Being okay

Yesterday and today turned out rather differently than expected, I've not had much time online before now really. Watched a bit of football yesterday with a friend, and some House, MD, which is my current obsession. I didn't make great food choices, but for the most part I didn't have a whole lot of say in the meals, but I did make some effort and tried to control portions. I had most of my flex so even tho I wasn't able to count, I'm not calling the weekend a write-off by any means. I really must get back to exercising regularly, no matter about my elliptical being broken, it will probably help balance things out. I've not slept well the past few nights and I'm really tired tonight. My back has been aching because my period was looming, and now that it's started I'm hoping the aches and the cramps will stop. I'm also hoping I get to sleep easily tonight and that the insomnia that has come back to plague me buggers off and lets me get to bed at a decent hour. If I end up staying awake all night I'm sure I'll end up hungry and having cravings, I had a really early and light supper today. Fingers crossed for sweet dreams tonight!

When did Saturday happen??

I know the time is passing quickly, but this week went super fast. I keep getting disoriented about what day it is, and I'm always behind. I only have a few minutes but I wanted to post since I didn't have a chance to do it yesterday. I got a call from the building manager yesterday and she told me that contractors would be by in the afternoon to fix my heat, which was a very welcome call. Two very nice, polite young gentleman showed up and sorted it out for me and now I have a few thermostate and a new hole in the wall because the wires were such a mess inside they had to do some sort of a bypass, but they put a plate on it and it is tidy enough, they even swept up the mess from the carpet. Right now I'm on my way out the door and my ride just showed up. I just wanted to let the record show that I did go out to dinner last night, and wasn't able to count the points, but I did however take a lot of care to try and control my portions, and ate as slowly as I could manage and waited a while before seconds and drank lots of water, so go me!

Momentamum

I got a surprise yesterday when I logged onto the WW site to access the food tracker so I could sort out my meals, and discovered that WW has done a bit of an overhaul to their program. I used to follow the Points system, but now they're calling it Momentum or some such. What used to be very straightforward is now less straight forward, however, after some reading and frowning I discovered that it is more or less the same ideas, just structured a little differently. The main change is that WW is now (THANKFULLY!!!!!!!) talking about the specific kinds of foods that people should be eating. It talks about 'filling foods' and how there are foods that make you feel full longer and that it is good to try to incorporate as many of these into your diet as possible. It gives a list of sorts, but it is an excellent framework, particularly because they gave none before, aside from the 8 Healthy Guidelines. It took me a lot of reading and researching to learn about what types of foods I should be eating, and I was honestly very disappointed and frustrated that WW gave so little nutritional information. The filling foods list is made up of whole grains and specific types of veggies and lean meats and such, many of which make up the brunt of my diet, but let me tell you, it took months and months before I realised which foods are better for me. It's one thing to say eat fruits and veggies and stay away from high-fat/cal food, but for those of us who are clueless about nutrition, it is actually really hard to know which foods give you the most gain. I'm on a budget but it takes a lot to fill me up, so I was really motivated to find foods that give me the most bang for my buck. It's good to see that WW is putting emphasis on these types of foods, even tho most of my foods already come in on this list, I'll still be able to get some new ideas from it. Interestingly the food tracker now has a hunger tracker, and while they only give you options for a specific number of meals a day, I'm still going to give that a try. Yesterday I made a supper meal but ended up boxing up the rice dish because I felt full by the time I got to it and so I'll have it for supper today. It was nice to be full and satisfied but still have food left, all my food yesterday came off the filling foods list, looks like I've been making good choices!

As long as your toes aren't blue, you're fine

I've embarked on the delightfully fun task of battling to get my thermostat fixed so that hopefully this winter I don't have to use the oven to get warm sometimes. I was informed by the maintainence guy today that the company who owns my building have decided in the past that they don't have to do anything as long as you are getting the legal minimum of 72 degrees of heat. He said this after insulting me rather thoroughly by asking me what the problem was, ignoring my explanation, and then giving me a lecture on how to operate the thermotat (apparently you turn it up higher to make more heat come out...no wonder I've been cold!). I have a headache and I'm dealing with food cravings and I really wish this heat problem resolves with little fuss. I've two days of clean eating under my belt (or would if I had one). I've been craving potatoes like mad, so yesterday I bought some (first time I've done that) and had some with supper. I need to work on the recipe tho, they came out too liquidy. I had some difficulties last night when I was feeling incredibly driven to eat even tho I don't really think it was hunger. I honestly had trouble telling. I decided to have a snack, and used flex for it, and am telling myself that it's going to take some time before I get my groove back. I'm feeling good about it tho, I'm determined to make it through and hopefully in a few weeks my once-loose jeans will stop being snug.

Ix-nay on the ocolate-chay

I did really well yesterday food-wise, I had planned out my meals, but I ended up pushing aside my supper after only eating half of it. That was not an issue because I had planned a big meal and had been using flexies to take care of it. I was just so hungry most of the day that I figured I'd be extra hungry. I'm glad I didn't eat it just because I could, one of my biggest issues is wanting to eat till I'm stuffed.

I had to white knuckle it a few times yesterday tho, one time in particular while talking to a friend and a lengthy conversation about food ensued, with a big focus on chocolate and included detailed stories about chocolate shops and emporiums and eventually I had to insist the conversation move away from the food because it was definitely triggering massive cravings.

I have such a weakness for chocolate and dessert, it's one of the big things I'm struggling with right now. I suppose my brain is low in seratonin and is extra motivated to think about the chocolate, but knowing the why of it doesn't help me much, other than telling me I should try to up the level of my cheerful chemicals some other way. It would be so much easier if I could just drink a bottle of seratonin and call it good...I wonder how many calories it would be?

Cancel the fanfare, please

I've gone another long stretch without posting, so now I'm going to try something completely radical...posting earlier in the day!

Well okay, so maybe it's not THAT radical of a concept, but I have always and forever posted here at the end of the day. I wanted to keep that up (did I mention I can be resistent to change??), mostly because I felt it would help me get back into my old routine.

So here I am finally admitting that the old routine is dead and in the past and that I need to mourn it and think of it kindly because it served me so well...and then move on.

Right now my priority is getting a routine back, period. I have said a few times that my life is different now than it had been over the year I was losing the majority of the weight, but I suppose I have not truly appreciated just HOW different my life is. In some ways I actually have a lot more time on my hands, but at the same time there are some very different factors. Not being employed means I can structure my day however I want, but it also means that I am feeling too demotivated and depressed to want to do anything with my day at all. I also find that I have a tiny bit of a social life, so while before my evenings were always spent at home if I wasn't working, now I find myself with plans a lot of evenings, which has been one of the main reasons that my whole comfortable routine of writing in my journal at the end of the day no longer works for me. Add in that I like to write about what I did, and I've not been successful at doing much of anything lately, and the end result is no journalling at all.

I've struggled with it, but I am still so much of a perfectionist that it often hampers me and reaching my goals. The thing I don't like about writing early in the day is that I'll probably spell out all my goals and things I want to accomplish that day, which is awesome, but what happens if I slack off and don't do any of them?? That means the next day I'll have to admit to that. It is easier to say what you've done at the end of the day then to say what you want to do, because in one you're just reporting, but in the other you're actually committing yourself *cue scary music* How terrifying that I might actually have to follow through on something...I might fail! Then I'll look like a failure! And feel like a failure! And probably actually BE a failure!! Ohh, the woe!

But then I suppose there is an alterative to all the scariness..I suppose I could just write without actually going crazy on spelling out all the wonderful productive things I'm going to do with my day, and instead just play it by ear. Tho admittedly, it wouldn't hurt me to make a few small committments, and then stick to them. Today I had been planning to eat completely OP, but a big part of me would also like to try to get some activity in, mainly because I have been battling insomnia again, and sweating more during my day will very likely make it less difficult for me to fall asleep at night. I'm just not sure how to go about it; I was getting into a groove over this past month of getting back into activity, and I was starting to log some great regular time on my elliptical and was getting into a routine with it, when the damn thing broke, and I need to find a new bolt for one of the steps someplace because the old one is stripped. I was honestly very pissed when this happened, because walks aren't much of an option for me right now, and I loved having the option to get high intensity cardio right here at home.

But whatever, I'll get that sorted when I can, I'll have to figure out something else to do. It's a beautiful winter's day out (read, cloudy and snowing...mmm!), and I'm going to make the most of it...non-specifically!

Stillness of a different quality

I woke up today wanting to lift, but I ended the day not having done it. I got caught up with doing stuff on the comp, and the next thing I knew the afternoon was gone and I had to get my walk in before dark. I want to have enough time to go over what exercises I will do in my new regime, as I'm still not exactly sure which ones I will be using. I also have one of those swiss balls or whatever they're called, but I've not had a chance to use it yet, and I want to puruse the DVD that came with it.

In the end, I'm not disappointed that I didn't actually lift, but instead I'm thrilled that I wanted to. Today was a great day, I felt focussed and in control. I had cravings and such, but I was able to stay strong without having to struggle to do so. I love feeling like I am getting my mojo back, I want to see the scale moving down again, and I want to end my days happy with the choices I made.

The thought ocurred to me while I was walking this evening that even tho I put about 15 lbs back on again, there were still some positives to the last few months and the time I spent off plan. The last year I've been literally almost constantly preoccupied with losing weight, to the point of obsession. I knew that I was obsessed, but I chose to just go with it because I also knew it was a temporay thing. My main goal was to lose as much as I could before my trip home in July, it had never been my intention to maintain that kind of intensity forever. Nonetheless, despite knowing I was working toward an end point and was not meaning to go on as I was indefinitely, I was still left out of sorts and directionless after I got back from my trip. I never really thought too specifically about what came after, and as a result I really struggled when I tried to find a groove to get back into. It of course did not help that I had spent two weeks not tracking, eating various foods, and not exercising. The consequences were that I ended up slipping completely off plan, but in getting back on track I am finding that I am no longer obsessed with losing weight, and that somewhere in the last few months I have adjusted to being in this new body. It's starting to feel natural and more real to me than it did before the trip. I still want to lose more weight and get to my goal, but it's not consuming my every waking thought, it's not a constant worry. The race is over, so to speak, now that the trip is done, and I'm not feeling pressured by time. Now is where I need to settle more into a lifestyle, and find a routine and a groove that will work for me for now on. It's almost as tho I need to prepare to maintain, even tho I had a ways to go before I reach goal. Despite not being OP the past couple of months, I still think I learned some things about what it is like to just live this lifestyle without constantly thinking about it. It gave me a chance to think about other things and get some distance from the frenzied obsessed me I had been for the past year. I've had my struggles in getting back on track the past week or two, but I am enjoying the sense of calm I am feeling right now. I want to get more of my focus, but I also want to maintain this sense of calm, and to refrain from becoming obsessed all over again. I knew that was temporary, so let now be about finding a new headspace that I can embrace and go forward with.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

You know I love you baby please don't go

I had a busy day but a good one. I did housework and laundry and my comp work and got a river walk in, and J took me shopping so I was able to stock up on things I needed. It's always a nice feeling to have the fridge full of healthy freggies and the cupboards stocked with things I like to cook with. The bill is NEVER nice, but unfortunately that part can't be avoided. I often wish food was free, but I suppose that would cause a lot more problems, still I wish certain healthy foods were cheaper. I started to say I wish they were cheaper than certain junk foods, but I deleted that because I thought back over the past couple months when I was eating off plan a lot, and to be honest I was paying more for the types of food I was eating then than I do when I'm eating OP. That's something to keep in mind, especially these days when I have no income.

But never mind that, the point is that I was able to do a proper shopping trip for the first time in a very long time, and it's nice knowing I have what I need right now without having to plan my meals around what I don't have in stock, or knowing I have to go shopping before I can make something. That's fine in the summer months, but the weather is starting to get cold and wet and I would prefer not to shop day to day like I often do in the warm months.

J was also kind enough to take me to Chapters so I could get the 10th and 11th books of the Sword of Truth series, and I am in an absolute lather over burrowing into them as soon as I can. I want to try and portion them out so that I don't binge on them and make them end too soon, but it will be difficult! I had the thought that I should make reading a reward for getting my work or particularly my exercise done, the same way I have saved my Angel DVDs to only watch when I exercise. It will kill two birds and will help me reach goal in the meantime.

We ate out for supper, which I thought was a possibility and had so saved my points and made extra sure I got activity in. I had no idea where we would go however, so I wasn't able to plan my meal, but I did track it when I got home. I did really well, but I did go into the flexies again, which is something I have wanted to avoid this week, but I didn't go in by much. I had the chicken fajitas and they were soo tastey. I also said not to bring the guacamole, sour cream, tomatoe-bean filler, and to instead give me some salsa and hot sauce to use as my accessories. I also asked them to half the cheese portion; normally I would have said to nix the cheese as well, but I needed a second dairy portion and was in the mood for cheese. I love cheese but rarely like using the points for it, I prefer bulk where I can get it. All in all I call the day a success. Here's to another successful day tomorrow!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

I used to have a brain

I'm not much use right now, I'm not falling asleep sitting up or anything, but I'm in that zoned-out staring at things while waiting for words to come to me but none do headspace, which is always fun. I left mid-afternoon yesterday for a party in the country, and I didn't get home till late this afternoon. It's a good thing I saved all my flexies and got all that activity in this week because I partied HARD. I had my first drink at about 3:30pm yesterday and we didn't stop till about 5:00 this morning. The party was the yearly get together for a bunch of people who work at putting off fireworks shows, and they do their own fireworks display for the party. I spent the weekend with a bunch of people who get off on blowing shit up, and I had the time of my life. There was constantly things being set off everywhere, and I became used to being startled out of my wits constantly. I've always loved fireworks since I was young so being able to go to this party was an incredible treat for me. I had so much fun that I didn't restrict myself when it came to the food, and I just ate what I wanted to eat instead of making careful choices. I did try to not eat too much since I was not making healthy choices, but I still ate a fair bit (tho not as much as I could have, or wanted to), and later in the night I did have some of the desserts. Throw in all the booze plus the breakfast they made for us this morning and definitely NOT and OP weekend, but there it is. I'm not worried and I don't feel like I blew it or anything. It's not very often I find myself in situations like that, so I'm not fretting. I could have done it differently but I don't regret it, and in the end that is the important thing. Back to OP business as usual tomorrow, counting my points and planning my meals and getting my activity in. I'm thinking I should probably completely avoid my flexies this upcoming week to try and offset this weekend. Despite all the off-plan eating and drinking over the past two days, I still actually feel really good tonight, I don't feel like this has set me back mentally in terms of getting my groove back. Of course I might not feel it till tomorrow, but I'm thinking that I'll be able to handle things without too much issue. Yes, I still want to lose more weight, but I'm not going to stop living, and I had a compelte blast this weekend, definitely one I'm going to remember for a very long time!

A quickie

I just wanted to do a quick update. I'm not at home so I didn't post last night. I'm still doing well, I've been eating OP and have been geting activity. I ate out for supper last night without having expected to be doing so, but I think I did really well with my choices. I also did really well today, tried a new healthy recipe, and cooked a healthy supper. I tried to balance everything out, and I'm pleased with my day, especially since I am still resisting cravings...they aren't as intense as they were on Monday, but they are definitely still there. I also got my walk in yesterday, and I did a short walk today but also a bike ride. The last time I did that bike ride it was definitely easier, I'm getting out of shape and I don't like that. I did run for a ways at the end of my walk today, just for the hell of it. I was a little out of breath afterward, more than I think I should have been after a short distance. All the more motivation to keep at it tho, I'm going to keep working at it and get back in shape!

Earned 5 APs yesterday: 80 min brisk walking

Earned 6 APs today: 30 min brisk walking, 60 min cycling

So much potential

I'm feeling a lot less edgy tonight, although I'm not sure how much of it is due to having a very large supper meal instead of actually seeing a reduction in the cravings I've been feeling so badly. I hadn't intended to have such a big meal, but my dinner meal got waylaid because of unexpected plans happening, and I was really hungry and had points to make up. Big meal or not, I do not feel stuffed, I just feel satisfied. It was be easy for me to eat more if I wanted, and that is what bugs me, I really wish I could get away with eating less food. But right now I will settle for feeling calm; I don't feel restless and distracted like I did last night, I feel relaxed and quiet and I'm much encouraged. I felt different today when I got up, I felt more focussed, and I hoped it was a sign that I'm settling down some and starting to get back into my groove. I went for a river walk early today to avoid the rain, and I was reminded that during this time of the year earlier is preferable because most people are working and I have the path mostly to myself compared to later in the day. My legs ached the whole time, but I did my best to keep my usual brisk pace. I want so much to start taking off some of this weight that I am determined to get the exercise in. I bet even in just a couple of weeks I will feel better that I had been lately.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Tomorrow we'll rise so we fight today

Another night where I'm almost but not quite biting my nails. I feel edgy and preoccupied and having to concentrate not to obsess about what I would like to eat. I was completely OP today and I'm happy for that, I'm just a little impatient for things to settle down and for it to get 'easy' again. I suppose there might have been lots of times last year when things were hard, but right now thinking back it just seems like it was all so easy compared to this. Maybe I need to look back over this journal and refresh my mind a bit, because I'm sure there must have been more times where I struggled than I am remembering right now. Funny how short term our memories can be, all the more reason to keep a journal and keep track of it.

I'm still having lots of cravings for various things, along with wanting to just feel full, plain and simple. I've avoided my FPs the past two days, and I am determined not to use them in normal meals, to account for times when I will be going out. As it happens, a friend called tonight and asked if I wanted to go to a party on Saturday, so it looks like I will be needing all those flexies plus all the will power I can muster, so that will help me continue to avoid them for the week, plus get some good exercise in.

Right now I'm torn between wanting to find that full feeling that I like after I eat (particularly the supper meal) and wanting to get used to eating smaller meals so that I can try to shrink my stomach up some. Now, I have never actually looked that up, but it was always something I have heard people say over the years, about how if they go a long time eating less, they find that it takes less food to make them feel like their stomach is full. I've stuffed myself with veggies and water over the months and got the full feeling while still losing weight, but there have been times when I've knocked about the idea of cutting back on that so that I don't have to eat so much food. I suppose that takes time and will power, and having to feel like I feel tonight; I'm not hungry per se, but I'm not feeling mentally satisfied because I am not full. Perhaps it is less about the stomach shrinking and more about getting used to not having that feelings and wanting it less, like getting cravings out of the system. But then, I'm not sure that this is the best time for me to consider such things, what with trying to get my eating under control again, and to get my mojo back. Part of me thinks I should just stick with what worked for me all last year, and wait until I'm settled down again before I start experimenting with portions and such. Maybe what I would need to do is to go the route of having 6 or 8 little meals over the day, so that I could get accustomed to never being full, but never actually being really hungry either. I just have my doubts about that working tho, because when I have split the same number of points into smaller portions throughout the day before I basically always ended the day feeling unsatisfied and/or hungry. But again, perhaps it's all a mind game. I don't know. It will bear more thinking about, perhaps I can research it and find out more about whether it is realistic to expect my stomach to shrink any amount to actually make a difference.

I got another river walk in today, and I want to exercise again tomorrow. The problem is that there is supposed to be rain, and I expect I might have to try and get some shopping done too. When I go out now I feel like people are staring at me because I look fat, and I feel like my neighbours are able to look at me and know I've gained weight and that everyone knows. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin right now, it is probably my biggest motivator to stay on track and to get the weight off that I have put back on. I want to go back to feeling proud of myself and happy with how I look. When I was walking today I found myself building up my determination to exercise regularly again and to consciously feel like I am actively taking off this weight. Eating is something we do a few times a day, so just making healthy choices doesn't always contribute to feeling like I am actually DOING something. When I exercise I feel like I am more in control, I suppose because I am doing something I don't have to do, but something I am choosing to do. I know every healthy meal is a choice, but it doesn't give me the same level of satisfaction that exercising does. I definitely need to get back in that headspace again, it will help me in so many ways to get my activity level up. Not only will the weight start coming off again, but I will feel better, stronger, more energetic, and I will feel more capable and in control of myself, and I desperately need that right now.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Nail-biting

Okay, well perhaps it wasn't quite as bad as all THAT, but things did get harder as the day went on. I felt okay when I woke up, but then out of the blue I would be hit with thoughts about food and what I would like to fill myself up with later on. Then I would be okay for a while, and them, bam, out of no where it would hit me again. I still managed okay, but as afternoon wore into evening I really started getting cravings, and the thoughts of what I actually had here to eat was not tempting me the slightest little bit. I came close to considering giving myself 'one more day' and to be perfect tomorrow to make up for it, but that is the kind of thinking that just creates and maintains the cycle of unleathy eating and binging, and I am relieved that I managed to keep my will power intact. I only wish I could have felt more satisfied after I finished supper, but unfortunately I am left wanting more and still battling cravings. When I was religiously OP I did not have to deal with feeling like this, and I'm trying to use it as motivation to stay OP strictly so that I can get it all out of my system and be able to be satisfied with my meals again. I want to go back to food being an afterthought, instead of my obsession.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

But I would not feel so all alone..everybody must get stoned

I am definitely not in a good way, I'm just not sure how much of a role hormones might be playing. I've very certainly been depressed, I just didn't feel it so much yesterday because I had company most of the day. I couldn't escape it today when I woke up wanting only for it to be night so I could go back to sleep. My first thoughts after that were of food and what I would like to eat for the day, none of it green or healthy in any sense. I know I had my down times over the past year, but I was On Plan and I was able to ride it out. It's so difficult to get back on track when I have no morale for anything right now. Despite how terrible I'm feeling I still had a few victories today. I stayed in bed half the day, and didn't want to get out, but eventually I forced myself out and got some cereal, then did my job search work. I'm glad of that, because that is the most important thing I need to do everyday. I did it thoroughly and only then did I allow myself to take a nice relaxing bath like I'd wanted to do. I also did some other things that needed to be done, and cleaned the kitchen. When I get depressed I usually let the housework go, so I'm happy that I'm keeping on top of the cleaning more or less. The bathroom needs a scrubbing again already, probably because I've been taking baths on top of the showers I normally have lately. I also did a few batches of baking tonight before I made supper, which needed to be done because my bananas were on the verge of going over and I'd been putting it off. I'll freeze what I made tonight and tomorrow I'll bake what's left to keep fo fresh. I went out shopping because I wanted to stock up on peppers while they were on sale, and I walked all around the store for a much longer time than was necessary, looking all the foods I wanted to buy, and particularly all the junk. I'd made up my mind to buy hamburgers and potatoe chips and cookies and ice cream, I'd had the brands and the types all picked out, but in the end I resisted, although I did end up buying some chocolate for dessert tonight, but all things considered I am still calling that one a victory. Things are so hard right now, everything seems so hard, maybe I should look back over my journal and remind myself a bit of how it was like before, because it feels like things were easy before but now everything is a struggle. I used to be so disciplined, I want to get that back and start feeling good again. I can't control the job or the money situation directly, this is the one thing I can actively control. It would do me good to feel like my efforts are resulting in tangible results for once, because for weeks now I've felt like I've been accomplishing a whole lot of nothing, despite all my effort.

Really love your peaches want to shake your tree

It was the epitome of a lazy, hedonistic day, but I had a rare opportunity I couldn't pass up. I was all turned about and upside down anyway, on account of I thought today was the last day of September and that October didn't get going till tomorrow. I didn't get any activity in today, but I also did not go out to buy junk food, like I was sorely tempted to do when I was craving chocolate so badly. I had bought some tiny adorable little baby pita breads and wanted to get some hummus, and was going to go out to the Arab market around the corner to search for some, but I knew if I went there I would go to the dollar store next to it and buy chocolate, so I attempted to make my own hummus instead, despite not having all the necessary ingredients on hand. I was terribly excited when I realised that I should be able to make hummus in the new food processor I bought, but I've had it a couple of months and haven't gotten around to trying it yet. I think mostly I was afraid it wouldn't work, but today seemed to warrent trying, and it worked like an absolute charm, I was utterly thrilled. And yes I ate way too much of it, but ultimately stuffing one's self with hummus is generally preferable over chocolate, so I'm going to call that one a victory and never mind the rest of it for now. It was another day where I woke up tired, and I am tired tonight, I think my body must be continuing to tell me that it is not happy with the state of things. I'd gotten so used to feeling good physically all the time that I'm not used to feeling icky constantly. But as M said to me, I know how to fix that. Now to get about doing that.

I wanna be sedated

I have very little to say tonight. It was another day that ended up being different than I had expected it to be. I had a couple of errends I wanted to run, but the weather didn't cooperate. I ended up getting taken out for supper, and I ate what I pleased, but it felt like a last hurrah, so whatever. As of this moment there is no junk food left in my house, and that will not change unless I buy more. I've been tired much of the day, but tonight I've felt weird, alert and within myself at the same time. I've been making a classic rock playlist and really grooving to the music. I want to be up early tomorrow tho, so I think I will turn off the music and read for a while to try and come down. I spent hours today doing job search stuff and I'm really happy about that; it's tedious and frustrating and depressing and it always gives me a headache and I loathe doing it, so every moment I make myself stick through it is an accomplishment in my eyes. The weather might not cooperate in the next few days any more than it did today, but I want to start exercising again, I'm thinking I'll try to make an activity goal for Oct to get some sort of activity in every day. I can't believe the summer is gone...unbelievable. Strange to think where I was a year ago...

Feels like I'm starting all over again

When I heard that line in a song this afternoon it made me pause. I'm not necessarily back where I was when I started all of this, but in so many ways I have to find that mentality I had when I started, and tackle things the same way.

I've gotten so far off track sometimes I almost get in a cold sweat over it...almost.

But fortunately, I know that I have the ability to live the type of lifestyle I've aimed for, the one I've strived so hard to achieve. I've strayed away from the behaviours I've tried so hard to turn into habits, but that's the thing with a lifestyle...it's still there for you even if you don't live it perfectly. It doesn't disappear in a puff of smoke, and it doesn't become suddenly off limits or Members Only.

I've been struggling in a way I've not had to deal with since starting WW, and worst of all I've been handling my problems in ways I'd truly hoped I've overcome. I've allowed food to become a constant comfort to me again, and I've stopped tracking or eating On Plan. Today was the first time in a a few weeks that I had even logged onto the WW website, let alone put effort into tracking my foods.

I've fallen into the mind trap of justifying what I've been doing, and I know that if I don't put the brakes on, I will start losing ground quickly and start making my way back to where I was when I started.

The worst thing I have fallen into doing the past couple of weeks has been to let my mind gloss over my behaviours, and to not think about them. I've also not talked about them here or on the WW boards or with friends, unconsciously falling into the 'if no one knows, it's not actually happening' trap. I am an old hand at that one, and I've learned to my regret over the years that I have an avoidant personality when it comes to dealing with problems. I withdraw into myself and I hide from everyone. And I also know that it is ever so much easier to fall into a pit of trouble you could have avoided when you isolate yourself and avoid looking your problems in the face. I've been doing that with my eating habits; a month ago my eating choices were poor, but very conscious, and I was willing to make them knowing I was also choosing to make it temporary. Since then however I've quickly slipped into deliberate ignorance, and have been choosing not to think about what I've been doing too much, or to look to closely at the consequences.

A month ago I was doing better, and I was starting to get back into a routine. After my trip home, everything in my life got turned upside down, and for the first time since starting WW I was completely out of my comfort zone. I knew what was happening and was striving to get my routine back and to create a new source of motivation or focus for myself.

Then a bunch of life happened. Go figure, huh?

I committed to a relationship that went pretty quickly into self-destruct mode, but not before it seriously messed me up mentally and emotionally. I've worked so hard to be healthy, not only in terms of my efforts over the last year to be healthy in the physical sense, but also in terms of my efforts of the years before to be healthy both emotionally and mentally. I've said along the way that my weight loss journey was so smooth for me mostly because I waited until I was in a good place mentally before I started. I felt good about me, I'd developed a strong sense of self and of self-esteem. I did not need to be thin to feel good about myself, I felt good about myself as I was. I felt I had worth, even if I was not perfect or did not look the way I prefered.

It is astonishing how very quickly a person can destroy all your careful efforts, and in such a short amount of time tear your self-esteem to shreds and utterly defile your sense of self worth.

The only good thing is that I got out of it before I could be truly damaged. The bad thing is that there was an enormous amount of emotional fallout. If I had been on my A-game when it had happened, then things might have turned out differently, but I was already struggling when it all went down, and I was simply incapable of exerting the will power and focus I needed to get back on track when I had already been finding it so hard to do so.

I needed time to grieve and to heal enough so that I could start to get my life sorted out again. I gave myself some time and didn't beat myself up, and that was okay, but just when I was starting to feel like I could start getting myself back on track, my work situation also went into self-destruct, and the next thing I know I'm without a job.

Things at work had been incredibly stressful and unstable ever since I got back from NFLD. Again I found myself faced with a situation where I was being made to feel worthless, that I was to blame for things I had not done, and that I had reason to be ashamed of myself, my actions, and who I am. Most of me knew I was being treated and judged horribly unfairly, but I have such a strong work ethic, and I am such a perfectionist, that I kept trying to jump through their impossible hoops, because I could not bear the thought of failing at something, especially something as important as my job. That this job was not my chosen career, and that I didn't feel anything for it other than how I feel about any job or task I undertake was not the issue. I let myself get caught up in trying to succeed that I really lost sight of the fact that they were not making it possible for me to succeed, and more importantly, that my whole life had turned into trying to please people for whom I had no respect, and that I had placed the utmost importance upon trying to please them. I was constantly feeling the strain of it, I worried constantly, both at work and away, I was having regular anxiety dreams and even nightmares, and I was unhappy much of the time. But I let it go on because I couldn't tolerate the thought of 'failing', and the prospect of being without a job terrified me.

But no matter how I tried to make things right, the situation couldn't continue as it was, and it only worsened until finally I was forced to see things for how they really were. I think it was the destruction of the unhealthy relationship mere days before that made me finally see what was really happening, how these people were attacking my feelings of efficacy and worth, and how they were making me doubt myself and my abilities and my behaviours and the type of person I am. I realised that to continue to try and change their minds (when they were so fiercely determined to think as they would) was admiting the possibility that they were right, putting truth to the hurtful and disparaging things those few people were saying about me, people who had their own agendas, and who don't know me at all. I realised that it was more than trying to hold onto a job because I needed the income, it was about protecting myself and my health, and not being able to take it any more. To stay working there would have been as damaging to me as it would be to eat poison every day. I did the only thing that made sense, and I walked away.

Of course, no matter how I felt about preserving my mental and emotional health, not to mention my dignity, I fell apart in a major way after quitting my job the way I did. That whole weekend I was a walking basket case, an absolute and complete emotional wreck. I was in a constant state of panic and horror and fear and hurt over the whole situation. It still felt like failure, no matter what the truth of it was, and it took me days to calm down.

I've been having to focus more on putting one foot in front of the other and less on counting points. That is to be understood, but enough time has passed that it's become less about needing time to get my head together and more about just getting decadent and lazy and falling into old habits. I'm getting dependent on food again to regulate my mood. I am feeling so poor emotionally from day to day that I am using food as my comfort and my fix. I can't control the things that are making me feel so wretched, so I'm turning my focus onto food instead and am letting myself put too much importance on it.

The positive is that I see what is happening and I have the power to keep this from setting me any farther back. I can start to turn things around again, if I want to.

I'm terrified of getting big again. I know I've gained weight and I hate it. I hate imagining myself putting on more and more weight. I hate the thought of losing everything I have achieved.

In the end, it's this fear that will help me, because I am going to use this as my motivation to get back on track. I do not want to gain any more weight. I do not want to go back to my old ways. I want to be healthy and happy.

I have been feeling so lethargic and icky lately, and while my stress level will contribute, the binging and the lack of exercise will be playing a large part. I'm tired so much of the time, and I feel down a lot. That is to be expected seeing what I am going through, BUT...if I was eating well and getting my activity, I know without a doubt that I would feel better than I do now, even if I did not feel necessarily 'good'.

I've been binging to try and feel better. But what will make me truly feel better is to get my proper nutrients, to not feel full to the point of feeling sick, to start getting my activity in again, to start building my muscle again and feel strong, to feel like I am living the lifestyle I have chosen for myself, to feel like I am working toward my goals, and to stop gaining weight and to start taking it off again. These are the things that will make me feel better, and I need to remind myself of that when I am tempted to binge.

I need to take small steps, and set myself up to succeed. I logged onto the WW boards today and posted a daily OP thread. I said my goal for today was to make a journal entry here tonight. This was a big first step for me because it means I am being publically accountable for where I am right now and what I've been doing. Being accountable is the first step. I am going to continue that tomorrow by starting to track my food again. I will keep posting in an OP thread, and I will keep journalling here.

I know how to do this, that is the beauty of it. I have proven that to myself. Now my challenge is to do this when things are hard. It is easy to succeed when things are easy, and I wondered along the way how I would fare when things got hard. I'm still unemployed and things are difficult and the money situation is bad, but this is my chance to show myself that I am capable of maintaining my lifestyle and my goals even when things get truly difficult. This is an opportunity for me to prevent a backslide, and to learn new skills I will need for my life ahead, because if I have learned nothing else in my years on this planet, I have learned that the world keeps turning, and that it doesn't stop for the likes of you or I. Life happened, and life will happen again, as surely as the sun will set tonight and rise tomorrow. What's important is how we handle it when it does.

What's right

I'm trying to get my routine back, and it's not proving as easy as I had hoped it might be. Today I'd wanted to spend some time on the comp, get the flat cleaned up, go for a river walk, then have time to relax and journal tonight and whatever else I might like.

Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans..

I did get my comp time this morning, more than enough, actually, but that wasn't so bad. But then the phone started ringing, and the next thing I know the afternoon is gone. I was also feeling somewhat lethargic. I was hoping that after I ate something and got some protein into me, that I would have some energy and morale to get going on my list of things, but I ended up only getting some of the flat sorted, then got together with a friend. We ended up eating out, and I've not gotten home till late, so no river walk for me, and not able to properly count my points for today because there is no NI available for the restaurant. Not the worst of days, but definitely very little of what I had planned. And at the end of it all, I'm still hungry, even after judging that I dipped into my flexies none too lightly. I've not blown anything, and I've not necessarily failed anything, but tomorrow I really want to get some organised activity in, and I want to get my flat sorted out better than it is right now. At least I got the fridge more organised, and my veggies all have a place in there and the rubbish is cleared out. I can't believe how chaotic my life has gotten...but then maybe it just seems that way compared to how strictly regimented it had been for so long there. The scale is showing me up, time will tell how things are going. I don't know if things have made a permanent shift, but time will tell...time always does.

My fall will be for you

Oh, what a day!

It's late and I'm tired and I don't have the words for it, but I am well fed and content and things are good. I've been getting all closing shifts at the store lately, and I'm back to getting home around 10:00pm and having to make supper. I've not been around much and my flat is a disaster area, and I was low on food, particularly perishables. I did get the kitchen cleaned up some this afternoon, and I did a bit of shopping tonight after work, but I have a lot more to get sorted tomorrow. I'm out of premade main meals in my freezer, so I need to make up a few dishes so I can freeze for taking to work when I need to. I've been eating a lot of fruit lately, other people's, mostly, but I didn't pick up any tonight. I'm wondering if I might go into fruit withdrawal, actually. I'll have to look in to starting to keep some around for desserts; I always wanted something sweet after supper, but the last few weeks I've gotten used to having fruit after supper to control my sweet craving, and it worked rather well, particularly with some lite Cool Whip. The problem with liking fruit is that it gets to be expensive, particularly during the winter months. Why can't food be free? I wish I could grow all this stuff myself! Anyhoo, bed for me! Squee!

APs gone MIA

I've done okay today; I've met all the guidelines and I've not gone over my DPs, but I have none to spare and I might be going out this evening, so I might end up using the rest of my FPs since I never had a chance to earn any APs today, aside from doing some more housework. I'd planned yardwork and a bike ride, but like always seems to happen these days, my plan got changed around. I'm not planning to eat anything else tonight, but I might have a beer, and that will cost me FPs unless I come home and exercise. I don't have many left for the week after eating out on Tuesday and having a lot of high cal food that night. I am definitely not used to being this low on FPs at the end of the week, let alone on Thursday night! I'm glad I've started tracking again tho, because I am in obvious need of being specific about what I eat if I want to keep losing weight. I felt so much better last night when I was having some fruit, because I knew I had the points for it, and I knew exactly how much I could have. It was weird, when I was measuring it out, I didn't feel restricted, I felt empowered because I knew I was not overeating, I was completely within my points. It made me realise that when I'm not counting I have this little nagging worry about everything I eat, thinking that maybe it is putting me way over in points. It is easier to enjoy my food when I know I am not putting myself in a bad way by eating it.

I was starving tonight for supper, and the salad I'd made tasted soo excellent. A friend has reintroduced me to putting things in salad other than just the romaine, and I am now wondering how I ever got by eating all of those plain boring salads without cucumbers, mushrooms, tomatoes, and celery. Yes, you heard me...celery! Celery on its own is definitely not one of my favorite vegetables, but throw it in a salad and it tastes GOOD! Eating the salad tonight was a real treat, it was tastey, and I was so conscious while I was eating it that it was not just something I was able to it, it was something that tasted really good to me, and I was looking forward to every mouthful. What a gift that I've gotten to a point in my life that I can say that about a green salad, and that I am able to truly enjoy the things that I am eating. I heard people say that as they got further along into a healthy lifestyle that they came to like healthy foods that they hated previously. I was rather skeptical of ever being able to experience this myself, I mean seriously, you either like something or you don't, right? How could that change when it comes to food? But here I am living it, and definitely loving it! Food tastes definitely can change, thankfully, and hopefully I can get to a point where rich foods and/or junk foods don't taste good to me any more. A couple weeks ago in a weak moment I had a Wendy's burger for supper. We were running late, I was starving, and no time to shop for veggies etc, plus I just wanted one and made the choice to have one. No fries, no pop, nothing else with it, just the burger. It tasted wonderful to me and I enjoyed it soo much...until a few hours later when I woke up in the night to a VERY unhappy tummy, and puked the whole thing up. Does NOT taste as good coming up as it did going down, that's for sure. It's almost as if my body said "Uhh...are you kidding me? What's that thing doing in here? I don't think so. Nope. No Way. Get OUTTA HERE, evil Wendy's hamburger!"

Well, that's what I was imagining it was saying, anyway. I had felt awful beforhand but after the burger was evicted from the premises my stomach felt okay again and I actually had a giggle over imagining that it was a result of my body's indignation at having been forced upon by greasy fast food.

No, I didn't enjoy getting sick, but in a way I was almost pleased by it, if it really means that my body has embraced healthy eating. If I had to choose I'd rather have a body that ejects fast food than one that drives me to eat more more more of it. But then again, maybe I just had a bad burger, who the heck knows? I don't and I don't care, it's not like I'm going to be putting these theories to the test any time soon. I don't plan to go back to eating greasy fast foods, if I need to eat out fast, there's almost always a subway closeby, and it's getting so that most places have sandwiches and salads/soups to choose from. But maybe I actually am getting to a point where junk food is going to have less of a positive effect on me than before at least, even if it stil tastes good going down. Maybe in time it won't taste good either, at this point I'm ruling nothing out, I've experienced WAY too many firsts on this journey to assume anything!

Motivated tonight

It has certainly been a long time since I've been here!

I have to write a post just about my trip home, but I don't think that is going to get done right now. Tonight I just want to make a post and start getting back into the routine of journalling again after being away for so long. I'd never intended to take such a long haitus...well, technically I hadn't intended to take a hiatus at all, but there you go. I put my laptop in to be serviced the day before I made the trip home, figuring it would be a good time to have the screen issue I've been having looked at, since I wouldn't be able to use it to go online at home anyway. They did a bunch of diagnostics and told me the hard drive was corrupt (aren't we all?) and that it had to be replaced. They sent it out while I was away, and I picked it up on my way from the airport when I got back in town, but when I get it home I discovered that the screen issue was still happening, so my next shift at work I brought it with me and gave it back to them so they could address it. It had to be sent away again, and I only got it back Saturday night, so I've been without a decent means of getting online. Yes, I had my old comp, but it has gotten so slow and unreliable that I only used it to check email, I even stopped trying to get on the WW website, which means I've not been tracking for the better part of a few weeks. I'm not sure if this has been good or bad, surely there have been benefits, but there is always a price to pay.

My visit home was wonderful in so many ways, but as always I went through the usual slump after I got back in Windsor. In many ways I had a much harder time adjusting to getting back after this trip than I had after any other. Part of it was feeling completely and utterly off my eating routine; I definitely had been eating foods which I was home that I am no longer accustomed to eating, and I was not eating much of the foods I have grown accustomed to having regularly. When I got back in town I found myself hungry through much of the day, and not finding my meals as satisfying as I used to. I was mostly okay with the foods I was eating, I just wanted to eat twice as much of them. I was also craving foods I have cut out, but mostly it was the hunger that was making my life difficult. As well, when I got back I discovered that summer had set in in full force, and the weather had gotten very hot and humid. I was able to stand it okay, but I definitely was not motivated to be going for walks or to exercise. My regular workout was out anyway, on account of not having my laptop, tho I did try to do the best I could using my PS2 to play my WATP dvd, and trying to do the core workout from memory, but the strangeness of it didn't help me to get back into my old routine. I've also been a lot more active socially than I normally am since getting back in town. Suddenly I was going out a lot and getting together with people almost every day, and I've had a lot less free time. I was trying to get workouts in, and having some measure of success, until I sprained my wrist while out boating and that effectively got rid of the possibility of strength training. I've done a bit of walking, and have been starting to go for bike rides on a friend's bike, but I'm still not back into the strength training yet. I spent today doing housework, and while I have pretty good range of movement with my hand, by the time I was done my wrist was aching like crazy and I had to take some acetaminophin for the pain. Still, it is getting better, slowly but surely, and that's the main thing.
Admitedly, the majority of the issue has not been the weather and the sprain and the laptop being serviced, instead the issue has been the fact that the thing I have been obsessing over for a year has happened and is over. Going home to see my family and surprising them was something I thought about constantly, and was one of my main sources of motivation throughout my journey so far. I had thought from time to time about how it would be for me after the trip was over, and how it might change things, but honestly I didn't put an overabundance of thought into it. Mostly I believed that while the trip was a huge source of motivation, it was not by any means my main source of motivation, and that after the trip I would still have my desire to be thin and healthy and active and strong. But to be honest, a tiny little part of me was afraid to think about what would happen afterward, because part of me must have understood just how much I was using the trip as a source of drive and determination to do the best that I can. I didn't want to consider the possibility that the trip had somehow become my largest source of motivation, because I didn't want to think about how that would affect me when I got home.

Well, I made the trip, and I came back, and I found out just how much my brain had been filled constantly with thoughts about the trip, because when I got back I suddenly felt extremely empty and directionless. No, I am in no way saying that I didn't care about my goals any more, but my intense drive to be active and to get as many APs as I could and my discipline over every meal with the thought of losing as much as I could that week seemed to have fallen by the wayside. Exercise for its own sake was not enough motivation to get me going, and I didn't feel that urgency any more in terms of losing every pound I could.

Now of course, it could very well be said that this has been a good thing; I was certainly feeling the strain mentally and even physically there in the last weeks before the trip, to the point that I was looking forward to the surprise being over just so I could stop feeling urgency to the point of panic almost constantly. I let myself get intense over it all because I knew it was temporary, and that it was not how I was planning to live for the rest of my life, and yet after the sense of relief was over after the initial meeting of the family was done, and after I got back in town, I am feeling the absence of that sence of urgency very, very keenly. It was so much a part of me for so long that it has been a huge adjustment since returning, getting used to it being gone. I suppose this has been a critical point for me in the sense that this is a point in my journey where I could potentially start wandering off track instead of keep moving toward my goals. I did go off tracking for a while, but I've tried my best to stay OP even without counting points, and since I have not gained in the last month, and have even lost a few, I have been very successful there I would think. On that count, the past month has been good for me, because it gave me a chance to live like "normal people", without counting and just trying to live healthy. I know now that I can do a reasonable job at following a healthy lifestyle without counting every morsal I put in my mouth, something I had wondered about more than once the past year. But before the trip I never would have allowed myself to go off counting points for a while in order to learn how I can do without points, I never would have relaxed enough, never would have wante to risk that I might not lose, of gods forbid, even gain a pound! I feel a lot more confident in myself and how far I've come after the last few weeks, I truly have changed a lot of my habits, because I still made healthy choices even without planning everything out and being accountable to my planner at the end of the day.

Now all that being said, I've still made the decision this week with the return of my laptop that I will get back into the habit of tracking what I eat, and to start trying to get daily activity in, even if I can't do proper workouts on account of my wrist. While I've been doing well at making healthy choices, I've definitely not been perfect, and I'm all too aware that I'm at a critical junction, and that I could still start slipping backwards without proper care. It's good to know I can go off points without going crazy, but at this time in my life when I am still adjusting to having one of my main sources of motivation out of the picture, I want to maintain at least a measure of discipline, because I don't want to get too far off track. I either need to find something else to motivate me, but then again, perhaps I just need to find a place mentally where I am able to maintain a style of eating and a method of exercising that is no longer so dependent on some outside source of motivation. Most people do well with short term goals, whether they are time goals (do X amount for 6 months) or end-point goals (till I lose X amount or till I can run X miles), and I do well with them too, I think, but I am getting very close to reaching my goal, and it is time for me to start thinking more long term. The ideal would be for me to just establish a healthy balance of eating and exercise that are not dependent on me feeling a sense of urgency about something in order to maintain it. Perhaps the level of food-strictness and the amount of exercise I'll have to do to maintain my goals will not be so strenuous that I will need to focus on some time goal or an end-point goal in order to stay motivated. Now that I'm getting over the feeling of emptiness and almost letdown that I had been feeling after the trip, I do confess that I am starting to enjoy this feeling of being relaxed about my eating and my exercise. Of course, I'm starting to track again, but that is because I don't want to get TOO relaxed about things; a certain amount of effort and vigilance is needed. It's all about finding the healthy balance, and I think I'm starting to gain my feet again.

I think the title of my last post is very fitting.

Earned 8 APs today: 2 hours (didn't count it all) housecleaning, 50 min bike ride

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

1 day till Home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: does housework count??

I was trying to find a particular CD amongst the many that I have (all unlabled of course), and while I couldn't find it, I did find a CD I'd burned full of music from the early 80s, and I decided to leave it in and take a trip down memory lane. I feel so surreal right now.

I figured my trip home would be a good time to put my laptop in to get serviced to address that green fuzz that keeps appearing on the screen. what I had not been expecting was popping over when things were slow and to have them tell me that my harddrive failed the diognostic test and that it needed to be replaced.

So here I am using my very ancient P2 comp, with every wotd an agony to type because the keyboard is just enough off that I am making a huge amount of typos. It doesn't help that the keyboard is so worn that none of the keys have letters on them anymore.......how did I ever type quickly on this keyboard????? every sentence is taking forever now!!!!!

I've been litening to music from home; when I booted up this ancient thing the player ha actuaklly been on a playlist of NFLD music because the last time i used to use this comp was back before my trip two years ago when my bros got me my laptop. I was gleeful and listened to the music for a couple hours while i got things sorted,but it is still not real for me. I am calm, like I was in the hour before Nightwish. I know i will turn into a Spaz tomorrow.

I've thought of this for so long.....and it has not sunk in yet. I will be a Spaz on the plane, without a doubt. I am not able to comprehend the fact that 12 hours from now I will be with my mum. So much of me is still afraid that everything I've done will not make a difference. all I've wanted is for them to notice a real difference, and now I'm terrified that they will not see one. I've wanted this soo badly. I can't believe that the time is almost here. It does not seem real. None of it does. I'd wanted to be asleep long before now, but I would rather be tired tomorrow if it means I can savour the experience tonight....which is odd, because I can't get it through my head, so what experience am I savouring, exactly??

I can hear the sound of fireworks going off....it's Canada Day.....

And sometimes you close your eyes and see the place where you used to live

2 days till Home!!!!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I nearly went to bed but wanted to say something here, at least. Today was good but long and I was tired because I was up too late last night. D took me shopping after work and I was able to get new panties, which had been my main goal for today along with getting in a work out. Of course that plan had been made when I expected to not be working today. I was also supposed to get my packing/cleaning done today. Well I finished supper at 11pm and instead of going to bed like I ached to do, I packed my bag and now I'm glad it's done. I still have a few odds and ends to add tomorrow, but it's nice knowing it's pretty much done. In the morning I have to sort out my laptop so I can bring it to work with me to put in for service. I hate losing it, but oh well. I also planned to cook and bake in the morning, but as I look at the time now I am starting to think that is all too optomistic, as late as it is right now. I'm too tired to be excited tonight, but there were times earlier today that I was for a bit. I'll probably do a little better tomorrow. And of course when I wake up Wednesday I will have turned into a Spaz. I get excited thinking about seeing mum at the airport, but other times I just feel fat and unprepared for it all. I dearly wish I could stop feeling like I am too fat to make an impression on them

Okay...bed now.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Those damn babies!

3 days till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Nothing is ever easy.

I'd counted on having a nice Sunday, and it was, up until the beginning of the evening (which coincidentally my fav part of Sunday) when D called and told me the other regular full-timer called in for tomorrow, and was I available to work? I ranted and raved and cussed quite a bit, then got over it (helped along by a stiff drink). I'd counted on tomorrow to get ready for the trip, because I will be working all day Tuesday and so that day will be a complete lost cause. So I cleaned up the kitchen and did all my laundry (waiting on the dryer) and made a meal to take with me tomorrow. It's all so annoying because the laundry room is always busy Sunday evenings and I usually avoid it, and I don't have much freggies right now and had been planning on being able to shop tomorrow for what I might need between now and Wednesday, on top of wanting to be able to relax and do nice things this evening (catch up on things and watch a movie) and had to spend it rushing about on chores instead. Those damn babies at work are making me CRAZY!!!!

I got a walk in today (not a river walk but one almost just as long) and I feel better overall. I can sit without supporting myself, and I felt energetic when I woke up, which is an awesome sign. I was planning to work out tomorrow but that is out now since I'll be working all day. I'm disappointed, but it's not as bad as it would have been otherwise with my body the way it is. I tried on my Goal Shirt again this evening and contemplated it, but I don't think it is wearable just yet. It was another disappointment, but I will accept it by the time I go, I hope.

Okay time to eat and get to bed. What a mess today ended up being, eating and going to bed this late and having to work all day tomorrow!

Earned 4 APs today: 70 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 49 APs
12.7 hours (760 min) total activity
30.2 miles (48.6 kms) walked
19.5 FPs remaining
3.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 184

Bumps in the road

4 days till Home!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I've been sitting here for 10 min in too much of a daze to collect my thoughts enough to write. Today was a good day, but physically it started off fair and went downhill steadily throughout. I suppose I finally pushed too far with yesterday's efforts (I'd stepped up the intensity a bit again) and most of my body is aching today, especially my poor legs and backside. It got worse and worse as the day went on, till now I am limping about and having to hold onto something to lower myself into a sitting position without just collapsing downward. I did my river walk with D, and while the company was welcome, the walk was extremely taxing for me, and I was hurting badly by the time I got home, my legs and my upper back were misery, to the point that I had trouble walking perfectly straight on account of my leg muscles not being able to move properly. I was also hungry today, and this evening I found myself pondering just eating food I wanted in huge quantites, something I rarely ponder. All bad signs, and I am not so foolish as to ignore them. I had planned a workout tomorrow but that is definitely no longer in my plan. I would like to do a river walk still, but if I do I will take it slower and not walk so briskly. I had a big supper and I feel soothed and satisfied, and now I will take myself to bed for some much needed sleep.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Chinese clotheslines

5 days till Home!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was going to go on to bed without posting, because it is later than I wanted to be up and I have to work in the morning. I always let the time get away from me nights before I have to work, I wish I wouldn't do that. I got loads of activity in, and debated not going for a river walk because I knew it would put me behind schedule because I'd lagged all day, but I went and am glad I did. The deciding factor was mostly knowing that the extra activity would help me get to sleep tonight. And now I am fed and watered and looking forward to bed, despite how warm and humid it is tonight. I only hope I sleep better than last night; had a lot of nightmares I really could have done without. The worst thing is that I had the same one twice, I hate it when that happens. I guess I'm starting to feel some strain, it's to be expected I suppose; the weight loss is going well but other things aren't. Speaking of which, I had a great WI today and am very pleased. I wasn't expecting it, but looking at my total lost in the weight tracker and seeing three digits truly makes it seem like a much larger amount than only two, even if it was a digit like 99. Funny how the mind works.

Earned 14 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 100 min brisk walking

Lost buttons and syrup that stays slippery

6 days till Home!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I can't believe how close it's getting! Less than a week, that's just insane! I've shifted back to a state of disbelief over it all, it doesn't seem real. I imagine in a couple days it will seem more real when I start getting ready to go.

I didn't get a chance to post yesterday because I was basically gone the whole day. I took F to the hospital in the morning and stayed with her while she had her thingy done. I brought my knitting and a picnic lunch of water and fruit and veggies for while I was waiting for her. I never mentioned any of it before they took her in tho, because she was thirsty and starving from having to fast. I went out in the morning and bought a mix for carrot muffins because those are her favorite and I made them to bring with so she'd be able to eat something on the way home. She seemed to really like them, and had a few with the rest of my water. She was out of it afterward because of the sedation and was walking slowly and slantily and I kept watching her in case she fell over but she managed fine. It took longer than it was supposed to take, so by the time we got to her house her mother was already there from work. I'd made a date of sorts for afterward if our schedules worked out and he ended up picking me up at her house and we went to a park by the river and talked and talked. Things went so well that we ended up going out for supper at the pub, which I had not been expecting, but we were having a really great time and didn't want to stop talking. I've not been to that pub in a very long time, and when I came in my favorite server was walking out of the kitchen carrying plates, and when she saw me she set them down on the bar so she could hug me and tell me how fabulous I looked. It was a real treat getting to see her because she's been so supportive along the way. She's one of the few people who knows I've been following WW, it's easy to talk to her about it because she follows it too. I had the cajun chicken sandwich (without the mayo or the bun) and a salad instead of fries (without the bacon, cheese and dressing on the side) and afterward my date asked if he could make an observation, and said "I think you must have lost a lot of weight" and when I asked why he thought that he said because of how the server had reacted when she saw me, and because of the way I ordered. It was wing night and he is a wing fanatic, but thankfully he's not one of those people (there are so many of them!) who takes it personally if you refuse to eat wings on wing night, and we drank a ton of light beer and talked endlessly and had a really late night and posting was the last thing on my mind when I went to bed. Unfortuately the fact that I still had to have a cup of milk to get in my second dairy requirement was also the last thing on my mind, so yesterday wasn't an OP day for me technically, which is disappointing. The few times I've missed a requirement like that (usually the dairy) it's almost always because I went out for supper and had a few drinks and don't think of it when I come home. What I'm glad about is that since I'd had a light calorie dinner and had some activity and ordered so intelligently at supper, the beer didn't put my into FPs, definitely something to be proud of!

Today I took it easy tho because I was tired after my late night. I even had a nap this afternoon! I wanted to get a river walk in but the weather has been crazy the last couple weeks, and it is constantly thunder storming in the early evenings. I looked at the forcast and saw a warning for severe thunderstorms so I got on the eliptical instead, and I am soo happy I did because not long after it got so black outside I had to turn on my lamp at 5:30pm so I could see what I was doing, and had to close my balcony so my blinds wouldn't take another opportunity to vacate the premesis. I was hungry today too; part of it might be because of the beer yesterday, but I'm noticing that there is a week in my cycle where I get hungry and tired, so this might be par course. I ate more food (within my points) so I wasn't hungry, and still managed to avoid FPs. I wanted to do a workout but felt too tired, and since I'm not working tomorrow I can do it Friday without throwing things off. WI is tomorrow and it looks to be a good one. I hope all my work is paying off, despite only getting 20 min activity in yesterday!

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking

Greed, your master passion

1 week, 1 day till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

One of those days maybe I'll learn.

It was a good day in spite of my silliness. I got lots of good activity in, even tho I took longer to do it than I would have liked. I started relatively early tho so at least that's something. I just kept getting distracted by thoughts and shiney things. Tomorrow is my off day, and I'll be spending time with F for a good part of the day because she needs someone to take care of her while she has a procedure done at the hospital. The poor thing is pretty stressed and harrassed lately, I feel bad for her. She's fasting tonight and when we talked I kept unthinkingly talking about food. I'm just so used to talking about food with her, it's one of her favorite things. I just wish it didn't often cause her so much misery. The things you love will hurt you every time.

I can't believe she'll be moving. She gave me a bunch of leftovers after her party on Saturday night, and I'm still eating them every meal; I threatened to fill my pockets up with the mushrooms when I was leaving and she took it to heart, sent me off with loads of meat and veggies. I had a blast at the party, got drunk, ate a good deal of meat, but was totally in control of my food choices, well up till the point where I had the burger, I had not necessarily intended that. When I'd heard they were on their way from the grill tho I decided I would have one, and by that time I was so caught up in everything that I never thought when I put it on a bun. I should have had it on its own, but I didn't think about the points of the bun, just the burger. No matter, I ate what I ate and drank what I drank, and tracked it all the next day. Since I worked all day and wasn't able to get any real activity in (I walked to Timmys in the morning to get coffee for D and DP so I could say I got 15 min in) I dipped heavily into the FP, but not a catestrophy. I would have preferred not to have used FP last week, but it was a party, and I had a wonderful time. I don't let myself think about how the house is sold and they'll be leaving, it's just too damn depressing. Better to think of going home in a week and my best friends coming with me. It's too surreal to be real.

Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking

Worth everything I may ever be

1 week, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I can hear the fireworks, they're going on now over downtown. When I went for my river walk this evening the riverfront was crowded with people who were settling to wait. If I hadn't been so desperately tired and hungry I might have wished to stay and watch as well. But as it is, it was a long day, and I was asked to stay later, so it was almost 6:30 before I got home. All I wanted to do was eat and rest, but I made myself go for my walk and I'm glad I did. I saw my friends from the pub when I was walking by it, and stopped to chat for a few minutes, and they told me I look great. All I felt was sweaty and tired, but it's nice to hear it. I'm trying so hard to do what I can before I go, but I know it probably is all for naught. But at least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I tried. My diet the past two days has been very disciplined; yes I've had some healthy muffins, but most of my meals have just consisted of lean meat and vegetables. I figure if anything will do it, that will.

I know I said I would write properly tonight, but I'm almost too weary to think straight, I need to rest. I missed my chance to chat with M tonight and that sucks :(

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Within, the dark holds hard

1 week, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It was a tired kind of day in lieu of all the partying I did last night. I had an awesome time, but got drunk and was up rather late, so it threw my day off. I didn't get my workout in till late in the afternoon, but I did get it in at least, despite feeling tired and out of sorts. I also went for a late river walk, since the rain that had been forcast never showed up, and I wanted muffins for dessert but didn't want to spend my remaining FPs on them. I was craving them all day so I made them before I exercised and had a couple with dinner. F gave me a bunch of leftover food from the party and as good as it is to have meat, I still wanted the cinnamon. Anyhoo, I'll have to say more tomorrow, I want to get my summary done and send off an imp email then get to bed, it's already late.

Weekly summary:
Earned 62 APs
17.2 hours (1030 min) total activity
44.8 miles (72.1 kms) walked
13.5 FPs remaining
2.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 187.2

Saturday

1 week, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

No proper post for today, worked then went to F's for a party. Over and out.

Earned 1 AP today: 15 min brisk walking

100 lb Milestone

1 week, 5 days till Home!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Well it is finally official; I can now say I have lost 100 lbs.

The funny thing is that I unofficially hit that number during my Celebration Weekend over a month ago, but officially the number has since eluded me. I knew it would come around again eventually, so I wasn't much worried, but goodness, I would have liked it to show a little more urgency than it turned out to..lol.

Nonetheless, my weight loss has shown a steady downward progress throughout, so I knew I would get there sooner or later. Here, see for yourself:

Notice the pretty little milestone stars underneath the last chart, I've built up quite the collection. Blue is my favorite colour so I'm thrilled that the 100 lb star is blue. I'm silly like that. Only one more to add - the gold Goal star. The first couple of months are interesting on the chart, that was back before I had my own scale, and had very unreliable ways of weighing myself. Once I got my own scale and was weighing every week, things became very consistent. And once I got more honest about my weighing practices, you can see the reliable dips and peaks from month to month associated with my menstrual cycle, which I find endearing somehow. I love reliability and predictability, it's satisfying for me.

Today's weight tracking has occured in a different environment than usual. It's a beautiful day and I woke up feeling full of pep and vinegar (old-fashioned it may be, but ever so much better than being full of piss and wind!) and I retired out onto the balcony after breakfast to do my computer work out here where I can look down on the Hood and enjoy the sun (albeit from the shade, I wouldn't sit out here if I was in direct sunlight..lol). I knew from day one that I would eventually have that 100 lb star, and I've been expecting it for weeks now, and yet when I brought up the weight tracker to officially track it, I got unexpected tears in my eyes. At first I felt a little foolish, but I was inside refilling my water bottle and a sudden thought came to me and I was laughing out loud and in tears again. Of course it's not foolish! Maybe I've been doing this whole weight loss thing for 11 months now, but there's nothing wrong with making this a momentus occasion, because while I may have been tracking losses for a long time now, I have never tracked a 100 lb loss before now.

And what really made me laugh and allow myself to fully recognise this as a noteworthy milestone was the realisation that this is truly a one-time experience, because I will never lose 100 lbs again. And that is why I was laughing for joy, because I know this is the only time I will ever be able to celebrate this accomplishment. I will never be in a position where I will have 100 lbs to lose ever again. I know this without a doubt because I am in control of my life and my choices, and I choose to never gain the weight back. No matter what life throws at me, even if I suffer hardships and illness and injury and am unable to live life the way I do now, I will alter my lifestyle and my choices whatever way I have to in order to stay at a healthy weight and not gain it back, regardless of the effort that will take. I made that committment when I started this journey, and I reinforce that committment to myself here and now. And the reason I am so certain that this is it and I will never go back to where I was is that after all this time and work I am only more dedicated to my new lifestyle than I had been when I started. I know I can keep meeting my goals because meeting them is all about the choices I make, and my choices are mine to control. As long as I want this, I will never fail...and I will always want this.

It's pretty surreal to be sitting here on this oh so fine warm summer's day and to be looking back over the last 100 lbs. In some ways the time went so quickly, and in other ways the changes feel so gradual. I've been thinking about the noteworthy differences and changes I've had along the way, and what better time and place to go ahead and note them!

• As is inevitable after losing 100 lbs, my body is now lighter and more bendy/flexible than it ever was before! I feel so much more efficient in my movement; getting from point A to point B doesn't require the effort that it did. I feel faster and I've still not gotten used to the sensation that I am in fast forward sometimes. I can cut corners and turn and start and stop so much more easily and quickly than I could before. And I love love love how I can crouch without effort, and stay that way for a long time. I can also stand from a squat with ease, as well as kneel without problem. These are big ones for me, I've always wanted to be able to do that. I also feel so light and airy now when I get up from the floor (which I do a lot when I'm exercising). I never knew how truly effortful it used to be for me to get off the floor most of my life until now. I realise now I used to avoid sitting on the floor because of how hard it was to get up, which was an issue at work because I had to get down there a lot. These days it's literally a pleasure to get off the floor because I feel so light when I do.
• BONES!!! I have them!! And I NEVER get sick of them!! It started off with being able to feel my collar bones, and to feel the curve of my rib cage. Along the way I've had the joy to meet shoulder bones, shoulder blades, knee bones, my breast bone, knuckles, individual ribs, that little roundy bone in my wrist (a huge pleasure to meet that particular bone, been a goal since I was a young girl!), my spine, and probably my most favorite, my hip bones! I remember meeting every one, and every experience was thrilling...and usually terrifying at first because I had no idea what it was and would panic till I realised what strange thing it was that I had encountered. Once a new bone is discovered I entertain myself endlessly with feeling it and looking at it. Seriously, I can't keep my hands off my ribs or my hip bones especially.
• I've adopted a very healthy diet over the last 100 lbs; when I started off I was eating within my points religiously, but I was rather clueless about food and options of what to eat. I remember I would have hot dogs for supper constantly because it allowed me to have a big supper meal but I never knew what else I could be eating otherwise. I was still eating junk food and high calorie/processed foods, just cutting the portion sizes to stay within my points. These days my diet still tends to have little variation, but it is made up almost entirelly of nonprocessed foods. Every meal has lots of veggies, and I actually plan my meals with such things in mind as the amount of protein I'm getting, and the types of vegetables (eg., green vs orange). I don't buy meals, I buy ingredients and make meals from them. This still blows my mind and constantly feels like an accomplishment to be proud of
• I now spend a lot of time researching health topics and learning in order to keep making changes in what I eat/do so I can meet my goal of living as healthy as I can. I actually spend hours each week reading up on things that look useful, and searching out info . When I'm in my routine I spend 30-60 min a day doing my research and planning how I can use the info in my diet/exercise plan. Sometimes I am just browsing health sites/blogs, and other times I am specifically going after certain information. When I started I wasn't too concerned about anything other than following WW and staying in my points, but as I progressed I really came to see the need to educate myself so I can make healthy choices; WW is a method, but I find they fall short on giving information specific enough to suit me. I started there and branched out to find out more, because I find it too general for my own needs. I wouldn't have known where to start without WW tho, and it gives a great groundwork to build on.
• I've learned to be much more comfortable doing things like eating in public, and shopping with others. I used to have a great deal of anxiety if I had to eat around other people, and I've learned this is very common among females with weight problems. I used to wait till I was alone before I would eat, and would hide food so I could eat it just so I wouldn't have to deal with someone else watching me. I never used to take lunch breaks at work because I couldn't bear eating where people could see me. Now I would raise the roof off the place in protest if I wasn't able to take my lunch break, and eating around other people doesn't make me nervous the way it used to. I don't feel other people are watching my every bite and judging me for it. I've relaxed into realising that most people couldn't be bothered with monitoring what others are eating, and it helps that the people who do notice what I eat tend to compliment my choices and praise me for it. I still get nervous sometimes about the amount of food I eat and worry that people will criticise, but mostly I have gained confidence in my lifestyle and in knowing that everything is balanced, and I still have a very healthy diet. I'm getting to a point where I don't care whether someone looks at what I'm eating and thinks "wow that is a lot of food", which is a huge victory for me.
• Exercise has become an essential part of my life, and what's more, I enjoy it! 100 lbs ago I was incredibly inactive, hell, for most of my adult life I was incredibly sedentary and inactive. I started off relatively slowly, but I've come to a point where as hard as it is to believe, I think I honestly have to categorise myself as being Very Active. Sometimes that still feels like a lie, but having looked at exercise charts of normal activity, I really do seem to fit in the exalted Very Active category. And what's more noteworthy is that my focus has shifted over the last 11 months whereby I have been making exercise goals instead of weight loss ones. I started off wanting the healthy lifestyle because it would bring about the weight loss, but that changed as I came to want the healthy lifestyle over and above the weight loss. Yes, I want to be thin, but my goal is to maintain a lifestyle of regular exercise and healthy eating. The being thin part will just come hand in hand. A small distinction perhaps, some would say, but to me this is such a critical change in me that it is monumental in its own way. It is about taking my pleasure and satisfaction from the way I am living, and not what my body looks like, which is awesome because no matter that I've lost 100 lbs, my body still has tonns of issues which are not going away anytime soon. And incidently, I've also shifted from wanting to be thin, to wanting to be curvy and muscular. As much as I love my bones, I never want them sticking out! I'm not aiming for a number, I'm aiming to be a particular shape, and as my interest in weight training keeps growing, I am less interested in losing weight and more keen on gaining muscle and strength.
• In general I am just much more relaxed about people looking at me and touching me. I always felt so akward around people, but I feel like I stick out less now, and it allows for a lot less anxiety when I'm out and around people. I'm finally getting to a place where I am liking how I look, instead of just looking at myself and liking that I'm getting smaller, but still hating how I look. Yes I still have rolls and I hate them, but the overall package isn't so bad and I'm liking the reflection in the mirror more and more.
• Odds and ends: I fit into bus seats now without overflowing onto the next person; people can actually sit next to me now without me noticing until I turn my head and see them. I fit into normal size clothing now when I used to be a size 26. I can walk up 7 flights of stairs with little effort when before I would still be breathing fast and my heart would be pounding 15 min later. I can be on my feet at work all day, day after day, without my feet being in agony, or even sore at the end of the day. I'm able to eat breakfast now; for years eating after I woke up made me incredibly nauseated. I've adopted such a healthy diet that I am rarely hungry between meals since I am eating food to fuel my body instead of eating empty crap. Conversely, even if I don't get really hungry, I have an appetite now for my meals because I eat 3 meals instead of once a day and have improved my metabolism. For the first time in a decade I am able to consistently lie down at night and go to sleep, and sleep all night till morning without troubles. My digestive problems have all but disappeared. My thighs don't rub together like they did when I walk. I don't sweat near as much, even in the sun. And I get cold...a lot And maybe one of the best changes of all...I don't have to be drunk to dance in public anymore.

100 lbs down, not that many left to go. Onward and downward! It's the Incredible Shrinking Woman! *flies away*

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Stranger things could never change my mind

1 week, 6 days till Home!!!!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

My day was thrown off by plans that got changed in the afternoon, so I actually didn't have a dinner meal today. Definitely not preferable and I'm not pleased about it, but I could have had a late dinner but it would have meant a late supper, and I just chose to skip it and have supper at a proper supper time instead. I've been eating supper late at night again, and I really would like to get out of that habit. And I can't even blame it on work, it's just been because I've been letting myself get off schedule in the daytimes.

But either way, I'm fed and watered at a decent time for once, and I even had a big dessert of aple muffins which I made again, and my toes are all but curling at how delicious I find them. They truly satisfy my sweet tooth and they have a good heft to them, I expect I'll be making a lot of muffins from now on. I love how I can eat food I find so delicious and still lose weight!

Speaking of which, the scale is starting to move down again, thankfully. I've been at a standstill of sorts for over a month and it was starting to get annoying. I've been working hard, it's nice when the number reflects where my body is actually at. But even if it doesn't, I'm MUCH more concerned with being happier with my body than what the number is. I don't care if the number stands stock still for the next few weeks, as long as I notice a difference in my body size/shape. I tried on my goal shirt again today to try and gauge whether or not I could wear it in 2 weeks, and I honestly have no idea. I would almost think I could, if I worked hard and managed to lose more fat between now and then, but at the same time I'm clueless when it comes to clothes, and it might not look good on me. The thing is, I see girls all the time wearing body-hugging shirts while having rolls or big tummys. Now the argument could be made that they shouldn't be wearing them because it is not flattering, but all I see is that it is common that bigger girls wear tight clothes. I've worn shirts that hug my body since I've gotten thinner, and I guess the thing for me is that even tho I still got rolls, I'm smaller than I was, and I don't think I look so bad when I wear tighter shirts. Yes it would be preferable to have a flat stomach, but my stomach is a lot better than it was, and that is probably why I don't feel I look so terrible. But still, I don't want to be wearing clothes that no one would want to see me in. I wish I was able to figure these things out, but I guess I'll just have to try on the shirt for someone else and get their opinion. I would really love to wear the shirt, but not if people will think I look awful in it. Yes, it is what i think that matters, but in this case I'm not sure what I think, unlike the shirts I already wear.

Of course it might just all be a moot point anyway; I took progress pics yesterday and for the life of me I couldn't see a difference in my body from now and last March, so it might be too much to expect that I will make any progress on my body in hte next two weeks. I'm determined to try tho, I've done a tonn of exercise this week already, I did my workout today and a walk, and I'll do another walk tomorrow and hopefully some other form of activity too. I even made my workout a little harder today, increasing the intensity of one exercise and doing more of another. I'm feeling tired tonight but in a good way, and my body feels good. My quads were a little sore today and so were my biceps for some reason when I was lifting, but even after the jogging yesterday I felt no different today otherwise. I have to make sure I'm getting my food in over three meals a day tho and none of this skipping meals business. I need to be especially disciplined the next 2 weeks, it won't be long now! And I'm really becoming aware of how happy I'll be to have the suspense over with; I had an anxiety dream last night where I went home and no one noticed a difference. I was so upset that when I woke up I almost started crying. I've been dreaming of this for so long, I'm getting paranoid that I've built something up out of nothing. Well, 1 week, 6 days of hard work and then I will know, for better or for worse.

Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking