It's Delle!

Someone on the WW boards mentioned they read my blog (news to me, I didn't think anybody stopped by here aside from my best friend!), so I thought I should put a little blurb about me. I made this journal so I can keep track of the things I'm doing and how I'm thinking and feeling as I journey along the road to getting thinner. It's not intended to be written to an audience, it is honestly something I am writing to myself, and I find it so helpful to be able to look back even 4 months ago and see what kinds of things I was many of our experiences in life slip through the cracks, and I want to remember as many of them as I can in relation to my weight loss; the good, the bad, and even the oh so ugly ones!

So many people say they've struggled with their weight for years, but this is not tue for me. I've been overweight from my earliest memories, and morbidly obese all of my adult life, but I was not the type to yo-yo diet, so in that sense I was not struggling. I don't know what my highest weight was because I didn't have a scale to weigh myself when I started getting set to lose weight. In the year before I started WW I started trying to eat less junk food and to get a little activity into my routine. When I started WW I was 288 lbs and wearing a size 22, and I know the year before I was wearing a size 26 (which was tight on me), so I'm guessing I was easily in the low 300 lb-range at my highest weight.

For the first year of my weight loss journey I was incredibly focussed and motivated. I was keeping my weight loss a secret from my family back home in Newfoundland, and my goal was to surprise them on my trip home in July. Needless to say it was quite a shock to a lot of people when I showed up over 100 lbs lighter without any warning!

Right now I am getting back on track after my trip back home. I wasn't following WW for a while due to comp issues, not to mention life issues, and I've gained back some of the weight I had lost. I got away from journalling, but I'm back at it again and am using it to help me get my focus back. I also like using it to keep track of my activity, although I've not had an organised execise regime for a few months now due to an injury. I'm getting back into my activity, however, and I will be updating all my numbers soon.

As I said, I don't write in this blog with an audience in mind, but if anyone had any questions or comments on anything here, please don't hesitate to post!

BTW, the name of my blog came from a comment my supervisor at work made one day when I was in the middle of a full-blown rant about something I had to do that was infuriating me. He interrupted me and said something to the tune of, "Don't worry about it you don't have to do it. And my goodness look at you! Where are you going, everytime I see you, you're smaller! It's crazy, you're the incredible shrinking woman!!" The moment was funny and unexpected and seemed to sum up my life right now, so I came home and re-titled my blog.

Now all I need is a cape...

Monday, March 31, 2008

Fed and watered

It's strange...on Monday mornings at 5:30am when I'm setting about getting ready for work I always feel this sense of happiness that has nothing to do with having to be up at 5:30am to spend a long day at work and everything to do with anticipating the day being over and being able to enjoy my Monday evening. I've noticed that feeling many times, it's almost an excitement to start the day because the sooner I start the sooner I will be home again. It was a busy day because my coworker left ill and I spent the whole day in the dept by myself, but it was still a good day. The time went extremely fast. I was hungry when I got home so I ate right away, even tho I had been contemplating going for a walk since the rain we were supposed to be getting wasn't happening. I'm glad I didn't tho, because I was hungrier than I realised and for some reason I'm chilled to the bone and I would only be colder if I was just getting back from my walk. I'm enjoying being pleasantly full and I'm now contemplating a nice hot soak in the tub. Maybe if I searched I could even find some bubble bath. The only other issue is deciding on what book to bring in there to read. Oh, these taxing Monday night decisions...

Sunday, March 30, 2008

A new look

I decided I wanted a different look for my blog. I liked the old one, but it was better suited to a more personal blog, and I plan to use the template to make one. For this blog however, I wanted something to reflect how I feel about my weight loss efforts. The background I chose is actually called "Motion", which I thought to be an interesting coincidence.

I had a good day, I woke up early, relaxed and caught up on things on the comp, had a great breakfast, did dishes, laundry and then exercised. I'm just doing my weekly Sunday evening routine now before I make supper and retire for the night. My workout was very good, I was able to notice that I am getting stronger, or at least that it is still getting easier to complete. I've not had a sore arse since that time the week before, but I'm still trusting that what I'm doing is having its effects and I'm just continuing on with it. F visited yesterday, we had a staff meeting in the morning and she gave me a ride home then hung out here till she had to work later in the afternoon. There was coffee and doughnuts as usual at the meeting, and as always I wanted to eat yummy doughnuts, and as always I resisted. Even when a coworker tried to convince me to have some, meaning well. F's visit was satisfying on various levels. First of all, the fact that I've been keeping up with my housework meant that it wasn't a problem to have a visitor on no notice. I also made my usual breakfast and ate it without feeling self conscious. I thought she would say that it was rather a lot of food for a sitting, but she argued that she didn't think it was, really. We had a wonderful long chat about this and that, and as always she was always avidly interested in my weight loss and hearing all about the nit pickies and anything noteworthy, and anything not, at that. She has always been so supportive of my efforts, albeit protective and cautious at times, but it's only because she cares and worries sometimes that I might go overboard with things. She said that seeing me at home in my own clothes makes her really realise that my body is now "permanently fundamently different", to use her words. I didn't get her at first, but she finally made me understand that since she usually sees me at work in my uniform, it is harder to see how a person is changing when you see them in their uniform, because the non-changing clothes can mask the changes that are actually there. I'd never thought of it before, but it made a lot of sense to me once I understood what she meant. We also chatted about other things, and for once I was in an open mood, and it was lovely to spend some quality time, we don't get to do that very often any more. We'll have to make more of a point, now that she will be moving. We talked for a bit on the phone this evening, but I was in the middle of exercising so I didn't talk long. She asked me out to our fav restuarant in the city, and I was sorely tempted because the food is so delicious, but I needed to finish exercising, and I don't have any money to eat out anyway, so it wasn't as hard to say no as it might have been. But from then on I was distracted by wanting food from the Mongolian Grill. Which reminds me, yesterday I had the most powerful craving for cheese...real cheese. I came damn close to buying some when I went to the grocery, but I knew that it is costly, pointswise, and I wanted to eat a lot more than I could allot, and with the cost of it, I decided to forego it completely. I'm not often had such strong cravings for food since I've started WW, but that one was as strong as anything could be. I'm feeling it again now to an extent, just thinking about it. I would love to have some cheese and Vienna Sausages on Ritz crackers right now, like I would have back home in the middle of the night for a snack. Even tho cravings are not neessarily happy things, I'm still sitting here smiling a little remembering doing that. Anyhoo, time for me to get sorted; I'm showered and well worked, but I still need to eat. I feel good and strong, I put some extra into it just because I felt motivated and good about what I was doing. I love having my mojo on, I hope the hormones don't get me this month like they did last month, I hate losing it! I also had some extra motivation from weighing this morning and seeing the scale way down from my official WI from Friday. I am interested to see whether it sticks for this week, if it does I will be happy.

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Weekly summary:
Earned 32 APs
8.1 hours (485 min) total activity
4.5 miles (7.2 kms) walked
28 FPs remaining
3.0 lbs gained
Current weight: 209.2

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Oh man...

...can't say much other than that tonight...long day but a good one, spent time with good friends, had fun, didn't get any real activity in cause my arm is still bothering me a bit and I didn't have much time between the other stuff, so I'll do it tomorrow. Time to go be contented.

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking

Friday, March 28, 2008

Buses suck

I spent a lot of time today waiting for buses that never showed up. The worst was when I left work and had to wait 50 min in the cold amongst a hoard of agonisingly annoying teenagers for the next one to come along. I got a hot shower when I got home but I'm still chilled to the bone. It's half past midnight and I just finished supper, and now I have to go to bed because I have to be up before dawn to go in for a stupid staff meeting. I had my WI today and it showed me as being very much up, but I just logged it and went on with my day. I'm seeing a pattern in my progress charts now where every 4 weeks during this week I am up more than others. I guess my Week of No Loss has now become my Week of Big Gain. Whatever, I'm not too fussed, the numbers will move down eventually, besides my activity level will also be slowing things down now. I know I'm not actually gaining fat, my clothes and my measurements tell me so, so I'm just going with it. And now it is time to go to bed.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Someday I'll learn to love these scars

It doesn't look like I'll be finishing with an OP day today. I had a very late supper and because I hate a very late breakfast and didn't have dinner I had an extra large supper meal and now I'm really full and I don't want to eat my dessert which is also my second dairy for the day. I would drink some milk instead, but I only have enough for my cereal in the morning, I'll have to get milk on the way home from work tomorrow night. I missed my dairy last night too because I didn't have time to get it in before a friend picked me up when I was finishing my supper. I feel a little guilty, but everything else was fine food wise, and I did another full day today so I got lots of activity. My left arm is bothering me tonight, I think I strained it a little while doing free weights, I think I got a little sloppy with that arm when doing my chest because I was distracted by the movie I had playing while I exercised. I usually try really hard to keep a proper form, but I'll have to remind myself to be even more careful. I read an article tonight about overtraining and I will be keeping alert for any warning signs, but right now I'm not exeriencing any. I can feel myself getting stronger, the exercises are becoming less difficult. I also fancied I could see a difference in my backside while looking in the mirror today. It was probably my imagination, but I almost dare to think it wasn't. While doing the butt workout I noticed that my flab there high on my backside/low on my back was creasing when I was doing the donkey kicks, and I've never had that sensation before. I know it sounds awful, but there it is. That wasn't as bad as noticing that my stomach flab has gotten even slacker, and while doing certain exercises on my hands and knees, not only do I have a crease going round at my middle, I'm now getting a crease top to bottom when I suck in and/or tighten my abs. Definitely NOT a pretty sight...I had the sudden thought that I must resemble a cow and haven't been able to shake the thought since. Funny how I've lost 80 pounds and have only managed to look MORE like a cow. Still glum over the state of my poor body, and still confident in knowing that it will never deter me one iota from my goals. I can't control my skin or the sag, and I can't control the number I will see on the scale tomorrow. But I do know that when I was showering tonight after my long workout, I felt so good physically, and mentally I was elated at knowing I am getting stronger. I haven't been able to stop flexing my biceps all week, I've gotten some great definition there after my efforts this month, and everytime I look at it I'm thrilled and motivated. My thighs aren't hurting like they had been in previous weeks either, and you can feel the muscle there. I'm excited to see what another month like this one will do!

Earned 11 Aps today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A passionate hour's never a wasted one

Today wasn't what I'd expected. I thought it would be different than it was, but I suppose I should know better by now. I planned to get up early so I could get my exercise in before work, but of course on the days you want to get up earlier than usual, you somehow manage to sleep LATER than you usually do. Even if I'd got up at the normal time that would have been okay, but I sleep in and end up not having time to get it all in. I'm happy I was able to get everything but the WATP in tho, and I wasn't late for work which was a bonus. Too bad most of the customers were pissy and annoying and I'm finishing the day in an unhappy mood. I guess I'm still moody, wish I could get back the way I felt last December. Shame on me, I got used to feeling happy. Now I can't get used to feeling sad. I have to go try to force myself to make supper. I really am not in the mood to eat.

Earned 9 APs today: 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Monday, March 24, 2008

Every thawing heart

It was a decent day. I near froze my arse off waiting for the bus this morning, but thankfully it was warm at work and I was able to thaw out again in an almost timely manner. Monday is always a long day, but it went as quickly as you can really hope for. A former co-worker who comes in sometimes was in the dept to say hi and when he saw me he was full of praise about my appearance, said every time he sees me I'm smaller and he can't get over it. I don't remember if I mentioned it last week but I had two other coworkers mention it last week. When I got dressed the morning after Paddy's Day I felt like I was five pounds lighter from the day before, my clothes seemed to fit differently and everything. Of course I had indulged the night before and had been naughty, but it still felt like a drastic difference in just one day. I suppose I might have been bloated/retaining the day before and was no longer, but I went to work just knowing I would get comments when usually I get none, and sure enough two people commented before the store was even open. I'm finding I'm self conscious when people ask me how much weight I've lost, and I never tell. When I started I remember having a conversation with M about it, and she said how she hated people asking her that and that she never gave a number. At the time I was thinking that personally I would be happy to tell people a number, because I'd be so proud. And yet here I am, not telling anyone who isn't a close friend that I've talked to about WW. Goes to show you don't know sometimes till you actually live it. I am proud, but I don't feel comfortable sharing the number, and I don't exactly understand why. Part of it is liking to maintain some privacy about my life, but it's still so strange. I suppose admitting a number can be hard because it forces you to publically own up to just how overweight you were. When I think about people knowing I'm on WW and how much I've lost exactly I'm always aware of how it will fuel people talking about me 'behind my back'. It would be positive, but I don't like thinking about people talking about me. It's all rather bizarre, maybe I'll understand it another day when I'm not so pleasantly tired.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Love, laugh, and cry with all your heart

It's Chocolate Day, and I have managed to avoid the siren call, however hard it's been. I do so miss chocolate, one of my true vices!

Feeling that wonderful quiet ache in my muscles again. I did another full round, that made three days this week, and while it wasn't easy by any means (especially the free weights), I feel less fatigued afterward than I had been last Wednesday when I did it, so I believe things are going well. If I was overstressing myself, it would be harder as I go, but that first day doing a full round was harder than today so I am not worried. I was initially planning to go two days before another full round, but my work schedule changed for this week, so it looks like I will be doing a repeat on Tuesday after all, because Wednesday will be out now. I'm pleased with this week's activity, very pleased, and if next week goes the same, I will still be able to meet my activity goal for the month, even with those two slack weeks I had. I've not been on the elliptical in weeks, but with these new exercises I've been doing, my quads (more specifically my vastuslateralis) have been constantly achy, so I've stayed off the elliptical in order to give them time to recoop in between times. I'm still not happy with my form whilst doing the lunges tho, or doing the side planks in the pilates workout. Something for me to work on.

Had a decent WI this week, all things considered; I was a very bad girl the night before WI, ended up not having supper because I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. So if I'd been good, I probably would have logged a STS, or near enough. However, I'm keeping in line with my new committment not to let the scale be the end all be all, and I'm not fussing over it. I'm not thinking about the number on the scale and have been thinking instead about my activity numbers, and how so many people mentioned to me this week about how good I'm looking. From here on out I guess every pound worked off will truly make a difference. With this week's WI, officially I am now under the number of 30 lbs to my goal, which suddenly makes it all the more real to me. 28 and some odd pounds to go...that hardly seems real. It's going to take some time to sink in. Numbers in the 20s seem a lot less than numbers in the 30s for some reason...which is probably a huge factor in why I started my journey when I did. I am too aware of the fact that I am on the verge of leaving my 20s behind to enter my 30s, and I want to do it in the best shape that I can be, to offset the turmoil I will be feeling at entering that new decade. 28.2 lbs to goal is only 2 pounds less than 30.2 lbs, but nonetheless, it seems like a LOT less. It also clicked sometime after I updated my stats after WI this week that I am creeping ever close to a huge milestone, namely getting into Onederland. I've not been thinking of that hardly at all, with how focussed I've been on reaching each 10 lb milestone. Suddenly it seems like I am right at the door, without hardly having been thinking of it at all. I definitely got some extremely exciting and motivating milestones not far ahead of me!

My mood is better today than it had been yesterday. Not sure why, exactly, could be any number of reasons. The fact that it is sunday, for one thing. This is my day, after all. I don't have to work, and I don't have to be around people I don't want to be around. The exercise also helps a lot; I find I don't do much thinking when I'm doing exercises other than the WATP, and while I do that I'm still usually thinking positive, motivating thoughts about my journey so far, and getting to goal. I also spent a few hours listening to music earlier today before I exercised (which is why I'm so late tonight finishing up) and that always helps restore some of my equilibrium. I had a moment of clarity about something, and while it's not a happy thing, it helps me understand some of the feelings I've been having. Spring is creeping up on us, a time of rebirth and of things coming to life, it is 8:30pm and it's only now just gone dark outside. There are more things coming to life than the things I see outside, underneath the snow. I came into this year thinking it was going to be mine. I might not be particularly happy now, but I will not give up on that. The pains I am feeling now are unavoidable, and are necessary in order to reach an eventual end. The process might not be particularly pleasant, I might have never intended it, but in order for things to play out to the best case scenario, it is all necessary. All right, enough of being cryptic for one night, time to get sorted and get to bed.

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest.

Weekly summary:
Earned 39 APs
9.8 hours (590 min) total activity
11 miles (17.7 kms) walked
19 FPs remaining
2.0 lbs lost
Current weight: 206.2

Saturday, March 22, 2008

I hate people

Particularly men. WTF is up with males today, they're seriously pissing me off.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm so far from having a thick skin today, I feel like I have no skin at all. I'm unhappy and emotional and not myself today. I almost did something earlier today that would have been seriously vindictive, and I have no idea where it was coming from, all I know is that I wanted to do it so badly. When I look in the mirror all I can think is how fat I am. I'm having nightmares again. I don't understand why I'm feeling like this when my period ended days ago. I should not be having these inexplicable mood swings at this time of the month. If I didn't know better I'd think TOM was mere days away. I've noticed this on other months since WW, I'm starting to wonder whether my normal cycles are changing. I think I'll go stark raving mad if I have to deal with the hormones before AND after my period, it just isn't fair. If I'm going to start being hormonal after my period I should no longer have to be hormonal before, but I was insanely hormonal before this period so I don't see evidence of that. I was so short tempered when I got into work, not helped by having to go in early and not having time to make dinner to take with me, and I was all ready to be angry about finding out we're having a store meeting next weekend when I thought I was free and had made plans, and I come face to face with D and before I can even get started on a really good rant and head of steam, he just says, "But that's okay, because you won't be there, you have plans. And my goodness, look at you, I can't believe where this weight is going, everytime I see you now it's just insane it blows my mind, you're the incredible shrinking woman!" And that was enough to get me laughing and instantly snap my bad mood in half and end my rant before it could even get started. How I love that man. I'd just been feeling upset over something that pissed me off 10 min ago, and just remembering that made me smile and feel better. Okay I'm done for the night, I want this fucked up day to be over.

Friday, March 21, 2008

The never-fading rain in your heart

I am loving the new album by Nightwish.

It's snowing again, been snowing for hours. I loved having everything clear and here we are again with snow down. I would have loved to be able to go for a walk tomorrow. As it is I did another full round of exercise today, despite still being sore. It was hard, but no harder than it was for me when I was getting back into it after being ill. I'm not sure if I'm pushing too hard, I plan to do a repeat on Sunday, but I will change those plans if my body seems unable to handle it. I'm tired tonight and enjoying it again, it is pleasant for muscles to feel so worked. I need to watch myself tho and make sure I don't start wearing myself down by doing too much. I want to get stronger, not burn myself out. If my energy levels start slacking then I will need to tone things down, but for now I'm going to keep going with this week's plan. I don't mind achy muscles as long as I have lots of energy, but if I start feeling fatigued then I know that's a warning sign. I ate basically all my APs today, I want to make sure I get enough fuel. I'm also being very careful this week about getting at least two servings of protein in each day, got to repair those achy muscles after all! The problem is that my afternoon protein comes from beans of some kind, and having gotten away from beans for quite a while there, now that I'm having them every day I'm having to cope with various side effects. The one that bothers me most is that I've been having bouts of heartburn in the late afternoon. It was really bad on two particular days, and those two days I'd had red kidney beans, first time in a couple months at least. I'm thinking that if they're going to do that to me then I won't be buying them any more. I had chick peas today instead but ate everything else the same, and felt okay. I'm not too bothered tho, I've never been fond of red kidney beans, it's just that they're convenient. I'll have to see how mixed beans go. I don't want to be having heartburn, especially bad like that, it actually made me have to stop exercising for a while the other day till it went away. It feels really weird now when something isn't right with my body, and I've been wondering if my body goes from day to day now without anything out of the ordinary causing problems and making issues and whether I've just gotten used to that. Would be wonderful, if it were true.

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Speak now

I figured I'd better post now because I doubt I'll get around to it later. Cancelled plans with one person led right into plans with someone else, and I think by the time my friend leaves and I get supper I'll probably be too brain dead to think. I was up too late last night and up too early this morning, but it was a good day. I'm sore today, but best of all is that my ASS is sore!!! It's been bothering me that the exercises I've been doing to target my backside haven't seemed to be having any kind of effect, but yesterday I tried doing it a little differently, wondering if it was my form, and lo and behold today my arse hurts! I kept squeeing at work this morning every time I bent over or squated or backed up because it would make my glutes ache and I loved knowing that I finally did something to specifically target them. Plus D was back from Vay Cay and working a shift with him was like a vacation for me. I just got back from a river walk, my first in ages, and I am sooo glad I went. It was the most perfect walk, cold enough to be comfortable walking in a bunch of layers, the river was full of ice and there were no people to bug me. I listened to the new Nightwish album that I'd not heard yet, and it was a perfect combination. I didn't push myself to move fast because I'm sore, I just enjoyed the movement and the wind on my face and it was so refeshing. I'm tired now but I feel so pleasant. I know I'm going to sleep like a dead thing tonight after all this exercise and fresh air on little sleep. Thank god I don't have to work tomorrow!

Earned 6 APs today: 90 min brisk walking

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Me and my M we go mmm, mmm, mmm!

Oh my god do I ever feel incredible right now. I'm deliciously fed and watered, had lots of great sleep last night, and got loads of awesome activity in today. I worked all day Monday and Tuesday, so I didn't have the chance to exercise. For some strange reason tho I felt so achy yesterday, especially in my hips, you'd have thought I worked out in a serious way the day before, instead of not having had a good workout for days. Last week was bad for exercise, but I was right when I blamed TOM, and I'm glad now that I just let myself ride the mood and didn't fret about it, because I definitely have my exercise mojo back in full swing. I did all my activity today what I normally split over two because with my work schedule this week that will work out better for me. I wasn't sure how that would go, but I enjoyed myself and physically I feel soo excellent tonight. I have this quiet ache in my muscles and it feels so good. Depending on the weather tomorrow, I would like to try getting a walk in tomorrow afternoon after work, but aside from that there will be no activity tomorrow, and I plan to do a repeat of today's workout on Friday, and again on Sunday. It's a lot to do in one day, but I'm hoping it will go well. The thing is, you can't really tell until you see how you recover in between. Friday might be difficult, depending on how my body feels after today. I have noticed the last two times I worked my core that it was easier than it had been when I started. After the last time I spent quite a bit of time fretting that that must mean I hadn't done the workout properly, but after today I'm thinking it just means I'm getting stronger. It just seems like I've not done it often enough to be seeing results this quickly, but I guess our bodies can surprise us. I'm really looking forward to being able to do the pushups more properly, I really struggle with this. It will be so exciting when I can do them well and quickly, I wonder how long it will take me. It's so pleasant to be sitting here in the quiet and pondering such things in my nice clean and tidy flat. I've been doing so well at keeping up on the housework, it does wonders for my disposition to have a tidy space and an ordered kitchen. TOM left in the night and I'm so relieved to be myself again!

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 15 min chest, 40 min biceps/triceps

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Just a ploy to touch girlflesh

I'm not motivated to journal tonight so I will play catchup tomorrow. I need to go back and post last week's summary, I'll do it tomorrow and back date it. It's been a very long day and I just want to relax and not think. I'm very achy and I have no idea why. Wish I had someone to rub me.

Sunday, March 16, 2008



Earned 5 APs today: 70 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 14 APs
3.5 hours (210 min) total activity
8.5 miles (13.7 kms) walked
27 FPs remaining
2.8 lbs lost
Current weight: 208.2

Saturday, March 15, 2008

One month

Wow, this week turned out to be such a bust, I can't believe I only have 9 APs so far. The good news is that I went through today feeling better emotionally than I had been after having that issue sorted out last night, and my period started at work this evening which has probably also contributed to my improved mood and state of mind. My periods have been short in the last few months, so I'm hoping that next week I will be back on track and motivated and energetic again. I've been perfectly OP, and have been eating extremely well, but it's the exercise that has eluded me this week. I worked a lot of inconveniently-timed shifts, and that didn't help either. On Friday morning I had to get up early for work, after having had a very late supper the night before because I'd worked late. I was a tiny bit tempted to wait and WI today, because I knew the late meal would hide my real weight, but I'm determined to keep to the schedule and to not fall into that way of thinking again. So I hopped on the scale and saw it tell me a gain from last week, and I hopped back off and got ready for work. I'm proud of that, but the thing is that I'm not used to weighing then getting ready for work directly afterward, and I forgot to go online and track my weight. I remembered that this morning, but before I went online I weighed myself and saw it tell me I'm down almost 3 pounds from last week. I debated for quite a while, then went online and tracked the number I saw yesterday, because if I hadn't forgot to track it, that would have been the number I would have recorded, and seeing a lower one today wouldn't have changed it. I don't want to create the temptation to WI on Friday, then wait and see what Saturday's number is before I officially track. BUT, it occurred to me later that being that strict might be doing myself a disservice, because eating to a higher weight can mean eating more points, which is probably the case this week. So I've decided to go back and change the number I recorded to the one I saw for today, and I will see tomorrow night when I retake the points quiz whether I will be dropping down another DP, which I expect I will. If I do drop, that will mean that by eating my DPs I would have eaten 7 extra points this upcoming week, which is actually a lot. I've been trying to leave a certain amount of FPs unused each week now since I'm working less, to account for working part time hours at an active job, and I don't want to be wondering whether I should have left enough to account for the 7 I might have used up thinking I had enough DPs to cover it. I think I showed myself that I am serious about not playing games with the scale, but it would be just another type of game if I became strict to the point that I just sabatoged myself for no good reason. WW is a balancing game in so many ways; you can't play it too conservative because you can mess things up, but being too lax will mess it up too. Let me tell you, nothing is ever easy!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Hitler rally

That's what one of my coworkers in the warehouse calls the morning staff meeting at the store. I know the ab workouts must be doing something because whenever he says it I lose it and the laughing hurts. This morning I didn't see him right away when I got in, and the meeting started while I went about getting the pre-opening work finished up. He was across the store, up on the lift bringing down boxes from the high shelves when the group up front started doing the usual morning yelling and cheering we have to do, and he called out to get my attention and when I looked over at him he did the Hitler salute and I nearly wet myself, that shit's too funny. Mostly because it's true.

TOM is having his way with me, the reprehensible toerag. I suppose there might have been times I felt less like exercising than I did this evening, but I swear I can't remember any. I forced myself to do WATP, and I came within a hair of stopping a dozen times in the first 10 minutes. I have NEVER quit exercise before I finished it. I made myself see it through, but it was the hardest thing ever. I ended up not doing any more, my morale was at an all time low. It just hasn't been a good week for me, I've had things on my mind and one thing in particular was getting me down. I thought I'd possibly offended a friend, and I think I would have been able to force myself to keep exercising, but it was nagging at me and when I finished the dvd I called the friend and we talked about it and got everything straightened out and afterward I just got supper and had a long hot shower to try and wash off the week. I've really not felt myself the past couple of days, I can't wait till my period starts and I can get my mojo back. I hate feeling so....mojoless.

Earned 2 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile)

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Frig it

This day turned out nothing like I wanted it to. I couldn't seem to wake up and after breakfast I went back to bed and slept and slept and ended up not exercising before work. I just had no morale for anything. I'd thought I might get some in when I got home tonight, but I was asked to work in the morning, so I came home and had supper and now I'm about to go to bed. I hope my period starts soon, I'm blaming my day on TOM, the bastard.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Keep me warm

It was a long day at work. There was so much to do, and I more or less ran out of energy and morale later in the afternoon. I was hoping I might feel up to exercising when I got home, but it was getting up on 8:30 and I didn't want to have such a later supper as I would be if I worked out for 90 min. I'm going to try and double my workout time tomorrow if I can, do today's bit and tomorrow's too. I'll see how I'm feeling, anyway. I have to work later in the afternoon, and I know I won't be able to exercise when I get home. My abs weren't hurting today, and I've been fretting that maybe I didn't do the ab workout right yesterday. I don't know how I could go from hurting for days last week to practically no hurting at all this week. Makes no sense to me. I hate thinking that maybe I slacked while doing it. I know it certainly hurts like hell DURING...I just don't know. Time will tell. I'm chilled for some reason, and feeling down. I suppose I'm hormonal, I've been up and down so swiftly these days, it's making me weary. I hate getting taken by surprise by some thought or memory when I'm trying so hard to be okay. Hopefull TOM will show up in the next few days. I think I'll take a hot shower, then maybe I'll watch some comfort food.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The time has now talk of many things's too bad I can't find the words.

It was a productive day overall. I got my laundry done, and went up the street to run errends. I got some good activity in, too. I was out of mushrooms, so I stopped in to the grocery nearby to see if they had any. There has been a sign up saying it is under new management, and when I was there last week to buy croutons because I was out, I noticed the produce section was shockingly stocked and nice-looking. The place has been crap for so long now that I figured it must be a mistake somehow, and I left. But here it is a week later, and the shelves were STILL shockingly stocked and nice-looking. It looks like I'll be able to do some shopping there again, which would be a huge relief. I desperately need to be able to buy freggies close by and not have to depend on someone to drive me, or on having to walk 45 min both ways in the snow and ice everywhere this winter. I pay more there, but the convenience is probably worth it. It would be so good to be able to just walk there and get something when I run out. I need my fresh freggies!

I took more progress pics today. I think I would have forgotten I'd planned to do it only for I re-read last night's post and was reminded. I think I might have seen a little tiny difference from last month's pics even, which would be the first time I'd seen a difference from one month to the next. The difference from the first ones is satisfying. I spend a lot of time, particularly when exercising, thinking about reaching goal, and seeing my family this summer. Last night I dreamed I suddenly found myself home, I went home for some important unknown reason, and all I could think was how it was too soon and how I've been so wanting to surprise them. I was also hoping they wouldn't notice I'm different. I've had similar dreams a few times, it really emphasises to me how important it is to me to surprise them. It is such a huge motivator for me, and it makes me feel so good to think about it. I know they are going to be so happy, and I love knowing that something I've been working so hard at is going to make them so happy for me. Most of the women on the boards have friends and family around them while they're losing weight, but I've been mostly alone. I don't have a husband and kids, my family aren't around me. My life has gotten very solitary. I'm very aware lately of the quiet in my life.

Earned 7 APs today: 20 min brisk walking, 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 45 min shoulders

Monday, March 10, 2008

I seemed to have misplaced an X

Today wasn't the greatest, physical-wise. I was shakey and just felt off for most of the morning, which was the price I paid for my lack of discipline yesterday. I could have forced myself to eat supper, but by the time I got around to it, I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. I woke up hungry tho, and I didn't feel very strong today. Everything has a price. I just finished my supper, and if I had more food I would eat it, but I know I just need to let my body sort out what it has, and the hungry feeling will pass. The funny this is that I gypped myself out of my FPs for last week when I goofed off yesterday; my points reset Monday and the FPs I'd been saving for yesterday are gone forever. Oh well, I'll save them again and this Sunday I will try harder to be disciplined. I weighed this morning and the scale is showing me as down over 8 lbs from 8 days ago. I guess there had been a lot of bloating/retaining going on. Of course, the number will be suspect because I didn't have a supper meal yesterday. Still, I fancy I can see a difference in the mirror lately. I've said more than once that now that I'm getting closer to goal that the losses are going to show up more dramatically, and yet it's still surprising to suddenly be feeling like I am changing a lot more quickly. I discussed it with F at work today and she said I could probably fit into an L workshirt, so before I left I managed to dig the last one out of the bin and brought it home with me. I tried it on as soon as I got home and was absolutely thrilled to death to see that I'll be able to wear it just fine, and that it looks good on me. I'm excited to wear it on my next shift, I bet someone will comment, because the XL shirt I've been wearing has gotten pretty baggy and has hidden my real shape to an extent. Unfortunately I think it makes me boobs look smaller, but I don't mind as long as the rest of me looks smaller too. I feel a little surreal tonight because I'm trying to absorb the reality that my body truly is different. I'll probably take progress pics tomorrow, I'm looking forward to seeing whether I can notice a difference from last month's pics.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Let's get to the don't know how it feels to be me..

I was a bad girl today...but it is Sunday. So I missed today, but I never went over, anyway. I was good all week. I may have skimped one day, but I never splurged.

It is my day. It is MY DAY.

Earned 5 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 40 min free weights (upper body)

Weekly summary:
Earned 24 APs
6 hours (360 min) total activity
8.5 miles (13.7 kms) walked
30.5 FPs remaining
4.6 lbs lost
Current weight: 211

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Mum's the word

I'm not feeling particularly talkative tonight. It was a long day, normally I start work late on Saturdays but I went in early to cover, so it was a much longer shift than usual. I was thinking I might exercise beforehand, but it would have cut me really close time-wise, and I was tired and not up to rushing, so I rested instead. Literally rested, in bed and everything. I didn't sleep, but sort of almost dozed. It felt really nice. Tonight I'm tired again, and I'm looking forward to sleeping. Sunday is usually a day for lots of activity for me, but I don't have anything specific planned, I'll just play it by ear. It's good to feel tired, bed is going to be so sweet.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Need my bed

This will be my last act of the day. I was late getting home from work because the bus was late and made me miss my transfer. It is COLD tonight and I was actually in pain by the time I got the next one. Came right home and instead of finishing my exercise for today (never had time for the weights before I had to leave for work) instead I got into a very warm bath and thawed out. I actually had supper at the store, but I had points left over so I had a snack of porridge and a glass of milk. Very satisfying and soothing after an aggravating ride home (teenagers DIE!). I have a long day at work tomorrow and I am very tired. Bed now.

Earned 4 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 30 min core and lower body

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Though this feeling I can't change

Definitely not one of my happiest days ever, but I did well in spite of it. The work/money situation is getting to me, and F called with her good news and afterward I just cried for an hour. I didn't want to eat and I didn't want to do anything, but I forced myself to eat and I also got my activity in and while I don't necessarily feel better, I'm glad that I stayed on track and didn't let my bad habits take the day over. My thighs and my abs are still aching so I just did my dvd and free weights today. If I'm still too sore tomorrow I'll have to do it on Saturday and Sunday, but I'd like to get it in the next two days if possible. I suppose I might have to do it once a week to begin with, but I would prefer to avoid that if I can. Either way it's a good thing I started focussing on the areas I felt were neglected, because they very obviously have been, as sore as they are now.

Earned 5 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 40 min upper body (shoulders)

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Take me where I cannot stand

I ache in a few places I never knew I had, which is amusing. I can't make my mind up whether it is my hips or perhaps my obliques that are bothering my sides, right where my hands rest when I stand with hands on hips. I'm aware I have abs, and how much I use them without normally realising. My thighs gripe at me constantly whenever getting down or up or moving to and fro. And yet I can move, so I deem yesterday a success. I was thinking I would get on the elliptical on the days I'm not working my core, but the soreness of my thighs today told me that elliptical should be done on the same day I do the lunges, so that was out today. I'm not committing myself to anything specific tomorrow, I'll wait and see if I'm capable of doing a repeat of yesterday. I groan when I think of working my abs, but I'll have a night of sleep and tomorrow morning to recuperate, so who knows. If I'm still too achey then I will wait till the weekend and just start off two alternating days a week instead of three. I managed 10 girly pushups today and while that might not seem like a lot to most, I was still rather elated; I've never been able to manage more than a couple. I also did 10 triangle pushups which was just as exciting, on the heels of the other. I also tried out an idea I had to compensate for not having a weight bench, and was able to do free weights to work my pecs, which is awesome. Again I'm looking forward to tomorrow and the promise of more activity, in whatever form. I climbed on the scale this morning and it is showing me down, and that made me happy at first, then I wondered if that was a bad thing...does that mean I am getting caught up in the number? But then I realised that it doesn't matter if I get happy to see the scale down, what matters is how I handle the STSs and the gains. I gave myself permission to be happy to be down, because I do not let it affect me when it is doing something else. I also gave myself permission to be happy because I did not have to fool myself to see that number; I saw it without shifting meal times and trying to bring it about. It was simply there. And if it hadn't been, I would have went about my day in the exact same way. I can't pretend I am not trying to lose weight, and I can't pretend not to care about the number on the scale and want it to go down, but being happy about a number and letting myself become obsessed with it are two different things, and I am winning that battle.

Earned 6 APs today: 20 min brisk walking, 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 40 min upper body

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

You can't take the sky from me

I've had a very quiet day. I didn't have to work, and I had no good reason to go outside, so I simply didn't. I woke up at a fairly decent hour, and was hungry immediately, so I had a very early breakfast for me for a day I'm not working. Normally I have to be awake for a couple of hours before I have an appetite for my first meal. I was happy to be hungry tho, and I was glad to get out of my warm bed and go eat. I spent the rest of the morning planning out a new exercise regime, and started it in the afternoon. I still have some things to figure out, a lot of it will depend on how my body handles what I'm doing. I've been exercising my upper body and I do so much cardio on my feet that my legs get exercise by default, but I sat down today and made note of the specific areas I've been neglecting, and researched what specific exercises I can do at home to target them. I'm mostly concerned with my core, and I found a couple of great short workout vids online that I plan to alternate, to begin with. They both tackle the core, one is more about Abs and crunches, the other has more of a pilates slant. I figure I have to alternate them because they both work the core and are similar in a lot of ways, and I don't think it would be smart to start off doing both on the same day. I also found a vid that targets the glutes, and along with that I'm going to be using some additional exercises to try and tone up my backside. Throw in some exercises for my back, my hips, my chest, and some exercises to give me additional work on my thighs, shoulders and triceps, and a new exercise regime is born! I've decided to break up the hour long session I've been doing with free weights, because with the additional shoulder and tricep, I think it is way too much to be doing at one time. I will do shoulders on a different day than biceps and triceps now, on the same day I do the new exercises for my core, and lower body. That is the day I did this afternoon. The other alternating days will be for biceps and triceps, introducing the additional tricep exercises, and also chest, I am thinking. I also think I will use those days to get in some elliptical, and I've not quite sorted out when I will do my WATP. I will start off alternating it somehow, perhaps to go up to including it every day, I'm not sure. I'm starting off slowly and am keeping flexible. I'm feeling good tonight after my efforts this afternoon, definitely sore in various places, but only so that I feel it without it hindering my movement or being distractingly painful. I will wait and see as I go along how my body will react before I make decisions about how much I should be doing. I want to work my muscles, not cripple myself constantly. Burn is one thing, pain is another. I've decided not to attempt yoga again for a while after being so sore in the days after the last time. I'm thinking maybe after spending March in this new regime. My back bothered me the worst, I'm hoping if I can make some improvement there the yoga will not be so taxing. I also need a proper mat before I can attempt it and I don't have money for it. I'm looking forward to getting a new routine down and determining how many reps of what I will be doing. Today I stuck to 10 of everything and I will go on from there. Some things I know I will increase, others I know I will keep at 10 for a while. The lunges in particualr were hard, and my left knee twinged alarmingly when I tried the first one on that leg. After my brief hiatus from exercise due to illness my left knee seemed to get better. It had bothered me a long time doing the crouches in WATP, and I was starting to wonder if it was always going to be like that. Perhaps I should wear a brace on it when I exercise, it seems weak, the stupid thing. But all that aside, I'm very happy with today, back when I started exercising lunges were entirely too difficult for me, as were the tricep exercises without the free weights. I didn't use them because I knew it would be better to wait and in time I would be able to do them. They're still really hard, but at least I'll be able to do a set, even of 10. It's nice to know I've been progressing, and I'm excited to think of toning my body up. Maybe I will start to actually see the effects on my body in time, instead of just feeling stronger. When I was in the shower I was thinking ahead to the end of the summer and squeeing at the thought of the shape I could be in by then if I stay disciplined. How incredibly awesome it woujld be to go home all buff and toned and slim!!

Earned 4 APs today: 15 min core, 40 min shoulders, 15 min lower body

Monday, March 3, 2008

Cold and dreary

It was a really long day at work. I started off well and felt reasonably rested for a Monday when I left, but after I ate my dinner the day dragged and dragged. It was raining when I left, and of course today would be the first time in forever that the bus didn't get me downtown in time to get my transfer, and I had to stand in the rain and cold and wait for the next one. I've been home a couple of hours and I still feel chilled. I think a hot bath might be in order, my outsides are warm but my bones aren't. I was hungry when I left work and made supper as soon as I got home. I was thinking I would get a little exercise in this evening, but I changed my mind on that this morning when I realised I did something to my right hip yesterday, and it hurt to walk all day. Nothing major by any means, but it is definitely a strain and not muscle burn, so I definitely should leave it alone for a day. I'm hoping it will feel well enough tomorrow that I can get activity in. My digestion has been off, and I've been feeling crampy and bloated for days now, something which probably contributes to the time going slowly at work. I've cut my morning bran flakes down to 1 cup from 2, and I'm wondering now whether I should increase it again. It's unbelievable to me that I should go through this when I eat so much vegetables every day!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

8 months

It occured to me this afternoon while I was doing my WATP that I have been on WW for 8 months. Eight months ago today I started counting points religiously. Eight months ago today I committed myself fully to a new lifestyle. Eight months ago today I made a choice to give up most of the food I was eating and accepted that if I were to eat them again, it would be in an extremely controlled way and only in severe moderation. Eight months ago I accepted that my life would never be the same again.

And it hasn't, either.

I have absolutely no idea why it struck me so hard today. I have never before placed importance on an 8-month anniversary. The fact that I am struck by the significance of today when I have never really noted an 8-month anniversary before is interesting, because I do mark anniersaries, and suffer from anniversary symptoms. Usually it is the 9-month mark that occassions more notice, but for some reason when I realised it today, it just seem suddenly so close to the 1 year mark, so much more closer than 7 months. Ah, who knows. Maybe it is just the mood I am in today (whatever THAT is, exactly). I don't know how to describe how I am feeling, exactly. I am struck by the passage of time, and how a goodly chunk of time has passed since I started. It seems like no time at all. How strange to think that 'no time at all' will pass again, before I am at goal. So many women on the boards talk about how they have tried to adopt a new lifestyle, only to fall out of it sooner or later. I've been doing this for 8 months, and I have been doing so well. It's almost hard to say that, that I have been doing so well. But it is the truth, and me saying that is not vanity, nor boasting, nor will it jinx anything. When I started WW and committed to a new lifestyle, I was filled with an all-consuming sense of surity and confidence in what I was doing, and that has never waivered once, not once in the past 8 months. But even so, way way way way down deep there has been something, not a doubt, per se, but more a sense of curiousity, as to whether I would ever start to struggle at some point, whether or not I went OP (which I have never truly believed I would...thus the sense of surity and confidence). I have always known that I have made this committment and I will stick to it and never look back, but that is not the same as going through rough times, where things are much harder even as you keep following the plan and staying committed. I think today struck me so much because I have gone this long without any huge bumps in the road. It is a long time to have stayed OP to such a degree. I know this because I visit the WW boards faithfully every day and I have heard so so many stories and so many different people talking about their experiences. What we're doing is not easy; it is no small thing to change a lifetime of living and habits. So many people struggle. One thing that I have noticed on my favorite board on the site is that many of the regulars, or long-timers, have bee struggling this winter. These are women who have been on the program over a year, and who have all lost over 100 lbs so far. They are an incredible bunch of women, and I admire all of them very much. They have come so far, and right now many of them are struggling. I don't know why, heck, they don't know why, but I read every post with interest and the desire to learn from their experiences. I do not take the attitude of "that will NEVER happen to me!", but instead I try to learn so maybe I can avoid the same situations. I know without a fact that one of the reasons I have done so well so far is because I visit the boards daily, and I soak up every scrap of insight they share greedily. There have been many little bumps for me along the way that might have been mountains otherwise, if I had not been expecting them, and had prepared myself for them and how I could deal with them. Similarily, I am preparing myself for the possibility that after a year on the program, things might not actually get easier, which one might expect after being so long OP and having gotten so well into the swing of things. The truth seems to be that once you start getting closer to goal, people start getting sucked into complacency, and it is a very vicious trap to fall into, albiet unassuming. They al speak of getting comfortable, and not having the same zeal, of not being motivated the same way to be disciplined. Not once have I thought this will never happen to me, I am not so arrogant as to think I am different in some way. I do like to think that if I am aware of it, that I can increase my chances of avoiding this trap because I can set myself up properly so that I can be prepared to deal with the issue of complacency when it inevitably comes up. I want to be alert for signs of it, and I want to stamp it out where ever I recognise it in my life. Motivation is something we can create for ourselves, and discipline is a choice. As long as I keep my goals and my priorities forefront in my mind, then I will be less likely to allow myself to start slipping into the trap of complacency. And I am very aware of how easy it is for me right now with my current life circumstances. I can only imagine how hard it is to make these choices when one's life is consumed by a family and a full time job and all the rest that goes along with it. When my life changes it will be even more important to keep these things in mind.

I did in fact log my gain for today, and WHAT a gain! Even after all my posturising yesterday, I STILL struggled with the temptation today not to WI, to wait till tomorrow, to not eat or drink anything today until I got down to a STS. I've all but decided to change my WI day to Friday, because I like to use my FPs on the weekend, but I still decided to log my weight today and not just wait till Friday. All I could think was how my weight tracker will show a blank week if I didn;t log today, and I have not had that since I got my own scale. I want to be completely honest with myself, that is something that has always been a priority for me, perhaps the most important one, and yet along this journey I have allowed myself to hedge on this issue. I have allowed myself to try and fool myself. A woman on the WW boards made a post on her blog last year that I never forgot. She is a wonderful person and one of my favorites of the regulars there. She talked about how so many of us try to fool ourselves and play a numbers game. Her name is Deborah and her website is This is what she said:

Day 19 is all about not fooling yourself. Do I ever know all about that! All kinds of things like “it doesn’t count because it’s so small”, or “I can have just one, it’s no big deal” etc…etc. There’s a list of these thoughts in the book, and I can relate to at least half of them. The truth is, everything counts. It’s all calories that are contributed to my total daily intake. If I am going to have a mini chocolate bar, or a donut, or even a piece of fruit, I must count it towards my daily points.

Like the last day, there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot I can actively do here, except ponder the idea. I must try to keep in mind that every bite counts. I did start thinking of other ways we fool ourselves. It drives me absolutely nuts when people on the WW boards share their “WI strategies”, such as not exercising on the day of their WI, or not drinking water. Basically these people try to fool themselves into thinking they’ve lost ore fat than they have, or they forfeit a day of healthy living just so they
can please themselves with a number on the scale. Hell, even I know that if I live healthily for a week and lose 5 pounds, I can’t have lost 5 pounds of actual fat. I like to have an accurate number on the scale, sure. That’s why I weigh in on Monday morning, stark naked, after doing all my bathroom business. I know that people who weigh in at meetings don’t all have the naked option, nor can hey all weigh in first thing in the morning. But if I had an evening WI, I’d go about my business as usual during the day.
I have definitely adopted the habit of pleasing myself with a number on the scale. I have been so smug when I look at my numbers going oh so steadily downward. I have revelled in how the slope of my weight loss rate has been a consistent downward number. And there have definitely been WI days where I didn't eat my first meal until afternoon, just so I could log that number, because I had had a late supper the night before, or my digestion was off, and I was waiting till I could make that influential trip the loo. I have not wanted to say that out loud, but something has come over me yesterday and today, and I do not want to be the fool Deborah talks about. Since the beginning I have not wanted to turn this into something unhealthy, have not wanted to fall into unhealthy habits or thought processes...because it is very possible to be unhealthy while never ever going over one's DPs and exercising faithfully every day. I have allowed myself to pretend that what I was doing is not a big deal, and let it continue. But I am making the choice now not to let it continue. Logging that gain today was a sign of my committment to being healthy, and to not letting a number on a scale dictate my life. If I am hungry as soon as I wake up on WI day, I should give myself the freedom of going ahead and eating, and not waiting to see what the scale says before I decide when to eat. If I have to eat a late supper the night before, I should do so, and not think about what the scale will say. Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want the scale to go down. But this is a lifestyle change, and this is forever. My behaviours are more important than numbers. And if I concentrate on the behaviours, the numbers will cooperate in time. I am getting too caught up lately in wanting it to happen quickly, because I have gotten used to the rate of loss I have shown in my first 7 months. I have said it more than once...this is not a race. But I have let myself secretly get into the mindset of treating it like one. I can choose to let that continue, or I can choose to fess up to it and stop. I am going to stop. I have been paying lip service to some very important tenents of my new lifestyle up to now, and from this day onward I am going to make a real effort to be compeltely honest with myself, and to more fully live the lifestyle I have been talking about. I am also choosing not to feel shame. There are always growing pains.

I got my activity in today, and I am very pleased with how the week has gone. There have been more days than I would normally like since last Sunday that I have not been OP, and I want to change that in this upcoming week. But nonetheless I am still really happy with this week, and especially my activity. Excersising has been hard since the chest cold; I have to push myself to finish once I start because it is more difficult than I am used to. When I was doing my free weights today I was feeling so tired that I just wanted to stop, and it wasn't muscle fatigue so much as it was just plain tiredness, even tho I had gotten a good amount of sleep last night, and normally would not feel that way. I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep, and I hate that feeling. It has happened a few times while exercising, normally after a period of physical stress like illness. I was unhappy because I had hoped I would feel better now, late in the week, but thankfully after I finished my time on the elliptical I had gained that familiar feeling of strength and contentment, and it did me a world of good to feel it. That is how I am used to feeling when I exercise, and I hate those few times when I just feel so much more tired. It was a big reinforcer to experience that feeling of being vitalised, and I sincerely hope it will stick with me from here on out. Recovering from illness is frustrating, and I hope I am getting back to normal. I am planning to revamp my exercise regime somewhat this week, and I hope I can maintain that feeling of physical and mental satisfaction throughout.

I think it's important before I sign off to reiterate to myself why exactly I am so proud of how this week went:

  • I made a committment to get three days of free weights in, and I did that
  • I earned 32 APs coming off a period of illness and inactivity, showing once again that I can get back into exercise after being away from it for a short time
  • 4 days out of this week I did not use any FPs at all, and since I am now on 31 DPs, that is very significant, primarily because I am used to eating a lot of APs. Being able to get by on just my DPs for so many days is an accomplishment, and helps me see that I am able to adjust and get by with less than I have been used to, which is such an important skill to have, as I get further into my journey and am ever faced with a decreasing DP allottment
  • I exercised even tho it was hard
  • While I had days this week where I was not OP, I was in no way grossly off plan; the days I did not meet all the guidelines, I only missed one requirement (eg., missined 1 dairy for the day, or 1 oil), and in basically every case it was me deciding last minute that I was full after supper and did not want to eat anything else. I had accounted for the guidelines each time, which would have resulted in an OP day if I had not been satisfied, with the exception of the day I missed the oil.
  • I got on the ellipitical on Saturday before work, something I have never done before
  • I signed up for the monthly activity challenge and will sign up for the monthly OP challenge too
  • I could have eaten out on Friday, but I chose not to, because I knew I had not planned for it, plus I had planned to go right home and exercise that day, and if I ate out there was no way I would come home and exercise.
  • I logged a gain.

Earned 12 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 60 min free weights, 40 min elliptical

Weekly summary:
Earned 32 APs
6 hours (360 min) total activity
6 miles (9.7 kms) walked
14 FPs remaining
4.6 lbs gained
Current weight: 215.6

Saturday, March 1, 2008

A fresh month

It seems insane to me that we're starting a new month already. February was not a good month for me overall, and frankly I'm rather glad it's over and done with. I spent basically the whole of the month sick and half of it unhappy and it's all but left a bad taste in my mouth. The only reason it hasn't is because I couldn't control a lot of the bad stuff, and the negative things were just fall out of what I couldn't necessarily control. I only got 10 days of activity in for the month, and that is depressing, but there was a whole week I did nothing but work my two shifts and the rest I spent in bed. The chest cold I am now all but over really did a number on me. I'm glad I took a break from the exercise and didn't push myself. It was worth it if it helped me get better more quickly. I'm feeling pretty good physically right now, just a little weak, still. When I exercise now it's a little harder than it normally is, and I feel the strain much sooner. This week tho I have been pushing to do it and have persevered so far. Today I wanted to start the month off on the right foot, and I got some elliptical in before I went in for work, which was a first for me. Normally I save it for later, because I sweat so much and unless I have time to wash my hair I haven't wanted to go to work after elliptical. I also told myself that it would be too hard to be on my feet walking around all shift after high intensity exercise. But today after some debate I just decided to do it, and said to hell with the excuses. I just my normal time on it in half, that was all I had time for, but I think that was smart anyway, as I did have to be on my feet all shift, after all. My hair was a little frizzy when I left for work, but oh well, it has definitely looked the same on other ocassions, due to lack of sleep/time, so no worries. I could feel my thigh muscles at work, they were a litle fatigued, but nothing to bother me, so I'm really happy that I pushed myself and did it, because I knew I wouldn't want to exercise when I got home from work, especially since I tire so much more easily these days. I think I might try getting activity in during the mornings for a time and see how that works for me. I know I felt good leaving for work knowing I already had my activity in. I want to make this month a good one for activity, I want to have a better month than last one. I wasn't going to sign up for the activity challenge this month on the WW boards, but at last minute today I decided I would. I stopped posting about halfway through the month, after having made it one of my not-resolutions in January. I don't know if I will start posting on the OP thread again at least, I haven't made my mind up yet. I just felt I wasn't contributing anything special, because my days are all the same. I was also hoping I would connect with people, but I just ended up feeling invisable, which is the opposite of what I was trying to achieve when you get down to it. I wanted to feel part of something, not emphasise how I am NOT part of something. I know it would be different if I had more going on in my life, but when you're posting the same thing day after day, it's hard for people to relate to you, I think. Okay I have all but made my mind up right now to keep posting on the OP thread for this month and not withdraw completely. It should help motivate me to keep meeting the guidelines, as there have been a few days the past week where I didn't get my second dairy or oils in. It's too easy to let such behaviours become a habit.

I didn't WI today, mostly because I looked to show a gain, and I WI'd on Sunday last week. I'm tempted to make Sunday my WI day from now on, because my points week starts on Monday anyway. The problem is that I like to have some treats at the end of the work week, and this can interfer with showing a good number at WI. I also close on Saturday tho, so eating a late supper meal on Saturday night will affect the scale on Sunday morning, as it did today because I had a late supper last night. Maybe I should make my Wi day Friday so I can avoid all of this. But this has illuminated an issue I have been skirting around, and that is the one of making it a numbers game, which I have done from time to time. I do not want to show a gain at WI. I want to lose weight as steadily as I can. I have hated seeing the scale up all week, after posting a gain last week. The only reason why I have not let it affect me overall is that I know I have been eating the same way as I normally do, for the most part, and I was even exercising this week. I've not done anything to be ashamed of. Tonight I had to work late and I was tempted to alter my supper from what I want to eat and can eat, only because I am mindful of having to step on the scale tomorrow. This is not how I want to live, and I am very aware tonight that if I eat a light supper just in hopes of getting closer to a STS tomorrow, then I am only trying to fool myself. If I do that I am placing too much importance on the number. I have never wanted to do that. I realised I was doing it, and I've instead committed to eating what I want for supper tonight, because I am hungry, and because I am in the mood for a treat, and not restricting myself just so I can try to manipulate the scale tomorrow. I have lots of DPs left, and almost all of my FPs, so it is not an issue in the least about whether I can 'afford it'. I think this will be good for me, if I have to log a gain tomorrow. Now, I did experience a twinge to type that at the thought of another gain, but I know it will be good to relax more about it, and to just keep on keeping on. I don't want to be the type of woman who skips meals on the day of her WI because she has to WI in the evening. There may be a difference in the numbers for a few weeks, but overall it will all come out in the wash. If I establish a norm of having a WI after a night where I had a heavy meal late at night, then things will settle back down, and the scale should start moving down again, after the initial adjustment period. Yes, I want the number to go down so badly that even after so much time I still think of it constantly, but I do not want to let it consume me. I want to be healthy. I do not want an unhealthy obsession with numbers to dictate my life. If I show a gain tomorrow, it will be because of having to eat later meals on the weekend due to my work schedule. I do not eat late meals when I can control mealtime. I have been ill, and that has thrown off my routine. My activity level has changed, and as a result there has been a change in the amount of food I have been eating. I have started introducing activity again after a haitus. For all of these reasons it is not unreasonable that the scale will be unpredictable, even uncooperative. That is less important than me staying OP and making healthy, good choices, which I have been doing. Which I am making an effort to do.

I have nothing to be ashamed of...I think that is what I have really been trying to say, what I have really been needing to tell myself, and reiterate. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I also have no reason to punish myself. However long it takes, that's how long it will take, as long as I am making good choices, that is what matters. I have not let the scale become the end all-be all, and I refuse to let myself start now.

Earned 6 APs yesterday: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 60 min free weights

Earned 4 APs today: 25 min elliptical