Wednesday

Turns out all the phone calls were coming from my ISP, wanting to let me know about a promotion. They started ringing me every 10 minutes like clockwork today, and I got vexed enough to turn on the ringer and pick up to find out what the heck they were being so insistent about. I had been amusing myself trying to see how long they would keep it up, but finally realised it probably wasn't a person doing the dialing anyway. When the telemarketer started talking, I didn't even let her get going, told her what I thought of them ringing every 10 minutes, and said I wasn't interested in hearing about her promotion. I wasn't rude, but I also wasn't going to listen out of politeness. Screw that, I'm not rewarding their idiocy. I got caught up in trying to figure out a program on the comp, and lost a lot of time today I had planned to be doing other things, so I never got in as much exercise as I usually do. Looks like I'll be short some this week. I had been contemplating maybe doing a bit now before bed, but I just got some worrying news from a friend, and I don't have the morale. Early rise, so bed for me.

Earned 14 APs today: 115 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

Tuesday

...and very much a Tuesday. such a hectic day at work, one of two busiest days of the week. I was aggravated because we had to open without our department being ready, and I hate being unprepared for customers. There was an open house with the district manager, and I was feeling hostile and angry and not wanting to contribute, but in the end I did, because he seemed like a nice chap. I got some one on one time with he and his colleague afterward, to talk about some things I didn't want aired in front of coworkers, particularly my feedback about the store manager. They were very attentive and appreciative and informative, and it was definitely a positive experience. Too bad the day was so chaotic for me, I would have been more enthused about it. He came right out and said that when I came into the room I had seemed very ticked off. I hope I get to talk to him again, I did like him. Poor D had to wait forever so we could leave, especially since we had to sort out me getting the box set of Angel, which we released today and was on sale. D paid for it since my funds are nonexistent, and he had some store credit he wasn't using, so this way I got it while it was on sale, while neither of us are technically out any money, so he won't be in a hurry for me to pay him back. I will pay him back when I get my gift money from the family. Maybe I should save it till the holidays so it will be more of a present. I don't know if I am that disciplined. But, then again, I think I am showing myself I can be very disciplined. Well, maybe not today. Didn't get any exercise in, but it was almost 7 by the time I got home, and I had some things to do and still needed supper, so nothing today, will have to put more effort in the rest of the week to make up for it. Tis bed for me now, shortly, I really don't want to throw my schedule off if I can help it. I'm not working tomorrow, but I have to be up early for work on Thursday and Friday, and I have all morning shifts next week too it seems, so keeping the routine will only help me. I love having a routine! Hooray for routines!!

Oh, the humanity!

Okay, someone keeps calling me, but they won't talk to the machine so I don't know who it is. I screen my calls, and anyone who knows me should be aware of that. I'm not in the mood to turn on the ringer and grab it next time, if they want to be silly, then let them stew in their own juices. I did *69 once because I was curious, and got an 800 number. Don't know if that was the same person who has been calling all the other times. I'm not too bothered, really. I'm tired and not in the mood for people tonight. It's been a long day, and my legs are tired, and my back is aching. My back is not really improving, and if I even just trail my fingers over that one place, it still hurts, even without pressing on it. I thought it was a strained muscle, but I would think a strain would be better by now. SBG mentioned it is maybe a pinched nerve or some such. I don't know what it is, I just wish it would get better. It is really a huge bother, being in pain all the time from it. I had a good day at work, save for a customer who called the manager to complain about me. I was really upset until I found out which customer, and then I didn't let it upset me, really. She was rather a bitch if she got that upset when I apologized and told her I couldn't hang on the phone while she put me on hold to take another call. What did she expect, she calls and asks me questions then expects me to stand there and wait while she has another conversation, and ignore the two customers who were standing there waiting for me to help them? Whatever, chicky. I told the manager what had happened, and that I had been polite when I told her I couldn't wait on hold and that I also apologised for it. He didn't come down on me, simply said that these things happen, and that next time take the name and number and say I will call back. I told him I would have if I had got the chance, but as soon as I said I couldn't she said, that's okay, I'll just call another store! and the conversation was over. Oh, the joys of customer service; you truly meet all manner of humanity, and unfortunately you have to be nice to all of them, whether or not they deserve it! Reminds me of something that happened a few days ago, I had gone to the dollar store to pick up some plastic containers for storing things in the fridge. I also wanted a bigger plastic container for taking salads to work. The one that suited was 3 dollars instead of 1, but I decided I would get it anyway, because I would make very good use of it. After I'd paid, I was thinking the total was lower than it should have been, and I was halfway home before I realised she had charged me only 1 dollar instead of 3. And so the other day when I was in the area, I went in and told the cashier that I had been undercharged on my last visit, and handed over the difference. He never even said thank you! He just looked at me for a few long moments, then put the money in the till, then watched me leave. The store is owned by a family, and this was someone different than I'm used to seeing there, but I sure had thought whoever it was would have thanked me. I never let that upset me either. I just started laughing when I left the store. People, let me tell you!

Earned 7 Aps today: 90 min brisk walking

Sunday night

Nothing much to say tonight, was a typical Sunday for me; exercise and football. I was awake before the sun again, and I'm very pleased with how I did a fair attempt of staying on schedule this weekend. It is odd to sleep as much as I want, and to wake up and it is still dark. Was a goodly portion of my life that I probably wouldn't even have been asleep yet, normally. I did some work and got a river walk in before dinner, so I could watch the two afternoon games. I did housework during lulls in the Lions-Bears game, wanting to be able to pay attention to the Pats-Skins game, but unfortunately that turned out to be a big disappointment. I had been hoping for a competitive game, but it was a blowout instead. At least my babies won today, tho I didn't get the see the game. Normally I would be watching the Sunday night game, but as it is I need to get to bed soon, so I can be up for work in the morning. Disappointments aside, it was a productive, successful day for me, and I am happy with it.

Earned 12 APs today: 90 min brisk walking, 60 min free weights

A bit of a surprise

I had a bit of a lie in this morning, didn't wake up till 6:30am. I find it rather marvelous that I actually went to bed at 8:30 and woke up so early on the weekend. My life is so different than it had been in a few very fundamental ways. I was also very happy to see when the scale told me I was showing as less than last week, and that I could claim a loss of 1.6 lbs this week after all. I think my digestion has been off, I know I felt very swollen and bloated yesterday. I am just happy the scale is still going down. Another important milestone for me, this puts me at 40.2 lbs lost in 3 months and 3 weeks, and I am quite pleased. Tonight I had a moment of imagining what it will be like to see my family, not having told them what I am up to. It is truly my biggest motivator, and something I like to think on often. It helps to create excitement, when it is hard to notice changes in the mirror because everything is so gradual. I was so happy to see the scale that I felt like dancing, and did an hour of DDR right afterward to release my excited energy. It was raining most of the day, so I didn't get a river walk in, but all is well, tomorrow is supposed to be sunny. I rented the the Harry Potter movies I don't have on DVD this afternoon, and had planned to have a Harry Potter marathon, but by the time I worked in my exercise, a healthy supper, and factored in getting to bed at a decent hour, there just wasn't enough time. I love that I have made such things a priority, and that other things like watching movies, chatting, or socializing (also turned down an invitation from a friend) are not allowed to take away from the things that I have deemed important to me and my new lifestyle. Things are going well.

Earned 7 APs today: 20 min brisk walking, 60 min DDR

Friday night

It's very quiet here tonight. I was up at 4:30 this morning, and got home about 12 hours later. Work was okay today, it is always terribly busy on Friday, and I like having 3 1/2 hours before the store opens to work without distraction. D is so much fun to be around that sometimes it hardly seems like work. Then of course we have to start dealing with customers, and everything gets hectic. I can't imagine what things will be like when the Christmas rush starts! I tied to have good chats with the customers today, and while it was hard at times, at least my supervisor noticed I was making an effort to engage them and to work on the areas I'm not so strong in. There was cake for a coworker who is leaving us, but I managed to avoid the gathering by having to stay on the floor, and later ignored the cake when I was in the lunch room to get my things at shift end. I've been having to deal with the urge to eat things I want lately, more so than usual. I imagine it is the stress I've been under. I find myself thinking about how I would love to just eat what I want to eat, and to eat a lot of it. But I ignore the thoughts and think about something else. I've also been craving greasy food; when coworkers come in with McDonald's to eat, the smell of it almost drives me to distraction lately, but I ignore that too. It's amazing when I stop to think now just how long it has been since I have eaten greasy, fattening food in liberal amounts. It has actually been months, not just days or weeks. This is not a fad or a trend or a kick, this is how I am living. I am maintaining the same level of committment right now that I had on the first day I started. I had some days this week where I did not get all the requirements of the guidelines in, but I have still not eaten outside my points, and I have 28 of my Flex points left for the week. I have earned 43 APs so far. Most importantly, I have exercised a higher level of discipline the past two weeks during a time when following the plan is now as easy as it normally is for me, on account of being moody and not wanting to eat, or else having cravings to eat lots of food that would blow a whole day's points plus the week's FPs in one sitting, and more! The scale is showing me as up all week, and it looks like I will be showing a gain for my WI tomorrow, and I am disappointed, but it is to be expected. I need to buckle down and remember as I am possibly entering a new phase of my weight loss that I am in this for the long haul, and that no matter what the scale is doing, that I maintain my level of discipline. Losing weight is easy in the beginning, and I've tried to remember that surely as the sun will rise tomorrow, that it will get a lot harder, and that every pound will be a struggle. Keeping motivated when the pounds are falling off is not much of a trick; staying motivated when the going gets rough is the real test. I am determined to do this!

Earned 5 APs today: 60 min free weights

Thursday night

I don't have much to say tonight. It was a long day at work, and as soon as I came home, I went for a river walk, then came home and set about making supper and making lunch for tomorrow. My back is aching tonight; I did something bad to it, exercising, and have only been making it worse. I stopped doing the exercise I believe caused it, but I can't not work, and today's efforts seemed to have only aggravated it more. It seems like I am in some sort of pain all the time now, and I don't much like it. I have a lot of pain in my neck and shoulders, and I'm not sure what is causing it. I think I carry my tension there, and I try to keep from doing it, but I can't seem to stop. Things are certainly tense for me lately, so I guess it is not entirelly my fault. Another long day tomorrow, I hope I feel rested enough to tackle it, it is the busiest day of the week for us, and it is my last day. If it gets rough, I will try to remind myself that I will have two days off afterward to look forward to. I do enjoy weekends off. I've been up all week, and I don't know yet if I have finally hit a plateau, or if there is something about the ampount of food I am eating or the amount of exercise I am doing that is contributing. I am trying to figure out if I need to eat more or less, but it is hard to know what to do. I do know I want to see the scale moving downward again. Hopefully I will have a loss this week, I would like that very much.

Earned 7 APs today: 85 min brisk walking.

Runnin' late

Oops! I really thought I managed to get my exercise done in a timely manner tonight, but it is later than it was the other night when I had to be in bed early on account of work. I think when I get started on things early, I more a lot more slowly because I don't have to rush, and end up only being farther behind than I would have been othewise! Definitely something else I have to work on. I felt better today, more motivated. I read a good thread on the WW boards about the positive changes people have seen after losing 50 lbs, and it really started my day off on a good note, thinking about my own life and the good things I have in store for me. I went for a walk, and the weather was so cool and wonderful that I couldn't find it in me to worry about anything. I hope tomorrow is not too tiring, would be nice to get another river walk in when I get home from work. Well, bed for me shortly...5:30am comes too quickly!

Earned 18 APs today: 105 minutes brisk walking, 60 min free weights, 60 min DDR.

My reasons

I've been struggling a little lately, one of the rare times I have since I started. I'm under stress at work, and going through some stuff there. It's been a little hard the past few days to find energy and morale, and I think this is a marvelous time for me to remind myself why I want this and why I have been working so hard. Back early on, I sat down and made a list off the top of my head of what I wanted to get out of this, and I think this is a good day to revisit my list.

My reasons for wanting to lose weight (in no particular order):

I want to look in the mirror and smile.
I want to love myself.
I want to feel attractive and sexy.
I want to see that I can (and do!) have control over my life.
I want to hold my head high.
I want to be proud.
I want to look at thin girls and not hang my head/avert my eyes
I want to feel comfortable when I'm out in public.
I want to not feel that people are talking about me in a negative way.
I want to not feel that people are disgusted when they look at me.
I want to stop constantly being self-conscious about my body.
I want to be able to lose myself in the moment.
I want to stop wondering about what life would be like if I were thin.
I want to feel at ease in my own skin and the space I occupy in this world.
I want to stop feeling so wistful when I look at thin girls.
I want to lose the sense of self-loathing I feel when I think about how I have created my reality.
I want to make my mum and my family proud.
I want to not stand out so much wherever I go.
I want to feel like I can do anything.
I want people to stop blaming me.
I want to stop blaming myself.
I want to stop thinking about how it's my fault.
I want to experience what it's like.
I want to shop for clothes and not feel dread/shame/embarrassment/self-loathing/wistfullness/hate/helplessness.
I want to feel normal.
I want to be meet the parts of my body I have not met yet.
I want to stop feeling disapproval from everyone around me.
I want to look forward to people seeing/meeting me for the first time.
I want to fit in.
I want to walk without my thighs rubbing together.
I want to do what I want and not feel so constrained.
I want to stop worrying so much.
I want to like who I am on the outside the same as on the inside.
I want to feel I have accomplished something big.
I want to stop feeling like a failure.
I want to stop feeling like there's a spotlight on me.
I want to be able to eat in public without anxiety.
I want to exercise without feeling like I'm going to collapse.
I want to sit on the bus/plane and not feel so self-conscious.
I want to stop blaming it on my weight.
I want to make my dream come true.
I want to be able to be naked in front of someone and not be mortified with myself.
I want to be able to be naked in front of me and not be mortified!
I want to have more energy.
I want to not sweat so much.
I want to wear nice (sexy!) clothes.
I want to pay less.
I want to do more.
I want to dance without fear, and feel sexy while I do.
I want I want to love life.
I want to live longer.
I want to have more opportunities.
I want to eat without feeling guilty.
I want to not hold back.
I want to stop feeling envious.
I want to stop feeling jealousy.
I want to stop feeling hate.
I want to stop wondering.
I want to believe in me.
I want to have faith.
I want to show him what he's missing.

Earned 7 APs today: 20 min brisk walking, 60 min DDR

it's a start

I made a committment to start journalling everyday. I don't expect to be able to say everything I might want to, each time. I'm used to making less frequent, longer entries, but with work and my new lifestyle, if I want to post every day, I will have to get used to saying less due to not always having the time to get too introspective. Tonight I am completely weary, having been up before dawn to get ready for work, and not having got to bed at a proper time last night. I earned 18 APs yesterday tho, on account of it being Sunday, and liking to do extra on the day I always have off. I should have managed my time better tho; if I wanted to fit all that exercise in, I should have been more mindful of getting it done earlier, leaving me free to have supper early enough to get to bed on time. That is something I will also need to work harder on. I put some effort tonight, and I will be able to get to bed at a decent time, and hopefully catch up. Up before dawn again tomorrow, although I do so enjoy being able to get work out of the way and have time to come home and exercise in the daylight. I do like getting my river walk in!

Earned 6 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

There once was a girl named delle..

..who had been overweight for as long as she could remember.

I call myself codelle, I'm currently 28 and live in Ontario. Is that my real name? No, it is not. I keep my identity private, mostly because I am keeping my weightloss journey a secret from my family, and I don't want them to find out about it before I choose to reveal it to them. Not using my real name doesn't mean that anything I say is not the complete and utter truth.

I've started this blog because it is important to me to start tracking my weightloss journey. I've already come so far and I feel that the experiences and thoughts I am having are worth recording, to look back on later. I have a strong interest in being able to look back on where I have come from, and in remembering as much as I can about the experiences I have had. I better understand the person I am now by comparing who I have become to who I was. Sometimes we only recognise change through the process of comparison.

I've not had an easy life, nor a particularly happy one. At the same time, I have much to be thankful for, and many good memories. I've been overweight more or less my whole life, but I have still have friends and people who care about me for who I am. Most of my misery has not come from without, from how people treat me, but from within myself, from my perceptions of myself and the people around me. Just as I have been overweight as long as I can remember, I have also carried within me the longing to change, to look different, to be someone else. For all of my troubled teen years I believed that being thin would result in being happy. As I entered my 20s, however, I came to realise that happiness should not be dependent on the shape of my body, and that even if I were to drop 100 lbs, I would still carry many of the issues that were contributing to my unhappiness and depression. I started to accept that it was my lot to be overweight, and to work on being as happy as I could be in spite of it. It was not an easy or a short process, and it has taken me years to get to a point where I am comfortable with who I am, and to not only tolerate myself, but to actually like me for me. Instead of viewing weightloss as the solution to my problems, I adopted the view that I should solve my problems before I tackle the weightloss. Finally, some 3-odd months ago, I realised the time was right for me to finally start working on the outside of me, after all the years I have spent working on the inside. No, my life isn't perfect, and I still have issues, but I think it is unrealistic to think I will ever get to a point where my life is perfect. It is normal that we have some issues to work on, and things we want to change. As we live, we grow and change and develop. I have come a long way, and now it is time to see how things will change for me as I work on becoming a thinner, healthier me!