What's my line?

No post for me last night. Yesterday was an incredibly sucky day, for no reason other than my hormones are having their way with me again. I started out good, but by the time the store opened, I was a wreck, and I had the GM on my case all day because he noticed I was upset and wanted to help, but I wasn't articulating what was wrong because A. I wasn't sure exactly what was, at the time, and B. I didn't feel comfortable telling him anyway. It was extremely sweet of him to be so concerned tho; he even gave me a hug, which I didn't return, I was so out of it. I feel rather terrible about it all today. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. This whole social anxiety thing I have really fucks up my life sometimes, I hate it so much. I hate feeling so awkward and out of place and nervous. I had fun at break and after shift playing table hockey with D, but I was still so upset most of the day and so moody. I did not exercise. I did not eat a proper supper. I did not read. I did not listen to HP. I did not watch Buffy. I did not post. Thankfully, I also did not go out and get drunk like I wanted to do so badly. Also, I did not eat outside my points, even tho I really wanted to binge on comfort foods. I did have some, but I still stayed within my points, so I'm not kicking myself or anything. These days happen, usually right before my period. They simply have to be endured, I know I do really well almost every other day of the month. I just went to bed at 8:30pm and didn't worry about forcing myself to do anything I didn't feel up to, which was basically everything. I woke up around 1:30am and stayed awake till about 5am, wanting to enjoy the night a bit. I knew otherwise, I would probably wake up around 4am and be up for the day, and I wasn't in the mood for that. I listened to music and felt a little better, but still off today. I didn't have lunch, and I didn't exercise much. I did however go for a river walk. My period should start tomorrow, or maybe the day after I would think, and things will be normal again. Oh, something exciting happened today; FINALLY someone asked me whether I have lost weight! From reading experiences on the WW boards, I knew I would have to lose 40-50 lbs before people started to comment, and I'm right on schedule. My neighbour asked me about it and told me lots of people in da hood have been wondering about it. Instead of being bothered that they're talking about me, I was rather pleased actually. I love that it is something positive to be noticed for, and that people are finally noticing! Three cheers for getting to a point where people can notice me getting smaller!!

Earned 7 APs today: 85 min brisk walking

Calm before the storm

Every minute that passes by seems to be draining away the last of my energy. Today was a bit of an odd day, for no reason in particular. It was really slow at work, and I think that always throws me. There's also something really odd about these overcast days; I've really gotten used to the store full off sunlight constantly. Even with it being slow, I ended up being at work an extra half hour (without pay
:((!!!!) because D thought we were done at 4:00, and I was stuck in the department without knowing where he was and not able to just walk away cause there was no one there to relieve me and we had a new baby to train. I am putting my foot down from now on and not working past my shift. If they won't compensate me then they are getting no extra work from me, it just isn't fair. What I hate is that by the time I got dropped off, there wasn't enough time left to get a walk in, so no APs for me today. I find DDR too hard to do after working a shift, it's too hard on my joints and back. and I can't seem to get my feet to move fast enough if I play at moderate intensity after working all day. I guess I need to get in better shape before I can do that. Tomorrow morning is going to be insanely busy and stressful at work, plus I will be starting at 6am, so I also want to be as rested as I can be. I've been dreading tomorrow for days now. I wish it were over with...I can't wait till tomorrow afternoon when I'm done. Hopefully the weather will cooperate, and I'll be able to get a walk in afterward to get the tension out!

All's quiet

All right, I was just thinking that it was a pretty normal Wednesday, and I realised I forgot to do laundry. How wonderful.

I guess there was something else that made this Wednesday a special one...namely it is that time of the month again (no, not THAT time)...Progress Pics time!!! This was the first time it seemed apparent while scrolling through the pics I've taken over the months that today's were the current ones...lol. I've actually had trouble without looking at the dates on them. It's been really hard to see any difference, except for the back on pics, it has been possible to see a difference there. But finally I'm able to see a little difference on the side and face front pics too! Very, very satisfying!

But, speaking of that OTHER time of the month, TOM will probably be around to visit soon. I've been feeling pre-cramps off and on the past few days, and this evening out of no where whilst making supper, I had a little tear-fest, feeling all lonely and homesick. Gotta love the hormones. The time is going so quickly, it seems like I'm just getting over TOM and he's back again making a nusiance of himself. I went to bed early last night, and slept a lot, so maybe that's on TOM as well. Work in the morning, and Friday will be busier than all unholy hell, so I will be extremely glad to see the weekend. I wanted salsa and chips this afternoon, but I resisted, and I'm glad I did; didn't have enough DPs or APs to cover it. Would have dipped into the FP, but decided it was a want instead of a need, and didn't. I have my lunch made for tomorrow.....oh hell damn and CRAP I just realised I forgot to buy carrots today too! What the hell is wrong with me today...is forgetfulness all on TOM too??? *stabs him in the eye*

Earned 17 APs today: 60 min DDR, 85 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Oh, my exciting life!

Nothing out of the ordinary to talk about tonight. Woke up around 5am, got ready for work, worked, came home, went out to buy apples, came home, made supper, now chillaxin'. Was later getting home from work than I had anticipated, and the sky was full of these uber dark clouds, and I was afraid it would storm, so I didn't go for a river walk. I will wait until tomorrow to do free weights, because that's been what I've been doing the last few weeks, and because my back is still really painful. I'm wondering if the only way to fix it is to cut out the exercise for a while. I'm really getting tired of it hurting all the time. Work was really good, especially for a Tuesday. We got everything ready for opening, and I managed to have fun overall. Also got some commissions, which are BADLY needed and VERY welcome. Mum is home from her trip and we had a short chat. We'll catch up on the weekend when we both not so wiped. It seems earlier than it should be...probably because 60-80 min of my time this evening wasn't taken up with exercise. I wish it was stormy and I could hear wind and sleet. It would be so lovely to lay in bed and listen to a proper storm. Especially when I don't have to go out in it!

Earned 2 APs today: 20 min brisk walking

Feelin' groovy...and tired

It was a good day, I only wish that D worked with me, I know we would have had a ball together. I woke up feeling extremely rested, and rather happy for no reason at all. I think just feeling rested and energetic can do that for you. I resolved to have a good day at work, and so I did. I was recognised in the morning staff meeting, which was really nice. The management seems to be making an extra effort to make me feel appreciated, and it does wonders for one's morale. My shift ended at 4:00, but by the time I get the bus home, it is too late now to go for a walk; it gets dark so early now that daylight would be gone before I got halfway. It was also quite fousy outside, what with the rainyness and the wind. I might have to walk in the dark anyway, I'm not sure how I'll handle it...most days I finish early enough it should be okay, so we'll see. I wish I could keep these morning shifts, but I think I'm going to be scheduled later in the day tho. Nothing for it but to wait and see. I was terribly excited today because I finally fit into an XL work shirt, and I was so proud to show up in regulation for the first time. Only then I find out our Christmas shirts arrived today, so that was short lived, but maybe I'll be wearing an XL Christmas shirt too! It is so terribly exciting..I don't recall the last time I was wearing an XL anything. Definitely a huge NSV...here's to getting into a L someday! Yay for me! :D

Earned 5 APs today: 60 min DDR

Football Sunday

And here we are, the game everyone's been waiting for, Pats at the Colts, it's the end of the 3rd, and it is as competitive as I had hoped it would be. I don't know if it was possible for it to be anything else, when you get down to it; two awesome, undefeated teams. I live for this shit! Now, my babies are the Sunday night game tonight, and I've not spared them a second thought, god help me. I might watch some of the game, but I might not. They're doing so dreadfully, that I'm not excited at the thought of watching them. If I didn't have to get up early, it would be a no-brainer, but since I do, I'm not motivated to go without the sleep to watch it and be tired tomorrow. I would tape it to watch tomorrow, but I know J will bring the game up as soon as we start our shift in the morning, since my babies are playing his babies.

All right, I very stupidly downloaded the new version of internet explorer, and it sucks the big one. It is annoying the hell right out of me *kicks it all around the room*

I actually lay awake for a time last night, after having been asleep. Woke up to pee and ended up staying awake thinking about things I had no business thinking about in the middle of the night. I had another short bout of wakefullness before I woke up for the day. I have gotten used to sleeping without trouble, this reminds me that for years I've had terrible issues with sleeping. Things have been so good in that area for such a long time now, that it is really odd to be awake in the middle of the night when I had been sleeping. I hope it doesn't become a problem, but I doubt it will; I've been so tired at night lately, that it's all I can do to journal before bed, I'm so brain-dead. That's the reason I'm going to try from now on to journal and email M earlier in the evening and not waiting till bedtime, as I have been. I'm just not able to do it. I thought the fatigue was a phase, but it seems like it is going to be the norm as I approach bedtime. Bugger me, it's only 6:45pm and I'm already longing for my bed! I guess it is working the extra hours these past few weeks, added on to all the exercise I've been putting in. I don't mind it tho, just means I need to manage my time better.

This is the end of my first week on 35 daily points (my DPs equal my FPs...hee!). Thankfully the reduction in points is this gradual, even so, one does notice the loss of even 1 point! I had a great loss this week; I was motivated to lose as much as I could in order to make my second PC Challenge goal, and I worked hard. I walked a lot, and I avoided flex before the weekend. I also put effort into eating supper sooner before bedtime..that is definitely something I've had problems with.

The PC challenge I was a part of on the WW boards for the past 3 months has ended tonight. It has made such a difference in my weight loss journey; the whole reason I started my exercise regime when and how I did was because I was motivated to get as many points as I could for the challenge. I've been disciplined since the start, but the challenge has been what motivated me to exercise, and to meet the 8 guidelines, which I had never done before the challenge. I definitely believe I am healthier because of this challenge. I'm also very proud of what I've accomplished. I will miss the PC Challenge 3.0, and being a member of Team Atlantic Shrinking Shores (Team A.S.S.)!!!

Earned 12 APs today: 90 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Weekly summary:
Earned 59 APs
12.3 hours (735 min) total activity
30.5 miles (49.1 kms) walked
10 FPs remaining
3.4 lbs lost

A very Buffy evening

Another night where I'm exhausted, I'm not sure why. I'm wondering if I've picked up D's cold, he was really dragged out with it for a while, and had no energy. We spend a lot of time together, and I've been sniffly and a little bit headachy off and on in addition to the exhaustion. I can't tell for certain tho, because I don't feel "sick". I've wondered if my immune system has gotten better since I started the WW, it stands to reason I would get healthier as I eat better and exercise. It would be wonderful if I got sick less often, or was less sick when I did pick up a bug. I don't like being so tired at night, albeit it is nice to be able to lay down and go immediately to sleep. The staff meeting was fine this morning, a little long, a little boring, but the usual thing. I got a shout out, which was flattering. It's nice to be noticed by management, and recognised in front of the whole store. I came home and started a Buffy marathon, with one break for a river walk. Got invited out tonight but turned it down on account of not having funds, and not wanting to throw my routine off. As it is I'm already up later than I would like, but if I went out, I would not get home till we closed down the pub, which would be a lot worse, so it's all good.

Earned 7 APs today: 90 min brisk walking

Friday night

It's been a long day and I am utterly exhausted. The day was decent; got off to a poor start, was incredibly busy doing frustrating work (lord how I hate price changes), but it got better when I got some energy and motivation from a few good sales. D was more than happy to stop to Price Choppers on the way home so I could pick up lettuce and other produce I wanted; the store I walk to has become absolutely appalling in its failure to provide anything lately, and I was getting desperate. I never thought I would ever be so upset not to have romaine for salads, or peppers. Anyhoo, bed for me, I was literally falling asleep while doing my free weights just now, thought I might fall over. Staff meeting in the morning, but at least I'll be able to come home after a few hours. My bed looks so good to me right now I could hump it.

Earned 12 APs today: 85 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Thursday

It's bed for me in a minute, so this will be brief. Have to be up at 4:30, and it's already too late for me to get my 8 hours of sleep in. I want to be as close to it as I can, Fridays are always hectic and exhausting. I had fun at work today overall, although I spiced my dinner too heavily without realizing, and wasn't able to eat it without a lot of sniffling and crying. The funny part was that there were two Indian coworkers in the lunchroom with me, and they thought it was quite amusing, justifiably so. I still wasn't able to finish it, but I ate as much as I could because I had only brought carrots and an apple besides that with me to work, and didn't want to go hungry. Definitely learned my lesson: there are worse things than having it too bland!

Earned 7 APs today: 85 min brisk walking

Wednesday

Turns out all the phone calls were coming from my ISP, wanting to let me know about a promotion. They started ringing me every 10 minutes like clockwork today, and I got vexed enough to turn on the ringer and pick up to find out what the heck they were being so insistent about. I had been amusing myself trying to see how long they would keep it up, but finally realised it probably wasn't a person doing the dialing anyway. When the telemarketer started talking, I didn't even let her get going, told her what I thought of them ringing every 10 minutes, and said I wasn't interested in hearing about her promotion. I wasn't rude, but I also wasn't going to listen out of politeness. Screw that, I'm not rewarding their idiocy. I got caught up in trying to figure out a program on the comp, and lost a lot of time today I had planned to be doing other things, so I never got in as much exercise as I usually do. Looks like I'll be short some this week. I had been contemplating maybe doing a bit now before bed, but I just got some worrying news from a friend, and I don't have the morale. Early rise, so bed for me.

Earned 14 APs today: 115 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Tuesday

...and very much a Tuesday. such a hectic day at work, one of two busiest days of the week. I was aggravated because we had to open without our department being ready, and I hate being unprepared for customers. There was an open house with the district manager, and I was feeling hostile and angry and not wanting to contribute, but in the end I did, because he seemed like a nice chap. I got some one on one time with he and his colleague afterward, to talk about some things I didn't want aired in front of coworkers, particularly my feedback about the store manager. They were very attentive and appreciative and informative, and it was definitely a positive experience. Too bad the day was so chaotic for me, I would have been more enthused about it. He came right out and said that when I came into the room I had seemed very ticked off. I hope I get to talk to him again, I did like him. Poor D had to wait forever so we could leave, especially since we had to sort out me getting the box set of Angel, which we released today and was on sale. D paid for it since my funds are nonexistent, and he had some store credit he wasn't using, so this way I got it while it was on sale, while neither of us are technically out any money, so he won't be in a hurry for me to pay him back. I will pay him back when I get my gift money from the family. Maybe I should save it till the holidays so it will be more of a present. I don't know if I am that disciplined. But, then again, I think I am showing myself I can be very disciplined. Well, maybe not today. Didn't get any exercise in, but it was almost 7 by the time I got home, and I had some things to do and still needed supper, so nothing today, will have to put more effort in the rest of the week to make up for it. Tis bed for me now, shortly, I really don't want to throw my schedule off if I can help it. I'm not working tomorrow, but I have to be up early for work on Thursday and Friday, and I have all morning shifts next week too it seems, so keeping the routine will only help me. I love having a routine! Hooray for routines!!

Oh, the humanity!

Okay, someone keeps calling me, but they won't talk to the machine so I don't know who it is. I screen my calls, and anyone who knows me should be aware of that. I'm not in the mood to turn on the ringer and grab it next time, if they want to be silly, then let them stew in their own juices. I did *69 once because I was curious, and got an 800 number. Don't know if that was the same person who has been calling all the other times. I'm not too bothered, really. I'm tired and not in the mood for people tonight. It's been a long day, and my legs are tired, and my back is aching. My back is not really improving, and if I even just trail my fingers over that one place, it still hurts, even without pressing on it. I thought it was a strained muscle, but I would think a strain would be better by now. SBG mentioned it is maybe a pinched nerve or some such. I don't know what it is, I just wish it would get better. It is really a huge bother, being in pain all the time from it. I had a good day at work, save for a customer who called the manager to complain about me. I was really upset until I found out which customer, and then I didn't let it upset me, really. She was rather a bitch if she got that upset when I apologized and told her I couldn't hang on the phone while she put me on hold to take another call. What did she expect, she calls and asks me questions then expects me to stand there and wait while she has another conversation, and ignore the two customers who were standing there waiting for me to help them? Whatever, chicky. I told the manager what had happened, and that I had been polite when I told her I couldn't wait on hold and that I also apologised for it. He didn't come down on me, simply said that these things happen, and that next time take the name and number and say I will call back. I told him I would have if I had got the chance, but as soon as I said I couldn't she said, that's okay, I'll just call another store! and the conversation was over. Oh, the joys of customer service; you truly meet all manner of humanity, and unfortunately you have to be nice to all of them, whether or not they deserve it! Reminds me of something that happened a few days ago, I had gone to the dollar store to pick up some plastic containers for storing things in the fridge. I also wanted a bigger plastic container for taking salads to work. The one that suited was 3 dollars instead of 1, but I decided I would get it anyway, because I would make very good use of it. After I'd paid, I was thinking the total was lower than it should have been, and I was halfway home before I realised she had charged me only 1 dollar instead of 3. And so the other day when I was in the area, I went in and told the cashier that I had been undercharged on my last visit, and handed over the difference. He never even said thank you! He just looked at me for a few long moments, then put the money in the till, then watched me leave. The store is owned by a family, and this was someone different than I'm used to seeing there, but I sure had thought whoever it was would have thanked me. I never let that upset me either. I just started laughing when I left the store. People, let me tell you!

Earned 7 Aps today: 90 min brisk walking

Sunday night

Nothing much to say tonight, was a typical Sunday for me; exercise and football. I was awake before the sun again, and I'm very pleased with how I did a fair attempt of staying on schedule this weekend. It is odd to sleep as much as I want, and to wake up and it is still dark. Was a goodly portion of my life that I probably wouldn't even have been asleep yet, normally. I did some work and got a river walk in before dinner, so I could watch the two afternoon games. I did housework during lulls in the Lions-Bears game, wanting to be able to pay attention to the Pats-Skins game, but unfortunately that turned out to be a big disappointment. I had been hoping for a competitive game, but it was a blowout instead. At least my babies won today, tho I didn't get the see the game. Normally I would be watching the Sunday night game, but as it is I need to get to bed soon, so I can be up for work in the morning. Disappointments aside, it was a productive, successful day for me, and I am happy with it.

Earned 12 APs today: 90 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

A bit of a surprise

I had a bit of a lie in this morning, didn't wake up till 6:30am. I find it rather marvelous that I actually went to bed at 8:30 and woke up so early on the weekend. My life is so different than it had been in a few very fundamental ways. I was also very happy to see when the scale told me I was showing as less than last week, and that I could claim a loss of 1.6 lbs this week after all. I think my digestion has been off, I know I felt very swollen and bloated yesterday. I am just happy the scale is still going down. Another important milestone for me, this puts me at 40.2 lbs lost in 3 months and 3 weeks, and I am quite pleased. Tonight I had a moment of imagining what it will be like to see my family, not having told them what I am up to. It is truly my biggest motivator, and something I like to think on often. It helps to create excitement, when it is hard to notice changes in the mirror because everything is so gradual. I was so happy to see the scale that I felt like dancing, and did an hour of DDR right afterward to release my excited energy. It was raining most of the day, so I didn't get a river walk in, but all is well, tomorrow is supposed to be sunny. I rented the the Harry Potter movies I don't have on DVD this afternoon, and had planned to have a Harry Potter marathon, but by the time I worked in my exercise, a healthy supper, and factored in getting to bed at a decent hour, there just wasn't enough time. I love that I have made such things a priority, and that other things like watching movies, chatting, or socializing (also turned down an invitation from a friend) are not allowed to take away from the things that I have deemed important to me and my new lifestyle. Things are going well.

Earned 7 APs today: 20 min brisk walking, 60 min DDR

Friday night

It's very quiet here tonight. I was up at 4:30 this morning, and got home about 12 hours later. Work was okay today, it is always terribly busy on Friday, and I like having 3 1/2 hours before the store opens to work without distraction. D is so much fun to be around that sometimes it hardly seems like work. Then of course we have to start dealing with customers, and everything gets hectic. I can't imagine what things will be like when the Christmas rush starts! I tied to have good chats with the customers today, and while it was hard at times, at least my supervisor noticed I was making an effort to engage them and to work on the areas I'm not so strong in. There was cake for a coworker who is leaving us, but I managed to avoid the gathering by having to stay on the floor, and later ignored the cake when I was in the lunch room to get my things at shift end. I've been having to deal with the urge to eat things I want lately, more so than usual. I imagine it is the stress I've been under. I find myself thinking about how I would love to just eat what I want to eat, and to eat a lot of it. But I ignore the thoughts and think about something else. I've also been craving greasy food; when coworkers come in with McDonald's to eat, the smell of it almost drives me to distraction lately, but I ignore that too. It's amazing when I stop to think now just how long it has been since I have eaten greasy, fattening food in liberal amounts. It has actually been months, not just days or weeks. This is not a fad or a trend or a kick, this is how I am living. I am maintaining the same level of committment right now that I had on the first day I started. I had some days this week where I did not get all the requirements of the guidelines in, but I have still not eaten outside my points, and I have 28 of my Flex points left for the week. I have earned 43 APs so far. Most importantly, I have exercised a higher level of discipline the past two weeks during a time when following the plan is now as easy as it normally is for me, on account of being moody and not wanting to eat, or else having cravings to eat lots of food that would blow a whole day's points plus the week's FPs in one sitting, and more! The scale is showing me as up all week, and it looks like I will be showing a gain for my WI tomorrow, and I am disappointed, but it is to be expected. I need to buckle down and remember as I am possibly entering a new phase of my weight loss that I am in this for the long haul, and that no matter what the scale is doing, that I maintain my level of discipline. Losing weight is easy in the beginning, and I've tried to remember that surely as the sun will rise tomorrow, that it will get a lot harder, and that every pound will be a struggle. Keeping motivated when the pounds are falling off is not much of a trick; staying motivated when the going gets rough is the real test. I am determined to do this!

Earned 5 APs today: 60 min free weights

Thursday night

I don't have much to say tonight. It was a long day at work, and as soon as I came home, I went for a river walk, then came home and set about making supper and making lunch for tomorrow. My back is aching tonight; I did something bad to it, exercising, and have only been making it worse. I stopped doing the exercise I believe caused it, but I can't not work, and today's efforts seemed to have only aggravated it more. It seems like I am in some sort of pain all the time now, and I don't much like it. I have a lot of pain in my neck and shoulders, and I'm not sure what is causing it. I think I carry my tension there, and I try to keep from doing it, but I can't seem to stop. Things are certainly tense for me lately, so I guess it is not entirelly my fault. Another long day tomorrow, I hope I feel rested enough to tackle it, it is the busiest day of the week for us, and it is my last day. If it gets rough, I will try to remind myself that I will have two days off afterward to look forward to. I do enjoy weekends off. I've been up all week, and I don't know yet if I have finally hit a plateau, or if there is something about the ampount of food I am eating or the amount of exercise I am doing that is contributing. I am trying to figure out if I need to eat more or less, but it is hard to know what to do. I do know I want to see the scale moving downward again. Hopefully I will have a loss this week, I would like that very much.

Earned 7 APs today: 85 min brisk walking.

Runnin' late

Oops! I really thought I managed to get my exercise done in a timely manner tonight, but it is later than it was the other night when I had to be in bed early on account of work. I think when I get started on things early, I more a lot more slowly because I don't have to rush, and end up only being farther behind than I would have been othewise! Definitely something else I have to work on. I felt better today, more motivated. I read a good thread on the WW boards about the positive changes people have seen after losing 50 lbs, and it really started my day off on a good note, thinking about my own life and the good things I have in store for me. I went for a walk, and the weather was so cool and wonderful that I couldn't find it in me to worry about anything. I hope tomorrow is not too tiring, would be nice to get another river walk in when I get home from work. Well, bed for me shortly...5:30am comes too quickly!

Earned 18 APs today: 105 minutes brisk walking, 60 min free weights, 60 min DDR.

My reasons

I've been struggling a little lately, one of the rare times I have since I started. I'm under stress at work, and going through some stuff there. It's been a little hard the past few days to find energy and morale, and I think this is a marvelous time for me to remind myself why I want this and why I have been working so hard. Back early on, I sat down and made a list off the top of my head of what I wanted to get out of this, and I think this is a good day to revisit my list.

My reasons for wanting to lose weight (in no particular order):

I want to look in the mirror and smile.
I want to love myself.
I want to feel attractive and sexy.
I want to see that I can (and do!) have control over my life.
I want to hold my head high.
I want to be proud.
I want to look at thin girls and not hang my head/avert my eyes
I want to feel comfortable when I'm out in public.
I want to not feel that people are talking about me in a negative way.
I want to not feel that people are disgusted when they look at me.
I want to stop constantly being self-conscious about my body.
I want to be able to lose myself in the moment.
I want to stop wondering about what life would be like if I were thin.
I want to feel at ease in my own skin and the space I occupy in this world.
I want to stop feeling so wistful when I look at thin girls.
I want to lose the sense of self-loathing I feel when I think about how I have created my reality.
I want to make my mum and my family proud.
I want to not stand out so much wherever I go.
I want to feel like I can do anything.
I want people to stop blaming me.
I want to stop blaming myself.
I want to stop thinking about how it's my fault.
I want to experience what it's like.
I want to shop for clothes and not feel dread/shame/embarrassment/self-loathing/wistfullness/hate/helplessness.
I want to feel normal.
I want to be meet the parts of my body I have not met yet.
I want to stop feeling disapproval from everyone around me.
I want to look forward to people seeing/meeting me for the first time.
I want to fit in.
I want to walk without my thighs rubbing together.
I want to do what I want and not feel so constrained.
I want to stop worrying so much.
I want to like who I am on the outside the same as on the inside.
I want to feel I have accomplished something big.
I want to stop feeling like a failure.
I want to stop feeling like there's a spotlight on me.
I want to be able to eat in public without anxiety.
I want to exercise without feeling like I'm going to collapse.
I want to sit on the bus/plane and not feel so self-conscious.
I want to stop blaming it on my weight.
I want to make my dream come true.
I want to be able to be naked in front of someone and not be mortified with myself.
I want to be able to be naked in front of me and not be mortified!
I want to have more energy.
I want to not sweat so much.
I want to wear nice (sexy!) clothes.
I want to pay less.
I want to do more.
I want to dance without fear, and feel sexy while I do.
I want I want to love life.
I want to live longer.
I want to have more opportunities.
I want to eat without feeling guilty.
I want to not hold back.
I want to stop feeling envious.
I want to stop feeling jealousy.
I want to stop feeling hate.
I want to stop wondering.
I want to believe in me.
I want to have faith.
I want to show him what he's missing.

Earned 7 APs today: 20 min brisk walking, 60 min DDR

it's a start

I made a committment to start journalling everyday. I don't expect to be able to say everything I might want to, each time. I'm used to making less frequent, longer entries, but with work and my new lifestyle, if I want to post every day, I will have to get used to saying less due to not always having the time to get too introspective. Tonight I am completely weary, having been up before dawn to get ready for work, and not having got to bed at a proper time last night. I earned 18 APs yesterday tho, on account of it being Sunday, and liking to do extra on the day I always have off. I should have managed my time better tho; if I wanted to fit all that exercise in, I should have been more mindful of getting it done earlier, leaving me free to have supper early enough to get to bed on time. That is something I will also need to work harder on. I put some effort tonight, and I will be able to get to bed at a decent time, and hopefully catch up. Up before dawn again tomorrow, although I do so enjoy being able to get work out of the way and have time to come home and exercise in the daylight. I do like getting my river walk in!

Earned 6 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

There once was a girl named delle..

..who had been overweight for as long as she could remember.

I call myself codelle, I'm currently 28 and live in Ontario. Is that my real name? No, it is not. I keep my identity private, mostly because I am keeping my weightloss journey a secret from my family, and I don't want them to find out about it before I choose to reveal it to them. Not using my real name doesn't mean that anything I say is not the complete and utter truth.

I've started this blog because it is important to me to start tracking my weightloss journey. I've already come so far and I feel that the experiences and thoughts I am having are worth recording, to look back on later. I have a strong interest in being able to look back on where I have come from, and in remembering as much as I can about the experiences I have had. I better understand the person I am now by comparing who I have become to who I was. Sometimes we only recognise change through the process of comparison.

I've not had an easy life, nor a particularly happy one. At the same time, I have much to be thankful for, and many good memories. I've been overweight more or less my whole life, but I have still have friends and people who care about me for who I am. Most of my misery has not come from without, from how people treat me, but from within myself, from my perceptions of myself and the people around me. Just as I have been overweight as long as I can remember, I have also carried within me the longing to change, to look different, to be someone else. For all of my troubled teen years I believed that being thin would result in being happy. As I entered my 20s, however, I came to realise that happiness should not be dependent on the shape of my body, and that even if I were to drop 100 lbs, I would still carry many of the issues that were contributing to my unhappiness and depression. I started to accept that it was my lot to be overweight, and to work on being as happy as I could be in spite of it. It was not an easy or a short process, and it has taken me years to get to a point where I am comfortable with who I am, and to not only tolerate myself, but to actually like me for me. Instead of viewing weightloss as the solution to my problems, I adopted the view that I should solve my problems before I tackle the weightloss. Finally, some 3-odd months ago, I realised the time was right for me to finally start working on the outside of me, after all the years I have spent working on the inside. No, my life isn't perfect, and I still have issues, but I think it is unrealistic to think I will ever get to a point where my life is perfect. It is normal that we have some issues to work on, and things we want to change. As we live, we grow and change and develop. I have come a long way, and now it is time to see how things will change for me as I work on becoming a thinner, healthier me!