The little comment that could

I was visiting Cranky Fitness today, as per my normal daily routine, and I found myself wanting to comment on today's post. Only the problem is that I found I had a lot I wanted to share about my thoughts on this topic, and rather than try to stifle myself, I decided to just say it here instead of leaving a long rambly comment over there.

The post was called, "Segregate fat people: a good idea?", and the topic was the merits of offering yoga classes geared toward people who are overweight.

What a great post! I find it fascinating how word choice can affect the nature of some people's reactions. There were some passionate responses and I was interested in all of them. I find I got rather passionate myself about my views, thank you Merry for getting us all thinking, what fun! :)

Providing a class that accommodates different wants and needs is simply providing more options for people to choose from.

I definitely feel that the use of the word "segregation" has emotionally charged a topic that I believe normally wouldn't bat many people's eyelashes. Segregation, technically, is when something is NOT presented as an option, and you do NOT have a choice as to which you'd prefer.

If when you went to the gym, you were told that since you weigh over X amount of lbs, you would be put in the "Big Yoga" class, this would indeed be segregation, and not a positive thing at all. Anything that takes away your power to choose for yourself is obviously negative and undesirable.

But the post didn't mention other people doing the choosing for you, it talked about classes being made available that account for specific needs/wants. The key point is that they are made available, not mandatory. True segregation is based on some form of discrimination, but how can providing more options to choose from be considered discrimination? If you eat at a restaurant and notice the menu has a section titled "Healthy Choices" or some such, do you believe this some form of discrimination or segregation? Only if the server informs you that since you are overweight your meal MUST be taken from that section or you will not be served.

We all have different preferences and priorities, and we make our choices based on them. Having a wide range of options simply means that there is a higher chance that everyone can choose something that works best for them.

I really don't get why it is a big deal to some people. It's not like efforts aren't already made at gyms to accommodate various wants/needs. On the most basic level, a wide, wide range of exercise equipment can be found in any decent-sized gym. Why? It would be crazy to expect a person workout out to include every different type of equipment in the gym, they'd be there all day (and probably all night as well, because they'd be too exhausted to move afterward to get themselves home). The why is simple, lots of equipment merely provides lots of options, allowing people to choose for themselves what is best for them.

And again, you see this happening at all levels. There are classes offered at different times of the day. There are classes on many different activities/exercises. There are classes offered on the same thing, but the only difference is the instructor teaching it. There are gyms that provide daycare services. There are gyms that are geared toward a specific gender, or age group.

No one thinks this is a big deal, so why would it be a big deal to offer one more option? We all make choices based on our priorities, and all these options simply try to account for them, eg., whether your priority is to find a gym closest to you, or classes in the morning because you prefer to workout in the am, or classes at night because you work all day, or gyms with daycare because you have kids and no babysitter at home, or even to find the one with the cheapest rates, etc etc.

I found it interesting that some people seem to have a negative attitude toward people who choose classes or gyms based on the desire to exercise around people who are similar in shape and/or ability, or even gender. For some, their priority is to find options that allow them to be comfortable when they exercise. How is that less worthy than someone choosing a gym simply because it is the one closest to their children's school, and it makes it easier for them to pick the kids up when they're done working out?

I find the attitude that some express of "Choosing gyms because you feel self-conscious workout out around guys or fit people is silly! I don't care what people think of me and my body, I exercise where I like! Suck it up and get some self-esteem!" to be rather insensitive, close-minded, and downright distasteful. How lovely for you that you are confident and self-assured, it is a wonderful thing to have a healthy self-esteem. But the reality is that not everyone has your situation. Would you look at a parent who wants a gym with daycare services and say, "I don't have kids and I workout when I please! Suck it up and work out at night so your partner can watch the kids instead!"

It really bothers me when people dismiss other people's concerns/priorities just because they're not important to them personally. I wouldn't choose a gym based on its daycare simply because I don't have kids and that is not a priority. I also wouldn't choose a gym based on the attractiveness/availability of people of the opposite gender or whether the treadmills have tv screens attached either. These things aren't important to me, but why would I look down my nose at people for whom these are a priority? I will never understand such people, and thankfully they seem to be in the minority.

I will also add that ultimately we are all concerned with exercising in an environment where we are comfortable. Maybe you're slender and fit and don't feel out of place at your gym, maybe you're overweight but unconcerned with whether you stand out. You probably find it hard to understand why someone would be uncomfortable exercising around people who are slender and fit. That's okay, we're all different, and it can be hard to understand the way other people experience the world. Perhaps you can't relate to the reasons behind why it would make someone uncomfortable, because your personality is different, but you must be able accept that people would rather not exercise somewhere that they are uncomfortable. Surely it is not a foreign concept; how happy would you be going to the gym if the people there constantly spit on the floors, there was no air conditioning, and it was common for people to make derogatory sexual comments to members of the opposite gender and follow them around like stalkers? Bet you wouldn't be too comfortable, and no wonder! The only difference between this and feeling self-conscious and depressed when having to work out around fit people is that the one would make any sane person uncomfortable while the other only applies to certain people. Ultimately, we all just want to be comfortable and able to relax and focus on what we're there for. I would just be happy if there were enough options to accommodate us all so that we can be all happy and able to exercise in comfort and contentment.

Back in my most morbidly obese days, I remember seeing a short docu on tv about something that I believe was called "Big Dance". It was started by a dance instructor who was offering dance classes that were open to beginners of any slant. She started noticing that the people in her class who were overweight were having difficulties with some of the moves/exercises. She said that she had never thought before about how people had different physical abilities in terms of simple things like bending, and that she had only conceptualised her instruction in terms of people's familiarity with dance. She started changing her instruction to take into account that some moves might be physically difficult for some people in the room, and eventually she started a class that focussed on dance moves for obese women. She talked about how life-changing it was for her to see the effect it had on these women to be in a class with people like themselves, to be able to dance and celebrate their bodies and feel confident in themselves and their movements. They started performing publicly, and there were clips of their dances, and I will never forget watching these morbidly obese women in tights and leotards, swaying and dancing with joy and confidence while people watched. I was in awe of these women and their confidence. I was probably around 350lbs at the time, and was in the process of eating a meal that would have stuffed two normal people. I watched that docu and cried through most of it.

Personally, I think offering "Big Yoga" would be a wonderful opportunity for people to whom it is important to have a yoga class suited to their size and ability. It would provide an option for some people who are miserable in their present classes, or who simply don't exercise at all.

In many ways, offering "Big Yoga" is no different than offering classes geared toward beginners vs experts. I think there are some slender people don't truly understand this, but exercise can definitely be a different experience depending on one's size and shape. It's not simply about one's stamina, it's about many different things, including flexibility. There are slender people who have difficulty with yoga not because they're not necessarily unfit, but just because they're not very flexible yet. Conversely, when someone is overweight, and/or a certain shape, yoga in particular can be very difficult at times.

I tried yoga once, and found it very taxing, and it was a beginners DVD. I don't have good balance, and I carry the bulk of my weight around my middle. I found some of the poses very difficult and painful in ways that slender people probably wouldn't, just because of the added strain all this weight around my middle puts on me. Certain poses are going to be more difficult to assume and maintain when a person is overweight, or simply a certain shape. A class that is geared toward overweight people would be safer and more efficient. It wouldn't require people to assume positions that place higher amount of strain on the muscles/joints of overweight people for long periods of time, and it would offer more exercises that take into account having to twist and bend with less flexibility or having to accommodate big boobs or a huge tummy getting in the way. It would mean that people would be less likely to hurt themselves unnecessarily, or to have to sit through exercises that they can't do because they can't get into that position. Offering classes that focus on specific needs/abilities helps make workouts more efficient for everyone involved, it's the whole principle behind having classes for beginners vs experts.

The flip side is this: offering classes that people who are normally too self-conscious to exercise will feel comfortable taking will help them gain self-confidence. We often get it through doing, and many people will say that when they are surrounded by people they feel similar to, most people feel a boost in confidence. Getting a chance to try yoga with people one is comfortable with could be the stepping stone for a person to become confident to start trying other exercises. It's one thing to say people should be able to just do a thing, but the reality is that a lot of us really need those stepping stones.

And as I said before, it's all about providing options. It's only a bad thing if people aren't given the option to choose what they want. You would still get overweight people who would choose to do "Small Yoga" instead of "Big Yoga", maybe because exercising around other overweight people isn't a priority to them, or they do their own modifications to the moves, or maybe because they like the instructor, or the time of day is better, or because that's the one their best friend is in.

And you know what? I bet you would also get some slender people who would choose to take "Big Yoga", maybe because exercising around other slender people isn't a priority to them, or they find the modifications helpful to them because they have arthritis, or maybe because they like the instructor, or the time of day is better, or because that's the one their best friend is in.

As long as actual segregation is not happening, and overweight people who try to join "Small Yoga" aren't told "Get out, you're too fat!", and slender people who try to join "Big Yoga" aren't told "Get out, you're ruining it for the fat people!", then why on earth would it be an issue? Look around you, we're a society based on variety, one trip down the toothpaste aisle should bring that fact home to you. An option does not become a less worthy option simply because it is not one that is important to you or one that you or most of the population would choose.

In the end, people will choose what they want, and three cheers for anything that results in more people choosing to be active and leads to people feeling happier, more confident, and more fit! :D

Sweatin' buckets

The temperature was near the mid-30s today, and with the humidity it felt like 40. It's only a few degrees cooler than that in my flat, despite the fact that the sun has set. I have a high-powered fan pointing straight at me and I've been having to sit on a towel. The moment I shift out of the fan's range a sweat immediately breaks out all over my body.

Looks like I can finally say it...Summer is officially here. Joy! (please kill me)

I've had some things going on that have distracted me from writing, personal stuff that has me emotional, and exercising that has me busy and tired. Definitely yay! for one and boo! for the other.

The heat and the humidity kicking in has definitely had an effect on me, I've had a couple more miserable river walks, but in the last week I've been really careful about getting a lot of water into me before I set out, and my walks have become enjoyable again.

I've also had to adjust the times when I go, and on a couple days, whether I would even go at all. Yesterday was a repeat of the Sunday before my last post; did the workout first THEN the river walk. But despite the fact that the temp was probably 7 degrees hotter, I didn't long to throw myself into the river as I had last time (whether to cool off or simply drown myself is uncertain). Instead, I felt excellent when I was making my way into my building afterward. Yes I was tired and I had sweated OBSCENE amounts, but I felt really, really good too. The difference this time is that I loaded up on water all day (not that I drank more than usual per se, just drank it earlier in the day instead of evening like I normally do), and maybe more importantly, I made sure to have a meal with protein in between the workout and the walk.

I'm so glad I waited till evening to walk, I left about an hour before sundown and the view on the river was absolutely gorgeous, the sky was purple and orange and the sun was a firely red and the river was such a pretty pale blue, and it was nice to be able to look around at it all instead of having to keep my head down against the usual bright glare of the sun. There was even a little breeze, and it helped me feel cooler and I didn't mind sweating buckets because I didn't feel like I was melting.

But let me tell you, did I ever sweat. Recently when I come home from walks and get undressed, my clothes feel very close to how heavy they are when I take them from the washer while doing laundry. I get a kick out of it, and I also use the heft as a reminder to me to guzzle the water.

I've been a little concered that I've been sweating out more than I'm taking in, in terms of sodium and electtrolytes, etc. I don't drink anything but water, and I eat pretty clean. But I noticed last week that the exact same things I always eat were suddenly tasting really salty to me. The same tuna I always eat tasted so salty that I had to get the can and examine it to make sure nothing was amiss. The next day my cottage cheese tasted so salty I was looking at it in confusion. Normally I dislike salty food, but I've not been bothered by the inexplicable saltiness of certain foods lately, it tastes quite good actually.

It didn't go away wither, it went on for days! This makes me wonder whether my body isn't getting enough sodium/etc to counteract all the excessive sweating I've been doing lately. Most health-conscious people try so hard to cut the salt way down, they don't stop to think that if you keep your intake constant, your body will be affected during times when you sweat more, as when you exercise and/or go through the summer months. I've been doing some reading to see if sensitivity to salt is a symptom of needing more sodium, but have had no luck at all. I keep getting the same cookie-cutter articles talking about how we have too much salt in our diets and salt is baaaaaaaaaad! I've gotten to a point now where I'm a little skeptical though, I think the hoopla around limiting it to 500-2300mg a day or whatever it is, might be unreasonable without taking into account such things as how much you sweat/exercise. I was reading an interesting study that talked about how most studies looking at the adverse affects of salt are not properly factoring for all contributing variables to the health problems they focus on. I'm not saying too much salt is good, I'm just saying I'm starting to have second thoughts on how little is best.

Either way, I've gotten rather obsessive recently about how much of what nutrients I've been getting, in light of the salt-sensitivity and periods of fatigue I was having. I've started journalling my meals very specifically, trying to find out exactly what my intake is. The food scale I bought with a Christmas gift card is prooving invaluable, as I always knew it would be if I ever managed to get one. I've been measuring and weighing everything, even the veggies, because I want to know what I might be lacking or getting too much of, and what I can possibly tweak so that I feel good physically, not to mention lose weight while feeling satisfied.

I will say that I have been tracking my sodium intake for the past week and it seems I do not go over the 2300mg a day of sodium it is widely recommended I should never exceed. Tracking for a week gives me a good picture because my meals have little variation, and if I haven't eaten it somewhere in the week then it's something I don't have very often. I'd been concerned that I should start trying to cut even more sodium out, but after the past couple weeks I'm thinking that I will not worry about that, not over the summer anyway. I'm still trying to decide if perhaps I might need a little more (seriously, you have no idea how much I sweat), I'm going to play it by ear and try to listen closely to my body.

Okay I've rambled on forever, there was more I wanted to say but I'll save it for the next post. Mental Note: you wouldn't need to ramble on forever if you posted more often. Gotcha.

A seventh of your life...

..is spent getting through Mondays.

Normally Monday isn't a big deal for me anymore, but I both ate out last night and had adventures with tequila, so today did feel like Monday. As usual with the day after a drunk I was hungry all day; normally I have a very late supper but today I was hours ahead of schedule, I just wanted to eat and eat.

I stayed OP and I'm feeling better now, I'm just hoping I don't feel hungry again before bed because I have no points left. I don't get hangovers, I just get ravenous the next day. And I will often feel lethargic, as I have today.

I've felt tired and lazy and didn't do any exercise, but that was partially because of the heat and because I was absolutely wiped yesterday during my river walk. I did my workout first then did the walk right afterward and at first I was fine but halfway through I was wishing some bicyclist would run me over and put me out of my misery.

The worst was that my body suddenly became intensely demanding in terms of wanting to be fed. I could almost hear it yelling at me "Feed me, Bitch!" I tried silently reasoning with it that food would come later, when I got home and cleaned up, but it refused to listen. I then silently willed it to chow down on some fat stores while I finished my walk, but instead I think it started eating my lung tissue, because I started getting very achy. I think it also helped itself to some grey matter, as my brain ceased working properly and I lost my ability to think clearly. I no longer felt like I was walking, felt a lot more like trudging. And as I trudged I told myself that I need to be more careful about the timing of my meals when I'm exercising. I also decided I might take the day off today and recuperate, a decision that was solidified after the night's eventual activities. Right now I'm just looking forward to sleep!

Oh well

So all right, that sucked mightily! The game started well, but then the Wings just lost their spark, I was disappointed the game wasn't more competitive. And of course I was also disappointed that they didn't win, if for no other reason than I hate seeing the home crowd let down like that. I always feel bad for the losing players, but when it's in front of the home crowd I end up feeling bad for them too, all 20-odd thousand of them. I found it interesting that for all the hype around Crosby, they basically won the game with him doing much of anything. The same goes for the the whole series actually, and yet every second word out of their mouth is 'Crosby'. Seems to me they did just fine without him. But whatever, lol, it's over and done with, I won't have any sports to talk about till NFL starts up again.

I'm still on track, in some ways I feel I'm getting even more on track with each day. I think it's because I've gotten the physical cravings mostly out of my system at this point. I'm finding myself to be much more satisfied with the food I'm eating. The mental cravings aren't gone yet, but they're getting less too, and they're easier to ignore when not paired with the physical kind at the same time. There are times my emotions trigger cravings for dirty carbs, but I've been able to resist.

I truly think that the key for me is to get into a groove. With each day I'm OP, the more reluctant I am to go off plan and ruin my 'streak'. And I suppose the key to getting back on plan truly is to just take it one day at a time, because each day truly makes a difference in the critical time early on when you're trying to get re-established.

I had planned a river walk today, but I didn't go. I wanted to walk to the grocery as well today, as I won't be lifting today as I lifted yesterday, and I did do that. But I could hear all this racket this afternoon and remembered that the Red Bull Air Races were today, and I knew it would be chaos down by the river. It's so hard to walk when there are people meandering everywhere on the path. I did a river walk last year the morning of the races and found the people very annoying, there were so many of them it was frustrating to try and keep my pace up while having to weave about them as they walked down the middle of the path.

So today I figured I'd give the river walk a miss. I did however walk to the grocery and back, 2 miles each way, and carried my groceries back, which I figure is easily the equivalent of a river walk at least. I got a big bag of green peppers, and a big bag of yellow and orange peppers, and I got whole wheat pitas and frozen veggies and some spices and parmasan, I'm quite pleased. Oh, and mushrooms, I can't get decent mushrooms up the street, makes me crazy!

Still, I would have liked to do both a grocery run AND a river walk in, though; it's strange how guilty I feel, as though I didn't exercise today, just because I got my activity from running errands instead of just for the sake of exercise. As if activity isn't activity, as long as the intensity is the same. I suppose it would be much more preferable to be able to get your activity just from practical things like running errands, that would leave the rest of your time free for leisure, but there it is. I still would have liked to walk by the river today, it is a nice day for it, cloudy and grey and I wouldn't have been fried by the sun for once. Incidentally I'm just glad that activity is becoming a part of my routine again to the extent that I feel weird if I don't get planned exercise in!

Go Wings Go!

The first period just ended of the Stanley Cup Final, and me nerves are gone! I did a workout and was rushed just before the game to make a meal, a very, very late lunch. I'll have supper after the game, but I was hungry and made scrambled eggs with tons of peppers and onions (it was sooo delicious!). I was in the kitchen finishing making it when the game started, I was frantic that I might miss something exciting. Apparently I didn't need to worry though, it's a scoreless first period. Competitive though, fast-paced.

The playoffs have been good motivation for me to do my workouts, because I've been wanting to be finished and cleaned up to be waiting for the start of the game. I've been converted into a real Red Wings fan this year, it's hard not to get caught up with the excitement, but I cheer for the Wings because they have Dan Cleary, homegrown, fellow Newfoundlander, how could I be here and NOT cheer for the Wings?? lol Don Cherry is praising him right now on Coach's Corner, the part at the beginning of the game where he was standing in the river and hefting an octopus, you can see the Windsor side of the river over his shoulder, right where I go for my walk. A friend of mine works for the Red Wings during playoffs and he got me in with him to watch one of the games in round 1, and when I saw Dan come out I was screaming my head off, I was so excited to see him there!

If they win it I'll go out on my balcony and listen to them partying in Detroit, I bet I see fireworks, they love setting them off when they win championships. When I went for my river walk this afternoon, I was looking over at the Joe and I could see crowds of people there already. I was wishing so badly that I could be there, but I don't know if I could handle the stress, it's bad enough sitting here by myself. Nothing like a good competitive playoff game to keep your heart rate up!!

I won!

I won I won I won I WON!!! *happy dances n wiggles!* :D

About a week ago I was making my daily visit to one of my all-time fav blogs, Cranky Fitness, and I saw they were doing a giveaway for these things called Sleep Phones. The blogs I frequent often have cool giveaways, the kind where basically all you have to do to qualify is make a comment on the post (oh, and have had parents who birthed and raised you in the United States..hee), but I've never entered any before. This is mostly because the contests are usually for US citizens only, plus I never feel very lucky. But as soon as I saw this post I knew I was going to enter, something was telling me I had to do it, especially since it was open to anyone no matter which country you happen to call home.

It still almost didn't happen, because I had just installed a new browser, and when I first read the post I wasn't able to see the verification code to add a post, so I decided to go back and do it later. My memory is not always the greatest, but those Sleep Phones were in my mind, I knew I wanted them badly, and I remembered to go back on the last day to qualify and make my comment. I was the third last person to enter, and thought it might hurt my chances somehow; surely the random number generator would pick randomly from the middle of the pile! Yes I know, humans can have some very illogical ideas about the meaning of 'random' and estimating chance, all my many stats professors over the years are probably all somewhere shaking their heads at me. Well, as long as they're not all somewhere doing it together in some sort of conference on Delle Stupidity or some such.

But I won! I truly did! How terribly exciting! I am sooo full of squee and glee, I've been bouncing around ever since I found out. I would have found out yesterday but I was super bummed out yesterday and generally unimpressed with the world, and felt that laying in bed doing nothing was much preferable to going online and following my normal routine. I even had the thought that the winner would be announced, but in the end decided to wait to check; too bad I hadn't been on the comp, it sure would have cheered me up some! But better late than never, I'll take cheeriness whenever it comes!

I can't wait to try these earphones, you would not believe the troubles I've had with trying to wear regular over-the-head earphones to bed. I can't sleep on my back, so it made for very painful ears/neck/head while sleeping on my side. To try and get around this in the past I've actually resorted to taking the computer speakers to bed with me (not on the first date though, of course!), and positioning them so there was sitting on either side of me as I slept. That worked better than trying to sleep with headphones on, but then the speaker wire got damaged from getting caught in the frame of my bed and the speakers I have no don't have wires long enough to stretch. I've been having renewed trouble with insomnia again this year and I've taken to falling asleep while listening to my favorite audio book, I just play it on my laptop. The problem becomes when I have company over or when I sleep elsewhere I don't have that option. Plus I've recently acquired some noisy neighbours and I've been having to put up with a lot of noise when I try to sleep. I'm going to be haunting the mailbox till these babies make it here, I'm indecently thrilled to have 1. actually won something, and 2. won something I wanted that will actually be incredibly useful and practical for me! :D *squiggles and wiggles!*

A sunny Tuesday

I've been awful about keeping up my journal, but to be honest there wasn't much to say. I've been having a lot of issues and things going on in my life, and I've been having a lot of trouble pulling things together. I gained some more weight, the exact amount shall not be spoken, since I am struggling with a lot of guilt and shame and am trying to let it go as much as possible. I've been hiding because I don't want to admit it, so I figure if I don't admit it I can find the courage to come out of hiding at least. Suffice to say that the clothes I was wearing last summer are way too snug and uncomfortable now, and that is probably one of my biggest motivators right now to get back in shape. It's not easy, but one day at a time is all you can do.

I've been attempting to get things under control for a while, but it's been a lot of start and stop. I've found myself really vulnerable to emotional eating over the fall and winter months, and it's been really difficult to stop the binging. I ate so well the year before, but I also wasn't dealing with a lot of the personal issues I've been faced with lately.

This time around however, I didn't talk about getting back on track, I just did it. I didn't want to talk about it and not do it again so I just kept quiet and put my energy into the behaviours. I'm doing really well, I've been tracking and OP for a month, after so many months without tracking at all. I've noticed the past few days that I'm finally starting to settle back into the healthy diet; for a long time there I was having fierce cravings for dirty carbs, and it was killing me some days to avoid a binge. I'm eating almost exactly the way I did when I lost most of the weight, and I'm getting to a point where I'm looking forward to my meals again and finding satisfaction from them, instead of wishing constantly that I was eating something else.

What I think I'm most proud of is that I'm back into an exercise routine! After the injury I had late last summer I just fell off track and never seemed to get back on. It took a long time to heal, but by then I was distracted by life and got just plain lazy. I tried during the winter to get things in hand, and started to get a routine with my elliptical, but then it broke and I was up the creek. But the weather is fin (getting too fine actually, I sweat buckets when I exercise now), and I'm back to walking and lifting. Last week I had absolutely NO motivation to workout, but I did anyway, and I am super proud of that. I was PMSing like crazy, much worse than usual, but I was determined to stick to my new routine and I did. I have been revelling in the feeling I get from exercising, and I'm focussing hard on making it a positive force in my life right now.

In terms of losing the excess, it is achingly slow going, to the point that I'm not really showing much if any of a loss from week to week. This can be incredibly disheartening, as I am miserable with my body as it is and I want to get back to where I had been as fast as possible. Of course after losing so much weight I know better than most that it takes time, but the thing is that it's MUCH MUCH MUCH slower than it had been before, even though I feel I am doing everything almost exactly the same. Perhaps it's because I'm so impatient to see results, but I was always impatient. I just keep telling myself to concentrate on the behaviours, and that the rest will follow in time. I'm hoping that the fact that I jumped back into doing a lot of exercise instead of gradually building from a small bit is one of the reasons the scale is being stubborn. I've been lifting for about a month, I can see more muscle tone, and that affects the scale, particularly in terms of fluid retention. I've also had a period and have been eating out (counted for in points) but I only very rarely ate out before, so while I think my routine is exactly the same, of course it isn't.

The one thing I've found I've been missing the past week is journalling here, and I think that is yet another sign that I'm getting back on track. I'm finding that I'm motivated to talk about my successes and even my struggles from day to day, it helped me so much while I was losing before. Journalling isn't something I want to force myself to do, I want it to be natural, just like I want my healthy lifestyle to be natural again. Of course, nothing is ever easy, but I'm starting to feel good, and I'm looking forward to feeling even better!

The Monday after

I had expected to be back here before now, but I've had some things distracting me the past couple of weeks, and I'm still trying to ease back into things gradually instead of setting tonns of goals and determining to be perfect. I noticed that I had comments on my last post, I was so surprised, as I'm not used to that! I was touched that people took the time out to read my words and to go out of their way to comment.

I've not been on the scale since about last Wednesday or so, but I've been weighing pretty regularly, every day or so, overall. The scale was showing up again, even though I had been strict with my diet for over a week. It will take time for me to get a feel for things and how the scale is going to react. I had such a strict routine last year that I knew what the scale was going to do from week to week, but now that I am making different decisions I have no way or predicting. I'm not too worried about what it is doing week to week, I'm going to be looking more at what it is doing month to month, since that will be the true tell as to whether things are working. I'm being reminded at how weight loss takes so much time, but you can gain so much weight in just a few days of binging.

I haven't been tracking since last Wednesday either, I've not been home most of that time, and usually didn't have access to a computer. I knew that I was going to be unable to track for at least two days, and that I would be eating out. I also took that into account in my food choices early in the week. I know I could have done better over the weekend, but overall I'm not displeased. I wasn't perfect, but I still kept a measure of control. It was tempting to go all out, but I weighed each decision before I made it, and ultimately I denied myself permission to binge. Again I worked on cutting back instead of cutting out; I had cheese with a few meals, when last year I would have had none, but for the meals where it was a condiment (what is the proper term?? it is escaping me at the moment), I kept the amounts very small. I also had a little bit of dessert with one meal, but I shared with another person instead of having my own.

So it wasn't a blow-out weekend, but the days of un-tracked/unplanned meals lasted longer than I had expected, as I'd thought I'd be home by Friday night but didn't get back until Sunday afternoon. I did choose to eat what I liked last night without tracking, when I could have, but I decided that it was what I wanted and that I would pay the price. The price of course is that I'm having some cravings today, but I can handle it. I'm wishing I had some junk food (craving chips and chocolate, in no particular order), but all I have to do is endure it, since I have no junk in the house to eat no matter how tempted. I do however have lots of wonderful veggies, since the friend I spent the weekend with (JB) took me shopping yesterday before dropping me off, and I stocked up on good things. I bought a big bag of red peppers, green onion, carrots, romaine, apples (I never never eat enough fruit, something else I keep trying to improve on), mushrooms, green beans, celery, my fav frozen veggies, and a big bag of zuccini. I also got other essentials like whole wheat pita, yogurt for baking, tuna, and diced tomatoes/sauce for cooking. I am actually pretty excited when I look in my fridge and see the zuccini, it's been months since I've bought any, I've not seen any at my regular store that have looked fit to buy. These ones are firm and big and oh so pretty! I bought a bagful, and now I need to decide my next two meals for the day and see if I can incorporate the green lovelies, using my WW tracker of course. Definitely got my veggie mojo going!

Hello February!

I'm not going to make any grand pronouncements. I'm still where I left off last time, trying to get a routine back into my life. I have been putting a lot of effort into getting my eating back under control over the last month, and I'm finally having success with it. At first I started cutting out the junk, and eating more of the foods I ate consistently when I was OP, then I started working on portions sizes. This is my second week I believe of counting points every day, and I'm feeling pretty good. When I was last posting here I was having a lot of dicculties with cravings, but I'm not having near the same struggles now. I'm starting to see the extra weight begin to come off and it's doing me a world of good.

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking.

Being okay

Yesterday and today turned out rather differently than expected, I've not had much time online before now really. Watched a bit of football yesterday with a friend, and some House, MD, which is my current obsession. I didn't make great food choices, but for the most part I didn't have a whole lot of say in the meals, but I did make some effort and tried to control portions. I had most of my flex so even tho I wasn't able to count, I'm not calling the weekend a write-off by any means. I really must get back to exercising regularly, no matter about my elliptical being broken, it will probably help balance things out. I've not slept well the past few nights and I'm really tired tonight. My back has been aching because my period was looming, and now that it's started I'm hoping the aches and the cramps will stop. I'm also hoping I get to sleep easily tonight and that the insomnia that has come back to plague me buggers off and lets me get to bed at a decent hour. If I end up staying awake all night I'm sure I'll end up hungry and having cravings, I had a really early and light supper today. Fingers crossed for sweet dreams tonight!

When did Saturday happen??

I know the time is passing quickly, but this week went super fast. I keep getting disoriented about what day it is, and I'm always behind. I only have a few minutes but I wanted to post since I didn't have a chance to do it yesterday. I got a call from the building manager yesterday and she told me that contractors would be by in the afternoon to fix my heat, which was a very welcome call. Two very nice, polite young gentleman showed up and sorted it out for me and now I have a few thermostate and a new hole in the wall because the wires were such a mess inside they had to do some sort of a bypass, but they put a plate on it and it is tidy enough, they even swept up the mess from the carpet. Right now I'm on my way out the door and my ride just showed up. I just wanted to let the record show that I did go out to dinner last night, and wasn't able to count the points, but I did however take a lot of care to try and control my portions, and ate as slowly as I could manage and waited a while before seconds and drank lots of water, so go me!

Momentamum

I got a surprise yesterday when I logged onto the WW site to access the food tracker so I could sort out my meals, and discovered that WW has done a bit of an overhaul to their program. I used to follow the Points system, but now they're calling it Momentum or some such. What used to be very straightforward is now less straight forward, however, after some reading and frowning I discovered that it is more or less the same ideas, just structured a little differently. The main change is that WW is now (THANKFULLY!!!!!!!) talking about the specific kinds of foods that people should be eating. It talks about 'filling foods' and how there are foods that make you feel full longer and that it is good to try to incorporate as many of these into your diet as possible. It gives a list of sorts, but it is an excellent framework, particularly because they gave none before, aside from the 8 Healthy Guidelines. It took me a lot of reading and researching to learn about what types of foods I should be eating, and I was honestly very disappointed and frustrated that WW gave so little nutritional information. The filling foods list is made up of whole grains and specific types of veggies and lean meats and such, many of which make up the brunt of my diet, but let me tell you, it took months and months before I realised which foods are better for me. It's one thing to say eat fruits and veggies and stay away from high-fat/cal food, but for those of us who are clueless about nutrition, it is actually really hard to know which foods give you the most gain. I'm on a budget but it takes a lot to fill me up, so I was really motivated to find foods that give me the most bang for my buck. It's good to see that WW is putting emphasis on these types of foods, even tho most of my foods already come in on this list, I'll still be able to get some new ideas from it. Interestingly the food tracker now has a hunger tracker, and while they only give you options for a specific number of meals a day, I'm still going to give that a try. Yesterday I made a supper meal but ended up boxing up the rice dish because I felt full by the time I got to it and so I'll have it for supper today. It was nice to be full and satisfied but still have food left, all my food yesterday came off the filling foods list, looks like I've been making good choices!

As long as your toes aren't blue, you're fine

I've embarked on the delightfully fun task of battling to get my thermostat fixed so that hopefully this winter I don't have to use the oven to get warm sometimes. I was informed by the maintainence guy today that the company who owns my building have decided in the past that they don't have to do anything as long as you are getting the legal minimum of 72 degrees of heat. He said this after insulting me rather thoroughly by asking me what the problem was, ignoring my explanation, and then giving me a lecture on how to operate the thermotat (apparently you turn it up higher to make more heat come out...no wonder I've been cold!). I have a headache and I'm dealing with food cravings and I really wish this heat problem resolves with little fuss. I've two days of clean eating under my belt (or would if I had one). I've been craving potatoes like mad, so yesterday I bought some (first time I've done that) and had some with supper. I need to work on the recipe tho, they came out too liquidy. I had some difficulties last night when I was feeling incredibly driven to eat even tho I don't really think it was hunger. I honestly had trouble telling. I decided to have a snack, and used flex for it, and am telling myself that it's going to take some time before I get my groove back. I'm feeling good about it tho, I'm determined to make it through and hopefully in a few weeks my once-loose jeans will stop being snug.

Ix-nay on the ocolate-chay

I did really well yesterday food-wise, I had planned out my meals, but I ended up pushing aside my supper after only eating half of it. That was not an issue because I had planned a big meal and had been using flexies to take care of it. I was just so hungry most of the day that I figured I'd be extra hungry. I'm glad I didn't eat it just because I could, one of my biggest issues is wanting to eat till I'm stuffed.

I had to white knuckle it a few times yesterday tho, one time in particular while talking to a friend and a lengthy conversation about food ensued, with a big focus on chocolate and included detailed stories about chocolate shops and emporiums and eventually I had to insist the conversation move away from the food because it was definitely triggering massive cravings.

I have such a weakness for chocolate and dessert, it's one of the big things I'm struggling with right now. I suppose my brain is low in seratonin and is extra motivated to think about the chocolate, but knowing the why of it doesn't help me much, other than telling me I should try to up the level of my cheerful chemicals some other way. It would be so much easier if I could just drink a bottle of seratonin and call it good...I wonder how many calories it would be?

Cancel the fanfare, please

I've gone another long stretch without posting, so now I'm going to try something completely radical...posting earlier in the day!

Well okay, so maybe it's not THAT radical of a concept, but I have always and forever posted here at the end of the day. I wanted to keep that up (did I mention I can be resistent to change??), mostly because I felt it would help me get back into my old routine.

So here I am finally admitting that the old routine is dead and in the past and that I need to mourn it and think of it kindly because it served me so well...and then move on.

Right now my priority is getting a routine back, period. I have said a few times that my life is different now than it had been over the year I was losing the majority of the weight, but I suppose I have not truly appreciated just HOW different my life is. In some ways I actually have a lot more time on my hands, but at the same time there are some very different factors. Not being employed means I can structure my day however I want, but it also means that I am feeling too demotivated and depressed to want to do anything with my day at all. I also find that I have a tiny bit of a social life, so while before my evenings were always spent at home if I wasn't working, now I find myself with plans a lot of evenings, which has been one of the main reasons that my whole comfortable routine of writing in my journal at the end of the day no longer works for me. Add in that I like to write about what I did, and I've not been successful at doing much of anything lately, and the end result is no journalling at all.

I've struggled with it, but I am still so much of a perfectionist that it often hampers me and reaching my goals. The thing I don't like about writing early in the day is that I'll probably spell out all my goals and things I want to accomplish that day, which is awesome, but what happens if I slack off and don't do any of them?? That means the next day I'll have to admit to that. It is easier to say what you've done at the end of the day then to say what you want to do, because in one you're just reporting, but in the other you're actually committing yourself *cue scary music* How terrifying that I might actually have to follow through on something...I might fail! Then I'll look like a failure! And feel like a failure! And probably actually BE a failure!! Ohh, the woe!

But then I suppose there is an alterative to all the scariness..I suppose I could just write without actually going crazy on spelling out all the wonderful productive things I'm going to do with my day, and instead just play it by ear. Tho admittedly, it wouldn't hurt me to make a few small committments, and then stick to them. Today I had been planning to eat completely OP, but a big part of me would also like to try to get some activity in, mainly because I have been battling insomnia again, and sweating more during my day will very likely make it less difficult for me to fall asleep at night. I'm just not sure how to go about it; I was getting into a groove over this past month of getting back into activity, and I was starting to log some great regular time on my elliptical and was getting into a routine with it, when the damn thing broke, and I need to find a new bolt for one of the steps someplace because the old one is stripped. I was honestly very pissed when this happened, because walks aren't much of an option for me right now, and I loved having the option to get high intensity cardio right here at home.

But whatever, I'll get that sorted when I can, I'll have to figure out something else to do. It's a beautiful winter's day out (read, cloudy and snowing...mmm!), and I'm going to make the most of it...non-specifically!

Stillness of a different quality

I woke up today wanting to lift, but I ended the day not having done it. I got caught up with doing stuff on the comp, and the next thing I knew the afternoon was gone and I had to get my walk in before dark. I want to have enough time to go over what exercises I will do in my new regime, as I'm still not exactly sure which ones I will be using. I also have one of those swiss balls or whatever they're called, but I've not had a chance to use it yet, and I want to puruse the DVD that came with it.

In the end, I'm not disappointed that I didn't actually lift, but instead I'm thrilled that I wanted to. Today was a great day, I felt focussed and in control. I had cravings and such, but I was able to stay strong without having to struggle to do so. I love feeling like I am getting my mojo back, I want to see the scale moving down again, and I want to end my days happy with the choices I made.

The thought ocurred to me while I was walking this evening that even tho I put about 15 lbs back on again, there were still some positives to the last few months and the time I spent off plan. The last year I've been literally almost constantly preoccupied with losing weight, to the point of obsession. I knew that I was obsessed, but I chose to just go with it because I also knew it was a temporay thing. My main goal was to lose as much as I could before my trip home in July, it had never been my intention to maintain that kind of intensity forever. Nonetheless, despite knowing I was working toward an end point and was not meaning to go on as I was indefinitely, I was still left out of sorts and directionless after I got back from my trip. I never really thought too specifically about what came after, and as a result I really struggled when I tried to find a groove to get back into. It of course did not help that I had spent two weeks not tracking, eating various foods, and not exercising. The consequences were that I ended up slipping completely off plan, but in getting back on track I am finding that I am no longer obsessed with losing weight, and that somewhere in the last few months I have adjusted to being in this new body. It's starting to feel natural and more real to me than it did before the trip. I still want to lose more weight and get to my goal, but it's not consuming my every waking thought, it's not a constant worry. The race is over, so to speak, now that the trip is done, and I'm not feeling pressured by time. Now is where I need to settle more into a lifestyle, and find a routine and a groove that will work for me for now on. It's almost as tho I need to prepare to maintain, even tho I had a ways to go before I reach goal. Despite not being OP the past couple of months, I still think I learned some things about what it is like to just live this lifestyle without constantly thinking about it. It gave me a chance to think about other things and get some distance from the frenzied obsessed me I had been for the past year. I've had my struggles in getting back on track the past week or two, but I am enjoying the sense of calm I am feeling right now. I want to get more of my focus, but I also want to maintain this sense of calm, and to refrain from becoming obsessed all over again. I knew that was temporary, so let now be about finding a new headspace that I can embrace and go forward with.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

You know I love you baby please don't go

I had a busy day but a good one. I did housework and laundry and my comp work and got a river walk in, and J took me shopping so I was able to stock up on things I needed. It's always a nice feeling to have the fridge full of healthy freggies and the cupboards stocked with things I like to cook with. The bill is NEVER nice, but unfortunately that part can't be avoided. I often wish food was free, but I suppose that would cause a lot more problems, still I wish certain healthy foods were cheaper. I started to say I wish they were cheaper than certain junk foods, but I deleted that because I thought back over the past couple months when I was eating off plan a lot, and to be honest I was paying more for the types of food I was eating then than I do when I'm eating OP. That's something to keep in mind, especially these days when I have no income.

But never mind that, the point is that I was able to do a proper shopping trip for the first time in a very long time, and it's nice knowing I have what I need right now without having to plan my meals around what I don't have in stock, or knowing I have to go shopping before I can make something. That's fine in the summer months, but the weather is starting to get cold and wet and I would prefer not to shop day to day like I often do in the warm months.

J was also kind enough to take me to Chapters so I could get the 10th and 11th books of the Sword of Truth series, and I am in an absolute lather over burrowing into them as soon as I can. I want to try and portion them out so that I don't binge on them and make them end too soon, but it will be difficult! I had the thought that I should make reading a reward for getting my work or particularly my exercise done, the same way I have saved my Angel DVDs to only watch when I exercise. It will kill two birds and will help me reach goal in the meantime.

We ate out for supper, which I thought was a possibility and had so saved my points and made extra sure I got activity in. I had no idea where we would go however, so I wasn't able to plan my meal, but I did track it when I got home. I did really well, but I did go into the flexies again, which is something I have wanted to avoid this week, but I didn't go in by much. I had the chicken fajitas and they were soo tastey. I also said not to bring the guacamole, sour cream, tomatoe-bean filler, and to instead give me some salsa and hot sauce to use as my accessories. I also asked them to half the cheese portion; normally I would have said to nix the cheese as well, but I needed a second dairy portion and was in the mood for cheese. I love cheese but rarely like using the points for it, I prefer bulk where I can get it. All in all I call the day a success. Here's to another successful day tomorrow!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

I used to have a brain

I'm not much use right now, I'm not falling asleep sitting up or anything, but I'm in that zoned-out staring at things while waiting for words to come to me but none do headspace, which is always fun. I left mid-afternoon yesterday for a party in the country, and I didn't get home till late this afternoon. It's a good thing I saved all my flexies and got all that activity in this week because I partied HARD. I had my first drink at about 3:30pm yesterday and we didn't stop till about 5:00 this morning. The party was the yearly get together for a bunch of people who work at putting off fireworks shows, and they do their own fireworks display for the party. I spent the weekend with a bunch of people who get off on blowing shit up, and I had the time of my life. There was constantly things being set off everywhere, and I became used to being startled out of my wits constantly. I've always loved fireworks since I was young so being able to go to this party was an incredible treat for me. I had so much fun that I didn't restrict myself when it came to the food, and I just ate what I wanted to eat instead of making careful choices. I did try to not eat too much since I was not making healthy choices, but I still ate a fair bit (tho not as much as I could have, or wanted to), and later in the night I did have some of the desserts. Throw in all the booze plus the breakfast they made for us this morning and definitely NOT and OP weekend, but there it is. I'm not worried and I don't feel like I blew it or anything. It's not very often I find myself in situations like that, so I'm not fretting. I could have done it differently but I don't regret it, and in the end that is the important thing. Back to OP business as usual tomorrow, counting my points and planning my meals and getting my activity in. I'm thinking I should probably completely avoid my flexies this upcoming week to try and offset this weekend. Despite all the off-plan eating and drinking over the past two days, I still actually feel really good tonight, I don't feel like this has set me back mentally in terms of getting my groove back. Of course I might not feel it till tomorrow, but I'm thinking that I'll be able to handle things without too much issue. Yes, I still want to lose more weight, but I'm not going to stop living, and I had a compelte blast this weekend, definitely one I'm going to remember for a very long time!

A quickie

I just wanted to do a quick update. I'm not at home so I didn't post last night. I'm still doing well, I've been eating OP and have been geting activity. I ate out for supper last night without having expected to be doing so, but I think I did really well with my choices. I also did really well today, tried a new healthy recipe, and cooked a healthy supper. I tried to balance everything out, and I'm pleased with my day, especially since I am still resisting cravings...they aren't as intense as they were on Monday, but they are definitely still there. I also got my walk in yesterday, and I did a short walk today but also a bike ride. The last time I did that bike ride it was definitely easier, I'm getting out of shape and I don't like that. I did run for a ways at the end of my walk today, just for the hell of it. I was a little out of breath afterward, more than I think I should have been after a short distance. All the more motivation to keep at it tho, I'm going to keep working at it and get back in shape!

Earned 5 APs yesterday: 80 min brisk walking

Earned 6 APs today: 30 min brisk walking, 60 min cycling

So much potential

I'm feeling a lot less edgy tonight, although I'm not sure how much of it is due to having a very large supper meal instead of actually seeing a reduction in the cravings I've been feeling so badly. I hadn't intended to have such a big meal, but my dinner meal got waylaid because of unexpected plans happening, and I was really hungry and had points to make up. Big meal or not, I do not feel stuffed, I just feel satisfied. It was be easy for me to eat more if I wanted, and that is what bugs me, I really wish I could get away with eating less food. But right now I will settle for feeling calm; I don't feel restless and distracted like I did last night, I feel relaxed and quiet and I'm much encouraged. I felt different today when I got up, I felt more focussed, and I hoped it was a sign that I'm settling down some and starting to get back into my groove. I went for a river walk early today to avoid the rain, and I was reminded that during this time of the year earlier is preferable because most people are working and I have the path mostly to myself compared to later in the day. My legs ached the whole time, but I did my best to keep my usual brisk pace. I want so much to start taking off some of this weight that I am determined to get the exercise in. I bet even in just a couple of weeks I will feel better that I had been lately.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking