It's Delle!

Someone on the WW boards mentioned they read my blog (news to me, I didn't think anybody stopped by here aside from my best friend!), so I thought I should put a little blurb about me. I made this journal so I can keep track of the things I'm doing and how I'm thinking and feeling as I journey along the road to getting thinner. It's not intended to be written to an audience, it is honestly something I am writing to myself, and I find it so helpful to be able to look back even 4 months ago and see what kinds of things I was experiencing...so many of our experiences in life slip through the cracks, and I want to remember as many of them as I can in relation to my weight loss; the good, the bad, and even the oh so ugly ones!

So many people say they've struggled with their weight for years, but this is not tue for me. I've been overweight from my earliest memories, and morbidly obese all of my adult life, but I was not the type to yo-yo diet, so in that sense I was not struggling. I don't know what my highest weight was because I didn't have a scale to weigh myself when I started getting set to lose weight. In the year before I started WW I started trying to eat less junk food and to get a little activity into my routine. When I started WW I was 288 lbs and wearing a size 22, and I know the year before I was wearing a size 26 (which was tight on me), so I'm guessing I was easily in the low 300 lb-range at my highest weight.

For the first year of my weight loss journey I was incredibly focussed and motivated. I was keeping my weight loss a secret from my family back home in Newfoundland, and my goal was to surprise them on my trip home in July. Needless to say it was quite a shock to a lot of people when I showed up over 100 lbs lighter without any warning!

Right now I am getting back on track after my trip back home. I wasn't following WW for a while due to comp issues, not to mention life issues, and I've gained back some of the weight I had lost. I got away from journalling, but I'm back at it again and am using it to help me get my focus back. I also like using it to keep track of my activity, although I've not had an organised execise regime for a few months now due to an injury. I'm getting back into my activity, however, and I will be updating all my numbers soon.

As I said, I don't write in this blog with an audience in mind, but if anyone had any questions or comments on anything here, please don't hesitate to post!

BTW, the name of my blog came from a comment my supervisor at work made one day when I was in the middle of a full-blown rant about something I had to do that was infuriating me. He interrupted me and said something to the tune of, "Don't worry about it you don't have to do it. And my goodness look at you! Where are you going, everytime I see you, you're smaller! It's crazy, you're the incredible shrinking woman!!" The moment was funny and unexpected and seemed to sum up my life right now, so I came home and re-titled my blog.

Now all I need is a cape...

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

For a memory of one kind word

1 week, 4 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I didn't do my workout today, although I had planned to, but it is okay because I can do it tomorrow instead. Since I'm not working on Friday, I wouldn't be able to do it Friday anyway, I'll have to fit it in Saturday between the morning staff meeting and my evening shift. I'm not beating myself up over not getting in three workouts this week, but I'm still not happy about it either. I've been feeling such an intense sense of urgency lately, I feel like I'm running out of time. I know it's not a race and I've said that often, but suddenly it feels like one. I know this is all tied up with me going home this summer, it looks like I'll be going sometime in July. With May coming on, July suddenly seems to be breathing down my neck. I know I wouldn't be feeling like this if I weren't going home, but I still don't want to start feeling anxious about this. It's just so important to me to get to where I want to be for when I go home. I still have lots to go and I see things slowing down so much that I'm worried I'm not going to be any farther along than I am now. Before when I was losing so consistently it never bothered me because I had faith that by that time I would be at goal, but now things are different. I'll just have to treat it like the Nightwish concert, and concentrate on being OP and getting my activity instead. I imagine by the time the concert happens I could very well know when I'm going home exactly, and I think I will just start another countdown. It will be much better for me to keep focussing on my behaviours and not the scale so much. Nonetheless I have been wondering whether I'm actually at a plateau, and whether I should try something different. A switch to Core might be called for, or perhaps the Wendie plan to mix things up. I'm not sure what I'm at now, I've not weighed since my last WI, on account of late meals and early breakfasts and how those throw off the number anyway. I've just not been in the mood to see the scale up like it's been. I'll be interested in seeing what the scale says this week, I only know that I feel like my clothes are looser this week in particular, and that I'm consistently hungry like I normally never am. I'm trying to listen to my body and give it what it needs; this afternoon I ended up taking a nap instead of exercising, because I was tired. I honestly have no idea what to expect at WI. Last week I showed a gain, but it was also the Week of Big Gain so I was not surprised. When I look at the graph of my WIs, the Week of Big Gain makes the line loop upwards a little, so that the weeks in between look to hang between them...looks rather like a necklace. I hope I don't have trouble getting to sleep tonight after that long nap this afternoon. I did wake up from it and go for a nice river walk tho. I met the nicest gentleman, I passed him walking west very near where I usually turn around and start heading back that way. He was older, and I figured I would be lapping him soon enough, but instead I trailed behind him most of the way back to the bridge. That rarely happens to me, and I was amused and impressed enough that when I finally came abreast of him and he looked over and greeted me I had to tell him that he had led me on a merry chase, and that I'd been trying forever to catch up to him. He laughed and said he bet I don't get many people passing me. We walked together till he came to his turn around, and had a lovely chat. Turns out he has a daughter with my name. I do hope I see him walking again, it's nice to meet a kindred spirit.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I am not one bit contrary

1 week, 5 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

There's a co-op student at work who also likes Nightwish, and he is a pleasure to work with. We rubbed each other the wrong way to begin with, but since then we have come to understand each other and we have tonns of fun working together. I use words he's unfamiliar with and he always asks me what they mean, then tries to use it in a sentence. Work hasn't been particularly pleasant lately on the organisational front, and having the opportunity to laugh is most of what keeps me sane there.

It was a long, long, long, hungry day. I guess it was the getting up so early, but the day seemed to stretch and strain forever. There was lots to do and it's not like the time dragged, it just felt like there were about 6 hours added to the work day. I was hungry today too, nearing mealtimes. I'm not sure what's up with the hunger lately, but I'm guessing it is related to my activity level. Incidently I did not get a full round of exercise in today, the day didn't work out as I'd planned and it was late when I got home and I was so hungry. I did get a short walk in, but my exercise plan for the week has now gone utterly awry. In order to get three workouts in this week and next I would have to go Tues-Thurs-Sat this week so that I can go Mon-Wed-Fri next week when M comes to visit. I guess I'll only be getting in 2 workouts this week. Sucky.

Earned 3 APs today: 40 min brisk walking

Monday, April 28, 2008

The improvements were for the rest of the store

1 week, 6 days till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It was a rather hectic day at work and I am tired and achy tonight. The time went in a blink and the next thing I knew I was starving for my dinner. I was also really hungry for my supper. Both meals tasted wonderful, and left me satisfied. Food has tasted really really good to me the past couple of days, even tho I'm not doing anything differently to it. Apples seem like dessert to me for some reason. I was physically tired when I got home, and mentally stressed, and I was tempted to choose exercise that would be shorter, but I also wanted to do something demanding because I got asked to come in for 6am tomorrow instead of 7am, and I want to be able to sleep early tonight. I considered the elliptical but ended up just going for a river walk, because I wanted an easy kind of demanding, the kind from longer duration as opposed to high intensity. I was glad to get home, my legs and hips are achy, and my back between my shoulder blades was killing me again. I'm glad I went tho, achy or not, it still felt good to move without having to think too much.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Sunday, April 27, 2008

In the morning I get up and I try to feel alive but I can't

2 weeks till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another day where I had a hard time starting, and I didn't want to do anything at all. I was having dreams I'd rather not have had and I woke up in quite the funk. I'd wanted to get a river walk in today along with my workout, but it didn't happen because I was so late starting, and I took a little longer than usual to finish it up. But on a day like today it is an accomplishment enough just to have got it all done, and I did get a short walk in, so it wasn't a complete loss. I don't know why exactly but I've been feeling so fat the past few days that it would be disheartening if I let it get to me. I'm blaming it on my mood (which could possibly be caused by hormones at this point of my cycle) and I'm not giving in to the negative thinking. I just hate how I can still look at myself in the mirror and think I look awful, even if it's only sometimes that I think it, and not always, like before.

Earned 12 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 25 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 45 APs
15.8 hours (945 min) total activity
32 miles (51.5 kms) walked
19 FPs remaining
.8 lbs gained
Current weight: 201.2

Saturday, April 26, 2008

But you can't leave...there's cupcakes!

2 weeks, 1 day till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Okay, technically I can't call it an OP day yet, because I've not had my last meal, but I'll eat and meet any requirements I have left to meet. I just want to post now while I still have some of my wits about me. I got home from work in the early evening and went right for a walk. D brought me home and took me shopping along the way, so was able to stock up on veggies. Again I was struck by how pleasurable it is to shop with someone else when you're both shopping healthy. I really do love not having to feel ashamed of what I'm buying and not having to feel like I should make excuses for my choices. The problem is we were both shopping hungry and were both drooling over all the things we didn't intend to buy. We didn't buy anything we shouldn't tho, but it made for an amusing shopping trip, what with us both being constantly distracted by anything "shiney". I've noticed I've been hungry this week, not sure what that is a sign of. I have been getting a lot of activity in, so I don't know if that is it. I'm satisfied when I eat my meals, but I'm getting hungrier just before I eat them than I usually am. Maybe I will need to start working in snacks if this keeps up, I'll have to listen and try to figure out what my body's telling me. Well, right now it is trying to tell me to go eat already, so I should get on that.

ps: I did eat a complete supper last night despite the temptation not to...squee!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Friday, April 25, 2008

Never again will be, I cry

2 weeks, 2 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I have to choose between having a late supper, and just having a glass of milk and going to bed. With one, I will go to bed full, but will have gotten in three meals. With the other, I will have met the requirements, but will have only technically been OP. I have to work in the morning, and I think if I slack off and don't eat tonight, it will be a long hungry day tomorrow. I think I'll go try to make supper as fast as I can, and eat and go to bed. It's my bad for leaving it this late anyway. I'm still trying to get myself together, I was late late late getting started today; I got to sleep just fine last night, but I had nightmares upon nightmares, and I woke up way too soon. Hopefully tonight goes better.

Earned 16 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 85 min brisk walking

Thursday, April 24, 2008

When it's killing me when will I really see

2 weeks, 3 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I'm sleepy tonight, much more sleepy than I should be in light of how much I slept last night. I woke up at a decent time I'm sure, but I didn't want to face the day so I went back to sleep without looking at the time, and slept as long as I possibly could instead. It's been a long time since I've done that, and it was late when I finally got up. Of course, for years and years getting up at 10:30am was astonishingly early for me, to the point that people would exclaim about it once they learned it happened. I felt guilty this morning, but I suppose I should cut myself some slack now that I'm looking at it on the flip side of the day. My usual wake up time nowadays is about 9:15am, give or take a few, so I wasn't THAT much later....not to mention that 10:30 is still nothing to be ashamed of in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I should be proud that I actually feel guilty about "sleeping in" till 10:30...for years there my usual wake up time was after 1:00pm. There was a really bad time there a few years ago that it was more like 3pm. Those were the bad old days when I wasn't able to get to sleep like normal people, and I would be up till 6am all the time. It's pretty hard to believe that I am actually able to sleep like normal people now. I can't wait to finish this and go to bed. And the beauty is I know I'll be asleep at most 10 min max after I lay down. That actually is astonishing, for me. And it is the norm now. I don't know if it is the new lifestyle making me so sleepy tonight, or if it's just where my hormones are at for this particular part of the month, but either way I'll take it.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Eventually

2 weeks, 4 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I did well today in light of how unmotivated I was to do anything other than just breathe. I've been really tired all day. I couldn't seem to get going at all, but I did get my three meals in, and I also got the activity in. The problem is, it took hours longer to do the activity than it usually does, because I really didn't want to be exercising and I kept taking time-outs. It might not have been as good as a workout done in a more time efficient manner, but I am very happy that I got through it all despite how much I didn't want to do it. I'd wanted to go for a river walk, but I knew if I went before the exercise, I would use tired legs as an excuse not to work out when I got back, and it was too late by the time I was done because it took so long. I did get a brief walk in when I went to the grocery, however, and I enjoyed that. I'll get a river walk in tomorrow before I go to work, hopefully the weather cooperates. I noticed when I walked yesterday that I didn't get the pain between my shoulders, so I'm hoping that tomorrow will be the same. I tried to stay loose, but I have no idea whether it was something I did that helped, because the other times I was trying to stay loose too, but I still hurt. The scale is showing me down, but that is not surprising after yesterday's shenannigans. I don't know how much of it will stick for Friday tho, because I'll probably be eating a late supper tomorrow night since I'm working the closing shift. I'm not so preoccupied by what the scale will say as I am by other things right now, particularly starting the Couch to 5K program soon. As little as I wanted to lift today, I did feel compelled to run, and I almost decided to start it today, but I'd likely be doing the program on my off days, which means if I started today I wouldn't be able to get in 3 days before the end of the week. I'm thinking strongly that I will start it next week. I actually get nervous thinking about it. I also upped the intensity of some of the exercises in my workout today. I've been getting some advice and have been thinking about working out at a higher intensity to try and build more muscle more quickly. I don't have a lot of options since I have to work with what resources I have, but there are still some things I can do. There's a long way I can go with it, but it's nice feeling like there's so much room for improvement, it's motivating for me, oddly. I'm enjoying this very much, and I like knowing that it will take time to get there. I started the day out in a wretched mood, but I feel a lot better tonight, and I know it was the exercise that did it. I can't imagine not being active now, it's too much a part of my life.

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

You could have been all I wanted

2 weeks, 5 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It was a barely OP day, I got my requirements in but I didn't have supper and I went to the pub. It really wasn't a good day.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Monday, April 21, 2008

He was the wizard of a thousand kings

2 weeks, 6 days till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Wow, it's getting warm in my flat already...I'm sitting here almost in a sweat not doing anything. I do so hope I am better able to handle the heat this time around, especially since I won't have A/C again this year. It was an uneventful day, I was supposed to finish work at 2:30pm but my coworker asked if I would stay till 4 for him and I need money so I said yes. I didn't mind, the day was a short one still, and the time went really fast. Only the bus took too long to get downtown and I missed my transfer and it was 5:30 before I got home. I just changed and went right for a river walk. It's so strange, almost as soon as I start walking now I get this terrible ache right between my shoulder blades. I have no idea what I'm doing to cause it, but it is really distracting and annoying and painful. I've tried doing different things when I walk to see if anything will relieve it, but I can't pinpoint what I'm doing exactly. I have noticed my posture is changing, but I would think an improved posture would make me hurt so much between my shoulderblades. I'm wondering if I tense up somehow, trying to walk straight-backed. I'm at a complete loss, all I can do is hope it is temporary. I actually just wanted to eat when I got home, but I made myself go for my walk first. I thought it really strange to be hungry like that, because I seldom feel my stomach growl in the daytime, but tonight when I was doing my book-keeping for the last few days (yes, I've been letting it go again, shame on me!) I saw that I actually ate a LOT less points yesterday than I had thought (I'd had something other than my usual supper but didn't track it at the time because I had almost all my FPs plus my APs for yesterday). Turns out I didn't even eat all my DPs, so I guess it is no wonder I felt hungry today. I ate all my DPs today, plus my APs, and I feel really good, supper definitely left me feeling satisfied. Now I think I will catch up on things online since I've not surfed anything yet today, and then maybe watch a movie and get some Zzs. Got a call this evening asking me to work tomorrow, so if I want to squeeze in a full round, I'll have to be on the ball and wake up early.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sunday

3 weeks till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Back-dated. Never got a chance to post on Sunday, was tired and slept late and then had to get my activity in, and ended up going to bed early.

Earned 9 APs: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders

Weekly summary:
Earned 45 APs
11.4 hours (685 min) total activity
21 miles (33.8 kms) walked
33 FPs remaining
1.6 lbs lost
Current weight: 200.4

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The red-hot blade of your words

3 weeks, 1 day till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was up too late last night and it resulted in me sleeping in this morning, so I didn't get a river walk in because I had to do laundry before work. I also never got the shopping done, because I had nothing I could wear out because I threw everything I can wear into the wash. My old black comfy pants which I have not worn in a while will do to go down to the laundry, but I had to cinch the drawstrings as tight as I could just to keep them up, and I looked a right state with the crotch of them almost down to my knees. They were never tight on me, but it was a little shocking to see how huge they seem on me now. Maybe they were never tight, but I wore them comfortably all the same, and last year I used to wear them walking. I need to get more comfy pants for walking. I need more clothes, period, with the hot weather coming on. Too bad I can' afford any. I put my work pants in the drier today and they shrunk up a tiny bit and I felt good in them. F told me she can notice I've slimmed down more and asked whether I'm in Onederland yet. There was cake at work for a coworker who's leaving, and I wanted it so badly, I always want sweet stuff like that, and N tried to convince me, but I hold fast, because a mouthful of cake as never been able to satisfy me and I hate being left wanting more and more and more. When it comes to cake I just feel better off abstaining completely. When I get to goal I will be willing to try relaxing my restraint a little bit now and then, but as long as I still want to lose I am determined to maintain my discipline. I had two good moments today; one was when I noticed a person can sit beside me on the bus without me noticing, if I'm not looking in that direction. For so long anyone sitting with me would be squished in there beside me. The other was when I was rubbing the small of my back under my shirt and I was confused by something strange I was feeling, then I realised I could feel the bones of my spine. I've also been noticing recently how I get up and sit down without pushing myself up/supporting myself to lower down by a hand on something. I just sit down and stand up. It's a marvelous feeling!

Earned 2 APs today: 30 min elliptical

Friday, April 18, 2008

Bye bye beautiful

3 weeks, 2 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I got asked to work today and it messed up my whole plan. I never got to get the shopping done, or the laundry, and I had planned a full round today PLUS a river walk. Very disappointing. I did however endeavor to get as much in as I could when I got home...which was later than I was supposed to because the bus was late getting downtown and I missed my transfer. I was only able to do one set of free weights tho because it was very late and I was tired and hungry and didn't want to be eating supper at 2am, but I got a lot of the workout in, so I'm proud about that.

Earned 5 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics, 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 15 min shoulders, 20 min upper body

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I miss winter

3 weeks, 3 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Coming from a place that has no summer and thus being used to year being divided between winter, spring and fall, I can't get used to how quickly it can change here between winter and summer. In no time at all I've gone from wearing a coat to being too hot while I went for my walk today. I was rather glum when I reminded myself that last summer I would be delighted with a day of only 22 degrees and 35% humidity to go for a walk...it's so depressing to know that it will get so much hotter and wetter that a day like today will seem a blessing. Still, it is to be hoped that I will fare better this summer than last, having rid myself of much of my insulation. The change in weather has brought about curious recollections, and today I found myself remembering things from when I first started WW last July, flashes of memory tied to warm humid weather. Hard to believe summer has come round again, I almost feel I am running out of time and it is hard not to be impatient sometimes, and I worry that I won't be near enough where I wanted to be when I go home to visit. I've only felt that way very recently, I guess I've placed such importance on it that I want it to be as perfect as possible. I hate that things are slowing down now when I am starting to get so close. I'm almost positive now I am going to lower my goal weight, at least to the very upper edge of what is deemed the healthy weight range for my height and age. But I am still being flexible about it, and I am more concerned about being happy with my body than what the number is exactly. I will know when I get there, but I look at my body now and I think I can stand to lose a lot more than another 20-odd lbs. My body still seems so big to me in many ways. But still, when I go out to walk amongst all the other active folk along the river, I feel so much more confident than I had last summer. I felt I stood out so much before, but now I am starting to feel like I am not so drastically different from the other people I see out exercising. I've also noticed that the majority of people I see running and cycling and walking and rollerblading are thin and fit. I have come to the realisation that despite the way many of us overweight people seem to believe that most thin people are just lucky or blessed with good genes and can eat and do as they please without gaining weight, I think the truth is that most of them are thin because they eat less than overweight people, generally eat better...and are generally more active. These people are not being active to lose weight, as I am. They are active because that is what they do. It really does seem that they are not thin by accident, after all.

Earned 6 APs today: 85 min brisk walking

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

You feel all right when you hear that music ring

3 weeks, 4 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It's been quite the day, for so little 'happening'. I've been moody and trying to sort my head out, and I had a very, very late breakfast and didn't start exercising until so late in the day, I never got a chance to get my river walk in. Of course, that's not the catastrophy it would be if it wasn't a day that I did a full round, but it was, so it's not a big deal or even a little deal, that I never got the walk in...but it was something I wanted to do, and I missed not being able to do it. Apparently it was a beautiful day out, but I think it will be another one tomorrow, and I am looking forward to walking by the river tomorrow and thinking me thinks and enjoying the day.

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Because she says she'll love ya love ya long time

3 weeks, 5 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

And now for a proper post. I've been grooving to some Nelly while I got caught up on my book-keeping stuff and my journal. I keep a hard copy planner where I track my exercise and OPness and various other things, but I'd not filled it in since Wednesday. I hadn't realised so many days had elapsed, things have been busy for me since late last week. I've really been taking advantage of the warmer weather and going for river walks whenever I can manage it. I walked a little earler, and I enjoyed it immensely, I almost didn't want to stop. I'm still pretty tired today; I could have used more sleep to try and catch up, but for some reason I just woke up at my usual time and I decided not to force it too much. I might have done a full round today, but I decided to just walk and to leave it till tomorrow and make it Wed-Fri-Sun this week. I'm tired, but still I feel incredibly good physically and mentally at the moment. I feel strong and relaxed and good. I'm also feeling hungry because I let my routine get away from me today and I didn't have a proper mid-day meal. I had breakfast so late and then with wanting to walk it just didn't get fit in. I had some carrots after I showered, and I was thinking about an apple too, but I got distracted on the comp and now I'm just figuring I'll have supper and call it good. I need to be more careful about getting my three meals in. Everyone and their dog talks about how you should ideally be eating 5-6 small meals a day in order to lose; I don't choose to follow that mantra, but I do figure that 3 meals a day is probably the farthest I should stray from eating 6 meals every day. I might consider it if my days were always free, but I can't eat on my job except when I am on break, so it doesn't work for me to get used to eating every three hours. Otherwise I would try it for a while and see what it does for me. I've never been motivated on my own to do it, because I've been so used to having big meals, but who knows, it might be something that I would take to. Oh well, I'm not going to know any time soon. Okay my brain is starting to slow down, I think food is in order because I except it will hit me like a tonn of bricks at some point and I probably won't be up late. Better eat whilst I can still move and think!

Earned 6 APs today: 85 min brisk walking

Monday, April 14, 2008

Monday

3 weeks, 6 days till Nightwish!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another backdated post, I should be shot. I had a busy day Monday, but I did manage to get a river walk in, and all the guidelines, which was a victory because I was so tired at the end of the day that I wasn't motivated to make supper. I got very little sleep on the weekend, I think working on Sunday should be illegal.

Earned 6 APs: 85 min brisk walking

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sunday

4 weeks till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

This is backdated, I got asked to work Sunday night (BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!) and by the time I got home and got supper, it was half past midnight and I had to be up at dawn so I just went to bed.

Earned 10 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics, 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps

Weekly summary:
Earned 49 APs
12.3 hours (740 min) total activity
17 miles (27.4 kms) walked
33 FPs remaining
STS
Current weight: 202

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I went out with McBobbin

4 weeks, 1 day till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Earned 2 APs today: 30 min elliptical

Friday, April 11, 2008

My problems stop at my finger-picking

4 weeks, 2 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I think this might be the first time I've made a post on this journal here at school. I'm here with F keeping her company while she does some work. I needed to make a trip to the grocery so I called her today to see if she was going to be on this end of town and since she had to come in to the U she fetched me and brought me to do my shopping beforehand. I was suddenly low on or out of things that are heavy and too cumbersome to carry on foot. It's so depressing how much money I have to spend on food, I feel like I'm constantly having to buy more, like nothing lasts any amount of time. Maybe I just can't get past the mindset that I should only be spending 50 dollars a week on food. I should try to find some spare time and take a look at my receipts and try to figure out what the cost of what I am eating per week would amount to, perhaps it would cheer me up if it is less than what it seems like I am spending. I did pick up a spegetti squash today, I've never heard of it before this week, but I would like to try it and see how that goes. I'm very interested in finding cheaper foods and/or food that will go farther. I also wanted a zuchini, but they were out. I don't know if those types of veggies are cheaper year round, or if they are just cheaper in the winter, but I want to learn. I spend part of my days off browsing websites and blogs that have to do with weightloss, exercise and healthy eating, it's usually what I do in the morning while I wake up before breakfast. I found a good one last week with simple recipes that I would like to try. I keep seeking out information on these things because I want to know as much as I can so I can apply it. There's so much info out there, and I've found a lot of stuff I find useful. I don't always agree with what I read, but I sift through what I find and pick and choose what I think I can use and what makes sense to me. I was on a particular health blog today and the fellow believes that grains are bad and should be cut out of your diet. He has a lot of good info, but I don't agree with cutting out the grains, no matter how many studies he cites to support the idea. I suppose it could be true, but I'm not interested in cutting grain out of my diet. The times when I make decisions like that are oddly satisfying to me; it almost seems like some sort of affirmation that I am not getting fanatical or weird about my healthy lifestyle. I'm interested in making improvements to what I am doing, but I still have my limits. I've become more concerned about getting protein in, and with my sodium intake. I'm also becoming concerned with form while I exercise...I spend so much time at it, I really don't want to be wasting my time on exercise if it is not going to do much for me. I want to maximise the benefit I am getting from my meals and my activity. I find it all encouraging; I'm still in this nice place between stressing over being perfect and losing interest/becoming bored with it all. I do sometimes wonder whether I will reach a point where I will lose interest in being healthy, when I've 'learned all there is to know', so to speak. I like feeling like I can still learn things and make changes to my living, most of all probably because I am already living pretty damn healthy and I'm just fine-tuning at this point. It's nice not feeling like I have to make such huge changes to my life in order to get where I would like to be.

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics, 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Thursday, April 10, 2008

My writing is involuntary, like the beating of my heart

4 weeks, 3 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

My Nightwish committment was put to the test today, but my resolve held strong. My day was all topsy turvy, but I took special care to make sure to have supper even when I was tempted not to, and to make sure it included all aspects I needed to fill for the guidelines. I also made sure I got some activity in before I ate, even tho I was not feeling particularly motivated to do any. My legs are still sore today, but feeling better than yesterday. It was raining so I didn't get a walk in, and I am hoping that they will be able to take me through a full round tomorrow. I'm feeling the hormones, I think, moody and out of sorts. Hopefully I start this weekend, but I think it is still going better than last month. I could have slept longer this morning, but I made myself stay awake when I saw it was a bit after 9am, as I didn't want to sleep too late and possibly keep myself up tonight. It's very quiet...perhaps another movie before bed.

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min elliptical (moderate)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

So how do you do lunges again?

4 weeks, 4 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I had been contemplating getting up early today so I could get a river walk in before work, but it would have required waking up about an hour and a half earlier than I normally wake up. I don't like messing with my sleep schedule if at all possible, mostly because I've longed for so many years to actually have one. I also hate feeling tired for the rest of the day if I didn't get enough sleep. I figured I'd do a wait and see, and if I felt like I'd gotten enough sleep then I would get up early, and if not I wouldn't worry about it, and would just do my WATP before I went to work instead. Turned out I slept as long as I possibly could before having to get ready for work; it seems to be the time of month when I need more sleep than usual, plus last night I was awake for hours before I went to sleep. This is something I used to do all the time, and now has gotten to be so rare that it felt really strange to still be awake so long after going to bed. I was listening to music and waiting to be ready to sleep but it took forever compared to how long it usually takes these days. I have a lot on my mind lately. But it's just as well I slept in, because my quads are sore today, most especially my right one, to the point that I was walking with a tiny bit of a limp today at times. I think what did it was me messing around doing lunges trying to figure out whether I need to change my form. I thought you're supposed to feel it mainly in your butt, but I only ever feel it in my legs, so after I did my normal set I did more trying to see if changing my form would make me feel it in my ass. I wasn't thinking about how this wasn't necessarily a smart thing to do, and I either did something in a way that was bad for me, or I simply just overworked those muscles with it, but today I am definitely thinking about how my leg hurts. I still needed to get activity in for today tho, but it was almost sunset when I got home, and I just went for a 20 min recovery walk, at a slower pace than I normally do. If I'm still really sore tomorrow I'll probably just do a river walk and save my bigger workout till Friday. When I was on my recovery walk all I could smell was delicious food smells coming from various places, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to eat the kinds of food that makes smells that are that good. I'll have to get used to the smells again now that the weather is warmer and the pubs are opening their doors again.

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min walking

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

This is for long forgotten light at the end of the world

4 weeks, 5 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I got a lot of activity in again today. Strangely, going for a river walk after all the exercise at home felt like a reward for hard work. I won't have time for a walk tomorrow because of my schedule and I find myself disappointed. There are so many people on the river trail these days when I'm down there, it will take a bit of getting used to. When I would walk in the fall it would be pretty deserted because it would be cloudy and windy and cold, and I preferred it that way. Still, it's nice to see so many people being active. It's only going to get more crowded as the days go by. I went in my shirtsleeves today, and I'm feeling fine tonight. Last night for some reason I felt really cold after I got my shower and it took forever to warm up. I'm expecting TOM this weekend, and I'm starting to get cramps. I'm also feeling the hormones, something I could do without. I've been finding myself wishing I could get drunk the past few days. I can deal with that fine, I just don't want to lose my exercise mojo like I did last month!

Earned 18 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 105 min brisk walking

Monday, April 7, 2008

I feel so cold inside..sorrow has frozen my mind

4 weeks, 6 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It was an uneventful day. I woke up at 5am for some reason and had trouble getting back to sleep. Thankfully I managed it, but I kept waking up every 5-10 min thereafter. I'm just glad I was able to get back to sleep each time, it's usually all but impossible for me in those situations. I was scheduled a shorter day today to make up for having to be scheduled an extra shift this week, so I didn't have to start till 8am, and I finished at 2pm, which meant the day went very quickly, and I was able to go for a river walk when I got home. I have no problem walking in the winter, as cold outside never bothered me before, but this winter there was constantly snow and ice on the ground, so I didn't get to go for walks. Last fall I did a lot of walking all bundled up, but this winter it hasn't been an option. Winter lingered and lingered this year, and now suddenly it is over and done with and the warmer weather seems to have set in. I went for one walk recently all bundled up with long johns and scarf and gloves and winter coat, then the next time I went without the scarf and gloves, the next without the fleece, the next just with the fleece, and today I didn't wear anything over my shirt. All this in the span of 2 weeks! I only hope we don't keep transitioning just as quickly into hot and humid; my tolerance for heat may have improved some, but I doubt I will ever find the summers here easy or comfortable by a longshot.

Note to self, take progress pics tomorrow

Earned 6 APs today: 85 min brisk walking

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Countdown to Nightwish

Seven years ago I heard tell of a Finnish band from some online friends, and I decided to check out their sound. I was instantly and forever hooked, and they have been my fav band ever since. Nightwish instroduced me to the genre of symphonic metal, a sound that is almost uniquely suited to my tastes, and for years now I've enjoyed their music. The band has gone through some changes, not the least being a change in their lead singer, but I've not lost my love of the band.

A dear friend bought me their newest album, which I had not yet heard....and tickets to their concert in London for May 11th of this year. And thus the Countdown to Nightwish begins.

5 weeks from this moment I will be probably be beside myself with emotion as I look at my favorite band performing on a stage in a city some miles north and east of here. As luck will have it my best friend in all the world will be by my side, as she has agreed to accompany me and share the experience. I've been experiencing a measure of sadness of my life the past few months, and it means the world to me that she is going to make the trip here to be with me on that weekend. Despite my continued dedication to my weight loss goals and my activity goals, there has been precious little joy in my life lately, and I want to turn this into something that I can feel excitement and happiness about. Spring is finally here, and I want to have something to look forward to.

When I first got the tickets, one of the thoughts that went through my head was that I could be so close to goal by then. As it turned out my weight loss has slowed down to a degree, so I probably won't be as close I had initially thought I might be, but nonetheless I am still half thinking of this upcoming Nightwish weekend as being my celebration of reaching my goal. My celebration for reaching 50 lbs lost actually occurred before I reached that milestone, so it won't be unprecidented that I have my 'celebration' before the fact.

But then, it just occurred to me that since goal is too far off to consider reaching, I could think of the Nightwish weekend as being my celebration of reaching 100 lbs lost. It also occurs to me that I could think of my pending trip back home as my ultimate celebration of reaching my goal (whatever it ends up being). That seems much more fitting to me, now. I think I shall have to make it official. Okay, officially now, the Nightwish weekend will be my celebration of losing 100 lbs, whether or not I have actually lost 100 at the time. I doubt I will have, but I sure as hell will aim for it. But more than getting caught up in the numbers, what I will do is make a committment here and now that for the next 5 weeks I will do my utmost to be OP every day, and to get some sort of activity in every single day. I can't control how fast the weight comes off, but I can contol the rest of it, and if I try to be OP every day and to exercise every day until then, I will know that I have done everything I can to get as close too the 100 lb milestone as I can. And I know that no matter how much weight I lose between now and then, I will be very proud of myself if I can reach those two goals of being OP and exercise for the next 5 weeks, and I will feel very deserving of a weekend of fun. Let the countdown begin!!!

I worked my tail off today and I'm feeling particularly fine. I did my full round, and then I rigged up and went for a river walk to top it all off. I was thinking of going for a walk right after I woke up, but I decided that it would be nice to use it as a reward for doing my strength training, as walking is very uncomplicated and non-demanding compared to the strength stuff. When I walk I can just go and feel the sun and wind on my face and think about whatever I want without having to keep track of how many reps I've done and what exercise comes next and how many sets and so on. I was wondering if I might change my mind, but when I finished I was feeling strong and eager to get outside and walk. There were a lot of people with the same idea, the weather was gorgeous, sunny and warm compared to the winter we've had. I just wore my fleece, and I felt light and unencumbered when I set out. I wore the outside part of my winter jacket to work yesterday without the fleece inside, and I was suddenly very aware of the fact that my winter jacket has gotten rather big for me. It seems it will be its last winter, I shall have to go coat shopping next winter. Of course that means next summer, because the winter clothes come out in summer. I bet there are a lot of spring/summer clothes in the stores now, I would get excited about doing some shopping and trying some of it on, but I still have a ways to go before I start investing in new clothes, plus I don't have the funds anyway. I'll probably have to make another trip to the thrift store sometime soon, but I'm not in dire straits so I'm not fretting. It would be nice to have another pair of pants at least since I'll be getting back into walking outside regularly again. I would like to have another pair of good pants too, I have my jeans I really love, but they are getting big and they are the only pants I have to wear when going out aside from my work pants. I'm planning to wait until May and get a nice pair of jeans then, so I'm trying to make things last till then. My body really is changing. Really and truly. When I'm nekid and looking in the mirror I feel huge but I can't ignore the fact that my body is getting smaller, however it actually looks when I'm just in my skin (my oh so enormous skin). I have so much sag and hang and droop around my middle that when I'm out of my clothes it is really hard to see that I'm smaller, because I have all this junk around my middle still. I've always carried my weight around my waist, which has always been my thickest part. One of the strange and eternally taxing parts of my body has been that I am very small chested despite being so overweight, and paired with carrying my weight around my middle it has only served to make me seem even more disproportional. I've often wished for a larger bust, but more than that I've just wanted my middle to just be smaller. I've noticed of late that my stomach area is creeping closer to the point of not protruding past my bustline, which is something I have taken much happiness in. I'm monitoring the situation with immense interest, and will be thrilled when I can look at myself nekid and see that my boobs (such as they are...they are shrinking too, the silly things) overshadow my tummy. I was at first startled, then ecstatic, when I was walking today and noticed my reflection in storefronts on my way to the river and saw that when I'm wearing my fleece my tummy is actually not sticking out past my boobs. I tightened the draw strings around the waist of my fleece because it was looking too baggy, so that definitely contributed, but it wasn't holding my stomach in overly much, so I'm extremely pleased knowing I'm almost there. I couldn't believe it when I first noticed my reflection, for a moment I thought "Is that me??", and then I was eagerly waiting for each glimpse of myself I would get in each upcoming window. Most definitely a wonderful change for once.

Oh, the number I was seeing on the scale earlier in the week did indeed stick fast. In fact, I had a rather influential visit to the loo an hour after I recorded this number, so it in fact more than stuck, unofficially. However, since I had also had my usual large breakfast in the interim, I am still going with the offical logged number, since I don't think the difference will affect my DPs. It looks like a huge loss, but it truly isn't, since that 3 lb "gain" last week was not a true gain at all, but since I my recommittment to not getting caught up with trying to manipulate the numbers, I logged that so-called gain and went on with life. I WI Friday morning just before I eat my first meal of the day, regardless of how late my last meal had been the night before, or whether I had been to the loo yet, or whether the scale is being kind. And despite the inconsistency of my WIs now, I am finding this new routine to be much less stressful, and I am so glad I owned up to the silliness and chose to cut it out.

Earned 17 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics, 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 85 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 38 APs
9.3 hours (555 min) total activity
17 miles (27.4 kms) walked
27 FPs remaining
7.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 202

Saturday, April 5, 2008

You ain't seen Bad Boys 2?

Another long day with me tired and cold at the end of it. I gave myself some extra sleep, but still managed to get myself up and out of bed and out the door for a walk by the river before coming back home to rush about the kitchen to make breakfast and dinner to take with me and go off to work. I would have had lots of time but D asked me if I would like to come in early today and of course I said I would. It's been a long week and for all the running around I did to work and back I wish I had more hours to show for it, but I'm not complaining. I got to work with F and D today and I always love seeing them. F said she doesn't see why I want to keep losing weight and that she thinks I look pretty proportional right now. Then she said that she also thought I looked proportional before, to which I said "oh yeah, proportional...for a potatoe". She said she can't picture me any thinner, and I told her she's mental because I still have a lot to lose. I've been thinking recently that I will probably change my goal and go lower than 178 when I get closer to it. Looking at my body now I'm starting to think that I won't be satisfied yet with my frame by that time. It was just a number I pulled out of the air more or less, and I was always open to the idea that I might want to stop before it. I was also flexible about wanting to go beyond it. I've not made any decisions yet, but I'm starting to get my mind used to the idea that I might not be as close to goal as I had thought. It will be a lot easier to determine what I want to do when I get closer to it. I've not done this before, and I don't know the effect each pound lost will have on my body and my figure from here on out. I'm not trying to predict anything, I'm definitely taking a wait (weight?) and see attitude. I just want to get to a place where I'm happy and satisfied with myself, whatever the number might be.

Earned 6 APs today: 85 min brisk walking

Friday, April 4, 2008

And then it was Friday

I ended up having company yesterday evening and didn't get to post. Yesterday was a wonderfully productive day, I'm so happy with yesterday. I woke up pretty early and had a good breakfast. I cleaned out the cupboards and the fridge (as I'd wanted to do last Tuesday but had to work instead). I cleaned a bunch of crap off my comp, backed up files, and set it to defrag. I then took out all the trash and went for a lovely brisk river walk. On the way home I stopped for bus tickets then went to the dollar store and parted with some of my very meager funds to buy a set of plastic containers for the kitchen. I came home and cleaned all the dishes and things that had been in the cupboards that were dusty from beeing idle for a long time, then I reorganised and put some of my containers to use holding things I use often and put away things I don't use often to make room for the things I do. I tackled the bathroom next, and discovered the new cleaner I bought this time around will actually take off the unsightly water stains in my sink, and while it's not 100% yet, it is loads better than it had been. Now if only I could find something to take the stains out of the toilet. Then I tidied the rest of the flat and had supper before my friend came over. By the time I was alone again I was tired and didn't want to go online so I went right to bed, because I wanted to get my exercise in before work today. The problem was that I woke up in time, but was very tired from not getting enough sleep, and sore from yesterday. I guess I'm not used to long walks anymore because my hips ache today and walking is painful. My body felt heavy and awkward, and even tho I had the best of intentions and got up and made breakfast and ate it, I still ended up not exercising. I was moving so slowly that it would have put me to the wire to try and get the activity in before work, and I didn't feel up to any of it. Instead I ended up taking a short nap before work and felt much the better for it. I'm glad I did, because work ended up being hectic and tiring. There was a disgustingly amusing moment when I noticed a bunch of insects crawling around on the floor in the lunch room and I was pretty pissed off and pointed it out to my boss and in an attempt to make the situation seem less drastic he summarised the situation as involving a 'social gathering of ants' and the silliness of it tickled me and I had a good long belly laugh over it. Then we stood there for 5 min observing the social gathering and commenting on their behaviours. There was cake for a coworker who got promoted, and as soon as I got to work and walked in the lunch room to my locker I was painfully aware of it. I could smell it before I even saw it, I could smell the sugar and the syrupy strawberries that were on it. I wanted that cake as much as I've wanted anything, and I was tempted to just get some icing on a fingertip, but I decided not to and managed to avoid it, tho it was really hard. Sweet stuff like that is such a temptation for me, I'm rarely around it but when I am it smells so good and I want it. The thing is I want to lose weight more than I want sweet stuff, and I don't feel it is worth all the points I would lose to just a small piece, so I resist. But I do remember cake, although the memory is probably getting a little fuzzy around the edges. I just celebrated my 9-month anniversary of being on WW, and I'm starting to have trouble remembering life before it. The other day on my way to work I was trying to remember whether I would eat a meal before going to work if I left before noon, and for the life of me I couldn't remember whether I consistently did, and if so, what I would eat. I never was a breakfast eater, but I must have had something before working a shift without breaks. I can't remember what it used to be, tho. I can name some things I suppose I ate, but I actually had a lot of trouble trying to figure it out. There's been a few times this week that I felt so utterly surreal, but I think that in the beginning everything was surreal, but now it is the occassional flashbacks to before that are the surreal parts, because my new lifestyle has become much more solid and routine and natural to me now. That's pretty damn awesome.

Earned 6 APs yesterday: 85 min brisk walking

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

When it's killing me what do I really need

Today got all turned about. I was supposed to go into work in the early afternoon for training, and I'd planned to come home and do my exercise in the evening. Instead I got asked to work so I had to rush to try and get as much of it in before I left, and I didn't get home until late. I had to leave out the WATP, but I did finish up the free weights when I got home. I would have liked to do the DVD tonight to make up for not getting it in this afternoon but I was hungry and didn't want to put off supper. With my APs I had enough to eat more food for supper but in the end I decided to eat the usual and just garnish it a little more richly. I really would like to shrink my stomach some if at all possible so that I don't have to eat so much to feel full. I suppose that comes through time and cutting back by degrees so I won't feel deprived by sudden changes. All my life I've eaten a lot of food and I don't feel satisfied without at least a comfortably full stomach. That probably came in part from eating crap that didn't take care of hunger the way proper food does, so I was driven to eat more of it. But I also can't ignore the huge role comfort plays in my overeating, and how I find the sensation of being full to be physically and emotionally satisfying. Even now when I save my FPs for the weekend for when I want a treat, it is not to eat food that are higher points, it is to eat MORE food. The interesting thing is that I've not had to put much thought into the how and why of it all, because since WW cuts your points bit by bit as you go along, by default you start eating a bit less than you used to, unless you just start eating a lot more 0 point food. I have learned to make smarter choices, but I am also eating less food as well. Because of that I will trust that I don't need to fret about this and that I will continue moving toward a place where I am eating less and feeling satisfied without having to be full to the brim.

Earned 9 APs today: 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Not as talkative as usual

A coworker said that to me tonight, and I suppose I have been. I got asked to come in today to cover for someone who is ill, so I never got to exercise today but I got hours which are badly needed. Work has been getting to me lately and when I'm there I suppose I have been in a quiet absorbed mood. The annoying things there are a lot more annoying to me these days and I find myself ruminating too much. Having to go in threw off my mealtimes and even tho I did eat before going in for some reason I felt hungrier than usual today. I guess it probably had to do with me having supper so early yesterday. I also slept lots, later than I usually do. I suppose I'm at that point in my cycle where I want more sleep. I'll have to start trying to keep track of that. I have to go in to work tomorrow afternoon for training, so I guess I'll have to get my exercise in tomorrow evening.