I have very little to say tonight. It was another day that ended up being different than I had expected it to be. I had a couple of errends I wanted to run, but the weather didn't cooperate. I ended up getting taken out for supper, and I ate what I pleased, but it felt like a last hurrah, so whatever. As of this moment there is no junk food left in my house, and that will not change unless I buy more. I've been tired much of the day, but tonight I've felt weird, alert and within myself at the same time. I've been making a classic rock playlist and really grooving to the music. I want to be up early tomorrow tho, so I think I will turn off the music and read for a while to try and come down. I spent hours today doing job search stuff and I'm really happy about that; it's tedious and frustrating and depressing and it always gives me a headache and I loathe doing it, so every moment I make myself stick through it is an accomplishment in my eyes. The weather might not cooperate in the next few days any more than it did today, but I want to start exercising again, I'm thinking I'll try to make an activity goal for Oct to get some sort of activity in every day. I can't believe the summer is gone...unbelievable. Strange to think where I was a year ago...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Feels like I'm starting all over again
When I heard that line in a song this afternoon it made me pause. I'm not necessarily back where I was when I started all of this, but in so many ways I have to find that mentality I had when I started, and tackle things the same way.
I've gotten so far off track sometimes I almost get in a cold sweat over it...almost.
But fortunately, I know that I have the ability to live the type of lifestyle I've aimed for, the one I've strived so hard to achieve. I've strayed away from the behaviours I've tried so hard to turn into habits, but that's the thing with a lifestyle...it's still there for you even if you don't live it perfectly. It doesn't disappear in a puff of smoke, and it doesn't become suddenly off limits or Members Only.
I've been struggling in a way I've not had to deal with since starting WW, and worst of all I've been handling my problems in ways I'd truly hoped I've overcome. I've allowed food to become a constant comfort to me again, and I've stopped tracking or eating On Plan. Today was the first time in a a few weeks that I had even logged onto the WW website, let alone put effort into tracking my foods.
I've fallen into the mind trap of justifying what I've been doing, and I know that if I don't put the brakes on, I will start losing ground quickly and start making my way back to where I was when I started.
The worst thing I have fallen into doing the past couple of weeks has been to let my mind gloss over my behaviours, and to not think about them. I've also not talked about them here or on the WW boards or with friends, unconsciously falling into the 'if no one knows, it's not actually happening' trap. I am an old hand at that one, and I've learned to my regret over the years that I have an avoidant personality when it comes to dealing with problems. I withdraw into myself and I hide from everyone. And I also know that it is ever so much easier to fall into a pit of trouble you could have avoided when you isolate yourself and avoid looking your problems in the face. I've been doing that with my eating habits; a month ago my eating choices were poor, but very conscious, and I was willing to make them knowing I was also choosing to make it temporary. Since then however I've quickly slipped into deliberate ignorance, and have been choosing not to think about what I've been doing too much, or to look to closely at the consequences.
A month ago I was doing better, and I was starting to get back into a routine. After my trip home, everything in my life got turned upside down, and for the first time since starting WW I was completely out of my comfort zone. I knew what was happening and was striving to get my routine back and to create a new source of motivation or focus for myself.
Then a bunch of life happened. Go figure, huh?
I committed to a relationship that went pretty quickly into self-destruct mode, but not before it seriously messed me up mentally and emotionally. I've worked so hard to be healthy, not only in terms of my efforts over the last year to be healthy in the physical sense, but also in terms of my efforts of the years before to be healthy both emotionally and mentally. I've said along the way that my weight loss journey was so smooth for me mostly because I waited until I was in a good place mentally before I started. I felt good about me, I'd developed a strong sense of self and of self-esteem. I did not need to be thin to feel good about myself, I felt good about myself as I was. I felt I had worth, even if I was not perfect or did not look the way I prefered.
It is astonishing how very quickly a person can destroy all your careful efforts, and in such a short amount of time tear your self-esteem to shreds and utterly defile your sense of self worth.
The only good thing is that I got out of it before I could be truly damaged. The bad thing is that there was an enormous amount of emotional fallout. If I had been on my A-game when it had happened, then things might have turned out differently, but I was already struggling when it all went down, and I was simply incapable of exerting the will power and focus I needed to get back on track when I had already been finding it so hard to do so.
I needed time to grieve and to heal enough so that I could start to get my life sorted out again. I gave myself some time and didn't beat myself up, and that was okay, but just when I was starting to feel like I could start getting myself back on track, my work situation also went into self-destruct, and the next thing I know I'm without a job.
Things at work had been incredibly stressful and unstable ever since I got back from NFLD. Again I found myself faced with a situation where I was being made to feel worthless, that I was to blame for things I had not done, and that I had reason to be ashamed of myself, my actions, and who I am. Most of me knew I was being treated and judged horribly unfairly, but I have such a strong work ethic, and I am such a perfectionist, that I kept trying to jump through their impossible hoops, because I could not bear the thought of failing at something, especially something as important as my job. That this job was not my chosen career, and that I didn't feel anything for it other than how I feel about any job or task I undertake was not the issue. I let myself get caught up in trying to succeed that I really lost sight of the fact that they were not making it possible for me to succeed, and more importantly, that my whole life had turned into trying to please people for whom I had no respect, and that I had placed the utmost importance upon trying to please them. I was constantly feeling the strain of it, I worried constantly, both at work and away, I was having regular anxiety dreams and even nightmares, and I was unhappy much of the time. But I let it go on because I couldn't tolerate the thought of 'failing', and the prospect of being without a job terrified me.
But no matter how I tried to make things right, the situation couldn't continue as it was, and it only worsened until finally I was forced to see things for how they really were. I think it was the destruction of the unhealthy relationship mere days before that made me finally see what was really happening, how these people were attacking my feelings of efficacy and worth, and how they were making me doubt myself and my abilities and my behaviours and the type of person I am. I realised that to continue to try and change their minds (when they were so fiercely determined to think as they would) was admiting the possibility that they were right, putting truth to the hurtful and disparaging things those few people were saying about me, people who had their own agendas, and who don't know me at all. I realised that it was more than trying to hold onto a job because I needed the income, it was about protecting myself and my health, and not being able to take it any more. To stay working there would have been as damaging to me as it would be to eat poison every day. I did the only thing that made sense, and I walked away.
Of course, no matter how I felt about preserving my mental and emotional health, not to mention my dignity, I fell apart in a major way after quitting my job the way I did. That whole weekend I was a walking basket case, an absolute and complete emotional wreck. I was in a constant state of panic and horror and fear and hurt over the whole situation. It still felt like failure, no matter what the truth of it was, and it took me days to calm down.
I've been having to focus more on putting one foot in front of the other and less on counting points. That is to be understood, but enough time has passed that it's become less about needing time to get my head together and more about just getting decadent and lazy and falling into old habits. I'm getting dependent on food again to regulate my mood. I am feeling so poor emotionally from day to day that I am using food as my comfort and my fix. I can't control the things that are making me feel so wretched, so I'm turning my focus onto food instead and am letting myself put too much importance on it.
The positive is that I see what is happening and I have the power to keep this from setting me any farther back. I can start to turn things around again, if I want to.
I'm terrified of getting big again. I know I've gained weight and I hate it. I hate imagining myself putting on more and more weight. I hate the thought of losing everything I have achieved.
In the end, it's this fear that will help me, because I am going to use this as my motivation to get back on track. I do not want to gain any more weight. I do not want to go back to my old ways. I want to be healthy and happy.
I have been feeling so lethargic and icky lately, and while my stress level will contribute, the binging and the lack of exercise will be playing a large part. I'm tired so much of the time, and I feel down a lot. That is to be expected seeing what I am going through, BUT...if I was eating well and getting my activity, I know without a doubt that I would feel better than I do now, even if I did not feel necessarily 'good'.
I've been binging to try and feel better. But what will make me truly feel better is to get my proper nutrients, to not feel full to the point of feeling sick, to start getting my activity in again, to start building my muscle again and feel strong, to feel like I am living the lifestyle I have chosen for myself, to feel like I am working toward my goals, and to stop gaining weight and to start taking it off again. These are the things that will make me feel better, and I need to remind myself of that when I am tempted to binge.
I need to take small steps, and set myself up to succeed. I logged onto the WW boards today and posted a daily OP thread. I said my goal for today was to make a journal entry here tonight. This was a big first step for me because it means I am being publically accountable for where I am right now and what I've been doing. Being accountable is the first step. I am going to continue that tomorrow by starting to track my food again. I will keep posting in an OP thread, and I will keep journalling here.
I know how to do this, that is the beauty of it. I have proven that to myself. Now my challenge is to do this when things are hard. It is easy to succeed when things are easy, and I wondered along the way how I would fare when things got hard. I'm still unemployed and things are difficult and the money situation is bad, but this is my chance to show myself that I am capable of maintaining my lifestyle and my goals even when things get truly difficult. This is an opportunity for me to prevent a backslide, and to learn new skills I will need for my life ahead, because if I have learned nothing else in my years on this planet, I have learned that the world keeps turning, and that it doesn't stop for the likes of you or I. Life happened, and life will happen again, as surely as the sun will set tonight and rise tomorrow. What's important is how we handle it when it does.
I've gotten so far off track sometimes I almost get in a cold sweat over it...almost.
But fortunately, I know that I have the ability to live the type of lifestyle I've aimed for, the one I've strived so hard to achieve. I've strayed away from the behaviours I've tried so hard to turn into habits, but that's the thing with a lifestyle...it's still there for you even if you don't live it perfectly. It doesn't disappear in a puff of smoke, and it doesn't become suddenly off limits or Members Only.
I've been struggling in a way I've not had to deal with since starting WW, and worst of all I've been handling my problems in ways I'd truly hoped I've overcome. I've allowed food to become a constant comfort to me again, and I've stopped tracking or eating On Plan. Today was the first time in a a few weeks that I had even logged onto the WW website, let alone put effort into tracking my foods.
I've fallen into the mind trap of justifying what I've been doing, and I know that if I don't put the brakes on, I will start losing ground quickly and start making my way back to where I was when I started.
The worst thing I have fallen into doing the past couple of weeks has been to let my mind gloss over my behaviours, and to not think about them. I've also not talked about them here or on the WW boards or with friends, unconsciously falling into the 'if no one knows, it's not actually happening' trap. I am an old hand at that one, and I've learned to my regret over the years that I have an avoidant personality when it comes to dealing with problems. I withdraw into myself and I hide from everyone. And I also know that it is ever so much easier to fall into a pit of trouble you could have avoided when you isolate yourself and avoid looking your problems in the face. I've been doing that with my eating habits; a month ago my eating choices were poor, but very conscious, and I was willing to make them knowing I was also choosing to make it temporary. Since then however I've quickly slipped into deliberate ignorance, and have been choosing not to think about what I've been doing too much, or to look to closely at the consequences.
A month ago I was doing better, and I was starting to get back into a routine. After my trip home, everything in my life got turned upside down, and for the first time since starting WW I was completely out of my comfort zone. I knew what was happening and was striving to get my routine back and to create a new source of motivation or focus for myself.
Then a bunch of life happened. Go figure, huh?
I committed to a relationship that went pretty quickly into self-destruct mode, but not before it seriously messed me up mentally and emotionally. I've worked so hard to be healthy, not only in terms of my efforts over the last year to be healthy in the physical sense, but also in terms of my efforts of the years before to be healthy both emotionally and mentally. I've said along the way that my weight loss journey was so smooth for me mostly because I waited until I was in a good place mentally before I started. I felt good about me, I'd developed a strong sense of self and of self-esteem. I did not need to be thin to feel good about myself, I felt good about myself as I was. I felt I had worth, even if I was not perfect or did not look the way I prefered.
It is astonishing how very quickly a person can destroy all your careful efforts, and in such a short amount of time tear your self-esteem to shreds and utterly defile your sense of self worth.
The only good thing is that I got out of it before I could be truly damaged. The bad thing is that there was an enormous amount of emotional fallout. If I had been on my A-game when it had happened, then things might have turned out differently, but I was already struggling when it all went down, and I was simply incapable of exerting the will power and focus I needed to get back on track when I had already been finding it so hard to do so.
I needed time to grieve and to heal enough so that I could start to get my life sorted out again. I gave myself some time and didn't beat myself up, and that was okay, but just when I was starting to feel like I could start getting myself back on track, my work situation also went into self-destruct, and the next thing I know I'm without a job.
Things at work had been incredibly stressful and unstable ever since I got back from NFLD. Again I found myself faced with a situation where I was being made to feel worthless, that I was to blame for things I had not done, and that I had reason to be ashamed of myself, my actions, and who I am. Most of me knew I was being treated and judged horribly unfairly, but I have such a strong work ethic, and I am such a perfectionist, that I kept trying to jump through their impossible hoops, because I could not bear the thought of failing at something, especially something as important as my job. That this job was not my chosen career, and that I didn't feel anything for it other than how I feel about any job or task I undertake was not the issue. I let myself get caught up in trying to succeed that I really lost sight of the fact that they were not making it possible for me to succeed, and more importantly, that my whole life had turned into trying to please people for whom I had no respect, and that I had placed the utmost importance upon trying to please them. I was constantly feeling the strain of it, I worried constantly, both at work and away, I was having regular anxiety dreams and even nightmares, and I was unhappy much of the time. But I let it go on because I couldn't tolerate the thought of 'failing', and the prospect of being without a job terrified me.
But no matter how I tried to make things right, the situation couldn't continue as it was, and it only worsened until finally I was forced to see things for how they really were. I think it was the destruction of the unhealthy relationship mere days before that made me finally see what was really happening, how these people were attacking my feelings of efficacy and worth, and how they were making me doubt myself and my abilities and my behaviours and the type of person I am. I realised that to continue to try and change their minds (when they were so fiercely determined to think as they would) was admiting the possibility that they were right, putting truth to the hurtful and disparaging things those few people were saying about me, people who had their own agendas, and who don't know me at all. I realised that it was more than trying to hold onto a job because I needed the income, it was about protecting myself and my health, and not being able to take it any more. To stay working there would have been as damaging to me as it would be to eat poison every day. I did the only thing that made sense, and I walked away.
Of course, no matter how I felt about preserving my mental and emotional health, not to mention my dignity, I fell apart in a major way after quitting my job the way I did. That whole weekend I was a walking basket case, an absolute and complete emotional wreck. I was in a constant state of panic and horror and fear and hurt over the whole situation. It still felt like failure, no matter what the truth of it was, and it took me days to calm down.
I've been having to focus more on putting one foot in front of the other and less on counting points. That is to be understood, but enough time has passed that it's become less about needing time to get my head together and more about just getting decadent and lazy and falling into old habits. I'm getting dependent on food again to regulate my mood. I am feeling so poor emotionally from day to day that I am using food as my comfort and my fix. I can't control the things that are making me feel so wretched, so I'm turning my focus onto food instead and am letting myself put too much importance on it.
The positive is that I see what is happening and I have the power to keep this from setting me any farther back. I can start to turn things around again, if I want to.
I'm terrified of getting big again. I know I've gained weight and I hate it. I hate imagining myself putting on more and more weight. I hate the thought of losing everything I have achieved.
In the end, it's this fear that will help me, because I am going to use this as my motivation to get back on track. I do not want to gain any more weight. I do not want to go back to my old ways. I want to be healthy and happy.
I have been feeling so lethargic and icky lately, and while my stress level will contribute, the binging and the lack of exercise will be playing a large part. I'm tired so much of the time, and I feel down a lot. That is to be expected seeing what I am going through, BUT...if I was eating well and getting my activity, I know without a doubt that I would feel better than I do now, even if I did not feel necessarily 'good'.
I've been binging to try and feel better. But what will make me truly feel better is to get my proper nutrients, to not feel full to the point of feeling sick, to start getting my activity in again, to start building my muscle again and feel strong, to feel like I am living the lifestyle I have chosen for myself, to feel like I am working toward my goals, and to stop gaining weight and to start taking it off again. These are the things that will make me feel better, and I need to remind myself of that when I am tempted to binge.
I need to take small steps, and set myself up to succeed. I logged onto the WW boards today and posted a daily OP thread. I said my goal for today was to make a journal entry here tonight. This was a big first step for me because it means I am being publically accountable for where I am right now and what I've been doing. Being accountable is the first step. I am going to continue that tomorrow by starting to track my food again. I will keep posting in an OP thread, and I will keep journalling here.
I know how to do this, that is the beauty of it. I have proven that to myself. Now my challenge is to do this when things are hard. It is easy to succeed when things are easy, and I wondered along the way how I would fare when things got hard. I'm still unemployed and things are difficult and the money situation is bad, but this is my chance to show myself that I am capable of maintaining my lifestyle and my goals even when things get truly difficult. This is an opportunity for me to prevent a backslide, and to learn new skills I will need for my life ahead, because if I have learned nothing else in my years on this planet, I have learned that the world keeps turning, and that it doesn't stop for the likes of you or I. Life happened, and life will happen again, as surely as the sun will set tonight and rise tomorrow. What's important is how we handle it when it does.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What's right
I'm trying to get my routine back, and it's not proving as easy as I had hoped it might be. Today I'd wanted to spend some time on the comp, get the flat cleaned up, go for a river walk, then have time to relax and journal tonight and whatever else I might like.
Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans..
I did get my comp time this morning, more than enough, actually, but that wasn't so bad. But then the phone started ringing, and the next thing I know the afternoon is gone. I was also feeling somewhat lethargic. I was hoping that after I ate something and got some protein into me, that I would have some energy and morale to get going on my list of things, but I ended up only getting some of the flat sorted, then got together with a friend. We ended up eating out, and I've not gotten home till late, so no river walk for me, and not able to properly count my points for today because there is no NI available for the restaurant. Not the worst of days, but definitely very little of what I had planned. And at the end of it all, I'm still hungry, even after judging that I dipped into my flexies none too lightly. I've not blown anything, and I've not necessarily failed anything, but tomorrow I really want to get some organised activity in, and I want to get my flat sorted out better than it is right now. At least I got the fridge more organised, and my veggies all have a place in there and the rubbish is cleared out. I can't believe how chaotic my life has gotten...but then maybe it just seems that way compared to how strictly regimented it had been for so long there. The scale is showing me up, time will tell how things are going. I don't know if things have made a permanent shift, but time will tell...time always does.
Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans..
I did get my comp time this morning, more than enough, actually, but that wasn't so bad. But then the phone started ringing, and the next thing I know the afternoon is gone. I was also feeling somewhat lethargic. I was hoping that after I ate something and got some protein into me, that I would have some energy and morale to get going on my list of things, but I ended up only getting some of the flat sorted, then got together with a friend. We ended up eating out, and I've not gotten home till late, so no river walk for me, and not able to properly count my points for today because there is no NI available for the restaurant. Not the worst of days, but definitely very little of what I had planned. And at the end of it all, I'm still hungry, even after judging that I dipped into my flexies none too lightly. I've not blown anything, and I've not necessarily failed anything, but tomorrow I really want to get some organised activity in, and I want to get my flat sorted out better than it is right now. At least I got the fridge more organised, and my veggies all have a place in there and the rubbish is cleared out. I can't believe how chaotic my life has gotten...but then maybe it just seems that way compared to how strictly regimented it had been for so long there. The scale is showing me up, time will tell how things are going. I don't know if things have made a permanent shift, but time will tell...time always does.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
My fall will be for you
Oh, what a day!
It's late and I'm tired and I don't have the words for it, but I am well fed and content and things are good. I've been getting all closing shifts at the store lately, and I'm back to getting home around 10:00pm and having to make supper. I've not been around much and my flat is a disaster area, and I was low on food, particularly perishables. I did get the kitchen cleaned up some this afternoon, and I did a bit of shopping tonight after work, but I have a lot more to get sorted tomorrow. I'm out of premade main meals in my freezer, so I need to make up a few dishes so I can freeze for taking to work when I need to. I've been eating a lot of fruit lately, other people's, mostly, but I didn't pick up any tonight. I'm wondering if I might go into fruit withdrawal, actually. I'll have to look in to starting to keep some around for desserts; I always wanted something sweet after supper, but the last few weeks I've gotten used to having fruit after supper to control my sweet craving, and it worked rather well, particularly with some lite Cool Whip. The problem with liking fruit is that it gets to be expensive, particularly during the winter months. Why can't food be free? I wish I could grow all this stuff myself! Anyhoo, bed for me! Squee!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
APs gone MIA
I've done okay today; I've met all the guidelines and I've not gone over my DPs, but I have none to spare and I might be going out this evening, so I might end up using the rest of my FPs since I never had a chance to earn any APs today, aside from doing some more housework. I'd planned yardwork and a bike ride, but like always seems to happen these days, my plan got changed around. I'm not planning to eat anything else tonight, but I might have a beer, and that will cost me FPs unless I come home and exercise. I don't have many left for the week after eating out on Tuesday and having a lot of high cal food that night. I am definitely not used to being this low on FPs at the end of the week, let alone on Thursday night! I'm glad I've started tracking again tho, because I am in obvious need of being specific about what I eat if I want to keep losing weight. I felt so much better last night when I was having some fruit, because I knew I had the points for it, and I knew exactly how much I could have. It was weird, when I was measuring it out, I didn't feel restricted, I felt empowered because I knew I was not overeating, I was completely within my points. It made me realise that when I'm not counting I have this little nagging worry about everything I eat, thinking that maybe it is putting me way over in points. It is easier to enjoy my food when I know I am not putting myself in a bad way by eating it.
I was starving tonight for supper, and the salad I'd made tasted soo excellent. A friend has reintroduced me to putting things in salad other than just the romaine, and I am now wondering how I ever got by eating all of those plain boring salads without cucumbers, mushrooms, tomatoes, and celery. Yes, you heard me...celery! Celery on its own is definitely not one of my favorite vegetables, but throw it in a salad and it tastes GOOD! Eating the salad tonight was a real treat, it was tastey, and I was so conscious while I was eating it that it was not just something I was able to it, it was something that tasted really good to me, and I was looking forward to every mouthful. What a gift that I've gotten to a point in my life that I can say that about a green salad, and that I am able to truly enjoy the things that I am eating. I heard people say that as they got further along into a healthy lifestyle that they came to like healthy foods that they hated previously. I was rather skeptical of ever being able to experience this myself, I mean seriously, you either like something or you don't, right? How could that change when it comes to food? But here I am living it, and definitely loving it! Food tastes definitely can change, thankfully, and hopefully I can get to a point where rich foods and/or junk foods don't taste good to me any more. A couple weeks ago in a weak moment I had a Wendy's burger for supper. We were running late, I was starving, and no time to shop for veggies etc, plus I just wanted one and made the choice to have one. No fries, no pop, nothing else with it, just the burger. It tasted wonderful to me and I enjoyed it soo much...until a few hours later when I woke up in the night to a VERY unhappy tummy, and puked the whole thing up. Does NOT taste as good coming up as it did going down, that's for sure. It's almost as if my body said "Uhh...are you kidding me? What's that thing doing in here? I don't think so. Nope. No Way. Get OUTTA HERE, evil Wendy's hamburger!"
Well, that's what I was imagining it was saying, anyway. I had felt awful beforhand but after the burger was evicted from the premises my stomach felt okay again and I actually had a giggle over imagining that it was a result of my body's indignation at having been forced upon by greasy fast food.
No, I didn't enjoy getting sick, but in a way I was almost pleased by it, if it really means that my body has embraced healthy eating. If I had to choose I'd rather have a body that ejects fast food than one that drives me to eat more more more of it. But then again, maybe I just had a bad burger, who the heck knows? I don't and I don't care, it's not like I'm going to be putting these theories to the test any time soon. I don't plan to go back to eating greasy fast foods, if I need to eat out fast, there's almost always a subway closeby, and it's getting so that most places have sandwiches and salads/soups to choose from. But maybe I actually am getting to a point where junk food is going to have less of a positive effect on me than before at least, even if it stil tastes good going down. Maybe in time it won't taste good either, at this point I'm ruling nothing out, I've experienced WAY too many firsts on this journey to assume anything!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Motivated tonight
It has certainly been a long time since I've been here!
I have to write a post just about my trip home, but I don't think that is going to get done right now. Tonight I just want to make a post and start getting back into the routine of journalling again after being away for so long. I'd never intended to take such a long haitus...well, technically I hadn't intended to take a hiatus at all, but there you go. I put my laptop in to be serviced the day before I made the trip home, figuring it would be a good time to have the screen issue I've been having looked at, since I wouldn't be able to use it to go online at home anyway. They did a bunch of diagnostics and told me the hard drive was corrupt (aren't we all?) and that it had to be replaced. They sent it out while I was away, and I picked it up on my way from the airport when I got back in town, but when I get it home I discovered that the screen issue was still happening, so my next shift at work I brought it with me and gave it back to them so they could address it. It had to be sent away again, and I only got it back Saturday night, so I've been without a decent means of getting online. Yes, I had my old comp, but it has gotten so slow and unreliable that I only used it to check email, I even stopped trying to get on the WW website, which means I've not been tracking for the better part of a few weeks. I'm not sure if this has been good or bad, surely there have been benefits, but there is always a price to pay.
My visit home was wonderful in so many ways, but as always I went through the usual slump after I got back in Windsor. In many ways I had a much harder time adjusting to getting back after this trip than I had after any other. Part of it was feeling completely and utterly off my eating routine; I definitely had been eating foods which I was home that I am no longer accustomed to eating, and I was not eating much of the foods I have grown accustomed to having regularly. When I got back in town I found myself hungry through much of the day, and not finding my meals as satisfying as I used to. I was mostly okay with the foods I was eating, I just wanted to eat twice as much of them. I was also craving foods I have cut out, but mostly it was the hunger that was making my life difficult. As well, when I got back I discovered that summer had set in in full force, and the weather had gotten very hot and humid. I was able to stand it okay, but I definitely was not motivated to be going for walks or to exercise. My regular workout was out anyway, on account of not having my laptop, tho I did try to do the best I could using my PS2 to play my WATP dvd, and trying to do the core workout from memory, but the strangeness of it didn't help me to get back into my old routine. I've also been a lot more active socially than I normally am since getting back in town. Suddenly I was going out a lot and getting together with people almost every day, and I've had a lot less free time. I was trying to get workouts in, and having some measure of success, until I sprained my wrist while out boating and that effectively got rid of the possibility of strength training. I've done a bit of walking, and have been starting to go for bike rides on a friend's bike, but I'm still not back into the strength training yet. I spent today doing housework, and while I have pretty good range of movement with my hand, by the time I was done my wrist was aching like crazy and I had to take some acetaminophin for the pain. Still, it is getting better, slowly but surely, and that's the main thing.
Admitedly, the majority of the issue has not been the weather and the sprain and the laptop being serviced, instead the issue has been the fact that the thing I have been obsessing over for a year has happened and is over. Going home to see my family and surprising them was something I thought about constantly, and was one of my main sources of motivation throughout my journey so far. I had thought from time to time about how it would be for me after the trip was over, and how it might change things, but honestly I didn't put an overabundance of thought into it. Mostly I believed that while the trip was a huge source of motivation, it was not by any means my main source of motivation, and that after the trip I would still have my desire to be thin and healthy and active and strong. But to be honest, a tiny little part of me was afraid to think about what would happen afterward, because part of me must have understood just how much I was using the trip as a source of drive and determination to do the best that I can. I didn't want to consider the possibility that the trip had somehow become my largest source of motivation, because I didn't want to think about how that would affect me when I got home.
Well, I made the trip, and I came back, and I found out just how much my brain had been filled constantly with thoughts about the trip, because when I got back I suddenly felt extremely empty and directionless. No, I am in no way saying that I didn't care about my goals any more, but my intense drive to be active and to get as many APs as I could and my discipline over every meal with the thought of losing as much as I could that week seemed to have fallen by the wayside. Exercise for its own sake was not enough motivation to get me going, and I didn't feel that urgency any more in terms of losing every pound I could.
Now of course, it could very well be said that this has been a good thing; I was certainly feeling the strain mentally and even physically there in the last weeks before the trip, to the point that I was looking forward to the surprise being over just so I could stop feeling urgency to the point of panic almost constantly. I let myself get intense over it all because I knew it was temporary, and that it was not how I was planning to live for the rest of my life, and yet after the sense of relief was over after the initial meeting of the family was done, and after I got back in town, I am feeling the absence of that sence of urgency very, very keenly. It was so much a part of me for so long that it has been a huge adjustment since returning, getting used to it being gone. I suppose this has been a critical point for me in the sense that this is a point in my journey where I could potentially start wandering off track instead of keep moving toward my goals. I did go off tracking for a while, but I've tried my best to stay OP even without counting points, and since I have not gained in the last month, and have even lost a few, I have been very successful there I would think. On that count, the past month has been good for me, because it gave me a chance to live like "normal people", without counting and just trying to live healthy. I know now that I can do a reasonable job at following a healthy lifestyle without counting every morsal I put in my mouth, something I had wondered about more than once the past year. But before the trip I never would have allowed myself to go off counting points for a while in order to learn how I can do without points, I never would have relaxed enough, never would have wante to risk that I might not lose, of gods forbid, even gain a pound! I feel a lot more confident in myself and how far I've come after the last few weeks, I truly have changed a lot of my habits, because I still made healthy choices even without planning everything out and being accountable to my planner at the end of the day.
Now all that being said, I've still made the decision this week with the return of my laptop that I will get back into the habit of tracking what I eat, and to start trying to get daily activity in, even if I can't do proper workouts on account of my wrist. While I've been doing well at making healthy choices, I've definitely not been perfect, and I'm all too aware that I'm at a critical junction, and that I could still start slipping backwards without proper care. It's good to know I can go off points without going crazy, but at this time in my life when I am still adjusting to having one of my main sources of motivation out of the picture, I want to maintain at least a measure of discipline, because I don't want to get too far off track. I either need to find something else to motivate me, but then again, perhaps I just need to find a place mentally where I am able to maintain a style of eating and a method of exercising that is no longer so dependent on some outside source of motivation. Most people do well with short term goals, whether they are time goals (do X amount for 6 months) or end-point goals (till I lose X amount or till I can run X miles), and I do well with them too, I think, but I am getting very close to reaching my goal, and it is time for me to start thinking more long term. The ideal would be for me to just establish a healthy balance of eating and exercise that are not dependent on me feeling a sense of urgency about something in order to maintain it. Perhaps the level of food-strictness and the amount of exercise I'll have to do to maintain my goals will not be so strenuous that I will need to focus on some time goal or an end-point goal in order to stay motivated. Now that I'm getting over the feeling of emptiness and almost letdown that I had been feeling after the trip, I do confess that I am starting to enjoy this feeling of being relaxed about my eating and my exercise. Of course, I'm starting to track again, but that is because I don't want to get TOO relaxed about things; a certain amount of effort and vigilance is needed. It's all about finding the healthy balance, and I think I'm starting to gain my feet again.
I think the title of my last post is very fitting.
Earned 8 APs today: 2 hours (didn't count it all) housecleaning, 50 min bike ride
I have to write a post just about my trip home, but I don't think that is going to get done right now. Tonight I just want to make a post and start getting back into the routine of journalling again after being away for so long. I'd never intended to take such a long haitus...well, technically I hadn't intended to take a hiatus at all, but there you go. I put my laptop in to be serviced the day before I made the trip home, figuring it would be a good time to have the screen issue I've been having looked at, since I wouldn't be able to use it to go online at home anyway. They did a bunch of diagnostics and told me the hard drive was corrupt (aren't we all?) and that it had to be replaced. They sent it out while I was away, and I picked it up on my way from the airport when I got back in town, but when I get it home I discovered that the screen issue was still happening, so my next shift at work I brought it with me and gave it back to them so they could address it. It had to be sent away again, and I only got it back Saturday night, so I've been without a decent means of getting online. Yes, I had my old comp, but it has gotten so slow and unreliable that I only used it to check email, I even stopped trying to get on the WW website, which means I've not been tracking for the better part of a few weeks. I'm not sure if this has been good or bad, surely there have been benefits, but there is always a price to pay.
My visit home was wonderful in so many ways, but as always I went through the usual slump after I got back in Windsor. In many ways I had a much harder time adjusting to getting back after this trip than I had after any other. Part of it was feeling completely and utterly off my eating routine; I definitely had been eating foods which I was home that I am no longer accustomed to eating, and I was not eating much of the foods I have grown accustomed to having regularly. When I got back in town I found myself hungry through much of the day, and not finding my meals as satisfying as I used to. I was mostly okay with the foods I was eating, I just wanted to eat twice as much of them. I was also craving foods I have cut out, but mostly it was the hunger that was making my life difficult. As well, when I got back I discovered that summer had set in in full force, and the weather had gotten very hot and humid. I was able to stand it okay, but I definitely was not motivated to be going for walks or to exercise. My regular workout was out anyway, on account of not having my laptop, tho I did try to do the best I could using my PS2 to play my WATP dvd, and trying to do the core workout from memory, but the strangeness of it didn't help me to get back into my old routine. I've also been a lot more active socially than I normally am since getting back in town. Suddenly I was going out a lot and getting together with people almost every day, and I've had a lot less free time. I was trying to get workouts in, and having some measure of success, until I sprained my wrist while out boating and that effectively got rid of the possibility of strength training. I've done a bit of walking, and have been starting to go for bike rides on a friend's bike, but I'm still not back into the strength training yet. I spent today doing housework, and while I have pretty good range of movement with my hand, by the time I was done my wrist was aching like crazy and I had to take some acetaminophin for the pain. Still, it is getting better, slowly but surely, and that's the main thing.
Admitedly, the majority of the issue has not been the weather and the sprain and the laptop being serviced, instead the issue has been the fact that the thing I have been obsessing over for a year has happened and is over. Going home to see my family and surprising them was something I thought about constantly, and was one of my main sources of motivation throughout my journey so far. I had thought from time to time about how it would be for me after the trip was over, and how it might change things, but honestly I didn't put an overabundance of thought into it. Mostly I believed that while the trip was a huge source of motivation, it was not by any means my main source of motivation, and that after the trip I would still have my desire to be thin and healthy and active and strong. But to be honest, a tiny little part of me was afraid to think about what would happen afterward, because part of me must have understood just how much I was using the trip as a source of drive and determination to do the best that I can. I didn't want to consider the possibility that the trip had somehow become my largest source of motivation, because I didn't want to think about how that would affect me when I got home.
Well, I made the trip, and I came back, and I found out just how much my brain had been filled constantly with thoughts about the trip, because when I got back I suddenly felt extremely empty and directionless. No, I am in no way saying that I didn't care about my goals any more, but my intense drive to be active and to get as many APs as I could and my discipline over every meal with the thought of losing as much as I could that week seemed to have fallen by the wayside. Exercise for its own sake was not enough motivation to get me going, and I didn't feel that urgency any more in terms of losing every pound I could.
Now of course, it could very well be said that this has been a good thing; I was certainly feeling the strain mentally and even physically there in the last weeks before the trip, to the point that I was looking forward to the surprise being over just so I could stop feeling urgency to the point of panic almost constantly. I let myself get intense over it all because I knew it was temporary, and that it was not how I was planning to live for the rest of my life, and yet after the sense of relief was over after the initial meeting of the family was done, and after I got back in town, I am feeling the absence of that sence of urgency very, very keenly. It was so much a part of me for so long that it has been a huge adjustment since returning, getting used to it being gone. I suppose this has been a critical point for me in the sense that this is a point in my journey where I could potentially start wandering off track instead of keep moving toward my goals. I did go off tracking for a while, but I've tried my best to stay OP even without counting points, and since I have not gained in the last month, and have even lost a few, I have been very successful there I would think. On that count, the past month has been good for me, because it gave me a chance to live like "normal people", without counting and just trying to live healthy. I know now that I can do a reasonable job at following a healthy lifestyle without counting every morsal I put in my mouth, something I had wondered about more than once the past year. But before the trip I never would have allowed myself to go off counting points for a while in order to learn how I can do without points, I never would have relaxed enough, never would have wante to risk that I might not lose, of gods forbid, even gain a pound! I feel a lot more confident in myself and how far I've come after the last few weeks, I truly have changed a lot of my habits, because I still made healthy choices even without planning everything out and being accountable to my planner at the end of the day.
Now all that being said, I've still made the decision this week with the return of my laptop that I will get back into the habit of tracking what I eat, and to start trying to get daily activity in, even if I can't do proper workouts on account of my wrist. While I've been doing well at making healthy choices, I've definitely not been perfect, and I'm all too aware that I'm at a critical junction, and that I could still start slipping backwards without proper care. It's good to know I can go off points without going crazy, but at this time in my life when I am still adjusting to having one of my main sources of motivation out of the picture, I want to maintain at least a measure of discipline, because I don't want to get too far off track. I either need to find something else to motivate me, but then again, perhaps I just need to find a place mentally where I am able to maintain a style of eating and a method of exercising that is no longer so dependent on some outside source of motivation. Most people do well with short term goals, whether they are time goals (do X amount for 6 months) or end-point goals (till I lose X amount or till I can run X miles), and I do well with them too, I think, but I am getting very close to reaching my goal, and it is time for me to start thinking more long term. The ideal would be for me to just establish a healthy balance of eating and exercise that are not dependent on me feeling a sense of urgency about something in order to maintain it. Perhaps the level of food-strictness and the amount of exercise I'll have to do to maintain my goals will not be so strenuous that I will need to focus on some time goal or an end-point goal in order to stay motivated. Now that I'm getting over the feeling of emptiness and almost letdown that I had been feeling after the trip, I do confess that I am starting to enjoy this feeling of being relaxed about my eating and my exercise. Of course, I'm starting to track again, but that is because I don't want to get TOO relaxed about things; a certain amount of effort and vigilance is needed. It's all about finding the healthy balance, and I think I'm starting to gain my feet again.
I think the title of my last post is very fitting.
Earned 8 APs today: 2 hours (didn't count it all) housecleaning, 50 min bike ride
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
1 day till Home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-OP: yes-activity: does housework count??
I was trying to find a particular CD amongst the many that I have (all unlabled of course), and while I couldn't find it, I did find a CD I'd burned full of music from the early 80s, and I decided to leave it in and take a trip down memory lane. I feel so surreal right now.
I figured my trip home would be a good time to put my laptop in to get serviced to address that green fuzz that keeps appearing on the screen. what I had not been expecting was popping over when things were slow and to have them tell me that my harddrive failed the diognostic test and that it needed to be replaced.
So here I am using my very ancient P2 comp, with every wotd an agony to type because the keyboard is just enough off that I am making a huge amount of typos. It doesn't help that the keyboard is so worn that none of the keys have letters on them anymore.......how did I ever type quickly on this keyboard????? every sentence is taking forever now!!!!!
I've been litening to music from home; when I booted up this ancient thing the player ha actuaklly been on a playlist of NFLD music because the last time i used to use this comp was back before my trip two years ago when my bros got me my laptop. I was gleeful and listened to the music for a couple hours while i got things sorted,but it is still not real for me. I am calm, like I was in the hour before Nightwish. I know i will turn into a Spaz tomorrow.
I've thought of this for so long.....and it has not sunk in yet. I will be a Spaz on the plane, without a doubt. I am not able to comprehend the fact that 12 hours from now I will be with my mum. So much of me is still afraid that everything I've done will not make a difference. all I've wanted is for them to notice a real difference, and now I'm terrified that they will not see one. I've wanted this soo badly. I can't believe that the time is almost here. It does not seem real. None of it does. I'd wanted to be asleep long before now, but I would rather be tired tomorrow if it means I can savour the experience tonight....which is odd, because I can't get it through my head, so what experience am I savouring, exactly??
I can hear the sound of fireworks going off....it's Canada Day.....
And sometimes you close your eyes and see the place where you used to live
2 days till Home!!!!!!!
-OP: yes-activity: yes
I nearly went to bed but wanted to say something here, at least. Today was good but long and I was tired because I was up too late last night. D took me shopping after work and I was able to get new panties, which had been my main goal for today along with getting in a work out. Of course that plan had been made when I expected to not be working today. I was also supposed to get my packing/cleaning done today. Well I finished supper at 11pm and instead of going to bed like I ached to do, I packed my bag and now I'm glad it's done. I still have a few odds and ends to add tomorrow, but it's nice knowing it's pretty much done. In the morning I have to sort out my laptop so I can bring it to work with me to put in for service. I hate losing it, but oh well. I also planned to cook and bake in the morning, but as I look at the time now I am starting to think that is all too optomistic, as late as it is right now. I'm too tired to be excited tonight, but there were times earlier today that I was for a bit. I'll probably do a little better tomorrow. And of course when I wake up Wednesday I will have turned into a Spaz. I get excited thinking about seeing mum at the airport, but other times I just feel fat and unprepared for it all. I dearly wish I could stop feeling like I am too fat to make an impression on them
Okay...bed now.
Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Those damn babies!
3 days till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
Nothing is ever easy.
I'd counted on having a nice Sunday, and it was, up until the beginning of the evening (which coincidentally my fav part of Sunday) when D called and told me the other regular full-timer called in for tomorrow, and was I available to work? I ranted and raved and cussed quite a bit, then got over it (helped along by a stiff drink). I'd counted on tomorrow to get ready for the trip, because I will be working all day Tuesday and so that day will be a complete lost cause. So I cleaned up the kitchen and did all my laundry (waiting on the dryer) and made a meal to take with me tomorrow. It's all so annoying because the laundry room is always busy Sunday evenings and I usually avoid it, and I don't have much freggies right now and had been planning on being able to shop tomorrow for what I might need between now and Wednesday, on top of wanting to be able to relax and do nice things this evening (catch up on things and watch a movie) and had to spend it rushing about on chores instead. Those damn babies at work are making me CRAZY!!!!
I got a walk in today (not a river walk but one almost just as long) and I feel better overall. I can sit without supporting myself, and I felt energetic when I woke up, which is an awesome sign. I was planning to work out tomorrow but that is out now since I'll be working all day. I'm disappointed, but it's not as bad as it would have been otherwise with my body the way it is. I tried on my Goal Shirt again this evening and contemplated it, but I don't think it is wearable just yet. It was another disappointment, but I will accept it by the time I go, I hope.
Okay time to eat and get to bed. What a mess today ended up being, eating and going to bed this late and having to work all day tomorrow!
Earned 4 APs today: 70 min brisk walking
Weekly summary:
Earned 49 APs
12.7 hours (760 min) total activity
30.2 miles (48.6 kms) walked
19.5 FPs remaining
3.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 184
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
Nothing is ever easy.
I'd counted on having a nice Sunday, and it was, up until the beginning of the evening (which coincidentally my fav part of Sunday) when D called and told me the other regular full-timer called in for tomorrow, and was I available to work? I ranted and raved and cussed quite a bit, then got over it (helped along by a stiff drink). I'd counted on tomorrow to get ready for the trip, because I will be working all day Tuesday and so that day will be a complete lost cause. So I cleaned up the kitchen and did all my laundry (waiting on the dryer) and made a meal to take with me tomorrow. It's all so annoying because the laundry room is always busy Sunday evenings and I usually avoid it, and I don't have much freggies right now and had been planning on being able to shop tomorrow for what I might need between now and Wednesday, on top of wanting to be able to relax and do nice things this evening (catch up on things and watch a movie) and had to spend it rushing about on chores instead. Those damn babies at work are making me CRAZY!!!!
I got a walk in today (not a river walk but one almost just as long) and I feel better overall. I can sit without supporting myself, and I felt energetic when I woke up, which is an awesome sign. I was planning to work out tomorrow but that is out now since I'll be working all day. I'm disappointed, but it's not as bad as it would have been otherwise with my body the way it is. I tried on my Goal Shirt again this evening and contemplated it, but I don't think it is wearable just yet. It was another disappointment, but I will accept it by the time I go, I hope.
Okay time to eat and get to bed. What a mess today ended up being, eating and going to bed this late and having to work all day tomorrow!
Earned 4 APs today: 70 min brisk walking
Weekly summary:
Earned 49 APs
12.7 hours (760 min) total activity
30.2 miles (48.6 kms) walked
19.5 FPs remaining
3.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 184
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Bumps in the road
4 days till Home!!!!
-OP: yes-activity: yes
I've been sitting here for 10 min in too much of a daze to collect my thoughts enough to write. Today was a good day, but physically it started off fair and went downhill steadily throughout. I suppose I finally pushed too far with yesterday's efforts (I'd stepped up the intensity a bit again) and most of my body is aching today, especially my poor legs and backside. It got worse and worse as the day went on, till now I am limping about and having to hold onto something to lower myself into a sitting position without just collapsing downward. I did my river walk with D, and while the company was welcome, the walk was extremely taxing for me, and I was hurting badly by the time I got home, my legs and my upper back were misery, to the point that I had trouble walking perfectly straight on account of my leg muscles not being able to move properly. I was also hungry today, and this evening I found myself pondering just eating food I wanted in huge quantites, something I rarely ponder. All bad signs, and I am not so foolish as to ignore them. I had planned a workout tomorrow but that is definitely no longer in my plan. I would like to do a river walk still, but if I do I will take it slower and not walk so briskly. I had a big supper and I feel soothed and satisfied, and now I will take myself to bed for some much needed sleep.
Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking
Friday, June 27, 2008
Chinese clotheslines
5 days till Home!!!
-OP: yes-activity: yes
I was going to go on to bed without posting, because it is later than I wanted to be up and I have to work in the morning. I always let the time get away from me nights before I have to work, I wish I wouldn't do that. I got loads of activity in, and debated not going for a river walk because I knew it would put me behind schedule because I'd lagged all day, but I went and am glad I did. The deciding factor was mostly knowing that the extra activity would help me get to sleep tonight. And now I am fed and watered and looking forward to bed, despite how warm and humid it is tonight. I only hope I sleep better than last night; had a lot of nightmares I really could have done without. The worst thing is that I had the same one twice, I hate it when that happens. I guess I'm starting to feel some strain, it's to be expected I suppose; the weight loss is going well but other things aren't. Speaking of which, I had a great WI today and am very pleased. I wasn't expecting it, but looking at my total lost in the weight tracker and seeing three digits truly makes it seem like a much larger amount than only two, even if it was a digit like 99. Funny how the mind works.
Earned 14 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 100 min brisk walking
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Lost buttons and syrup that stays slippery
6 days till Home!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
I can't believe how close it's getting! Less than a week, that's just insane! I've shifted back to a state of disbelief over it all, it doesn't seem real. I imagine in a couple days it will seem more real when I start getting ready to go.
I didn't get a chance to post yesterday because I was basically gone the whole day. I took F to the hospital in the morning and stayed with her while she had her thingy done. I brought my knitting and a picnic lunch of water and fruit and veggies for while I was waiting for her. I never mentioned any of it before they took her in tho, because she was thirsty and starving from having to fast. I went out in the morning and bought a mix for carrot muffins because those are her favorite and I made them to bring with so she'd be able to eat something on the way home. She seemed to really like them, and had a few with the rest of my water. She was out of it afterward because of the sedation and was walking slowly and slantily and I kept watching her in case she fell over but she managed fine. It took longer than it was supposed to take, so by the time we got to her house her mother was already there from work. I'd made a date of sorts for afterward if our schedules worked out and he ended up picking me up at her house and we went to a park by the river and talked and talked. Things went so well that we ended up going out for supper at the pub, which I had not been expecting, but we were having a really great time and didn't want to stop talking. I've not been to that pub in a very long time, and when I came in my favorite server was walking out of the kitchen carrying plates, and when she saw me she set them down on the bar so she could hug me and tell me how fabulous I looked. It was a real treat getting to see her because she's been so supportive along the way. She's one of the few people who knows I've been following WW, it's easy to talk to her about it because she follows it too. I had the cajun chicken sandwich (without the mayo or the bun) and a salad instead of fries (without the bacon, cheese and dressing on the side) and afterward my date asked if he could make an observation, and said "I think you must have lost a lot of weight" and when I asked why he thought that he said because of how the server had reacted when she saw me, and because of the way I ordered. It was wing night and he is a wing fanatic, but thankfully he's not one of those people (there are so many of them!) who takes it personally if you refuse to eat wings on wing night, and we drank a ton of light beer and talked endlessly and had a really late night and posting was the last thing on my mind when I went to bed. Unfortuately the fact that I still had to have a cup of milk to get in my second dairy requirement was also the last thing on my mind, so yesterday wasn't an OP day for me technically, which is disappointing. The few times I've missed a requirement like that (usually the dairy) it's almost always because I went out for supper and had a few drinks and don't think of it when I come home. What I'm glad about is that since I'd had a light calorie dinner and had some activity and ordered so intelligently at supper, the beer didn't put my into FPs, definitely something to be proud of!
Today I took it easy tho because I was tired after my late night. I even had a nap this afternoon! I wanted to get a river walk in but the weather has been crazy the last couple weeks, and it is constantly thunder storming in the early evenings. I looked at the forcast and saw a warning for severe thunderstorms so I got on the eliptical instead, and I am soo happy I did because not long after it got so black outside I had to turn on my lamp at 5:30pm so I could see what I was doing, and had to close my balcony so my blinds wouldn't take another opportunity to vacate the premesis. I was hungry today too; part of it might be because of the beer yesterday, but I'm noticing that there is a week in my cycle where I get hungry and tired, so this might be par course. I ate more food (within my points) so I wasn't hungry, and still managed to avoid FPs. I wanted to do a workout but felt too tired, and since I'm not working tomorrow I can do it Friday without throwing things off. WI is tomorrow and it looks to be a good one. I hope all my work is paying off, despite only getting 20 min activity in yesterday!
Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
I can't believe how close it's getting! Less than a week, that's just insane! I've shifted back to a state of disbelief over it all, it doesn't seem real. I imagine in a couple days it will seem more real when I start getting ready to go.
I didn't get a chance to post yesterday because I was basically gone the whole day. I took F to the hospital in the morning and stayed with her while she had her thingy done. I brought my knitting and a picnic lunch of water and fruit and veggies for while I was waiting for her. I never mentioned any of it before they took her in tho, because she was thirsty and starving from having to fast. I went out in the morning and bought a mix for carrot muffins because those are her favorite and I made them to bring with so she'd be able to eat something on the way home. She seemed to really like them, and had a few with the rest of my water. She was out of it afterward because of the sedation and was walking slowly and slantily and I kept watching her in case she fell over but she managed fine. It took longer than it was supposed to take, so by the time we got to her house her mother was already there from work. I'd made a date of sorts for afterward if our schedules worked out and he ended up picking me up at her house and we went to a park by the river and talked and talked. Things went so well that we ended up going out for supper at the pub, which I had not been expecting, but we were having a really great time and didn't want to stop talking. I've not been to that pub in a very long time, and when I came in my favorite server was walking out of the kitchen carrying plates, and when she saw me she set them down on the bar so she could hug me and tell me how fabulous I looked. It was a real treat getting to see her because she's been so supportive along the way. She's one of the few people who knows I've been following WW, it's easy to talk to her about it because she follows it too. I had the cajun chicken sandwich (without the mayo or the bun) and a salad instead of fries (without the bacon, cheese and dressing on the side) and afterward my date asked if he could make an observation, and said "I think you must have lost a lot of weight" and when I asked why he thought that he said because of how the server had reacted when she saw me, and because of the way I ordered. It was wing night and he is a wing fanatic, but thankfully he's not one of those people (there are so many of them!) who takes it personally if you refuse to eat wings on wing night, and we drank a ton of light beer and talked endlessly and had a really late night and posting was the last thing on my mind when I went to bed. Unfortuately the fact that I still had to have a cup of milk to get in my second dairy requirement was also the last thing on my mind, so yesterday wasn't an OP day for me technically, which is disappointing. The few times I've missed a requirement like that (usually the dairy) it's almost always because I went out for supper and had a few drinks and don't think of it when I come home. What I'm glad about is that since I'd had a light calorie dinner and had some activity and ordered so intelligently at supper, the beer didn't put my into FPs, definitely something to be proud of!
Today I took it easy tho because I was tired after my late night. I even had a nap this afternoon! I wanted to get a river walk in but the weather has been crazy the last couple weeks, and it is constantly thunder storming in the early evenings. I looked at the forcast and saw a warning for severe thunderstorms so I got on the eliptical instead, and I am soo happy I did because not long after it got so black outside I had to turn on my lamp at 5:30pm so I could see what I was doing, and had to close my balcony so my blinds wouldn't take another opportunity to vacate the premesis. I was hungry today too; part of it might be because of the beer yesterday, but I'm noticing that there is a week in my cycle where I get hungry and tired, so this might be par course. I ate more food (within my points) so I wasn't hungry, and still managed to avoid FPs. I wanted to do a workout but felt too tired, and since I'm not working tomorrow I can do it Friday without throwing things off. WI is tomorrow and it looks to be a good one. I hope all my work is paying off, despite only getting 20 min activity in yesterday!
Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Greed, your master passion
1 week, 1 day till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
One of those days maybe I'll learn.
It was a good day in spite of my silliness. I got lots of good activity in, even tho I took longer to do it than I would have liked. I started relatively early tho so at least that's something. I just kept getting distracted by thoughts and shiney things. Tomorrow is my off day, and I'll be spending time with F for a good part of the day because she needs someone to take care of her while she has a procedure done at the hospital. The poor thing is pretty stressed and harrassed lately, I feel bad for her. She's fasting tonight and when we talked I kept unthinkingly talking about food. I'm just so used to talking about food with her, it's one of her favorite things. I just wish it didn't often cause her so much misery. The things you love will hurt you every time.
I can't believe she'll be moving. She gave me a bunch of leftovers after her party on Saturday night, and I'm still eating them every meal; I threatened to fill my pockets up with the mushrooms when I was leaving and she took it to heart, sent me off with loads of meat and veggies. I had a blast at the party, got drunk, ate a good deal of meat, but was totally in control of my food choices, well up till the point where I had the burger, I had not necessarily intended that. When I'd heard they were on their way from the grill tho I decided I would have one, and by that time I was so caught up in everything that I never thought when I put it on a bun. I should have had it on its own, but I didn't think about the points of the bun, just the burger. No matter, I ate what I ate and drank what I drank, and tracked it all the next day. Since I worked all day and wasn't able to get any real activity in (I walked to Timmys in the morning to get coffee for D and DP so I could say I got 15 min in) I dipped heavily into the FP, but not a catestrophy. I would have preferred not to have used FP last week, but it was a party, and I had a wonderful time. I don't let myself think about how the house is sold and they'll be leaving, it's just too damn depressing. Better to think of going home in a week and my best friends coming with me. It's too surreal to be real.
Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
One of those days maybe I'll learn.
It was a good day in spite of my silliness. I got lots of good activity in, even tho I took longer to do it than I would have liked. I started relatively early tho so at least that's something. I just kept getting distracted by thoughts and shiney things. Tomorrow is my off day, and I'll be spending time with F for a good part of the day because she needs someone to take care of her while she has a procedure done at the hospital. The poor thing is pretty stressed and harrassed lately, I feel bad for her. She's fasting tonight and when we talked I kept unthinkingly talking about food. I'm just so used to talking about food with her, it's one of her favorite things. I just wish it didn't often cause her so much misery. The things you love will hurt you every time.
I can't believe she'll be moving. She gave me a bunch of leftovers after her party on Saturday night, and I'm still eating them every meal; I threatened to fill my pockets up with the mushrooms when I was leaving and she took it to heart, sent me off with loads of meat and veggies. I had a blast at the party, got drunk, ate a good deal of meat, but was totally in control of my food choices, well up till the point where I had the burger, I had not necessarily intended that. When I'd heard they were on their way from the grill tho I decided I would have one, and by that time I was so caught up in everything that I never thought when I put it on a bun. I should have had it on its own, but I didn't think about the points of the bun, just the burger. No matter, I ate what I ate and drank what I drank, and tracked it all the next day. Since I worked all day and wasn't able to get any real activity in (I walked to Timmys in the morning to get coffee for D and DP so I could say I got 15 min in) I dipped heavily into the FP, but not a catestrophy. I would have preferred not to have used FP last week, but it was a party, and I had a wonderful time. I don't let myself think about how the house is sold and they'll be leaving, it's just too damn depressing. Better to think of going home in a week and my best friends coming with me. It's too surreal to be real.
Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking
Monday, June 23, 2008
Worth everything I may ever be
1 week, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
I can hear the fireworks, they're going on now over downtown. When I went for my river walk this evening the riverfront was crowded with people who were settling to wait. If I hadn't been so desperately tired and hungry I might have wished to stay and watch as well. But as it is, it was a long day, and I was asked to stay later, so it was almost 6:30 before I got home. All I wanted to do was eat and rest, but I made myself go for my walk and I'm glad I did. I saw my friends from the pub when I was walking by it, and stopped to chat for a few minutes, and they told me I look great. All I felt was sweaty and tired, but it's nice to hear it. I'm trying so hard to do what I can before I go, but I know it probably is all for naught. But at least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I tried. My diet the past two days has been very disciplined; yes I've had some healthy muffins, but most of my meals have just consisted of lean meat and vegetables. I figure if anything will do it, that will.
I know I said I would write properly tonight, but I'm almost too weary to think straight, I need to rest. I missed my chance to chat with M tonight and that sucks :(
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
I can hear the fireworks, they're going on now over downtown. When I went for my river walk this evening the riverfront was crowded with people who were settling to wait. If I hadn't been so desperately tired and hungry I might have wished to stay and watch as well. But as it is, it was a long day, and I was asked to stay later, so it was almost 6:30 before I got home. All I wanted to do was eat and rest, but I made myself go for my walk and I'm glad I did. I saw my friends from the pub when I was walking by it, and stopped to chat for a few minutes, and they told me I look great. All I felt was sweaty and tired, but it's nice to hear it. I'm trying so hard to do what I can before I go, but I know it probably is all for naught. But at least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I tried. My diet the past two days has been very disciplined; yes I've had some healthy muffins, but most of my meals have just consisted of lean meat and vegetables. I figure if anything will do it, that will.
I know I said I would write properly tonight, but I'm almost too weary to think straight, I need to rest. I missed my chance to chat with M tonight and that sucks :(
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Within, the dark holds hard
1 week, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
It was a tired kind of day in lieu of all the partying I did last night. I had an awesome time, but got drunk and was up rather late, so it threw my day off. I didn't get my workout in till late in the afternoon, but I did get it in at least, despite feeling tired and out of sorts. I also went for a late river walk, since the rain that had been forcast never showed up, and I wanted muffins for dessert but didn't want to spend my remaining FPs on them. I was craving them all day so I made them before I exercised and had a couple with dinner. F gave me a bunch of leftover food from the party and as good as it is to have meat, I still wanted the cinnamon. Anyhoo, I'll have to say more tomorrow, I want to get my summary done and send off an imp email then get to bed, it's already late.
Weekly summary:
Earned 62 APs
17.2 hours (1030 min) total activity
44.8 miles (72.1 kms) walked
13.5 FPs remaining
2.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 187.2
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
It was a tired kind of day in lieu of all the partying I did last night. I had an awesome time, but got drunk and was up rather late, so it threw my day off. I didn't get my workout in till late in the afternoon, but I did get it in at least, despite feeling tired and out of sorts. I also went for a late river walk, since the rain that had been forcast never showed up, and I wanted muffins for dessert but didn't want to spend my remaining FPs on them. I was craving them all day so I made them before I exercised and had a couple with dinner. F gave me a bunch of leftover food from the party and as good as it is to have meat, I still wanted the cinnamon. Anyhoo, I'll have to say more tomorrow, I want to get my summary done and send off an imp email then get to bed, it's already late.
Weekly summary:
Earned 62 APs
17.2 hours (1030 min) total activity
44.8 miles (72.1 kms) walked
13.5 FPs remaining
2.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 187.2
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Saturday
1 week, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
No proper post for today, worked then went to F's for a party. Over and out.
Earned 1 AP today: 15 min brisk walking
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
No proper post for today, worked then went to F's for a party. Over and out.
Earned 1 AP today: 15 min brisk walking
Friday, June 20, 2008
100 lb Milestone
1 week, 5 days till Home!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
Well it is finally official; I can now say I have lost 100 lbs.
The funny thing is that I unofficially hit that number during my Celebration Weekend over a month ago, but officially the number has since eluded me. I knew it would come around again eventually, so I wasn't much worried, but goodness, I would have liked it to show a little more urgency than it turned out to..lol.
The funny thing is that I unofficially hit that number during my Celebration Weekend over a month ago, but officially the number has since eluded me. I knew it would come around again eventually, so I wasn't much worried, but goodness, I would have liked it to show a little more urgency than it turned out to..lol.
Nonetheless, my weight loss has shown a steady downward progress throughout, so I knew I would get there sooner or later. Here, see for yourself:
Notice the pretty little milestone stars underneath the last chart, I've built up quite the collection. Blue is my favorite colour so I'm thrilled that the 100 lb star is blue. I'm silly like that. Only one more to add - the gold Goal star. The first couple of months are interesting on the chart, that was back before I had my own scale, and had very unreliable ways of weighing myself. Once I got my own scale and was weighing every week, things became very consistent. And once I got more honest about my weighing practices, you can see the reliable dips and peaks from month to month associated with my menstrual cycle, which I find endearing somehow. I love reliability and predictability, it's satisfying for me.Today's weight tracking has occured in a different environment than usual. It's a beautiful day and I woke up feeling full of pep and vinegar (old-fashioned it may be, but ever so much better than being full of piss and wind!) and I retired out onto the balcony after breakfast to do my computer work out here where I can look down on the Hood and enjoy the sun (albeit from the shade, I wouldn't sit out here if I was in direct sunlight..lol). I knew from day one that I would eventually have that 100 lb star, and I've been expecting it for weeks now, and yet when I brought up the weight tracker to officially track it, I got unexpected tears in my eyes. At first I felt a little foolish, but I was inside refilling my water bottle and a sudden thought came to me and I was laughing out loud and in tears again. Of course it's not foolish! Maybe I've been doing this whole weight loss thing for 11 months now, but there's nothing wrong with making this a momentus occasion, because while I may have been tracking losses for a long time now, I have never tracked a 100 lb loss before now.
And what really made me laugh and allow myself to fully recognise this as a noteworthy milestone was the realisation that this is truly a one-time experience, because I will never lose 100 lbs again. And that is why I was laughing for joy, because I know this is the only time I will ever be able to celebrate this accomplishment. I will never be in a position where I will have 100 lbs to lose ever again. I know this without a doubt because I am in control of my life and my choices, and I choose to never gain the weight back. No matter what life throws at me, even if I suffer hardships and illness and injury and am unable to live life the way I do now, I will alter my lifestyle and my choices whatever way I have to in order to stay at a healthy weight and not gain it back, regardless of the effort that will take. I made that committment when I started this journey, and I reinforce that committment to myself here and now. And the reason I am so certain that this is it and I will never go back to where I was is that after all this time and work I am only more dedicated to my new lifestyle than I had been when I started. I know I can keep meeting my goals because meeting them is all about the choices I make, and my choices are mine to control. As long as I want this, I will never fail...and I will always want this.
It's pretty surreal to be sitting here on this oh so fine warm summer's day and to be looking back over the last 100 lbs. In some ways the time went so quickly, and in other ways the changes feel so gradual. I've been thinking about the noteworthy differences and changes I've had along the way, and what better time and place to go ahead and note them!
- As is inevitable after losing 100 lbs, my body is now lighter and more bendy/flexible than it ever was before! I feel so much more efficient in my movement; getting from point A to point B doesn't require the effort that it did. I feel faster and I've still not gotten used to the sensation that I am in fast forward sometimes. I can cut corners and turn and start and stop so much more easily and quickly than I could before. And I love love love how I can crouch without effort, and stay that way for a long time. I can also stand from a squat with ease, as well as kneel without problem. These are big ones for me, I've always wanted to be able to do that. I also feel so light and airy now when I get up from the floor (which I do a lot when I'm exercising). I never knew how truly effortful it used to be for me to get off the floor most of my life until now. I realise now I used to avoid sitting on the floor because of how hard it was to get up, which was an issue at work because I had to get down there a lot. These days it's literally a pleasure to get off the floor because I feel so light when I do.
- BONES!!! I have them!! And I NEVER get sick of them!! It started off with being able to feel my collar bones, and to feel the curve of my rib cage. Along the way I've had the joy to meet shoulder bones, shoulder blades, knee bones, my breast bone, knuckles, individual ribs, that little roundy bone in my wrist (a huge pleasure to meet that particular bone, been a goal since I was a young girl!), my spine, and probably my most favorite, my hip bones! I remember meeting every one, and every experience was thrilling...and usually terrifying at first because I had no idea what it was and would panic till I realised what strange thing it was that I had encountered. Once a new bone is discovered I entertain myself endlessly with feeling it and looking at it. Seriously, I can't keep my hands off my ribs or my hip bones especially.
- I've adopted a very healthy diet over the last 100 lbs; when I started off I was eating within my points religiously, but I was rather clueless about food and options of what to eat. I remember I would have hot dogs for supper constantly because it allowed me to have a big supper meal but I never knew what else I could be eating otherwise. I was still eating junk food and high calorie/processed foods, just cutting the portion sizes to stay within my points. These days my diet still tends to have little variation, but it is made up almost entirelly of nonprocessed foods. Every meal has lots of veggies, and I actually plan my meals with such things in mind as the amount of protein I'm getting, and the types of vegetables (eg., green vs orange). I don't buy meals, I buy ingredients and make meals from them. This still blows my mind and constantly feels like an accomplishment to be proud of
- I now spend a lot of time researching health topics and learning in order to keep making changes in what I eat/do so I can meet my goal of living as healthy as I can. I actually spend hours each week reading up on things that look useful, and searching out info . When I'm in my routine I spend 30-60 min a day doing my research and planning how I can use the info in my diet/exercise plan. Sometimes I am just browsing health sites/blogs, and other times I am specifically going after certain information. When I started I wasn't too concerned about anything other than following WW and staying in my points, but as I progressed I really came to see the need to educate myself so I can make healthy choices; WW is a method, but I find they fall short on giving information specific enough to suit me. I started there and branched out to find out more, because I find it too general for my own needs. I wouldn't have known where to start without WW tho, and it gives a great groundwork to build on.
- I've learned to be much more comfortable doing things like eating in public, and shopping with others. I used to have a great deal of anxiety if I had to eat around other people, and I've learned this is very common among females with weight problems. I used to wait till I was alone before I would eat, and would hide food so I could eat it just so I wouldn't have to deal with someone else watching me. I never used to take lunch breaks at work because I couldn't bear eating where people could see me. Now I would raise the roof off the place in protest if I wasn't able to take my lunch break, and eating around other people doesn't make me nervous the way it used to. I don't feel other people are watching my every bite and judging me for it. I've relaxed into realising that most people couldn't be bothered with monitoring what others are eating, and it helps that the people who do notice what I eat tend to compliment my choices and praise me for it. I still get nervous sometimes about the amount of food I eat and worry that people will criticise, but mostly I have gained confidence in my lifestyle and in knowing that everything is balanced, and I still have a very healthy diet. I'm getting to a point where I don't care whether someone looks at what I'm eating and thinks "wow that is a lot of food", which is a huge victory for me.
- Exercise has become an essential part of my life, and what's more, I enjoy it! 100 lbs ago I was incredibly inactive, hell, for most of my adult life I was incredibly sedentary and inactive. I started off relatively slowly, but I've come to a point where as hard as it is to believe, I think I honestly have to categorise myself as being Very Active. Sometimes that still feels like a lie, but having looked at exercise charts of normal activity, I really do seem to fit in the exalted Very Active category. And what's more noteworthy is that my focus has shifted over the last 11 months whereby I have been making exercise goals instead of weight loss ones. I started off wanting the healthy lifestyle because it would bring about the weight loss, but that changed as I came to want the healthy lifestyle over and above the weight loss. Yes, I want to be thin, but my goal is to maintain a lifestyle of regular exercise and healthy eating. The being thin part will just come hand in hand. A small distinction perhaps, some would say, but to me this is such a critical change in me that it is monumental in its own way. It is about taking my pleasure and satisfaction from the way I am living, and not what my body looks like, which is awesome because no matter that I've lost 100 lbs, my body still has tonns of issues which are not going away anytime soon. And incidently, I've also shifted from wanting to be thin, to wanting to be curvy and muscular. As much as I love my bones, I never want them sticking out! I'm not aiming for a number, I'm aiming to be a particular shape, and as my interest in weight training keeps growing, I am less interested in losing weight and more keen on gaining muscle and strength.
- In general I am just much more relaxed about people looking at me and touching me. I always felt so akward around people, but I feel like I stick out less now, and it allows for a lot less anxiety when I'm out and around people. I'm finally getting to a place where I am liking how I look, instead of just looking at myself and liking that I'm getting smaller, but still hating how I look. Yes I still have rolls and I hate them, but the overall package isn't so bad and I'm liking the reflection in the mirror more and more.
- Odds and ends: I fit into bus seats now without overflowing onto the next person; people can actually sit next to me now without me noticing until I turn my head and see them. I fit into normal size clothing now when I used to be a size 26. I can walk up 7 flights of stairs with little effort when before I would still be breathing fast and my heart would be pounding 15 min later. I can be on my feet at work all day, day after day, without my feet being in agony, or even sore at the end of the day. I'm able to eat breakfast now; for years eating after I woke up made me incredibly nauseated. I've adopted such a healthy diet that I am rarely hungry between meals since I am eating food to fuel my body instead of eating empty crap. Conversely, even if I don't get really hungry, I have an appetite now for my meals because I eat 3 meals instead of once a day and have improved my metabolism. For the first time in a decade I am able to consistently lie down at night and go to sleep, and sleep all night till morning without troubles. My digestive problems have all but disappeared. My thighs don't rub together like they did when I walk. I don't sweat near as much, even in the sun. And I get cold...a lot And maybe one of the best changes of all...I don't have to be drunk to dance in public anymore.
100 lbs down, not that many left to go. Onward and downward! It's the Incredible Shrinking Woman! *flies away*
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Stranger things could never change my mind
1 week, 6 days till Home!!!!!!!
-OP: yes-activity: yes
My day was thrown off by plans that got changed in the afternoon, so I actually didn't have a dinner meal today. Definitely not preferable and I'm not pleased about it, but I could have had a late dinner but it would have meant a late supper, and I just chose to skip it and have supper at a proper supper time instead. I've been eating supper late at night again, and I really would like to get out of that habit. And I can't even blame it on work, it's just been because I've been letting myself get off schedule in the daytimes.
But either way, I'm fed and watered at a decent time for once, and I even had a big dessert of aple muffins which I made again, and my toes are all but curling at how delicious I find them. They truly satisfy my sweet tooth and they have a good heft to them, I expect I'll be making a lot of muffins from now on. I love how I can eat food I find so delicious and still lose weight!
Speaking of which, the scale is starting to move down again, thankfully. I've been at a standstill of sorts for over a month and it was starting to get annoying. I've been working hard, it's nice when the number reflects where my body is actually at. But even if it doesn't, I'm MUCH more concerned with being happier with my body than what the number is. I don't care if the number stands stock still for the next few weeks, as long as I notice a difference in my body size/shape. I tried on my goal shirt again today to try and gauge whether or not I could wear it in 2 weeks, and I honestly have no idea. I would almost think I could, if I worked hard and managed to lose more fat between now and then, but at the same time I'm clueless when it comes to clothes, and it might not look good on me. The thing is, I see girls all the time wearing body-hugging shirts while having rolls or big tummys. Now the argument could be made that they shouldn't be wearing them because it is not flattering, but all I see is that it is common that bigger girls wear tight clothes. I've worn shirts that hug my body since I've gotten thinner, and I guess the thing for me is that even tho I still got rolls, I'm smaller than I was, and I don't think I look so bad when I wear tighter shirts. Yes it would be preferable to have a flat stomach, but my stomach is a lot better than it was, and that is probably why I don't feel I look so terrible. But still, I don't want to be wearing clothes that no one would want to see me in. I wish I was able to figure these things out, but I guess I'll just have to try on the shirt for someone else and get their opinion. I would really love to wear the shirt, but not if people will think I look awful in it. Yes, it is what i think that matters, but in this case I'm not sure what I think, unlike the shirts I already wear.
Of course it might just all be a moot point anyway; I took progress pics yesterday and for the life of me I couldn't see a difference in my body from now and last March, so it might be too much to expect that I will make any progress on my body in hte next two weeks. I'm determined to try tho, I've done a tonn of exercise this week already, I did my workout today and a walk, and I'll do another walk tomorrow and hopefully some other form of activity too. I even made my workout a little harder today, increasing the intensity of one exercise and doing more of another. I'm feeling tired tonight but in a good way, and my body feels good. My quads were a little sore today and so were my biceps for some reason when I was lifting, but even after the jogging yesterday I felt no different today otherwise. I have to make sure I'm getting my food in over three meals a day tho and none of this skipping meals business. I need to be especially disciplined the next 2 weeks, it won't be long now! And I'm really becoming aware of how happy I'll be to have the suspense over with; I had an anxiety dream last night where I went home and no one noticed a difference. I was so upset that when I woke up I almost started crying. I've been dreaming of this for so long, I'm getting paranoid that I've built something up out of nothing. Well, 1 week, 6 days of hard work and then I will know, for better or for worse.
Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Just to have somebody by my side
2 weeks till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes-activity: yes
It really feels like crunch time now, with only 2 weeks left. I'm going to try and step things up a notch or two, and really give it my all now that I'm on the Home stretch. I'm going to go back and take a look at what I was doing the last few weeks before Nightwish, because whatever I was doing made a lot of difference in that time. Maybe I can make a difference in the next 2 weeks.
I did a lot of walking today and my legs are pleasantly tired tonight. I walked over past the grocery to check out a produce market and a butchers that some people at work had recommended. Funny how it was right there just 5 min walk from the grocery and I never noticed they were there because I never had reason to walk down that far. I was expecting better produce/lower prices from the way they were raving about the place, but the stuff I got was good enough, and while some things were more expensive, the things I got today were definitely cheaper. Looks like I have another place that will be one of my regular shopping places. How wonderful it would be to be able to do all my shopping in one place...preferably one really close to me. Instead I split my purchases over 4 places now, no wonder I never have time to think lately, what with work and the long commute and planning my meals and activity, exercising, and walking everywhere to do my shopping bits at a time. But this is my new lifestyle, and no one can say I've not embraced it. I had the rest of the muffins I made last night, and they tasted sinfully delicious to me even the day after. Pizza for supper and muffins for dessert, and to think I didn't eat all my APs today and haven't touched my FP.
Even with the walk to the grocery and the walk back carrying the bags I still went for a river walk. D accompanied me again, which was a lot of fun. Yesterday I was a little later setting out than I told him, and I was worried he would be waiting on me so I actually jogged most of the way up his street, something I have never done before. Today I wasn't running late, but I just wanted to do it again because it felt so awesome to actually jog like that, and I ended up running all the way up his street, and after we got back I ran all the way back down. I wasn't winded or killed from it either, I was breathing deep and steady and I felt like I could have easily kept going both times. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow after doing that, since I've never run before, but if I can I plan to keep doing the run on his street as a means of adding some higher intensity into the walk. I had wanted to actually start running, but until I get new trainers, I'm going to avoid doing it seriously lest I do damage to myself in these worn out shoes I have now. I'm pretty frickin impressed with myself, tho. I'm going to rock it these next two weeks!
Earned 10 APs today: 170 min brisk walking
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
It makes me feel like rain
2 weeks, 1 day till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
Today was so surreal, it started off okay but went downhill without necessarily being bad, just being strange. I let myself get distracted late morning, and it messed up a goodly portion of my day unfortunately. I wanted to get my workout in early, but instead I got most of it in later in the afternoon. Part of me is just happy I did it at all, as I really wasn't in the mood to do anything. I realised I could do it tomorrow, but decided to go ahead and do it today; I need to exercise when I have the opportunity, because when I put it off there's always a risk I'll end up working or whatnot, and not be able to get it in. I interrupted the workout 2/3 way through to go for a river walk, accompanied half way by D, which was lovely. He was afraid it was going to rain on him and his new trainers, but I assured him we'd be fine. With the cloud cover the trail was all but deserted so it was a nice mostly solitary walk. We chattered like magpies the whole time, as we are wont to do whenever we're together, and it did a lot to improve my mood, which was still very much off when I left for the walk. I felt so out of it, everything felt and looked abnormal to me. I feel a lot like that again now, but I think it's just because I'm so tired tho. There's been a lot going on for me lately.
I had extra points today because I didn't have a proper dinner, so I picked up some vanilla extract on the way home from my walk and I made muffins before I made supper. I altered the recipe I used last week for the banana muffins, and made this one with fresh apple and with cinnamon. I was a little nervous that it would be a disaster, but for the most part I figured it would work out, and I was definitely right. I'm not sure if they're moist or if they're maybe a little soggy, and the bottoms were a little too well done on the outside (I think I need to spray the pans more), but I enjoyed the ones I had for dessert very much. I'm so unaccustomed to "sweets" or baking these days that the muffins might not be great but I would be hard pressed to actually tell the difference. Ultimately this doesn't matter since I'll usually be the one eating them and if I'm satisfied that's all that matters, but I would like to be able to make them well, so that I can share them with others. It has bothered me my whole life that I've been dreadful at baking.
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
Today was so surreal, it started off okay but went downhill without necessarily being bad, just being strange. I let myself get distracted late morning, and it messed up a goodly portion of my day unfortunately. I wanted to get my workout in early, but instead I got most of it in later in the afternoon. Part of me is just happy I did it at all, as I really wasn't in the mood to do anything. I realised I could do it tomorrow, but decided to go ahead and do it today; I need to exercise when I have the opportunity, because when I put it off there's always a risk I'll end up working or whatnot, and not be able to get it in. I interrupted the workout 2/3 way through to go for a river walk, accompanied half way by D, which was lovely. He was afraid it was going to rain on him and his new trainers, but I assured him we'd be fine. With the cloud cover the trail was all but deserted so it was a nice mostly solitary walk. We chattered like magpies the whole time, as we are wont to do whenever we're together, and it did a lot to improve my mood, which was still very much off when I left for the walk. I felt so out of it, everything felt and looked abnormal to me. I feel a lot like that again now, but I think it's just because I'm so tired tho. There's been a lot going on for me lately.
I had extra points today because I didn't have a proper dinner, so I picked up some vanilla extract on the way home from my walk and I made muffins before I made supper. I altered the recipe I used last week for the banana muffins, and made this one with fresh apple and with cinnamon. I was a little nervous that it would be a disaster, but for the most part I figured it would work out, and I was definitely right. I'm not sure if they're moist or if they're maybe a little soggy, and the bottoms were a little too well done on the outside (I think I need to spray the pans more), but I enjoyed the ones I had for dessert very much. I'm so unaccustomed to "sweets" or baking these days that the muffins might not be great but I would be hard pressed to actually tell the difference. Ultimately this doesn't matter since I'll usually be the one eating them and if I'm satisfied that's all that matters, but I would like to be able to make them well, so that I can share them with others. It has bothered me my whole life that I've been dreadful at baking.
I had a NSV when I chose to eat less muffins than I could have since I had so many points left, but I was full so I stopped, even tho I could have had more. This was definitely a victory for me because my biggest issue has always been eating to extreme fullness as long as there is food left, and not being satisfied without being uncomfortably full.
Despite feeling surreal and a little disconsolate today, I did manage to feel a little more positive about my body today than I had been the past while. I still feel fat, but the rolls didn't bother me as much today. I was looking at my reflection this evening after I exercised, and suddenly I was just smiling, because I realised (not for the first time of late) that I'm now able to see my mother and my brother in my features, where I never had been able to do so before. I've always recalled the features of my father's family, but now I can see my mother's family in my face, and I take much happiness in that. My one brother has always been the one to favour our mother, but I have never felt we look alike, aside from me getting her nose, and her hips. It's been a gift to learn that I look like her after all. I wonder if others will think the same and/or comment on such things when I go home? Part of me wants another few months so I can try to get my body more to my liking before I see them all, and another part of me is weary of waiting and wondering and forever keeping secrets.
Earned 14 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 100 min brisk walking
Despite feeling surreal and a little disconsolate today, I did manage to feel a little more positive about my body today than I had been the past while. I still feel fat, but the rolls didn't bother me as much today. I was looking at my reflection this evening after I exercised, and suddenly I was just smiling, because I realised (not for the first time of late) that I'm now able to see my mother and my brother in my features, where I never had been able to do so before. I've always recalled the features of my father's family, but now I can see my mother's family in my face, and I take much happiness in that. My one brother has always been the one to favour our mother, but I have never felt we look alike, aside from me getting her nose, and her hips. It's been a gift to learn that I look like her after all. I wonder if others will think the same and/or comment on such things when I go home? Part of me wants another few months so I can try to get my body more to my liking before I see them all, and another part of me is weary of waiting and wondering and forever keeping secrets.
Earned 14 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 100 min brisk walking
Monday, June 16, 2008
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
2 weeks, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
I was dreaming about a certain someone this morning and woke up with that Simon & Garfunkel song in my head, and it's been there all day long. I've been down but I made it through the day just fine, work was uneventful and I did some shopping after and just got my bus but thankfully made it. I went for a river walk when I got home (D couldn't come with me because of plans that went awry, but we plan to go tomorrow instead). I came home and had supper right away even tho I usually veg for a bit so that I could be online to talk to M. I've been neglecting her horribly and there was no way I was going to lollygag tonight and miss chatting with her. I also managed to catch up quite a bit on my journal, and got recent summaries done, so I'm happy for that. I just wish my mood was better. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but every time I look at myself all I can think is how fat I look. Honestly, there were times today looking at my fat tummy that I couldn't percieve any difference in how it looks now and how it used to look, that's how big it seems to me. If I didn't know better I'd swear I must have put on 20 lbs since last week (or maybe 40), because last week I thought I looked decent but suddenly this week I seem so fat. It's mental the effect our mood can have on our perceptions without us even being aware of it. I've caught myself lately not meeting people's eyes in public (girls mostly) because I felt embarrassed about being fat. Talk about regressing into old behaviours!
Okay I have too much happening at once, I'll write more tomorrow.
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
I was dreaming about a certain someone this morning and woke up with that Simon & Garfunkel song in my head, and it's been there all day long. I've been down but I made it through the day just fine, work was uneventful and I did some shopping after and just got my bus but thankfully made it. I went for a river walk when I got home (D couldn't come with me because of plans that went awry, but we plan to go tomorrow instead). I came home and had supper right away even tho I usually veg for a bit so that I could be online to talk to M. I've been neglecting her horribly and there was no way I was going to lollygag tonight and miss chatting with her. I also managed to catch up quite a bit on my journal, and got recent summaries done, so I'm happy for that. I just wish my mood was better. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but every time I look at myself all I can think is how fat I look. Honestly, there were times today looking at my fat tummy that I couldn't percieve any difference in how it looks now and how it used to look, that's how big it seems to me. If I didn't know better I'd swear I must have put on 20 lbs since last week (or maybe 40), because last week I thought I looked decent but suddenly this week I seem so fat. It's mental the effect our mood can have on our perceptions without us even being aware of it. I've caught myself lately not meeting people's eyes in public (girls mostly) because I felt embarrassed about being fat. Talk about regressing into old behaviours!
Okay I have too much happening at once, I'll write more tomorrow.
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Omens
2 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
In some ways it was a typical Sunday, and in others it was anything but. I did get my workout in and I did let myself get distracted both before and during by anything shiney; that is part of Sunday, I tend to let myself be whimsical if the notion takes me. I was getting myself pumped up to exercise and ended up spending entirally too much time dancing and singing, but going off schedule is just part of the day. Only I had made plans so they got pushed ahead (a main reason I don't tend to make plans on Sundays, I'm too undisciplined on Sundays and prefer not having to stick to a rigid plan). The plans went way longer than I had expected (which also fit with the normal Sunday theme) and I had to rush to get my dinner made for tomorrow and my supper made for tonight. I missed Mum's call (on Father's Day too...never got to talk to Dad), and F called in the middle of supper preparations to remind me that I was supposed to call her after I talked to Mum. That call went on too long because we ended up talking about our trip and gift ideas. I still need to talk to M, I don't even know if Mum knows they're both coming home with me. Things are so hectic lately!
Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min walking
Weekly summary:
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
In some ways it was a typical Sunday, and in others it was anything but. I did get my workout in and I did let myself get distracted both before and during by anything shiney; that is part of Sunday, I tend to let myself be whimsical if the notion takes me. I was getting myself pumped up to exercise and ended up spending entirally too much time dancing and singing, but going off schedule is just part of the day. Only I had made plans so they got pushed ahead (a main reason I don't tend to make plans on Sundays, I'm too undisciplined on Sundays and prefer not having to stick to a rigid plan). The plans went way longer than I had expected (which also fit with the normal Sunday theme) and I had to rush to get my dinner made for tomorrow and my supper made for tonight. I missed Mum's call (on Father's Day too...never got to talk to Dad), and F called in the middle of supper preparations to remind me that I was supposed to call her after I talked to Mum. That call went on too long because we ended up talking about our trip and gift ideas. I still need to talk to M, I don't even know if Mum knows they're both coming home with me. Things are so hectic lately!
Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min walking
Weekly summary:
Earned 43 APs
12.1 hours (725 min) total activity
23 miles (37 kms) walked
20 FPs remaining
.8 lbs gained
Current weight: 189.4
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I couldn't stop saying ass
2 weeks, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
I was a bad girl this morning and slept in well past when I would have liked to get up, and then past when I SHOULD have gotten up. Thankfully I had the muffins I made because I didn't have time for breakfast (I'm out of eggs anyway), and just had enough time for a quick shower then out the door. I'm also thankful I was able to grab some vegetarian chili from the freezer that I'd put up from the huge crock pot full I'd made a couple of weeks ago to take with me to work. I ate my muffins on the bus and they were delicious and filling. And my dinner was really good as well, I was afraid the chili would be watery when I defrosted it and heated it, but it turned out well, so I got away with my lie in this morning after all.
It was a good day at work, frustrating at times because there's always so much work to do and I work so hard while most others don't have to. I worked with D tho and we always manage to keep each other's spirits up when we start getting down/frustrated. I managed to lose my pocket monster in the warehouse when I went to get security cases and didn't notice him missing till near the end of my shift when I saw B in the dept, but he had come to return him to me after finding him on the warehouse floor, and I was very chagrined with myself and grateful to him. I would have noticed him gone much sooner if I had not been working with D; I would have been trying to pat him for comfort.
There were messages on my machine this morning from F telling me that she's booked her tickets, so now she and M will both be coming home with me next month. We're trying to persuade D, and he wants to come but doesn't think he can manage it, but at least it's still a small possibility. F called the store to talk to me about it and we had a nice little chat about it, I hope mum calls tomorrow so we can start planning. I need to email M tomorrow, I'm so behind on email but I've not had a spare minute lately. D stayed late today and gave me a ride home, and we were talking for a while about things, and he was commenting again that he really wants to start taking care of his health again, and I started trying to get him to committ to something specific, and we ended up deciding that he would come with me for part of my river walk. I came in and changed and did some calculating, then walked to the point on the river that is by his street, then walked up his street and met up with him at his place. We drove back to the river and parked at the place I figured would let him walk with me for 30 min, which is what we felt would be a good time for him to start off at. He brought his son's dog and we had a lovely time. We've committed to going again on Monday; I'm hoping to get a river walk in tomorrow, but D doesn't need to walk every day, especially since he's just getting back into exercise. I love how he admires what I'm doing and respects my views/advice on health and exercise. I also loved having company for part of my walk, and I really hope this becomes a regular thing for us. Spending time with D does for my soul what the walking does for my body.
Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
I was a bad girl this morning and slept in well past when I would have liked to get up, and then past when I SHOULD have gotten up. Thankfully I had the muffins I made because I didn't have time for breakfast (I'm out of eggs anyway), and just had enough time for a quick shower then out the door. I'm also thankful I was able to grab some vegetarian chili from the freezer that I'd put up from the huge crock pot full I'd made a couple of weeks ago to take with me to work. I ate my muffins on the bus and they were delicious and filling. And my dinner was really good as well, I was afraid the chili would be watery when I defrosted it and heated it, but it turned out well, so I got away with my lie in this morning after all.
It was a good day at work, frustrating at times because there's always so much work to do and I work so hard while most others don't have to. I worked with D tho and we always manage to keep each other's spirits up when we start getting down/frustrated. I managed to lose my pocket monster in the warehouse when I went to get security cases and didn't notice him missing till near the end of my shift when I saw B in the dept, but he had come to return him to me after finding him on the warehouse floor, and I was very chagrined with myself and grateful to him. I would have noticed him gone much sooner if I had not been working with D; I would have been trying to pat him for comfort.
There were messages on my machine this morning from F telling me that she's booked her tickets, so now she and M will both be coming home with me next month. We're trying to persuade D, and he wants to come but doesn't think he can manage it, but at least it's still a small possibility. F called the store to talk to me about it and we had a nice little chat about it, I hope mum calls tomorrow so we can start planning. I need to email M tomorrow, I'm so behind on email but I've not had a spare minute lately. D stayed late today and gave me a ride home, and we were talking for a while about things, and he was commenting again that he really wants to start taking care of his health again, and I started trying to get him to committ to something specific, and we ended up deciding that he would come with me for part of my river walk. I came in and changed and did some calculating, then walked to the point on the river that is by his street, then walked up his street and met up with him at his place. We drove back to the river and parked at the place I figured would let him walk with me for 30 min, which is what we felt would be a good time for him to start off at. He brought his son's dog and we had a lovely time. We've committed to going again on Monday; I'm hoping to get a river walk in tomorrow, but D doesn't need to walk every day, especially since he's just getting back into exercise. I love how he admires what I'm doing and respects my views/advice on health and exercise. I also loved having company for part of my walk, and I really hope this becomes a regular thing for us. Spending time with D does for my soul what the walking does for my body.
Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking
Friday, June 13, 2008
Let the rain come down
2 weeks, 5 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
I am pretty exhausted tonight, today was every bit as tiring as I had anticipated, but it was still a good day for all of that. I attmepted baking muffins last night, but forgot to put the yogurt in, and and neglected to buy the extract, but they turned out well anyway. I'd planned to make a bunch and to bring a lot of them to work with me today, but I was pressed for time and decided to get up early and make a fresh batch to bring in with me. I was up at 5am and busy in the kitchen, and they turned out quite well. When D picked me up I handed the container over and he commented that they were still hot. I also made a lasagna last night for he and I to have for dinner, so my efforts in the kitchen were put out there for people to try, something I'm not used to. I hunted DP down and made him try a muffin because he never eats properly, and he ate it and took another for later, which made me very happy. I asked them if they would eat more if I brought them and they said yes, so I might make more in the morning depending on how late I sleep. It's very satisfying to make food that people enjoy.
It was really cold at work today, and when F got in she kept exclaiming over how cold she was, and finally insisted on me feeling her nose to see just how cold it was, only when I touched it she screeched and shoved me away because my fingers were so much colder than her nose. She had a fit because I kept trying to touch her then to determine whether she truly was warmer than I am, and she kept telling me to get my cold hands off her. It was hilarious and very telling of how much I've changed, because I've always been the one who was forever too warm. M couldn't get over it either, when she visited, usually she's the one putting cold feel on me, not the other way around. F had gone to her car to get a couple sweaters, but she ended up taking off one and insisting that I wear it. I shrugged her off saying that I could never fit into any of her clothes, but she threatened me with extreme violence so I tried it on, and not only did it fit but I could even zipper it up! I was so thrilled, I couldn't believe I was actually wearing something of hers. I found D and DP and showed them, I was so proud. Heck, I would have showed customers if I wouldn't have looked like a looney. It was a relief to leave work and be out where it was warm, even tho it was overcast and gloomy and humid. It had been raining earlier and threatened to do more, but I still changed as soon as I got home and went for a river walk. I knew I'd get wet and didn't care, and it rained for most of it, and I got quite wet. It felt really good tho, calming and refreshing, and I felt ess sore and even less tired by the time I got home. But right now I'm fed and watered and showered (the only way to really get dry afer being out in the rain is to take a shower) and I'm going into a daze I'm so tired. Mmmmm.....bed!
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
I am pretty exhausted tonight, today was every bit as tiring as I had anticipated, but it was still a good day for all of that. I attmepted baking muffins last night, but forgot to put the yogurt in, and and neglected to buy the extract, but they turned out well anyway. I'd planned to make a bunch and to bring a lot of them to work with me today, but I was pressed for time and decided to get up early and make a fresh batch to bring in with me. I was up at 5am and busy in the kitchen, and they turned out quite well. When D picked me up I handed the container over and he commented that they were still hot. I also made a lasagna last night for he and I to have for dinner, so my efforts in the kitchen were put out there for people to try, something I'm not used to. I hunted DP down and made him try a muffin because he never eats properly, and he ate it and took another for later, which made me very happy. I asked them if they would eat more if I brought them and they said yes, so I might make more in the morning depending on how late I sleep. It's very satisfying to make food that people enjoy.
It was really cold at work today, and when F got in she kept exclaiming over how cold she was, and finally insisted on me feeling her nose to see just how cold it was, only when I touched it she screeched and shoved me away because my fingers were so much colder than her nose. She had a fit because I kept trying to touch her then to determine whether she truly was warmer than I am, and she kept telling me to get my cold hands off her. It was hilarious and very telling of how much I've changed, because I've always been the one who was forever too warm. M couldn't get over it either, when she visited, usually she's the one putting cold feel on me, not the other way around. F had gone to her car to get a couple sweaters, but she ended up taking off one and insisting that I wear it. I shrugged her off saying that I could never fit into any of her clothes, but she threatened me with extreme violence so I tried it on, and not only did it fit but I could even zipper it up! I was so thrilled, I couldn't believe I was actually wearing something of hers. I found D and DP and showed them, I was so proud. Heck, I would have showed customers if I wouldn't have looked like a looney. It was a relief to leave work and be out where it was warm, even tho it was overcast and gloomy and humid. It had been raining earlier and threatened to do more, but I still changed as soon as I got home and went for a river walk. I knew I'd get wet and didn't care, and it rained for most of it, and I got quite wet. It felt really good tho, calming and refreshing, and I felt ess sore and even less tired by the time I got home. But right now I'm fed and watered and showered (the only way to really get dry afer being out in the rain is to take a shower) and I'm going into a daze I'm so tired. Mmmmm.....bed!
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Live at both ends but a little dead in the middle
2 weeks, 6 days till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes-activity: yes
Another night where I only have a minute to post. I'd planned to get caught up on things here today, but I ended up having company tonight and some of my goals went out the window. I did however get my workout in, the floors, a short walk, some baking, and cooking for tomorrow. I had planned an actual river walk, plus to get my journal sorted and some email, but I think I did pretty good, in light of things. I'm working early in the morning and I expect tomorrow will be a pretty tired day since I will be up so late, but sometimes it is worth it. Plus I will be working with D, and that is always a pleasure. I WI tomorrow and I'm not expecting to see a loss, which is disappointing, but whatever. Since I didn't get my river walk in today I want to do some time on the elliptical tomorrow, in addition to my planned river walk as it will be my off-day. I also want to get caught up on some bookkeeping. My life is so hectic lately, it's mental...I AM working part time, you'd think I'd have more time to get things done!!
Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics(2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min brisk walking
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Better than it has any right to be
3 weeks till Home!!!!!!!!
-OP: yes-activity: yes
I'm late getting in tonight, and I only have a minute to write because I'm about to fall into bed, but today was such a good day that I don't want to go to sleep just because I want to make it last as long as I can. And just when I thought the goodness was over, I see an email from M telling me she's booked to come home with me this summer. Today really was an awesome day.
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Bring me home or leave me be
3 weeks, 1 day till Home!!
-OP: yes-activity: yes
This day was a mess of failed plans and time wasted making said plans that failed. I wanted to get a river walk in today, but it ended up an accomplishmet just to get my workout in and most of the housework done.
F's convocation is tomorrow and I got her camera out to take with me and I looked at the pics I took at the concert for the first time since, and I got pretty emotional over it. I avoided the pictures because I needed some space, I was just too emotional about everything for a week or two after the concert, but I felt ready to look, and I got all teary, but it put me in a good mood, which I was grateful for. If I'd looked in the week after I probably would have got depressed from it. I've been a bit of a wreck emotionally for a while now, but I think I'm starting to sort things out a bit. Of course, the news on the family front is introducing new stuff, but there's nothing to be done for it.
I should get my supper soon. I'm out of sorts tonight, I'm in a good mood and a bad one at the same time. I know for a fact I'm restless, almost tempted to do some more exercise and sweat it out if I can.
Earned 8 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics(2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest
Monday, June 9, 2008
If you start now
3 weeks, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
It is destined that if I plan my day around one detail, the detail must change so that my whole day can then be royally pooched.
I planned today around getting home from work around 3:45. I had a short shift and wouldn't get a half hour break, only 15, and I decided to just bring carrots and an apple with me and that that would hold me over till I got home. I was going to eat the rest of my dinner then go for a river walk. I was too pressed for time yesterday evening to have made a meal to bring with me, and I would be so rushed this morning to make something that I decided to eat when I got home. So of course my coworker calls in and they can't get anyone to cover, and I'm by myself most of all morning and part of the afternoon. Since they didn't have anyone to cover there were hours available so I ended up working until 6pm. By 4:30 I was really starting to feel fatigued, and while part of it was from working a long shift and not having got enough sleep last night, I can see how much, if not all, of it was caused by not having a proper meal at midday. Carrots and an apple are simply not enough to carry me through till suppertime when I'm working. I've been tired on long shifts before, but not like today, I felt headachy and kept losing my energy as time went on and was having a hard time concentrating. It was a crappy shift from that perspective, but it was validating in a sense, because it reinforces for me the fact that the way I choose to eat really can affect my well-being and my ability to perform. I never really believed I could control how I felt physically before, and to learn that I really do contribute to how I feel from day to day is rather splendid, really.
Either way I didn't get the river walk in after I got home. I was tired and hungry, and settled for walking up the street to get milk and green peppers. It would have been nice to get the walk in, but it would have finished me to try to exert that muh energy not having eaten properly today. I did take a few minutes out to try on a couple of pairs of pants I'd been hoarding since late last fall, and they fit me now. One pair is actually a nice dressy pair of black pants, and I'm thinking I might wear them to F's convocation on Wednesday, if I can find a top in my closet to go with it. I'm still squeeing over the time I spent yesterday trying stuff on, and my discovery regarding my Goal Shirt. I'd not planned to be trying on clothes, but when I was sorting stuff for laundry yesterday I just took the notion and went ahead and did it. That's one of the things I love best about my Sundays; I'm not so strict about work before play, as long as the things that HAVE to get done are done, I let myself pick and choose over the things I could do but don't have to. I really hope I can wear my Goal Shirt when I go home next month, I can't believe how soon it will be that I will be going!! Mum told me last night when she called that Dad is not well, and I'm even more anxious than ever to go home and see my family. Again and again today I have thought about how very grateful I am that I chose to make this lifestyle change a year ago, because it means that I am where I am now, and that when I see my family I will have this wonderful surprise for them. I keep thinking about a fortune cookie saying that D got and had posted in the dept in the old store..."Think what you could accomplish if you start now", because it is soo true. Time slips by so quickly, the days rush past and then the months, and we could get so far if we just made the most of each day and didn't put our goals off. Weight loss takes time, and when I started I knew it would take a year at least to get to where I wanted, and because I made that choice to start, one year ago, I am now approaching my goal. We could be so far ahead if only we start when we realise what we want. I am so happy to be able to make this trip home having made this journey this past year.
Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
It is destined that if I plan my day around one detail, the detail must change so that my whole day can then be royally pooched.
I planned today around getting home from work around 3:45. I had a short shift and wouldn't get a half hour break, only 15, and I decided to just bring carrots and an apple with me and that that would hold me over till I got home. I was going to eat the rest of my dinner then go for a river walk. I was too pressed for time yesterday evening to have made a meal to bring with me, and I would be so rushed this morning to make something that I decided to eat when I got home. So of course my coworker calls in and they can't get anyone to cover, and I'm by myself most of all morning and part of the afternoon. Since they didn't have anyone to cover there were hours available so I ended up working until 6pm. By 4:30 I was really starting to feel fatigued, and while part of it was from working a long shift and not having got enough sleep last night, I can see how much, if not all, of it was caused by not having a proper meal at midday. Carrots and an apple are simply not enough to carry me through till suppertime when I'm working. I've been tired on long shifts before, but not like today, I felt headachy and kept losing my energy as time went on and was having a hard time concentrating. It was a crappy shift from that perspective, but it was validating in a sense, because it reinforces for me the fact that the way I choose to eat really can affect my well-being and my ability to perform. I never really believed I could control how I felt physically before, and to learn that I really do contribute to how I feel from day to day is rather splendid, really.
Either way I didn't get the river walk in after I got home. I was tired and hungry, and settled for walking up the street to get milk and green peppers. It would have been nice to get the walk in, but it would have finished me to try to exert that muh energy not having eaten properly today. I did take a few minutes out to try on a couple of pairs of pants I'd been hoarding since late last fall, and they fit me now. One pair is actually a nice dressy pair of black pants, and I'm thinking I might wear them to F's convocation on Wednesday, if I can find a top in my closet to go with it. I'm still squeeing over the time I spent yesterday trying stuff on, and my discovery regarding my Goal Shirt. I'd not planned to be trying on clothes, but when I was sorting stuff for laundry yesterday I just took the notion and went ahead and did it. That's one of the things I love best about my Sundays; I'm not so strict about work before play, as long as the things that HAVE to get done are done, I let myself pick and choose over the things I could do but don't have to. I really hope I can wear my Goal Shirt when I go home next month, I can't believe how soon it will be that I will be going!! Mum told me last night when she called that Dad is not well, and I'm even more anxious than ever to go home and see my family. Again and again today I have thought about how very grateful I am that I chose to make this lifestyle change a year ago, because it means that I am where I am now, and that when I see my family I will have this wonderful surprise for them. I keep thinking about a fortune cookie saying that D got and had posted in the dept in the old store..."Think what you could accomplish if you start now", because it is soo true. Time slips by so quickly, the days rush past and then the months, and we could get so far if we just made the most of each day and didn't put our goals off. Weight loss takes time, and when I started I knew it would take a year at least to get to where I wanted, and because I made that choice to start, one year ago, I am now approaching my goal. We could be so far ahead if only we start when we realise what we want. I am so happy to be able to make this trip home having made this journey this past year.
Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Dream on
3 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP:yes
-activity: yes
I'd wanted to be in bed long before this, but it is Sunday, my day, and as usual an unpredictable day. I got two phone calls that helped to throw the day off, one from M down south, and one from Mum. It didn't help that I felt the need for a nap this afternoon, and a sudden storm blew up out of no where and took one of my blinds and I had to venture out after the rain to go looking for it, and then got to visiting with the neighbours. I didn't get a river walk in, but I did get my workout in. I really don't know ow I feel at the end of this day, but I know I felt good earlier; I spent some time singing and dancing this afternoon, trying on clothes in my closest, and I realised that my Goal Shirt might actuall be wearable at some point, more specifically, when I go home next month.
Time will tell. Time always does.
Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min walking
Weekly summary:
-OP:yes
-activity: yes
I'd wanted to be in bed long before this, but it is Sunday, my day, and as usual an unpredictable day. I got two phone calls that helped to throw the day off, one from M down south, and one from Mum. It didn't help that I felt the need for a nap this afternoon, and a sudden storm blew up out of no where and took one of my blinds and I had to venture out after the rain to go looking for it, and then got to visiting with the neighbours. I didn't get a river walk in, but I did get my workout in. I really don't know ow I feel at the end of this day, but I know I felt good earlier; I spent some time singing and dancing this afternoon, trying on clothes in my closest, and I realised that my Goal Shirt might actuall be wearable at some point, more specifically, when I go home next month.
Time will tell. Time always does.
Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min walking
Weekly summary:
Earned 43 APs
12 hours (720 min) total activity
23.5 miles (37.8 kms) walked
32 FPs remaining
1 lb lost
Current weight: 188.6
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Apples and carrots
3 weeks, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
Another good day, I don't mind working the Saturday shifts because it always has a "Friday" mentality to it, since I don't work Sundays and Sunday is my day to enjoy myself. Plus I got to work the whole shift with D, which is always a treat. I saw a fellow who was one of my students a few years ago, and I didn't realise till afterward why he was confused at first whether it was me or not, I guess I look a little different. But he did recognise me so I guess I don't look THAT different. We had a lovely chat and I gave him lots of advice about applying to schools and such. After work I walked to the grocery nearby and priced my staples, tho I didn't have time to price them all because time got away from me (the store was really crowded and it was hard to move around) and I needed to catch my bus. I was out of carrots and apples so I picked those up, and afterward on the bus when I looked at my notebook where I've been doing my pricing, I saw that I had saved over 4 dollars over what I would have paid for those carrots and apples at the store where I usually shop for such. It was a little unnerving to see the difference; that's my bus far to and from work for a day. Most of the staples I did price (I did get most of it done) were cheaper at the work store, so it looks like I'll be doing most of my shopping there from now on. The days when I have a 30 min wait after my shift for the bus I might be able to get over to the store and grab odds and ends and get out to the stop in time to make it, which would be convenient, since I'd have to wait anyway. It would be nice if I could pick up things I'm short of without having to wait for the next bus, because the commute already takes so long. It would make it all a little less inconvenient; I've been rather unhappy with the change in locations so far in terms of the trouble it costs me, I could use some benefits from it to balance it out a little. I got home from work in time to get a river walk in, and while it was no where near as warm as it was earlier in the day, and a great improvement over the heat of yesterday, it was still humid and hot and I was feeling the effects of it when I got home, tired and achy. Even so I did enjoy it, no matter being tired from work and not enough sleep. I have to get a workout in tomorrow, come hell or high water.....or heat or humidity!
Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking
Friday, June 6, 2008
Guaranteed...
3 weeks, 5 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
...that I have a full day planned for today, and I get asked to work. Didn't get my workout in or the laundry done, and I won't even get started on the sorry state of my social life. I did get to see D for a while as he finished out his shift, and I got to work most of mine with F, which made it more bearable. We had a nice chat about my trip home, and how she might be coming with me. Turns out M might come too, only everything is up in the air. I hope decisions are made soon so I can start getting excited, right now I've grabbed my excitement by the scruff of the neck and crammed it into a box and am sitting on it so it can't get out. I don't want to get all worked up over something not decided yet, I get way too disappointed over things like that. So I'm playing the wait and see game. It's definitely not easy tho.
I walked to the grocery that is far away, needed to stock up on bread. Such a hot and humid day, but again I made it fine even covered up from the sun and walking briskly. I know a year ago I would have suffered and sweated up a storm, but I am so happy to see how much better I am able to tolerate the heat. I was in a listless stupor again in the afternoon however, when I was on the bus to work, sitting in the heat makes me stupid, it took at least an hour at work before I woke up, I HATE that feeling!
And speaking of that feeling, I'm brain-dead yet again...it is very warm tonight, I'm just sitting here and I'm still sweaty. Time for bed anyway, t'is late.
Earned 4 APs today: 70 min brisk walking
-OP: yes
-activity: yes
...that I have a full day planned for today, and I get asked to work. Didn't get my workout in or the laundry done, and I won't even get started on the sorry state of my social life. I did get to see D for a while as he finished out his shift, and I got to work most of mine with F, which made it more bearable. We had a nice chat about my trip home, and how she might be coming with me. Turns out M might come too, only everything is up in the air. I hope decisions are made soon so I can start getting excited, right now I've grabbed my excitement by the scruff of the neck and crammed it into a box and am sitting on it so it can't get out. I don't want to get all worked up over something not decided yet, I get way too disappointed over things like that. So I'm playing the wait and see game. It's definitely not easy tho.
I walked to the grocery that is far away, needed to stock up on bread. Such a hot and humid day, but again I made it fine even covered up from the sun and walking briskly. I know a year ago I would have suffered and sweated up a storm, but I am so happy to see how much better I am able to tolerate the heat. I was in a listless stupor again in the afternoon however, when I was on the bus to work, sitting in the heat makes me stupid, it took at least an hour at work before I woke up, I HATE that feeling!
And speaking of that feeling, I'm brain-dead yet again...it is very warm tonight, I'm just sitting here and I'm still sweaty. Time for bed anyway, t'is late.
Earned 4 APs today: 70 min brisk walking
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