I can't stop yawning

Quick post for me tonight. Not much to be said, today was good, not exceptional in any way. Was busy at work tasking, the time went really quickly. Forgot to take my lunch break so I just ended early and ate then. Got a ride home with D so I was able to get a river walk in before dark. The walk was a little torturous on account of I needed to pee sooo badly and it was all I could think about for 3/4 of the walk. I seriously considered skimming my pants down behind a bush, but didn't. I saw a grand total of 8 people for my whole walk, and of course there would be one person in sight just when I would see a likely spot. Oh well, it probably would have frozen anyway, wasn't very warm out. And probably a good thing I didn't pee outside, not really something one should be doing. Unless you're a man, then the world's your toilet. Must go make supper and try to forget that there is a football game on tonight that I really would love to see but am unable. Very sleepy for some reason....ZZzz..

Earned 7 APs today: 90 min brisk walking

A sense of calm

Oops! I somehow managed to completely forget about posting last night. I blame it on the fact that my schedule was thrown completely off by having to close at the store for the first time in a month, it must be. Strange how I always got closing shifts before, and after only a month, closing seemed so incredibly alien to me. I think it has to do with getting used to being asleep at 9pm, and up and out the door before dawn, then suddenly only being a couple hours into my shift and having the sun go down on me. I was so disoriented my whole shift, feeling like I should be home in bed or something, it felt like 2 in the morning. Definitely not the best shift I've ever worked. Somehow I managed to be silly in light of it all tho; I defiitely had some interesting chats with customers. What I hated is that a 6-hour closing shift felt 4 hours longer than an 8-hour morning shift. Guess I'll just have to adjust as best I can. The only thing is, I got home at 10:30pm, and had to eat make an eat supper at a time I am now used to being asleep by. Posting never entered my head. Maybe I will have to do it before leaving for evening shifts.

I had a bit of an odd conversation with a new co-worker in the lunch room when I was on break. I have absolutely no recollection of how the conversation started, but we ended up having a discussion about gastric bypass. Oh, I remember, now, we were talking about how coworkers always eat at McDonalds and I said I don't but the couple times I have, I get the turkey breast sub because it is the most calorie friendly, and he warned me about counting calories and it went on from there. I tried to express my opinion that surgery should be the last chance situation, and he got really defensive. Turns out he has family members who have had the surgery, and he is adament about how their lives have changed for the better. He couldn't seem to get it that I wasn't knocking gastric bypass, just that I don't believe it should be taken lightly, because there are such risks with surgery. He kept arguing that there are more risks with being obese. It was a weird conversation, I don't know why he decided to hash it out with me. He seemed to be very weight conscious. He seemed a fine shape to me, but he talked about how he had to lose and get back in shape. I don't know if he was talking about gastric bypass and how awesome it is, because he thinks I am owefully obese and need intervention. I wondered in an idle way what his motivation was, without feeling the slightest insult or need to defend myself or explain anything. Maybe he is just talkative, it takes time to understand new coworkers. How strange knowing I've been there a year and two months.

I read something on the WW boards today I think it was, a woman had posted about how she had prepared so thoroughly for the new Body For Life challenge, and that she felt such a sense of calm before starting. Another WW member posted, commenting that that is how she felt when she started WW. It struck me that that is exactly how I felt when I started WW....very calm. Well, yes, there was a great deal of excitement about starting my journey and being on my way, but underneath it all was a great sense of calm, and surity. I knew it was going to work, and that I was going to do it. There was no doubt. Nothing but calm. Mm.

Earned 7 APs yesterday: 85 min brisk walking

Earned 18 APs today: 20 min low-intensity DDR, 60 min mod-intensity DDR, 85 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

The Great Purge + 50 lb milestone = the Great Post of Nov. 25th

Never got to post last night or the night before. I ended up going to my girlfriend's house on Saturday and staying over, so no worries. Saturday was a good day, I got a reasonable amount of exercise in. DDR in the morning, and got to go for a nice river walk, which is always good.

Part I: The Great Purge

Saturday was the day of the Great Closet Purge of 2007. On Tuesday I went to a thrift store for the first time in my life and got some much needed clothes. I had to do training for work off site this week past, and that meant no uniform. I suddenly realised I really have nothing that fits anymore that's not sports wear. I especially wanted to find a pair of bluejeans, as the only pair I have left are terribly baggy and keep threatening to fall off. I also needed to look for more pants I could wear to work, as the ones I'm wearing now are also discovering how much fun it is to slip down over my hips. I tried to run to the bus stop last monday morning when I was afraid I would be too late to get my bus, and had to abort that plan halfway down the block when I just barely managed to catch my pants before they fell down past my butt cheeks. Thankfully it was still dark and my coat was long enough that no one could see my bum (albiet inside of panties), but one of my neighbours was outside with his dog and instead of making it obvious that I had to pull up my pants, I just discretely held onto the waistband where it was resting just at the hemline of my jacket, and walked sedately around the corner and out of sight and pulled them up again. For some reason I didn't want to broadcast to him that my pants almost fell off. I think that's just as amusing as almost losing my pants.

Either way the incident reinforced the idea that I need clothes that fit properly, so Tuesday I threw my day out the window, and went to the thrift store. As I said, it was my first time, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I was very very pleasantly surprised; there were tons of clothes, and lots of selection, and the clothes were in excellent condition. I had read other women's accounts of how they get overcome by a kind of craziness upon shopping in a thrift store for the first time and find themselves surrounded by so much possibility and cheapness, but I arrogantly thought I would be immune to this phenomena. Turns out I can be wrong sometimes (only sometimes) and I did actually find myself the victim of Thrift Store Virgin Mania. I spent almost 3 hours there, tried on half the clothing in the store (or so it felt like) and bought about one quarter of it (or so it felt like). It was a little depressing to see how there was still such little selection in the sizes over 18, and I wasn't able to get a suitable pair of bluejeans because what they had did not fit me properly, but I did get lots of other things that will be very useful. I got an awesome pair of dark jeans which are pretty dressy, and I was actually able to wear them to one of my training days, incidently with a white collar shirt that I had bought a few years ago when it was on sale, and have never been able to wear once because it was forever too small. Well it certainly fits now, and I felt like a million bucks in it. When I showed up for training, F complimented me which of course inspired me to do a runway walk and spin and show off, which she appreciated more than the outfit even (was the outfit I was wearing when I journalled on Thursday looking so fine). I got some clothes I can wear now, and I got more clothes that I will shrink into. There was one shirt in particular that I might not be able to wear until a lot closer to goal, but it was a beautiful top, and I absolutely fell in love with it and had to buy it so I could fit into it someday. It was so exciting to be trying on shirts that are XL and L, and having some of them actually fit me!!! I ended up spending $139, and got 5 pairs of pants and 15 shirts. That was a lot of money for me to shell out at one time with my budget, but I need clothes, and this way I won't have to buy much of anything till the spring, I expect, save maybe a pair of jeans. I even got a pair of pants I will be able to wear to work in another month or two. Got a really nice pair of size 16 slacks that will be suitable for dressy ocassions. I love the thrift store!!!!!!!

The problem is that with all my "new" clothes, I had no where to put them, and I decided that Saturday would be the day of the Great Purge in order to make room for them. Back when I first started WW, there was a Great Purge going on around the boards, and I remember reading about it, and thinking about how hard it is for me to throw things away, especially clothes! I knew it would be a long time before I needed to, but it was still exciting to imagine being able to wear smaller sizes. There have been times in the past when I have gone down a little in weight, but I have never thrown the larger clothes away, and always ended up fitting back into them again. This is the first time I have gone about losing weight in a serious way, and I knew from the get go that I would need to be strong, and to get rid of my oversized clothing when the time came. Last summer when I contemplated it, it seemed like a wonderful, positive thing, and I didn't think it would be hard aside from getting over my pack-rat tendency to hoard useless things. But the reality of it was a lot harder than I had expected. When I was reading posts from the Great WW Purge last summer on the boards, women were saying it was bittersweet, and I didn't understand that at all. I thought it would be a celebration of one's accomplishments!! It was for that very reason that I planned my own Great Purge for when I did, because I thought it would be an axciting, happy occassion. In truth, it was actually hard in many ways, and I was actually feeling some sadness over taking all these clothes out of my closet to get rid of. Aside from trying not to think about all the "money" I was getting rid of, I realised how attached I was to some of my clothing. My problem has been that I've always been poor, and have had to work hard to buy the things I do. I've never had a lot of clothes, and yes, I have been attached to the few nice things I've had. It was hard to look at them and know I am getting rid of them. Definitely bittersweet!

Despite the anxiety and bittersweetness of it all (yes, that is a word. I just invented it) I did go through all my clothes and make two piles; one for the bin and one for charity. In order to make it a more positive experience and to cheer myself up, I also tried on almost every article of clothing before tossing it, and went to look in the mirror. It was exciting to see that these clothes are so baggy on me now, and it really helped me be able to get rid of them, because even tho it looks so nice on the hanger and I love it, when I actually try it on, it really doesn't look very good anymore, because it does not fit me well at all. I'm glad I took the time to do that because it helped reinforce my accomplishments in my mind, and my reasons for doing it in the first place.

Unfortunately, the Great Closet Purge got interrupted ere the conclusion, because F called on her way from work and told me she was coming to pick me up to bring me to her place. I had to leave my flat looking like a disaster zone because I only had 10 min to get ready. I did however take the time to put the rubbish clothes into a bag and bring them downstairs with me to throw in the dumpster, as a way of finalising the Purge. The clothes for charity are still folded and in a number of piles on my DDR mat at the moment, but I just need to put them in a bag till I can get them off to someone who can use them. I had hoped to do a thorough housecleaning afterward, as I pulled a lot of other stuff out of the closet and left it all over in addition to the mess that has been the result of a chaotic week with no time put into cleaning (hence the disaster zone), but alas and alack, it all got abandoned in favour of the pursuit of fun and happiness and Rock Band playing. When we got to F's, the boys were already there and jamming, and eventually we joined in. F did some singing, and they stuck me on drums. I actually acquitted myself rather well, if I do say so myself, tho not as well as they were making it out to be I think. After a few hours I switched to singing, as I had trouble following the screen and I was getting clumsy. Drumming (even on fake drums) really does take a lot out of you physically! The bass pedel in particular is taxing on the leg...I thought after "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden that I was going to have a charley horse, but I managed to survive it. It hurts, but this game is so much fun you don't care at all.

On Sunday, I did some calculating with the online tracker, and settled on Special K and eggs for breakfast. F and L made supper, and I didn't worry about counting points, because I had almost all my FPs left, as well as a lot of my DPs. We had fajitas, and I made sure to use only a hint of cheese, and to use way more vegetables than beef. I also avoided the sour cream, even tho it was low fat. F got whole wheat pitas for she and I to use, and I had one pita with beef stir fry, and half a one with chicken. Ohh, sometimes I forget just how good meat actually tastes! They always feed me well when I'm over there. We jammed again Sunday evening, and I ended up not getting home till after midnight, but I honestly had an obscene amount of fun playing with the guys and it was worth missing out on exercising and housecleaning in order to have some fun for once! It's a good thing I don't have Rock Band myself, or I probably wouldn't exercise or eat or sleep for that matter. Sometimes it's good to be poor...lol! I had not hung out at F's house since before I started WW, which is just insane, I loved being able to hang out and have a good time. My life has been a whole lot of work and exercise and sadly scarce on fun and good times. Hopefully I can go jam with the gang again this weekend, I would love to be able to do that! We've all been so busy, I need to remember that working fun and relaxation into my week is just as important as working the exercise in there.

Part II: 50 lb milestone

I had a great WI that put me at the 50 lb lost mark, or so I am saying, since I was only off the scale by .2 and I had water before I weighed, so that's definitely close enough for government work!

50 pounds lost!!! 50 POUNDS!!!! WHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost can't believe I've gotten this far already! The time has gone in a blink, it is almost scary. When I think how in less than a year I could be at goal, it just fills me with squee and glee! I'm almost halfway there!

One of the best parts is realising how awesome it is that I started when I did. If I had put it off, and kept waiting, I would still have so much farther to go. But I started and worked hard and here I am at 50 pounds gone and feeling great!

My contemplations/accomplishments/highlights/whatnot of the first 50:

• I've definitely had my eyes opened as to just how unhealthy I was living before, in terms of the way I used to eat. I would eat one enormous meal a day, and the amount of calories I would consume in that meal would probably last me a week on WW. The thing is, the food I was eating never used to seem THAT bad to me a lot of the times, I thought it was just the junk food doing it mostly. Turns out it was definitely both!


• Losing weight is doing wonders for my feelings of self-efficacy. With every week I have success, I have become more confident in who I am, and in my ability to reach my goals. Success definitely breeds success, I am living the proof of that! I can actually work toward something and achieve it! I still can't apply it uniformly across the board to everything I do, but I am learning to!


• I've developed a great pride in myself and what I am doing. Not the flashy, in-your-face kind of pride, but the personal, quiet kind of pride that I carry inside me and just lights up everything I do. I don't hide that I am losing weight, but the only ones I really talk about it with are my close friends. I'm not boastful, but I am still proud. I do talk to my close friends about my accomplishments, and I feel good about that. I love not being constantly ashamed about how I look and how I live. I love being able to tell people that I am eating healthy and exercising. I love being able to order food around other people, and grocery shop with others, and not be the least bit embarrassed. Being proud is deinfitely something I am NOT used to!
• I actually get cold now! When I bought clothes, I bought LONG SLEEVE SHIRTS!!! I turn the heat on in my flat!!! Since when have I ever felt cold it it wasn't 26 below zero???


• I've introduced activity and exercise into my life, and I have made it a priority. I don't know which I am more pleased with; the fact that I'm able to exercise, or the fact that I have actually made it a priority. I worried that I might start off well, but then would slack on it, but as the weeks have gone by, I've only started doing more instead of less. I've started to contemplate introducing running to my exercise regime as well. That's still in the future at this point, but it is becoming something I seriously want to be able to do.


• I have lost 7 inches off my waist alone. Earlier this week I was feeling down for no reason and took my measurement. Then I went back and got the tape and measured it out to my initial size, then looped it around myself to actually see what 7 inches works out to, because it is apparently impossible for me to visualise it in my head. I was astonished at how much that tape stretched around me! I felt I could almost hula-hoop with it! Extremely motivating!


• I have discovered I have collar bones and a ribcage, after both scared me with their presence. It is definitely a frightening experience to be distracted and to suddenly be aware of something hard and protruding that you never noticed before. The ribs in particular had me freaking for 5 minutes, trying to figure out why I was swollen or distended in my chestal area. I am looking forward to more scary moments of "What the heck is THIS?!?!?!?!" followed by meeting another body part for the first time.

There's probably more I want to say about all this, but I think that's lots for now. The journal will still be there tomorrow, and the day after, and so on. I'm just very tired and content. I will post last week's summary...definitely my lowest amount of APs yet, but I'm not beating myself up over it. I need to take care of myself, and sometimes that will mean taking time for me that doesn't involve sweating and burning calories. Well, not in a meticulous, calculated way, anyway ;)

Weekly summary:
Earned 28 APs
5.8 hours (250 min) total activity
10.5 miles (16.9 kms) walked
? FPs remaining
1.8 lbs lost

Friday night

I'm actually pretty surprised I had enough energy left over to make a journal entry. I was doing the free weights a couple hours ago and I thought I was going to have to give up halfway through. It seemed so exhausting and difficult tonight. I guess it is because the last few weeks I've not been getting as much activity in as I had gotten used to. It seems that is something for me to work on. I had hoped to get in an hour of DDR, but that was apparently not destined to be tonight. My legs are achy, and I am so tired. It was a good day however, most especially for a Friday. It felt strange to be back at the store after being gone since Monday, and I loved working a shift with D again. We were enjoying the pre-opening chaos that is Friday, rocking out to music, and he stopped to tell me that he was very happy and that he really must have missed me, which I thought was just about the sweetest thing ever. I'm going to miss our morning shifts together most dreadfully, even the terrible Tuesdays and friggin Fridays. We kicked ass today and put up incredible numbers. I think I've definitely benefited from being able to spend this time with him this last month. My schedule is shifting more to afternoons/early evenings next week, and I hate how I'll be in the middle of the day. It makes it all but impossible to get anything done before or after. At least with all closing shifts, I don't have to leave till afternoon, and I have all morning to get activity in. With these shifts next week, I'll have to try to squeeze some in before, and some after. I guess I'll just have to make it work somehow, there is definitely nothing I can do about it. The humanity!

Earned 12 APs today: 90 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Catch-up

First, let the record show that I am looking god-damned FINE right now.

Recap: Sunday morning F called re: tentative plans we had made last week about possibly seeing a movie on Tuesday night. Since I am creeping up on my 50 lb milestone, I have been thinking about what I might do to celebrate (after a conversation with M). I had mentioned to F and D that we must do something fun, and suggested maybe a movie. We decided that Beowulf would be a good movie to see, and had thought we would go Tuesday night on cheap night. I knew I would probably not be at my 50 lb yet, but would be close enough seeing that it can be hard to get everyone free one night, and this Tuesday night F would not have class for some reason, so the timing was good. But on Sunday, F calls and tells me that she had been reading up on Beowulf and found out that it had been made for digital 3D and that we really should be watching the movie as it had been intended, and that we should go see the movie in an IMAX theater. Since that would involve going to the US, I was hesitant at first, and initially said no. However, after considering that the cost would still just me 12 bucks, and that this really would be a unique experience, as I have never been in IMAX or seen 3D, that I really should do it. Since L wanted to pick up Rock Band for XBox 360 that was going to be released at 12:01am Monday night/Tuesday morning, she said they were going to see the movie Monday evening, then hit the particular Best Buy that was having the midnight launch and pick up the game, as it is not releasing this side of the border until next month. So they picked me up and we had an enjoyable (albiet nerve-wracking!...N is definitely a T.O. driver!!!) drive to Sterling Heights. We got a little lost, as we didn't know the exact whereabouts of the theater, but eventually we got to the right place. We got there just as it was starting, but strangely the previews were showing upside down. Then they stopped. Then the lights came back up. Then an employee came in and told us they were having a problem with the projector, and to please be patient. Then they got it working and the movie started. Then my jaw hit the floor. I do not have the words to describe how incredible this experience was. I had never seen 3D, but apparently this digital 3D blows old 3D out of the water, according to L and N who had seen it before. The animation was awesome on its own, but paired with the 3D, it was absolutely stunning. I was constantly flinching and trying to dodge things that seemed like they were going to hit me. With the depth, you truly feel like you are a part of the movie. I have never imagined anything like this movie experience, you are just constantly amazed by it. The unfortunate thing is that they weren't able to fix the projector, and about 15-20 min before the end of the movie, the projector blew again, and they came in to tell us that they wouldn't be able to get the thing going again. The apologised a million times, and said they were giving everyone free passes. The four of us just sat there as everyone else left the theater. I think we were rather in denial. Finally we got up and went down to talk to the manager, and asked if we could have our money back instead, because we were from out-of-country, and were not planning to make the drive back anytime soon. The manager gave us our money back, and gave us the free passes anyway, and told us there is an AMC in Canada now, and that if we ever get up to Toronto, that we could use the pass then. We probably should have been furious at having gone all that way and get jipped for the ending, but the thing is, the movie experience was that incredible, that we were too exhilerated to be angry. Yes, there was disappointment for not knowing the ending, but we were thrilled with the experience and couldn't stop raving about it the whole way to the Best Buy. I would tell everyone and anyone that if they had a chance to see Beowulf in digital 3D, that they do it, even if they have to drive a distance, or not see the end of the movie...you would not regret it! After the movie we went so the boys could wait in line for Rock Band, and F and I spent some quality time chatting in the car out of the wind and cold, tho I did spend some time in the lineup, and comandeered N's IPod and perused his playlist of 10 billion songs and got to hear a fellow that sings like a toilet. F was in a good mood and I was hyper and the boys were cheerful and the whole night was such fun and I had a wonderful time. My 50 lb celebration extremely memorable and exciting, I am so happy with the night!

All right, the recap will have to end there, as I have to eat and get to bed. As it was I only got to write this because I had to wait to pick F up at school, and had a spare half hour to journal most of the draft earlier this afternoon. We visited an ill coworker tonight, and I'm running late. This whole week has been a bust, I've gotten no exercise in! Looks like the next three days will be jam packed with as much as I can fit in.

Unscheduled

I had an argument with my friend and I'm almost too depressed to breathe right now. Definitely too depressed too eat...I can't decide if that's pathetic or not. Either way I couldn't care less at the moment. Life definitely sucks.

The best laid schemes of mice and men

I had allotted an hour of my time today after supper to spend time journalling, as I have a bunch of things I want to say, but alas and alack! life went and happened again, and here I am needing to sleep and no time to journal. I ended up hearing from a dear friend, and my best laid scheme was tossed out the window in favour of spending some quality time, and no regrets for a lovely evening of catching up. It was a good day, and I will have to talk about it tomorrow if I can.

Earned 2 APs today: 20 min brisk walking

A time to celebrate, a time to sleep

So today was the day I did something fun to celebrate losing 50 pounds....only I haven't lost it yet. Definitely a story there, and definitely going to have to wait till tomorrow. It is much later than I am used to being up these days, and the huge yawns cracking my face every 49 seconds are making it very difficult to type. I will make an account of myself tomorrow. Right now delle go sleepy bye...

Football Sunday

And a surprising Sunday it was; I don't think I've ever watched an exciting Redskins game before. I guess there really is a first for everything.

I am still obscenely proud of doing those stairs last night. I'm even more pleased today upon realising there were little after effects; I was able to walk and sit just fine today overall, no pain! I did DDR this morning, and that was a little hard. I couldn't make my legs move fast enough to tackle the hard songs, but that is no different than trying to play after a day of work. Then I went for a river walk, and when I got back from that, I was feeling an ache in my leg muscles, but still no pain. Looks like I'll be including stairs as a regular part of my exercise regime from now on.

There were some things I was going to mention, but my brain just went blank. That seems to happen around this time every evening now. Guess I'll have to save it for next time. Might not be tomorrow, if I go Stateside with F, won't get home till after midnight.

Earned 18 APs today: 10 min low-intensity DDR, 60 min mod-intensity DDR, 90 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Weekly summary:
Earned 53 APs
10.5 hours (630 min) total activity
15 miles (24.1 kms) walked
9 FPs remaining
0.6 lbs lost

Praise Jesus!

Miracles do happen! No gain for my WI this week, that is always so motivating when I am expecting one! Two pounds to go till I reach my 50...maybe next week!

Right now I am disgustingly proud of myself. I did something that I have been contemplating for months, but have never been brave enough to try until tonight. I tackled the stairs in my building and attempted high-intensity exercise for the first time!!!!! With dark coming so early, and me getting home so late from work these days, I'm not having a chance to get my river walks in. I had intended to go today, since I didn't have to work, but it was raining and with the temp dropping my ice phobia starts to kick in. I've known once winter sets in I'll need some other way of getting my activity in, and the more weight I work off, the more I'll need to step up the intensity if I don't want to spend every free moment I have exercising. The stairs in my building have always been there, and I've always thought about them, but to be honest I was scared of them too. When I decided earlier today to give them a try, I was in a state of low level apprehension all afternoon. I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle it, that after a couple of minutes I would poop out. As long as I didn't try, it was always there as my backup, but if I tried and couldn't do it, then it would no longer be an option, and I'd be in a bad space come winter. Not to mention how down I'd feel for not being able to do it. Stairs are somewhat of an issue with me, I hate being in public and huffing after a few flights when no one else is, especially when taking them with a friend who is fresh and fine and I end up feeling so self-conscious. Well, I just showed myself that I can kick those stairs' ARSE and then some! 20 MINUTES BABY.....OH YEAH!!! Yes, after a while I was huffing and puffing, and yes, I sweated like a pig, but I still did it! Silly me forgot to keep track of how many times I went up and down, but according to how long it was taking me each time, I think it was 8 times up 7 flights of stairs and down again. I am so thrilled!!! Once a couple years ago I had to take the stairs here, and I thought I was going to pass out....that was one time going up! My legs were shaking and I was panting for air, I think it was 15 min before I got back to normal physically. It's not just working off pounds, I am getting in shape in other ways too! I'm gaining muscle, and I am getting more fit aerobically, or however you would say it. I don't care how you say it, all that matters is that it is working, and I am doing things I never thought I could! Now, to make supper...as soon as I get the bones back in my legs...LOL!

Earned 11 APs today: 20 min low-intensity DDR, 60 min mod-intensity DDR, 20 min stairs

Another week ending..

..and another Friday with me falling asleep at 8:30pm. Maybe I'll manage to stay up late tonight and not sleep till 9:30. I don't know if I could handle that much excitement tho. Today was much better than yesterday; for a Friday, work was fricking awesome. It was so busy and chaotic at times, but I just went with it, and was in a good mood all day. S had his music on by our dept and that makes the pre-opening hours extremely enjoyable. The customer I have a huge crush on also stopped by today, and we had a nice chat. I rarely get to see him so that was very exciting. I need to stop falling in love with the customers. D and I played hockey after our shift, and I actually got a bunch of goals on him! We took the long way home to enjoy the drive, then went shopping for groceries. Once upon a time I would have been self conscious to do that, but now I'm proud of my food choices and have no reason to be embarrassed or to avoid the whole thing. I was tempted by junk food, but the only thing I got were the baked Doritos, as Doritos have always been my fav chips. Chocolate was calling to me tho, and I've also been craving hamburgers and fries and such at times. It's so hard at work because everyone always gets McDonald's from next door, and it smells so good I always end up wanting some too. I don't understand how they can eat it day after day after day, I don't understand how they're not all huge. Myself, I think I'll always have to be careful, and as it is, I'm expecting a gain at WI tomorrow. Whenever I've weighed myself this week I've been way up. I'm not worried, as TOM was here, and it is to be expected sometimes. A STS would be wonderful however, maybe I'll get another one of those miracles!

Ravages of spirit

I have little to say tonight. I've withdrawn inside myself to a degree, tho not so bad as usual. It was somewhat of an emotional day for me, ups and downs. There was happiness and sadness, and fun and now meloncholy. At once I am both wanting not to eat, and to eat endlessly. I compromised somewhere in the middle, had some comfort food, but only a little, and it was still pretty healthy. I just didn't stress about meeting the guidelines. I'm going to go to bed shortly. No exercise for me today either, chose to be with my friends instead. I don't know why I am like this; TOM is gone and the hormones should be calmed down for a few weeks. Oh well, tomorrow is another day, isn't it?

There once was a man named Michael Finnigan..

..and he grew whiskers on his chinnigan!

Sometimes post titles just insist on writing themselves. I had not planned to post till after I had my supper, which will be a late one on account of I had a late dinner and wasn't hungry yet when I got back from my walk, so I decided to do my free weights first (I've increased my reps tonight!). I should still be making my supper right now tho as it is getting late, but I noticed a friend is online and messaged, but he hasn't messaged me back yet, so I know he's away from his comp. Figured I might as well post while I'm here.

Today was a good day for me. I slept well (was having some steamy dreams to boot), and enjoyed my morning listening to music and ripped some of my cds so I can expand on my exercise music for walking. I saw SBG and we had a lovely time, I actually fulfilled my promise to him that I made way back last spring. I can't believe where the time has gone. We've not seen much of each other lately, what with him being ill, and I actually had forgotten about it, but we're all square now, and I actually had a good time, so there you go. I played DDR, and this time I took out the jumps for all songs, as I noticed the last time I played that the jumps severely aggravated that bad muscle in my back. I think there has been some little improvement, but it is still not good. It still bothers me that there is numbness there. I wish it would just sort itself out already!

TOM seems to have left abruptly this month, I don't know if he wasn't enjoying my company, or if maybe he is planning a more lengthly visit next time. Either way I will take it, less expense, less mess, less hassle and less discomfort! And most importantly, less moodiness!!! I was so happy today while I was walking, for absolutely no reason at all. I was so happy to have my Happy Music on, and to be exercising and feeling good. If it is possible to dance whilst walking at a brisk pace, I managed to do it today. I think I just felt extra good with the retreat of the hormones that has made me so down there for a few days, because before my period I was very happy with things and nothing happened that would bring me down otherwise. I wonder if life will always be this way for me, overall, from now on. It will be interesting to see whether this is the last big piece of the puzzle I've been fitting together for years now.

Earned 17 APs today: 60 min DDR, 85 min brisk walking, 65 min free weights

Terrible Tuesday..

..was not quite so terrible as usual..lol. Last Tuesday was a good day too, so I guess it is not unheard of. Busy busy busy at work, but we were in decent shape when the store opened, and despite having to cope with Wiis, the day went well enough. The angry customers did seem to come out in droves today tho, but I didn't let their rudeness ruin my good mood. I hate knowing that we'll only see more of them the closer we get to Christmas. How awful it is that instead of being happy to get ready for this holiday everyone supposedly loves so much, so many people turn into stressed, impatient jerks. Well, they can have their holiday of stress and aggravation, I certainly don't miss it.

I'm trying something new this week; eating more points at breakfast and dinner time, and less at supper. I'd been finding the past few weeks that on days I work, I'm getting really hungry about mid-morning, and wanting to break for dinner at 10am. I wouldn't, tho, because I want to have the staying power in the afternoon to carry me to suppertime, but it was getting annoying to have my tummy so rumbly at 10 in the morning. I decided that cereal alone wasn't going to cut it, and the past two mornings I've also had two eggs in addition to my beloved All Bran. I think it might do the trick, I don't remember being hungry until dinnertime, so maybe the protein is just what I needed. I've also started eating a few more points for dinner, and less at supper. I think I got into a supper routine, and have been eating the same meal out of habit, and ignoring the fact that I am often uncomfortably full after all that food. Of course, my problem has always been craving that feeling of being physically full, so I've been okay with doing that. But if I'm going to eat more for my other two meals, then the points must need come from someplace, and I will not dip more into my FPs than I have been. It's a weird feeling not being full after supper, but if I monitor how I feel, I'm also not hungry. I'm hoping this will go well for me, I think it's important to get used to eating smaller meals as I keep losing DPs. Food is a fuel, not a recreation or a comfort; I need to manage it in a way that gets me through the day in an energetic manner, not in a way that satisfies my preferences of when I would like to eat or how full I would like to be at certain times. If I need more incentive I just need to remember my conversation with G at work today, and how he responded to my comment about how I don't eat sweet stuff anymore, that he could see I've lost a lot of weight and that whatever I'm doing, it's definitely working. I was so thrilled to have someone else mention it, and when I told him I'd believed no one at work had noticed, he said, "Ohh, no!" so I guess maybe they have started to notice, but aren't mentioning it to me. I think G was comfortable because he has also been losing weight. He's looking really good. I thought it was wonderful of him to say that to me, and I told him he made my day. It was a much better experience finding out they're talking about me in relation to me getting thinner than finding out they're bitching me out behind my back. I couldn't stop smiling. I don't need anyone's approval, but I am proud of what I am doing, and I like that people around me are able to see the results of my effort now. I've spent the vast majority of my life feeling ashamed of myself for how I look and how I lived, and feeling like people talked about me negatively for these things. I love having feeling that what I am doing is worthy, and that no one would be justified in being negative about my lifestyle. I love feeling proud and comfortable with what I'm doing and not having to fear recrimination. It's so liberating!!

Earned 7 APs today: 85 min brisk walking

Monday, Monday

I had been having some very nice dreams when I had to wake up for work this morning. In particular, I was wearing a very beautiful dress, fancy hair, hot date...and I was SKINNY! At first I wasn't, but I made it happen. Just as I'm making it happen now. I can't wait to find out how I will look as a thin person, it is like the anticipation of all the Christmases I ever experienced as a child all combined into one big squeearific blissfest of excitement. I was on the WW boards for a bit when I was coming down after work, and was in the process of posting congratulations to a woman who had reached her 50lb milestone, when suddenly it hit me like a tonn of bricks when I was thinking how I will be there soon too; when I reach 50, I will be almost halfway to my goal!!! It suddenly blew my mind, thinking how I am almost halfway there, I can't hardly comprehend it! Theoretically, in the same amount of time that has passed since I started (give a little) I could be at goal!!!!!!!! Of course, I know that is too optomistic, and I am not expecting that or even aiming for it really, because I believe it is too unrealistic to expect the same rate of weight loss in the second half of the process as I experienced in the first, but it just put it in perspective for me. It feels like hardly any time at all since I started. Knowing how quickly it has passed, and yet here I am on the verge of being halfway, tells me that as hard as it is to have to wait and be patient, the end is going to come much sooner than I would think it would. When I started, the end eemed forever away, but 4 1/2 months have gone in a blink. Even if it takes twice that more to get to where I want to be, what's two blinks? It is not so far away. It is not in the far away distance. It is getting closer with every single day I work it. It is coming soon, I could even count it in months. I don't know how many, of course, but I honestly believe I will reach goal less than a year from now, so that means months, not years. And the months have been passing so quickly. I have been so focussed and dedicated to reaching my goal. It is paying off, and all I have to do is keep doing what I am doing. It is going to happen, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. Oh, the thought of not having to wait till I am asleep and dreaming to have the experience I had this morning...only to have to look in the mirror to see that beautiful skinny girl I dream about being!

Football Sunday

Another Sunday is almost over; Cowboys beat the Giants, GB is still on top, Lions lost on the road again, and my babies managed to pull off a win. No Sunday night game for me tho, I have to be up early for work, and I'll be in bed soon. It looks like I'll have a lot of FPs left over this week, I'm not exactly sure how that happened. I know I had used more than I usually do early in the week, but after that, who knows. Maybe I should have a closer look at my tracker tomorrow when I am more capable of thinking coherently. TOM showed up this morning, and I'm very glad, because my mood was ever so much better today. I was still in bed and I was already smiling, which is a good sign. Hormones really are the bane of my existence. Okay, I'm suddenly dead in my brain, so I will take the blank as a sign to sign off. Oh, I had a great loss this week, I had intended to mention that, at least.

Earned 19 APs today: 60 min DDR, 115 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Weekly summary:
Earned 50 APs
9.9 hours (595 min) total activity
16 miles (25.8 kms) walked
17.5 FPs remaining
3.8 lbs lost

What's my line?

No post for me last night. Yesterday was an incredibly sucky day, for no reason other than my hormones are having their way with me again. I started out good, but by the time the store opened, I was a wreck, and I had the GM on my case all day because he noticed I was upset and wanted to help, but I wasn't articulating what was wrong because A. I wasn't sure exactly what was, at the time, and B. I didn't feel comfortable telling him anyway. It was extremely sweet of him to be so concerned tho; he even gave me a hug, which I didn't return, I was so out of it. I feel rather terrible about it all today. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. This whole social anxiety thing I have really fucks up my life sometimes, I hate it so much. I hate feeling so awkward and out of place and nervous. I had fun at break and after shift playing table hockey with D, but I was still so upset most of the day and so moody. I did not exercise. I did not eat a proper supper. I did not read. I did not listen to HP. I did not watch Buffy. I did not post. Thankfully, I also did not go out and get drunk like I wanted to do so badly. Also, I did not eat outside my points, even tho I really wanted to binge on comfort foods. I did have some, but I still stayed within my points, so I'm not kicking myself or anything. These days happen, usually right before my period. They simply have to be endured, I know I do really well almost every other day of the month. I just went to bed at 8:30pm and didn't worry about forcing myself to do anything I didn't feel up to, which was basically everything. I woke up around 1:30am and stayed awake till about 5am, wanting to enjoy the night a bit. I knew otherwise, I would probably wake up around 4am and be up for the day, and I wasn't in the mood for that. I listened to music and felt a little better, but still off today. I didn't have lunch, and I didn't exercise much. I did however go for a river walk. My period should start tomorrow, or maybe the day after I would think, and things will be normal again. Oh, something exciting happened today; FINALLY someone asked me whether I have lost weight! From reading experiences on the WW boards, I knew I would have to lose 40-50 lbs before people started to comment, and I'm right on schedule. My neighbour asked me about it and told me lots of people in da hood have been wondering about it. Instead of being bothered that they're talking about me, I was rather pleased actually. I love that it is something positive to be noticed for, and that people are finally noticing! Three cheers for getting to a point where people can notice me getting smaller!!

Earned 7 APs today: 85 min brisk walking

Calm before the storm

Every minute that passes by seems to be draining away the last of my energy. Today was a bit of an odd day, for no reason in particular. It was really slow at work, and I think that always throws me. There's also something really odd about these overcast days; I've really gotten used to the store full off sunlight constantly. Even with it being slow, I ended up being at work an extra half hour (without pay
:((!!!!) because D thought we were done at 4:00, and I was stuck in the department without knowing where he was and not able to just walk away cause there was no one there to relieve me and we had a new baby to train. I am putting my foot down from now on and not working past my shift. If they won't compensate me then they are getting no extra work from me, it just isn't fair. What I hate is that by the time I got dropped off, there wasn't enough time left to get a walk in, so no APs for me today. I find DDR too hard to do after working a shift, it's too hard on my joints and back. and I can't seem to get my feet to move fast enough if I play at moderate intensity after working all day. I guess I need to get in better shape before I can do that. Tomorrow morning is going to be insanely busy and stressful at work, plus I will be starting at 6am, so I also want to be as rested as I can be. I've been dreading tomorrow for days now. I wish it were over with...I can't wait till tomorrow afternoon when I'm done. Hopefully the weather will cooperate, and I'll be able to get a walk in afterward to get the tension out!

All's quiet

All right, I was just thinking that it was a pretty normal Wednesday, and I realised I forgot to do laundry. How wonderful.

I guess there was something else that made this Wednesday a special one...namely it is that time of the month again (no, not THAT time)...Progress Pics time!!! This was the first time it seemed apparent while scrolling through the pics I've taken over the months that today's were the current ones...lol. I've actually had trouble without looking at the dates on them. It's been really hard to see any difference, except for the back on pics, it has been possible to see a difference there. But finally I'm able to see a little difference on the side and face front pics too! Very, very satisfying!

But, speaking of that OTHER time of the month, TOM will probably be around to visit soon. I've been feeling pre-cramps off and on the past few days, and this evening out of no where whilst making supper, I had a little tear-fest, feeling all lonely and homesick. Gotta love the hormones. The time is going so quickly, it seems like I'm just getting over TOM and he's back again making a nusiance of himself. I went to bed early last night, and slept a lot, so maybe that's on TOM as well. Work in the morning, and Friday will be busier than all unholy hell, so I will be extremely glad to see the weekend. I wanted salsa and chips this afternoon, but I resisted, and I'm glad I did; didn't have enough DPs or APs to cover it. Would have dipped into the FP, but decided it was a want instead of a need, and didn't. I have my lunch made for tomorrow.....oh hell damn and CRAP I just realised I forgot to buy carrots today too! What the hell is wrong with me today...is forgetfulness all on TOM too??? *stabs him in the eye*

Earned 17 APs today: 60 min DDR, 85 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Oh, my exciting life!

Nothing out of the ordinary to talk about tonight. Woke up around 5am, got ready for work, worked, came home, went out to buy apples, came home, made supper, now chillaxin'. Was later getting home from work than I had anticipated, and the sky was full of these uber dark clouds, and I was afraid it would storm, so I didn't go for a river walk. I will wait until tomorrow to do free weights, because that's been what I've been doing the last few weeks, and because my back is still really painful. I'm wondering if the only way to fix it is to cut out the exercise for a while. I'm really getting tired of it hurting all the time. Work was really good, especially for a Tuesday. We got everything ready for opening, and I managed to have fun overall. Also got some commissions, which are BADLY needed and VERY welcome. Mum is home from her trip and we had a short chat. We'll catch up on the weekend when we both not so wiped. It seems earlier than it should be...probably because 60-80 min of my time this evening wasn't taken up with exercise. I wish it was stormy and I could hear wind and sleet. It would be so lovely to lay in bed and listen to a proper storm. Especially when I don't have to go out in it!

Earned 2 APs today: 20 min brisk walking

Feelin' groovy...and tired

It was a good day, I only wish that D worked with me, I know we would have had a ball together. I woke up feeling extremely rested, and rather happy for no reason at all. I think just feeling rested and energetic can do that for you. I resolved to have a good day at work, and so I did. I was recognised in the morning staff meeting, which was really nice. The management seems to be making an extra effort to make me feel appreciated, and it does wonders for one's morale. My shift ended at 4:00, but by the time I get the bus home, it is too late now to go for a walk; it gets dark so early now that daylight would be gone before I got halfway. It was also quite fousy outside, what with the rainyness and the wind. I might have to walk in the dark anyway, I'm not sure how I'll handle it...most days I finish early enough it should be okay, so we'll see. I wish I could keep these morning shifts, but I think I'm going to be scheduled later in the day tho. Nothing for it but to wait and see. I was terribly excited today because I finally fit into an XL work shirt, and I was so proud to show up in regulation for the first time. Only then I find out our Christmas shirts arrived today, so that was short lived, but maybe I'll be wearing an XL Christmas shirt too! It is so terribly exciting..I don't recall the last time I was wearing an XL anything. Definitely a huge NSV...here's to getting into a L someday! Yay for me! :D

Earned 5 APs today: 60 min DDR

Football Sunday

And here we are, the game everyone's been waiting for, Pats at the Colts, it's the end of the 3rd, and it is as competitive as I had hoped it would be. I don't know if it was possible for it to be anything else, when you get down to it; two awesome, undefeated teams. I live for this shit! Now, my babies are the Sunday night game tonight, and I've not spared them a second thought, god help me. I might watch some of the game, but I might not. They're doing so dreadfully, that I'm not excited at the thought of watching them. If I didn't have to get up early, it would be a no-brainer, but since I do, I'm not motivated to go without the sleep to watch it and be tired tomorrow. I would tape it to watch tomorrow, but I know J will bring the game up as soon as we start our shift in the morning, since my babies are playing his babies.

All right, I very stupidly downloaded the new version of internet explorer, and it sucks the big one. It is annoying the hell right out of me *kicks it all around the room*

I actually lay awake for a time last night, after having been asleep. Woke up to pee and ended up staying awake thinking about things I had no business thinking about in the middle of the night. I had another short bout of wakefullness before I woke up for the day. I have gotten used to sleeping without trouble, this reminds me that for years I've had terrible issues with sleeping. Things have been so good in that area for such a long time now, that it is really odd to be awake in the middle of the night when I had been sleeping. I hope it doesn't become a problem, but I doubt it will; I've been so tired at night lately, that it's all I can do to journal before bed, I'm so brain-dead. That's the reason I'm going to try from now on to journal and email M earlier in the evening and not waiting till bedtime, as I have been. I'm just not able to do it. I thought the fatigue was a phase, but it seems like it is going to be the norm as I approach bedtime. Bugger me, it's only 6:45pm and I'm already longing for my bed! I guess it is working the extra hours these past few weeks, added on to all the exercise I've been putting in. I don't mind it tho, just means I need to manage my time better.

This is the end of my first week on 35 daily points (my DPs equal my FPs...hee!). Thankfully the reduction in points is this gradual, even so, one does notice the loss of even 1 point! I had a great loss this week; I was motivated to lose as much as I could in order to make my second PC Challenge goal, and I worked hard. I walked a lot, and I avoided flex before the weekend. I also put effort into eating supper sooner before bedtime..that is definitely something I've had problems with.

The PC challenge I was a part of on the WW boards for the past 3 months has ended tonight. It has made such a difference in my weight loss journey; the whole reason I started my exercise regime when and how I did was because I was motivated to get as many points as I could for the challenge. I've been disciplined since the start, but the challenge has been what motivated me to exercise, and to meet the 8 guidelines, which I had never done before the challenge. I definitely believe I am healthier because of this challenge. I'm also very proud of what I've accomplished. I will miss the PC Challenge 3.0, and being a member of Team Atlantic Shrinking Shores (Team A.S.S.)!!!

Earned 12 APs today: 90 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Weekly summary:
Earned 59 APs
12.3 hours (735 min) total activity
30.5 miles (49.1 kms) walked
10 FPs remaining
3.4 lbs lost

A very Buffy evening

Another night where I'm exhausted, I'm not sure why. I'm wondering if I've picked up D's cold, he was really dragged out with it for a while, and had no energy. We spend a lot of time together, and I've been sniffly and a little bit headachy off and on in addition to the exhaustion. I can't tell for certain tho, because I don't feel "sick". I've wondered if my immune system has gotten better since I started the WW, it stands to reason I would get healthier as I eat better and exercise. It would be wonderful if I got sick less often, or was less sick when I did pick up a bug. I don't like being so tired at night, albeit it is nice to be able to lay down and go immediately to sleep. The staff meeting was fine this morning, a little long, a little boring, but the usual thing. I got a shout out, which was flattering. It's nice to be noticed by management, and recognised in front of the whole store. I came home and started a Buffy marathon, with one break for a river walk. Got invited out tonight but turned it down on account of not having funds, and not wanting to throw my routine off. As it is I'm already up later than I would like, but if I went out, I would not get home till we closed down the pub, which would be a lot worse, so it's all good.

Earned 7 APs today: 90 min brisk walking

Friday night

It's been a long day and I am utterly exhausted. The day was decent; got off to a poor start, was incredibly busy doing frustrating work (lord how I hate price changes), but it got better when I got some energy and motivation from a few good sales. D was more than happy to stop to Price Choppers on the way home so I could pick up lettuce and other produce I wanted; the store I walk to has become absolutely appalling in its failure to provide anything lately, and I was getting desperate. I never thought I would ever be so upset not to have romaine for salads, or peppers. Anyhoo, bed for me, I was literally falling asleep while doing my free weights just now, thought I might fall over. Staff meeting in the morning, but at least I'll be able to come home after a few hours. My bed looks so good to me right now I could hump it.

Earned 12 APs today: 85 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Thursday

It's bed for me in a minute, so this will be brief. Have to be up at 4:30, and it's already too late for me to get my 8 hours of sleep in. I want to be as close to it as I can, Fridays are always hectic and exhausting. I had fun at work today overall, although I spiced my dinner too heavily without realizing, and wasn't able to eat it without a lot of sniffling and crying. The funny part was that there were two Indian coworkers in the lunchroom with me, and they thought it was quite amusing, justifiably so. I still wasn't able to finish it, but I ate as much as I could because I had only brought carrots and an apple besides that with me to work, and didn't want to go hungry. Definitely learned my lesson: there are worse things than having it too bland!

Earned 7 APs today: 85 min brisk walking