bite counts. I did start thinking of other ways we fool ourselves. It drives me absolutely nuts when people on the WW boards share their “WI strategies”, such as not exercising on the day of their WI, or not drinking water. Basically these people try to fool themselves into thinking they’ve lost ore fat than they have, or they forfeit a day of healthy living just so they
can please themselves with a number on the scale. Hell, even I know that if I live healthily for a week and lose 5 pounds, I can’t have lost 5 pounds of actual fat. I like to have an accurate number on the scale, sure. That’s why I weigh in on Monday morning, stark naked, after doing all my bathroom business. I know that people who weigh in at meetings don’t all have the naked option, nor can hey all weigh in first thing in the morning. But if I had an evening WI, I’d go about my business as usual during the day.

I have definitely adopted the habit of pleasing myself with a number on the scale. I have been so smug when I look at my numbers going oh so steadily downward. I have revelled in how the slope of my weight loss rate has been a consistent downward number. And there have definitely been WI days where I didn't eat my first meal until afternoon, just so I could log that number, because I had had a late supper the night before, or my digestion was off, and I was waiting till I could make that influential trip the loo. I have not wanted to say that out loud, but something has come over me yesterday and today, and I do not want to be the fool Deborah talks about. Since the beginning I have not wanted to turn this into something unhealthy, have not wanted to fall into unhealthy habits or thought processes...because it is very possible to be unhealthy while never ever going over one's DPs and exercising faithfully every day. I have allowed myself to pretend that what I was doing is not a big deal, and let it continue. But I am making the choice now not to let it continue. Logging that gain today was a sign of my committment to being healthy, and to not letting a number on a scale dictate my life. If I am hungry as soon as I wake up on WI day, I should give myself the freedom of going ahead and eating, and not waiting to see what the scale says before I decide when to eat. If I have to eat a late supper the night before, I should do so, and not think about what the scale will say. Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want the scale to go down. But this is a lifestyle change, and this is forever. My behaviours are more important than numbers. And if I concentrate on the behaviours, the numbers will cooperate in time. I am getting too caught up lately in wanting it to happen quickly, because I have gotten used to the rate of loss I have shown in my first 7 months. I have said it more than once...this is not a race. But I have let myself secretly get into the mindset of treating it like one. I can choose to let that continue, or I can choose to fess up to it and stop. I am going to stop. I have been paying lip service to some very important tenents of my new lifestyle up to now, and from this day onward I am going to make a real effort to be compeltely honest with myself, and to more fully live the lifestyle I have been talking about. I am also choosing not to feel shame. There are always growing pains.

I got my activity in today, and I am very pleased with how the week has gone. There have been more days than I would normally like since last Sunday that I have not been OP, and I want to change that in this upcoming week. But nonetheless I am still really happy with this week, and especially my activity. Excersising has been hard since the chest cold; I have to push myself to finish once I start because it is more difficult than I am used to. When I was doing my free weights today I was feeling so tired that I just wanted to stop, and it wasn't muscle fatigue so much as it was just plain tiredness, even tho I had gotten a good amount of sleep last night, and normally would not feel that way. I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep, and I hate that feeling. It has happened a few times while exercising, normally after a period of physical stress like illness. I was unhappy because I had hoped I would feel better now, late in the week, but thankfully after I finished my time on the elliptical I had gained that familiar feeling of strength and contentment, and it did me a world of good to feel it. That is how I am used to feeling when I exercise, and I hate those few times when I just feel so much more tired. It was a big reinforcer to experience that feeling of being vitalised, and I sincerely hope it will stick with me from here on out. Recovering from illness is frustrating, and I hope I am getting back to normal. I am planning to revamp my exercise regime somewhat this week, and I hope I can maintain that feeling of physical and mental satisfaction throughout.

I think it's important before I sign off to reiterate to myself why exactly I am so proud of how this week went:

• I made a committment to get three days of free weights in, and I did that
• I earned 32 APs coming off a period of illness and inactivity, showing once again that I can get back into exercise after being away from it for a short time
• 4 days out of this week I did not use any FPs at all, and since I am now on 31 DPs, that is very significant, primarily because I am used to eating a lot of APs. Being able to get by on just my DPs for so many days is an accomplishment, and helps me see that I am able to adjust and get by with less than I have been used to, which is such an important skill to have, as I get further into my journey and am ever faced with a decreasing DP allottment
• I exercised even tho it was hard
• While I had days this week where I was not OP, I was in no way grossly off plan; the days I did not meet all the guidelines, I only missed one requirement (eg., missined 1 dairy for the day, or 1 oil), and in basically every case it was me deciding last minute that I was full after supper and did not want to eat anything else. I had accounted for the guidelines each time, which would have resulted in an OP day if I had not been satisfied, with the exception of the day I missed the oil.
• I got on the ellipitical on Saturday before work, something I have never done before
• I signed up for the monthly activity challenge and will sign up for the monthly OP challenge too
• I could have eaten out on Friday, but I chose not to, because I knew I had not planned for it, plus I had planned to go right home and exercise that day, and if I ate out there was no way I would come home and exercise.
• I logged a gain.

Earned 12 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 60 min free weights, 40 min elliptical

Weekly summary:
Earned 32 APs
6 hours (360 min) total activity
6 miles (9.7 kms) walked
14 FPs remaining
4.6 lbs gained
Current weight: 215.6

Always gone too long

I got my activity in today and I'm proud of that. I was tempted not to, I guess I've not been motivated to do it much lately, but I made myself and I'm happy I did. It was important to me to get another session of free weights in this week, in light of not having been doing it when I was sick, and not wanting to lose my muscle. It was hard again, but I managed fine. I want to get my three sessions in next week, hopefully after that I will get stronger than I feel right now. I was thinking I might go for a river walk today, too, but I remembered I had movies that I needed to sort out before I returned them, so that took up some of my time this afternoon. To make up for that, I'm planning to get some sort of activity in tomorrow, despite the fact that I normally don't exercise on Monday because it is my long day. I didn't have an OP day yesterday after all, supper got left by the wayside, but that was the first non-OP day in a week, and I am pleased with things overall. I did log that gain today, and I simply recorded it then didn't think about it. It really isn't a big deal to me right now. I'm still moving forward, and I'm getting my groove back now that I'm starting to get better. It's not about having to be perfect, it's about how we handle the bumps. And the bumps will be inevitable. Bring it, I say.

Earned 7 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 60 min free weights, 20 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 15 APs
4 hours (240 min) total activity
5.5 miles (8.9 kms) walked
14 FPs remaining
.8 lbs gained
Current weight: 211

She's a good girl..

..no, actually. She isn't.

Weekly summary:
Earned 32 APs
4.7 hours (280 min) total activity
3 miles (4.8 kms) walked
26.5 FPs remaining
5.4 lbs lost
Current weight: 215

Superbowl Suday

I hadn't been excited about the big game; I was feeling down because I didn't have anyone to watch it with, and neither of the teams do it for me, but it turned out to be a great game to watch and I did get into it. Eli Manning is very likable and I was happy to see him do well, tho I wasn't cheering for one team over the other. I would also have liked to see the Pats get their perfect season.

I've slacked on the exercise because I'm been sore and distracted. I vow to make up for that this week coming. I had a STS at WI yesterday, but today the scale is showing me as down 4 lbs since yesterday. I do think the suppers and tons of water late at night are really messing with me lately. Oh well, it all comes out in the wash.

Weekly summary:
Earned 28 APs
4.5 hours (270 min) total activity
4.5 miles (7.2 kms) walked
9.5 FPs remaining
STS
Current weight: 221.4

Sunday

I am proud to say that I will be getting to bed by 10pm tonight. That is still too late for a Sunday, but it is ever so much better than I have been doing. It was so strange not having football today to dictate my schedule. I've finished the week with a record high amount of FPs. I got a goodly amount of activity in, but most importantly, I did 40 min of high intensity on the elliptical. 40 MINUTES HIGH INTENSITY!!!! I keep having these moments of doubt where I think I must not be actually doing high intensity, because surely I couldn't maintain it for 40 minutes without dying, but I am actually doing it! Afterward my legs felt rather jelly-like for a little while, and when I took off my socks they felt so heavy that it ocurred to me that I might actually be able to wring them out and I actually was able to! I laughed and celebrated, I see that as a huge NSV! I can exercise to such a degree that I can wring out my damn socks! I can do 40 min high intensity exercise! I can do 40 min of high intensity exercise AFTER doing 30 min aerobics and then 60 min strength training! Dammit, I feel incredible!!!

Earned 14 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 60 min free weights, 50 min elliptical

Weekly summary:
Earned 56 APs
8.3 hours (495 min) total activity
6 miles (9.7 kms) walked
32.5 FPs remaining
0.6 lb gain
Current weight: 221.4

Football Sunday

I really must manage my time better on Sundays, having to work these early morning Monday shifts. Got activity in, watched games, cheered to see Indy go down. Tho I suppose once football season is over it will be a lot easier to get things done on the weekend. My flat is still tidy and clean, but I'm regretably behind on posting and woefully behind on email. I guess Tuesday will be my day to catch up things, I'm going to be toast tomorrow night after work, but maybe I'll be able to make a proper post tomorrow.

Earned 12 APs today: 10 min low-intensity DDR, 75 min mod-indensity DDR, 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 60 min free weights

Weekly summary:
Earned 55 APs
10.7 hours (640 min) total activity
20 miles (32.2 kms) walked
17 FPs remaining
2.0 lbs lost
Current weight: 223.4

Sunday

I'm distracted at the moment. I was in a good mood, but I'm chatting with a friend and he said something that annoyed me and now I feel like I'm all thrown off my stride. I can't remember any of the things I was planning to say here. I feel all disjointed...annoying!

I got a good amount of activity in today, but I noticed I was fatigued again and awful sweaty. I don't know if the weather outside is perhaps mild and thus the flat is warmer, or what might be going on. It just seems strange because it is out of the ordinary. Maybe it is just because I got a lot of activity in this week compared to last month and I'm just feeling it. I'll be taking it easy tomorrow on account of working an extra long shift then coming home to watch the big game (GO BUCKS!!!) so maybe that will sort things out.

I had an absolutely awsome loss this week...3.8 lbs!!! I will say I met my that goal I set a couple weeks ago to lose 60 lbs by my 6 month mark; last week's WI was lower than it should have been because of digestive issues, which is something I wondered about at the time, because I did feel bloated and didn't have a BM before my WI, or all day for that matter. Funny how quick I was to blame the exercise, I guess I owe it an apology. I'm sorry exercise, you're great and I love you! Lets never fight again!

I got a huge surprise yesterday when I did the math and realised that I'm now 47.4 lbs to goal. 47.4 lbs!!!!! That is completely crazy! And wonderful! It suddenly seems so much closer than it ever did! I've just been walking around since yesteday filled with squee and glee. From here on out things are only going to get better! I'm getting to the point where every loss is going to be more noticable, and I'm excited for that. I'll be taking pics again this week, which is always fun. PLUS, I measured this morning and I have 9 inches gone off my waist! UNBELIEVABLE!!!

Earned 12 APs today: 10 min low-intensity DDR, 75 min mod-indensity DDR, 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 60 min free weights

Weekly summary:
Earned 55 APs
11.3 hours (680 min) total activity
10.5 miles (16.9 kms) walked
12.5 FPs remaining
3.8 lbs lost
Current weight: 225.4