Not impressed

I had a fit of the sullens yesterday when I did my WI and "only" lost 1 lb instead of 2.2 like I had hoped for so badly. I has planned to exercise before I went to work, but I ended up deciding I wasn't going to. I was actually quite annoyed with exercise, as in my mind I was blaming it for my "bad loss"...as if any loss is bad!!! Either way I got over it, it just took a day of being angry with exercise, then an evening of being angry with myself. Not that I was actually angry with anyone. Well, okay, so I WAS angry with exercise, and we weren't speaking, but I wasn't truly angry with myself. I just had a long talk with myself (through D btw, the poor guy had to listen to me rant about all this at work) about what's important and reminded myself of the whole reason for setting reasonable goals for one's self as opposed to goals one cannot control. This is exactly why I do not set goals to lose X amount of pounds in a week! Instead of being ecstatic that I had a loss, I was actually bummed out that it was not a bigger loss! Talk about having screwed up priorities! Well, I'm over it, lesson LEARNED. Today on the WW boards I was reading posts asking if people wanted to sign up for challenges for January, and one is about committing to a certain amount of exercise for the month, the other is to pledge to try and lose X lbs for the month, and I was thinking I would join both, but then I told myself that it does not work for me to start concentrating on numbers of lbs. Yes, I set a loss goal when I was part of the PC challenge, but the PC challenge went on for months, and I set a reasonable goal for that time and met it halfway through. I am not going to start setting monthly goals, I do not want to start getting obsessive over the scale. I believe I will join the activity challenge tho, I am just still trying to decide on how many minutes to pledge. I knew long before I started WW that I have to be careful about my obsessive personality, and that if I let myself go unchecked I could be an eating disorder waitng to happen. I have kept a completely healthy perspective throughout my journey to this point, I can control whether I continue in that vein, and I absolutely choose to remain healthy-minded and to not start turning this into a numbers game. If anything, my only goal overall is not to gain weight, and even that is on a month to month basis.

It is about being healthy, and I am doing a great job so far.

The day before yesterday I ran half a block to reach the bus, and when I sat down it suddenly hit me that half a year ago I would have been breathing hard from just that little burst of speed. I know because I'd experienced it. But now it doesn't even make me breathe hard.

I'd just worked four 8-hour shifts in a row, and my feet were only the tiniest bit sore last night. Half a year ago they would have been so painful I wouldn't have been able to think of anything else.

THAT'S what it's about, god damn it.

What a wonderful opportunity this was to reaffirm my committment to a healthy lifestyle, and to remember what exactly it is that I am dedicated to doing here!

Bring it.

I'm ready.

Earned 22 APs today: 15 min low-intensity DDR, 75 min mod-indensity DDR, 95 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights, 20 min stairs (8x)

Weekly summary:
Earned 45 APs
9.3 hours (560 min) total activity
12 miles (19.3 kms) walked
11 FPs remaining
1 lb lost

"I feel like an unmade bed"

I was reading the posts on the WW boards just now, and one of the women made that comment. It really struck me as a particularly apt saying. I shall have to ponder it.

I'd intended exercise tonight, but I was hungry and didn't want to put off supper, so I ate instead. Lately I've gotten back in the habit of eating supper then immediately going to bed, which I know is a wretched habit to be in, but with work I'm not having a whole lot of choice. The problem is that I want to get my activity in, but I know once I eat I get too lazy to do anything worthwhile. With these hours I'm working I just don't have the time to do it before I leave, and the days have been long and tiring enough that by the time I get home I'm not exactly bursting with energy. Still, I've been trying to exercise before supper, but that in turn means I've been eating late. Tonight I just didn't want to wait. I was hungry when I got home. Now I'm very pleasantly satisfied but unfortunately very pleasantly weary. I really hoped to get free weights in tonight, and I have not ruled it out completely, but I'm getting sleepier with every minute that passes, and I think I might just call it a night. If I make an effort tomorrow and the day after, I will still have gotten a good amount of activity in for the week, and I guess I really should be taking into account as well that I did have 5 shifts this week, which, adding in commute times, does not leave me that much free time compared to what I'd normally have. I was just really extra motivated this week on account of wanting to lose 2.2 lbs, so that I could say I lost 60 lbs for New Years. I think that is a really exciting goal, and the thought helped me get through all the food temptations at work this week. Fingers crossed for WI tomorrow!!!

Huff puff

Gotta love that high intensity activity! I wonder how things will go with my eppiliptical thingy when I get it, I've never actually been on one.

Thankfully most of the food that was in the lunch room at work yesterday had been scarfed and/or hoarded. They filled the room with all manner of snack food yesterday, and the whole day was a temptation. The sandwiches looked sooo good, but were filled with processed meats and cheese. There were those yummy cereal bars with yogurt and berries and such, and chips, and those sinful chocolate muffins like mum gets at the Price Club. Those were the worst temptation for me I think. I didn't touch any of the goodies, and instead ate fruit and vegetables, of which there were lots, thankfully. Mostly because most people were choosing the goodies instead. By today all the really tempting stuff had been eaten, so I was spared another day of wanting things I don't need. The only hitch was when I went in for my break and was in the middle of my carrots when someone came in with chocolate cake on account of a birthday. It looked really good, but it was easier somehow to resist it than it had been yesterday to resist everything else. Either way I'm proud of my will power. Go me!

Earned 4 APs today: 20 min stairs (8x)

An obscenity of a day

If I had an ounce of energy I would get a thesaurus and use it to find new and interesting words to describe how incredibly SUCKY this day was. This was the most boring shift I have ever worked at the store, and it was stressful on top of it. The crowds of people were overwhelming, and I was in a state of high-anxiety for hours on end. Not to mention that each hour actually lasted for three and I was trapped in the store for a day and a half in some sort of temporal rift that distorted time and sucked you into a torturous hell dimension where you could only stand in one spot and look at people to make sure they weren't stealing. Seriously, if there was a hell, it should make days like today a specialty. I was home an hour and my head was still buzzing. Tho in spite of it all there were 4 things about today that I would say were good: 1. an email from B that started my day off with laughter. 2. seeing J who used to work in our dept and who hasn't seen me in a long time and was amazed at how I look. 3. getting a compliment from G in HT about the weight I've lost. and 4. getting the Ultimate DDR Dance mat on sale for a great price. It's regularly $54, but today it was $19. Considering how much time I spend doing DDR, I definitely thought it worth it to get this DDR mat with the foam padding. I'm hoping the cushion will help absorb the shock of the jumps especially, as I just reintroduced them yesterday, having stopped using jump moves back when my back was so painful all the time. It still gets sore, but I'm not having pain anywhere near like I did, so I wanted to see how it would go. If things keep going well for another week or two, I'm going to start doing that exercise with the free weights again that I stopped because it seemed to aggravate the back problem. I was tempted not to exercise but I tried out the new mat for a little bit, then I did my free weights, so I'm proud. Looking forward to bed.

Earned 5 APs today: 15 min low-intensity DDR, 60 min free weights

The day before Boxing Day

I'm halfway through my Christmas drink and I'm already rather mellow. I'm interested to see whether getting thin will manage to turn me into a lightweight. I certainly hope so, since I don't necessarily have the option of more, not without using FPs, which is not something I do. I prefer to use my FPs for food, excepting a special occasion I suppose.

Today was very quiet, which was exactly what I wanted. I got a good amount of activity in, and earned my drink. I also have APs left for some sort of treat with supper. Perhaps some pudding for dessert, and/or maybe extra cheese. Decisions, decisions! After my WI last weekend my DPs got dimished yet again by 1 point, putting me down to 33 DPs now. I'm definitely noticing the difference, but it's just more incentive to get APs! I got a couple loads of laundry done, the place has been like a tomb today. When I took out the garbage to the dumpster, I saw the parking lot was about 90% empty, I don't think I've ever seen it like that. I'm also really excited because I actually got a river walk in today! There was no snow/ice down, it wasn't terribly cold, there was little wind, and there was no sun...in my books a perfect day for a walk! It was strange tho; the streets were deserted, and it was like a ghost town. I liked the solitude tho very much. It felt soo good to just be able to walk and walk and be alone with my thoughts. I hadn't realised how much I've missed not being able to do it. It felt so good to just be moving, to work those thigh muscles, to feel strong and swift. I hope the ice and snow stay away and that I can walk more over the winter. I talked to some of the fam briefly tonight, aunts and uncles and cousins were showing up for supper, and I started to get lonesome and had to get off the phone. It can be hard remembering what it would be like, lots of great company and lots of great food. At least being alone here means I don't have to have the temptation of all that fattening food to deal with. When I got lonesome I just exercised some more, and thought about how exciting it will be when I see them all next summer.

Earned 12 APs today: 20 min low-intensity DDR, 60 min mod-intensity DDR, 90 min brisk walking, 20 min stairs (8x)

It was Christmas Eve babe...in the drunk tank..

I love that song so much, definitely my favorite Christmas song of all time.

Not much to report here. I had to work, but it was not stressful in the least. Everything was incredibly chaotic at the store, what with getting ready for Boxing Day madness. I didn't get caught up with it at all, and instead just sailed along in everyone else's wake and enjoyed the ride. There were people set aside to do the set up for our department, so I just concentrated on customers, of which there weren't that many, considering. It was steady, but they didn't seem to need much help, so I mostly wandered and enjoyed myself. Everything was being moved and shifted and changed in some way, and I'm glad I've been there as long as I have, elsewise I would have found the whole day extremely stressful. That job has definitely taught me to be able to handle change much better than I had been, it's maybe the best benefit I have gotten from the job, and I'm so happy about that. I picked up a bottle from the LCBO, and planned to have a drink ot two tonight and just relax, but I was more tired when I got home than I had expected to be, and tho I did my WATP dvd, I didn't feel energetic enough to do stairs, so I passed on having a drink on account of not having the APs to swap for it, and not wanting to dip into my FPs for it. I plan to get more activity in tomorrow, since I don't have to work, and I can have my Christmas drink tomorrow if I'm in the mood. I'm going to bed early, how exciting!

Earned 2 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile)

Feeling fine

And yes it may be stormy outside, and I might be fairly secluded, but I am not about to start chopping down doors with axes (anybody up on their King?).

Got loads of activity in today, and somebody's got tired wittle legs! Didn't get the normal amount of activity in for the week, but between having to work an extra shift (which lost me an evening and a morning), having a birthday (another evening lost) and being sick, I'm still happy with the week. What I'm REALLY happy about is that I had another great loss this week, after last weekend's excesses, and with my birthday feast thrown in to boot!! AND, TOM was visiting this week too (he left yesterday evening btw, another short visit). I'm not having -4 lb weeks any more, but that doesn't bother me, and I call anything over 1.5 lbs a great loss. Yes, it would be wonderful to be thin as soon as possible, but I'm having serious concerns about my body and how my skin seems incapable of shrinking. No, not the kind of concern that keeps me up at 2:00 in the morning fretting; I accept that this is part of it, and is the price I have to pay for being overweight all my life. It doesn't change the fact that I would still prefer that my body not be such a disaster zone as I'm making my dream come true. One of the best ways of having a tidier body is to have less rapid weight loss, so I'm perfectly happier with taking a little longer to get there, if it meant my skin could maybe cooperate with me a little. I think a lot of the reason I still can't look in the mirror and notice results is because of all the sag I'm experiencing. It will be interesting to say the least to see how it all turns out. Every time I'm near a mirror I try to imagine what I will look like in the end, I simply can't picture it. It is rather exciting. Even with saggy everything, I will be thinner, and I'll be able to wear clothes that conceal the worst of it, and I will feel wonderful to have people look at me. I will feel wonderful knowing I'm healthy! Tonight I did my WATP dvd in the first time in a long time, and even tho earlier this afternoon I was feeling lazy and not wanting to bestir byself to do more exercise, while I was doing it and afterward, I felt amazing! I would always read posts and such from people saying how they felt amazing after working out, and I think I always scoffed at it deep down inside, but boy do I know the difference now! I didn't feel exhausted, I was working and sweating and breathing hard, but I felt good, I felt strong. Afterward I did weights, then I actually tackled the stairs, and again, I felt good, strong. Strange how actually exercising can make you feel more energetic than you had been beforehand just sitting there. I feel like I could go do another 20 min! Oh god, feeling this fine right now at this moment, just imagine...in another 6 months, how awesome will I feel? :D

Earned 17 APs today: 20 min low-intensity DDR, 75 min mod-indensity DDR, 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 60 min free weights, 20 min stairs (8x)

Weekly summary:
Earned 26 APs
5 hours (305 min) total activity
2.5 miles (4 kms) walked
? FPs remaining
1.8 lbs lost

Year's Long Night

Last night was the year's longest night, and yet another winter solstice has come and gone. Normally I celebrate the night in some way, usually in a private, reflective manner. Last night however I had to go to bed early on account of having to work this morning, and I never got to stay up and enjoy it properly. Instead I had to wait until tonight for the time to relax and reflect, and I ended up not getting any activity in. I guess tis the time of year for schedules to be messed up and routines to be thrown off. This week will also be difficult, with extra hours at work and longer commute times due to holiday bus schedules and heavy traffic. Next thing we know it will be January and we'll be wondering where the hell the time went, with another New Year upon us.

Work was fine this morning, it was less busy early on than I had expected, but it was steady enough, and the time went very quickly. When I was getting ready to leave, things started getting really crazy, and there were so many people about, it was hard to maneuver around the dept. I wasn't tempted to ask for extra hours, and instead left as soon as my shift was over. I was looking forward to getting home where it was quiet. There was still a bunch of chocolate about at work, and at one point when I was looking for something in the drawer, I thought, "If there is an open package in there, I'm having some of it and I don't care!" and there was in fact an open package and I looked at it, but I closed the drawer without having any. I told myself that if I want chocolate so badly, I can make some pudding for dessert after supper, which tastes chocolately, and is very points friendly. I could have had a salad with supper, but I was frankly too lazy to go about making one, and I preferred to eat less food than go through any trouble. After a long day I sometimes just want less fuss more than I want more food. I did eat all my DPs tho, which isn't hard lately. I have noticed the past couple weeks that I have to eat less food than I find I want, just eating within my DPs. Missing out on my normal amount of activity means missing out on eating a lot of APs. I never really thought about it before today, but I've been getting on average 50 more points a week to eat. No wonder not having it has made such a difference...50 points can amount to a lot of food! Maybe that's why I've been having good losses the past two weeks, despite not getting much activity in. Either way, I intend to keep up with the activity and to eat those points when I feel the need, because I do feel lately like I am getting less to eat than I want. Maybe that's why the chocolate has been so tempting. But then that could just as easily be hormones. Or the fact that I love chocolate. Whatever, all I care about is that I have been eating within my DPs and the world has not ended, despite feeling hungry sometimes and being tempted to eat more. I'm learning that I can deal with such things just fine, and that is valuable.

Blood and chocolate

More plans gone awry. I was asked to work in the morning, and I must get to bed. Today went well enough, was long tho. I'd thought I would have time tonight to do as I please, and get some activity in, but I have to be up at 5:00am or so and it's already late. My calves and archilles are sore today, but nothing to be a bother. If I start doing stairs regularly I might have to do every second day for a bit. I might be getting a cheap epilliptical machine, or whatever they're called. There's someone at work who is selling one for a really good price. I have absolutely no room for it, but I would so love to have something in the flat I can work out on. The rep who works in our dept a couple days a week also works for Cadbury, and yesterday and today she brought in loads of chocolate for us to have. It was quite maddening, as I used to eat that stuff all the time, and I still want it so badly. It was hard having it around me, but I resisted. Whenever someone would have some I would have to walk away because the smell of it was so good and just made me aware of how much I wanted it. Hopefully it will be all gone by tomorrow.

A peck of peppers

I did enjoy today for no particular reason. I had to wake up a little sooner than I would have liked perhaps, but the day went well regardless. I had a big breakfast, and went off to work. The buses actually got me there on time, will wonders never cease. Work was busy but good, and I managed to have fun in spite of people everywhere. D gave me a ride home and was nice enough to stop to the grocery for me to get a few things, as I was desperate for peppers of a good quality. The store up the street is appalling in their selection and quality, and I'm getting quite fed up. Their vegetables are not worth buying, but I have to when I have no way of getting to a better store. Today I filled two bags brimful with peppers, and I got some romaine and apples too. The bill was much higher than I had anticipated, I guess the price of veggies is climbing. Money is so tight, I might have to start looking more closely at what are the cheaper veggies, and start eating more of those and cutting back on my beloved peppers if the cost is too high. Being poor sucks. It would be depressing if I let it get to me. On a high note, the laundry detergent I realised did not get brought home from our last shopping trip was noted by the grocery, and they found it on their Left Behind list, and so I got it back today, which is a wonderful help. Every dollar counts. I did stairs this evening, and my legs are very pleasantly aching. I hope to get more activity in tomorrow. TOM went and showed up yesterday, and I'm having cramps. But my cold is loads better, and I'm not sniffling or coughing barely at all. Yup, good day.

Earned 4 APs today: 20 min stairs (x8)

One week

I got some exercise in today, but most definitely not as much as I usually do on a normal Wednesday. I was tired today, and I took a short nap, only to wake up feeling even worse, with my chest hurting from coughing so hard and my stomach somewhat upset. I went out to get some veggies and such, and stopped to the pharmacy for some cough medicine. I did some free weights early this evening, and didn't push for more. I'm hoping tomorrow I will feel well enough to do more when I get home from work. I already have tomorrow's menu planned out, and I've done some prep work already. As it is it's getting late, and I should get things sorted out and get to bed.

Earned 5 APs today: 20 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

One score and 9 years ago...

...Delle weighed 8 lbs and some-odd ounces!

Holy crap...I always thought that that had been a lot, but I could take baby-me and do tricep curls with her..LOL! Maybe I wasn't such a fat baby after all!

It was a good birthday, not that I'm much bothered about them. It's never been a very big deal for me, having it so close to Christmas and everyone always been too distracted to pay much mind. F has a thing about wanting to be the first person to wish you happy birthday, and I woke up sometime after midnight to the sound of my answering machine kicking in, then I got a singing birthday message from her that was too awesome. I was quite amused to listen to her sing in 4 different languages, definitely a message I am going to be keeping. Work was fine, I had fun with coworkers, then when my shift was over, F came and fetched me and we went to Applebees for supper. I ate light earlier in the day, and decided not to stress too much about the meal. Applebees has been one of my fav places to go out to since I moved here, and we've always gone there on my special occasions. I got my favorite chicken fajitas, and I requested no quacamole (sp?) or whatever sour cream stuff normally comes with. I also didn't have any alcohol, as normally I will have a pint or two, and just had water the whole time. I didn't order dessert, even tho I was coaxed and cajoled to do so. However F and L told the server that it was my b-day, and I looked at her and said, you're not going to sing at me are you? and she said no, of course not! and of course she got her fellow servers and they all came singing and clapping and presented me with a dessert dish. I asked for more spoons and tried to get the others to help me eat it, but they very stubbornly left most of it to me. I did end up eating it, thankfully it was one scoop of ice cream and one little square of fudge brownie. It tasted like sin itself and I savoured it. I also didn't beat myself up over it; I've been good, and I definitely won't ever be seeking the stuff out for myself. I've not had dessert anything since June, the most I've had has been fat-free jello pudding, which is nothing much. It was a wonderful treat, supper and the dessert, and I didn't try to track it when I got home, tho maybe I should try before the week is out. I figure I'll just eat within my DPs for the rest of the week, and try to leave most if not all of my FPs, and that should cover it fine. After supper F and I went to the movies and saw "The Golden Compass", which was decent enough. I was excited that there was a preview for the new Narnia movie, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing that one. The first Narnia movie had been my birthday movie a couple of years ago, and if the next one was playing next winter, it would be birthday movie 2008, but it is going to be a summer movie, if I remember correctly. That's okay, I'm sure there will be something that will suit. When I got home there was another singing b-day message waiting for me, this time from B, which was real sweet of him. Either way I am at peace with my age and very aware that this time last year I was actually quite down, thinking that it would only be two years before I'm 30 years old. This year is completely different; I'm so excited to be turning 29...this is going to be my year, I feel this in my bones. I'm going to end off my 20s on the highest point I have ever been in my life. One year from now I am going to look back and think it was my best year ever, and how could anyone be depressed turning 30 after having such a kick-ass year as I am going to make this one be?

Mmmm.....bed

Bed is looking mighty good. I'm still battling my cold, work was difficult at times because I have these violent coughing fits that take the good out of me. I had to stop helping customers because I couldn't finish a sentence without hacking a lung up in front of them. I'm having cramps off and on too, and I expect TOM to visit any moment now. I was up later last night than I had planned, and I am tired. I was very cold when I got home (had to wait an hour outside in -15 weather for stupid city transit) but now I am too hot. My chest and stomach hurts from coughing, but otherwise I feel fine, just a little congested. Either way, I think bed is the best place for me right now.

Halfway and 2nd 10%

Yet another No football-Suday, perhaps I am more ill than I realise. The Lions played the same time as my babies, and they were getting killed early on, and I had laundry to do, and things to catch up on, having been gone all weekend, so I gave football a miss this week. If I didn't have to work tomorrow I'd be watching the Sunday night game tho, I think it will be a good one. I was keeping an eye on the NFL site to see the score and my babies managed to scrape a win. Good for them.

The weekend was wonderful. Friday at work was actually pretty awesome, all things considered. It was a system day and I was expecting hell on earth, but at the same time, I didn't have to be there till the store opened, which meant I was spared the usual Friday opening chaos which can often put me in a harried mood. And of course I was very happy that B was getting in town that day, so I was in a great mood regardless of systems. Unexpectedly, everything was organised when I got there, and for once we had a plan that worked splendidly and before we knew it, the rush was over and life was good. I breezed through the rest of the day, and even tho I ended up being there a little later than I had planned, I still got home in a timely enough manner to get sorted out and go to meet B. It was so good to see him, and sure enough the first thing he commented on was to say I looked thinner, which only put me in a better mood. He seemed to find amusement in pointing out where it was easy to feel my bones, and I confess I was very amused by it too. Definitely a good time. I ate what I wanted on Saturday, and had a very sinful omlet for breakfast that had sausage and onion and pepper, and I had toast and homefries. The meal was so good it tasted like the best food I had had in forever. Cheese and butter and grease and sausage, I remember you!!!!! I savoured every bite. I was very full when finished, but not in a sick way. I knew there had to be a tonn of points in it, but I didn't stress about it at all. I'm always so careful, and besides, I need to learn how to splurge now and then. It's what thin people do, they will have fattening meals, just not all the time. Part of changing my lifestyle is to be able to do it sometimes, and be able to go back to eating healthy in between. We had Sarducci's for supper, and again I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. I've not eaten from there since the weekend before I started WW, when I'd gone all out and had everything I knew I would not be eating from now on. I've craved it but have of course never eaten it, so this was a real treat. I'm not worried about how I ate on Saturday because it wasn't giving into an urge or temptation. It was all planned, and had nothing to do with will power or moods. I rarely have company, and I don't feel guilty about any of it. I have nothing but complete confidence that I will have no trouble staying OP after this weekend. I can splurge one day and not be led into a binge or a downward spiral. I can also not exercise for one week and not abandon it compeltely. This week I will make an extra effort to make sure I get exercise in.

I don't remember if I mentioned it here or not, but it had been a goal of mine to reach my 2nd 10% (which is also the halfway-to-goal mark for me) by Christmas, and this week I reached it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was pretty sure it was a goal I could meet, and it helped motivate me some days when I didn't want to exercise, thinking how I would have to keep up my level of effort if I wanted to make that goal by Christmas. The really strange thing is that I did my WI on Friday on account of I wasn't sure if I'd be able to weigh on Saturday morning like I normally do, and I was down...a LOT, considering this is supposed to be my Week of Little Loss. I was expecting little or no loss, seeing where I am in my cycle, and yet by week's end I was noticing that my pants were looser than normal, and just walking quickly makes them try to fall past my hips. I'm used to holding my pants up when I run, but I was just stepping more quickly to cross the road! I don't know if it has to do with TOM not showing up like I had expected (still no sign of him), or the fact that I did not exercise. Maybe my body was thrown off by the fact that this week was so different...I've exercised every week since the third week of August. I know from the WW boards that mixing things up can cause an unexpected loss (case in point: the Wendi Plan), so perhaps it was that. I'm wondering if it is because I ate less this week; since I usually eat most if not all of my APs, I was eating less food this week because I was staying in my DPs only. Thursday night I ended up dipping into my FP a little even tho I had not wanted to, only because I was still hungry after I ate my planned supper meal, but that was the only day I needed more points than my DPs give me. Either way I am not planning to cut out the exercise and see whether it will cause me to lose weight at a faster rate; it is very important to me to have a strong, healthy body, not just a thin one. Besides, I've been losing weight more than fast enough, and as much as I want to be thin as quickly as possible, I know it is better if I don't go any faster than I am. If for nothing else, than because I'm saggy and droppy enough as it is already. Damn skin...I'm wishing I could just say shag it and get a tailor to take it in for me!

Thursday

Another night where I am tired almost beyond measure. Today wasn't necessarily difficult, I think this cold I managed to get is tiring me out a little. I went to RB with D after work as we finished the same time, and I was tempted to get a burger or chicken, but I had had a late dinner and wasn't really hungry for supper yet. Even so, I think I would have had something otherwise, if it wasn't for wanting to save my FPs for this weekend. It looks like I'll be getting no exercise at all in this week, and part of me doesn't like that, but most of me is tired and thinking that things have been hectic lately. Since late last week my schedule has been thrown off almost every day, with working late, working unscheduled shifts, the party, etc, being so fatigued with TOM coming and this cold. This is the one week I feel I should have gotten more exercise in than usual, since I will be eating out most of the weekend, but there it is. It's not a race, some weeks are going to be easier than others. B is coming tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. I wonder if he will think I look thinner. Maybe I can get some exercise in on Saturday if I come back to the flat.

A sleepy calm

It was a glorious day, there is nothing else to be said for it. The river was on a flat calm, the sky was a brilliant blue, I spent the afternoon in facinating conversation, and my pants keep trying to fall off. Nothing else to be said for it.

No talk. Eat now.

I have a few minutes while I'm waiting on the rice, so it is the time to post. Got home from work about 10pm, and I'm strangely tired, considering that I had a nap late this morning. I didn't get any exercise in, which is strange for me on a Tuesday, and things aren't looking so good for tomorrow. I seem be be falling ill, I definitely have a headache and a sore throat and I have the sniffles. I feel worse right now than I did this morning. I took some cold pills before work tho and felt okay on my shift, but I'm feeling poorly again tonight. I guess it is to be expected since everyone at work is sick or was sick in the last couple weeks. If I'm to be sick, I'd rather do it now and hopfully be feeling better by Friday!

And what strength I have's my own

I am very tired tonight; I think I did not get near enough sleep last night to get caught up. I did end up staying awake later than I had planned. I was not overly tired this morning, but it was indeed a long, tiring day. I was in good spirits when I left, but when I got to the store I nearly went tits up on the icy parkinglot, and it only went downhill from there. Everyone seemed to have a stick up their arse today, and I ended up spending a little time in the warehouse kicking a cardboard box and venting. Afterward I did feel better was able to refrain from kicking coworkers and customers. I did get to see the fellow with the pretty eyes when he came in looking for a movie, and that is always nice. He tried to get me to sell him my copy of Silent Hill for PS1, but I tell him he's on crack if he thinks I would ever part with it. Another good thing about today was getting to work with V. She and J had me in stitches telling me stories about their very Italian fathers. That culture is too funny.

I felt bloated today, I definitely think TOM is going to show up soon. Especially since yesterday I got all emotional and homesick in the early afternoon and had a little sniffle-fest, listening to music from home. I would dearly love to get TOM here and out the door before the weekend. I was going to have some milk after supper, but since I was too tired to exercise and earn it, I gave it a miss. I'm planning to save all the APs I can for this weekend when B visits. I can't believe it's only 4 more days, where does the time go?

No football-Sunday

I've been MIA for a couple of days. I've been really busy at work, incidently. I was supposed to be finished at 5:30pm on Friday, but we got hit with an impossible project by the district operations manager, and there was a crapload of work to get done for the next day. I stayed two extra hours and could have stayed longer, but I was knackered by that time, and they asked me if I would come in for 6am to boot, and 7:30 was late enough to stay. D and I went to RB for a pint to come down, then I came home and got a bite to eat then went on to bed. It was late enough that I didn't come online because I knew I would probably be up an extra hour at least because of it, and I knew I would regret it in the morning. As it was, I regreted more that I was having nightmares and ended up waking at about 3:30am and knew immediately that there was no way in hell I was going to sleep again and risk more. So I got up and wrote an email then got ready for work. D picked me up and we got to the store for 6am, and we didn't leave until after 4:30pm. I was pretty knackered again, but I didn't have time for anything, because F was having a fondue party, and I was going to be late. I don't know much about fondue other than it involves cheese and chocolate, so seeing that I was really really hungry when I got home, I went ahead and made supper. I figured if I went there hungry I would just want to eat tons of food that would be bad for me. I got the bus there and was about an hour late, but I felt it was worth it to have eaten. Of course no one was impressed with the fact that I was not eating the fondue stuff, and I was badgered many times to eat something. I felt guilty a lot, like my not eating was insulting, but I stood my ground and didn't let guilt waive my resolve. I got the impression they thought I was being unreasonable, and they probably think I am being too obsessive, but I really don't think they understand what it is like for me. I want to lose weight more than I want just about anything in this world. If I eat things I want to eat, I will not lose weight. I believe a lot of people who are not seriously trying to lose weight the way I am tend to think that "splurging" now and again won't affect anything. How often do they say "bah, it's just a little such and such/it's just one time, IT WON'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE". So many people like to turn it around on you and make you out as being silly and paranoid or something. I never knew how much pressure I would get sometimes to eat things. I think for some people they just want me to eat so they don't feel guilty for eating bad things. I think other times, like at this party, that people just honestly believe that having bad things just this one time won't hurt me, and they honestly want me to enjoy myself. I think they believe I am depriving myself and that I am really missing out. I don't know how to make them understand that yes I would like to be able to eat all those things, if it was magically calorie-free, but that otherwise I want to be thin ever so much more than I want to taste that food. The way I feel at the end of the week and I log a loss on the scale tastes so much better than food does. I'm making a choice to lose weight and that takes committment. In my case, it means being committed every single day. Maybe other people think I am too strict with myself, but it is my life, and my choice, and this lifestyle is what makes me happy. I really believe that my success so far has been because I stay committed every single day, and I follow WW to the letter. This is working for me and I am not changing my committment.

All right, that turned into a rant, but I'm done now. Food-pressure aside, the party was great. I had saved most of my points, so I was open to trying things, but when I got there I simply wasn't hungry, so I said I was going to wait till I was. But the thing is, we started jamming on Rock Band eventually, and I was having too much fun to be hungry. F's brother was tanked, and I thought I was going to die when he started doing this Indian dance. Then he got the mic and he would strike a pose before he would start singing, and do scissor-kicks and I thought I was going to wet myself from laughing. When we were playing, he would start acting like a groupie and catcalling and throwing clothes at us. The best thing about the night is that I got to see C up from Kentucky for the holiday. I had not seen her since two days after I started WW, last July. When I got there she couldn't stop going on about how different I look, and how drastic the weight loss has been. I had been wondering how she would react, and whether she would think I looked much thinner. I still don't feel like I look that much different at all. I was thinking that she might have been exaggerating because maybe F had told her I had lost weight, and she wanted me to feel good about myself. I only really started to believe her when hours into the night during the pause between songs, I turned to her where she was sitting next to me on the couch, and she said "you know, earlier all I could see when I looked at you was how different you look, but now when I look at you, you're just you". I think that really made it sink in that she honestly meant it. It was an awesome feeling, and I'm just that much more excited to get to goal and to go home and see my family and enjoy their reactions. I really am doing this. It really is working.

Well, I didn't get to bed till about quarter after three, and I was in no state to journal that night. I only slept about 6 hours, even being on a deficit, and today I actually took it easy and didn't exercise. It was too late at this point to get my 50 APs in for the week, since I had to work Friday and Saturday unexpectedly the way I did. I was tired and decided I needed a break. I wasn't even in the mood to watch football. I listened to music, took a long hot shower, read some, wrote another email (and I still have a couple to catch on yet!), and then set about cutting up peppers for overstock, on account of I use them every single day and it is a pain in the backside to have to cut peppers when I am hungry and wanting to eat NOW. I had a bag of green and a bag of red, and I know they take time to cut, but I had no idea it would take as long as it did. It took at least 2 1/2 hours, but at least I have a good stock of peppers, I'm hoping it will last me the week. Unfortunately the fingers on my right hand are stained pink around the fingernails from the juice. The hazards of vegetables, I guess!

Weekly summary:
Earned 29 APs
5.6 hours (340 min) total activity
5 miles (8 kms) walked
~9 FPs remaining
1.2 lbs lost

Rumbly in my tummy

I need to get supper shortly but wanted to post first. I'm having some minor unpleasant bodily issues, and I've decided to be more careful about the amount of fibre and water I'm getting in. Hopefully that whole thing fixes itself without too much hassle. The strange thing is I'm getting lots of water and fibre, but there it is. I've never been terribly lucky. The thing is, with increasing fibre in the morning and making sure I get dairy, I have less points to work with, and when I came home and planned supper, I realised I was short if I wanted milk and pudding for desert. I could have dipped into the FPs, but there's a time at F's this weekend and it will involve unhealthy food so I want to keep the ones I have left. I was leaning towards not exercising, but instead I got rigged up and tackled the stairs. I definitely felt incredible when I was done, I'm so glad I just went ahead and did it. I'm concent; got stocked cupboards and fridge again..D took me grocery shopping after work! Hooray for having healthy food at hand! And giant pitas!

Earned 4 APs today: 20 min stairs (8x)

Wednesday

It was a quiet day overall. I didn't have to work, and was looking forward to a bit of a lie in, but I was having unsettling dreams again, and woke up prematurely. I felt so tired that I didn't get around to doing anything of substance, and just before noon I ended up climbing back into bed instead of setting up DDR, and I had a nap. I rarely nap, but 8 hours just wasn't enough to cut it last night. Normally I give myself a hard time about it, but I remembered that TOM is lurking, and I almost always have a few days of fatigue around this time of the month, and prefer 10 hours if I have 1. So I gave myself permission, and didn't fret no more about it. I slept, felt better rested, had less unsettling dreams than before, and exercised and cleaned in the afternoon instead. No harm, fo foul. Visited with a friend this evening, and now to write an email before bed. Even after all that sleep I'm still longing for my pillow. Gotta love those hormones.

Earned 12 APs today: 15 min low-intensity DDR, 75 min mod-intensity DDR, 60 min free weights

THIS time...

...I will remember to post in spite of working the closing shift. But since I'm starving for my supper, it will be a short post. The snow we got on Saturday didn't stay longer than Sunday, so I realised this morning I could actually go for a river walk. It really does suck having a phobia of ice. I got going early enough (despite sleeping in!) that I was able to fit both a walk and DDR in before work. Heck, I even got bread, bus tickets, and stopped by the grocery for a few things. Back in the day I would have slept till 1, then gotten ready for work. I love how on the ball I am! LOL I realised at the bus stop that if I have a good loss this week, I might actually hit my second 10% this weekend....not to mention the HALFWAY POINT!!! I'd have to have a really good loss tho, and this week and next are not expected to be good, since I should be having TOM visit really soon. Either way I don't mind, I had an unspoken goal to make halfway/2nd 10% before Christmas, so I'm happy even if it takes a couple weeks!

Earned 13 APs today: 15 min low-intensity DDR, 60 min mod-intensity DDR, 95 min brisk walking

Chilly brr!

I had the heat on in the flat when I was at work because I knew by the time I got home tonight I would welcome some warmth, between waiting and walking to and from three bus stops between work and home. Strangely enough you wouldn't think it was even working, as drafty as it is in here. It is so strange to be cold like this, I never used to be, before. I guess it is something I will have to get used to. I wonder what it is about losing weight that makes a person cold all the time? I heard women say on the WW boards that they are suddenly cold all the time after never being cold ever, after only losing 30-odd pounds. The thing that really confuses me that these women might still be near or over 300 lbs, so that throws out my idea that you start to feel the cold more when you start getting down in the lower 200s. Oh well, I guess it is a mystery. Perhaps I should Google it sometime. After I put on long underwear. I mean, seriously! This is so bizarre!

So finally I will recound my Friday night, such as it was, for the history books. CM had sent a mass email on Thursday telling us that her birthday would be on Friday, and that it was short notice, but why don't we all go out and party. The plan was to start at the DH at about 7pm, and to possibly eat, and to go on from there. I was happy to celebrate birthday, but not too keen on eating pub food, or spending a bunch of money I didn't have, so I decided I would join them for a while, but not spend the whole night pub crawling. Since I was working till 6:30, I felt this made it easy to make my excuses, since I would be going there straight from work and would be in my uniform and whatnot. I figured the party would be in full swing by the time I got there, but lo! when I walk in about 7:30, there was not one person there for the party. I asked the bartender and he said they had called the day before to tell them there would be a bunch of people coming, but that he had heard nothing since, and that no one had called again. I waited till about 7:45, then figured that the plans had changed, and since I don't have access to email at work, that I was out of the loop. I'd had my heart set on a couple of pints tho to celebrate CM's birthday, not to mention Friday, so I headed off to the Mill instead of staying at DH, cause I like the Mill much better. It's very quite there since the new owners took over, and things are very slow, but the atmosphere is wonderful, and I generally prefer quiet anyway. The owner also likes to play folk music, which is right up my ally. There were only a few people there, one being a fellow sitting down at the end of the bar. After a time he came up and sat next to me and proceeded to chat me up. He was friendly enough, and harmless, but good heavens he was incredibly opinionated and strange. He had the oddest ideas about everything, and he went out of his way to share them all with me. He really was a bit of a jerk in many ways, but still harmless. When the bartender and his g/f mentioned they are getting married and I asked where the honeymoon will be, the fellow next to me started shouting about how Cuba is full of communists and he had signed the thingy that made it illegal for Canadians to go there. He was a real piece of work. I had only intended to stay for one pint, possibly two, but in the midst of it all, these men started setting up in the corner and I saw there was to be live music, and that was it for me, I had to stay and hear what they were like. There was a bassist and two guitarists, and I instantly fell in love. They played very well, all songs that I love, mostly classic rock. I ignored the fellow next to me in favour of singing and clapping and generally making a show of myself, but not caring. I do so love good music. The fellow bought me a couple of pints without asking, but I was having no more of that because I did not want to encourage him, and when I turned to say I was going to buy him one, I noticed that he was gone. As was his glass. When I remarked to the bartender that I thought it was illegal to take beer outside, he went to check and came back saying the guy had skipped out without paying the last round! I couldn't believe he had done that, and told them I would of course pay for what I drank. I told them that the fellow mentioned he had a friend across the street, and maybe he went there and was planning to come back. They thought it unlikely, but as annoying and weird as the fellow was, he really didn't seem like he was the type to skip out. And sure enough about 45 min later he showed up again. The bartender was not impressed and tried to get him to acknowledge that he had acted unacceptably, but the fellow said something stupid and after he had paid and asked if he could buy another round, the bartender told him no. Personally I was very grateful when I heard that, because I didn't want anything to do with the fellow. I'm glad he came back to pay what he owed, tho, but was not too surprised. As I had told the bartender...he's an idiot, but he doesn't strike me as a criminal. After he'd gone the first time, I'd gotten to talking to a woman who came in and sat at the bar near me. Turns out she is a stripper, and we have a wonderful chat. She was frank about her job and, being such a curious thing, I took advantage because I'm always full of questions. The next thing I knew, it had to be after midnight, I was losing track, because by this time I had a good buzz going. Then the door opened and CM and her new hubby and some friends came strolling in! Turns out they'd gotten to the DH around 8pm, and we all had a laugh at how I had missed them only to meet up later. I hadn't realised they would spend the whole night in this neighbourhood. Either way she was drunk and I ended up drunk by the time closing came, and the night was wonderful fun and I hated to have to turn down the invitation to go back to their place and keep partying, on account of I had to get up for work at 6:30am, as I had been asked on my Friday shift if I wanted to come in Sat morning for a few hours to help us get caught up on the stock. The last time I partied with CM and the gang, we went back to her place after closing the pubs, and partied the sun up. I really did regret having to say no, I bet we would have done the same all over again. I wonder if the guys had jammed in the basement. More live music!

Anyhoo, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. I came home drunk and hyper, and listened to music and made a quick post here, then in time fell asleep. I got the times mixed up of when D would be picking me up, because K told me D would swing by at 7am, and it wasn't till I suddenly woke up at 6:45 that I realised that the shift started at 7, therefore D was probably waiting on me. Fortunately D is a very understanding man, I called his cell, and I know he was on his way thinking I had forgotten, but he came back and fetched me, and I was still rather inebriated, and chattered the whole ride to work (I remember little of it now) and when I got to work I was doing a lot of dancing and singing while I tasked. D was amused by it all, T commented he'd never seen me so happy. As the morning wore on I sobered up and realised I was hungry and tired, and even tho I stayed 3 hours later than they has asked me to, I didn't take them up on the offer to stay longer, because I was famished and fatigued and was dressed in civvies and not in any mood to deal with customers, so I came home and crashed. I didn't exercise, but I did try to go out for vegetables and bread, but the grocery was closed and there were herds of people everywhere. Turns out the Santa Claus parade was going on. It was snowing, the first time it had really snowed here this season, and it was cold. A perfect night, actually. Thankfully the Arab market doesn't bother itself for Santa Clause parades, and I was able to get some green pepper and bread there. Sunday was given over to exercising, football, laundry and some housecleaning. Even in light of Friday's excesses, and Saturday's laziness, I ended the week with 12 FPs. All in all, a very good weekend, I should think.

Blustery night

I know I said I would catch my journal up tonight, but somehow night happened, and suddenly it's after 11:00 and I need to get to bed. The wind is howling and it is a lovely night to be in bed; I only wish I didn't have to get up for work, so I could stay up late and enjoy it.

Earned 16 APs today: 15 min low-intensity DDR, 75 min mod-intensity DDR, 60 min free weights, 20 min stairs (8x)

Weekly summary:
Earned 50 APs
10 hours (600 min) total activity
15.5 miles (24.9 kms) walked
12 FPs remaining
2.8 lbs lost

It was a good plan

Okay, so maybe I wouldn't sober up by the time I had to leave for work. I was late on account of I misunderstood what time D would be picking me up, and I had to call him on his cell phone en route and he was kind enough to turn around and come fetch me. I still feel awful about that, but I choose to blame K for telling me that he'd be picking me up at 7:00, when actually he would be picking me up to be there for 7:00. No harm done, I guess. I chattered the whole car ride, of which I remember very little. It seems like we got there entireally too quickly. I was silly and hyper and dancing and singing and basically still inebriated and D was hugely amused by me which is nice because he could have just as easily been pissed off by it. I wasn't worried on account of it not being a scheduled shift, the purpose being to get us caught up on the tasking and not to deal with customers. I expected to be done when the store opened, and I wasn't in uniform. Turns out we open earlier now, and there was so much to do, I didn't finish till 1:00pm instead of 10:00am, as planned. I was wiped when I finished; I'd gotten sober, and was really feeling how I had not eaten since the day before. I was so fatigued I didn't exercise when I got home, and instead have taken it pretty easy. If I wasn't so tired I would talk about last night, but last night will still be there to talk about tomorrow. T'is bed for me.

Uh-oh!

All right I goofed; never had supper, had a bunch of drinks, and have to be up in less than 3 1/2 hours for work! Not the ideal situation, but there it is. I'm happy and I had fun and I got to celebrate C's b-day and all is well. More tomorrow. I better sleep. Just an unscheduled 3-hour shift in the morning, but at the same time I should try t0 get some sleep...if nothing so I can sober up in time for work! XD!

I can't stop yawning

Quick post for me tonight. Not much to be said, today was good, not exceptional in any way. Was busy at work tasking, the time went really quickly. Forgot to take my lunch break so I just ended early and ate then. Got a ride home with D so I was able to get a river walk in before dark. The walk was a little torturous on account of I needed to pee sooo badly and it was all I could think about for 3/4 of the walk. I seriously considered skimming my pants down behind a bush, but didn't. I saw a grand total of 8 people for my whole walk, and of course there would be one person in sight just when I would see a likely spot. Oh well, it probably would have frozen anyway, wasn't very warm out. And probably a good thing I didn't pee outside, not really something one should be doing. Unless you're a man, then the world's your toilet. Must go make supper and try to forget that there is a football game on tonight that I really would love to see but am unable. Very sleepy for some reason....ZZzz..

Earned 7 APs today: 90 min brisk walking

A sense of calm

Oops! I somehow managed to completely forget about posting last night. I blame it on the fact that my schedule was thrown completely off by having to close at the store for the first time in a month, it must be. Strange how I always got closing shifts before, and after only a month, closing seemed so incredibly alien to me. I think it has to do with getting used to being asleep at 9pm, and up and out the door before dawn, then suddenly only being a couple hours into my shift and having the sun go down on me. I was so disoriented my whole shift, feeling like I should be home in bed or something, it felt like 2 in the morning. Definitely not the best shift I've ever worked. Somehow I managed to be silly in light of it all tho; I defiitely had some interesting chats with customers. What I hated is that a 6-hour closing shift felt 4 hours longer than an 8-hour morning shift. Guess I'll just have to adjust as best I can. The only thing is, I got home at 10:30pm, and had to eat make an eat supper at a time I am now used to being asleep by. Posting never entered my head. Maybe I will have to do it before leaving for evening shifts.

I had a bit of an odd conversation with a new co-worker in the lunch room when I was on break. I have absolutely no recollection of how the conversation started, but we ended up having a discussion about gastric bypass. Oh, I remember, now, we were talking about how coworkers always eat at McDonalds and I said I don't but the couple times I have, I get the turkey breast sub because it is the most calorie friendly, and he warned me about counting calories and it went on from there. I tried to express my opinion that surgery should be the last chance situation, and he got really defensive. Turns out he has family members who have had the surgery, and he is adament about how their lives have changed for the better. He couldn't seem to get it that I wasn't knocking gastric bypass, just that I don't believe it should be taken lightly, because there are such risks with surgery. He kept arguing that there are more risks with being obese. It was a weird conversation, I don't know why he decided to hash it out with me. He seemed to be very weight conscious. He seemed a fine shape to me, but he talked about how he had to lose and get back in shape. I don't know if he was talking about gastric bypass and how awesome it is, because he thinks I am owefully obese and need intervention. I wondered in an idle way what his motivation was, without feeling the slightest insult or need to defend myself or explain anything. Maybe he is just talkative, it takes time to understand new coworkers. How strange knowing I've been there a year and two months.

I read something on the WW boards today I think it was, a woman had posted about how she had prepared so thoroughly for the new Body For Life challenge, and that she felt such a sense of calm before starting. Another WW member posted, commenting that that is how she felt when she started WW. It struck me that that is exactly how I felt when I started WW....very calm. Well, yes, there was a great deal of excitement about starting my journey and being on my way, but underneath it all was a great sense of calm, and surity. I knew it was going to work, and that I was going to do it. There was no doubt. Nothing but calm. Mm.

Earned 7 APs yesterday: 85 min brisk walking

Earned 18 APs today: 20 min low-intensity DDR, 60 min mod-intensity DDR, 85 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

The Great Purge + 50 lb milestone = the Great Post of Nov. 25th

Never got to post last night or the night before. I ended up going to my girlfriend's house on Saturday and staying over, so no worries. Saturday was a good day, I got a reasonable amount of exercise in. DDR in the morning, and got to go for a nice river walk, which is always good.

Part I: The Great Purge

Saturday was the day of the Great Closet Purge of 2007. On Tuesday I went to a thrift store for the first time in my life and got some much needed clothes. I had to do training for work off site this week past, and that meant no uniform. I suddenly realised I really have nothing that fits anymore that's not sports wear. I especially wanted to find a pair of bluejeans, as the only pair I have left are terribly baggy and keep threatening to fall off. I also needed to look for more pants I could wear to work, as the ones I'm wearing now are also discovering how much fun it is to slip down over my hips. I tried to run to the bus stop last monday morning when I was afraid I would be too late to get my bus, and had to abort that plan halfway down the block when I just barely managed to catch my pants before they fell down past my butt cheeks. Thankfully it was still dark and my coat was long enough that no one could see my bum (albiet inside of panties), but one of my neighbours was outside with his dog and instead of making it obvious that I had to pull up my pants, I just discretely held onto the waistband where it was resting just at the hemline of my jacket, and walked sedately around the corner and out of sight and pulled them up again. For some reason I didn't want to broadcast to him that my pants almost fell off. I think that's just as amusing as almost losing my pants.

Either way the incident reinforced the idea that I need clothes that fit properly, so Tuesday I threw my day out the window, and went to the thrift store. As I said, it was my first time, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I was very very pleasantly surprised; there were tons of clothes, and lots of selection, and the clothes were in excellent condition. I had read other women's accounts of how they get overcome by a kind of craziness upon shopping in a thrift store for the first time and find themselves surrounded by so much possibility and cheapness, but I arrogantly thought I would be immune to this phenomena. Turns out I can be wrong sometimes (only sometimes) and I did actually find myself the victim of Thrift Store Virgin Mania. I spent almost 3 hours there, tried on half the clothing in the store (or so it felt like) and bought about one quarter of it (or so it felt like). It was a little depressing to see how there was still such little selection in the sizes over 18, and I wasn't able to get a suitable pair of bluejeans because what they had did not fit me properly, but I did get lots of other things that will be very useful. I got an awesome pair of dark jeans which are pretty dressy, and I was actually able to wear them to one of my training days, incidently with a white collar shirt that I had bought a few years ago when it was on sale, and have never been able to wear once because it was forever too small. Well it certainly fits now, and I felt like a million bucks in it. When I showed up for training, F complimented me which of course inspired me to do a runway walk and spin and show off, which she appreciated more than the outfit even (was the outfit I was wearing when I journalled on Thursday looking so fine). I got some clothes I can wear now, and I got more clothes that I will shrink into. There was one shirt in particular that I might not be able to wear until a lot closer to goal, but it was a beautiful top, and I absolutely fell in love with it and had to buy it so I could fit into it someday. It was so exciting to be trying on shirts that are XL and L, and having some of them actually fit me!!! I ended up spending $139, and got 5 pairs of pants and 15 shirts. That was a lot of money for me to shell out at one time with my budget, but I need clothes, and this way I won't have to buy much of anything till the spring, I expect, save maybe a pair of jeans. I even got a pair of pants I will be able to wear to work in another month or two. Got a really nice pair of size 16 slacks that will be suitable for dressy ocassions. I love the thrift store!!!!!!!

The problem is that with all my "new" clothes, I had no where to put them, and I decided that Saturday would be the day of the Great Purge in order to make room for them. Back when I first started WW, there was a Great Purge going on around the boards, and I remember reading about it, and thinking about how hard it is for me to throw things away, especially clothes! I knew it would be a long time before I needed to, but it was still exciting to imagine being able to wear smaller sizes. There have been times in the past when I have gone down a little in weight, but I have never thrown the larger clothes away, and always ended up fitting back into them again. This is the first time I have gone about losing weight in a serious way, and I knew from the get go that I would need to be strong, and to get rid of my oversized clothing when the time came. Last summer when I contemplated it, it seemed like a wonderful, positive thing, and I didn't think it would be hard aside from getting over my pack-rat tendency to hoard useless things. But the reality of it was a lot harder than I had expected. When I was reading posts from the Great WW Purge last summer on the boards, women were saying it was bittersweet, and I didn't understand that at all. I thought it would be a celebration of one's accomplishments!! It was for that very reason that I planned my own Great Purge for when I did, because I thought it would be an axciting, happy occassion. In truth, it was actually hard in many ways, and I was actually feeling some sadness over taking all these clothes out of my closet to get rid of. Aside from trying not to think about all the "money" I was getting rid of, I realised how attached I was to some of my clothing. My problem has been that I've always been poor, and have had to work hard to buy the things I do. I've never had a lot of clothes, and yes, I have been attached to the few nice things I've had. It was hard to look at them and know I am getting rid of them. Definitely bittersweet!

Despite the anxiety and bittersweetness of it all (yes, that is a word. I just invented it) I did go through all my clothes and make two piles; one for the bin and one for charity. In order to make it a more positive experience and to cheer myself up, I also tried on almost every article of clothing before tossing it, and went to look in the mirror. It was exciting to see that these clothes are so baggy on me now, and it really helped me be able to get rid of them, because even tho it looks so nice on the hanger and I love it, when I actually try it on, it really doesn't look very good anymore, because it does not fit me well at all. I'm glad I took the time to do that because it helped reinforce my accomplishments in my mind, and my reasons for doing it in the first place.

Unfortunately, the Great Closet Purge got interrupted ere the conclusion, because F called on her way from work and told me she was coming to pick me up to bring me to her place. I had to leave my flat looking like a disaster zone because I only had 10 min to get ready. I did however take the time to put the rubbish clothes into a bag and bring them downstairs with me to throw in the dumpster, as a way of finalising the Purge. The clothes for charity are still folded and in a number of piles on my DDR mat at the moment, but I just need to put them in a bag till I can get them off to someone who can use them. I had hoped to do a thorough housecleaning afterward, as I pulled a lot of other stuff out of the closet and left it all over in addition to the mess that has been the result of a chaotic week with no time put into cleaning (hence the disaster zone), but alas and alack, it all got abandoned in favour of the pursuit of fun and happiness and Rock Band playing. When we got to F's, the boys were already there and jamming, and eventually we joined in. F did some singing, and they stuck me on drums. I actually acquitted myself rather well, if I do say so myself, tho not as well as they were making it out to be I think. After a few hours I switched to singing, as I had trouble following the screen and I was getting clumsy. Drumming (even on fake drums) really does take a lot out of you physically! The bass pedel in particular is taxing on the leg...I thought after "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden that I was going to have a charley horse, but I managed to survive it. It hurts, but this game is so much fun you don't care at all.

On Sunday, I did some calculating with the online tracker, and settled on Special K and eggs for breakfast. F and L made supper, and I didn't worry about counting points, because I had almost all my FPs left, as well as a lot of my DPs. We had fajitas, and I made sure to use only a hint of cheese, and to use way more vegetables than beef. I also avoided the sour cream, even tho it was low fat. F got whole wheat pitas for she and I to use, and I had one pita with beef stir fry, and half a one with chicken. Ohh, sometimes I forget just how good meat actually tastes! They always feed me well when I'm over there. We jammed again Sunday evening, and I ended up not getting home till after midnight, but I honestly had an obscene amount of fun playing with the guys and it was worth missing out on exercising and housecleaning in order to have some fun for once! It's a good thing I don't have Rock Band myself, or I probably wouldn't exercise or eat or sleep for that matter. Sometimes it's good to be poor...lol! I had not hung out at F's house since before I started WW, which is just insane, I loved being able to hang out and have a good time. My life has been a whole lot of work and exercise and sadly scarce on fun and good times. Hopefully I can go jam with the gang again this weekend, I would love to be able to do that! We've all been so busy, I need to remember that working fun and relaxation into my week is just as important as working the exercise in there.

Part II: 50 lb milestone

I had a great WI that put me at the 50 lb lost mark, or so I am saying, since I was only off the scale by .2 and I had water before I weighed, so that's definitely close enough for government work!

50 pounds lost!!! 50 POUNDS!!!! WHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost can't believe I've gotten this far already! The time has gone in a blink, it is almost scary. When I think how in less than a year I could be at goal, it just fills me with squee and glee! I'm almost halfway there!

One of the best parts is realising how awesome it is that I started when I did. If I had put it off, and kept waiting, I would still have so much farther to go. But I started and worked hard and here I am at 50 pounds gone and feeling great!

My contemplations/accomplishments/highlights/whatnot of the first 50:

• I've definitely had my eyes opened as to just how unhealthy I was living before, in terms of the way I used to eat. I would eat one enormous meal a day, and the amount of calories I would consume in that meal would probably last me a week on WW. The thing is, the food I was eating never used to seem THAT bad to me a lot of the times, I thought it was just the junk food doing it mostly. Turns out it was definitely both!


• Losing weight is doing wonders for my feelings of self-efficacy. With every week I have success, I have become more confident in who I am, and in my ability to reach my goals. Success definitely breeds success, I am living the proof of that! I can actually work toward something and achieve it! I still can't apply it uniformly across the board to everything I do, but I am learning to!


• I've developed a great pride in myself and what I am doing. Not the flashy, in-your-face kind of pride, but the personal, quiet kind of pride that I carry inside me and just lights up everything I do. I don't hide that I am losing weight, but the only ones I really talk about it with are my close friends. I'm not boastful, but I am still proud. I do talk to my close friends about my accomplishments, and I feel good about that. I love not being constantly ashamed about how I look and how I live. I love being able to tell people that I am eating healthy and exercising. I love being able to order food around other people, and grocery shop with others, and not be the least bit embarrassed. Being proud is deinfitely something I am NOT used to!
• I actually get cold now! When I bought clothes, I bought LONG SLEEVE SHIRTS!!! I turn the heat on in my flat!!! Since when have I ever felt cold it it wasn't 26 below zero???


• I've introduced activity and exercise into my life, and I have made it a priority. I don't know which I am more pleased with; the fact that I'm able to exercise, or the fact that I have actually made it a priority. I worried that I might start off well, but then would slack on it, but as the weeks have gone by, I've only started doing more instead of less. I've started to contemplate introducing running to my exercise regime as well. That's still in the future at this point, but it is becoming something I seriously want to be able to do.


• I have lost 7 inches off my waist alone. Earlier this week I was feeling down for no reason and took my measurement. Then I went back and got the tape and measured it out to my initial size, then looped it around myself to actually see what 7 inches works out to, because it is apparently impossible for me to visualise it in my head. I was astonished at how much that tape stretched around me! I felt I could almost hula-hoop with it! Extremely motivating!


• I have discovered I have collar bones and a ribcage, after both scared me with their presence. It is definitely a frightening experience to be distracted and to suddenly be aware of something hard and protruding that you never noticed before. The ribs in particular had me freaking for 5 minutes, trying to figure out why I was swollen or distended in my chestal area. I am looking forward to more scary moments of "What the heck is THIS?!?!?!?!" followed by meeting another body part for the first time.

There's probably more I want to say about all this, but I think that's lots for now. The journal will still be there tomorrow, and the day after, and so on. I'm just very tired and content. I will post last week's summary...definitely my lowest amount of APs yet, but I'm not beating myself up over it. I need to take care of myself, and sometimes that will mean taking time for me that doesn't involve sweating and burning calories. Well, not in a meticulous, calculated way, anyway ;)

Weekly summary:
Earned 28 APs
5.8 hours (250 min) total activity
10.5 miles (16.9 kms) walked
? FPs remaining
1.8 lbs lost

Friday night

I'm actually pretty surprised I had enough energy left over to make a journal entry. I was doing the free weights a couple hours ago and I thought I was going to have to give up halfway through. It seemed so exhausting and difficult tonight. I guess it is because the last few weeks I've not been getting as much activity in as I had gotten used to. It seems that is something for me to work on. I had hoped to get in an hour of DDR, but that was apparently not destined to be tonight. My legs are achy, and I am so tired. It was a good day however, most especially for a Friday. It felt strange to be back at the store after being gone since Monday, and I loved working a shift with D again. We were enjoying the pre-opening chaos that is Friday, rocking out to music, and he stopped to tell me that he was very happy and that he really must have missed me, which I thought was just about the sweetest thing ever. I'm going to miss our morning shifts together most dreadfully, even the terrible Tuesdays and friggin Fridays. We kicked ass today and put up incredible numbers. I think I've definitely benefited from being able to spend this time with him this last month. My schedule is shifting more to afternoons/early evenings next week, and I hate how I'll be in the middle of the day. It makes it all but impossible to get anything done before or after. At least with all closing shifts, I don't have to leave till afternoon, and I have all morning to get activity in. With these shifts next week, I'll have to try to squeeze some in before, and some after. I guess I'll just have to make it work somehow, there is definitely nothing I can do about it. The humanity!

Earned 12 APs today: 90 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Catch-up

First, let the record show that I am looking god-damned FINE right now.

Recap: Sunday morning F called re: tentative plans we had made last week about possibly seeing a movie on Tuesday night. Since I am creeping up on my 50 lb milestone, I have been thinking about what I might do to celebrate (after a conversation with M). I had mentioned to F and D that we must do something fun, and suggested maybe a movie. We decided that Beowulf would be a good movie to see, and had thought we would go Tuesday night on cheap night. I knew I would probably not be at my 50 lb yet, but would be close enough seeing that it can be hard to get everyone free one night, and this Tuesday night F would not have class for some reason, so the timing was good. But on Sunday, F calls and tells me that she had been reading up on Beowulf and found out that it had been made for digital 3D and that we really should be watching the movie as it had been intended, and that we should go see the movie in an IMAX theater. Since that would involve going to the US, I was hesitant at first, and initially said no. However, after considering that the cost would still just me 12 bucks, and that this really would be a unique experience, as I have never been in IMAX or seen 3D, that I really should do it. Since L wanted to pick up Rock Band for XBox 360 that was going to be released at 12:01am Monday night/Tuesday morning, she said they were going to see the movie Monday evening, then hit the particular Best Buy that was having the midnight launch and pick up the game, as it is not releasing this side of the border until next month. So they picked me up and we had an enjoyable (albiet nerve-wracking!...N is definitely a T.O. driver!!!) drive to Sterling Heights. We got a little lost, as we didn't know the exact whereabouts of the theater, but eventually we got to the right place. We got there just as it was starting, but strangely the previews were showing upside down. Then they stopped. Then the lights came back up. Then an employee came in and told us they were having a problem with the projector, and to please be patient. Then they got it working and the movie started. Then my jaw hit the floor. I do not have the words to describe how incredible this experience was. I had never seen 3D, but apparently this digital 3D blows old 3D out of the water, according to L and N who had seen it before. The animation was awesome on its own, but paired with the 3D, it was absolutely stunning. I was constantly flinching and trying to dodge things that seemed like they were going to hit me. With the depth, you truly feel like you are a part of the movie. I have never imagined anything like this movie experience, you are just constantly amazed by it. The unfortunate thing is that they weren't able to fix the projector, and about 15-20 min before the end of the movie, the projector blew again, and they came in to tell us that they wouldn't be able to get the thing going again. The apologised a million times, and said they were giving everyone free passes. The four of us just sat there as everyone else left the theater. I think we were rather in denial. Finally we got up and went down to talk to the manager, and asked if we could have our money back instead, because we were from out-of-country, and were not planning to make the drive back anytime soon. The manager gave us our money back, and gave us the free passes anyway, and told us there is an AMC in Canada now, and that if we ever get up to Toronto, that we could use the pass then. We probably should have been furious at having gone all that way and get jipped for the ending, but the thing is, the movie experience was that incredible, that we were too exhilerated to be angry. Yes, there was disappointment for not knowing the ending, but we were thrilled with the experience and couldn't stop raving about it the whole way to the Best Buy. I would tell everyone and anyone that if they had a chance to see Beowulf in digital 3D, that they do it, even if they have to drive a distance, or not see the end of the movie...you would not regret it! After the movie we went so the boys could wait in line for Rock Band, and F and I spent some quality time chatting in the car out of the wind and cold, tho I did spend some time in the lineup, and comandeered N's IPod and perused his playlist of 10 billion songs and got to hear a fellow that sings like a toilet. F was in a good mood and I was hyper and the boys were cheerful and the whole night was such fun and I had a wonderful time. My 50 lb celebration extremely memorable and exciting, I am so happy with the night!

All right, the recap will have to end there, as I have to eat and get to bed. As it was I only got to write this because I had to wait to pick F up at school, and had a spare half hour to journal most of the draft earlier this afternoon. We visited an ill coworker tonight, and I'm running late. This whole week has been a bust, I've gotten no exercise in! Looks like the next three days will be jam packed with as much as I can fit in.

Unscheduled

I had an argument with my friend and I'm almost too depressed to breathe right now. Definitely too depressed too eat...I can't decide if that's pathetic or not. Either way I couldn't care less at the moment. Life definitely sucks.

The best laid schemes of mice and men

I had allotted an hour of my time today after supper to spend time journalling, as I have a bunch of things I want to say, but alas and alack! life went and happened again, and here I am needing to sleep and no time to journal. I ended up hearing from a dear friend, and my best laid scheme was tossed out the window in favour of spending some quality time, and no regrets for a lovely evening of catching up. It was a good day, and I will have to talk about it tomorrow if I can.

Earned 2 APs today: 20 min brisk walking

A time to celebrate, a time to sleep

So today was the day I did something fun to celebrate losing 50 pounds....only I haven't lost it yet. Definitely a story there, and definitely going to have to wait till tomorrow. It is much later than I am used to being up these days, and the huge yawns cracking my face every 49 seconds are making it very difficult to type. I will make an account of myself tomorrow. Right now delle go sleepy bye...

Football Sunday

And a surprising Sunday it was; I don't think I've ever watched an exciting Redskins game before. I guess there really is a first for everything.

I am still obscenely proud of doing those stairs last night. I'm even more pleased today upon realising there were little after effects; I was able to walk and sit just fine today overall, no pain! I did DDR this morning, and that was a little hard. I couldn't make my legs move fast enough to tackle the hard songs, but that is no different than trying to play after a day of work. Then I went for a river walk, and when I got back from that, I was feeling an ache in my leg muscles, but still no pain. Looks like I'll be including stairs as a regular part of my exercise regime from now on.

There were some things I was going to mention, but my brain just went blank. That seems to happen around this time every evening now. Guess I'll have to save it for next time. Might not be tomorrow, if I go Stateside with F, won't get home till after midnight.

Earned 18 APs today: 10 min low-intensity DDR, 60 min mod-intensity DDR, 90 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Weekly summary:
Earned 53 APs
10.5 hours (630 min) total activity
15 miles (24.1 kms) walked
9 FPs remaining
0.6 lbs lost

Praise Jesus!

Miracles do happen! No gain for my WI this week, that is always so motivating when I am expecting one! Two pounds to go till I reach my 50...maybe next week!

Right now I am disgustingly proud of myself. I did something that I have been contemplating for months, but have never been brave enough to try until tonight. I tackled the stairs in my building and attempted high-intensity exercise for the first time!!!!! With dark coming so early, and me getting home so late from work these days, I'm not having a chance to get my river walks in. I had intended to go today, since I didn't have to work, but it was raining and with the temp dropping my ice phobia starts to kick in. I've known once winter sets in I'll need some other way of getting my activity in, and the more weight I work off, the more I'll need to step up the intensity if I don't want to spend every free moment I have exercising. The stairs in my building have always been there, and I've always thought about them, but to be honest I was scared of them too. When I decided earlier today to give them a try, I was in a state of low level apprehension all afternoon. I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle it, that after a couple of minutes I would poop out. As long as I didn't try, it was always there as my backup, but if I tried and couldn't do it, then it would no longer be an option, and I'd be in a bad space come winter. Not to mention how down I'd feel for not being able to do it. Stairs are somewhat of an issue with me, I hate being in public and huffing after a few flights when no one else is, especially when taking them with a friend who is fresh and fine and I end up feeling so self-conscious. Well, I just showed myself that I can kick those stairs' ARSE and then some! 20 MINUTES BABY.....OH YEAH!!! Yes, after a while I was huffing and puffing, and yes, I sweated like a pig, but I still did it! Silly me forgot to keep track of how many times I went up and down, but according to how long it was taking me each time, I think it was 8 times up 7 flights of stairs and down again. I am so thrilled!!! Once a couple years ago I had to take the stairs here, and I thought I was going to pass out....that was one time going up! My legs were shaking and I was panting for air, I think it was 15 min before I got back to normal physically. It's not just working off pounds, I am getting in shape in other ways too! I'm gaining muscle, and I am getting more fit aerobically, or however you would say it. I don't care how you say it, all that matters is that it is working, and I am doing things I never thought I could! Now, to make supper...as soon as I get the bones back in my legs...LOL!

Earned 11 APs today: 20 min low-intensity DDR, 60 min mod-intensity DDR, 20 min stairs

Another week ending..

..and another Friday with me falling asleep at 8:30pm. Maybe I'll manage to stay up late tonight and not sleep till 9:30. I don't know if I could handle that much excitement tho. Today was much better than yesterday; for a Friday, work was fricking awesome. It was so busy and chaotic at times, but I just went with it, and was in a good mood all day. S had his music on by our dept and that makes the pre-opening hours extremely enjoyable. The customer I have a huge crush on also stopped by today, and we had a nice chat. I rarely get to see him so that was very exciting. I need to stop falling in love with the customers. D and I played hockey after our shift, and I actually got a bunch of goals on him! We took the long way home to enjoy the drive, then went shopping for groceries. Once upon a time I would have been self conscious to do that, but now I'm proud of my food choices and have no reason to be embarrassed or to avoid the whole thing. I was tempted by junk food, but the only thing I got were the baked Doritos, as Doritos have always been my fav chips. Chocolate was calling to me tho, and I've also been craving hamburgers and fries and such at times. It's so hard at work because everyone always gets McDonald's from next door, and it smells so good I always end up wanting some too. I don't understand how they can eat it day after day after day, I don't understand how they're not all huge. Myself, I think I'll always have to be careful, and as it is, I'm expecting a gain at WI tomorrow. Whenever I've weighed myself this week I've been way up. I'm not worried, as TOM was here, and it is to be expected sometimes. A STS would be wonderful however, maybe I'll get another one of those miracles!

Ravages of spirit

I have little to say tonight. I've withdrawn inside myself to a degree, tho not so bad as usual. It was somewhat of an emotional day for me, ups and downs. There was happiness and sadness, and fun and now meloncholy. At once I am both wanting not to eat, and to eat endlessly. I compromised somewhere in the middle, had some comfort food, but only a little, and it was still pretty healthy. I just didn't stress about meeting the guidelines. I'm going to go to bed shortly. No exercise for me today either, chose to be with my friends instead. I don't know why I am like this; TOM is gone and the hormones should be calmed down for a few weeks. Oh well, tomorrow is another day, isn't it?

There once was a man named Michael Finnigan..

..and he grew whiskers on his chinnigan!

Sometimes post titles just insist on writing themselves. I had not planned to post till after I had my supper, which will be a late one on account of I had a late dinner and wasn't hungry yet when I got back from my walk, so I decided to do my free weights first (I've increased my reps tonight!). I should still be making my supper right now tho as it is getting late, but I noticed a friend is online and messaged, but he hasn't messaged me back yet, so I know he's away from his comp. Figured I might as well post while I'm here.

Today was a good day for me. I slept well (was having some steamy dreams to boot), and enjoyed my morning listening to music and ripped some of my cds so I can expand on my exercise music for walking. I saw SBG and we had a lovely time, I actually fulfilled my promise to him that I made way back last spring. I can't believe where the time has gone. We've not seen much of each other lately, what with him being ill, and I actually had forgotten about it, but we're all square now, and I actually had a good time, so there you go. I played DDR, and this time I took out the jumps for all songs, as I noticed the last time I played that the jumps severely aggravated that bad muscle in my back. I think there has been some little improvement, but it is still not good. It still bothers me that there is numbness there. I wish it would just sort itself out already!

TOM seems to have left abruptly this month, I don't know if he wasn't enjoying my company, or if maybe he is planning a more lengthly visit next time. Either way I will take it, less expense, less mess, less hassle and less discomfort! And most importantly, less moodiness!!! I was so happy today while I was walking, for absolutely no reason at all. I was so happy to have my Happy Music on, and to be exercising and feeling good. If it is possible to dance whilst walking at a brisk pace, I managed to do it today. I think I just felt extra good with the retreat of the hormones that has made me so down there for a few days, because before my period I was very happy with things and nothing happened that would bring me down otherwise. I wonder if life will always be this way for me, overall, from now on. It will be interesting to see whether this is the last big piece of the puzzle I've been fitting together for years now.

Earned 17 APs today: 60 min DDR, 85 min brisk walking, 65 min free weights

Terrible Tuesday..

..was not quite so terrible as usual..lol. Last Tuesday was a good day too, so I guess it is not unheard of. Busy busy busy at work, but we were in decent shape when the store opened, and despite having to cope with Wiis, the day went well enough. The angry customers did seem to come out in droves today tho, but I didn't let their rudeness ruin my good mood. I hate knowing that we'll only see more of them the closer we get to Christmas. How awful it is that instead of being happy to get ready for this holiday everyone supposedly loves so much, so many people turn into stressed, impatient jerks. Well, they can have their holiday of stress and aggravation, I certainly don't miss it.

I'm trying something new this week; eating more points at breakfast and dinner time, and less at supper. I'd been finding the past few weeks that on days I work, I'm getting really hungry about mid-morning, and wanting to break for dinner at 10am. I wouldn't, tho, because I want to have the staying power in the afternoon to carry me to suppertime, but it was getting annoying to have my tummy so rumbly at 10 in the morning. I decided that cereal alone wasn't going to cut it, and the past two mornings I've also had two eggs in addition to my beloved All Bran. I think it might do the trick, I don't remember being hungry until dinnertime, so maybe the protein is just what I needed. I've also started eating a few more points for dinner, and less at supper. I think I got into a supper routine, and have been eating the same meal out of habit, and ignoring the fact that I am often uncomfortably full after all that food. Of course, my problem has always been craving that feeling of being physically full, so I've been okay with doing that. But if I'm going to eat more for my other two meals, then the points must need come from someplace, and I will not dip more into my FPs than I have been. It's a weird feeling not being full after supper, but if I monitor how I feel, I'm also not hungry. I'm hoping this will go well for me, I think it's important to get used to eating smaller meals as I keep losing DPs. Food is a fuel, not a recreation or a comfort; I need to manage it in a way that gets me through the day in an energetic manner, not in a way that satisfies my preferences of when I would like to eat or how full I would like to be at certain times. If I need more incentive I just need to remember my conversation with G at work today, and how he responded to my comment about how I don't eat sweet stuff anymore, that he could see I've lost a lot of weight and that whatever I'm doing, it's definitely working. I was so thrilled to have someone else mention it, and when I told him I'd believed no one at work had noticed, he said, "Ohh, no!" so I guess maybe they have started to notice, but aren't mentioning it to me. I think G was comfortable because he has also been losing weight. He's looking really good. I thought it was wonderful of him to say that to me, and I told him he made my day. It was a much better experience finding out they're talking about me in relation to me getting thinner than finding out they're bitching me out behind my back. I couldn't stop smiling. I don't need anyone's approval, but I am proud of what I am doing, and I like that people around me are able to see the results of my effort now. I've spent the vast majority of my life feeling ashamed of myself for how I look and how I lived, and feeling like people talked about me negatively for these things. I love having feeling that what I am doing is worthy, and that no one would be justified in being negative about my lifestyle. I love feeling proud and comfortable with what I'm doing and not having to fear recrimination. It's so liberating!!

Earned 7 APs today: 85 min brisk walking

Monday, Monday

I had been having some very nice dreams when I had to wake up for work this morning. In particular, I was wearing a very beautiful dress, fancy hair, hot date...and I was SKINNY! At first I wasn't, but I made it happen. Just as I'm making it happen now. I can't wait to find out how I will look as a thin person, it is like the anticipation of all the Christmases I ever experienced as a child all combined into one big squeearific blissfest of excitement. I was on the WW boards for a bit when I was coming down after work, and was in the process of posting congratulations to a woman who had reached her 50lb milestone, when suddenly it hit me like a tonn of bricks when I was thinking how I will be there soon too; when I reach 50, I will be almost halfway to my goal!!! It suddenly blew my mind, thinking how I am almost halfway there, I can't hardly comprehend it! Theoretically, in the same amount of time that has passed since I started (give a little) I could be at goal!!!!!!!! Of course, I know that is too optomistic, and I am not expecting that or even aiming for it really, because I believe it is too unrealistic to expect the same rate of weight loss in the second half of the process as I experienced in the first, but it just put it in perspective for me. It feels like hardly any time at all since I started. Knowing how quickly it has passed, and yet here I am on the verge of being halfway, tells me that as hard as it is to have to wait and be patient, the end is going to come much sooner than I would think it would. When I started, the end eemed forever away, but 4 1/2 months have gone in a blink. Even if it takes twice that more to get to where I want to be, what's two blinks? It is not so far away. It is not in the far away distance. It is getting closer with every single day I work it. It is coming soon, I could even count it in months. I don't know how many, of course, but I honestly believe I will reach goal less than a year from now, so that means months, not years. And the months have been passing so quickly. I have been so focussed and dedicated to reaching my goal. It is paying off, and all I have to do is keep doing what I am doing. It is going to happen, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. Oh, the thought of not having to wait till I am asleep and dreaming to have the experience I had this morning...only to have to look in the mirror to see that beautiful skinny girl I dream about being!

Football Sunday

Another Sunday is almost over; Cowboys beat the Giants, GB is still on top, Lions lost on the road again, and my babies managed to pull off a win. No Sunday night game for me tho, I have to be up early for work, and I'll be in bed soon. It looks like I'll have a lot of FPs left over this week, I'm not exactly sure how that happened. I know I had used more than I usually do early in the week, but after that, who knows. Maybe I should have a closer look at my tracker tomorrow when I am more capable of thinking coherently. TOM showed up this morning, and I'm very glad, because my mood was ever so much better today. I was still in bed and I was already smiling, which is a good sign. Hormones really are the bane of my existence. Okay, I'm suddenly dead in my brain, so I will take the blank as a sign to sign off. Oh, I had a great loss this week, I had intended to mention that, at least.

Earned 19 APs today: 60 min DDR, 115 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Weekly summary:
Earned 50 APs
9.9 hours (595 min) total activity
16 miles (25.8 kms) walked
17.5 FPs remaining
3.8 lbs lost