Stillness of a different quality

I woke up today wanting to lift, but I ended the day not having done it. I got caught up with doing stuff on the comp, and the next thing I knew the afternoon was gone and I had to get my walk in before dark. I want to have enough time to go over what exercises I will do in my new regime, as I'm still not exactly sure which ones I will be using. I also have one of those swiss balls or whatever they're called, but I've not had a chance to use it yet, and I want to puruse the DVD that came with it.

In the end, I'm not disappointed that I didn't actually lift, but instead I'm thrilled that I wanted to. Today was a great day, I felt focussed and in control. I had cravings and such, but I was able to stay strong without having to struggle to do so. I love feeling like I am getting my mojo back, I want to see the scale moving down again, and I want to end my days happy with the choices I made.

The thought ocurred to me while I was walking this evening that even tho I put about 15 lbs back on again, there were still some positives to the last few months and the time I spent off plan. The last year I've been literally almost constantly preoccupied with losing weight, to the point of obsession. I knew that I was obsessed, but I chose to just go with it because I also knew it was a temporay thing. My main goal was to lose as much as I could before my trip home in July, it had never been my intention to maintain that kind of intensity forever. Nonetheless, despite knowing I was working toward an end point and was not meaning to go on as I was indefinitely, I was still left out of sorts and directionless after I got back from my trip. I never really thought too specifically about what came after, and as a result I really struggled when I tried to find a groove to get back into. It of course did not help that I had spent two weeks not tracking, eating various foods, and not exercising. The consequences were that I ended up slipping completely off plan, but in getting back on track I am finding that I am no longer obsessed with losing weight, and that somewhere in the last few months I have adjusted to being in this new body. It's starting to feel natural and more real to me than it did before the trip. I still want to lose more weight and get to my goal, but it's not consuming my every waking thought, it's not a constant worry. The race is over, so to speak, now that the trip is done, and I'm not feeling pressured by time. Now is where I need to settle more into a lifestyle, and find a routine and a groove that will work for me for now on. It's almost as tho I need to prepare to maintain, even tho I had a ways to go before I reach goal. Despite not being OP the past couple of months, I still think I learned some things about what it is like to just live this lifestyle without constantly thinking about it. It gave me a chance to think about other things and get some distance from the frenzied obsessed me I had been for the past year. I've had my struggles in getting back on track the past week or two, but I am enjoying the sense of calm I am feeling right now. I want to get more of my focus, but I also want to maintain this sense of calm, and to refrain from becoming obsessed all over again. I knew that was temporary, so let now be about finding a new headspace that I can embrace and go forward with.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

You know I love you baby please don't go

I had a busy day but a good one. I did housework and laundry and my comp work and got a river walk in, and J took me shopping so I was able to stock up on things I needed. It's always a nice feeling to have the fridge full of healthy freggies and the cupboards stocked with things I like to cook with. The bill is NEVER nice, but unfortunately that part can't be avoided. I often wish food was free, but I suppose that would cause a lot more problems, still I wish certain healthy foods were cheaper. I started to say I wish they were cheaper than certain junk foods, but I deleted that because I thought back over the past couple months when I was eating off plan a lot, and to be honest I was paying more for the types of food I was eating then than I do when I'm eating OP. That's something to keep in mind, especially these days when I have no income.

But never mind that, the point is that I was able to do a proper shopping trip for the first time in a very long time, and it's nice knowing I have what I need right now without having to plan my meals around what I don't have in stock, or knowing I have to go shopping before I can make something. That's fine in the summer months, but the weather is starting to get cold and wet and I would prefer not to shop day to day like I often do in the warm months.

J was also kind enough to take me to Chapters so I could get the 10th and 11th books of the Sword of Truth series, and I am in an absolute lather over burrowing into them as soon as I can. I want to try and portion them out so that I don't binge on them and make them end too soon, but it will be difficult! I had the thought that I should make reading a reward for getting my work or particularly my exercise done, the same way I have saved my Angel DVDs to only watch when I exercise. It will kill two birds and will help me reach goal in the meantime.

We ate out for supper, which I thought was a possibility and had so saved my points and made extra sure I got activity in. I had no idea where we would go however, so I wasn't able to plan my meal, but I did track it when I got home. I did really well, but I did go into the flexies again, which is something I have wanted to avoid this week, but I didn't go in by much. I had the chicken fajitas and they were soo tastey. I also said not to bring the guacamole, sour cream, tomatoe-bean filler, and to instead give me some salsa and hot sauce to use as my accessories. I also asked them to half the cheese portion; normally I would have said to nix the cheese as well, but I needed a second dairy portion and was in the mood for cheese. I love cheese but rarely like using the points for it, I prefer bulk where I can get it. All in all I call the day a success. Here's to another successful day tomorrow!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

I used to have a brain

I'm not much use right now, I'm not falling asleep sitting up or anything, but I'm in that zoned-out staring at things while waiting for words to come to me but none do headspace, which is always fun. I left mid-afternoon yesterday for a party in the country, and I didn't get home till late this afternoon. It's a good thing I saved all my flexies and got all that activity in this week because I partied HARD. I had my first drink at about 3:30pm yesterday and we didn't stop till about 5:00 this morning. The party was the yearly get together for a bunch of people who work at putting off fireworks shows, and they do their own fireworks display for the party. I spent the weekend with a bunch of people who get off on blowing shit up, and I had the time of my life. There was constantly things being set off everywhere, and I became used to being startled out of my wits constantly. I've always loved fireworks since I was young so being able to go to this party was an incredible treat for me. I had so much fun that I didn't restrict myself when it came to the food, and I just ate what I wanted to eat instead of making careful choices. I did try to not eat too much since I was not making healthy choices, but I still ate a fair bit (tho not as much as I could have, or wanted to), and later in the night I did have some of the desserts. Throw in all the booze plus the breakfast they made for us this morning and definitely NOT and OP weekend, but there it is. I'm not worried and I don't feel like I blew it or anything. It's not very often I find myself in situations like that, so I'm not fretting. I could have done it differently but I don't regret it, and in the end that is the important thing. Back to OP business as usual tomorrow, counting my points and planning my meals and getting my activity in. I'm thinking I should probably completely avoid my flexies this upcoming week to try and offset this weekend. Despite all the off-plan eating and drinking over the past two days, I still actually feel really good tonight, I don't feel like this has set me back mentally in terms of getting my groove back. Of course I might not feel it till tomorrow, but I'm thinking that I'll be able to handle things without too much issue. Yes, I still want to lose more weight, but I'm not going to stop living, and I had a compelte blast this weekend, definitely one I'm going to remember for a very long time!

A quickie

I just wanted to do a quick update. I'm not at home so I didn't post last night. I'm still doing well, I've been eating OP and have been geting activity. I ate out for supper last night without having expected to be doing so, but I think I did really well with my choices. I also did really well today, tried a new healthy recipe, and cooked a healthy supper. I tried to balance everything out, and I'm pleased with my day, especially since I am still resisting cravings...they aren't as intense as they were on Monday, but they are definitely still there. I also got my walk in yesterday, and I did a short walk today but also a bike ride. The last time I did that bike ride it was definitely easier, I'm getting out of shape and I don't like that. I did run for a ways at the end of my walk today, just for the hell of it. I was a little out of breath afterward, more than I think I should have been after a short distance. All the more motivation to keep at it tho, I'm going to keep working at it and get back in shape!

Earned 5 APs yesterday: 80 min brisk walking

Earned 6 APs today: 30 min brisk walking, 60 min cycling

So much potential

I'm feeling a lot less edgy tonight, although I'm not sure how much of it is due to having a very large supper meal instead of actually seeing a reduction in the cravings I've been feeling so badly. I hadn't intended to have such a big meal, but my dinner meal got waylaid because of unexpected plans happening, and I was really hungry and had points to make up. Big meal or not, I do not feel stuffed, I just feel satisfied. It was be easy for me to eat more if I wanted, and that is what bugs me, I really wish I could get away with eating less food. But right now I will settle for feeling calm; I don't feel restless and distracted like I did last night, I feel relaxed and quiet and I'm much encouraged. I felt different today when I got up, I felt more focussed, and I hoped it was a sign that I'm settling down some and starting to get back into my groove. I went for a river walk early today to avoid the rain, and I was reminded that during this time of the year earlier is preferable because most people are working and I have the path mostly to myself compared to later in the day. My legs ached the whole time, but I did my best to keep my usual brisk pace. I want so much to start taking off some of this weight that I am determined to get the exercise in. I bet even in just a couple of weeks I will feel better that I had been lately.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Tomorrow we'll rise so we fight today

Another night where I'm almost but not quite biting my nails. I feel edgy and preoccupied and having to concentrate not to obsess about what I would like to eat. I was completely OP today and I'm happy for that, I'm just a little impatient for things to settle down and for it to get 'easy' again. I suppose there might have been lots of times last year when things were hard, but right now thinking back it just seems like it was all so easy compared to this. Maybe I need to look back over this journal and refresh my mind a bit, because I'm sure there must have been more times where I struggled than I am remembering right now. Funny how short term our memories can be, all the more reason to keep a journal and keep track of it.

I'm still having lots of cravings for various things, along with wanting to just feel full, plain and simple. I've avoided my FPs the past two days, and I am determined not to use them in normal meals, to account for times when I will be going out. As it happens, a friend called tonight and asked if I wanted to go to a party on Saturday, so it looks like I will be needing all those flexies plus all the will power I can muster, so that will help me continue to avoid them for the week, plus get some good exercise in.

Right now I'm torn between wanting to find that full feeling that I like after I eat (particularly the supper meal) and wanting to get used to eating smaller meals so that I can try to shrink my stomach up some. Now, I have never actually looked that up, but it was always something I have heard people say over the years, about how if they go a long time eating less, they find that it takes less food to make them feel like their stomach is full. I've stuffed myself with veggies and water over the months and got the full feeling while still losing weight, but there have been times when I've knocked about the idea of cutting back on that so that I don't have to eat so much food. I suppose that takes time and will power, and having to feel like I feel tonight; I'm not hungry per se, but I'm not feeling mentally satisfied because I am not full. Perhaps it is less about the stomach shrinking and more about getting used to not having that feelings and wanting it less, like getting cravings out of the system. But then, I'm not sure that this is the best time for me to consider such things, what with trying to get my eating under control again, and to get my mojo back. Part of me thinks I should just stick with what worked for me all last year, and wait until I'm settled down again before I start experimenting with portions and such. Maybe what I would need to do is to go the route of having 6 or 8 little meals over the day, so that I could get accustomed to never being full, but never actually being really hungry either. I just have my doubts about that working tho, because when I have split the same number of points into smaller portions throughout the day before I basically always ended the day feeling unsatisfied and/or hungry. But again, perhaps it's all a mind game. I don't know. It will bear more thinking about, perhaps I can research it and find out more about whether it is realistic to expect my stomach to shrink any amount to actually make a difference.

I got another river walk in today, and I want to exercise again tomorrow. The problem is that there is supposed to be rain, and I expect I might have to try and get some shopping done too. When I go out now I feel like people are staring at me because I look fat, and I feel like my neighbours are able to look at me and know I've gained weight and that everyone knows. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin right now, it is probably my biggest motivator to stay on track and to get the weight off that I have put back on. I want to go back to feeling proud of myself and happy with how I look. When I was walking today I found myself building up my determination to exercise regularly again and to consciously feel like I am actively taking off this weight. Eating is something we do a few times a day, so just making healthy choices doesn't always contribute to feeling like I am actually DOING something. When I exercise I feel like I am more in control, I suppose because I am doing something I don't have to do, but something I am choosing to do. I know every healthy meal is a choice, but it doesn't give me the same level of satisfaction that exercising does. I definitely need to get back in that headspace again, it will help me in so many ways to get my activity level up. Not only will the weight start coming off again, but I will feel better, stronger, more energetic, and I will feel more capable and in control of myself, and I desperately need that right now.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Nail-biting

Okay, well perhaps it wasn't quite as bad as all THAT, but things did get harder as the day went on. I felt okay when I woke up, but then out of the blue I would be hit with thoughts about food and what I would like to fill myself up with later on. Then I would be okay for a while, and them, bam, out of no where it would hit me again. I still managed okay, but as afternoon wore into evening I really started getting cravings, and the thoughts of what I actually had here to eat was not tempting me the slightest little bit. I came close to considering giving myself 'one more day' and to be perfect tomorrow to make up for it, but that is the kind of thinking that just creates and maintains the cycle of unleathy eating and binging, and I am relieved that I managed to keep my will power intact. I only wish I could have felt more satisfied after I finished supper, but unfortunately I am left wanting more and still battling cravings. When I was religiously OP I did not have to deal with feeling like this, and I'm trying to use it as motivation to stay OP strictly so that I can get it all out of my system and be able to be satisfied with my meals again. I want to go back to food being an afterthought, instead of my obsession.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

But I would not feel so all alone..everybody must get stoned

I am definitely not in a good way, I'm just not sure how much of a role hormones might be playing. I've very certainly been depressed, I just didn't feel it so much yesterday because I had company most of the day. I couldn't escape it today when I woke up wanting only for it to be night so I could go back to sleep. My first thoughts after that were of food and what I would like to eat for the day, none of it green or healthy in any sense. I know I had my down times over the past year, but I was On Plan and I was able to ride it out. It's so difficult to get back on track when I have no morale for anything right now. Despite how terrible I'm feeling I still had a few victories today. I stayed in bed half the day, and didn't want to get out, but eventually I forced myself out and got some cereal, then did my job search work. I'm glad of that, because that is the most important thing I need to do everyday. I did it thoroughly and only then did I allow myself to take a nice relaxing bath like I'd wanted to do. I also did some other things that needed to be done, and cleaned the kitchen. When I get depressed I usually let the housework go, so I'm happy that I'm keeping on top of the cleaning more or less. The bathroom needs a scrubbing again already, probably because I've been taking baths on top of the showers I normally have lately. I also did a few batches of baking tonight before I made supper, which needed to be done because my bananas were on the verge of going over and I'd been putting it off. I'll freeze what I made tonight and tomorrow I'll bake what's left to keep fo fresh. I went out shopping because I wanted to stock up on peppers while they were on sale, and I walked all around the store for a much longer time than was necessary, looking all the foods I wanted to buy, and particularly all the junk. I'd made up my mind to buy hamburgers and potatoe chips and cookies and ice cream, I'd had the brands and the types all picked out, but in the end I resisted, although I did end up buying some chocolate for dessert tonight, but all things considered I am still calling that one a victory. Things are so hard right now, everything seems so hard, maybe I should look back over my journal and remind myself a bit of how it was like before, because it feels like things were easy before but now everything is a struggle. I used to be so disciplined, I want to get that back and start feeling good again. I can't control the job or the money situation directly, this is the one thing I can actively control. It would do me good to feel like my efforts are resulting in tangible results for once, because for weeks now I've felt like I've been accomplishing a whole lot of nothing, despite all my effort.

Really love your peaches want to shake your tree

It was the epitome of a lazy, hedonistic day, but I had a rare opportunity I couldn't pass up. I was all turned about and upside down anyway, on account of I thought today was the last day of September and that October didn't get going till tomorrow. I didn't get any activity in today, but I also did not go out to buy junk food, like I was sorely tempted to do when I was craving chocolate so badly. I had bought some tiny adorable little baby pita breads and wanted to get some hummus, and was going to go out to the Arab market around the corner to search for some, but I knew if I went there I would go to the dollar store next to it and buy chocolate, so I attempted to make my own hummus instead, despite not having all the necessary ingredients on hand. I was terribly excited when I realised that I should be able to make hummus in the new food processor I bought, but I've had it a couple of months and haven't gotten around to trying it yet. I think mostly I was afraid it wouldn't work, but today seemed to warrent trying, and it worked like an absolute charm, I was utterly thrilled. And yes I ate way too much of it, but ultimately stuffing one's self with hummus is generally preferable over chocolate, so I'm going to call that one a victory and never mind the rest of it for now. It was another day where I woke up tired, and I am tired tonight, I think my body must be continuing to tell me that it is not happy with the state of things. I'd gotten so used to feeling good physically all the time that I'm not used to feeling icky constantly. But as M said to me, I know how to fix that. Now to get about doing that.