It's Delle!

Someone on the WW boards mentioned they read my blog (news to me, I didn't think anybody stopped by here aside from my best friend!), so I thought I should put a little blurb about me. I made this journal so I can keep track of the things I'm doing and how I'm thinking and feeling as I journey along the road to getting thinner. It's not intended to be written to an audience, it is honestly something I am writing to myself, and I find it so helpful to be able to look back even 4 months ago and see what kinds of things I was many of our experiences in life slip through the cracks, and I want to remember as many of them as I can in relation to my weight loss; the good, the bad, and even the oh so ugly ones!

So many people say they've struggled with their weight for years, but this is not tue for me. I've been overweight from my earliest memories, and morbidly obese all of my adult life, but I was not the type to yo-yo diet, so in that sense I was not struggling. I don't know what my highest weight was because I didn't have a scale to weigh myself when I started getting set to lose weight. In the year before I started WW I started trying to eat less junk food and to get a little activity into my routine. When I started WW I was 288 lbs and wearing a size 22, and I know the year before I was wearing a size 26 (which was tight on me), so I'm guessing I was easily in the low 300 lb-range at my highest weight.

For the first year of my weight loss journey I was incredibly focussed and motivated. I was keeping my weight loss a secret from my family back home in Newfoundland, and my goal was to surprise them on my trip home in July. Needless to say it was quite a shock to a lot of people when I showed up over 100 lbs lighter without any warning!

Right now I am getting back on track after my trip back home. I wasn't following WW for a while due to comp issues, not to mention life issues, and I've gained back some of the weight I had lost. I got away from journalling, but I'm back at it again and am using it to help me get my focus back. I also like using it to keep track of my activity, although I've not had an organised execise regime for a few months now due to an injury. I'm getting back into my activity, however, and I will be updating all my numbers soon.

As I said, I don't write in this blog with an audience in mind, but if anyone had any questions or comments on anything here, please don't hesitate to post!

BTW, the name of my blog came from a comment my supervisor at work made one day when I was in the middle of a full-blown rant about something I had to do that was infuriating me. He interrupted me and said something to the tune of, "Don't worry about it you don't have to do it. And my goodness look at you! Where are you going, everytime I see you, you're smaller! It's crazy, you're the incredible shrinking woman!!" The moment was funny and unexpected and seemed to sum up my life right now, so I came home and re-titled my blog.

Now all I need is a cape...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Tomorrow we'll rise so we fight today

Another night where I'm almost but not quite biting my nails. I feel edgy and preoccupied and having to concentrate not to obsess about what I would like to eat. I was completely OP today and I'm happy for that, I'm just a little impatient for things to settle down and for it to get 'easy' again. I suppose there might have been lots of times last year when things were hard, but right now thinking back it just seems like it was all so easy compared to this. Maybe I need to look back over this journal and refresh my mind a bit, because I'm sure there must have been more times where I struggled than I am remembering right now. Funny how short term our memories can be, all the more reason to keep a journal and keep track of it.

I'm still having lots of cravings for various things, along with wanting to just feel full, plain and simple. I've avoided my FPs the past two days, and I am determined not to use them in normal meals, to account for times when I will be going out. As it happens, a friend called tonight and asked if I wanted to go to a party on Saturday, so it looks like I will be needing all those flexies plus all the will power I can muster, so that will help me continue to avoid them for the week, plus get some good exercise in.

Right now I'm torn between wanting to find that full feeling that I like after I eat (particularly the supper meal) and wanting to get used to eating smaller meals so that I can try to shrink my stomach up some. Now, I have never actually looked that up, but it was always something I have heard people say over the years, about how if they go a long time eating less, they find that it takes less food to make them feel like their stomach is full. I've stuffed myself with veggies and water over the months and got the full feeling while still losing weight, but there have been times when I've knocked about the idea of cutting back on that so that I don't have to eat so much food. I suppose that takes time and will power, and having to feel like I feel tonight; I'm not hungry per se, but I'm not feeling mentally satisfied because I am not full. Perhaps it is less about the stomach shrinking and more about getting used to not having that feelings and wanting it less, like getting cravings out of the system. But then, I'm not sure that this is the best time for me to consider such things, what with trying to get my eating under control again, and to get my mojo back. Part of me thinks I should just stick with what worked for me all last year, and wait until I'm settled down again before I start experimenting with portions and such. Maybe what I would need to do is to go the route of having 6 or 8 little meals over the day, so that I could get accustomed to never being full, but never actually being really hungry either. I just have my doubts about that working tho, because when I have split the same number of points into smaller portions throughout the day before I basically always ended the day feeling unsatisfied and/or hungry. But again, perhaps it's all a mind game. I don't know. It will bear more thinking about, perhaps I can research it and find out more about whether it is realistic to expect my stomach to shrink any amount to actually make a difference.

I got another river walk in today, and I want to exercise again tomorrow. The problem is that there is supposed to be rain, and I expect I might have to try and get some shopping done too. When I go out now I feel like people are staring at me because I look fat, and I feel like my neighbours are able to look at me and know I've gained weight and that everyone knows. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin right now, it is probably my biggest motivator to stay on track and to get the weight off that I have put back on. I want to go back to feeling proud of myself and happy with how I look. When I was walking today I found myself building up my determination to exercise regularly again and to consciously feel like I am actively taking off this weight. Eating is something we do a few times a day, so just making healthy choices doesn't always contribute to feeling like I am actually DOING something. When I exercise I feel like I am more in control, I suppose because I am doing something I don't have to do, but something I am choosing to do. I know every healthy meal is a choice, but it doesn't give me the same level of satisfaction that exercising does. I definitely need to get back in that headspace again, it will help me in so many ways to get my activity level up. Not only will the weight start coming off again, but I will feel better, stronger, more energetic, and I will feel more capable and in control of myself, and I desperately need that right now.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

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