It's Delle!

Someone on the WW boards mentioned they read my blog (news to me, I didn't think anybody stopped by here aside from my best friend!), so I thought I should put a little blurb about me. I made this journal so I can keep track of the things I'm doing and how I'm thinking and feeling as I journey along the road to getting thinner. It's not intended to be written to an audience, it is honestly something I am writing to myself, and I find it so helpful to be able to look back even 4 months ago and see what kinds of things I was many of our experiences in life slip through the cracks, and I want to remember as many of them as I can in relation to my weight loss; the good, the bad, and even the oh so ugly ones!

So many people say they've struggled with their weight for years, but this is not tue for me. I've been overweight from my earliest memories, and morbidly obese all of my adult life, but I was not the type to yo-yo diet, so in that sense I was not struggling. I don't know what my highest weight was because I didn't have a scale to weigh myself when I started getting set to lose weight. In the year before I started WW I started trying to eat less junk food and to get a little activity into my routine. When I started WW I was 288 lbs and wearing a size 22, and I know the year before I was wearing a size 26 (which was tight on me), so I'm guessing I was easily in the low 300 lb-range at my highest weight.

For the first year of my weight loss journey I was incredibly focussed and motivated. I was keeping my weight loss a secret from my family back home in Newfoundland, and my goal was to surprise them on my trip home in July. Needless to say it was quite a shock to a lot of people when I showed up over 100 lbs lighter without any warning!

Right now I am getting back on track after my trip back home. I wasn't following WW for a while due to comp issues, not to mention life issues, and I've gained back some of the weight I had lost. I got away from journalling, but I'm back at it again and am using it to help me get my focus back. I also like using it to keep track of my activity, although I've not had an organised execise regime for a few months now due to an injury. I'm getting back into my activity, however, and I will be updating all my numbers soon.

As I said, I don't write in this blog with an audience in mind, but if anyone had any questions or comments on anything here, please don't hesitate to post!

BTW, the name of my blog came from a comment my supervisor at work made one day when I was in the middle of a full-blown rant about something I had to do that was infuriating me. He interrupted me and said something to the tune of, "Don't worry about it you don't have to do it. And my goodness look at you! Where are you going, everytime I see you, you're smaller! It's crazy, you're the incredible shrinking woman!!" The moment was funny and unexpected and seemed to sum up my life right now, so I came home and re-titled my blog.

Now all I need is a cape...

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Those damn babies!

3 days till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Nothing is ever easy.

I'd counted on having a nice Sunday, and it was, up until the beginning of the evening (which coincidentally my fav part of Sunday) when D called and told me the other regular full-timer called in for tomorrow, and was I available to work? I ranted and raved and cussed quite a bit, then got over it (helped along by a stiff drink). I'd counted on tomorrow to get ready for the trip, because I will be working all day Tuesday and so that day will be a complete lost cause. So I cleaned up the kitchen and did all my laundry (waiting on the dryer) and made a meal to take with me tomorrow. It's all so annoying because the laundry room is always busy Sunday evenings and I usually avoid it, and I don't have much freggies right now and had been planning on being able to shop tomorrow for what I might need between now and Wednesday, on top of wanting to be able to relax and do nice things this evening (catch up on things and watch a movie) and had to spend it rushing about on chores instead. Those damn babies at work are making me CRAZY!!!!

I got a walk in today (not a river walk but one almost just as long) and I feel better overall. I can sit without supporting myself, and I felt energetic when I woke up, which is an awesome sign. I was planning to work out tomorrow but that is out now since I'll be working all day. I'm disappointed, but it's not as bad as it would have been otherwise with my body the way it is. I tried on my Goal Shirt again this evening and contemplated it, but I don't think it is wearable just yet. It was another disappointment, but I will accept it by the time I go, I hope.

Okay time to eat and get to bed. What a mess today ended up being, eating and going to bed this late and having to work all day tomorrow!

Earned 4 APs today: 70 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 49 APs
12.7 hours (760 min) total activity
30.2 miles (48.6 kms) walked
19.5 FPs remaining
3.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 184

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Bumps in the road

4 days till Home!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I've been sitting here for 10 min in too much of a daze to collect my thoughts enough to write. Today was a good day, but physically it started off fair and went downhill steadily throughout. I suppose I finally pushed too far with yesterday's efforts (I'd stepped up the intensity a bit again) and most of my body is aching today, especially my poor legs and backside. It got worse and worse as the day went on, till now I am limping about and having to hold onto something to lower myself into a sitting position without just collapsing downward. I did my river walk with D, and while the company was welcome, the walk was extremely taxing for me, and I was hurting badly by the time I got home, my legs and my upper back were misery, to the point that I had trouble walking perfectly straight on account of my leg muscles not being able to move properly. I was also hungry today, and this evening I found myself pondering just eating food I wanted in huge quantites, something I rarely ponder. All bad signs, and I am not so foolish as to ignore them. I had planned a workout tomorrow but that is definitely no longer in my plan. I would like to do a river walk still, but if I do I will take it slower and not walk so briskly. I had a big supper and I feel soothed and satisfied, and now I will take myself to bed for some much needed sleep.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Friday, June 27, 2008

Chinese clotheslines

5 days till Home!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was going to go on to bed without posting, because it is later than I wanted to be up and I have to work in the morning. I always let the time get away from me nights before I have to work, I wish I wouldn't do that. I got loads of activity in, and debated not going for a river walk because I knew it would put me behind schedule because I'd lagged all day, but I went and am glad I did. The deciding factor was mostly knowing that the extra activity would help me get to sleep tonight. And now I am fed and watered and looking forward to bed, despite how warm and humid it is tonight. I only hope I sleep better than last night; had a lot of nightmares I really could have done without. The worst thing is that I had the same one twice, I hate it when that happens. I guess I'm starting to feel some strain, it's to be expected I suppose; the weight loss is going well but other things aren't. Speaking of which, I had a great WI today and am very pleased. I wasn't expecting it, but looking at my total lost in the weight tracker and seeing three digits truly makes it seem like a much larger amount than only two, even if it was a digit like 99. Funny how the mind works.

Earned 14 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 100 min brisk walking

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Lost buttons and syrup that stays slippery

6 days till Home!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I can't believe how close it's getting! Less than a week, that's just insane! I've shifted back to a state of disbelief over it all, it doesn't seem real. I imagine in a couple days it will seem more real when I start getting ready to go.

I didn't get a chance to post yesterday because I was basically gone the whole day. I took F to the hospital in the morning and stayed with her while she had her thingy done. I brought my knitting and a picnic lunch of water and fruit and veggies for while I was waiting for her. I never mentioned any of it before they took her in tho, because she was thirsty and starving from having to fast. I went out in the morning and bought a mix for carrot muffins because those are her favorite and I made them to bring with so she'd be able to eat something on the way home. She seemed to really like them, and had a few with the rest of my water. She was out of it afterward because of the sedation and was walking slowly and slantily and I kept watching her in case she fell over but she managed fine. It took longer than it was supposed to take, so by the time we got to her house her mother was already there from work. I'd made a date of sorts for afterward if our schedules worked out and he ended up picking me up at her house and we went to a park by the river and talked and talked. Things went so well that we ended up going out for supper at the pub, which I had not been expecting, but we were having a really great time and didn't want to stop talking. I've not been to that pub in a very long time, and when I came in my favorite server was walking out of the kitchen carrying plates, and when she saw me she set them down on the bar so she could hug me and tell me how fabulous I looked. It was a real treat getting to see her because she's been so supportive along the way. She's one of the few people who knows I've been following WW, it's easy to talk to her about it because she follows it too. I had the cajun chicken sandwich (without the mayo or the bun) and a salad instead of fries (without the bacon, cheese and dressing on the side) and afterward my date asked if he could make an observation, and said "I think you must have lost a lot of weight" and when I asked why he thought that he said because of how the server had reacted when she saw me, and because of the way I ordered. It was wing night and he is a wing fanatic, but thankfully he's not one of those people (there are so many of them!) who takes it personally if you refuse to eat wings on wing night, and we drank a ton of light beer and talked endlessly and had a really late night and posting was the last thing on my mind when I went to bed. Unfortuately the fact that I still had to have a cup of milk to get in my second dairy requirement was also the last thing on my mind, so yesterday wasn't an OP day for me technically, which is disappointing. The few times I've missed a requirement like that (usually the dairy) it's almost always because I went out for supper and had a few drinks and don't think of it when I come home. What I'm glad about is that since I'd had a light calorie dinner and had some activity and ordered so intelligently at supper, the beer didn't put my into FPs, definitely something to be proud of!

Today I took it easy tho because I was tired after my late night. I even had a nap this afternoon! I wanted to get a river walk in but the weather has been crazy the last couple weeks, and it is constantly thunder storming in the early evenings. I looked at the forcast and saw a warning for severe thunderstorms so I got on the eliptical instead, and I am soo happy I did because not long after it got so black outside I had to turn on my lamp at 5:30pm so I could see what I was doing, and had to close my balcony so my blinds wouldn't take another opportunity to vacate the premesis. I was hungry today too; part of it might be because of the beer yesterday, but I'm noticing that there is a week in my cycle where I get hungry and tired, so this might be par course. I ate more food (within my points) so I wasn't hungry, and still managed to avoid FPs. I wanted to do a workout but felt too tired, and since I'm not working tomorrow I can do it Friday without throwing things off. WI is tomorrow and it looks to be a good one. I hope all my work is paying off, despite only getting 20 min activity in yesterday!

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Greed, your master passion

1 week, 1 day till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

One of those days maybe I'll learn.

It was a good day in spite of my silliness. I got lots of good activity in, even tho I took longer to do it than I would have liked. I started relatively early tho so at least that's something. I just kept getting distracted by thoughts and shiney things. Tomorrow is my off day, and I'll be spending time with F for a good part of the day because she needs someone to take care of her while she has a procedure done at the hospital. The poor thing is pretty stressed and harrassed lately, I feel bad for her. She's fasting tonight and when we talked I kept unthinkingly talking about food. I'm just so used to talking about food with her, it's one of her favorite things. I just wish it didn't often cause her so much misery. The things you love will hurt you every time.

I can't believe she'll be moving. She gave me a bunch of leftovers after her party on Saturday night, and I'm still eating them every meal; I threatened to fill my pockets up with the mushrooms when I was leaving and she took it to heart, sent me off with loads of meat and veggies. I had a blast at the party, got drunk, ate a good deal of meat, but was totally in control of my food choices, well up till the point where I had the burger, I had not necessarily intended that. When I'd heard they were on their way from the grill tho I decided I would have one, and by that time I was so caught up in everything that I never thought when I put it on a bun. I should have had it on its own, but I didn't think about the points of the bun, just the burger. No matter, I ate what I ate and drank what I drank, and tracked it all the next day. Since I worked all day and wasn't able to get any real activity in (I walked to Timmys in the morning to get coffee for D and DP so I could say I got 15 min in) I dipped heavily into the FP, but not a catestrophy. I would have preferred not to have used FP last week, but it was a party, and I had a wonderful time. I don't let myself think about how the house is sold and they'll be leaving, it's just too damn depressing. Better to think of going home in a week and my best friends coming with me. It's too surreal to be real.

Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking

Monday, June 23, 2008

Worth everything I may ever be

1 week, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I can hear the fireworks, they're going on now over downtown. When I went for my river walk this evening the riverfront was crowded with people who were settling to wait. If I hadn't been so desperately tired and hungry I might have wished to stay and watch as well. But as it is, it was a long day, and I was asked to stay later, so it was almost 6:30 before I got home. All I wanted to do was eat and rest, but I made myself go for my walk and I'm glad I did. I saw my friends from the pub when I was walking by it, and stopped to chat for a few minutes, and they told me I look great. All I felt was sweaty and tired, but it's nice to hear it. I'm trying so hard to do what I can before I go, but I know it probably is all for naught. But at least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I tried. My diet the past two days has been very disciplined; yes I've had some healthy muffins, but most of my meals have just consisted of lean meat and vegetables. I figure if anything will do it, that will.

I know I said I would write properly tonight, but I'm almost too weary to think straight, I need to rest. I missed my chance to chat with M tonight and that sucks :(

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Within, the dark holds hard

1 week, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It was a tired kind of day in lieu of all the partying I did last night. I had an awesome time, but got drunk and was up rather late, so it threw my day off. I didn't get my workout in till late in the afternoon, but I did get it in at least, despite feeling tired and out of sorts. I also went for a late river walk, since the rain that had been forcast never showed up, and I wanted muffins for dessert but didn't want to spend my remaining FPs on them. I was craving them all day so I made them before I exercised and had a couple with dinner. F gave me a bunch of leftover food from the party and as good as it is to have meat, I still wanted the cinnamon. Anyhoo, I'll have to say more tomorrow, I want to get my summary done and send off an imp email then get to bed, it's already late.

Weekly summary:
Earned 62 APs
17.2 hours (1030 min) total activity
44.8 miles (72.1 kms) walked
13.5 FPs remaining
2.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 187.2

Saturday, June 21, 2008


1 week, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

No proper post for today, worked then went to F's for a party. Over and out.

Earned 1 AP today: 15 min brisk walking

Friday, June 20, 2008

100 lb Milestone

1 week, 5 days till Home!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Well it is finally official; I can now say I have lost 100 lbs.

The funny thing is that I unofficially hit that number during my Celebration Weekend over a month ago, but officially the number has since eluded me. I knew it would come around again eventually, so I wasn't much worried, but goodness, I would have liked it to show a little more urgency than it turned out

Nonetheless, my weight loss has shown a steady downward progress throughout, so I knew I would get there sooner or later. Here, see for yourself:

Notice the pretty little milestone stars underneath the last chart, I've built up quite the collection. Blue is my favorite colour so I'm thrilled that the 100 lb star is blue. I'm silly like that. Only one more to add - the gold Goal star. The first couple of months are interesting on the chart, that was back before I had my own scale, and had very unreliable ways of weighing myself. Once I got my own scale and was weighing every week, things became very consistent. And once I got more honest about my weighing practices, you can see the reliable dips and peaks from month to month associated with my menstrual cycle, which I find endearing somehow. I love reliability and predictability, it's satisfying for me.

Today's weight tracking has occured in a different environment than usual. It's a beautiful day and I woke up feeling full of pep and vinegar (old-fashioned it may be, but ever so much better than being full of piss and wind!) and I retired out onto the balcony after breakfast to do my computer work out here where I can look down on the Hood and enjoy the sun (albeit from the shade, I wouldn't sit out here if I was in direct I knew from day one that I would eventually have that 100 lb star, and I've been expecting it for weeks now, and yet when I brought up the weight tracker to officially track it, I got unexpected tears in my eyes. At first I felt a little foolish, but I was inside refilling my water bottle and a sudden thought came to me and I was laughing out loud and in tears again. Of course it's not foolish! Maybe I've been doing this whole weight loss thing for 11 months now, but there's nothing wrong with making this a momentus occasion, because while I may have been tracking losses for a long time now, I have never tracked a 100 lb loss before now.

And what really made me laugh and allow myself to fully recognise this as a noteworthy milestone was the realisation that this is truly a one-time experience, because I will never lose 100 lbs again. And that is why I was laughing for joy, because I know this is the only time I will ever be able to celebrate this accomplishment. I will never be in a position where I will have 100 lbs to lose ever again. I know this without a doubt because I am in control of my life and my choices, and I choose to never gain the weight back. No matter what life throws at me, even if I suffer hardships and illness and injury and am unable to live life the way I do now, I will alter my lifestyle and my choices whatever way I have to in order to stay at a healthy weight and not gain it back, regardless of the effort that will take. I made that committment when I started this journey, and I reinforce that committment to myself here and now. And the reason I am so certain that this is it and I will never go back to where I was is that after all this time and work I am only more dedicated to my new lifestyle than I had been when I started. I know I can keep meeting my goals because meeting them is all about the choices I make, and my choices are mine to control. As long as I want this, I will never fail...and I will always want this.

It's pretty surreal to be sitting here on this oh so fine warm summer's day and to be looking back over the last 100 lbs. In some ways the time went so quickly, and in other ways the changes feel so gradual. I've been thinking about the noteworthy differences and changes I've had along the way, and what better time and place to go ahead and note them!
  • As is inevitable after losing 100 lbs, my body is now lighter and more bendy/flexible than it ever was before! I feel so much more efficient in my movement; getting from point A to point B doesn't require the effort that it did. I feel faster and I've still not gotten used to the sensation that I am in fast forward sometimes. I can cut corners and turn and start and stop so much more easily and quickly than I could before. And I love love love how I can crouch without effort, and stay that way for a long time. I can also stand from a squat with ease, as well as kneel without problem. These are big ones for me, I've always wanted to be able to do that. I also feel so light and airy now when I get up from the floor (which I do a lot when I'm exercising). I never knew how truly effortful it used to be for me to get off the floor most of my life until now. I realise now I used to avoid sitting on the floor because of how hard it was to get up, which was an issue at work because I had to get down there a lot. These days it's literally a pleasure to get off the floor because I feel so light when I do.
  • BONES!!! I have them!! And I NEVER get sick of them!! It started off with being able to feel my collar bones, and to feel the curve of my rib cage. Along the way I've had the joy to meet shoulder bones, shoulder blades, knee bones, my breast bone, knuckles, individual ribs, that little roundy bone in my wrist (a huge pleasure to meet that particular bone, been a goal since I was a young girl!), my spine, and probably my most favorite, my hip bones! I remember meeting every one, and every experience was thrilling...and usually terrifying at first because I had no idea what it was and would panic till I realised what strange thing it was that I had encountered. Once a new bone is discovered I entertain myself endlessly with feeling it and looking at it. Seriously, I can't keep my hands off my ribs or my hip bones especially.
  • I've adopted a very healthy diet over the last 100 lbs; when I started off I was eating within my points religiously, but I was rather clueless about food and options of what to eat. I remember I would have hot dogs for supper constantly because it allowed me to have a big supper meal but I never knew what else I could be eating otherwise. I was still eating junk food and high calorie/processed foods, just cutting the portion sizes to stay within my points. These days my diet still tends to have little variation, but it is made up almost entirelly of nonprocessed foods. Every meal has lots of veggies, and I actually plan my meals with such things in mind as the amount of protein I'm getting, and the types of vegetables (eg., green vs orange). I don't buy meals, I buy ingredients and make meals from them. This still blows my mind and constantly feels like an accomplishment to be proud of
  • I now spend a lot of time researching health topics and learning in order to keep making changes in what I eat/do so I can meet my goal of living as healthy as I can. I actually spend hours each week reading up on things that look useful, and searching out info . When I'm in my routine I spend 30-60 min a day doing my research and planning how I can use the info in my diet/exercise plan. Sometimes I am just browsing health sites/blogs, and other times I am specifically going after certain information. When I started I wasn't too concerned about anything other than following WW and staying in my points, but as I progressed I really came to see the need to educate myself so I can make healthy choices; WW is a method, but I find they fall short on giving information specific enough to suit me. I started there and branched out to find out more, because I find it too general for my own needs. I wouldn't have known where to start without WW tho, and it gives a great groundwork to build on.
  • I've learned to be much more comfortable doing things like eating in public, and shopping with others. I used to have a great deal of anxiety if I had to eat around other people, and I've learned this is very common among females with weight problems. I used to wait till I was alone before I would eat, and would hide food so I could eat it just so I wouldn't have to deal with someone else watching me. I never used to take lunch breaks at work because I couldn't bear eating where people could see me. Now I would raise the roof off the place in protest if I wasn't able to take my lunch break, and eating around other people doesn't make me nervous the way it used to. I don't feel other people are watching my every bite and judging me for it. I've relaxed into realising that most people couldn't be bothered with monitoring what others are eating, and it helps that the people who do notice what I eat tend to compliment my choices and praise me for it. I still get nervous sometimes about the amount of food I eat and worry that people will criticise, but mostly I have gained confidence in my lifestyle and in knowing that everything is balanced, and I still have a very healthy diet. I'm getting to a point where I don't care whether someone looks at what I'm eating and thinks "wow that is a lot of food", which is a huge victory for me.
  • Exercise has become an essential part of my life, and what's more, I enjoy it! 100 lbs ago I was incredibly inactive, hell, for most of my adult life I was incredibly sedentary and inactive. I started off relatively slowly, but I've come to a point where as hard as it is to believe, I think I honestly have to categorise myself as being Very Active. Sometimes that still feels like a lie, but having looked at exercise charts of normal activity, I really do seem to fit in the exalted Very Active category. And what's more noteworthy is that my focus has shifted over the last 11 months whereby I have been making exercise goals instead of weight loss ones. I started off wanting the healthy lifestyle because it would bring about the weight loss, but that changed as I came to want the healthy lifestyle over and above the weight loss. Yes, I want to be thin, but my goal is to maintain a lifestyle of regular exercise and healthy eating. The being thin part will just come hand in hand. A small distinction perhaps, some would say, but to me this is such a critical change in me that it is monumental in its own way. It is about taking my pleasure and satisfaction from the way I am living, and not what my body looks like, which is awesome because no matter that I've lost 100 lbs, my body still has tonns of issues which are not going away anytime soon. And incidently, I've also shifted from wanting to be thin, to wanting to be curvy and muscular. As much as I love my bones, I never want them sticking out! I'm not aiming for a number, I'm aiming to be a particular shape, and as my interest in weight training keeps growing, I am less interested in losing weight and more keen on gaining muscle and strength.
  • In general I am just much more relaxed about people looking at me and touching me. I always felt so akward around people, but I feel like I stick out less now, and it allows for a lot less anxiety when I'm out and around people. I'm finally getting to a place where I am liking how I look, instead of just looking at myself and liking that I'm getting smaller, but still hating how I look. Yes I still have rolls and I hate them, but the overall package isn't so bad and I'm liking the reflection in the mirror more and more.
  • Odds and ends: I fit into bus seats now without overflowing onto the next person; people can actually sit next to me now without me noticing until I turn my head and see them. I fit into normal size clothing now when I used to be a size 26. I can walk up 7 flights of stairs with little effort when before I would still be breathing fast and my heart would be pounding 15 min later. I can be on my feet at work all day, day after day, without my feet being in agony, or even sore at the end of the day. I'm able to eat breakfast now; for years eating after I woke up made me incredibly nauseated. I've adopted such a healthy diet that I am rarely hungry between meals since I am eating food to fuel my body instead of eating empty crap. Conversely, even if I don't get really hungry, I have an appetite now for my meals because I eat 3 meals instead of once a day and have improved my metabolism. For the first time in a decade I am able to consistently lie down at night and go to sleep, and sleep all night till morning without troubles. My digestive problems have all but disappeared. My thighs don't rub together like they did when I walk. I don't sweat near as much, even in the sun. And I get cold...a lot And maybe one of the best changes of all...I don't have to be drunk to dance in public anymore.

100 lbs down, not that many left to go. Onward and downward! It's the Incredible Shrinking Woman! *flies away*

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Stranger things could never change my mind

1 week, 6 days till Home!!!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

My day was thrown off by plans that got changed in the afternoon, so I actually didn't have a dinner meal today. Definitely not preferable and I'm not pleased about it, but I could have had a late dinner but it would have meant a late supper, and I just chose to skip it and have supper at a proper supper time instead. I've been eating supper late at night again, and I really would like to get out of that habit. And I can't even blame it on work, it's just been because I've been letting myself get off schedule in the daytimes.

But either way, I'm fed and watered at a decent time for once, and I even had a big dessert of aple muffins which I made again, and my toes are all but curling at how delicious I find them. They truly satisfy my sweet tooth and they have a good heft to them, I expect I'll be making a lot of muffins from now on. I love how I can eat food I find so delicious and still lose weight!

Speaking of which, the scale is starting to move down again, thankfully. I've been at a standstill of sorts for over a month and it was starting to get annoying. I've been working hard, it's nice when the number reflects where my body is actually at. But even if it doesn't, I'm MUCH more concerned with being happier with my body than what the number is. I don't care if the number stands stock still for the next few weeks, as long as I notice a difference in my body size/shape. I tried on my goal shirt again today to try and gauge whether or not I could wear it in 2 weeks, and I honestly have no idea. I would almost think I could, if I worked hard and managed to lose more fat between now and then, but at the same time I'm clueless when it comes to clothes, and it might not look good on me. The thing is, I see girls all the time wearing body-hugging shirts while having rolls or big tummys. Now the argument could be made that they shouldn't be wearing them because it is not flattering, but all I see is that it is common that bigger girls wear tight clothes. I've worn shirts that hug my body since I've gotten thinner, and I guess the thing for me is that even tho I still got rolls, I'm smaller than I was, and I don't think I look so bad when I wear tighter shirts. Yes it would be preferable to have a flat stomach, but my stomach is a lot better than it was, and that is probably why I don't feel I look so terrible. But still, I don't want to be wearing clothes that no one would want to see me in. I wish I was able to figure these things out, but I guess I'll just have to try on the shirt for someone else and get their opinion. I would really love to wear the shirt, but not if people will think I look awful in it. Yes, it is what i think that matters, but in this case I'm not sure what I think, unlike the shirts I already wear.

Of course it might just all be a moot point anyway; I took progress pics yesterday and for the life of me I couldn't see a difference in my body from now and last March, so it might be too much to expect that I will make any progress on my body in hte next two weeks. I'm determined to try tho, I've done a tonn of exercise this week already, I did my workout today and a walk, and I'll do another walk tomorrow and hopefully some other form of activity too. I even made my workout a little harder today, increasing the intensity of one exercise and doing more of another. I'm feeling tired tonight but in a good way, and my body feels good. My quads were a little sore today and so were my biceps for some reason when I was lifting, but even after the jogging yesterday I felt no different today otherwise. I have to make sure I'm getting my food in over three meals a day tho and none of this skipping meals business. I need to be especially disciplined the next 2 weeks, it won't be long now! And I'm really becoming aware of how happy I'll be to have the suspense over with; I had an anxiety dream last night where I went home and no one noticed a difference. I was so upset that when I woke up I almost started crying. I've been dreaming of this for so long, I'm getting paranoid that I've built something up out of nothing. Well, 1 week, 6 days of hard work and then I will know, for better or for worse.

Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Just to have somebody by my side

2 weeks till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It really feels like crunch time now, with only 2 weeks left. I'm going to try and step things up a notch or two, and really give it my all now that I'm on the Home stretch. I'm going to go back and take a look at what I was doing the last few weeks before Nightwish, because whatever I was doing made a lot of difference in that time. Maybe I can make a difference in the next 2 weeks.

I did a lot of walking today and my legs are pleasantly tired tonight. I walked over past the grocery to check out a produce market and a butchers that some people at work had recommended. Funny how it was right there just 5 min walk from the grocery and I never noticed they were there because I never had reason to walk down that far. I was expecting better produce/lower prices from the way they were raving about the place, but the stuff I got was good enough, and while some things were more expensive, the things I got today were definitely cheaper. Looks like I have another place that will be one of my regular shopping places. How wonderful it would be to be able to do all my shopping in one place...preferably one really close to me. Instead I split my purchases over 4 places now, no wonder I never have time to think lately, what with work and the long commute and planning my meals and activity, exercising, and walking everywhere to do my shopping bits at a time. But this is my new lifestyle, and no one can say I've not embraced it. I had the rest of the muffins I made last night, and they tasted sinfully delicious to me even the day after. Pizza for supper and muffins for dessert, and to think I didn't eat all my APs today and haven't touched my FP.

Even with the walk to the grocery and the walk back carrying the bags I still went for a river walk. D accompanied me again, which was a lot of fun. Yesterday I was a little later setting out than I told him, and I was worried he would be waiting on me so I actually jogged most of the way up his street, something I have never done before. Today I wasn't running late, but I just wanted to do it again because it felt so awesome to actually jog like that, and I ended up running all the way up his street, and after we got back I ran all the way back down. I wasn't winded or killed from it either, I was breathing deep and steady and I felt like I could have easily kept going both times. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow after doing that, since I've never run before, but if I can I plan to keep doing the run on his street as a means of adding some higher intensity into the walk. I had wanted to actually start running, but until I get new trainers, I'm going to avoid doing it seriously lest I do damage to myself in these worn out shoes I have now. I'm pretty frickin impressed with myself, tho. I'm going to rock it these next two weeks!

Earned 10 APs today: 170 min brisk walking

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

It makes me feel like rain

2 weeks, 1 day till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Today was so surreal, it started off okay but went downhill without necessarily being bad, just being strange. I let myself get distracted late morning, and it messed up a goodly portion of my day unfortunately. I wanted to get my workout in early, but instead I got most of it in later in the afternoon. Part of me is just happy I did it at all, as I really wasn't in the mood to do anything. I realised I could do it tomorrow, but decided to go ahead and do it today; I need to exercise when I have the opportunity, because when I put it off there's always a risk I'll end up working or whatnot, and not be able to get it in. I interrupted the workout 2/3 way through to go for a river walk, accompanied half way by D, which was lovely. He was afraid it was going to rain on him and his new trainers, but I assured him we'd be fine. With the cloud cover the trail was all but deserted so it was a nice mostly solitary walk. We chattered like magpies the whole time, as we are wont to do whenever we're together, and it did a lot to improve my mood, which was still very much off when I left for the walk. I felt so out of it, everything felt and looked abnormal to me. I feel a lot like that again now, but I think it's just because I'm so tired tho. There's been a lot going on for me lately.

I had extra points today because I didn't have a proper dinner, so I picked up some vanilla extract on the way home from my walk and I made muffins before I made supper. I altered the recipe I used last week for the banana muffins, and made this one with fresh apple and with cinnamon. I was a little nervous that it would be a disaster, but for the most part I figured it would work out, and I was definitely right. I'm not sure if they're moist or if they're maybe a little soggy, and the bottoms were a little too well done on the outside (I think I need to spray the pans more), but I enjoyed the ones I had for dessert very much. I'm so unaccustomed to "sweets" or baking these days that the muffins might not be great but I would be hard pressed to actually tell the difference. Ultimately this doesn't matter since I'll usually be the one eating them and if I'm satisfied that's all that matters, but I would like to be able to make them well, so that I can share them with others. It has bothered me my whole life that I've been dreadful at baking.
I had a NSV when I chose to eat less muffins than I could have since I had so many points left, but I was full so I stopped, even tho I could have had more. This was definitely a victory for me because my biggest issue has always been eating to extreme fullness as long as there is food left, and not being satisfied without being uncomfortably full.

Despite feeling surreal and a little disconsolate today, I did manage to feel a little more positive about my body today than I had been the past while. I still feel fat, but the rolls didn't bother me as much today. I was looking at my reflection this evening after I exercised, and suddenly I was just smiling, because I realised (not for the first time of late) that I'm now able to see my mother and my brother in my features, where I never had been able to do so before. I've always recalled the features of my father's family, but now I can see my mother's family in my face, and I take much happiness in that. My one brother has always been the one to favour our mother, but I have never felt we look alike, aside from me getting her nose, and her hips. It's been a gift to learn that I look like her after all. I wonder if others will think the same and/or comment on such things when I go home? Part of me wants another few months so I can try to get my body more to my liking before I see them all, and another part of me is weary of waiting and wondering and forever keeping secrets.

Earned 14 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 100 min brisk walking

Monday, June 16, 2008

I'm empty and aching and I don't know why

2 weeks, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was dreaming about a certain someone this morning and woke up with that Simon & Garfunkel song in my head, and it's been there all day long. I've been down but I made it through the day just fine, work was uneventful and I did some shopping after and just got my bus but thankfully made it. I went for a river walk when I got home (D couldn't come with me because of plans that went awry, but we plan to go tomorrow instead). I came home and had supper right away even tho I usually veg for a bit so that I could be online to talk to M. I've been neglecting her horribly and there was no way I was going to lollygag tonight and miss chatting with her. I also managed to catch up quite a bit on my journal, and got recent summaries done, so I'm happy for that. I just wish my mood was better. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but every time I look at myself all I can think is how fat I look. Honestly, there were times today looking at my fat tummy that I couldn't percieve any difference in how it looks now and how it used to look, that's how big it seems to me. If I didn't know better I'd swear I must have put on 20 lbs since last week (or maybe 40), because last week I thought I looked decent but suddenly this week I seem so fat. It's mental the effect our mood can have on our perceptions without us even being aware of it. I've caught myself lately not meeting people's eyes in public (girls mostly) because I felt embarrassed about being fat. Talk about regressing into old behaviours!

Okay I have too much happening at once, I'll write more tomorrow.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Sunday, June 15, 2008


2 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

In some ways it was a typical Sunday, and in others it was anything but. I did get my workout in and I did let myself get distracted both before and during by anything shiney; that is part of Sunday, I tend to let myself be whimsical if the notion takes me. I was getting myself pumped up to exercise and ended up spending entirally too much time dancing and singing, but going off schedule is just part of the day. Only I had made plans so they got pushed ahead (a main reason I don't tend to make plans on Sundays, I'm too undisciplined on Sundays and prefer not having to stick to a rigid plan). The plans went way longer than I had expected (which also fit with the normal Sunday theme) and I had to rush to get my dinner made for tomorrow and my supper made for tonight. I missed Mum's call (on Father's Day too...never got to talk to Dad), and F called in the middle of supper preparations to remind me that I was supposed to call her after I talked to Mum. That call went on too long because we ended up talking about our trip and gift ideas. I still need to talk to M, I don't even know if Mum knows they're both coming home with me. Things are so hectic lately!

Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min walking

Weekly summary:

Earned 43 APs
12.1 hours (725 min) total activity
23 miles (37 kms) walked
20 FPs remaining
.8 lbs gained
Current weight: 189.4

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I couldn't stop saying ass

2 weeks, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was a bad girl this morning and slept in well past when I would have liked to get up, and then past when I SHOULD have gotten up. Thankfully I had the muffins I made because I didn't have time for breakfast (I'm out of eggs anyway), and just had enough time for a quick shower then out the door. I'm also thankful I was able to grab some vegetarian chili from the freezer that I'd put up from the huge crock pot full I'd made a couple of weeks ago to take with me to work. I ate my muffins on the bus and they were delicious and filling. And my dinner was really good as well, I was afraid the chili would be watery when I defrosted it and heated it, but it turned out well, so I got away with my lie in this morning after all.

It was a good day at work, frustrating at times because there's always so much work to do and I work so hard while most others don't have to. I worked with D tho and we always manage to keep each other's spirits up when we start getting down/frustrated. I managed to lose my pocket monster in the warehouse when I went to get security cases and didn't notice him missing till near the end of my shift when I saw B in the dept, but he had come to return him to me after finding him on the warehouse floor, and I was very chagrined with myself and grateful to him. I would have noticed him gone much sooner if I had not been working with D; I would have been trying to pat him for comfort.

There were messages on my machine this morning from F telling me that she's booked her tickets, so now she and M will both be coming home with me next month. We're trying to persuade D, and he wants to come but doesn't think he can manage it, but at least it's still a small possibility. F called the store to talk to me about it and we had a nice little chat about it, I hope mum calls tomorrow so we can start planning. I need to email M tomorrow, I'm so behind on email but I've not had a spare minute lately. D stayed late today and gave me a ride home, and we were talking for a while about things, and he was commenting again that he really wants to start taking care of his health again, and I started trying to get him to committ to something specific, and we ended up deciding that he would come with me for part of my river walk. I came in and changed and did some calculating, then walked to the point on the river that is by his street, then walked up his street and met up with him at his place. We drove back to the river and parked at the place I figured would let him walk with me for 30 min, which is what we felt would be a good time for him to start off at. He brought his son's dog and we had a lovely time. We've committed to going again on Monday; I'm hoping to get a river walk in tomorrow, but D doesn't need to walk every day, especially since he's just getting back into exercise. I love how he admires what I'm doing and respects my views/advice on health and exercise. I also loved having company for part of my walk, and I really hope this becomes a regular thing for us. Spending time with D does for my soul what the walking does for my body.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Friday, June 13, 2008

Let the rain come down

2 weeks, 5 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I am pretty exhausted tonight, today was every bit as tiring as I had anticipated, but it was still a good day for all of that. I attmepted baking muffins last night, but forgot to put the yogurt in, and and neglected to buy the extract, but they turned out well anyway. I'd planned to make a bunch and to bring a lot of them to work with me today, but I was pressed for time and decided to get up early and make a fresh batch to bring in with me. I was up at 5am and busy in the kitchen, and they turned out quite well. When D picked me up I handed the container over and he commented that they were still hot. I also made a lasagna last night for he and I to have for dinner, so my efforts in the kitchen were put out there for people to try, something I'm not used to. I hunted DP down and made him try a muffin because he never eats properly, and he ate it and took another for later, which made me very happy. I asked them if they would eat more if I brought them and they said yes, so I might make more in the morning depending on how late I sleep. It's very satisfying to make food that people enjoy.

It was really cold at work today, and when F got in she kept exclaiming over how cold she was, and finally insisted on me feeling her nose to see just how cold it was, only when I touched it she screeched and shoved me away because my fingers were so much colder than her nose. She had a fit because I kept trying to touch her then to determine whether she truly was warmer than I am, and she kept telling me to get my cold hands off her. It was hilarious and very telling of how much I've changed, because I've always been the one who was forever too warm. M couldn't get over it either, when she visited, usually she's the one putting cold feel on me, not the other way around. F had gone to her car to get a couple sweaters, but she ended up taking off one and insisting that I wear it. I shrugged her off saying that I could never fit into any of her clothes, but she threatened me with extreme violence so I tried it on, and not only did it fit but I could even zipper it up! I was so thrilled, I couldn't believe I was actually wearing something of hers. I found D and DP and showed them, I was so proud. Heck, I would have showed customers if I wouldn't have looked like a looney. It was a relief to leave work and be out where it was warm, even tho it was overcast and gloomy and humid. It had been raining earlier and threatened to do more, but I still changed as soon as I got home and went for a river walk. I knew I'd get wet and didn't care, and it rained for most of it, and I got quite wet. It felt really good tho, calming and refreshing, and I felt ess sore and even less tired by the time I got home. But right now I'm fed and watered and showered (the only way to really get dry afer being out in the rain is to take a shower) and I'm going into a daze I'm so tired. Mmmmm.....bed!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Live at both ends but a little dead in the middle

2 weeks, 6 days till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another night where I only have a minute to post. I'd planned to get caught up on things here today, but I ended up having company tonight and some of my goals went out the window. I did however get my workout in, the floors, a short walk, some baking, and cooking for tomorrow. I had planned an actual river walk, plus to get my journal sorted and some email, but I think I did pretty good, in light of things. I'm working early in the morning and I expect tomorrow will be a pretty tired day since I will be up so late, but sometimes it is worth it. Plus I will be working with D, and that is always a pleasure. I WI tomorrow and I'm not expecting to see a loss, which is disappointing, but whatever. Since I didn't get my river walk in today I want to do some time on the elliptical tomorrow, in addition to my planned river walk as it will be my off-day. I also want to get caught up on some bookkeeping. My life is so hectic lately, it's mental...I AM working part time, you'd think I'd have more time to get things done!!

Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics(2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min brisk walking

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Better than it has any right to be

3 weeks till Home!!!!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I'm late getting in tonight, and I only have a minute to write because I'm about to fall into bed, but today was such a good day that I don't want to go to sleep just because I want to make it last as long as I can. And just when I thought the goodness was over, I see an email from M telling me she's booked to come home with me this summer. Today really was an awesome day.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Bring me home or leave me be

3 weeks, 1 day till Home!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

This day was a mess of failed plans and time wasted making said plans that failed. I wanted to get a river walk in today, but it ended up an accomplishmet just to get my workout in and most of the housework done.

F's convocation is tomorrow and I got her camera out to take with me and I looked at the pics I took at the concert for the first time since, and I got pretty emotional over it. I avoided the pictures because I needed some space, I was just too emotional about everything for a week or two after the concert, but I felt ready to look, and I got all teary, but it put me in a good mood, which I was grateful for. If I'd looked in the week after I probably would have got depressed from it. I've been a bit of a wreck emotionally for a while now, but I think I'm starting to sort things out a bit. Of course, the news on the family front is introducing new stuff, but there's nothing to be done for it.

I should get my supper soon. I'm out of sorts tonight, I'm in a good mood and a bad one at the same time. I know for a fact I'm restless, almost tempted to do some more exercise and sweat it out if I can.

Earned 8 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics(2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Monday, June 9, 2008

If you start now

3 weeks, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It is destined that if I plan my day around one detail, the detail must change so that my whole day can then be royally pooched.

I planned today around getting home from work around 3:45. I had a short shift and wouldn't get a half hour break, only 15, and I decided to just bring carrots and an apple with me and that that would hold me over till I got home. I was going to eat the rest of my dinner then go for a river walk. I was too pressed for time yesterday evening to have made a meal to bring with me, and I would be so rushed this morning to make something that I decided to eat when I got home. So of course my coworker calls in and they can't get anyone to cover, and I'm by myself most of all morning and part of the afternoon. Since they didn't have anyone to cover there were hours available so I ended up working until 6pm. By 4:30 I was really starting to feel fatigued, and while part of it was from working a long shift and not having got enough sleep last night, I can see how much, if not all, of it was caused by not having a proper meal at midday. Carrots and an apple are simply not enough to carry me through till suppertime when I'm working. I've been tired on long shifts before, but not like today, I felt headachy and kept losing my energy as time went on and was having a hard time concentrating. It was a crappy shift from that perspective, but it was validating in a sense, because it reinforces for me the fact that the way I choose to eat really can affect my well-being and my ability to perform. I never really believed I could control how I felt physically before, and to learn that I really do contribute to how I feel from day to day is rather splendid, really.

Either way I didn't get the river walk in after I got home. I was tired and hungry, and settled for walking up the street to get milk and green peppers. It would have been nice to get the walk in, but it would have finished me to try to exert that muh energy not having eaten properly today. I did take a few minutes out to try on a couple of pairs of pants I'd been hoarding since late last fall, and they fit me now. One pair is actually a nice dressy pair of black pants, and I'm thinking I might wear them to F's convocation on Wednesday, if I can find a top in my closet to go with it. I'm still squeeing over the time I spent yesterday trying stuff on, and my discovery regarding my Goal Shirt. I'd not planned to be trying on clothes, but when I was sorting stuff for laundry yesterday I just took the notion and went ahead and did it. That's one of the things I love best about my Sundays; I'm not so strict about work before play, as long as the things that HAVE to get done are done, I let myself pick and choose over the things I could do but don't have to. I really hope I can wear my Goal Shirt when I go home next month, I can't believe how soon it will be that I will be going!! Mum told me last night when she called that Dad is not well, and I'm even more anxious than ever to go home and see my family. Again and again today I have thought about how very grateful I am that I chose to make this lifestyle change a year ago, because it means that I am where I am now, and that when I see my family I will have this wonderful surprise for them. I keep thinking about a fortune cookie saying that D got and had posted in the dept in the old store..."Think what you could accomplish if you start now", because it is soo true. Time slips by so quickly, the days rush past and then the months, and we could get so far if we just made the most of each day and didn't put our goals off. Weight loss takes time, and when I started I knew it would take a year at least to get to where I wanted, and because I made that choice to start, one year ago, I am now approaching my goal. We could be so far ahead if only we start when we realise what we want. I am so happy to be able to make this trip home having made this journey this past year.

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Dream on

3 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-activity: yes

I'd wanted to be in bed long before this, but it is Sunday, my day, and as usual an unpredictable day. I got two phone calls that helped to throw the day off, one from M down south, and one from Mum. It didn't help that I felt the need for a nap this afternoon, and a sudden storm blew up out of no where and took one of my blinds and I had to venture out after the rain to go looking for it, and then got to visiting with the neighbours. I didn't get a river walk in, but I did get my workout in. I really don't know ow I feel at the end of this day, but I know I felt good earlier; I spent some time singing and dancing this afternoon, trying on clothes in my closest, and I realised that my Goal Shirt might actuall be wearable at some point, more specifically, when I go home next month.

Time will tell. Time always does.

Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min walking

Weekly summary:

Earned 43 APs
12 hours (720 min) total activity
23.5 miles (37.8 kms) walked
32 FPs remaining
1 lb lost
Current weight: 188.6

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Apples and carrots

3 weeks, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another good day, I don't mind working the Saturday shifts because it always has a "Friday" mentality to it, since I don't work Sundays and Sunday is my day to enjoy myself. Plus I got to work the whole shift with D, which is always a treat. I saw a fellow who was one of my students a few years ago, and I didn't realise till afterward why he was confused at first whether it was me or not, I guess I look a little different. But he did recognise me so I guess I don't look THAT different. We had a lovely chat and I gave him lots of advice about applying to schools and such. After work I walked to the grocery nearby and priced my staples, tho I didn't have time to price them all because time got away from me (the store was really crowded and it was hard to move around) and I needed to catch my bus. I was out of carrots and apples so I picked those up, and afterward on the bus when I looked at my notebook where I've been doing my pricing, I saw that I had saved over 4 dollars over what I would have paid for those carrots and apples at the store where I usually shop for such. It was a little unnerving to see the difference; that's my bus far to and from work for a day. Most of the staples I did price (I did get most of it done) were cheaper at the work store, so it looks like I'll be doing most of my shopping there from now on. The days when I have a 30 min wait after my shift for the bus I might be able to get over to the store and grab odds and ends and get out to the stop in time to make it, which would be convenient, since I'd have to wait anyway. It would be nice if I could pick up things I'm short of without having to wait for the next bus, because the commute already takes so long. It would make it all a little less inconvenient; I've been rather unhappy with the change in locations so far in terms of the trouble it costs me, I could use some benefits from it to balance it out a little. I got home from work in time to get a river walk in, and while it was no where near as warm as it was earlier in the day, and a great improvement over the heat of yesterday, it was still humid and hot and I was feeling the effects of it when I got home, tired and achy. Even so I did enjoy it, no matter being tired from work and not enough sleep. I have to get a workout in tomorrow, come hell or high water.....or heat or humidity!
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Friday, June 6, 2008


3 weeks, 5 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

...that I have a full day planned for today, and I get asked to work. Didn't get my workout in or the laundry done, and I won't even get started on the sorry state of my social life. I did get to see D for a while as he finished out his shift, and I got to work most of mine with F, which made it more bearable. We had a nice chat about my trip home, and how she might be coming with me. Turns out M might come too, only everything is up in the air. I hope decisions are made soon so I can start getting excited, right now I've grabbed my excitement by the scruff of the neck and crammed it into a box and am sitting on it so it can't get out. I don't want to get all worked up over something not decided yet, I get way too disappointed over things like that. So I'm playing the wait and see game. It's definitely not easy tho.

I walked to the grocery that is far away, needed to stock up on bread. Such a hot and humid day, but again I made it fine even covered up from the sun and walking briskly. I know a year ago I would have suffered and sweated up a storm, but I am so happy to see how much better I am able to tolerate the heat. I was in a listless stupor again in the afternoon however, when I was on the bus to work, sitting in the heat makes me stupid, it took at least an hour at work before I woke up, I HATE that feeling!

And speaking of that feeling, I'm brain-dead yet is very warm tonight, I'm just sitting here and I'm still sweaty. Time for bed anyway, t'is late.

Earned 4 APs today: 70 min brisk walking

Thursday, June 5, 2008

I thought you said you were big?

3 weeks, 6 days till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Summer seems to have arrived at long last. I enjoyed the coolness while it was here, but it looks like the heat and humidity have set in now. There was a few times today I was sitting in a half stupor without my wits. The heat always makes me stupid, I'll feel half asleep now until October shows up I expect. I've been curious how I would be able to handle the heat this summer, and so far it seems like I am better able to tolerate it than I have been before. I'm cautiously optomistic, however, it is only the first day of summer, July and August will be the real test for me. But so far so good, I even wore long sleeves today, and walked. And I didn't feel like I was roasting in hell. But then, I have a bad memory for numbers, for all I know a year ago I wouldn't have found a day like today THAT hot, but I know surely I would have thought it hotter than I did today, and would have been more uncomfortable. I'm glad I was able to wear long sleeves, I really want to avoid being exposed to the sun as long as I can this summer.

Okay maybe I'm not uncomfortable, but the heat is still stealing my wits, I'm sitting here blank as a slate, I don't have the first clue what I planned to post about this evening. I might have to start writing my posts in the morning and posting them later. I was soo brain-dead this morning when I finally got up. I woke up about 7:30 as usual, but I was still a bit tired so I decided to go back to sleep, only it took about an hour for me to get really asleep (I kept dozing and waking), but then I did get to sleep, only I started having nightmares, and finally I made myself wake up in the middle of one to get away from it, and then I was dopey for half an hour because I hadn't risen up out of sleep naturally. Between that and the heat, I've been a lot less alert today despite having got enough sleep for the first time in ages. However I wasn't so brain-dead not to appreciate the compliment when a guy who lives up the street hailed me from the corner when I was walking home from the store and said "I can't even recognise you any more!" And yesterday another neighbour told me "You're looking fantastic!" I've been getting a lot of compliments the past couple of weeks and I've been loving it, I hope everyone back home thinks I look fantastic too...less than a month now!!!

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Enjoy your you-day

4 weeks till Home!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another day with my plan tossed out the window, but it was by choice for once. I'd planned a workout in the morning, a river walk later in the afternoon, and housecleaning in between and/or afterward. Instead I woke up tired yet again, and I took a look at my day, and at the past week, and decided my body has been talking to me and I have not been paying it proper attention. I'm fatigued and achy, and whether it's because my period started yesterday or because the last two weeks have been physically/mentally taxing, all that matters is that my body wants rest, and not giving it what it needs right now will only hinder me. I went for the walk in the morning instead, and took it easy for the rest of the day. I did clean up in the kitchen, but decided to leave the rest till tomorrow if I'm feeling up to it. I've been craving muffins, and had been all set to go out and buy the rest of the ingredients (plus the muffin pans) I needed in order to try making some apple and cinnamon muffins, when suddenly I thought about the expense of it (stocking a pantry for cooking or baking is costly when you're starting out!) when muffins are a treat and not a meal, and I realised that I've been craving comfort food, because I've been feeling tired and a little burned out from work and such. So I decided to put muffins off till maybe after next payday, if I can manage the expense, and I had oatmeal instead, with apple sauce and an apple cut up, and cinnamon and a little milk. It hit the spot and I did feel better afterward, comforted I guess, tho I wish I could find my comfort elsewhere. I guess it is unavoidable to find comfort in food at times, I imagine even the skinniest people alive have comfort food once in a while. At least I've been controlling the amount/type of comfort food I use now; it does not stop me from losing weight. Maybe I can't give up finding comfort in food at times, but I can choose to use foods that are good for me/won't make me gain.

I did spend a few hours getting my journal caught up, and I do feel loads better about that. I went back and made entries for the days I'd missed, so I could record my exercise, and for the most part I was able to remember what had been going on most days and things I had on my mind at the time and would have talked about here if I'd posted. The week after the concert was a weird one for me, I was still very emotional and inside myself. I'm doing much better now, I've noticed this week that I feel better than I have in many months, emotionally. Seems my celebration was therapudic in addition to being the thrill of my life so far.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

In Thermometer We Trust

4 weeks, 1 day till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was in bed and looking forward to drifting into oblivion when I realised I had not posted. Today was extemely full and I was tired yet again, but it was a good day nonetheless. Today managed to be fun and interesting and strange and unique and I wouldn't have changed anything about it, oddness and all. I was up early (wanting/needing more sleep, but getting up when I awoke, I really want to stick to getting up earlier in the morning as opposed to later) and eating right away (go me!!). I went for a river walk, which was heavenly, and came back only to leave again to go to the grocery because I needed romaine for tonight's supper and eggs for tomorrow's breakfast. Somehow time got away from me and when I got back I had to rush to get my dinner made and ate and supper made to take with me to work. I hate being rushed when I eat my big meal (which was dinner today), I like to take my time and enjoy my food, and lately I've been having to eat WAY too fast in order to be ready on time. I need to pay more attention to my time management to allow myself the proper amount of time to get ready and eat sedately.

I got to work 40 min early because of the bus schedule and I got off a few stops early because I noticed there looked to be a grocery store near my work. I went in not knowing what to expect, and it turns out that it is indeed a grocery, and it seems to have all manner of things in it that I could need. I didn't have much time to spend there, and needed to get mushrooms and pasta sauce, which I couldn't get at the grocery near me, but I did hurry aroud to price a few of my staples. I was thrilled to see that apples are 50 cents cheaper a lb there, and spaghetti squash and mushrooms look to be cheaper too. The pasta cause was cheaper, and I think I'll find a few other things I need cheaper there as well. Peppers were the same price, and they don't carry my pitas, but you can't have everything in life. I'm thrilled with the store, and I want to start figuring out more specifically what foods are cheaper where, and start planning my shopping in more detail. For the days I have to wait for a bus, or finish early, I can plan to do my shopping after work, and just hop on the bus to go home, the bus stop is close to the store, will only take about 5 min top to get there, and I don't have to change buses to get home, so it will be fine to carry groceries back with me. I'm determined to become a smarter shopper!!

One noteworthy thing is that I popped into the washroom at the grocery and saw that TOM had showed up. I keep wanting to say "unexpectedly", because I was truly surprised, but the thing is I had no right to be. I've been ignoring the signs for days now; I've been moody and my lower back has been hurting, but I felt time-wise I needed another week yet, no matter what my body was telling me. I've been taking my temp every morning to chat my cycle, and this morning it dropped a few tenths of a degree, and when I saw the number I instinctively thought, "Oh, my period will start today", but then I dismissed that, thinking it is too soon yet, and that it must be an anonomly. Turns out I should be reading my body like I always did before, and I should be trusting the thermometer, since this is the whole reason I'm doing the temp thing to begin with. Thank god I had my bag with me so I had what i needed, but it could have been a messy (and less fun) day if I hadn't!

Work was actually a lot of fun, customers were friendly and happy and I had a great time, and even saw my sweetie who comes in every Tuesday to see the new releases but I normally don't work Tuesdays so I don't get to see him that often. He mentioned that I look to have lost a lot of weight, and said I look fantastic. I wish I could steal him and take him home with me, he's a real teddy bear. I also had an interesting chat with a customer on the phone, feeling guilty the whole time because it ended up feeling like a personal call instead of work. They were taking the bunches of helium balloons off the floor from our grand opening, which I have been eying for days now. I've wanted to steal the whole bunch to take home with me. Of course that would mean that there would be no room for anything in the flat except balloons, but hell, sleeping on the balcony would be worth all the balloony-goodness! As it is I did steal one bunch to take home (I was getting a ride with a coworker). Actually, the manager told me I could take as many as I want, and told me of course my coworker wouldn't mind me filling his car with balloons. Turns out he didn't, and getting them into his 2-door car in the rain was riotously hilarious. It was all we could do to get the seats to tilt back for us to sit in them, and he looked at me and grinned and said, "we'll probably get pulled over by the cops!" and I laughed more thinking it looked like there were about 12 people in the backseat. We got home without trouble (there was a frog-related incident when I was getting dropped off tho) and now the balloons are here with me making me smile every time I look at them. Seriously, helium balloons turn me into a 3-year-old again, I have to glomp on them every time I pass by. I named my last helium balloon I had a few years ago, but since I have 22 now, I probably won't attempt to name them. Probably.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Monday, June 2, 2008

There's an XBox where my heart used to be

4 weeks, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I always mishear the lyrics of the songs they play at work.

It wasn't a particularly taxing day at all, but I was physically tired for the length of it. I didn't get as much sleep last night as I needed, yesterday completely got away from me. I had planned to clean the flat, but got caught up in doing the kitchen. I spend so much time in there now, I really want it to be nice and organised. I reorganised cupboards, and got some containers from the dollar store because I wanted different sizes from the ones I have. Now my flour is in a nice container on the counter next to the one holding my cereal, and I have one in the fridge to hold my mushrooms, and I have one for storing cake in. M made cake when she was here and I got hooked, it's now my dessert of choice. I made some last night, and I mixed it with diet Dr Pepper, and I cut up fresh cherries to put in it, and I used fat free chocolate jello pudding for a topping, very satisfying! I'm going to have more tonight, I'm actually really hungry and have not had supper yet, but I'm having a chat with M so it will be a little later. M was telling me last night how my mannerisms have changed since I've lost weight, and it was a rather intriguing conversation. I never would have thought I acted different, just that I eat different and look different. She tried to explain that I move more, and gave an example of something I would say that made me think she must know what she's talking about even if I'm completely clueless. It's so strange to be made aware of this blindspot I have to how I actu differently in this, it's pretty cool actually, because it's a good lesson to learn. We can think we know ourselves so well, it's good to be reminded that for some things we are unable to be objective or see ourselves as we truly are. I had an odd moment earlier today at work when I was alone in the lunchroom having my dinner. I was reading the paper and for some reason was reminded of infomercials for weight loss, and I was thinking how I would look at them at think how someday I would do something like that and lose weight, and for a moment I felt that same feeling just like I used to, this sensation of longing and a mess of other emotions like I used to feel, and then suddenly I realised that I've already done it, and that I've already come so far. It was sooo surreal, I was a little disoriented for a moment, and I was reminded again that I'm still not able to get that things have changed.

Earned 8 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 15 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Sunday, June 1, 2008

My body's nobody's body but mine...

4 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes got your own body, let me have mine!!!!!

A friend of mine here in Ontario told me that she learned a song to that effect in elementary school, a gimmick that was used in the schools here to teach children about molestation and abuse. It is in my mind today because of a post I read today on a website I frequent that belongs to a wonderful woman named Roni. She posted about how she has decided to have some additional surgery (she had a tummy tuck done over a year ago now I think it was) to tidy her stomach up after she had a big weight loss. A person made a comment on her blog about too much perfection, and I immediately saw red.

How dare people be negative towards someone who decides to have surgery to tidy their body after extreme weight loss? Why do people think they're better than someone else, just because they think/believe differently? I wonder if this person has ever lost a huge amount of weight, and have had to deal with that. If a person changes their lifestyle and exercises and loses weight, and then has a bunch of leftover skin because their skin doesn't shrink like some people's, why on earth should that person have to live with it forever and suffer it, when surgery can fix it? Why do some people make a judgement call that surgery for reasons other than are meant to save your life are wrong, shameful, or wasteful? Why do some people think their way of thinking is better than someone else's?

Och, I suppose it can apply to lots of different topics, but this one is definitely very, very personal to me. I plan to have surgery as soon as I can manage it to tidy my body up, and woe be to any person who tries to tell me to my face that I should be ashamed, or who looks down their noses at me. It is not my fault that my skin does not snap back. And if someone thinks that I should live the rest of my life with my body sagging and hanging and drooping all over as some kind of price because I lived so long as a morbidly obese person, then those people can go fuck themselves. How dare someone think they are better because they have been thin forever, or don't have to deal with their skin hanging off them like deflated balloons. There is nothing shameful in not being happy with your body and with wanting to change it. There is nothing shameful in turning to surgery because it is a last resort. And you know what? There is nothing shameful in turning to surgery as a first resort, that is simply what someone else decides is right for them. Just because it is not right for you does NOT mean that you are suddenly superior. You can talk all you want about your battle scars, but just because you are happy with your body drooping does not mean you are better than me because I am not happy with my body drooping. I accept me for who I am, and I love me for who I am, and my happiness does not hang on this single thing, but it is still an important thing to me, and I will change it when I can so that I can be happier. No, I would not jump off the bridge if surgery was impossible. I did not jump off the bridge when I was morbidly obese. My life does not depend on what my body looks like, but if I am happier without the excess skin, then I will aim to get rid of it, because we only have one life to live, and I have every right to be as happy as I can, and to do what I can to reach my goals. It is not a failing to be unhappy with my body, if it was not a failing to be unhappy with an obese body, it is not a failing to be unhappy with a size 12 body in size 26 skin. and if I choose to spend thousands of dollars to get my body the way I want it, who are you to look down your nose at me, or at Roni, or at anyone else who makes this decision? If I am not depriving myself or someone else of the necessities of life to do so, and if I am not hanging my life on it, just deciding it is something I want and is within my means, then it is my choice to do so. People spend money on all manner of things, cars, houses, clothes...this is my body...surely my body is the most important thing to me, more important than material possessions. Surely if nothing else, I have a right to work on my body and to have it the way I want it. And if there is no way other than surgery than to get it the way I want it, after so much effort, then so be it. Everyone who thinks differently can bugger off in high fashion.

Yes, I am very passionate about this topic. I had so much more I wanted to say about it, but I get so emotional about it that I lose it all.

It was a good day, I went for a walk late this morning, and spent the afternoon cleaning. I meant to catch up on my journal this evening, but the cleaning went overboard, and I ran out of time. I didn't get to the main room, but the kitchen is all sorted, and I got some new containers to get things more organised in there. I spend a lot of time in there, it's only fitting that it should be sorted and sensible. Okay, time for supper shortly, more tomorrow.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 42 APs
7.4 hours (945 min) total activity
9 miles (14.5 kms) walked
29 FPs remaining
2.0 lbs lost
Current weight: 189.6