So.

I hit my 75 lb milestone today with my WI. When you get stars, even 5 lb stars, the weight tracker usually lays off the chastisement and instead gives some measure of praise, and there will be a little encouraging and inspiring quote. I figured I was entitled after earning my 75 lb star. Instead I got some grudging praise and more of the chastisement.

Isn't it wonderful that not only do I get access to the plan, but my money also buys me such incredible support! How can I not succeed with WW cheering me on so enthusiastically?

I know I will be happy about this at some point, but right now it is lost in all of the personal stuff I have going on right now. I'm off plan for the first time since I started. That's really hard for me to say, but I realised it this morning and I really think I should say it 'out loud'. I've not been OP in a week. I've not been binging, not by a long shot. I've been skipping meals and I'm not meeting the guidelines. There have been days I've not eaten all my DPs, and there have been 3 days in the last week that I have only eaten once for the day. I've not exercised, but I don't consider that part of not being OP this week because I've been so ill with the chest cold, but if I wasn't ill I know I would have struggled with it this week anyway. When I'm going through hard times emotionally I struggle so hard with my tendency to start fasting. I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday and I do not want to eat. My body is telling me it needs food and I don't care. I don't want to feed it. It has nothing to do with any thoughts about not wanting food, it is just a complete and utter and total lack of motivation to put food in my mouth. I have no desire to eat. I have no morale to do anything. And no I am not depressed, a relationship with someone very dear to me has ended and I'm consumed by grief. It hurts and it's going to hurt for a long time but it will get better. This is the first time since I started WW that I've had some sort of severe emotional trauma, and I always wondered how I would weather it. I was always afraid I would eat and eat and eat. But it's been the opposite, which is better in the sense that I probably won't gain from it, but it is terrible because it is just as unhealthy and it will damage me if I let it continue. I've worked so hard to be healthy, I have the power now to control how I handle my grieving and my sorrow. I don't think I can be perfectly on plan, but I am going to eat. I can't make myself WANT to eat, but I can make myself eat, regardless of not wanting to. It's astonishing to me sometimes how very hard it can be to make myself eat. I don't think a lot of people understand that for people like me this is a very real struggle, just as hard as it is for others to try and control their overeating. I don't want to be weak, and I don't want to lose the muscle I've gained.

One day at a time.