It's Delle!

Someone on the WW boards mentioned they read my blog (news to me, I didn't think anybody stopped by here aside from my best friend!), so I thought I should put a little blurb about me. I made this journal so I can keep track of the things I'm doing and how I'm thinking and feeling as I journey along the road to getting thinner. It's not intended to be written to an audience, it is honestly something I am writing to myself, and I find it so helpful to be able to look back even 4 months ago and see what kinds of things I was many of our experiences in life slip through the cracks, and I want to remember as many of them as I can in relation to my weight loss; the good, the bad, and even the oh so ugly ones!

So many people say they've struggled with their weight for years, but this is not tue for me. I've been overweight from my earliest memories, and morbidly obese all of my adult life, but I was not the type to yo-yo diet, so in that sense I was not struggling. I don't know what my highest weight was because I didn't have a scale to weigh myself when I started getting set to lose weight. In the year before I started WW I started trying to eat less junk food and to get a little activity into my routine. When I started WW I was 288 lbs and wearing a size 22, and I know the year before I was wearing a size 26 (which was tight on me), so I'm guessing I was easily in the low 300 lb-range at my highest weight.

For the first year of my weight loss journey I was incredibly focussed and motivated. I was keeping my weight loss a secret from my family back home in Newfoundland, and my goal was to surprise them on my trip home in July. Needless to say it was quite a shock to a lot of people when I showed up over 100 lbs lighter without any warning!

Right now I am getting back on track after my trip back home. I wasn't following WW for a while due to comp issues, not to mention life issues, and I've gained back some of the weight I had lost. I got away from journalling, but I'm back at it again and am using it to help me get my focus back. I also like using it to keep track of my activity, although I've not had an organised execise regime for a few months now due to an injury. I'm getting back into my activity, however, and I will be updating all my numbers soon.

As I said, I don't write in this blog with an audience in mind, but if anyone had any questions or comments on anything here, please don't hesitate to post!

BTW, the name of my blog came from a comment my supervisor at work made one day when I was in the middle of a full-blown rant about something I had to do that was infuriating me. He interrupted me and said something to the tune of, "Don't worry about it you don't have to do it. And my goodness look at you! Where are you going, everytime I see you, you're smaller! It's crazy, you're the incredible shrinking woman!!" The moment was funny and unexpected and seemed to sum up my life right now, so I came home and re-titled my blog.

Now all I need is a cape...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

The Concert - Celebration of 100 lbs (soon to be) lost


Sunday was cloudy and wet and dreary and for some reason almost seemed oddly appropriate. M and I slept in as much as we were able, which wasn't too much, considering that we're both accustomed to waking up relatively early (M of course used to getting up earlier than myself, but I have come a long way in that dept, and I was actually waking up before her). I made breakfast and we basically went back to bed, because Sunday + rain = laying about and not being productive. The little running about we had to do for the weekend got done on Saturday, so we had absolutely nothing planned for Sunday excepting the concert. We spent quality time and listened to Harry Potter and the next thing I knew it was time to start being productive. I kept thinking about how the concert was that night, and it still couldn't seem real to me. I wasn't excited emotionally, just mentally, if that makes any sense. I wasn't feeling much of anything, just thinking about details, and trying to get myself to really understand that it was really going to happen. M got a shower while I made a healthy meal for our dinner, and while it was finishing I grabbed my shower then put on my awesome new jeans. I put on my sexy black shirt that we'd talked about me wearing...but I bought that shirt back in Sept, and yes it was tight then but it sure as hell ain't tight no more, and I got a little distressed because I felt it was too baggy to wear now. I'd worn it a few weeks before without issue, but I felt it had looked okay before, but it had become not okay in the interim. There had been a long sleeve black shirt I'd been hoarding in my closet from my first trip to the thrift store back in Nov, one that I thought too good to pass up but needed to do a lot of shrinking into. I tried it on for F back in Jan before M's last visit, and she really liked it and agreed with me that it was a clubbing shirt, but that I needed to do more shrinking. I'd been thinking back then that perhaps I could wear it for our trip downtown when M visited in Jan, but it was not to be. I'd been thinking since that maybe I could wear it to the concert, tho M thought I should wear my other sexy black shirt, the one I'd bought in Sept and wore downtown in Jan. The reason I wanted so desperately to be able to wear the long-sleeved one if I could was because the other shirt is short sleeved, and I want to hide my flying squirrels if at all possible. I was thinking that a concert could very well involve waving arms above my head/clapping hands above my head, and I hated the thought that my arm flab would be waving about for the world (and possibly the band!!!!) to see. The problem was that 2 or 3 weeks before the concert (I can't remember which) I took the long sleeved shirt out of the closet and tried it on again to gauge whether it was wearable, and at that time it was not...still too snug to wear. So when I tried on the short-sleeved one from Jan on the day of the concert and saw how it was hanging on me suddenly, I was very unhappy. We'd agreed I wanted to wear black, and they were the only black shirts I own for going out. M said I didn't look so bad that I couldn't still wear it, and I thought she was probably right, but I still was unhappy with it, so I went to the closet and pulled out the long-sleeved one just to make sure it was not an option......and when I put it on, it fit fine!!!!! I couldn't believe it, I made M look and look and asked her a bunch of times if I looked okay and she kept saying yes. I just couldn't believe that in just a few weeks I'd gone from not being able to wear it (and I will still wear things if they are snug, from what I can tell from F's standards) to it fitting comfortably. I'm still trying to get my head around it, a bit. I know I've been exercising like a fiend, and that every pound counts more now than it did, but it really seems like all the hard work I've been putting in really paid off when it was getting down to the wire. We were rushed for time there at the end, but at least I went out the door feeling good about how I looked. And feeling my first butterflies, incidently.

The drive to London was uneventful, thankfully. We had a little stress at the very beginning (which is never good) because just as we were leaving I took a look at the page of directions we had from Mapquest, and realised that they were totally and utterly confusing. Thank God we had borrowed D's GPS (after much hemming and hawing), and I made the decision that we were going to trust in it instead of the printed directions. I know M was very tense, and I was a bit tense knowing that, but D's Magic Box didn't let us down, and it got us where we needed to go without problem. Yes, there were moments when we doubted, but we had put our trust in the Magic Box, and did what it told us, and aside from adventures with the Buckley truck making a game of passing us, it was a quiet drive. And I do mean quiet; we didn't talk a whole lot, I for one was a little lost in my head and trying to absorb what was going to happen. Nonetheless I enjoyed the drive and the scenery and knowing I was sharing the experience with someone who means the world to me. The closer we got to London, the more I sank into a quiet kind of nerves and excitement, still mostly tied up with a feeling of disbelief. When we got into London the nerves started to kick it up, and I stared down at the Magic Box more than I looked around, knowing that it was soon going to tell us that the next direction would be our destination. Every so often I would look around and think..."Nightwish is in London. I am in London. I am going to see Nightwish". It still didn't seem real, but it was starting to seem more real than it had at any other point beforehand. When finally the Magic Box told me that our destination was ahead, the butterflies in my stomach suddenly turned into teradactyls, and from that point onward I was officially a Spaz. We came up on the venue, a large club basically, and the first thing I noticed was that there was a huge lineup waiting already. The second were the buses parked alongside the club. The third was that there was absolutely no parking left in the tiny parking lot by the club. This brought on more feelings of tenseness, mostly on M's behalf as it turns out; she was feeling the nerves of being trying to drive in a strange city for the first time, and while I was feeling the nerves of knowing my best friend was feeling nerves, I was mostly feeling the nerves of knowing my favorite band in the whole wide world was within shouting distance, and that I was going to actually see and hear them.

We parked and I left my coat despite the wind and rain, and we walked to the club and after some walking found the end of the line and joined it. By this time I was in full Spaz Mode, and I was staring up at the sign reading "Nightwish May 11" and at the tour buses parked by the club, and trying to get my stomach to hold still. From the moment we spotted the club onward I was no fit company for M, and I feel bad about that, but I think she understood and didn't hold it against me. Indeed, she told me to pose for a pic of me in the line, and told me to take a pic of the sign and so on. She also put up with me gripping her coat and bouncing and being basically unintelligible overall with my constant utterances of "Oh my God! OH MY GOD!!" She even encouraged me to touch the tour bus when we were standing by it, but I was too much of a Spaz and couldn't summon the courage. I kept looking at the club, then looking at the bus, and all I knew is that they were so close, and the knowledge of it was almost more than I could bear. We got in before too long, and the place was packed. There was no more room on the floor, and after a few minutes reconnaisance we went upstairs; there was a balcony area long the second floor looking down on the first floor and stage area. There were people lined along all the railings, but after a bit of searching we found a spot where there we were standing behind two people were weren't very tell, and we could see between them well to the stage area which was almost directly in front of us. So we staked out our spot, and I settled down (in a manner of speaking) to wait for the concert to start. It was maybe a half hour (time had no meaning to me, I can only really guess) before something started, and in that whole time I barely said two words to M I think. I was so so aware of how each moment was agony and exctasy while I waited, because I longed for it to start, but I was too aware of how it would end too soon and I was savouring every single moment of anticipation with a lover's intensity. I kept staring at the stage (which seemed miniscule) until finally a fellow came out and set himself to the drum set. I went into an instant state of alarm and confusion, because one glance told me he was not Jukka...and I had a spot of panic when I thought that I had misunderstood it afterall, and that Nightwish wouldn't actually be there, that it would be maybe one member of the band playing with other artists performing Nightwish songs, and that of course the actual band wouldn't be there, how could I be so foolish as to think I would actually see them in person, when M said something about it being the warm up band, and my panic receded for the most part. The warm up band (whoever they were...we never caught the name) were strange to me because I had not been prepared for them, but I relaxed enough to enjoy their sound and style, and I savoured every moment of their performance, both for what they were, and for the further promise of anticipation. When they were done we had about another half hour I guess for set up, during which I know for a fact I only looked away from the stage area once. I stared and stared and was so caught up in the moment that I was oblivious to everything else and all I could think was that soon it was going to happen and all I could do was to try and keep from breaking down.

And then the lights went down, and the music started. And then Jukka stepped onto the stage. And then I felt like I was on the edge of everything. And then the door opened, and the rest of the band walked out, and it was like every part of me from my breastbone to my hips was being clenched tight tight tight, and I couldn't breathe and I was fighting to stay present and not fall apart completely and at the same time I was so aware of how this was happening right now and that I had to be present and to not miss one moment of it. I was walking a knife edge to experience what was happening without losing myself, while still being in a place where I was living my dream....a dream come true, one I had dreamed of for so many years. Surreal is a word that is so inadequate to describe the experience for me. They were right there, at most 50 feet away from me, so close I could see every expression, could follow their eyes as they looked around the club, and oh! how my heart would stop in my chest when one of their eyes would move to my part of the balcony, and it would seem (and could possibly be, at times!) that their eyes would meet mine. The wonder and the pleasure I would feel at that moment was almost enough to undo me, but I was constantly fighting to stay present. and every nuance and every particle of the night was exposed to me, and I held onto every one as I could. Truly, it was all I could do not to blink as I tried to take in every aspect, every moment, and not to miss a thing. Tuomas was directly across from us, and before the concert even started the knowledge that he would be standing there so close was enough to make me tremble. Watching him perform was an experience beyond words for me, the whole night was, but that especially. It was exactly as I could have expected, if I'd dared to imagine that night (which I had not, truly); to see him perform, to actually live his creations, was an experience that transcended words, that was almost holy for me. The joy I felt, the exctasy, the longing, I was constantly trembling, wiping away tears, laughing in pleasure, transported to another plain of feeling. Perhaps I sound corny, but I am trying to express how it was for me, the most thrilling experience of my life. Yes, I have been that emotional a couple of times before in my life, but those instances were not good experiences; they were times of intense emotion, but those emotions were all negative...grief and sorrow. This was the first time I had ever felt such intense emotion and have the emotions actually be positive.

I couldn't have said afterward how long the concert had lasted, because it went in a blink and at the same time I was so lost in the moment that it could have been all night. I'd been hoping to see them perform "Sleeping Sun", or "Beauty of the Beast", which are my favorite Nightwish songs, but I wasn't expecting they would, since those songs are older and they are touring the new album. They did however perform "While Your Lips Are Still Red", which is another favorite song, and one which has had a lot of very personal meaning to be the last few months. When they began the song I almost got overwhelmed, and I was trying not to start crying so much I couldn't enjoy it. I did take pictures throughout, and my hands were shaking so much during that one that I was afraid I wouldn't get one of them doing my fav song of the night, one I had been hoping so much they would play. I loved how they turned the lights down and concentrated on Tuomas and Marco during that song. The venue was so small that it was really a rather intimate atmosphere, all things considered, and I would not have changed one thing about it. The band was constantly interacting with the crowd, talking to us, tossing things to the people in front of the stage, and even up in the balcony (Tuomas tossed up a bottle of water he had been drinking from). Emppu was constantly tossing out guitar picks, and I was surprised actually at how engaged he was in the performance, as well as the rest of the band. They really did seem to have fun with it, and I loved the interaction back and forth. At one point Marco got down on the floor by Emppu while he was playing, and raised the neck of his bass buitar up between Emppu's legs while he was striking a pose and playing, to make it look like he had a huge boner going on, so silly and so hilarious! Marco was a pleasure to watch, he has such a powerful and energetic personality, playful and naughty and carefree. There was a time where he was talking to us, twisting his long beards and grinning with the most wicked expression that everyone started cheering. I wish I'd had a better view of Jukka on drums, but he was also engaged and I loved his expressions and watching him twirl his sticks between the slower beats. Anette was enjoyable, mostly because I was prepared for her to be inexperienced, but to be honest she is so new to the band that I paid her much less attention than the men. I know if Tarja had still been performing with them I would have been transfixed by her, but she had that kind of presence. Anette has a powerful voice tho, and her accent is not as thick as Tarja's had been. The band's english was very well actually, better than I had expected, I had no trouble understanding what they were saying. I just wish Tuomas had said more, but he definitely prefers to stay to the rear of the limelight. But it was enough to watch him so immersed in his music, he has always been my favorite band member because as a very passionate person myself, the intensity of his own passion has always struck a chord with me. It was so incredible to watch him perform, and see that passion with my own eyes, because it is impossible to mistake it. And until the band left the stage after their encore, I drank in every drop of it until I was so out of it that I couldn't even move. The crowd started to make their way out when the lights came up, but I had to stay there for a while in the balcony, looking at the stage and around at the people leaving, until I collected myself a little. I was all teary and elated and overcome with so much emotion that I wasn't able to talk to M at all. Finally we made our way to the bathroom (a chick in there was having a very long discussion with someone about her tattoo.."it's delicate, it's very delicate") and out of the club. My legs were wobbly and totally unreliable, and I was so out of it that everything seemed strange, but M ended up taking my hand and helping me along. I turned and stared and stared at the buses and the waiting limo, aware that we were leaving, and they were leaving, and that very soon we would no longer be in London together. I was very aware that it was finishing, and that each moment onward would be taking be further away from that incredible night. I couldn't get the tears to stop, but chose to let them do what they pleased, and I cried all the way back to the car. Well, to be honest I cried most of the way to Chatam before I calmed down a bit. There was just so much in my mind, so much feeling about the night. It was more than seeing the band (although that was deinfitely enough to have me in tears); it was being aware of the past year, of all the struggles I've had, of everything that has happened and everything I have done. I felt like I was looking over a stretch of my life, and being aware of how far I had come. I think having experienced something I had never thought I would get to experience but had wanted for so many years made it more clear than it ever had been to me that where I am right now is also come place I had always wanted to be, but never thought I would. Feeling emotion has not always been an easy thing for me over the years, and that night a lot of emotion that had been deep inside me where I couldn't really feel it came spilling out. It was a confusing mass of emotions, and there was actually a lot of grief mixed up with everything, but it was definitely not a bad thing, it was emotion I had been carrying with me like a burden but had never been able to get out. The whole way back to Windsor I kept playing the night over and over in my mind, fixing it all in my memory, not wanting to forget any of it. It had been an experience I want to carry with me forever; the music was wonderful, the atmosphere electic, and the whole band came alive and their personalities were apparent for anyone there to witness them, even M commented on it. And for someone like me, who has loved this band more than any other for so many years, seeing the truth of what I'd hoped for and dreamed of for so long, that it was everything I had ever imagined it to be, and that they were everything I had ever thought they were, was without a doubt the most thrilling and exhillerating experience of my life to this day.

So that was my 100 lb Celebration, and as I said after my 50 lb one, it was a very fitting celebration of an exciting milestone. I'm so very grateful that M was there to share the weekend and that night with me, it would have been a rather poor celebration without her. She was so supportive of me and my Spazzy self at the concert, and she was understanding in the car when I spent the first hour of the drive back just crying and being inside myself. Eventually I came out enough to talk, and eventually we even started singing songs to stay awake till we got back to the city. I got her to take a pic of me when we got back to my flat, to commerate my big night, and someday I will stick it in here when I no longer have to stay anonymous.

It was a good day.

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