The incredible shrinking woman!

The little comment that could

2009-06-25T13:23:00.005-04:00

I was visiting Cranky Fitness today, as per my normal daily routine, and I found myself wanting to comment on today's post. Only the problem is that I found I had a lot I wanted to share about my thoughts on this topic, and rather than try to stifle myself, I decided to just say it here instead of leaving a long rambly comment over there.

The post was called, "Segregate fat people: a good idea?", and the topic was the merits of offering yoga classes geared toward people who are overweight.

What a great post! I find it fascinating how word choice can affect the nature of some people's reactions. There were some passionate responses and I was interested in all of them. I find I got rather passionate myself about my views, thank you Merry for getting us all thinking, what fun! :)

Providing a class that accommodates different wants and needs is simply providing more options for people to choose from.

I definitely feel that the use of the word "segregation" has emotionally charged a topic that I believe normally wouldn't bat many people's eyelashes. Segregation, technically, is when something is NOT presented as an option, and you do NOT have a choice as to which you'd prefer.

If when you went to the gym, you were told that since you weigh over X amount of lbs, you would be put in the "Big Yoga" class, this would indeed be segregation, and not a positive thing at all. Anything that takes away your power to choose for yourself is obviously negative and undesirable.

But the post didn't mention other people doing the choosing for you, it talked about classes being made available that account for specific needs/wants. The key point is that they are made available, not mandatory. True segregation is based on some form of discrimination, but how can providing more options to choose from be considered discrimination? If you eat at a restaurant and notice the menu has a section titled "Healthy Choices" or some such, do you believe this some form of discrimination or segregation? Only if the server informs you that since you are overweight your meal MUST be taken from that section or you will not be served.

We all have different preferences and priorities, and we make our choices based on them. Having a wide range of options simply means that there is a higher chance that everyone can choose something that works best for them.

I really don't get why it is a big deal to some people. It's not like efforts aren't already made at gyms to accommodate various wants/needs. On the most basic level, a wide, wide range of exercise equipment can be found in any decent-sized gym. Why? It would be crazy to expect a person workout out to include every different type of equipment in the gym, they'd be there all day (and probably all night as well, because they'd be too exhausted to move afterward to get themselves home). The why is simple, lots of equipment merely provides lots of options, allowing people to choose for themselves what is best for them.

And again, you see this happening at all levels. There are classes offered at different times of the day. There are classes on many different activities/exercises. There are classes offered on the same thing, but the only difference is the instructor teaching it. There are gyms that provide daycare services. There are gyms that are geared toward a specific gender, or age group.

No one thinks this is a big deal, so why would it be a big deal to offer one more option? We all make choices based on our priorities, and all these options simply try to account for them, eg., whether your priority is to find a gym closest to you, or classes in the morning because you prefer to workout in the am, or classes at night because you work all day, or gyms with daycare because you have kids and no babysitter at home, or even to find the one with the cheapest rates, etc etc.

I found it interesting that some people seem to have a negative attitude toward people who choose classes or gyms based on the desire to exercise around people who are similar in shape and/or ability, or even gender. For some, their priority is to find options that allow them to be comfortable when they exercise. How is that less worthy than someone choosing a gym simply because it is the one closest to their children's school, and it makes it easier for them to pick the kids up when they're done working out?

I find the attitude that some express of "Choosing gyms because you feel self-conscious workout out around guys or fit people is silly! I don't care what people think of me and my body, I exercise where I like! Suck it up and get some self-esteem!" to be rather insensitive, close-minded, and downright distasteful. How lovely for you that you are confident and self-assured, it is a wonderful thing to have a healthy self-esteem. But the reality is that not everyone has your situation. Would you look at a parent who wants a gym with daycare services and say, "I don't have kids and I workout when I please! Suck it up and work out at night so your partner can watch the kids instead!"

It really bothers me when people dismiss other people's concerns/priorities just because they're not important to them personally. I wouldn't choose a gym based on its daycare simply because I don't have kids and that is not a priority. I also wouldn't choose a gym based on the attractiveness/availability of people of the opposite gender or whether the treadmills have tv screens attached either. These things aren't important to me, but why would I look down my nose at people for whom these are a priority? I will never understand such people, and thankfully they seem to be in the minority.

I will also add that ultimately we are all concerned with exercising in an environment where we are comfortable. Maybe you're slender and fit and don't feel out of place at your gym, maybe you're overweight but unconcerned with whether you stand out. You probably find it hard to understand why someone would be uncomfortable exercising around people who are slender and fit. That's okay, we're all different, and it can be hard to understand the way other people experience the world. Perhaps you can't relate to the reasons behind why it would make someone uncomfortable, because your personality is different, but you must be able accept that people would rather not exercise somewhere that they are uncomfortable. Surely it is not a foreign concept; how happy would you be going to the gym if the people there constantly spit on the floors, there was no air conditioning, and it was common for people to make derogatory sexual comments to members of the opposite gender and follow them around like stalkers? Bet you wouldn't be too comfortable, and no wonder! The only difference between this and feeling self-conscious and depressed when having to work out around fit people is that the one would make any sane person uncomfortable while the other only applies to certain people. Ultimately, we all just want to be comfortable and able to relax and focus on what we're there for. I would just be happy if there were enough options to accommodate us all so that we can be all happy and able to exercise in comfort and contentment.

Back in my most morbidly obese days, I remember seeing a short docu on tv about something that I believe was called "Big Dance". It was started by a dance instructor who was offering dance classes that were open to beginners of any slant. She started noticing that the people in her class who were overweight were having difficulties with some of the moves/exercises. She said that she had never thought before about how people had different physical abilities in terms of simple things like bending, and that she had only conceptualised her instruction in terms of people's familiarity with dance. She started changing her instruction to take into account that some moves might be physically difficult for some people in the room, and eventually she started a class that focussed on dance moves for obese women. She talked about how life-changing it was for her to see the effect it had on these women to be in a class with people like themselves, to be able to dance and celebrate their bodies and feel confident in themselves and their movements. They started performing publicly, and there were clips of their dances, and I will never forget watching these morbidly obese women in tights and leotards, swaying and dancing with joy and confidence while people watched. I was in awe of these women and their confidence. I was probably around 350lbs at the time, and was in the process of eating a meal that would have stuffed two normal people. I watched that docu and cried through most of it.

Personally, I think offering "Big Yoga" would be a wonderful opportunity for people to whom it is important to have a yoga class suited to their size and ability. It would provide an option for some people who are miserable in their present classes, or who simply don't exercise at all.

In many ways, offering "Big Yoga" is no different than offering classes geared toward beginners vs experts. I think there are some slender people don't truly understand this, but exercise can definitely be a different experience depending on one's size and shape. It's not simply about one's stamina, it's about many different things, including flexibility. There are slender people who have difficulty with yoga not because they're not necessarily unfit, but just because they're not very flexible yet. Conversely, when someone is overweight, and/or a certain shape, yoga in particular can be very difficult at times.

I tried yoga once, and found it very taxing, and it was a beginners DVD. I don't have good balance, and I carry the bulk of my weight around my middle. I found some of the poses very difficult and painful in ways that slender people probably wouldn't, just because of the added strain all this weight around my middle puts on me. Certain poses are going to be more difficult to assume and maintain when a person is overweight, or simply a certain shape. A class that is geared toward overweight people would be safer and more efficient. It wouldn't require people to assume positions that place higher amount of strain on the muscles/joints of overweight people for long periods of time, and it would offer more exercises that take into account having to twist and bend with less flexibility or having to accommodate big boobs or a huge tummy getting in the way. It would mean that people would be less likely to hurt themselves unnecessarily, or to have to sit through exercises that they can't do because they can't get into that position. Offering classes that focus on specific needs/abilities helps make workouts more efficient for everyone involved, it's the whole principle behind having classes for beginners vs experts.

The flip side is this: offering classes that people who are normally too self-conscious to exercise will feel comfortable taking will help them gain self-confidence. We often get it through doing, and many people will say that when they are surrounded by people they feel similar to, most people feel a boost in confidence. Getting a chance to try yoga with people one is comfortable with could be the stepping stone for a person to become confident to start trying other exercises. It's one thing to say people should be able to just do a thing, but the reality is that a lot of us really need those stepping stones.

And as I said before, it's all about providing options. It's only a bad thing if people aren't given the option to choose what they want. You would still get overweight people who would choose to do "Small Yoga" instead of "Big Yoga", maybe because exercising around other overweight people isn't a priority to them, or they do their own modifications to the moves, or maybe because they like the instructor, or the time of day is better, or because that's the one their best friend is in.

And you know what? I bet you would also get some slender people who would choose to take "Big Yoga", maybe because exercising around other slender people isn't a priority to them, or they find the modifications helpful to them because they have arthritis, or maybe because they like the instructor, or the time of day is better, or because that's the one their best friend is in.

As long as actual segregation is not happening, and overweight people who try to join "Small Yoga" aren't told "Get out, you're too fat!", and slender people who try to join "Big Yoga" aren't told "Get out, you're ruining it for the fat people!", then why on earth would it be an issue? Look around you, we're a society based on variety, one trip down the toothpaste aisle should bring that fact home to you. An option does not become a less worthy option simply because it is not one that is important to you or one that you or most of the population would choose.

In the end, people will choose what they want, and three cheers for anything that results in more people choosing to be active and leads to people feeling happier, more confident, and more fit! :D

Sweatin' buckets

2009-06-24T21:33:00.004-04:00

The temperature was near the mid-30s today, and with the humidity it felt like 40. It's only a few degrees cooler than that in my flat, despite the fact that the sun has set. I have a high-powered fan pointing straight at me and I've been having to sit on a towel. The moment I shift out of the fan's range a sweat immediately breaks out all over my body.

Looks like I can finally say it...Summer is officially here. Joy! (please kill me)

I've had some things going on that have distracted me from writing, personal stuff that has me emotional, and exercising that has me busy and tired. Definitely yay! for one and boo! for the other.

The heat and the humidity kicking in has definitely had an effect on me, I've had a couple more miserable river walks, but in the last week I've been really careful about getting a lot of water into me before I set out, and my walks have become enjoyable again.

I've also had to adjust the times when I go, and on a couple days, whether I would even go at all. Yesterday was a repeat of the Sunday before my last post; did the workout first THEN the river walk. But despite the fact that the temp was probably 7 degrees hotter, I didn't long to throw myself into the river as I had last time (whether to cool off or simply drown myself is uncertain). Instead, I felt excellent when I was making my way into my building afterward. Yes I was tired and I had sweated OBSCENE amounts, but I felt really, really good too. The difference this time is that I loaded up on water all day (not that I drank more than usual per se, just drank it earlier in the day instead of evening like I normally do), and maybe more importantly, I made sure to have a meal with protein in between the workout and the walk.

I'm so glad I waited till evening to walk, I left about an hour before sundown and the view on the river was absolutely gorgeous, the sky was purple and orange and the sun was a firely red and the river was such a pretty pale blue, and it was nice to be able to look around at it all instead of having to keep my head down against the usual bright glare of the sun. There was even a little breeze, and it helped me feel cooler and I didn't mind sweating buckets because I didn't feel like I was melting.

But let me tell you, did I ever sweat. Recently when I come home from walks and get undressed, my clothes feel very close to how heavy they are when I take them from the washer while doing laundry. I get a kick out of it, and I also use the heft as a reminder to me to guzzle the water.

I've been a little concered that I've been sweating out more than I'm taking in, in terms of sodium and electtrolytes, etc. I don't drink anything but water, and I eat pretty clean. But I noticed last week that the exact same things I always eat were suddenly tasting really salty to me. The same tuna I always eat tasted so salty that I had to get the can and examine it to make sure nothing was amiss. The next day my cottage cheese tasted so salty I was looking at it in confusion. Normally I dislike salty food, but I've not been bothered by the inexplicable saltiness of certain foods lately, it tastes quite good actually.

It didn't go away wither, it went on for days! This makes me wonder whether my body isn't getting enough sodium/etc to counteract all the excessive sweating I've been doing lately. Most health-conscious people try so hard to cut the salt way down, they don't stop to think that if you keep your intake constant, your body will be affected during times when you sweat more, as when you exercise and/or go through the summer months. I've been doing some reading to see if sensitivity to salt is a symptom of needing more sodium, but have had no luck at all. I keep getting the same cookie-cutter articles talking about how we have too much salt in our diets and salt is baaaaaaaaaad! I've gotten to a point now where I'm a little skeptical though, I think the hoopla around limiting it to 500-2300mg a day or whatever it is, might be unreasonable without taking into account such things as how much you sweat/exercise. I was reading an interesting study that talked about how most studies looking at the adverse affects of salt are not properly factoring for all contributing variables to the health problems they focus on. I'm not saying too much salt is good, I'm just saying I'm starting to have second thoughts on how little is best.

Either way, I've gotten rather obsessive recently about how much of what nutrients I've been getting, in light of the salt-sensitivity and periods of fatigue I was having. I've started journalling my meals very specifically, trying to find out exactly what my intake is. The food scale I bought with a Christmas gift card is prooving invaluable, as I always knew it would be if I ever managed to get one. I've been measuring and weighing everything, even the veggies, because I want to know what I might be lacking or getting too much of, and what I can possibly tweak so that I feel good physically, not to mention lose weight while feeling satisfied.

I will say that I have been tracking my sodium intake for the past week and it seems I do not go over the 2300mg a day of sodium it is widely recommended I should never exceed. Tracking for a week gives me a good picture because my meals have little variation, and if I haven't eaten it somewhere in the week then it's something I don't have very often. I'd been concerned that I should start trying to cut even more sodium out, but after the past couple weeks I'm thinking that I will not worry about that, not over the summer anyway. I'm still trying to decide if perhaps I might need a little more (seriously, you have no idea how much I sweat), I'm going to play it by ear and try to listen closely to my body.

Okay I've rambled on forever, there was more I wanted to say but I'll save it for the next post. Mental Note: you wouldn't need to ramble on forever if you posted more often. Gotcha.

A seventh of your life...

2009-06-15T20:18:00.002-04:00

..is spent getting through Mondays.

Normally Monday isn't a big deal for me anymore, but I both ate out last night and had adventures with tequila, so today did feel like Monday. As usual with the day after a drunk I was hungry all day; normally I have a very late supper but today I was hours ahead of schedule, I just wanted to eat and eat.

I stayed OP and I'm feeling better now, I'm just hoping I don't feel hungry again before bed because I have no points left. I don't get hangovers, I just get ravenous the next day. And I will often feel lethargic, as I have today.

I've felt tired and lazy and didn't do any exercise, but that was partially because of the heat and because I was absolutely wiped yesterday during my river walk. I did my workout first then did the walk right afterward and at first I was fine but halfway through I was wishing some bicyclist would run me over and put me out of my misery.

The worst was that my body suddenly became intensely demanding in terms of wanting to be fed. I could almost hear it yelling at me "Feed me, Bitch!" I tried silently reasoning with it that food would come later, when I got home and cleaned up, but it refused to listen. I then silently willed it to chow down on some fat stores while I finished my walk, but instead I think it started eating my lung tissue, because I started getting very achy. I think it also helped itself to some grey matter, as my brain ceased working properly and I lost my ability to think clearly. I no longer felt like I was walking, felt a lot more like trudging. And as I trudged I told myself that I need to be more careful about the timing of my meals when I'm exercising. I also decided I might take the day off today and recuperate, a decision that was solidified after the night's eventual activities. Right now I'm just looking forward to sleep!

Oh well

2009-06-13T19:43:00.003-04:00

So all right, that sucked mightily! The game started well, but then the Wings just lost their spark, I was disappointed the game wasn't more competitive. And of course I was also disappointed that they didn't win, if for no other reason than I hate seeing the home crowd let down like that. I always feel bad for the losing players, but when it's in front of the home crowd I end up feeling bad for them too, all 20-odd thousand of them. I found it interesting that for all the hype around Crosby, they basically won the game with him doing much of anything. The same goes for the the whole series actually, and yet every second word out of their mouth is 'Crosby'. Seems to me they did just fine without him. But whatever, lol, it's over and done with, I won't have any sports to talk about till NFL starts up again.

I'm still on track, in some ways I feel I'm getting even more on track with each day. I think it's because I've gotten the physical cravings mostly out of my system at this point. I'm finding myself to be much more satisfied with the food I'm eating. The mental cravings aren't gone yet, but they're getting less too, and they're easier to ignore when not paired with the physical kind at the same time. There are times my emotions trigger cravings for dirty carbs, but I've been able to resist.

I truly think that the key for me is to get into a groove. With each day I'm OP, the more reluctant I am to go off plan and ruin my 'streak'. And I suppose the key to getting back on plan truly is to just take it one day at a time, because each day truly makes a difference in the critical time early on when you're trying to get re-established.

I had planned a river walk today, but I didn't go. I wanted to walk to the grocery as well today, as I won't be lifting today as I lifted yesterday, and I did do that. But I could hear all this racket this afternoon and remembered that the Red Bull Air Races were today, and I knew it would be chaos down by the river. It's so hard to walk when there are people meandering everywhere on the path. I did a river walk last year the morning of the races and found the people very annoying, there were so many of them it was frustrating to try and keep my pace up while having to weave about them as they walked down the middle of the path.

So today I figured I'd give the river walk a miss. I did however walk to the grocery and back, 2 miles each way, and carried my groceries back, which I figure is easily the equivalent of a river walk at least. I got a big bag of green peppers, and a big bag of yellow and orange peppers, and I got whole wheat pitas and frozen veggies and some spices and parmasan, I'm quite pleased. Oh, and mushrooms, I can't get decent mushrooms up the street, makes me crazy!

Still, I would have liked to do both a grocery run AND a river walk in, though; it's strange how guilty I feel, as though I didn't exercise today, just because I got my activity from running errands instead of just for the sake of exercise. As if activity isn't activity, as long as the intensity is the same. I suppose it would be much more preferable to be able to get your activity just from practical things like running errands, that would leave the rest of your time free for leisure, but there it is. I still would have liked to walk by the river today, it is a nice day for it, cloudy and grey and I wouldn't have been fried by the sun for once. Incidentally I'm just glad that activity is becoming a part of my routine again to the extent that I feel weird if I don't get planned exercise in!

Go Wings Go!

2009-06-12T20:48:00.003-04:00

The first period just ended of the Stanley Cup Final, and me nerves are gone! I did a workout and was rushed just before the game to make a meal, a very, very late lunch. I'll have supper after the game, but I was hungry and made scrambled eggs with tons of peppers and onions (it was sooo delicious!). I was in the kitchen finishing making it when the game started, I was frantic that I might miss something exciting. Apparently I didn't need to worry though, it's a scoreless first period. Competitive though, fast-paced.

The playoffs have been good motivation for me to do my workouts, because I've been wanting to be finished and cleaned up to be waiting for the start of the game. I've been converted into a real Red Wings fan this year, it's hard not to get caught up with the excitement, but I cheer for the Wings because they have Dan Cleary, homegrown, fellow Newfoundlander, how could I be here and NOT cheer for the Wings?? lol Don Cherry is praising him right now on Coach's Corner, the part at the beginning of the game where he was standing in the river and hefting an octopus, you can see the Windsor side of the river over his shoulder, right where I go for my walk. A friend of mine works for the Red Wings during playoffs and he got me in with him to watch one of the games in round 1, and when I saw Dan come out I was screaming my head off, I was so excited to see him there!

If they win it I'll go out on my balcony and listen to them partying in Detroit, I bet I see fireworks, they love setting them off when they win championships. When I went for my river walk this afternoon, I was looking over at the Joe and I could see crowds of people there already. I was wishing so badly that I could be there, but I don't know if I could handle the stress, it's bad enough sitting here by myself. Nothing like a good competitive playoff game to keep your heart rate up!!

I won!

2009-06-11T21:14:00.002-04:00

I won I won I won I WON!!! *happy dances n wiggles!* :D

About a week ago I was making my daily visit to one of my all-time fav blogs, Cranky Fitness, and I saw they were doing a giveaway for these things called Sleep Phones. The blogs I frequent often have cool giveaways, the kind where basically all you have to do to qualify is make a comment on the post (oh, and have had parents who birthed and raised you in the United States..hee), but I've never entered any before. This is mostly because the contests are usually for US citizens only, plus I never feel very lucky. But as soon as I saw this post I knew I was going to enter, something was telling me I had to do it, especially since it was open to anyone no matter which country you happen to call home.

It still almost didn't happen, because I had just installed a new browser, and when I first read the post I wasn't able to see the verification code to add a post, so I decided to go back and do it later. My memory is not always the greatest, but those Sleep Phones were in my mind, I knew I wanted them badly, and I remembered to go back on the last day to qualify and make my comment. I was the third last person to enter, and thought it might hurt my chances somehow; surely the random number generator would pick randomly from the middle of the pile! Yes I know, humans can have some very illogical ideas about the meaning of 'random' and estimating chance, all my many stats professors over the years are probably all somewhere shaking their heads at me. Well, as long as they're not all somewhere doing it together in some sort of conference on Delle Stupidity or some such.

But I won! I truly did! How terribly exciting! I am sooo full of squee and glee, I've been bouncing around ever since I found out. I would have found out yesterday but I was super bummed out yesterday and generally unimpressed with the world, and felt that laying in bed doing nothing was much preferable to going online and following my normal routine. I even had the thought that the winner would be announced, but in the end decided to wait to check; too bad I hadn't been on the comp, it sure would have cheered me up some! But better late than never, I'll take cheeriness whenever it comes!

I can't wait to try these earphones, you would not believe the troubles I've had with trying to wear regular over-the-head earphones to bed. I can't sleep on my back, so it made for very painful ears/neck/head while sleeping on my side. To try and get around this in the past I've actually resorted to taking the computer speakers to bed with me (not on the first date though, of course!), and positioning them so there was sitting on either side of me as I slept. That worked better than trying to sleep with headphones on, but then the speaker wire got damaged from getting caught in the frame of my bed and the speakers I have no don't have wires long enough to stretch. I've been having renewed trouble with insomnia again this year and I've taken to falling asleep while listening to my favorite audio book, I just play it on my laptop. The problem becomes when I have company over or when I sleep elsewhere I don't have that option. Plus I've recently acquired some noisy neighbours and I've been having to put up with a lot of noise when I try to sleep. I'm going to be haunting the mailbox till these babies make it here, I'm indecently thrilled to have 1. actually won something, and 2. won something I wanted that will actually be incredibly useful and practical for me! :D *squiggles and wiggles!*

A sunny Tuesday

2009-06-09T13:21:00.002-04:00

I've been awful about keeping up my journal, but to be honest there wasn't much to say. I've been having a lot of issues and things going on in my life, and I've been having a lot of trouble pulling things together. I gained some more weight, the exact amount shall not be spoken, since I am struggling with a lot of guilt and shame and am trying to let it go as much as possible. I've been hiding because I don't want to admit it, so I figure if I don't admit it I can find the courage to come out of hiding at least. Suffice to say that the clothes I was wearing last summer are way too snug and uncomfortable now, and that is probably one of my biggest motivators right now to get back in shape. It's not easy, but one day at a time is all you can do.

I've been attempting to get things under control for a while, but it's been a lot of start and stop. I've found myself really vulnerable to emotional eating over the fall and winter months, and it's been really difficult to stop the binging. I ate so well the year before, but I also wasn't dealing with a lot of the personal issues I've been faced with lately.

This time around however, I didn't talk about getting back on track, I just did it. I didn't want to talk about it and not do it again so I just kept quiet and put my energy into the behaviours. I'm doing really well, I've been tracking and OP for a month, after so many months without tracking at all. I've noticed the past few days that I'm finally starting to settle back into the healthy diet; for a long time there I was having fierce cravings for dirty carbs, and it was killing me some days to avoid a binge. I'm eating almost exactly the way I did when I lost most of the weight, and I'm getting to a point where I'm looking forward to my meals again and finding satisfaction from them, instead of wishing constantly that I was eating something else.

What I think I'm most proud of is that I'm back into an exercise routine! After the injury I had late last summer I just fell off track and never seemed to get back on. It took a long time to heal, but by then I was distracted by life and got just plain lazy. I tried during the winter to get things in hand, and started to get a routine with my elliptical, but then it broke and I was up the creek. But the weather is fin (getting too fine actually, I sweat buckets when I exercise now), and I'm back to walking and lifting. Last week I had absolutely NO motivation to workout, but I did anyway, and I am super proud of that. I was PMSing like crazy, much worse than usual, but I was determined to stick to my new routine and I did. I have been revelling in the feeling I get from exercising, and I'm focussing hard on making it a positive force in my life right now.

In terms of losing the excess, it is achingly slow going, to the point that I'm not really showing much if any of a loss from week to week. This can be incredibly disheartening, as I am miserable with my body as it is and I want to get back to where I had been as fast as possible. Of course after losing so much weight I know better than most that it takes time, but the thing is that it's MUCH MUCH MUCH slower than it had been before, even though I feel I am doing everything almost exactly the same. Perhaps it's because I'm so impatient to see results, but I was always impatient. I just keep telling myself to concentrate on the behaviours, and that the rest will follow in time. I'm hoping that the fact that I jumped back into doing a lot of exercise instead of gradually building from a small bit is one of the reasons the scale is being stubborn. I've been lifting for about a month, I can see more muscle tone, and that affects the scale, particularly in terms of fluid retention. I've also had a period and have been eating out (counted for in points) but I only very rarely ate out before, so while I think my routine is exactly the same, of course it isn't.

The one thing I've found I've been missing the past week is journalling here, and I think that is yet another sign that I'm getting back on track. I'm finding that I'm motivated to talk about my successes and even my struggles from day to day, it helped me so much while I was losing before. Journalling isn't something I want to force myself to do, I want it to be natural, just like I want my healthy lifestyle to be natural again. Of course, nothing is ever easy, but I'm starting to feel good, and I'm looking forward to feeling even better!

The Monday after

2009-02-23T14:31:00.002-05:00

I had expected to be back here before now, but I've had some things distracting me the past couple of weeks, and I'm still trying to ease back into things gradually instead of setting tonns of goals and determining to be perfect. I noticed that I had comments on my last post, I was so surprised, as I'm not used to that! I was touched that people took the time out to read my words and to go out of their way to comment.

I've not been on the scale since about last Wednesday or so, but I've been weighing pretty regularly, every day or so, overall. The scale was showing up again, even though I had been strict with my diet for over a week. It will take time for me to get a feel for things and how the scale is going to react. I had such a strict routine last year that I knew what the scale was going to do from week to week, but now that I am making different decisions I have no way or predicting. I'm not too worried about what it is doing week to week, I'm going to be looking more at what it is doing month to month, since that will be the true tell as to whether things are working. I'm being reminded at how weight loss takes so much time, but you can gain so much weight in just a few days of binging.

I haven't been tracking since last Wednesday either, I've not been home most of that time, and usually didn't have access to a computer. I knew that I was going to be unable to track for at least two days, and that I would be eating out. I also took that into account in my food choices early in the week. I know I could have done better over the weekend, but overall I'm not displeased. I wasn't perfect, but I still kept a measure of control. It was tempting to go all out, but I weighed each decision before I made it, and ultimately I denied myself permission to binge. Again I worked on cutting back instead of cutting out; I had cheese with a few meals, when last year I would have had none, but for the meals where it was a condiment (what is the proper term?? it is escaping me at the moment), I kept the amounts very small. I also had a little bit of dessert with one meal, but I shared with another person instead of having my own.

So it wasn't a blow-out weekend, but the days of un-tracked/unplanned meals lasted longer than I had expected, as I'd thought I'd be home by Friday night but didn't get back until Sunday afternoon. I did choose to eat what I liked last night without tracking, when I could have, but I decided that it was what I wanted and that I would pay the price. The price of course is that I'm having some cravings today, but I can handle it. I'm wishing I had some junk food (craving chips and chocolate, in no particular order), but all I have to do is endure it, since I have no junk in the house to eat no matter how tempted. I do however have lots of wonderful veggies, since the friend I spent the weekend with (JB) took me shopping yesterday before dropping me off, and I stocked up on good things. I bought a big bag of red peppers, green onion, carrots, romaine, apples (I never never eat enough fruit, something else I keep trying to improve on), mushrooms, green beans, celery, my fav frozen veggies, and a big bag of zuccini. I also got other essentials like whole wheat pita, yogurt for baking, tuna, and diced tomatoes/sauce for cooking. I am actually pretty excited when I look in my fridge and see the zuccini, it's been months since I've bought any, I've not seen any at my regular store that have looked fit to buy. These ones are firm and big and oh so pretty! I bought a bagful, and now I need to decide my next two meals for the day and see if I can incorporate the green lovelies, using my WW tracker of course. Definitely got my veggie mojo going!

Hello February!

2009-02-02T23:59:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to make any grand pronouncements. I'm still where I left off last time, trying to get a routine back into my life. I have been putting a lot of effort into getting my eating back under control over the last month, and I'm finally having success with it. At first I started cutting out the junk, and eating more of the foods I ate consistently when I was OP, then I started working on portions sizes. This is my second week I believe of counting points every day, and I'm feeling pretty good. When I was last posting here I was having a lot of dicculties with cravings, but I'm not having near the same struggles now. I'm starting to see the extra weight begin to come off and it's doing me a world of good.

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking.

Being okay

2008-12-08T19:25:00.002-05:00

Yesterday and today turned out rather differently than expected, I've not had much time online before now really. Watched a bit of football yesterday with a friend, and some House, MD, which is my current obsession. I didn't make great food choices, but for the most part I didn't have a whole lot of say in the meals, but I did make some effort and tried to control portions. I had most of my flex so even tho I wasn't able to count, I'm not calling the weekend a write-off by any means. I really must get back to exercising regularly, no matter about my elliptical being broken, it will probably help balance things out. I've not slept well the past few nights and I'm really tired tonight. My back has been aching because my period was looming, and now that it's started I'm hoping the aches and the cramps will stop. I'm also hoping I get to sleep easily tonight and that the insomnia that has come back to plague me buggers off and lets me get to bed at a decent hour. If I end up staying awake all night I'm sure I'll end up hungry and having cravings, I had a really early and light supper today. Fingers crossed for sweet dreams tonight!

When did Saturday happen??

2008-12-06T18:47:00.002-05:00

I know the time is passing quickly, but this week went super fast. I keep getting disoriented about what day it is, and I'm always behind. I only have a few minutes but I wanted to post since I didn't have a chance to do it yesterday. I got a call from the building manager yesterday and she told me that contractors would be by in the afternoon to fix my heat, which was a very welcome call. Two very nice, polite young gentleman showed up and sorted it out for me and now I have a few thermostate and a new hole in the wall because the wires were such a mess inside they had to do some sort of a bypass, but they put a plate on it and it is tidy enough, they even swept up the mess from the carpet. Right now I'm on my way out the door and my ride just showed up. I just wanted to let the record show that I did go out to dinner last night, and wasn't able to count the points, but I did however take a lot of care to try and control my portions, and ate as slowly as I could manage and waited a while before seconds and drank lots of water, so go me!

Momentamum

2008-12-04T16:16:00.003-05:00

I got a surprise yesterday when I logged onto the WW site to access the food tracker so I could sort out my meals, and discovered that WW has done a bit of an overhaul to their program. I used to follow the Points system, but now they're calling it Momentum or some such. What used to be very straightforward is now less straight forward, however, after some reading and frowning I discovered that it is more or less the same ideas, just structured a little differently. The main change is that WW is now (THANKFULLY!!!!!!!) talking about the specific kinds of foods that people should be eating. It talks about 'filling foods' and how there are foods that make you feel full longer and that it is good to try to incorporate as many of these into your diet as possible. It gives a list of sorts, but it is an excellent framework, particularly because they gave none before, aside from the 8 Healthy Guidelines. It took me a lot of reading and researching to learn about what types of foods I should be eating, and I was honestly very disappointed and frustrated that WW gave so little nutritional information. The filling foods list is made up of whole grains and specific types of veggies and lean meats and such, many of which make up the brunt of my diet, but let me tell you, it took months and months before I realised which foods are better for me. It's one thing to say eat fruits and veggies and stay away from high-fat/cal food, but for those of us who are clueless about nutrition, it is actually really hard to know which foods give you the most gain. I'm on a budget but it takes a lot to fill me up, so I was really motivated to find foods that give me the most bang for my buck. It's good to see that WW is putting emphasis on these types of foods, even tho most of my foods already come in on this list, I'll still be able to get some new ideas from it. Interestingly the food tracker now has a hunger tracker, and while they only give you options for a specific number of meals a day, I'm still going to give that a try. Yesterday I made a supper meal but ended up boxing up the rice dish because I felt full by the time I got to it and so I'll have it for supper today. It was nice to be full and satisfied but still have food left, all my food yesterday came off the filling foods list, looks like I've been making good choices!

As long as your toes aren't blue, you're fine

2008-12-03T15:15:00.003-05:00

I've embarked on the delightfully fun task of battling to get my thermostat fixed so that hopefully this winter I don't have to use the oven to get warm sometimes. I was informed by the maintainence guy today that the company who owns my building have decided in the past that they don't have to do anything as long as you are getting the legal minimum of 72 degrees of heat. He said this after insulting me rather thoroughly by asking me what the problem was, ignoring my explanation, and then giving me a lecture on how to operate the thermotat (apparently you turn it up higher to make more heat come out...no wonder I've been cold!). I have a headache and I'm dealing with food cravings and I really wish this heat problem resolves with little fuss. I've two days of clean eating under my belt (or would if I had one). I've been craving potatoes like mad, so yesterday I bought some (first time I've done that) and had some with supper. I need to work on the recipe tho, they came out too liquidy. I had some difficulties last night when I was feeling incredibly driven to eat even tho I don't really think it was hunger. I honestly had trouble telling. I decided to have a snack, and used flex for it, and am telling myself that it's going to take some time before I get my groove back. I'm feeling good about it tho, I'm determined to make it through and hopefully in a few weeks my once-loose jeans will stop being snug.

Ix-nay on the ocolate-chay

2008-12-02T13:55:00.002-05:00

I did really well yesterday food-wise, I had planned out my meals, but I ended up pushing aside my supper after only eating half of it. That was not an issue because I had planned a big meal and had been using flexies to take care of it. I was just so hungry most of the day that I figured I'd be extra hungry. I'm glad I didn't eat it just because I could, one of my biggest issues is wanting to eat till I'm stuffed.

I had to white knuckle it a few times yesterday tho, one time in particular while talking to a friend and a lengthy conversation about food ensued, with a big focus on chocolate and included detailed stories about chocolate shops and emporiums and eventually I had to insist the conversation move away from the food because it was definitely triggering massive cravings.

I have such a weakness for chocolate and dessert, it's one of the big things I'm struggling with right now. I suppose my brain is low in seratonin and is extra motivated to think about the chocolate, but knowing the why of it doesn't help me much, other than telling me I should try to up the level of my cheerful chemicals some other way. It would be so much easier if I could just drink a bottle of seratonin and call it good...I wonder how many calories it would be?

Cancel the fanfare, please

2008-12-01T15:03:00.003-05:00

I've gone another long stretch without posting, so now I'm going to try something completely radical...posting earlier in the day!

Well okay, so maybe it's not THAT radical of a concept, but I have always and forever posted here at the end of the day. I wanted to keep that up (did I mention I can be resistent to change??), mostly because I felt it would help me get back into my old routine.

So here I am finally admitting that the old routine is dead and in the past and that I need to mourn it and think of it kindly because it served me so well...and then move on.

Right now my priority is getting a routine back, period. I have said a few times that my life is different now than it had been over the year I was losing the majority of the weight, but I suppose I have not truly appreciated just HOW different my life is. In some ways I actually have a lot more time on my hands, but at the same time there are some very different factors. Not being employed means I can structure my day however I want, but it also means that I am feeling too demotivated and depressed to want to do anything with my day at all. I also find that I have a tiny bit of a social life, so while before my evenings were always spent at home if I wasn't working, now I find myself with plans a lot of evenings, which has been one of the main reasons that my whole comfortable routine of writing in my journal at the end of the day no longer works for me. Add in that I like to write about what I did, and I've not been successful at doing much of anything lately, and the end result is no journalling at all.

I've struggled with it, but I am still so much of a perfectionist that it often hampers me and reaching my goals. The thing I don't like about writing early in the day is that I'll probably spell out all my goals and things I want to accomplish that day, which is awesome, but what happens if I slack off and don't do any of them?? That means the next day I'll have to admit to that. It is easier to say what you've done at the end of the day then to say what you want to do, because in one you're just reporting, but in the other you're actually committing yourself *cue scary music* How terrifying that I might actually have to follow through on something...I might fail! Then I'll look like a failure! And feel like a failure! And probably actually BE a failure!! Ohh, the woe!

But then I suppose there is an alterative to all the scariness..I suppose I could just write without actually going crazy on spelling out all the wonderful productive things I'm going to do with my day, and instead just play it by ear. Tho admittedly, it wouldn't hurt me to make a few small committments, and then stick to them. Today I had been planning to eat completely OP, but a big part of me would also like to try to get some activity in, mainly because I have been battling insomnia again, and sweating more during my day will very likely make it less difficult for me to fall asleep at night. I'm just not sure how to go about it; I was getting into a groove over this past month of getting back into activity, and I was starting to log some great regular time on my elliptical and was getting into a routine with it, when the damn thing broke, and I need to find a new bolt for one of the steps someplace because the old one is stripped. I was honestly very pissed when this happened, because walks aren't much of an option for me right now, and I loved having the option to get high intensity cardio right here at home.

But whatever, I'll get that sorted when I can, I'll have to figure out something else to do. It's a beautiful winter's day out (read, cloudy and snowing...mmm!), and I'm going to make the most of it...non-specifically!

Stillness of a different quality

2008-10-22T22:33:00.003-04:00

I woke up today wanting to lift, but I ended the day not having done it. I got caught up with doing stuff on the comp, and the next thing I knew the afternoon was gone and I had to get my walk in before dark. I want to have enough time to go over what exercises I will do in my new regime, as I'm still not exactly sure which ones I will be using. I also have one of those swiss balls or whatever they're called, but I've not had a chance to use it yet, and I want to puruse the DVD that came with it.

In the end, I'm not disappointed that I didn't actually lift, but instead I'm thrilled that I wanted to. Today was a great day, I felt focussed and in control. I had cravings and such, but I was able to stay strong without having to struggle to do so. I love feeling like I am getting my mojo back, I want to see the scale moving down again, and I want to end my days happy with the choices I made.

The thought ocurred to me while I was walking this evening that even tho I put about 15 lbs back on again, there were still some positives to the last few months and the time I spent off plan. The last year I've been literally almost constantly preoccupied with losing weight, to the point of obsession. I knew that I was obsessed, but I chose to just go with it because I also knew it was a temporay thing. My main goal was to lose as much as I could before my trip home in July, it had never been my intention to maintain that kind of intensity forever. Nonetheless, despite knowing I was working toward an end point and was not meaning to go on as I was indefinitely, I was still left out of sorts and directionless after I got back from my trip. I never really thought too specifically about what came after, and as a result I really struggled when I tried to find a groove to get back into. It of course did not help that I had spent two weeks not tracking, eating various foods, and not exercising. The consequences were that I ended up slipping completely off plan, but in getting back on track I am finding that I am no longer obsessed with losing weight, and that somewhere in the last few months I have adjusted to being in this new body. It's starting to feel natural and more real to me than it did before the trip. I still want to lose more weight and get to my goal, but it's not consuming my every waking thought, it's not a constant worry. The race is over, so to speak, now that the trip is done, and I'm not feeling pressured by time. Now is where I need to settle more into a lifestyle, and find a routine and a groove that will work for me for now on. It's almost as tho I need to prepare to maintain, even tho I had a ways to go before I reach goal. Despite not being OP the past couple of months, I still think I learned some things about what it is like to just live this lifestyle without constantly thinking about it. It gave me a chance to think about other things and get some distance from the frenzied obsessed me I had been for the past year. I've had my struggles in getting back on track the past week or two, but I am enjoying the sense of calm I am feeling right now. I want to get more of my focus, but I also want to maintain this sense of calm, and to refrain from becoming obsessed all over again. I knew that was temporary, so let now be about finding a new headspace that I can embrace and go forward with.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

You know I love you baby please don't go

2008-10-21T23:59:00.002-04:00

I had a busy day but a good one. I did housework and laundry and my comp work and got a river walk in, and J took me shopping so I was able to stock up on things I needed. It's always a nice feeling to have the fridge full of healthy freggies and the cupboards stocked with things I like to cook with. The bill is NEVER nice, but unfortunately that part can't be avoided. I often wish food was free, but I suppose that would cause a lot more problems, still I wish certain healthy foods were cheaper. I started to say I wish they were cheaper than certain junk foods, but I deleted that because I thought back over the past couple months when I was eating off plan a lot, and to be honest I was paying more for the types of food I was eating then than I do when I'm eating OP. That's something to keep in mind, especially these days when I have no income.

But never mind that, the point is that I was able to do a proper shopping trip for the first time in a very long time, and it's nice knowing I have what I need right now without having to plan my meals around what I don't have in stock, or knowing I have to go shopping before I can make something. That's fine in the summer months, but the weather is starting to get cold and wet and I would prefer not to shop day to day like I often do in the warm months.

J was also kind enough to take me to Chapters so I could get the 10th and 11th books of the Sword of Truth series, and I am in an absolute lather over burrowing into them as soon as I can. I want to try and portion them out so that I don't binge on them and make them end too soon, but it will be difficult! I had the thought that I should make reading a reward for getting my work or particularly my exercise done, the same way I have saved my Angel DVDs to only watch when I exercise. It will kill two birds and will help me reach goal in the meantime.

We ate out for supper, which I thought was a possibility and had so saved my points and made extra sure I got activity in. I had no idea where we would go however, so I wasn't able to plan my meal, but I did track it when I got home. I did really well, but I did go into the flexies again, which is something I have wanted to avoid this week, but I didn't go in by much. I had the chicken fajitas and they were soo tastey. I also said not to bring the guacamole, sour cream, tomatoe-bean filler, and to instead give me some salsa and hot sauce to use as my accessories. I also asked them to half the cheese portion; normally I would have said to nix the cheese as well, but I needed a second dairy portion and was in the mood for cheese. I love cheese but rarely like using the points for it, I prefer bulk where I can get it. All in all I call the day a success. Here's to another successful day tomorrow!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

I used to have a brain

2008-10-19T20:27:00.003-04:00

I'm not much use right now, I'm not falling asleep sitting up or anything, but I'm in that zoned-out staring at things while waiting for words to come to me but none do headspace, which is always fun. I left mid-afternoon yesterday for a party in the country, and I didn't get home till late this afternoon. It's a good thing I saved all my flexies and got all that activity in this week because I partied HARD. I had my first drink at about 3:30pm yesterday and we didn't stop till about 5:00 this morning. The party was the yearly get together for a bunch of people who work at putting off fireworks shows, and they do their own fireworks display for the party. I spent the weekend with a bunch of people who get off on blowing shit up, and I had the time of my life. There was constantly things being set off everywhere, and I became used to being startled out of my wits constantly. I've always loved fireworks since I was young so being able to go to this party was an incredible treat for me. I had so much fun that I didn't restrict myself when it came to the food, and I just ate what I wanted to eat instead of making careful choices. I did try to not eat too much since I was not making healthy choices, but I still ate a fair bit (tho not as much as I could have, or wanted to), and later in the night I did have some of the desserts. Throw in all the booze plus the breakfast they made for us this morning and definitely NOT and OP weekend, but there it is. I'm not worried and I don't feel like I blew it or anything. It's not very often I find myself in situations like that, so I'm not fretting. I could have done it differently but I don't regret it, and in the end that is the important thing. Back to OP business as usual tomorrow, counting my points and planning my meals and getting my activity in. I'm thinking I should probably completely avoid my flexies this upcoming week to try and offset this weekend. Despite all the off-plan eating and drinking over the past two days, I still actually feel really good tonight, I don't feel like this has set me back mentally in terms of getting my groove back. Of course I might not feel it till tomorrow, but I'm thinking that I'll be able to handle things without too much issue. Yes, I still want to lose more weight, but I'm not going to stop living, and I had a compelte blast this weekend, definitely one I'm going to remember for a very long time!

A quickie

2008-10-17T20:58:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to do a quick update. I'm not at home so I didn't post last night. I'm still doing well, I've been eating OP and have been geting activity. I ate out for supper last night without having expected to be doing so, but I think I did really well with my choices. I also did really well today, tried a new healthy recipe, and cooked a healthy supper. I tried to balance everything out, and I'm pleased with my day, especially since I am still resisting cravings...they aren't as intense as they were on Monday, but they are definitely still there. I also got my walk in yesterday, and I did a short walk today but also a bike ride. The last time I did that bike ride it was definitely easier, I'm getting out of shape and I don't like that. I did run for a ways at the end of my walk today, just for the hell of it. I was a little out of breath afterward, more than I think I should have been after a short distance. All the more motivation to keep at it tho, I'm going to keep working at it and get back in shape!

Earned 5 APs yesterday: 80 min brisk walking

Earned 6 APs today: 30 min brisk walking, 60 min cycling

So much potential

2008-10-15T20:19:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling a lot less edgy tonight, although I'm not sure how much of it is due to having a very large supper meal instead of actually seeing a reduction in the cravings I've been feeling so badly. I hadn't intended to have such a big meal, but my dinner meal got waylaid because of unexpected plans happening, and I was really hungry and had points to make up. Big meal or not, I do not feel stuffed, I just feel satisfied. It was be easy for me to eat more if I wanted, and that is what bugs me, I really wish I could get away with eating less food. But right now I will settle for feeling calm; I don't feel restless and distracted like I did last night, I feel relaxed and quiet and I'm much encouraged. I felt different today when I got up, I felt more focussed, and I hoped it was a sign that I'm settling down some and starting to get back into my groove. I went for a river walk early today to avoid the rain, and I was reminded that during this time of the year earlier is preferable because most people are working and I have the path mostly to myself compared to later in the day. My legs ached the whole time, but I did my best to keep my usual brisk pace. I want so much to start taking off some of this weight that I am determined to get the exercise in. I bet even in just a couple of weeks I will feel better that I had been lately.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Tomorrow we'll rise so we fight today

2008-10-14T21:36:00.003-04:00

Another night where I'm almost but not quite biting my nails. I feel edgy and preoccupied and having to concentrate not to obsess about what I would like to eat. I was completely OP today and I'm happy for that, I'm just a little impatient for things to settle down and for it to get 'easy' again. I suppose there might have been lots of times last year when things were hard, but right now thinking back it just seems like it was all so easy compared to this. Maybe I need to look back over this journal and refresh my mind a bit, because I'm sure there must have been more times where I struggled than I am remembering right now. Funny how short term our memories can be, all the more reason to keep a journal and keep track of it.

I'm still having lots of cravings for various things, along with wanting to just feel full, plain and simple. I've avoided my FPs the past two days, and I am determined not to use them in normal meals, to account for times when I will be going out. As it happens, a friend called tonight and asked if I wanted to go to a party on Saturday, so it looks like I will be needing all those flexies plus all the will power I can muster, so that will help me continue to avoid them for the week, plus get some good exercise in.

Right now I'm torn between wanting to find that full feeling that I like after I eat (particularly the supper meal) and wanting to get used to eating smaller meals so that I can try to shrink my stomach up some. Now, I have never actually looked that up, but it was always something I have heard people say over the years, about how if they go a long time eating less, they find that it takes less food to make them feel like their stomach is full. I've stuffed myself with veggies and water over the months and got the full feeling while still losing weight, but there have been times when I've knocked about the idea of cutting back on that so that I don't have to eat so much food. I suppose that takes time and will power, and having to feel like I feel tonight; I'm not hungry per se, but I'm not feeling mentally satisfied because I am not full. Perhaps it is less about the stomach shrinking and more about getting used to not having that feelings and wanting it less, like getting cravings out of the system. But then, I'm not sure that this is the best time for me to consider such things, what with trying to get my eating under control again, and to get my mojo back. Part of me thinks I should just stick with what worked for me all last year, and wait until I'm settled down again before I start experimenting with portions and such. Maybe what I would need to do is to go the route of having 6 or 8 little meals over the day, so that I could get accustomed to never being full, but never actually being really hungry either. I just have my doubts about that working tho, because when I have split the same number of points into smaller portions throughout the day before I basically always ended the day feeling unsatisfied and/or hungry. But again, perhaps it's all a mind game. I don't know. It will bear more thinking about, perhaps I can research it and find out more about whether it is realistic to expect my stomach to shrink any amount to actually make a difference.

I got another river walk in today, and I want to exercise again tomorrow. The problem is that there is supposed to be rain, and I expect I might have to try and get some shopping done too. When I go out now I feel like people are staring at me because I look fat, and I feel like my neighbours are able to look at me and know I've gained weight and that everyone knows. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin right now, it is probably my biggest motivator to stay on track and to get the weight off that I have put back on. I want to go back to feeling proud of myself and happy with how I look. When I was walking today I found myself building up my determination to exercise regularly again and to consciously feel like I am actively taking off this weight. Eating is something we do a few times a day, so just making healthy choices doesn't always contribute to feeling like I am actually DOING something. When I exercise I feel like I am more in control, I suppose because I am doing something I don't have to do, but something I am choosing to do. I know every healthy meal is a choice, but it doesn't give me the same level of satisfaction that exercising does. I definitely need to get back in that headspace again, it will help me in so many ways to get my activity level up. Not only will the weight start coming off again, but I will feel better, stronger, more energetic, and I will feel more capable and in control of myself, and I desperately need that right now.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Nail-biting

2008-10-13T21:16:00.002-04:00

Okay, well perhaps it wasn't quite as bad as all THAT, but things did get harder as the day went on. I felt okay when I woke up, but then out of the blue I would be hit with thoughts about food and what I would like to fill myself up with later on. Then I would be okay for a while, and them, bam, out of no where it would hit me again. I still managed okay, but as afternoon wore into evening I really started getting cravings, and the thoughts of what I actually had here to eat was not tempting me the slightest little bit. I came close to considering giving myself 'one more day' and to be perfect tomorrow to make up for it, but that is the kind of thinking that just creates and maintains the cycle of unleathy eating and binging, and I am relieved that I managed to keep my will power intact. I only wish I could have felt more satisfied after I finished supper, but unfortunately I am left wanting more and still battling cravings. When I was religiously OP I did not have to deal with feeling like this, and I'm trying to use it as motivation to stay OP strictly so that I can get it all out of my system and be able to be satisfied with my meals again. I want to go back to food being an afterthought, instead of my obsession.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

But I would not feel so all alone..everybody must get stoned

2008-10-02T21:52:00.003-04:00

I am definitely not in a good way, I'm just not sure how much of a role hormones might be playing. I've very certainly been depressed, I just didn't feel it so much yesterday because I had company most of the day. I couldn't escape it today when I woke up wanting only for it to be night so I could go back to sleep. My first thoughts after that were of food and what I would like to eat for the day, none of it green or healthy in any sense. I know I had my down times over the past year, but I was On Plan and I was able to ride it out. It's so difficult to get back on track when I have no morale for anything right now. Despite how terrible I'm feeling I still had a few victories today. I stayed in bed half the day, and didn't want to get out, but eventually I forced myself out and got some cereal, then did my job search work. I'm glad of that, because that is the most important thing I need to do everyday. I did it thoroughly and only then did I allow myself to take a nice relaxing bath like I'd wanted to do. I also did some other things that needed to be done, and cleaned the kitchen. When I get depressed I usually let the housework go, so I'm happy that I'm keeping on top of the cleaning more or less. The bathroom needs a scrubbing again already, probably because I've been taking baths on top of the showers I normally have lately. I also did a few batches of baking tonight before I made supper, which needed to be done because my bananas were on the verge of going over and I'd been putting it off. I'll freeze what I made tonight and tomorrow I'll bake what's left to keep fo fresh. I went out shopping because I wanted to stock up on peppers while they were on sale, and I walked all around the store for a much longer time than was necessary, looking all the foods I wanted to buy, and particularly all the junk. I'd made up my mind to buy hamburgers and potatoe chips and cookies and ice cream, I'd had the brands and the types all picked out, but in the end I resisted, although I did end up buying some chocolate for dessert tonight, but all things considered I am still calling that one a victory. Things are so hard right now, everything seems so hard, maybe I should look back over my journal and remind myself a bit of how it was like before, because it feels like things were easy before but now everything is a struggle. I used to be so disciplined, I want to get that back and start feeling good again. I can't control the job or the money situation directly, this is the one thing I can actively control. It would do me good to feel like my efforts are resulting in tangible results for once, because for weeks now I've felt like I've been accomplishing a whole lot of nothing, despite all my effort.

Really love your peaches want to shake your tree

2008-10-01T23:09:00.003-04:00

It was the epitome of a lazy, hedonistic day, but I had a rare opportunity I couldn't pass up. I was all turned about and upside down anyway, on account of I thought today was the last day of September and that October didn't get going till tomorrow. I didn't get any activity in today, but I also did not go out to buy junk food, like I was sorely tempted to do when I was craving chocolate so badly. I had bought some tiny adorable little baby pita breads and wanted to get some hummus, and was going to go out to the Arab market around the corner to search for some, but I knew if I went there I would go to the dollar store next to it and buy chocolate, so I attempted to make my own hummus instead, despite not having all the necessary ingredients on hand. I was terribly excited when I realised that I should be able to make hummus in the new food processor I bought, but I've had it a couple of months and haven't gotten around to trying it yet. I think mostly I was afraid it wouldn't work, but today seemed to warrent trying, and it worked like an absolute charm, I was utterly thrilled. And yes I ate way too much of it, but ultimately stuffing one's self with hummus is generally preferable over chocolate, so I'm going to call that one a victory and never mind the rest of it for now. It was another day where I woke up tired, and I am tired tonight, I think my body must be continuing to tell me that it is not happy with the state of things. I'd gotten so used to feeling good physically all the time that I'm not used to feeling icky constantly. But as M said to me, I know how to fix that. Now to get about doing that.

I wanna be sedated

2008-09-30T23:13:00.002-04:00

I have very little to say tonight. It was another day that ended up being different than I had expected it to be. I had a couple of errends I wanted to run, but the weather didn't cooperate. I ended up getting taken out for supper, and I ate what I pleased, but it felt like a last hurrah, so whatever. As of this moment there is no junk food left in my house, and that will not change unless I buy more. I've been tired much of the day, but tonight I've felt weird, alert and within myself at the same time. I've been making a classic rock playlist and really grooving to the music. I want to be up early tomorrow tho, so I think I will turn off the music and read for a while to try and come down. I spent hours today doing job search stuff and I'm really happy about that; it's tedious and frustrating and depressing and it always gives me a headache and I loathe doing it, so every moment I make myself stick through it is an accomplishment in my eyes. The weather might not cooperate in the next few days any more than it did today, but I want to start exercising again, I'm thinking I'll try to make an activity goal for Oct to get some sort of activity in every day. I can't believe the summer is gone...unbelievable. Strange to think where I was a year ago...

Feels like I'm starting all over again

2008-09-29T17:58:00.003-04:00

When I heard that line in a song this afternoon it made me pause. I'm not necessarily back where I was when I started all of this, but in so many ways I have to find that mentality I had when I started, and tackle things the same way.

I've gotten so far off track sometimes I almost get in a cold sweat over it...almost.

But fortunately, I know that I have the ability to live the type of lifestyle I've aimed for, the one I've strived so hard to achieve. I've strayed away from the behaviours I've tried so hard to turn into habits, but that's the thing with a lifestyle...it's still there for you even if you don't live it perfectly. It doesn't disappear in a puff of smoke, and it doesn't become suddenly off limits or Members Only.

I've been struggling in a way I've not had to deal with since starting WW, and worst of all I've been handling my problems in ways I'd truly hoped I've overcome. I've allowed food to become a constant comfort to me again, and I've stopped tracking or eating On Plan. Today was the first time in a a few weeks that I had even logged onto the WW website, let alone put effort into tracking my foods.

I've fallen into the mind trap of justifying what I've been doing, and I know that if I don't put the brakes on, I will start losing ground quickly and start making my way back to where I was when I started.

The worst thing I have fallen into doing the past couple of weeks has been to let my mind gloss over my behaviours, and to not think about them. I've also not talked about them here or on the WW boards or with friends, unconsciously falling into the 'if no one knows, it's not actually happening' trap. I am an old hand at that one, and I've learned to my regret over the years that I have an avoidant personality when it comes to dealing with problems. I withdraw into myself and I hide from everyone. And I also know that it is ever so much easier to fall into a pit of trouble you could have avoided when you isolate yourself and avoid looking your problems in the face. I've been doing that with my eating habits; a month ago my eating choices were poor, but very conscious, and I was willing to make them knowing I was also choosing to make it temporary. Since then however I've quickly slipped into deliberate ignorance, and have been choosing not to think about what I've been doing too much, or to look to closely at the consequences.

A month ago I was doing better, and I was starting to get back into a routine. After my trip home, everything in my life got turned upside down, and for the first time since starting WW I was completely out of my comfort zone. I knew what was happening and was striving to get my routine back and to create a new source of motivation or focus for myself.

Then a bunch of life happened. Go figure, huh?

I committed to a relationship that went pretty quickly into self-destruct mode, but not before it seriously messed me up mentally and emotionally. I've worked so hard to be healthy, not only in terms of my efforts over the last year to be healthy in the physical sense, but also in terms of my efforts of the years before to be healthy both emotionally and mentally. I've said along the way that my weight loss journey was so smooth for me mostly because I waited until I was in a good place mentally before I started. I felt good about me, I'd developed a strong sense of self and of self-esteem. I did not need to be thin to feel good about myself, I felt good about myself as I was. I felt I had worth, even if I was not perfect or did not look the way I prefered.

It is astonishing how very quickly a person can destroy all your careful efforts, and in such a short amount of time tear your self-esteem to shreds and utterly defile your sense of self worth.

The only good thing is that I got out of it before I could be truly damaged. The bad thing is that there was an enormous amount of emotional fallout. If I had been on my A-game when it had happened, then things might have turned out differently, but I was already struggling when it all went down, and I was simply incapable of exerting the will power and focus I needed to get back on track when I had already been finding it so hard to do so.

I needed time to grieve and to heal enough so that I could start to get my life sorted out again. I gave myself some time and didn't beat myself up, and that was okay, but just when I was starting to feel like I could start getting myself back on track, my work situation also went into self-destruct, and the next thing I know I'm without a job.

Things at work had been incredibly stressful and unstable ever since I got back from NFLD. Again I found myself faced with a situation where I was being made to feel worthless, that I was to blame for things I had not done, and that I had reason to be ashamed of myself, my actions, and who I am. Most of me knew I was being treated and judged horribly unfairly, but I have such a strong work ethic, and I am such a perfectionist, that I kept trying to jump through their impossible hoops, because I could not bear the thought of failing at something, especially something as important as my job. That this job was not my chosen career, and that I didn't feel anything for it other than how I feel about any job or task I undertake was not the issue. I let myself get caught up in trying to succeed that I really lost sight of the fact that they were not making it possible for me to succeed, and more importantly, that my whole life had turned into trying to please people for whom I had no respect, and that I had placed the utmost importance upon trying to please them. I was constantly feeling the strain of it, I worried constantly, both at work and away, I was having regular anxiety dreams and even nightmares, and I was unhappy much of the time. But I let it go on because I couldn't tolerate the thought of 'failing', and the prospect of being without a job terrified me.

But no matter how I tried to make things right, the situation couldn't continue as it was, and it only worsened until finally I was forced to see things for how they really were. I think it was the destruction of the unhealthy relationship mere days before that made me finally see what was really happening, how these people were attacking my feelings of efficacy and worth, and how they were making me doubt myself and my abilities and my behaviours and the type of person I am. I realised that to continue to try and change their minds (when they were so fiercely determined to think as they would) was admiting the possibility that they were right, putting truth to the hurtful and disparaging things those few people were saying about me, people who had their own agendas, and who don't know me at all. I realised that it was more than trying to hold onto a job because I needed the income, it was about protecting myself and my health, and not being able to take it any more. To stay working there would have been as damaging to me as it would be to eat poison every day. I did the only thing that made sense, and I walked away.

Of course, no matter how I felt about preserving my mental and emotional health, not to mention my dignity, I fell apart in a major way after quitting my job the way I did. That whole weekend I was a walking basket case, an absolute and complete emotional wreck. I was in a constant state of panic and horror and fear and hurt over the whole situation. It still felt like failure, no matter what the truth of it was, and it took me days to calm down.

I've been having to focus more on putting one foot in front of the other and less on counting points. That is to be understood, but enough time has passed that it's become less about needing time to get my head together and more about just getting decadent and lazy and falling into old habits. I'm getting dependent on food again to regulate my mood. I am feeling so poor emotionally from day to day that I am using food as my comfort and my fix. I can't control the things that are making me feel so wretched, so I'm turning my focus onto food instead and am letting myself put too much importance on it.

The positive is that I see what is happening and I have the power to keep this from setting me any farther back. I can start to turn things around again, if I want to.

I'm terrified of getting big again. I know I've gained weight and I hate it. I hate imagining myself putting on more and more weight. I hate the thought of losing everything I have achieved.

In the end, it's this fear that will help me, because I am going to use this as my motivation to get back on track. I do not want to gain any more weight. I do not want to go back to my old ways. I want to be healthy and happy.

I have been feeling so lethargic and icky lately, and while my stress level will contribute, the binging and the lack of exercise will be playing a large part. I'm tired so much of the time, and I feel down a lot. That is to be expected seeing what I am going through, BUT...if I was eating well and getting my activity, I know without a doubt that I would feel better than I do now, even if I did not feel necessarily 'good'.

I've been binging to try and feel better. But what will make me truly feel better is to get my proper nutrients, to not feel full to the point of feeling sick, to start getting my activity in again, to start building my muscle again and feel strong, to feel like I am living the lifestyle I have chosen for myself, to feel like I am working toward my goals, and to stop gaining weight and to start taking it off again. These are the things that will make me feel better, and I need to remind myself of that when I am tempted to binge.

I need to take small steps, and set myself up to succeed. I logged onto the WW boards today and posted a daily OP thread. I said my goal for today was to make a journal entry here tonight. This was a big first step for me because it means I am being publically accountable for where I am right now and what I've been doing. Being accountable is the first step. I am going to continue that tomorrow by starting to track my food again. I will keep posting in an OP thread, and I will keep journalling here.

I know how to do this, that is the beauty of it. I have proven that to myself. Now my challenge is to do this when things are hard. It is easy to succeed when things are easy, and I wondered along the way how I would fare when things got hard. I'm still unemployed and things are difficult and the money situation is bad, but this is my chance to show myself that I am capable of maintaining my lifestyle and my goals even when things get truly difficult. This is an opportunity for me to prevent a backslide, and to learn new skills I will need for my life ahead, because if I have learned nothing else in my years on this planet, I have learned that the world keeps turning, and that it doesn't stop for the likes of you or I. Life happened, and life will happen again, as surely as the sun will set tonight and rise tomorrow. What's important is how we handle it when it does.

What's right

2008-08-20T22:40:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to get my routine back, and it's not proving as easy as I had hoped it might be. Today I'd wanted to spend some time on the comp, get the flat cleaned up, go for a river walk, then have time to relax and journal tonight and whatever else I might like.

Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans..

I did get my comp time this morning, more than enough, actually, but that wasn't so bad. But then the phone started ringing, and the next thing I know the afternoon is gone. I was also feeling somewhat lethargic. I was hoping that after I ate something and got some protein into me, that I would have some energy and morale to get going on my list of things, but I ended up only getting some of the flat sorted, then got together with a friend. We ended up eating out, and I've not gotten home till late, so no river walk for me, and not able to properly count my points for today because there is no NI available for the restaurant. Not the worst of days, but definitely very little of what I had planned. And at the end of it all, I'm still hungry, even after judging that I dipped into my flexies none too lightly. I've not blown anything, and I've not necessarily failed anything, but tomorrow I really want to get some organised activity in, and I want to get my flat sorted out better than it is right now. At least I got the fridge more organised, and my veggies all have a place in there and the rubbish is cleared out. I can't believe how chaotic my life has gotten...but then maybe it just seems that way compared to how strictly regimented it had been for so long there. The scale is showing me up, time will tell how things are going. I don't know if things have made a permanent shift, but time will tell...time always does.

My fall will be for you

2008-08-19T23:59:00.002-04:00

Oh, what a day!

It's late and I'm tired and I don't have the words for it, but I am well fed and content and things are good. I've been getting all closing shifts at the store lately, and I'm back to getting home around 10:00pm and having to make supper. I've not been around much and my flat is a disaster area, and I was low on food, particularly perishables. I did get the kitchen cleaned up some this afternoon, and I did a bit of shopping tonight after work, but I have a lot more to get sorted tomorrow. I'm out of premade main meals in my freezer, so I need to make up a few dishes so I can freeze for taking to work when I need to. I've been eating a lot of fruit lately, other people's, mostly, but I didn't pick up any tonight. I'm wondering if I might go into fruit withdrawal, actually. I'll have to look in to starting to keep some around for desserts; I always wanted something sweet after supper, but the last few weeks I've gotten used to having fruit after supper to control my sweet craving, and it worked rather well, particularly with some lite Cool Whip. The problem with liking fruit is that it gets to be expensive, particularly during the winter months. Why can't food be free? I wish I could grow all this stuff myself! Anyhoo, bed for me! Squee!

APs gone MIA

2008-08-14T20:06:00.000-04:00

I've done okay today; I've met all the guidelines and I've not gone over my DPs, but I have none to spare and I might be going out this evening, so I might end up using the rest of my FPs since I never had a chance to earn any APs today, aside from doing some more housework. I'd planned yardwork and a bike ride, but like always seems to happen these days, my plan got changed around. I'm not planning to eat anything else tonight, but I might have a beer, and that will cost me FPs unless I come home and exercise. I don't have many left for the week after eating out on Tuesday and having a lot of high cal food that night. I am definitely not used to being this low on FPs at the end of the week, let alone on Thursday night! I'm glad I've started tracking again tho, because I am in obvious need of being specific about what I eat if I want to keep losing weight. I felt so much better last night when I was having some fruit, because I knew I had the points for it, and I knew exactly how much I could have. It was weird, when I was measuring it out, I didn't feel restricted, I felt empowered because I knew I was not overeating, I was completely within my points. It made me realise that when I'm not counting I have this little nagging worry about everything I eat, thinking that maybe it is putting me way over in points. It is easier to enjoy my food when I know I am not putting myself in a bad way by eating it.

I was starving tonight for supper, and the salad I'd made tasted soo excellent. A friend has reintroduced me to putting things in salad other than just the romaine, and I am now wondering how I ever got by eating all of those plain boring salads without cucumbers, mushrooms, tomatoes, and celery. Yes, you heard me...celery! Celery on its own is definitely not one of my favorite vegetables, but throw it in a salad and it tastes GOOD! Eating the salad tonight was a real treat, it was tastey, and I was so conscious while I was eating it that it was not just something I was able to it, it was something that tasted really good to me, and I was looking forward to every mouthful. What a gift that I've gotten to a point in my life that I can say that about a green salad, and that I am able to truly enjoy the things that I am eating. I heard people say that as they got further along into a healthy lifestyle that they came to like healthy foods that they hated previously. I was rather skeptical of ever being able to experience this myself, I mean seriously, you either like something or you don't, right? How could that change when it comes to food? But here I am living it, and definitely loving it! Food tastes definitely can change, thankfully, and hopefully I can get to a point where rich foods and/or junk foods don't taste good to me any more. A couple weeks ago in a weak moment I had a Wendy's burger for supper. We were running late, I was starving, and no time to shop for veggies etc, plus I just wanted one and made the choice to have one. No fries, no pop, nothing else with it, just the burger. It tasted wonderful to me and I enjoyed it soo much...until a few hours later when I woke up in the night to a VERY unhappy tummy, and puked the whole thing up. Does NOT taste as good coming up as it did going down, that's for sure. It's almost as if my body said "Uhh...are you kidding me? What's that thing doing in here? I don't think so. Nope. No Way. Get OUTTA HERE, evil Wendy's hamburger!"

Well, that's what I was imagining it was saying, anyway. I had felt awful beforhand but after the burger was evicted from the premises my stomach felt okay again and I actually had a giggle over imagining that it was a result of my body's indignation at having been forced upon by greasy fast food.

No, I didn't enjoy getting sick, but in a way I was almost pleased by it, if it really means that my body has embraced healthy eating. If I had to choose I'd rather have a body that ejects fast food than one that drives me to eat more more more of it. But then again, maybe I just had a bad burger, who the heck knows? I don't and I don't care, it's not like I'm going to be putting these theories to the test any time soon. I don't plan to go back to eating greasy fast foods, if I need to eat out fast, there's almost always a subway closeby, and it's getting so that most places have sandwiches and salads/soups to choose from. But maybe I actually am getting to a point where junk food is going to have less of a positive effect on me than before at least, even if it stil tastes good going down. Maybe in time it won't taste good either, at this point I'm ruling nothing out, I've experienced WAY too many firsts on this journey to assume anything!

Motivated tonight

2008-08-13T22:47:00.003-04:00

It has certainly been a long time since I've been here!

I have to write a post just about my trip home, but I don't think that is going to get done right now. Tonight I just want to make a post and start getting back into the routine of journalling again after being away for so long. I'd never intended to take such a long haitus...well, technically I hadn't intended to take a hiatus at all, but there you go. I put my laptop in to be serviced the day before I made the trip home, figuring it would be a good time to have the screen issue I've been having looked at, since I wouldn't be able to use it to go online at home anyway. They did a bunch of diagnostics and told me the hard drive was corrupt (aren't we all?) and that it had to be replaced. They sent it out while I was away, and I picked it up on my way from the airport when I got back in town, but when I get it home I discovered that the screen issue was still happening, so my next shift at work I brought it with me and gave it back to them so they could address it. It had to be sent away again, and I only got it back Saturday night, so I've been without a decent means of getting online. Yes, I had my old comp, but it has gotten so slow and unreliable that I only used it to check email, I even stopped trying to get on the WW website, which means I've not been tracking for the better part of a few weeks. I'm not sure if this has been good or bad, surely there have been benefits, but there is always a price to pay.

My visit home was wonderful in so many ways, but as always I went through the usual slump after I got back in Windsor. In many ways I had a much harder time adjusting to getting back after this trip than I had after any other. Part of it was feeling completely and utterly off my eating routine; I definitely had been eating foods which I was home that I am no longer accustomed to eating, and I was not eating much of the foods I have grown accustomed to having regularly. When I got back in town I found myself hungry through much of the day, and not finding my meals as satisfying as I used to. I was mostly okay with the foods I was eating, I just wanted to eat twice as much of them. I was also craving foods I have cut out, but mostly it was the hunger that was making my life difficult. As well, when I got back I discovered that summer had set in in full force, and the weather had gotten very hot and humid. I was able to stand it okay, but I definitely was not motivated to be going for walks or to exercise. My regular workout was out anyway, on account of not having my laptop, tho I did try to do the best I could using my PS2 to play my WATP dvd, and trying to do the core workout from memory, but the strangeness of it didn't help me to get back into my old routine. I've also been a lot more active socially than I normally am since getting back in town. Suddenly I was going out a lot and getting together with people almost every day, and I've had a lot less free time. I was trying to get workouts in, and having some measure of success, until I sprained my wrist while out boating and that effectively got rid of the possibility of strength training. I've done a bit of walking, and have been starting to go for bike rides on a friend's bike, but I'm still not back into the strength training yet. I spent today doing housework, and while I have pretty good range of movement with my hand, by the time I was done my wrist was aching like crazy and I had to take some acetaminophin for the pain. Still, it is getting better, slowly but surely, and that's the main thing.
Admitedly, the majority of the issue has not been the weather and the sprain and the laptop being serviced, instead the issue has been the fact that the thing I have been obsessing over for a year has happened and is over. Going home to see my family and surprising them was something I thought about constantly, and was one of my main sources of motivation throughout my journey so far. I had thought from time to time about how it would be for me after the trip was over, and how it might change things, but honestly I didn't put an overabundance of thought into it. Mostly I believed that while the trip was a huge source of motivation, it was not by any means my main source of motivation, and that after the trip I would still have my desire to be thin and healthy and active and strong. But to be honest, a tiny little part of me was afraid to think about what would happen afterward, because part of me must have understood just how much I was using the trip as a source of drive and determination to do the best that I can. I didn't want to consider the possibility that the trip had somehow become my largest source of motivation, because I didn't want to think about how that would affect me when I got home.

Well, I made the trip, and I came back, and I found out just how much my brain had been filled constantly with thoughts about the trip, because when I got back I suddenly felt extremely empty and directionless. No, I am in no way saying that I didn't care about my goals any more, but my intense drive to be active and to get as many APs as I could and my discipline over every meal with the thought of losing as much as I could that week seemed to have fallen by the wayside. Exercise for its own sake was not enough motivation to get me going, and I didn't feel that urgency any more in terms of losing every pound I could.

Now of course, it could very well be said that this has been a good thing; I was certainly feeling the strain mentally and even physically there in the last weeks before the trip, to the point that I was looking forward to the surprise being over just so I could stop feeling urgency to the point of panic almost constantly. I let myself get intense over it all because I knew it was temporary, and that it was not how I was planning to live for the rest of my life, and yet after the sense of relief was over after the initial meeting of the family was done, and after I got back in town, I am feeling the absence of that sence of urgency very, very keenly. It was so much a part of me for so long that it has been a huge adjustment since returning, getting used to it being gone. I suppose this has been a critical point for me in the sense that this is a point in my journey where I could potentially start wandering off track instead of keep moving toward my goals. I did go off tracking for a while, but I've tried my best to stay OP even without counting points, and since I have not gained in the last month, and have even lost a few, I have been very successful there I would think. On that count, the past month has been good for me, because it gave me a chance to live like "normal people", without counting and just trying to live healthy. I know now that I can do a reasonable job at following a healthy lifestyle without counting every morsal I put in my mouth, something I had wondered about more than once the past year. But before the trip I never would have allowed myself to go off counting points for a while in order to learn how I can do without points, I never would have relaxed enough, never would have wante to risk that I might not lose, of gods forbid, even gain a pound! I feel a lot more confident in myself and how far I've come after the last few weeks, I truly have changed a lot of my habits, because I still made healthy choices even without planning everything out and being accountable to my planner at the end of the day.

Now all that being said, I've still made the decision this week with the return of my laptop that I will get back into the habit of tracking what I eat, and to start trying to get daily activity in, even if I can't do proper workouts on account of my wrist. While I've been doing well at making healthy choices, I've definitely not been perfect, and I'm all too aware that I'm at a critical junction, and that I could still start slipping backwards without proper care. It's good to know I can go off points without going crazy, but at this time in my life when I am still adjusting to having one of my main sources of motivation out of the picture, I want to maintain at least a measure of discipline, because I don't want to get too far off track. I either need to find something else to motivate me, but then again, perhaps I just need to find a place mentally where I am able to maintain a style of eating and a method of exercising that is no longer so dependent on some outside source of motivation. Most people do well with short term goals, whether they are time goals (do X amount for 6 months) or end-point goals (till I lose X amount or till I can run X miles), and I do well with them too, I think, but I am getting very close to reaching my goal, and it is time for me to start thinking more long term. The ideal would be for me to just establish a healthy balance of eating and exercise that are not dependent on me feeling a sense of urgency about something in order to maintain it. Perhaps the level of food-strictness and the amount of exercise I'll have to do to maintain my goals will not be so strenuous that I will need to focus on some time goal or an end-point goal in order to stay motivated. Now that I'm getting over the feeling of emptiness and almost letdown that I had been feeling after the trip, I do confess that I am starting to enjoy this feeling of being relaxed about my eating and my exercise. Of course, I'm starting to track again, but that is because I don't want to get TOO relaxed about things; a certain amount of effort and vigilance is needed. It's all about finding the healthy balance, and I think I'm starting to gain my feet again.

I think the title of my last post is very fitting.

Earned 8 APs today: 2 hours (didn't count it all) housecleaning, 50 min bike ride

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

2008-07-01T21:50:00.002-04:00

1 day till Home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: does housework count??

I was trying to find a particular CD amongst the many that I have (all unlabled of course), and while I couldn't find it, I did find a CD I'd burned full of music from the early 80s, and I decided to leave it in and take a trip down memory lane. I feel so surreal right now.

I figured my trip home would be a good time to put my laptop in to get serviced to address that green fuzz that keeps appearing on the screen. what I had not been expecting was popping over when things were slow and to have them tell me that my harddrive failed the diognostic test and that it needed to be replaced.

So here I am using my very ancient P2 comp, with every wotd an agony to type because the keyboard is just enough off that I am making a huge amount of typos. It doesn't help that the keyboard is so worn that none of the keys have letters on them anymore.......how did I ever type quickly on this keyboard????? every sentence is taking forever now!!!!!

I've been litening to music from home; when I booted up this ancient thing the player ha actuaklly been on a playlist of NFLD music because the last time i used to use this comp was back before my trip two years ago when my bros got me my laptop. I was gleeful and listened to the music for a couple hours while i got things sorted,but it is still not real for me. I am calm, like I was in the hour before Nightwish. I know i will turn into a Spaz tomorrow.

I've thought of this for so long.....and it has not sunk in yet. I will be a Spaz on the plane, without a doubt. I am not able to comprehend the fact that 12 hours from now I will be with my mum. So much of me is still afraid that everything I've done will not make a difference. all I've wanted is for them to notice a real difference, and now I'm terrified that they will not see one. I've wanted this soo badly. I can't believe that the time is almost here. It does not seem real. None of it does. I'd wanted to be asleep long before now, but I would rather be tired tomorrow if it means I can savour the experience tonight....which is odd, because I can't get it through my head, so what experience am I savouring, exactly??

I can hear the sound of fireworks going off....it's Canada Day.....

And sometimes you close your eyes and see the place where you used to live

2008-07-01T00:27:00.002-04:00

2 days till Home!!!!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I nearly went to bed but wanted to say something here, at least. Today was good but long and I was tired because I was up too late last night. D took me shopping after work and I was able to get new panties, which had been my main goal for today along with getting in a work out. Of course that plan had been made when I expected to not be working today. I was also supposed to get my packing/cleaning done today. Well I finished supper at 11pm and instead of going to bed like I ached to do, I packed my bag and now I'm glad it's done. I still have a few odds and ends to add tomorrow, but it's nice knowing it's pretty much done. In the morning I have to sort out my laptop so I can bring it to work with me to put in for service. I hate losing it, but oh well. I also planned to cook and bake in the morning, but as I look at the time now I am starting to think that is all too optomistic, as late as it is right now. I'm too tired to be excited tonight, but there were times earlier today that I was for a bit. I'll probably do a little better tomorrow. And of course when I wake up Wednesday I will have turned into a Spaz. I get excited thinking about seeing mum at the airport, but other times I just feel fat and unprepared for it all. I dearly wish I could stop feeling like I am too fat to make an impression on them

Okay...bed now.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Those damn babies!

2008-06-29T22:07:00.003-04:00

3 days till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Nothing is ever easy.

I'd counted on having a nice Sunday, and it was, up until the beginning of the evening (which coincidentally my fav part of Sunday) when D called and told me the other regular full-timer called in for tomorrow, and was I available to work? I ranted and raved and cussed quite a bit, then got over it (helped along by a stiff drink). I'd counted on tomorrow to get ready for the trip, because I will be working all day Tuesday and so that day will be a complete lost cause. So I cleaned up the kitchen and did all my laundry (waiting on the dryer) and made a meal to take with me tomorrow. It's all so annoying because the laundry room is always busy Sunday evenings and I usually avoid it, and I don't have much freggies right now and had been planning on being able to shop tomorrow for what I might need between now and Wednesday, on top of wanting to be able to relax and do nice things this evening (catch up on things and watch a movie) and had to spend it rushing about on chores instead. Those damn babies at work are making me CRAZY!!!!

I got a walk in today (not a river walk but one almost just as long) and I feel better overall. I can sit without supporting myself, and I felt energetic when I woke up, which is an awesome sign. I was planning to work out tomorrow but that is out now since I'll be working all day. I'm disappointed, but it's not as bad as it would have been otherwise with my body the way it is. I tried on my Goal Shirt again this evening and contemplated it, but I don't think it is wearable just yet. It was another disappointment, but I will accept it by the time I go, I hope.

Okay time to eat and get to bed. What a mess today ended up being, eating and going to bed this late and having to work all day tomorrow!

Earned 4 APs today: 70 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 49 APs
12.7 hours (760 min) total activity
30.2 miles (48.6 kms) walked
19.5 FPs remaining
3.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 184

Bumps in the road

2008-06-28T23:57:00.002-04:00

4 days till Home!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I've been sitting here for 10 min in too much of a daze to collect my thoughts enough to write. Today was a good day, but physically it started off fair and went downhill steadily throughout. I suppose I finally pushed too far with yesterday's efforts (I'd stepped up the intensity a bit again) and most of my body is aching today, especially my poor legs and backside. It got worse and worse as the day went on, till now I am limping about and having to hold onto something to lower myself into a sitting position without just collapsing downward. I did my river walk with D, and while the company was welcome, the walk was extremely taxing for me, and I was hurting badly by the time I got home, my legs and my upper back were misery, to the point that I had trouble walking perfectly straight on account of my leg muscles not being able to move properly. I was also hungry today, and this evening I found myself pondering just eating food I wanted in huge quantites, something I rarely ponder. All bad signs, and I am not so foolish as to ignore them. I had planned a workout tomorrow but that is definitely no longer in my plan. I would like to do a river walk still, but if I do I will take it slower and not walk so briskly. I had a big supper and I feel soothed and satisfied, and now I will take myself to bed for some much needed sleep.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Chinese clotheslines

2008-06-27T23:23:00.002-04:00

5 days till Home!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was going to go on to bed without posting, because it is later than I wanted to be up and I have to work in the morning. I always let the time get away from me nights before I have to work, I wish I wouldn't do that. I got loads of activity in, and debated not going for a river walk because I knew it would put me behind schedule because I'd lagged all day, but I went and am glad I did. The deciding factor was mostly knowing that the extra activity would help me get to sleep tonight. And now I am fed and watered and looking forward to bed, despite how warm and humid it is tonight. I only hope I sleep better than last night; had a lot of nightmares I really could have done without. The worst thing is that I had the same one twice, I hate it when that happens. I guess I'm starting to feel some strain, it's to be expected I suppose; the weight loss is going well but other things aren't. Speaking of which, I had a great WI today and am very pleased. I wasn't expecting it, but looking at my total lost in the weight tracker and seeing three digits truly makes it seem like a much larger amount than only two, even if it was a digit like 99. Funny how the mind works.

Earned 14 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 100 min brisk walking

Lost buttons and syrup that stays slippery

2008-06-26T23:59:00.001-04:00

6 days till Home!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I can't believe how close it's getting! Less than a week, that's just insane! I've shifted back to a state of disbelief over it all, it doesn't seem real. I imagine in a couple days it will seem more real when I start getting ready to go.

I didn't get a chance to post yesterday because I was basically gone the whole day. I took F to the hospital in the morning and stayed with her while she had her thingy done. I brought my knitting and a picnic lunch of water and fruit and veggies for while I was waiting for her. I never mentioned any of it before they took her in tho, because she was thirsty and starving from having to fast. I went out in the morning and bought a mix for carrot muffins because those are her favorite and I made them to bring with so she'd be able to eat something on the way home. She seemed to really like them, and had a few with the rest of my water. She was out of it afterward because of the sedation and was walking slowly and slantily and I kept watching her in case she fell over but she managed fine. It took longer than it was supposed to take, so by the time we got to her house her mother was already there from work. I'd made a date of sorts for afterward if our schedules worked out and he ended up picking me up at her house and we went to a park by the river and talked and talked. Things went so well that we ended up going out for supper at the pub, which I had not been expecting, but we were having a really great time and didn't want to stop talking. I've not been to that pub in a very long time, and when I came in my favorite server was walking out of the kitchen carrying plates, and when she saw me she set them down on the bar so she could hug me and tell me how fabulous I looked. It was a real treat getting to see her because she's been so supportive along the way. She's one of the few people who knows I've been following WW, it's easy to talk to her about it because she follows it too. I had the cajun chicken sandwich (without the mayo or the bun) and a salad instead of fries (without the bacon, cheese and dressing on the side) and afterward my date asked if he could make an observation, and said "I think you must have lost a lot of weight" and when I asked why he thought that he said because of how the server had reacted when she saw me, and because of the way I ordered. It was wing night and he is a wing fanatic, but thankfully he's not one of those people (there are so many of them!) who takes it personally if you refuse to eat wings on wing night, and we drank a ton of light beer and talked endlessly and had a really late night and posting was the last thing on my mind when I went to bed. Unfortuately the fact that I still had to have a cup of milk to get in my second dairy requirement was also the last thing on my mind, so yesterday wasn't an OP day for me technically, which is disappointing. The few times I've missed a requirement like that (usually the dairy) it's almost always because I went out for supper and had a few drinks and don't think of it when I come home. What I'm glad about is that since I'd had a light calorie dinner and had some activity and ordered so intelligently at supper, the beer didn't put my into FPs, definitely something to be proud of!

Today I took it easy tho because I was tired after my late night. I even had a nap this afternoon! I wanted to get a river walk in but the weather has been crazy the last couple weeks, and it is constantly thunder storming in the early evenings. I looked at the forcast and saw a warning for severe thunderstorms so I got on the eliptical instead, and I am soo happy I did because not long after it got so black outside I had to turn on my lamp at 5:30pm so I could see what I was doing, and had to close my balcony so my blinds wouldn't take another opportunity to vacate the premesis. I was hungry today too; part of it might be because of the beer yesterday, but I'm noticing that there is a week in my cycle where I get hungry and tired, so this might be par course. I ate more food (within my points) so I wasn't hungry, and still managed to avoid FPs. I wanted to do a workout but felt too tired, and since I'm not working tomorrow I can do it Friday without throwing things off. WI is tomorrow and it looks to be a good one. I hope all my work is paying off, despite only getting 20 min activity in yesterday!

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking

Greed, your master passion

2008-06-24T21:19:00.003-04:00

1 week, 1 day till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

One of those days maybe I'll learn.

It was a good day in spite of my silliness. I got lots of good activity in, even tho I took longer to do it than I would have liked. I started relatively early tho so at least that's something. I just kept getting distracted by thoughts and shiney things. Tomorrow is my off day, and I'll be spending time with F for a good part of the day because she needs someone to take care of her while she has a procedure done at the hospital. The poor thing is pretty stressed and harrassed lately, I feel bad for her. She's fasting tonight and when we talked I kept unthinkingly talking about food. I'm just so used to talking about food with her, it's one of her favorite things. I just wish it didn't often cause her so much misery. The things you love will hurt you every time.

I can't believe she'll be moving. She gave me a bunch of leftovers after her party on Saturday night, and I'm still eating them every meal; I threatened to fill my pockets up with the mushrooms when I was leaving and she took it to heart, sent me off with loads of meat and veggies. I had a blast at the party, got drunk, ate a good deal of meat, but was totally in control of my food choices, well up till the point where I had the burger, I had not necessarily intended that. When I'd heard they were on their way from the grill tho I decided I would have one, and by that time I was so caught up in everything that I never thought when I put it on a bun. I should have had it on its own, but I didn't think about the points of the bun, just the burger. No matter, I ate what I ate and drank what I drank, and tracked it all the next day. Since I worked all day and wasn't able to get any real activity in (I walked to Timmys in the morning to get coffee for D and DP so I could say I got 15 min in) I dipped heavily into the FP, but not a catestrophy. I would have preferred not to have used FP last week, but it was a party, and I had a wonderful time. I don't let myself think about how the house is sold and they'll be leaving, it's just too damn depressing. Better to think of going home in a week and my best friends coming with me. It's too surreal to be real.

Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking

Worth everything I may ever be

2008-06-23T22:27:00.003-04:00

1 week, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I can hear the fireworks, they're going on now over downtown. When I went for my river walk this evening the riverfront was crowded with people who were settling to wait. If I hadn't been so desperately tired and hungry I might have wished to stay and watch as well. But as it is, it was a long day, and I was asked to stay later, so it was almost 6:30 before I got home. All I wanted to do was eat and rest, but I made myself go for my walk and I'm glad I did. I saw my friends from the pub when I was walking by it, and stopped to chat for a few minutes, and they told me I look great. All I felt was sweaty and tired, but it's nice to hear it. I'm trying so hard to do what I can before I go, but I know it probably is all for naught. But at least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I tried. My diet the past two days has been very disciplined; yes I've had some healthy muffins, but most of my meals have just consisted of lean meat and vegetables. I figure if anything will do it, that will.

I know I said I would write properly tonight, but I'm almost too weary to think straight, I need to rest. I missed my chance to chat with M tonight and that sucks :(

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Within, the dark holds hard

2008-06-22T22:03:00.002-04:00

1 week, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It was a tired kind of day in lieu of all the partying I did last night. I had an awesome time, but got drunk and was up rather late, so it threw my day off. I didn't get my workout in till late in the afternoon, but I did get it in at least, despite feeling tired and out of sorts. I also went for a late river walk, since the rain that had been forcast never showed up, and I wanted muffins for dessert but didn't want to spend my remaining FPs on them. I was craving them all day so I made them before I exercised and had a couple with dinner. F gave me a bunch of leftover food from the party and as good as it is to have meat, I still wanted the cinnamon. Anyhoo, I'll have to say more tomorrow, I want to get my summary done and send off an imp email then get to bed, it's already late.

Weekly summary:
Earned 62 APs
17.2 hours (1030 min) total activity
44.8 miles (72.1 kms) walked
13.5 FPs remaining
2.2 lbs lost
Current weight: 187.2

Saturday

2008-06-21T23:59:00.003-04:00

1 week, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

No proper post for today, worked then went to F's for a party. Over and out.

Earned 1 AP today: 15 min brisk walking

100 lb Milestone

2008-06-20T13:19:00.028-04:00

1 week, 5 days till Home!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Well it is finally official; I can now say I have lost 100 lbs.

The funny thing is that I unofficially hit that number during my Celebration Weekend over a month ago, but officially the number has since eluded me. I knew it would come around again eventually, so I wasn't much worried, but goodness, I would have liked it to show a little more urgency than it turned out to..lol.

Nonetheless, my weight loss has shown a steady downward progress throughout, so I knew I would get there sooner or later. Here, see for yourself:

Notice the pretty little milestone stars underneath the last chart, I've built up quite the collection. Blue is my favorite colour so I'm thrilled that the 100 lb star is blue. I'm silly like that. Only one more to add - the gold Goal star. The first couple of months are interesting on the chart, that was back before I had my own scale, and had very unreliable ways of weighing myself. Once I got my own scale and was weighing every week, things became very consistent. And once I got more honest about my weighing practices, you can see the reliable dips and peaks from month to month associated with my menstrual cycle, which I find endearing somehow. I love reliability and predictability, it's satisfying for me.

Today's weight tracking has occured in a different environment than usual. It's a beautiful day and I woke up feeling full of pep and vinegar (old-fashioned it may be, but ever so much better than being full of piss and wind!) and I retired out onto the balcony after breakfast to do my computer work out here where I can look down on the Hood and enjoy the sun (albeit from the shade, I wouldn't sit out here if I was in direct sunlight..lol). I knew from day one that I would eventually have that 100 lb star, and I've been expecting it for weeks now, and yet when I brought up the weight tracker to officially track it, I got unexpected tears in my eyes. At first I felt a little foolish, but I was inside refilling my water bottle and a sudden thought came to me and I was laughing out loud and in tears again. Of course it's not foolish! Maybe I've been doing this whole weight loss thing for 11 months now, but there's nothing wrong with making this a momentus occasion, because while I may have been tracking losses for a long time now, I have never tracked a 100 lb loss before now.

And what really made me laugh and allow myself to fully recognise this as a noteworthy milestone was the realisation that this is truly a one-time experience, because I will never lose 100 lbs again. And that is why I was laughing for joy, because I know this is the only time I will ever be able to celebrate this accomplishment. I will never be in a position where I will have 100 lbs to lose ever again. I know this without a doubt because I am in control of my life and my choices, and I choose to never gain the weight back. No matter what life throws at me, even if I suffer hardships and illness and injury and am unable to live life the way I do now, I will alter my lifestyle and my choices whatever way I have to in order to stay at a healthy weight and not gain it back, regardless of the effort that will take. I made that committment when I started this journey, and I reinforce that committment to myself here and now. And the reason I am so certain that this is it and I will never go back to where I was is that after all this time and work I am only more dedicated to my new lifestyle than I had been when I started. I know I can keep meeting my goals because meeting them is all about the choices I make, and my choices are mine to control. As long as I want this, I will never fail...and I will always want this.

It's pretty surreal to be sitting here on this oh so fine warm summer's day and to be looking back over the last 100 lbs. In some ways the time went so quickly, and in other ways the changes feel so gradual. I've been thinking about the noteworthy differences and changes I've had along the way, and what better time and place to go ahead and note them!

As is inevitable after losing 100 lbs, my body is now lighter and more bendy/flexible than it ever was before! I feel so much more efficient in my movement; getting from point A to point B doesn't require the effort that it did. I feel faster and I've still not gotten used to the sensation that I am in fast forward sometimes. I can cut corners and turn and start and stop so much more easily and quickly than I could before. And I love love love how I can crouch without effort, and stay that way for a long time. I can also stand from a squat with ease, as well as kneel without problem. These are big ones for me, I've always wanted to be able to do that. I also feel so light and airy now when I get up from the floor (which I do a lot when I'm exercising). I never knew how truly effortful it used to be for me to get off the floor most of my life until now. I realise now I used to avoid sitting on the floor because of how hard it was to get up, which was an issue at work because I had to get down there a lot. These days it's literally a pleasure to get off the floor because I feel so light when I do.
BONES!!! I have them!! And I NEVER get sick of them!! It started off with being able to feel my collar bones, and to feel the curve of my rib cage. Along the way I've had the joy to meet shoulder bones, shoulder blades, knee bones, my breast bone, knuckles, individual ribs, that little roundy bone in my wrist (a huge pleasure to meet that particular bone, been a goal since I was a young girl!), my spine, and probably my most favorite, my hip bones! I remember meeting every one, and every experience was thrilling...and usually terrifying at first because I had no idea what it was and would panic till I realised what strange thing it was that I had encountered. Once a new bone is discovered I entertain myself endlessly with feeling it and looking at it. Seriously, I can't keep my hands off my ribs or my hip bones especially.
I've adopted a very healthy diet over the last 100 lbs; when I started off I was eating within my points religiously, but I was rather clueless about food and options of what to eat. I remember I would have hot dogs for supper constantly because it allowed me to have a big supper meal but I never knew what else I could be eating otherwise. I was still eating junk food and high calorie/processed foods, just cutting the portion sizes to stay within my points. These days my diet still tends to have little variation, but it is made up almost entirelly of nonprocessed foods. Every meal has lots of veggies, and I actually plan my meals with such things in mind as the amount of protein I'm getting, and the types of vegetables (eg., green vs orange). I don't buy meals, I buy ingredients and make meals from them. This still blows my mind and constantly feels like an accomplishment to be proud of
I now spend a lot of time researching health topics and learning in order to keep making changes in what I eat/do so I can meet my goal of living as healthy as I can. I actually spend hours each week reading up on things that look useful, and searching out info . When I'm in my routine I spend 30-60 min a day doing my research and planning how I can use the info in my diet/exercise plan. Sometimes I am just browsing health sites/blogs, and other times I am specifically going after certain information. When I started I wasn't too concerned about anything other than following WW and staying in my points, but as I progressed I really came to see the need to educate myself so I can make healthy choices; WW is a method, but I find they fall short on giving information specific enough to suit me. I started there and branched out to find out more, because I find it too general for my own needs. I wouldn't have known where to start without WW tho, and it gives a great groundwork to build on.
I've learned to be much more comfortable doing things like eating in public, and shopping with others. I used to have a great deal of anxiety if I had to eat around other people, and I've learned this is very common among females with weight problems. I used to wait till I was alone before I would eat, and would hide food so I could eat it just so I wouldn't have to deal with someone else watching me. I never used to take lunch breaks at work because I couldn't bear eating where people could see me. Now I would raise the roof off the place in protest if I wasn't able to take my lunch break, and eating around other people doesn't make me nervous the way it used to. I don't feel other people are watching my every bite and judging me for it. I've relaxed into realising that most people couldn't be bothered with monitoring what others are eating, and it helps that the people who do notice what I eat tend to compliment my choices and praise me for it. I still get nervous sometimes about the amount of food I eat and worry that people will criticise, but mostly I have gained confidence in my lifestyle and in knowing that everything is balanced, and I still have a very healthy diet. I'm getting to a point where I don't care whether someone looks at what I'm eating and thinks "wow that is a lot of food", which is a huge victory for me.
Exercise has become an essential part of my life, and what's more, I enjoy it! 100 lbs ago I was incredibly inactive, hell, for most of my adult life I was incredibly sedentary and inactive. I started off relatively slowly, but I've come to a point where as hard as it is to believe, I think I honestly have to categorise myself as being Very Active. Sometimes that still feels like a lie, but having looked at exercise charts of normal activity, I really do seem to fit in the exalted Very Active category. And what's more noteworthy is that my focus has shifted over the last 11 months whereby I have been making exercise goals instead of weight loss ones. I started off wanting the healthy lifestyle because it would bring about the weight loss, but that changed as I came to want the healthy lifestyle over and above the weight loss. Yes, I want to be thin, but my goal is to maintain a lifestyle of regular exercise and healthy eating. The being thin part will just come hand in hand. A small distinction perhaps, some would say, but to me this is such a critical change in me that it is monumental in its own way. It is about taking my pleasure and satisfaction from the way I am living, and not what my body looks like, which is awesome because no matter that I've lost 100 lbs, my body still has tonns of issues which are not going away anytime soon. And incidently, I've also shifted from wanting to be thin, to wanting to be curvy and muscular. As much as I love my bones, I never want them sticking out! I'm not aiming for a number, I'm aiming to be a particular shape, and as my interest in weight training keeps growing, I am less interested in losing weight and more keen on gaining muscle and strength.
In general I am just much more relaxed about people looking at me and touching me. I always felt so akward around people, but I feel like I stick out less now, and it allows for a lot less anxiety when I'm out and around people. I'm finally getting to a place where I am liking how I look, instead of just looking at myself and liking that I'm getting smaller, but still hating how I look. Yes I still have rolls and I hate them, but the overall package isn't so bad and I'm liking the reflection in the mirror more and more.
Odds and ends: I fit into bus seats now without overflowing onto the next person; people can actually sit next to me now without me noticing until I turn my head and see them. I fit into normal size clothing now when I used to be a size 26. I can walk up 7 flights of stairs with little effort when before I would still be breathing fast and my heart would be pounding 15 min later. I can be on my feet at work all day, day after day, without my feet being in agony, or even sore at the end of the day. I'm able to eat breakfast now; for years eating after I woke up made me incredibly nauseated. I've adopted such a healthy diet that I am rarely hungry between meals since I am eating food to fuel my body instead of eating empty crap. Conversely, even if I don't get really hungry, I have an appetite now for my meals because I eat 3 meals instead of once a day and have improved my metabolism. For the first time in a decade I am able to consistently lie down at night and go to sleep, and sleep all night till morning without troubles. My digestive problems have all but disappeared. My thighs don't rub together like they did when I walk. I don't sweat near as much, even in the sun. And I get cold...a lot And maybe one of the best changes of all...I don't have to be drunk to dance in public anymore.

100 lbs down, not that many left to go. Onward and downward! It's the Incredible Shrinking Woman! *flies away*

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Stranger things could never change my mind

2008-06-19T20:31:00.003-04:00

1 week, 6 days till Home!!!!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

My day was thrown off by plans that got changed in the afternoon, so I actually didn't have a dinner meal today. Definitely not preferable and I'm not pleased about it, but I could have had a late dinner but it would have meant a late supper, and I just chose to skip it and have supper at a proper supper time instead. I've been eating supper late at night again, and I really would like to get out of that habit. And I can't even blame it on work, it's just been because I've been letting myself get off schedule in the daytimes.

But either way, I'm fed and watered at a decent time for once, and I even had a big dessert of aple muffins which I made again, and my toes are all but curling at how delicious I find them. They truly satisfy my sweet tooth and they have a good heft to them, I expect I'll be making a lot of muffins from now on. I love how I can eat food I find so delicious and still lose weight!

Speaking of which, the scale is starting to move down again, thankfully. I've been at a standstill of sorts for over a month and it was starting to get annoying. I've been working hard, it's nice when the number reflects where my body is actually at. But even if it doesn't, I'm MUCH more concerned with being happier with my body than what the number is. I don't care if the number stands stock still for the next few weeks, as long as I notice a difference in my body size/shape. I tried on my goal shirt again today to try and gauge whether or not I could wear it in 2 weeks, and I honestly have no idea. I would almost think I could, if I worked hard and managed to lose more fat between now and then, but at the same time I'm clueless when it comes to clothes, and it might not look good on me. The thing is, I see girls all the time wearing body-hugging shirts while having rolls or big tummys. Now the argument could be made that they shouldn't be wearing them because it is not flattering, but all I see is that it is common that bigger girls wear tight clothes. I've worn shirts that hug my body since I've gotten thinner, and I guess the thing for me is that even tho I still got rolls, I'm smaller than I was, and I don't think I look so bad when I wear tighter shirts. Yes it would be preferable to have a flat stomach, but my stomach is a lot better than it was, and that is probably why I don't feel I look so terrible. But still, I don't want to be wearing clothes that no one would want to see me in. I wish I was able to figure these things out, but I guess I'll just have to try on the shirt for someone else and get their opinion. I would really love to wear the shirt, but not if people will think I look awful in it. Yes, it is what i think that matters, but in this case I'm not sure what I think, unlike the shirts I already wear.

Of course it might just all be a moot point anyway; I took progress pics yesterday and for the life of me I couldn't see a difference in my body from now and last March, so it might be too much to expect that I will make any progress on my body in hte next two weeks. I'm determined to try tho, I've done a tonn of exercise this week already, I did my workout today and a walk, and I'll do another walk tomorrow and hopefully some other form of activity too. I even made my workout a little harder today, increasing the intensity of one exercise and doing more of another. I'm feeling tired tonight but in a good way, and my body feels good. My quads were a little sore today and so were my biceps for some reason when I was lifting, but even after the jogging yesterday I felt no different today otherwise. I have to make sure I'm getting my food in over three meals a day tho and none of this skipping meals business. I need to be especially disciplined the next 2 weeks, it won't be long now! And I'm really becoming aware of how happy I'll be to have the suspense over with; I had an anxiety dream last night where I went home and no one noticed a difference. I was so upset that when I woke up I almost started crying. I've been dreaming of this for so long, I'm getting paranoid that I've built something up out of nothing. Well, 1 week, 6 days of hard work and then I will know, for better or for worse.

Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking

Just to have somebody by my side

2008-06-18T23:01:00.002-04:00

2 weeks till Home!!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It really feels like crunch time now, with only 2 weeks left. I'm going to try and step things up a notch or two, and really give it my all now that I'm on the Home stretch. I'm going to go back and take a look at what I was doing the last few weeks before Nightwish, because whatever I was doing made a lot of difference in that time. Maybe I can make a difference in the next 2 weeks.

I did a lot of walking today and my legs are pleasantly tired tonight. I walked over past the grocery to check out a produce market and a butchers that some people at work had recommended. Funny how it was right there just 5 min walk from the grocery and I never noticed they were there because I never had reason to walk down that far. I was expecting better produce/lower prices from the way they were raving about the place, but the stuff I got was good enough, and while some things were more expensive, the things I got today were definitely cheaper. Looks like I have another place that will be one of my regular shopping places. How wonderful it would be to be able to do all my shopping in one place...preferably one really close to me. Instead I split my purchases over 4 places now, no wonder I never have time to think lately, what with work and the long commute and planning my meals and activity, exercising, and walking everywhere to do my shopping bits at a time. But this is my new lifestyle, and no one can say I've not embraced it. I had the rest of the muffins I made last night, and they tasted sinfully delicious to me even the day after. Pizza for supper and muffins for dessert, and to think I didn't eat all my APs today and haven't touched my FP.

Even with the walk to the grocery and the walk back carrying the bags I still went for a river walk. D accompanied me again, which was a lot of fun. Yesterday I was a little later setting out than I told him, and I was worried he would be waiting on me so I actually jogged most of the way up his street, something I have never done before. Today I wasn't running late, but I just wanted to do it again because it felt so awesome to actually jog like that, and I ended up running all the way up his street, and after we got back I ran all the way back down. I wasn't winded or killed from it either, I was breathing deep and steady and I felt like I could have easily kept going both times. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow after doing that, since I've never run before, but if I can I plan to keep doing the run on his street as a means of adding some higher intensity into the walk. I had wanted to actually start running, but until I get new trainers, I'm going to avoid doing it seriously lest I do damage to myself in these worn out shoes I have now. I'm pretty frickin impressed with myself, tho. I'm going to rock it these next two weeks!

Earned 10 APs today: 170 min brisk walking

It makes me feel like rain

2008-06-17T22:49:00.005-04:00

2 weeks, 1 day till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Today was so surreal, it started off okay but went downhill without necessarily being bad, just being strange. I let myself get distracted late morning, and it messed up a goodly portion of my day unfortunately. I wanted to get my workout in early, but instead I got most of it in later in the afternoon. Part of me is just happy I did it at all, as I really wasn't in the mood to do anything. I realised I could do it tomorrow, but decided to go ahead and do it today; I need to exercise when I have the opportunity, because when I put it off there's always a risk I'll end up working or whatnot, and not be able to get it in. I interrupted the workout 2/3 way through to go for a river walk, accompanied half way by D, which was lovely. He was afraid it was going to rain on him and his new trainers, but I assured him we'd be fine. With the cloud cover the trail was all but deserted so it was a nice mostly solitary walk. We chattered like magpies the whole time, as we are wont to do whenever we're together, and it did a lot to improve my mood, which was still very much off when I left for the walk. I felt so out of it, everything felt and looked abnormal to me. I feel a lot like that again now, but I think it's just because I'm so tired tho. There's been a lot going on for me lately.

I had extra points today because I didn't have a proper dinner, so I picked up some vanilla extract on the way home from my walk and I made muffins before I made supper. I altered the recipe I used last week for the banana muffins, and made this one with fresh apple and with cinnamon. I was a little nervous that it would be a disaster, but for the most part I figured it would work out, and I was definitely right. I'm not sure if they're moist or if they're maybe a little soggy, and the bottoms were a little too well done on the outside (I think I need to spray the pans more), but I enjoyed the ones I had for dessert very much. I'm so unaccustomed to "sweets" or baking these days that the muffins might not be great but I would be hard pressed to actually tell the difference. Ultimately this doesn't matter since I'll usually be the one eating them and if I'm satisfied that's all that matters, but I would like to be able to make them well, so that I can share them with others. It has bothered me my whole life that I've been dreadful at baking.

I had a NSV when I chose to eat less muffins than I could have since I had so many points left, but I was full so I stopped, even tho I could have had more. This was definitely a victory for me because my biggest issue has always been eating to extreme fullness as long as there is food left, and not being satisfied without being uncomfortably full.

Despite feeling surreal and a little disconsolate today, I did manage to feel a little more positive about my body today than I had been the past while. I still feel fat, but the rolls didn't bother me as much today. I was looking at my reflection this evening after I exercised, and suddenly I was just smiling, because I realised (not for the first time of late) that I'm now able to see my mother and my brother in my features, where I never had been able to do so before. I've always recalled the features of my father's family, but now I can see my mother's family in my face, and I take much happiness in that. My one brother has always been the one to favour our mother, but I have never felt we look alike, aside from me getting her nose, and her hips. It's been a gift to learn that I look like her after all. I wonder if others will think the same and/or comment on such things when I go home? Part of me wants another few months so I can try to get my body more to my liking before I see them all, and another part of me is weary of waiting and wondering and forever keeping secrets.

Earned 14 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 100 min brisk walking

I'm empty and aching and I don't know why

2008-06-16T21:00:00.003-04:00

2 weeks, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was dreaming about a certain someone this morning and woke up with that Simon & Garfunkel song in my head, and it's been there all day long. I've been down but I made it through the day just fine, work was uneventful and I did some shopping after and just got my bus but thankfully made it. I went for a river walk when I got home (D couldn't come with me because of plans that went awry, but we plan to go tomorrow instead). I came home and had supper right away even tho I usually veg for a bit so that I could be online to talk to M. I've been neglecting her horribly and there was no way I was going to lollygag tonight and miss chatting with her. I also managed to catch up quite a bit on my journal, and got recent summaries done, so I'm happy for that. I just wish my mood was better. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but every time I look at myself all I can think is how fat I look. Honestly, there were times today looking at my fat tummy that I couldn't percieve any difference in how it looks now and how it used to look, that's how big it seems to me. If I didn't know better I'd swear I must have put on 20 lbs since last week (or maybe 40), because last week I thought I looked decent but suddenly this week I seem so fat. It's mental the effect our mood can have on our perceptions without us even being aware of it. I've caught myself lately not meeting people's eyes in public (girls mostly) because I felt embarrassed about being fat. Talk about regressing into old behaviours!

Okay I have too much happening at once, I'll write more tomorrow.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Omens

2008-06-15T23:59:00.004-04:00

2 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

In some ways it was a typical Sunday, and in others it was anything but. I did get my workout in and I did let myself get distracted both before and during by anything shiney; that is part of Sunday, I tend to let myself be whimsical if the notion takes me. I was getting myself pumped up to exercise and ended up spending entirally too much time dancing and singing, but going off schedule is just part of the day. Only I had made plans so they got pushed ahead (a main reason I don't tend to make plans on Sundays, I'm too undisciplined on Sundays and prefer not having to stick to a rigid plan). The plans went way longer than I had expected (which also fit with the normal Sunday theme) and I had to rush to get my dinner made for tomorrow and my supper made for tonight. I missed Mum's call (on Father's Day too...never got to talk to Dad), and F called in the middle of supper preparations to remind me that I was supposed to call her after I talked to Mum. That call went on too long because we ended up talking about our trip and gift ideas. I still need to talk to M, I don't even know if Mum knows they're both coming home with me. Things are so hectic lately!

Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min walking

Weekly summary:

Earned 43 APs
12.1 hours (725 min) total activity
23 miles (37 kms) walked
20 FPs remaining
.8 lbs gained
Current weight: 189.4

I couldn't stop saying ass

2008-06-14T23:26:00.003-04:00

2 weeks, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was a bad girl this morning and slept in well past when I would have liked to get up, and then past when I SHOULD have gotten up. Thankfully I had the muffins I made because I didn't have time for breakfast (I'm out of eggs anyway), and just had enough time for a quick shower then out the door. I'm also thankful I was able to grab some vegetarian chili from the freezer that I'd put up from the huge crock pot full I'd made a couple of weeks ago to take with me to work. I ate my muffins on the bus and they were delicious and filling. And my dinner was really good as well, I was afraid the chili would be watery when I defrosted it and heated it, but it turned out well, so I got away with my lie in this morning after all.

It was a good day at work, frustrating at times because there's always so much work to do and I work so hard while most others don't have to. I worked with D tho and we always manage to keep each other's spirits up when we start getting down/frustrated. I managed to lose my pocket monster in the warehouse when I went to get security cases and didn't notice him missing till near the end of my shift when I saw B in the dept, but he had come to return him to me after finding him on the warehouse floor, and I was very chagrined with myself and grateful to him. I would have noticed him gone much sooner if I had not been working with D; I would have been trying to pat him for comfort.

There were messages on my machine this morning from F telling me that she's booked her tickets, so now she and M will both be coming home with me next month. We're trying to persuade D, and he wants to come but doesn't think he can manage it, but at least it's still a small possibility. F called the store to talk to me about it and we had a nice little chat about it, I hope mum calls tomorrow so we can start planning. I need to email M tomorrow, I'm so behind on email but I've not had a spare minute lately. D stayed late today and gave me a ride home, and we were talking for a while about things, and he was commenting again that he really wants to start taking care of his health again, and I started trying to get him to committ to something specific, and we ended up deciding that he would come with me for part of my river walk. I came in and changed and did some calculating, then walked to the point on the river that is by his street, then walked up his street and met up with him at his place. We drove back to the river and parked at the place I figured would let him walk with me for 30 min, which is what we felt would be a good time for him to start off at. He brought his son's dog and we had a lovely time. We've committed to going again on Monday; I'm hoping to get a river walk in tomorrow, but D doesn't need to walk every day, especially since he's just getting back into exercise. I love how he admires what I'm doing and respects my views/advice on health and exercise. I also loved having company for part of my walk, and I really hope this becomes a regular thing for us. Spending time with D does for my soul what the walking does for my body.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Let the rain come down

2008-06-13T21:48:00.003-04:00

2 weeks, 5 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I am pretty exhausted tonight, today was every bit as tiring as I had anticipated, but it was still a good day for all of that. I attmepted baking muffins last night, but forgot to put the yogurt in, and and neglected to buy the extract, but they turned out well anyway. I'd planned to make a bunch and to bring a lot of them to work with me today, but I was pressed for time and decided to get up early and make a fresh batch to bring in with me. I was up at 5am and busy in the kitchen, and they turned out quite well. When D picked me up I handed the container over and he commented that they were still hot. I also made a lasagna last night for he and I to have for dinner, so my efforts in the kitchen were put out there for people to try, something I'm not used to. I hunted DP down and made him try a muffin because he never eats properly, and he ate it and took another for later, which made me very happy. I asked them if they would eat more if I brought them and they said yes, so I might make more in the morning depending on how late I sleep. It's very satisfying to make food that people enjoy.

It was really cold at work today, and when F got in she kept exclaiming over how cold she was, and finally insisted on me feeling her nose to see just how cold it was, only when I touched it she screeched and shoved me away because my fingers were so much colder than her nose. She had a fit because I kept trying to touch her then to determine whether she truly was warmer than I am, and she kept telling me to get my cold hands off her. It was hilarious and very telling of how much I've changed, because I've always been the one who was forever too warm. M couldn't get over it either, when she visited, usually she's the one putting cold feel on me, not the other way around. F had gone to her car to get a couple sweaters, but she ended up taking off one and insisting that I wear it. I shrugged her off saying that I could never fit into any of her clothes, but she threatened me with extreme violence so I tried it on, and not only did it fit but I could even zipper it up! I was so thrilled, I couldn't believe I was actually wearing something of hers. I found D and DP and showed them, I was so proud. Heck, I would have showed customers if I wouldn't have looked like a looney. It was a relief to leave work and be out where it was warm, even tho it was overcast and gloomy and humid. It had been raining earlier and threatened to do more, but I still changed as soon as I got home and went for a river walk. I knew I'd get wet and didn't care, and it rained for most of it, and I got quite wet. It felt really good tho, calming and refreshing, and I felt ess sore and even less tired by the time I got home. But right now I'm fed and watered and showered (the only way to really get dry afer being out in the rain is to take a shower) and I'm going into a daze I'm so tired. Mmmmm.....bed!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Live at both ends but a little dead in the middle

2008-06-12T23:07:00.004-04:00

2 weeks, 6 days till Home!!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another night where I only have a minute to post. I'd planned to get caught up on things here today, but I ended up having company tonight and some of my goals went out the window. I did however get my workout in, the floors, a short walk, some baking, and cooking for tomorrow. I had planned an actual river walk, plus to get my journal sorted and some email, but I think I did pretty good, in light of things. I'm working early in the morning and I expect tomorrow will be a pretty tired day since I will be up so late, but sometimes it is worth it. Plus I will be working with D, and that is always a pleasure. I WI tomorrow and I'm not expecting to see a loss, which is disappointing, but whatever. Since I didn't get my river walk in today I want to do some time on the elliptical tomorrow, in addition to my planned river walk as it will be my off-day. I also want to get caught up on some bookkeeping. My life is so hectic lately, it's mental...I AM working part time, you'd think I'd have more time to get things done!!

Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics(2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min brisk walking

Better than it has any right to be

2008-06-11T23:36:00.002-04:00

3 weeks till Home!!!!!!!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I'm late getting in tonight, and I only have a minute to write because I'm about to fall into bed, but today was such a good day that I don't want to go to sleep just because I want to make it last as long as I can. And just when I thought the goodness was over, I see an email from M telling me she's booked to come home with me this summer. Today really was an awesome day.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Bring me home or leave me be

2008-06-10T21:34:00.002-04:00

3 weeks, 1 day till Home!!

-OP: yes
-activity: yes

This day was a mess of failed plans and time wasted making said plans that failed. I wanted to get a river walk in today, but it ended up an accomplishmet just to get my workout in and most of the housework done.

F's convocation is tomorrow and I got her camera out to take with me and I looked at the pics I took at the concert for the first time since, and I got pretty emotional over it. I avoided the pictures because I needed some space, I was just too emotional about everything for a week or two after the concert, but I felt ready to look, and I got all teary, but it put me in a good mood, which I was grateful for. If I'd looked in the week after I probably would have got depressed from it. I've been a bit of a wreck emotionally for a while now, but I think I'm starting to sort things out a bit. Of course, the news on the family front is introducing new stuff, but there's nothing to be done for it.

I should get my supper soon. I'm out of sorts tonight, I'm in a good mood and a bad one at the same time. I know for a fact I'm restless, almost tempted to do some more exercise and sweat it out if I can.

Earned 8 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics(2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

If you start now

2008-06-09T20:56:00.004-04:00

3 weeks, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It is destined that if I plan my day around one detail, the detail must change so that my whole day can then be royally pooched.

I planned today around getting home from work around 3:45. I had a short shift and wouldn't get a half hour break, only 15, and I decided to just bring carrots and an apple with me and that that would hold me over till I got home. I was going to eat the rest of my dinner then go for a river walk. I was too pressed for time yesterday evening to have made a meal to bring with me, and I would be so rushed this morning to make something that I decided to eat when I got home. So of course my coworker calls in and they can't get anyone to cover, and I'm by myself most of all morning and part of the afternoon. Since they didn't have anyone to cover there were hours available so I ended up working until 6pm. By 4:30 I was really starting to feel fatigued, and while part of it was from working a long shift and not having got enough sleep last night, I can see how much, if not all, of it was caused by not having a proper meal at midday. Carrots and an apple are simply not enough to carry me through till suppertime when I'm working. I've been tired on long shifts before, but not like today, I felt headachy and kept losing my energy as time went on and was having a hard time concentrating. It was a crappy shift from that perspective, but it was validating in a sense, because it reinforces for me the fact that the way I choose to eat really can affect my well-being and my ability to perform. I never really believed I could control how I felt physically before, and to learn that I really do contribute to how I feel from day to day is rather splendid, really.

Either way I didn't get the river walk in after I got home. I was tired and hungry, and settled for walking up the street to get milk and green peppers. It would have been nice to get the walk in, but it would have finished me to try to exert that muh energy not having eaten properly today. I did take a few minutes out to try on a couple of pairs of pants I'd been hoarding since late last fall, and they fit me now. One pair is actually a nice dressy pair of black pants, and I'm thinking I might wear them to F's convocation on Wednesday, if I can find a top in my closet to go with it. I'm still squeeing over the time I spent yesterday trying stuff on, and my discovery regarding my Goal Shirt. I'd not planned to be trying on clothes, but when I was sorting stuff for laundry yesterday I just took the notion and went ahead and did it. That's one of the things I love best about my Sundays; I'm not so strict about work before play, as long as the things that HAVE to get done are done, I let myself pick and choose over the things I could do but don't have to. I really hope I can wear my Goal Shirt when I go home next month, I can't believe how soon it will be that I will be going!! Mum told me last night when she called that Dad is not well, and I'm even more anxious than ever to go home and see my family. Again and again today I have thought about how very grateful I am that I chose to make this lifestyle change a year ago, because it means that I am where I am now, and that when I see my family I will have this wonderful surprise for them. I keep thinking about a fortune cookie saying that D got and had posted in the dept in the old store..."Think what you could accomplish if you start now", because it is soo true. Time slips by so quickly, the days rush past and then the months, and we could get so far if we just made the most of each day and didn't put our goals off. Weight loss takes time, and when I started I knew it would take a year at least to get to where I wanted, and because I made that choice to start, one year ago, I am now approaching my goal. We could be so far ahead if only we start when we realise what we want. I am so happy to be able to make this trip home having made this journey this past year.

Earned 1 AP today: 20 min brisk walking

Dream on

2008-06-08T23:45:00.005-04:00

3 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP:yes
-activity: yes

I'd wanted to be in bed long before this, but it is Sunday, my day, and as usual an unpredictable day. I got two phone calls that helped to throw the day off, one from M down south, and one from Mum. It didn't help that I felt the need for a nap this afternoon, and a sudden storm blew up out of no where and took one of my blinds and I had to venture out after the rain to go looking for it, and then got to visiting with the neighbours. I didn't get a river walk in, but I did get my workout in. I really don't know ow I feel at the end of this day, but I know I felt good earlier; I spent some time singing and dancing this afternoon, trying on clothes in my closest, and I realised that my Goal Shirt might actuall be wearable at some point, more specifically, when I go home next month.

Time will tell. Time always does.

Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min walking

Weekly summary:

Earned 43 APs
12 hours (720 min) total activity
23.5 miles (37.8 kms) walked
32 FPs remaining
1 lb lost
Current weight: 188.6

Apples and carrots

2008-06-07T23:59:00.004-04:00

3 weeks, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another good day, I don't mind working the Saturday shifts because it always has a "Friday" mentality to it, since I don't work Sundays and Sunday is my day to enjoy myself. Plus I got to work the whole shift with D, which is always a treat. I saw a fellow who was one of my students a few years ago, and I didn't realise till afterward why he was confused at first whether it was me or not, I guess I look a little different. But he did recognise me so I guess I don't look THAT different. We had a lovely chat and I gave him lots of advice about applying to schools and such. After work I walked to the grocery nearby and priced my staples, tho I didn't have time to price them all because time got away from me (the store was really crowded and it was hard to move around) and I needed to catch my bus. I was out of carrots and apples so I picked those up, and afterward on the bus when I looked at my notebook where I've been doing my pricing, I saw that I had saved over 4 dollars over what I would have paid for those carrots and apples at the store where I usually shop for such. It was a little unnerving to see the difference; that's my bus far to and from work for a day. Most of the staples I did price (I did get most of it done) were cheaper at the work store, so it looks like I'll be doing most of my shopping there from now on. The days when I have a 30 min wait after my shift for the bus I might be able to get over to the store and grab odds and ends and get out to the stop in time to make it, which would be convenient, since I'd have to wait anyway. It would be nice if I could pick up things I'm short of without having to wait for the next bus, because the commute already takes so long. It would make it all a little less inconvenient; I've been rather unhappy with the change in locations so far in terms of the trouble it costs me, I could use some benefits from it to balance it out a little. I got home from work in time to get a river walk in, and while it was no where near as warm as it was earlier in the day, and a great improvement over the heat of yesterday, it was still humid and hot and I was feeling the effects of it when I got home, tired and achy. Even so I did enjoy it, no matter being tired from work and not enough sleep. I have to get a workout in tomorrow, come hell or high water.....or heat or humidity!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Guaranteed...

2008-06-06T23:25:00.003-04:00

3 weeks, 5 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

...that I have a full day planned for today, and I get asked to work. Didn't get my workout in or the laundry done, and I won't even get started on the sorry state of my social life. I did get to see D for a while as he finished out his shift, and I got to work most of mine with F, which made it more bearable. We had a nice chat about my trip home, and how she might be coming with me. Turns out M might come too, only everything is up in the air. I hope decisions are made soon so I can start getting excited, right now I've grabbed my excitement by the scruff of the neck and crammed it into a box and am sitting on it so it can't get out. I don't want to get all worked up over something not decided yet, I get way too disappointed over things like that. So I'm playing the wait and see game. It's definitely not easy tho.

I walked to the grocery that is far away, needed to stock up on bread. Such a hot and humid day, but again I made it fine even covered up from the sun and walking briskly. I know a year ago I would have suffered and sweated up a storm, but I am so happy to see how much better I am able to tolerate the heat. I was in a listless stupor again in the afternoon however, when I was on the bus to work, sitting in the heat makes me stupid, it took at least an hour at work before I woke up, I HATE that feeling!

And speaking of that feeling, I'm brain-dead yet again...it is very warm tonight, I'm just sitting here and I'm still sweaty. Time for bed anyway, t'is late.

Earned 4 APs today: 70 min brisk walking

I thought you said you were big?

2008-06-05T21:03:00.005-04:00

3 weeks, 6 days till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Summer seems to have arrived at long last. I enjoyed the coolness while it was here, but it looks like the heat and humidity have set in now. There was a few times today I was sitting in a half stupor without my wits. The heat always makes me stupid, I'll feel half asleep now until October shows up I expect. I've been curious how I would be able to handle the heat this summer, and so far it seems like I am better able to tolerate it than I have been before. I'm cautiously optomistic, however, it is only the first day of summer, July and August will be the real test for me. But so far so good, I even wore long sleeves today, and walked. And I didn't feel like I was roasting in hell. But then, I have a bad memory for numbers, for all I know a year ago I wouldn't have found a day like today THAT hot, but I know surely I would have thought it hotter than I did today, and would have been more uncomfortable. I'm glad I was able to wear long sleeves, I really want to avoid being exposed to the sun as long as I can this summer.

Okay maybe I'm not uncomfortable, but the heat is still stealing my wits, I'm sitting here blank as a slate, I don't have the first clue what I planned to post about this evening. I might have to start writing my posts in the morning and posting them later. I was soo brain-dead this morning when I finally got up. I woke up about 7:30 as usual, but I was still a bit tired so I decided to go back to sleep, only it took about an hour for me to get really asleep (I kept dozing and waking), but then I did get to sleep, only I started having nightmares, and finally I made myself wake up in the middle of one to get away from it, and then I was dopey for half an hour because I hadn't risen up out of sleep naturally. Between that and the heat, I've been a lot less alert today despite having got enough sleep for the first time in ages. However I wasn't so brain-dead not to appreciate the compliment when a guy who lives up the street hailed me from the corner when I was walking home from the store and said "I can't even recognise you any more!" And yesterday another neighbour told me "You're looking fantastic!" I've been getting a lot of compliments the past couple of weeks and I've been loving it, I hope everyone back home thinks I look fantastic too...less than a month now!!!

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Enjoy your you-day

2008-06-04T21:16:00.003-04:00

4 weeks till Home!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another day with my plan tossed out the window, but it was by choice for once. I'd planned a workout in the morning, a river walk later in the afternoon, and housecleaning in between and/or afterward. Instead I woke up tired yet again, and I took a look at my day, and at the past week, and decided my body has been talking to me and I have not been paying it proper attention. I'm fatigued and achy, and whether it's because my period started yesterday or because the last two weeks have been physically/mentally taxing, all that matters is that my body wants rest, and not giving it what it needs right now will only hinder me. I went for the walk in the morning instead, and took it easy for the rest of the day. I did clean up in the kitchen, but decided to leave the rest till tomorrow if I'm feeling up to it. I've been craving muffins, and had been all set to go out and buy the rest of the ingredients (plus the muffin pans) I needed in order to try making some apple and cinnamon muffins, when suddenly I thought about the expense of it (stocking a pantry for cooking or baking is costly when you're starting out!) when muffins are a treat and not a meal, and I realised that I've been craving comfort food, because I've been feeling tired and a little burned out from work and such. So I decided to put muffins off till maybe after next payday, if I can manage the expense, and I had oatmeal instead, with apple sauce and an apple cut up, and cinnamon and a little milk. It hit the spot and I did feel better afterward, comforted I guess, tho I wish I could find my comfort elsewhere. I guess it is unavoidable to find comfort in food at times, I imagine even the skinniest people alive have comfort food once in a while. At least I've been controlling the amount/type of comfort food I use now; it does not stop me from losing weight. Maybe I can't give up finding comfort in food at times, but I can choose to use foods that are good for me/won't make me gain.

I did spend a few hours getting my journal caught up, and I do feel loads better about that. I went back and made entries for the days I'd missed, so I could record my exercise, and for the most part I was able to remember what had been going on most days and things I had on my mind at the time and would have talked about here if I'd posted. The week after the concert was a weird one for me, I was still very emotional and inside myself. I'm doing much better now, I've noticed this week that I feel better than I have in many months, emotionally. Seems my celebration was therapudic in addition to being the thrill of my life so far.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

In Thermometer We Trust

2008-06-03T23:59:00.005-04:00

4 weeks, 1 day till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was in bed and looking forward to drifting into oblivion when I realised I had not posted. Today was extemely full and I was tired yet again, but it was a good day nonetheless. Today managed to be fun and interesting and strange and unique and I wouldn't have changed anything about it, oddness and all. I was up early (wanting/needing more sleep, but getting up when I awoke, I really want to stick to getting up earlier in the morning as opposed to later) and eating right away (go me!!). I went for a river walk, which was heavenly, and came back only to leave again to go to the grocery because I needed romaine for tonight's supper and eggs for tomorrow's breakfast. Somehow time got away from me and when I got back I had to rush to get my dinner made and ate and supper made to take with me to work. I hate being rushed when I eat my big meal (which was dinner today), I like to take my time and enjoy my food, and lately I've been having to eat WAY too fast in order to be ready on time. I need to pay more attention to my time management to allow myself the proper amount of time to get ready and eat sedately.

I got to work 40 min early because of the bus schedule and I got off a few stops early because I noticed there looked to be a grocery store near my work. I went in not knowing what to expect, and it turns out that it is indeed a grocery, and it seems to have all manner of things in it that I could need. I didn't have much time to spend there, and needed to get mushrooms and pasta sauce, which I couldn't get at the grocery near me, but I did hurry aroud to price a few of my staples. I was thrilled to see that apples are 50 cents cheaper a lb there, and spaghetti squash and mushrooms look to be cheaper too. The pasta cause was cheaper, and I think I'll find a few other things I need cheaper there as well. Peppers were the same price, and they don't carry my pitas, but you can't have everything in life. I'm thrilled with the store, and I want to start figuring out more specifically what foods are cheaper where, and start planning my shopping in more detail. For the days I have to wait for a bus, or finish early, I can plan to do my shopping after work, and just hop on the bus to go home, the bus stop is close to the store, will only take about 5 min top to get there, and I don't have to change buses to get home, so it will be fine to carry groceries back with me. I'm determined to become a smarter shopper!!

One noteworthy thing is that I popped into the washroom at the grocery and saw that TOM had showed up. I keep wanting to say "unexpectedly", because I was truly surprised, but the thing is I had no right to be. I've been ignoring the signs for days now; I've been moody and my lower back has been hurting, but I felt time-wise I needed another week yet, no matter what my body was telling me. I've been taking my temp every morning to chat my cycle, and this morning it dropped a few tenths of a degree, and when I saw the number I instinctively thought, "Oh, my period will start today", but then I dismissed that, thinking it is too soon yet, and that it must be an anonomly. Turns out I should be reading my body like I always did before, and I should be trusting the thermometer, since this is the whole reason I'm doing the temp thing to begin with. Thank god I had my bag with me so I had what i needed, but it could have been a messy (and less fun) day if I hadn't!

Work was actually a lot of fun, customers were friendly and happy and I had a great time, and even saw my sweetie who comes in every Tuesday to see the new releases but I normally don't work Tuesdays so I don't get to see him that often. He mentioned that I look to have lost a lot of weight, and said I look fantastic. I wish I could steal him and take him home with me, he's a real teddy bear. I also had an interesting chat with a customer on the phone, feeling guilty the whole time because it ended up feeling like a personal call instead of work. They were taking the bunches of helium balloons off the floor from our grand opening, which I have been eying for days now. I've wanted to steal the whole bunch to take home with me. Of course that would mean that there would be no room for anything in the flat except balloons, but hell, sleeping on the balcony would be worth all the balloony-goodness! As it is I did steal one bunch to take home (I was getting a ride with a coworker). Actually, the manager told me I could take as many as I want, and told me of course my coworker wouldn't mind me filling his car with balloons. Turns out he didn't, and getting them into his 2-door car in the rain was riotously hilarious. It was all we could do to get the seats to tilt back for us to sit in them, and he looked at me and grinned and said, "we'll probably get pulled over by the cops!" and I laughed more thinking it looked like there were about 12 people in the backseat. We got home without trouble (there was a frog-related incident when I was getting dropped off tho) and now the balloons are here with me making me smile every time I look at them. Seriously, helium balloons turn me into a 3-year-old again, I have to glomp on them every time I pass by. I named my last helium balloon I had a few years ago, but since I have 22 now, I probably won't attempt to name them. Probably.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

There's an XBox where my heart used to be

2008-06-02T20:10:00.004-04:00

4 weeks, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I always mishear the lyrics of the songs they play at work.

It wasn't a particularly taxing day at all, but I was physically tired for the length of it. I didn't get as much sleep last night as I needed, yesterday completely got away from me. I had planned to clean the flat, but got caught up in doing the kitchen. I spend so much time in there now, I really want it to be nice and organised. I reorganised cupboards, and got some containers from the dollar store because I wanted different sizes from the ones I have. Now my flour is in a nice container on the counter next to the one holding my cereal, and I have one in the fridge to hold my mushrooms, and I have one for storing cake in. M made cake when she was here and I got hooked, it's now my dessert of choice. I made some last night, and I mixed it with diet Dr Pepper, and I cut up fresh cherries to put in it, and I used fat free chocolate jello pudding for a topping, very satisfying! I'm going to have more tonight, I'm actually really hungry and have not had supper yet, but I'm having a chat with M so it will be a little later. M was telling me last night how my mannerisms have changed since I've lost weight, and it was a rather intriguing conversation. I never would have thought I acted different, just that I eat different and look different. She tried to explain that I move more, and gave an example of something I would say that made me think she must know what she's talking about even if I'm completely clueless. It's so strange to be made aware of this blindspot I have to how I actu differently in this, it's pretty cool actually, because it's a good lesson to learn. We can think we know ourselves so well, it's good to be reminded that for some things we are unable to be objective or see ourselves as we truly are. I had an odd moment earlier today at work when I was alone in the lunchroom having my dinner. I was reading the paper and for some reason was reminded of infomercials for weight loss, and I was thinking how I would look at them at think how someday I would do something like that and lose weight, and for a moment I felt that same feeling just like I used to, this sensation of longing and a mess of other emotions like I used to feel, and then suddenly I realised that I've already done it, and that I've already come so far. It was sooo surreal, I was a little disoriented for a moment, and I was reminded again that I'm still not able to get that things have changed.

Earned 8 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 15 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

My body's nobody's body but mine...

2008-06-01T21:04:00.006-04:00

4 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

...you got your own body, let me have mine!!!!!

A friend of mine here in Ontario told me that she learned a song to that effect in elementary school, a gimmick that was used in the schools here to teach children about molestation and abuse. It is in my mind today because of a post I read today on a website I frequent that belongs to a wonderful woman named Roni. She posted about how she has decided to have some additional surgery (she had a tummy tuck done over a year ago now I think it was) to tidy her stomach up after she had a big weight loss. A person made a comment on her blog about too much perfection, and I immediately saw red.

How dare people be negative towards someone who decides to have surgery to tidy their body after extreme weight loss? Why do people think they're better than someone else, just because they think/believe differently? I wonder if this person has ever lost a huge amount of weight, and have had to deal with that. If a person changes their lifestyle and exercises and loses weight, and then has a bunch of leftover skin because their skin doesn't shrink like some people's, why on earth should that person have to live with it forever and suffer it, when surgery can fix it? Why do some people make a judgement call that surgery for reasons other than are meant to save your life are wrong, shameful, or wasteful? Why do some people think their way of thinking is better than someone else's?

Och, I suppose it can apply to lots of different topics, but this one is definitely very, very personal to me. I plan to have surgery as soon as I can manage it to tidy my body up, and woe be to any person who tries to tell me to my face that I should be ashamed, or who looks down their noses at me. It is not my fault that my skin does not snap back. And if someone thinks that I should live the rest of my life with my body sagging and hanging and drooping all over as some kind of price because I lived so long as a morbidly obese person, then those people can go fuck themselves. How dare someone think they are better because they have been thin forever, or don't have to deal with their skin hanging off them like deflated balloons. There is nothing shameful in not being happy with your body and with wanting to change it. There is nothing shameful in turning to surgery because it is a last resort. And you know what? There is nothing shameful in turning to surgery as a first resort, that is simply what someone else decides is right for them. Just because it is not right for you does NOT mean that you are suddenly superior. You can talk all you want about your battle scars, but just because you are happy with your body drooping does not mean you are better than me because I am not happy with my body drooping. I accept me for who I am, and I love me for who I am, and my happiness does not hang on this single thing, but it is still an important thing to me, and I will change it when I can so that I can be happier. No, I would not jump off the bridge if surgery was impossible. I did not jump off the bridge when I was morbidly obese. My life does not depend on what my body looks like, but if I am happier without the excess skin, then I will aim to get rid of it, because we only have one life to live, and I have every right to be as happy as I can, and to do what I can to reach my goals. It is not a failing to be unhappy with my body, if it was not a failing to be unhappy with an obese body, it is not a failing to be unhappy with a size 12 body in size 26 skin. and if I choose to spend thousands of dollars to get my body the way I want it, who are you to look down your nose at me, or at Roni, or at anyone else who makes this decision? If I am not depriving myself or someone else of the necessities of life to do so, and if I am not hanging my life on it, just deciding it is something I want and is within my means, then it is my choice to do so. People spend money on all manner of things, cars, houses, clothes...this is my body...my body...surely my body is the most important thing to me, more important than material possessions. Surely if nothing else, I have a right to work on my body and to have it the way I want it. And if there is no way other than surgery than to get it the way I want it, after so much effort, then so be it. Everyone who thinks differently can bugger off in high fashion.

Yes, I am very passionate about this topic. I had so much more I wanted to say about it, but I get so emotional about it that I lose it all.

It was a good day, I went for a walk late this morning, and spent the afternoon cleaning. I meant to catch up on my journal this evening, but the cleaning went overboard, and I ran out of time. I didn't get to the main room, but the kitchen is all sorted, and I got some new containers to get things more organised in there. I spend a lot of time in there, it's only fitting that it should be sorted and sensible. Okay, time for supper shortly, more tomorrow.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 42 APs
7.4 hours (945 min) total activity
9 miles (14.5 kms) walked
29 FPs remaining
2.0 lbs lost
Current weight: 189.6

Get her some sex toys

2008-05-31T22:44:00.004-04:00

4 weeks, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
activity: yes

That was what I said to my supervisor's boss at work today after he responded to my suggestion that he bring his wife flowers that after 12 years of marriage flowers get boring. At the look on his face I said if he can't handle bringing home sex toys that he could always cook supper, because no matter how long a woman has been married, she NEVER gets tired of a man doing housework.

Another taxing day and I am finding myself exhausted tonight. I had to finish my workout when I got home this evening, but at least I got it in, plus a little walking, besides. There was take-out pizza at work again today and the smell of it was giving me fits. Cheese really does do it to me, I miss it so much.

Okay I'd meant to say more, but between one sentence and the next I went brain-dead, and I still need supper. I'll try to catch everything up tomorrow.

Earned 10 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Lovely day for a Guinness

2008-05-30T23:19:00.004-04:00

4 weeks, 5 days till Home!
-OP: yes
activity: yes

It is a wee bit of a stormy night, complete with rain, thunder and lightening, and I am enjoying a cold Guinness while I come down for the day. The thunder gives me delightful shivers from head to toe, and I wish it would go on all night. There is nothing quite like the sound of rain and thunder, especially at night time. Mostly I'm just glad the rain held off till after I got home from work. Work is stressful enough lately without having to wait in the rain for my bus afterward. I was thinking there would be food there today, and was looking forward to stuffing my belly full of their fruits and veggies, but they played it small today and just had sandwiches and doughnuts. There was also cake. Thankfully I always come prepared with my own food, so I didn't go hungry. I did want a sandwich and some cake tho, and I did consider a sandwich, but I didn't know if there was sauce on it, and it was easier just to eat my own supper that I brought. I'd intended to get a workout in today, and I attempted to get up early enough to get one in, but I slept in till 7am, and was a little slow getting breakfast because I had to walk to the store for milk, and I ended up getting distracted by the comp and was tired besides, and didn't get it in. I committed to doing it when I got home tonight, but I was too tired to consider it, so I did the elliptical again, and resigned myself to making up for it later. Everything has a price, and I accept that I will have to do more workouts this upcoming week to make up for it. I'll have a lot less hours to work, so I'm considering workout out every second day between tomorrow and the rest of the week. That will be challenging, but I have a whole week to make up for, having had no time for strength training. I'm not going to strictly hold myself to a S-M-W-F-S schedule, but I will work out 4 times, anyway. I dreamed last night that I went home to see my family, and I wanted to surprise them like I'm planning, but family members kept coming across me before I was ready, and friends kept almost giving me away besides. And it didn't seem like they noticed a difference when they saw me, they just thought I was home for an unexpected visit. It's crazy how much this comes up in my dreams...it's constant! After M visited a couple weeks ago, I'd accepted for a while that I am different and thinner, and that there is a big change. Between she and F telling me, I finally felt more relaxed about wondering whether I really look different, and worrying that the change won't be drastic enough for my family to really notice. Unfortuately however, the fear and worry has creeped in again, and I'm back to fretting that I won't be adequately different for when I go home. I really want to surprise them, and I feel like I'm running out of time to get thin enough to really wow them. It's been such a motivator for me, it's something I've always wanted to do. I've struggled with the perfectionist in me, and in this, she is rearing her head like no one's business. I hate feeling like I've not come far enough to make that much of a difference in this, I hate feeling like I won't be able to make that goal. I'm proud of what I've done, without one doubt, I just really want this so badly, to be really different when I see my family.

Earned 7 APs today: 50 min elliptical

What comes is better than what came before

2008-05-29T21:02:00.005-04:00

4 weeks, 6 days till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Oh it was definitely a Guinness day today, I only wish I could have a second and get pleasantly buzzed, but as tired as I am it would be a waste, really. Work was stressful again, but not necessarily bad. There are people in the store from other locations in the district to help us with the move, and some of them are extremely unpleasant to be around. One person in particular makes me want to rip her face off, and after one run in today(I've mostly been avoiding having to interact with her the way people avoid rabid squirrels) I was in such a foul mood that the store manager noticed me in the midst of all his busyness and pulled me aside for a chat, he more or less said I looked like a thundercloud. He was supportive, which is good, because if he had handled it differently it would have been like dropping a bottle of nitro. With respect and consideration he listened to my beef, and told me that I needed to calm down and get into a positive mindframe because we had just opened our new store and we had customers to think of. If he had done it any differently I would have been even more furious, but he did very well, I didn't feel I was being called out, and I was able to calm down. If he keeps up, I think he could do very well as a GM. I eventually went on break and ate; I planned to go immediately on his "recommendation" (read orders) but that person was in the lunch room so the floor was the best place for me to calm down. They had ordered stuff for sandwiches, plus fruits and veggies again, which I like best. I'd brought lasanga, and I ate their freggies with it. Heck, I even drank their water. I eat so little fruit that grapes, strawberries and melon taste soo sweet to me now. I had a conversation in the lunch room with coworkers about vegeables, and it was so nice to sit there and talk freely about things I eat. I was always so ashamed before, but now I am proud that I eat well, I'm not afraid that anyone will put me down. Tons of people at work the last week or so have been commenting on my weight loss, it's been surprising and really nice. I've been getting lots of comments like "keep getting smaller and smaller", "carrots for lunch? no wonder you're wasting away!", "you've lost so much!", "everytime I see you, you're skinnier", and "hey, it's the thin girl!". F is definitely right, having people see you outside of your work uniform makes a big difference! Okay, time for me to eat and get to bed, been a loooong day (week) and I put in 50 min on the elliptical tonight. Bed is going to be heaven!

Earned 7 APs today: 50 min elliptical

I want to see D's doodle

2008-05-28T21:00:00.005-04:00

5 weeks till Home!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It's nice to be back to scheduling in time to journal. I only have a few minutes, because I also have to schedule in time for supper before bed (which is soon, unfortunately), which I'm having late because I scheduled in my activity after I got home from work...LATE, because I went out with F and D after we finished our shift - which had NOT been scheduled into my day..lol. It was a long, stressful day at the new store and they wanted to go out for a bite and since D is my ride I of course went along. Not that I don't want to hang out with my two best friends in the city, but I hadn't planned on dining out, plus I still needed to get exercise in. I didn't have supper, just had a beer, and when I came home I exercised right away to make sure I did it. I'd hoped to get a workout in, but since I was late getting home there was just no way. I was tempted to just go for a short walk, but I want meat on my pizza when I have supper, so I got on the elliptical for some high intensity exercise instead. I'm hungry and I'm looking forward to eating, today was challenging, with take out pizzas at work, and then being at one of my fav restaurants this evening when I was hungry. I know I could have had something, but if I ate it would be sooo hard to come home and exercise, plus I hadn't planned to eat out and if I had something it would be a lot of points. If I didn't need to come home and exercise, I would have done it, but I figured I had enough will power to resist. There will be other days to eat there, it's right next to the new store, and I really want to lose as much as I can before I go home. I had a good time with my friends, D even drew one of his sketches on a napkin. Anyhoo, time to get my pizza fix after wanting it all day!

Earned 5 APs today: 35 min elliptical

You look so pretty with your body like that

2008-05-27T20:52:00.006-04:00

5 weeks, 1 day till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

That was what a coworker said to me today after I said "You look so pretty with your hair like that". She is a real sweetheart, and constantly tells me how much weight I've been losing and how wonderful I look.

I've not been posting, and after she said that today I laughed and said "Okay that will be my quote for today", and then I thought about how I've not been posting every day like I had been for so long, and I decided that it was the kick I needed to post again tonight, just so I could make it my quote.

I got behind on the journalling after my Celebration Weekend, because things were busy and I wanted to be able to post properly about things. This has always been a weakness of mine, something I have struggled with for years now. I've gotten better at it, much better, but this has definitely been a relapse into old behaviours/mindsets. I get so rigid and obsessive sometimes, and I was determined not to post till I got caught up. Only, instead of being a motivator, it just makes me that much more behind when it takes longer to get caught up, which only makes me more behind of course. Such a vicious cycle. I'm not an unintelligent woman, it's mental how I can know these things and yet have to learn them again and again. I knew what was happening but couldn't seem to let myself unbend enough to take the first step and stop holding myself to such high standards. So yes, I am posting tonight when my journal is woefully behind. So is my email, incidently, something else I was thinking I should get caught up on before I started posting again. But the lesson I keep having to learn is...I'll get nothing done to suit me if I keep waiting for things to suit me before I begin. Maybe I can get to the email tomorrow, but I'm planning to work out after work, so it doesn't seem likely. Things have been crazy the past little while, work is insane with the move (we're changing locations). Also D's mum just died, so aside from losing him from work and having to help pick up the slack, I've also had him on my mind. I'd planned email/journal time into my day on Sunday, but lost it when D called and we spent hours on the phone. As it is I have to go eat my supper, but I wanted to get this post out of the way, so to speak, and take the first step to getting it back into my routine.

Work was better today, it helped that they didn't have the music blasting. The people I'm around are still mostly annoying tho, but I do my best to avoid the bad ones. They have been providing food for us, and I am soo glad I made food for this week and can come prepared, elsewise the pizza and sandwiches and doughnuts and cake etc etc would be so much harder to resist. I do fill up on their fruit and veggies when they have them tho, might as well save my own money! I got on the elliptical when I got home; it's been a long time since I've been on it, but I did well. I'll probably log a lot of miles on it this week.

I'll post again tomorrow.

Earned 5 APs today: 40 min elliptical

Taxing Monday

2008-05-26T23:59:00.003-04:00

5 weeks, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

OMG what an exhausting and aggravating day!!!!

I was up at 6am to get ready for work. My first time going to the new store, incidently without ever having been there and only the vaguest idea where to find it. With the change of location I am required to take a different bus route. Before I got a bus downtown then transfered. Now I have to get just one bus, but it takes the longest way possible to get there, leaves the city and meanders around, and eventually gets me to where I need to go, over an hour later. It's a pleasant bus ride for all that, the scenery is MUCH nicer, as a lot of it is through country/suburbs, lots of nature (and critters!) to look at. I saw deer, turtles, pretty birds, two cats in a window, a bunny, something that looked like a coyote and I don't know what else. Fortunately the bus driver knew where to let me off. Unfortunately, by the time I got there I felt like it had taken me since the day before just to get there. I am not going to enjoy this longer commute at all.

Work was very long and very stressful. They had music playing to get people motivated, problem was it was so loud it was almost painful. Did nothing for my concentration or my mood. Way too many cooks without any idea what was supposed to be going on in the kitchen. F came along a couple of hours later, and by the time I saw her I was in sugh a state of agitation/nerves that I actually shrieked a few times instead of talking, to express how I was feeling (the music was so loud that people 15 feet away from me didn't even notice the insane screeching). But I got through it without killing myself or someone else (a near thing). Then there was an incident when I was attempting to get a bus home that was so infuriating and upsetting that I was trembling most of the bus ride home in temper. I'd made plans for a friend to come over and I was thinking I was no fit company, but my friend had had a bad day too so it was all good, neither of us expected the other to be in an energetic mood. I didn't get any "real" exercise in, I'm just using the 15 min walk I had to do from the end of the bus run to get home. This week is going to suck for exercise if I'm this exhausted and stressed at the end of every day :(

Earned 1 AP today: 15 min brisk walking

Cooking Sunday

2008-05-25T23:59:00.004-04:00

5 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It was a great day, even tho I never got to do near as much stuff as I wanted. I didn't sleep as much as I wanted, because I wanted to get up early so I could get my activity in so I could have enough time later in the day to relax and get caught up on book-keeping. I also wanted to do cooking for the upcoming week. The cooking got done, but the book-keeping did not. I'd also wanted to do a river walk, but I lost that time when D called early in the afternoon, and we ended up talking for a few hours. His mum just died and we'd not talked since it had happened. We had a lovely chat, he'd been on vacation in Britain and I'd not talked to him in a couple weeks, felt like forever. He's doing really well, as I knew he would be. I also knew he'd need his space right now which is why I wasn't calling him. His mum has been really ill for a long time, and we'd talked at length about it last year and what it would be like when she finally passed on. So my plan for the day went out the window, but I don't regret it in the slightest. The most important stuff got done; I made speghetti squash lasagna, and a huge crock pot full of meat-less chili for the upcoming week. I even backed another yummy M-cake (M-inspired cake I mean, not a cake with M in it!..lol), and supper for tonight on top of it. Had planned to have some of the lasagna tonight (the chili needs to simmer over night), but I decided to have pizza instead; I'll need as much food as possible for this week, I'm not going to have time to spit. LOVED the time I spent in the kitchen tonight tho, I felt so capable and proud of myself! :D

Earned 9 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 20 min brisk walking

Bittersweet Saturday

2008-05-24T23:59:00.003-04:00

5 weeks, 4 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Today was my last day in the old store, and it was a strange day overall. It was weird to walk around knowing I wouldn't see it again, and to think about being in the new store, which I've never seen. I walked around and said my goodbyes, and made a point of walking down the few aisles that I have never been down. Yes, as unbelievable as it is, there were a few, even after one and a half years there. Things were chaotic as late afternoon approached, because most of the employees were coming in to start the first stage of the move, and the store was crowded. Before I left, I did take my picture off the wall where they had pics of the employees in each dept. It was taken about a month after I started WW, and I want to have it on hand to remind me what I looked like back then, there are so few real pics of me from the past year. It was really really strange to leave the store for the last time, but a friend picked me up and took me shopping, so thankfully I had company. Went for a riverwalk after I got home even tho I was really tired. It was good tho, warm and sunny and relaxed. They tried and tried to get me to come in tomorrow, but I stuck to my guns...I need my Sunday, and next week is going to be exhausting, I expect.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Grumpy Friday

2008-05-23T23:59:00.004-04:00

5 weeks, 5 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Plans got cancelled this morning and I've been in a bad mood most of the day. I wasn't in the mood to exercise, so I put the workout off till evening, which I hate doing. I'd wanted to get a river walk in too, but I took a nap instead late in the afternoon. I could have got together with a friend tonight, but I was too tired and surly and had to get the workout in. Blah!

Earned 8 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Thursday

2008-05-22T23:59:00.004-04:00

5 weeks, 6 days till Home!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Went for a slightly abbreviated walk this afternoon with someone I just met, talked loads but wasn't as fast as I'm used to. Oh well, the company was welcome, and I enjoyed it immensely. Got myself off to work afterward and business as usual.

Earned 4 APs today: 60 min brisk walking

Wednesday

2008-05-21T23:59:00.005-04:00

6 weeks till Home!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I'm determined to get in 4 workouts this week on account of next week going to be so busy at work. We're moving the store and we're all going to be scheduled as many hours as we can manage without going into overtime. Going to be challenging next week to get my activity in every day, don't know if I'll be abl to fit in full body workouts, but I plan to try. I had to do part of my workout today after work because I didn't have time to get it done beforehand, but it all worked out and I even had time to go out to the pub for a lovely night. All good.

Earned 8 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Tuesday

2008-05-20T23:59:00.003-04:00

6 weeks, 1 day till Home!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I was passing by the pub on my way home from my walk this evening and I noticed that Tuesday is Open Mic night, so I came home, cleaned up, and packed up my laptop and went back to listen and have a couple beers and try to catch up on some book-keeping stuff. I'm sooo woefully behind!!! Takes me back to my school days a year ago, did a lot of work in that pub over my laptop with a few beers.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 brisk walking

Monday

2008-05-19T23:59:00.007-04:00

6 weeks, 2 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I got a workout and a river walk in today, and it felt really good. I love how my workout is 30 min shorter with the extra weights I have now!

Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking

Sunday

2008-05-18T23:59:00.004-04:00

6 weeks, 3 days till Home!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Was a pretty blah day, had things on my mind and wasn't much in the mood to do anything. I tried a recipe for spaghetti squash cakes, but instead of frying them (I'd used my oils for the day on my breakfast omlette and didn't want to 'waste' points on more oil) I used my Foreman Grill. It wasn't particularly successful, I think they need to be fried to be really good, but I ate them anyway, ketchup makes anything fine. I attempted my own variation of the chicken lasagna M made when she was here, and that was much more successful. It was still high in points tho, but I made modifications to make it less so from the original recipe, so I could eat more of it. I definitely plan on making it again, and to tweak the recipe some more if I can to bring those points down...so yummy!

Earned 5 APs today: 85 min brisk walking

Mirrors, mirrors everywhere

2008-05-17T23:59:00.004-04:00

6 weeks, 4 days till Home!
-OP: no
-activity: yes

I'm really disappointed with this day for the single fact that I forgot to get my second serving of dairy in when I got home at the end of the night. All I needed was a cup of milk to be on track for the day, but I was distracted when I got home and ended up forgetting. It was a good day tho, the staff meeting was fine, the best one I've been to so far actually, our first one with our new store manager. There were doughnuts and coffee as usual, and as usual people were trying to get me to partake and were surprised that I don't do it. I did my shopping afterward, and ended up lugging around quite a bit of weight in my backpack on account of getting the weights at Canadian Tire. Add the weight of the groceries in my bags and it was a lot harder to move around than I've gotten used to. It occurred to me that it always used to be that hard to move, only I didn't notice it before, so when I got home I was curious and I stepped onto the scale still carrying everything, and it read up around 250. It was a little shocking actually; I felt sooo heavy and weighed down, and yet I used to be so much heavier. I know I started WW at 288, but I lost weight in the year before, and I know I was in the 300 easily, because I lost 2 sized before going on WW. I sincerely wish there were weight-suits for us to wear that would instantly put us back to our old weight, so we could walk around and feel the difference, because I think that would truly bring it home for me in a way that nothing else could just how far I've come. I've said it before and I'll say it again...how do really skinny people not just float away into the sky??

Earned 13 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 35 min shoulders, 20 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 80 min brisk walking

Friday

2008-05-16T23:59:00.005-04:00

6 weeks, 5 days till Home!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another long day, I'd wanted to make plans for tonight with friends, but work precluded that. I haven't heard back yet about tomorrow, I'm hoping we can do something then. I'm planning to get a different bus after my transfer downtown, and go do some shopping after the staff meeting. I want to get another set of weights, because I only have a single 7lb and a single 10lb, and it will cut my lifting time way down if I had pairs of weights and could do both arms simultaneously. I had a cheque with Christmas money from my Godmother that I never cashed, because I'd been holding on to it for something special. I'd been thinking I would spend it on a yoga mat, but since M brought me one as a gift the last time she visited (it's blue!!!) I've decided to spend the money on more weights. I rarely spend money on myself anymore, since I normally have none, but if I do it is usually on something to help me reach my goals. It's actually a pretty cool feeling.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Thursday

2008-05-15T23:59:00.003-04:00

6 weeks, 6 days till Home!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It was a long day, and I got asked to work tomorrow, so I have to get right into bed. I'm looking forward to a break this weekend, but we have a staff meeting Sat morning, so I can't sleep in. Oh well, I need the money. I've increased my weights for lifting, and I'm hoping it will help me build up some more muscle quickly. I love feelinf the burn at the end of a workout!

Earned 10 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 5 min chest

Countdown to Home!!!!

2008-05-14T23:59:00.004-04:00

The news I've been waiting on has finally arrived!

After much discussion and debating and back and forth between mum and F and even M, the date of my visit home has finally been set! I got the email from mum today with the copy of my itinerary, and I will be leaving on July 2nd, and as she said in her PS...only 7 more weeks!!!

What is absolutely awesome about it is that July 2nd will mark my 1-year anniversary of being on WW! A very fitting way to mark the anniversary, as I've spent the whole time on WW thinking about the next time I go home to visit and wanting to surprise them with my weight loss. I have not breathed one word to them, and it has been a challenge all year to keep my new lifestyle and my successes quiet. It's such an amazing feeling to finally have an exact date to count down to! 7 more weeks to get myself in the best shape I can!

I'm going to do another OP-activity challenge, like I did to countdown to Nightwish (which was a HUGE success), and I commit to being completely OP and to get activity in every day for the next 7 weeks!

Bring it on!! Home, here I come!!

The Concert - Celebration of 100 lbs (soon to be) lost

2008-05-11T19:41:00.007-04:00

Backdated.

Sunday was cloudy and wet and dreary and for some reason almost seemed oddly appropriate. M and I slept in as much as we were able, which wasn't too much, considering that we're both accustomed to waking up relatively early (M of course used to getting up earlier than myself, but I have come a long way in that dept, and I was actually waking up before her). I made breakfast and we basically went back to bed, because Sunday + rain = laying about and not being productive. The little running about we had to do for the weekend got done on Saturday, so we had absolutely nothing planned for Sunday excepting the concert. We spent quality time and listened to Harry Potter and the next thing I knew it was time to start being productive. I kept thinking about how the concert was that night, and it still couldn't seem real to me. I wasn't excited emotionally, just mentally, if that makes any sense. I wasn't feeling much of anything, just thinking about details, and trying to get myself to really understand that it was really going to happen. M got a shower while I made a healthy meal for our dinner, and while it was finishing I grabbed my shower then put on my awesome new jeans. I put on my sexy black shirt that we'd talked about me wearing...but I bought that shirt back in Sept, and yes it was tight then but it sure as hell ain't tight no more, and I got a little distressed because I felt it was too baggy to wear now. I'd worn it a few weeks before without issue, but I felt it had looked okay before, but it had become not okay in the interim. There had been a long sleeve black shirt I'd been hoarding in my closet from my first trip to the thrift store back in Nov, one that I thought too good to pass up but needed to do a lot of shrinking into. I tried it on for F back in Jan before M's last visit, and she really liked it and agreed with me that it was a clubbing shirt, but that I needed to do more shrinking. I'd been thinking back then that perhaps I could wear it for our trip downtown when M visited in Jan, but it was not to be. I'd been thinking since that maybe I could wear it to the concert, tho M thought I should wear my other sexy black shirt, the one I'd bought in Sept and wore downtown in Jan. The reason I wanted so desperately to be able to wear the long-sleeved one if I could was because the other shirt is short sleeved, and I want to hide my flying squirrels if at all possible. I was thinking that a concert could very well involve waving arms above my head/clapping hands above my head, and I hated the thought that my arm flab would be waving about for the world (and possibly the band!!!!) to see. The problem was that 2 or 3 weeks before the concert (I can't remember which) I took the long sleeved shirt out of the closet and tried it on again to gauge whether it was wearable, and at that time it was not...still too snug to wear. So when I tried on the short-sleeved one from Jan on the day of the concert and saw how it was hanging on me suddenly, I was very unhappy. We'd agreed I wanted to wear black, and they were the only black shirts I own for going out. M said I didn't look so bad that I couldn't still wear it, and I thought she was probably right, but I still was unhappy with it, so I went to the closet and pulled out the long-sleeved one just to make sure it was not an option......and when I put it on, it fit fine!!!!! I couldn't believe it, I made M look and look and asked her a bunch of times if I looked okay and she kept saying yes. I just couldn't believe that in just a few weeks I'd gone from not being able to wear it (and I will still wear things if they are snug, from what I can tell from F's standards) to it fitting comfortably. I'm still trying to get my head around it, a bit. I know I've been exercising like a fiend, and that every pound counts more now than it did, but it really seems like all the hard work I've been putting in really paid off when it was getting down to the wire. We were rushed for time there at the end, but at least I went out the door feeling good about how I looked. And feeling my first butterflies, incidently.

The drive to London was uneventful, thankfully. We had a little stress at the very beginning (which is never good) because just as we were leaving I took a look at the page of directions we had from Mapquest, and realised that they were totally and utterly confusing. Thank God we had borrowed D's GPS (after much hemming and hawing), and I made the decision that we were going to trust in it instead of the printed directions. I know M was very tense, and I was a bit tense knowing that, but D's Magic Box didn't let us down, and it got us where we needed to go without problem. Yes, there were moments when we doubted, but we had put our trust in the Magic Box, and did what it told us, and aside from adventures with the Buckley truck making a game of passing us, it was a quiet drive. And I do mean quiet; we didn't talk a whole lot, I for one was a little lost in my head and trying to absorb what was going to happen. Nonetheless I enjoyed the drive and the scenery and knowing I was sharing the experience with someone who means the world to me. The closer we got to London, the more I sank into a quiet kind of nerves and excitement, still mostly tied up with a feeling of disbelief. When we got into London the nerves started to kick it up, and I stared down at the Magic Box more than I looked around, knowing that it was soon going to tell us that the next direction would be our destination. Every so often I would look around and think..."Nightwish is in London. I am in London. I am going to see Nightwish". It still didn't seem real, but it was starting to seem more real than it had at any other point beforehand. When finally the Magic Box told me that our destination was ahead, the butterflies in my stomach suddenly turned into teradactyls, and from that point onward I was officially a Spaz. We came up on the venue, a large club basically, and the first thing I noticed was that there was a huge lineup waiting already. The second were the buses parked alongside the club. The third was that there was absolutely no parking left in the tiny parking lot by the club. This brought on more feelings of tenseness, mostly on M's behalf as it turns out; she was feeling the nerves of being trying to drive in a strange city for the first time, and while I was feeling the nerves of knowing my best friend was feeling nerves, I was mostly feeling the nerves of knowing my favorite band in the whole wide world was within shouting distance, and that I was going to actually see and hear them.

We parked and I left my coat despite the wind and rain, and we walked to the club and after some walking found the end of the line and joined it. By this time I was in full Spaz Mode, and I was staring up at the sign reading "Nightwish May 11" and at the tour buses parked by the club, and trying to get my stomach to hold still. From the moment we spotted the club onward I was no fit company for M, and I feel bad about that, but I think she understood and didn't hold it against me. Indeed, she told me to pose for a pic of me in the line, and told me to take a pic of the sign and so on. She also put up with me gripping her coat and bouncing and being basically unintelligible overall with my constant utterances of "Oh my God! OH MY GOD!!" She even encouraged me to touch the tour bus when we were standing by it, but I was too much of a Spaz and couldn't summon the courage. I kept looking at the club, then looking at the bus, and all I knew is that they were so close, and the knowledge of it was almost more than I could bear. We got in before too long, and the place was packed. There was no more room on the floor, and after a few minutes reconnaisance we went upstairs; there was a balcony area long the second floor looking down on the first floor and stage area. There were people lined along all the railings, but after a bit of searching we found a spot where there we were standing behind two people were weren't very tell, and we could see between them well to the stage area which was almost directly in front of us. So we staked out our spot, and I settled down (in a manner of speaking) to wait for the concert to start. It was maybe a half hour (time had no meaning to me, I can only really guess) before something started, and in that whole time I barely said two words to M I think. I was so so aware of how each moment was agony and exctasy while I waited, because I longed for it to start, but I was too aware of how it would end too soon and I was savouring every single moment of anticipation with a lover's intensity. I kept staring at the stage (which seemed miniscule) until finally a fellow came out and set himself to the drum set. I went into an instant state of alarm and confusion, because one glance told me he was not Jukka...and I had a spot of panic when I thought that I had misunderstood it afterall, and that Nightwish wouldn't actually be there, that it would be maybe one member of the band playing with other artists performing Nightwish songs, and that of course the actual band wouldn't be there, how could I be so foolish as to think I would actually see them in person, when M said something about it being the warm up band, and my panic receded for the most part. The warm up band (whoever they were...we never caught the name) were strange to me because I had not been prepared for them, but I relaxed enough to enjoy their sound and style, and I savoured every moment of their performance, both for what they were, and for the further promise of anticipation. When they were done we had about another half hour I guess for set up, during which I know for a fact I only looked away from the stage area once. I stared and stared and was so caught up in the moment that I was oblivious to everything else and all I could think was that soon it was going to happen and all I could do was to try and keep from breaking down.

And then the lights went down, and the music started. And then Jukka stepped onto the stage. And then I felt like I was on the edge of everything. And then the door opened, and the rest of the band walked out, and it was like every part of me from my breastbone to my hips was being clenched tight tight tight, and I couldn't breathe and I was fighting to stay present and not fall apart completely and at the same time I was so aware of how this was happening right now and that I had to be present and to not miss one moment of it. I was walking a knife edge to experience what was happening without losing myself, while still being in a place where I was living my dream....a dream come true, one I had dreamed of for so many years. Surreal is a word that is so inadequate to describe the experience for me. They were right there, at most 50 feet away from me, so close I could see every expression, could follow their eyes as they looked around the club, and oh! how my heart would stop in my chest when one of their eyes would move to my part of the balcony, and it would seem (and could possibly be, at times!) that their eyes would meet mine. The wonder and the pleasure I would feel at that moment was almost enough to undo me, but I was constantly fighting to stay present. and every nuance and every particle of the night was exposed to me, and I held onto every one as I could. Truly, it was all I could do not to blink as I tried to take in every aspect, every moment, and not to miss a thing. Tuomas was directly across from us, and before the concert even started the knowledge that he would be standing there so close was enough to make me tremble. Watching him perform was an experience beyond words for me, the whole night was, but that especially. It was exactly as I could have expected, if I'd dared to imagine that night (which I had not, truly); to see him perform, to actually live his creations, was an experience that transcended words, that was almost holy for me. The joy I felt, the exctasy, the longing, I was constantly trembling, wiping away tears, laughing in pleasure, transported to another plain of feeling. Perhaps I sound corny, but I am trying to express how it was for me, the most thrilling experience of my life. Yes, I have been that emotional a couple of times before in my life, but those instances were not good experiences; they were times of intense emotion, but those emotions were all negative...grief and sorrow. This was the first time I had ever felt such intense emotion and have the emotions actually be positive.

I couldn't have said afterward how long the concert had lasted, because it went in a blink and at the same time I was so lost in the moment that it could have been all night. I'd been hoping to see them perform "Sleeping Sun", or "Beauty of the Beast", which are my favorite Nightwish songs, but I wasn't expecting they would, since those songs are older and they are touring the new album. They did however perform "While Your Lips Are Still Red", which is another favorite song, and one which has had a lot of very personal meaning to be the last few months. When they began the song I almost got overwhelmed, and I was trying not to start crying so much I couldn't enjoy it. I did take pictures throughout, and my hands were shaking so much during that one that I was afraid I wouldn't get one of them doing my fav song of the night, one I had been hoping so much they would play. I loved how they turned the lights down and concentrated on Tuomas and Marco during that song. The venue was so small that it was really a rather intimate atmosphere, all things considered, and I would not have changed one thing about it. The band was constantly interacting with the crowd, talking to us, tossing things to the people in front of the stage, and even up in the balcony (Tuomas tossed up a bottle of water he had been drinking from). Emppu was constantly tossing out guitar picks, and I was surprised actually at how engaged he was in the performance, as well as the rest of the band. They really did seem to have fun with it, and I loved the interaction back and forth. At one point Marco got down on the floor by Emppu while he was playing, and raised the neck of his bass buitar up between Emppu's legs while he was striking a pose and playing, to make it look like he had a huge boner going on, so silly and so hilarious! Marco was a pleasure to watch, he has such a powerful and energetic personality, playful and naughty and carefree. There was a time where he was talking to us, twisting his long beards and grinning with the most wicked expression that everyone started cheering. I wish I'd had a better view of Jukka on drums, but he was also engaged and I loved his expressions and watching him twirl his sticks between the slower beats. Anette was enjoyable, mostly because I was prepared for her to be inexperienced, but to be honest she is so new to the band that I paid her much less attention than the men. I know if Tarja had still been performing with them I would have been transfixed by her, but she had that kind of presence. Anette has a powerful voice tho, and her accent is not as thick as Tarja's had been. The band's english was very well actually, better than I had expected, I had no trouble understanding what they were saying. I just wish Tuomas had said more, but he definitely prefers to stay to the rear of the limelight. But it was enough to watch him so immersed in his music, he has always been my favorite band member because as a very passionate person myself, the intensity of his own passion has always struck a chord with me. It was so incredible to watch him perform, and see that passion with my own eyes, because it is impossible to mistake it. And until the band left the stage after their encore, I drank in every drop of it until I was so out of it that I couldn't even move. The crowd started to make their way out when the lights came up, but I had to stay there for a while in the balcony, looking at the stage and around at the people leaving, until I collected myself a little. I was all teary and elated and overcome with so much emotion that I wasn't able to talk to M at all. Finally we made our way to the bathroom (a chick in there was having a very long discussion with someone about her tattoo.."it's delicate, it's very delicate") and out of the club. My legs were wobbly and totally unreliable, and I was so out of it that everything seemed strange, but M ended up taking my hand and helping me along. I turned and stared and stared at the buses and the waiting limo, aware that we were leaving, and they were leaving, and that very soon we would no longer be in London together. I was very aware that it was finishing, and that each moment onward would be taking be further away from that incredible night. I couldn't get the tears to stop, but chose to let them do what they pleased, and I cried all the way back to the car. Well, to be honest I cried most of the way to Chatam before I calmed down a bit. There was just so much in my mind, so much feeling about the night. It was more than seeing the band (although that was deinfitely enough to have me in tears); it was being aware of the past year, of all the struggles I've had, of everything that has happened and everything I have done. I felt like I was looking over a stretch of my life, and being aware of how far I had come. I think having experienced something I had never thought I would get to experience but had wanted for so many years made it more clear than it ever had been to me that where I am right now is also come place I had always wanted to be, but never thought I would. Feeling emotion has not always been an easy thing for me over the years, and that night a lot of emotion that had been deep inside me where I couldn't really feel it came spilling out. It was a confusing mass of emotions, and there was actually a lot of grief mixed up with everything, but it was definitely not a bad thing, it was emotion I had been carrying with me like a burden but had never been able to get out. The whole way back to Windsor I kept playing the night over and over in my mind, fixing it all in my memory, not wanting to forget any of it. It had been an experience I want to carry with me forever; the music was wonderful, the atmosphere electic, and the whole band came alive and their personalities were apparent for anyone there to witness them, even M commented on it. And for someone like me, who has loved this band more than any other for so many years, seeing the truth of what I'd hoped for and dreamed of for so long, that it was everything I had ever imagined it to be, and that they were everything I had ever thought they were, was without a doubt the most thrilling and exhillerating experience of my life to this day.

So that was my 100 lb Celebration, and as I said after my 50 lb one, it was a very fitting celebration of an exciting milestone. I'm so very grateful that M was there to share the weekend and that night with me, it would have been a rather poor celebration without her. She was so supportive of me and my Spazzy self at the concert, and she was understanding in the car when I spent the first hour of the drive back just crying and being inside myself. Eventually I came out enough to talk, and eventually we even started singing songs to stay awake till we got back to the city. I got her to take a pic of me when we got back to my flat, to commerate my big night, and someday I will stick it in here when I no longer have to stay anonymous.

It was a good day.

So I'm NOT crazy

2008-05-10T19:20:00.005-04:00

1 day till Nightwish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I love having M here! She thinks I look drastically different since we last saw each other in Jan. We did some running around, I attempted to buy underwear at Walmart (I didn't know what size I needed to buy when I was there the other day) but I decided the mediums were too big and the smalls were too small. I did however take her into the changing room to get her opinion on the mirror there, and she agrees that it is a little bit off, hence the me not being crazy. We went for a river walk, something I had really been looking forward to doing with her since we planned this weekend. We walked less briskly than I am used to, but I think she enjoyed it too, tho perhaps she thought it was a little bit of a long walk. The time goes quickly for me tho, so it's hard for me to tell. Only one day till the concert, it doesn't seem real!!!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking (I counted it as I always do, because I don't think I should earn more APs for walking longer if I walked more slowly)

Friday

2008-05-09T19:04:00.003-04:00

2 days till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: technically yes

I was emotional in the morning and had a hard time getting going. I needed time to myself to think about things (mostly the co-worker being let go) and to get to a place where I was okay. I listened to music and cried quite a bit and then I felt better and was able to get up and get going. I ended up missing out on my workout because of it, but I think the me-time was necessary because I needed to address how I was feeling...it's important to me to be in as good a mood as possible when M is here! I spent the day getting the flat sorted out, but I still managed to get in some "relaxation time" last minute in the evening. ;)

When I went out on Wednesday I hit the Walmart on F's recommendation to see about new jeans. I've never shopped there for clothes before and it was almost surreal for me. I was a little lost about what kind/size to buy, but I selected some to take to the changing room. I figured I should be trying on 16s, but when I held them up they looked too big, so I took some 14s and even a 12 in with me instead. I was not very hopeful about any of it, but the 16s really did look too big, so I figured what the heck, the worst that could happen would be I'd spend longer trying on clothes. I had a moment of annoyance bordering on anger when I went into the changing room and saw my reflection in the full-length mirror in there...I was convinced the mirror was wonky, because it made me look entirely too narrow! I know I'm thinner, but their mirror was taking it too far. I was rather indignant that they were putting wonky mirrors in their changing rooms...are they trying to get people to buy more clothes because they will love how they look when they try it on? How dishonest! I went ahead and tried on a pair of the 14s, and when they felt snug when I was hauling them up over my legs I thought "oh yeah here we go", but the next thing I knew they were going up over my backside, and my eyebrows went up and then I was tugging them over my hips and I thought "wait a minute.." and then I was fastening them and doing up the zipper and my jaw dropped. Then I generally had a fit. They looked GOOD! I tried on the others...and they fit too!!! Even the size 12, tho it was a tiny bit snug. I ended up going with the first pair I tried on, thinking they would be awesome for the concert. I basically floated out the door and walked to the thrift store to see if I could find a pair of blue jeans (the other pair are dark) and some pants and shirts for walking and such. I spent quite some time there, got an awesome pair of bluejeans and some clothes for casual wear. I spent quite a bit of money, but it was money I had planned to spend on the slow cooker at work that has been reduced, but since D gave me his old one I was able to spend the money on clothes instead. It's crazy to have options with clothes...and to feel good wearing them!!!

Earned 5 APs today: 100 min housework

Learn from challenge and change

2008-05-08T22:16:00.003-04:00

3 days till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Okay it turns out I had a lot less time today than I had anticipated, and my head is a mess tonight after an emotional day at work. I shall have to try and do a proper post tomorrow if I can find a spare minute someplace...which is an almost laughable concept, but it doesn't hurt to hope, right?

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Well..fuck!

2008-05-07T23:36:00.003-04:00

4 days till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I'll have to make a proper post tomorrow, if I can. It's late and I really must get to bed. Was a long day of running about, but I got some things accomplished, and I got my workout in. More tomorrow.

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

Dreaming of things you want

2008-05-06T20:31:00.005-04:00

5 days till Nightwish!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It's been a long day and I am tired, but I feel pretty good physically and otherwise. Work was fine, some frustration there at the end, but spending time with D makes up for it. I had a wonderful, wonderful lunch break, just before the dinner rush when the lunchroom fills up and gets noisy. I had the room to myself, no tv on, the newspaper was interesting, and my food was sooo delicious. I finally got around to trying out the spaghetti squash I bought, and the results were all I could hope for. Spaghetti squash will definitely be on my menu often. The same with zucchini; D took me shopping today and I bought both. I'm still horrified at the amount of money I've been spending on food, but I'm being as frugal as possible, and I'm not wasting anything. I just need to accept the fact that food is expensive these days. Either way I did splurge yesterday and fried out the lean ground beef that had been sitting in my freezer for a couple of months, and threw it in the spaghetti squash lasagna I made, along with some peppers. The smell of the meat was enough to make me weak-legged...made me think of all the times I used to make my own nachos. I find it immensely pleasing that I'm confident enough to tweak recipes to try out things I might like. The meat really set the meal off, tho I think next time I will use less of it to keep the points down. I showed D my leftovers today because I was so proud, and he actually was covetting my dinner, which made me ecstatic because it was something I actually made myself! I could hardly believe that someone would really want something I made, definitely an awesome feeling! I bought a few ingredients today that I've not had before, and I'm ready to try another new recipe or two and see if I like them. Who knows, maybe I'll get the hang of this whole cooking thing someday :D

I have soo much to do tomorrow. I want to try and see a physician on account of my ears are starting to drive me round the bend with the way they get all crazy and make it sound like I'm under water or stuck half way through a yawn. It used to only happen when I exercised, but now it happens more often; yesterday at work it was happening constantly and I thought I was going to yank them off. The only thing that fixes it is bending over, so I looked mental because I seemed to be constantly examining my knees. I was probably talking strangely/loudly too, I couldn't hear myself properly half the time. I also need to go to the thrift store and see if I can't get some pants. Thankfully there's a walk in clinic on the same road as the thrift store, I might be able to get everything done without having to get buses all over the city. There's also a Walmart on that road, I'm not sure if it's between the walk in and the thrift store, tho. F has been telling me to check there for clothes. I'm not necessarily a fan of Walmart, but it would be awesome if I could use it as an option for pants, with money so non-existant. I have no idea what size I might be fitting into now, it will be interesting to find out. For the last week I've been getting so many comments along the lines of "going down to nothing" and "soon going to disappear". When I showed up Saturday morning at work for the staff meeting dressed in civvies, one of the managers that I had closed with the night before looked at me and said "what, did you go and lose 10 lbs since last night??" I thought it was really sweet, actually. He's said some really nice things, never asked for a number, just telling me that he thinks I'm looking great and I should be really proud of myself. I guess I truly am at that stage where 5 lbs can make a difference. All I know is I still feel so big, and I'm starting to understand that it is mostly because of all the sag I have around my middle, mostly. If I look at myself from the waist up I look smaller to myself, but when I see my middle I look so big. I've been reading up a bit on plastic surgery options, and I found out that some clinics will give you financing options, so you don't have to wait and save up the amount beforehand, you can have the sugery and pay it off. There is a woman from WW who is paying hers off for $130 a month, which seems very reasonable to me. It's nice to know that I might not have to wait years and years before I can get myself fixed up. Of course it's not going to happen any time soon either, but it's still nice feeling like it is something I might be able to do before I thought I would be able to manage it. Lots of people pay off cars. I'd be perfectly happy taking the bus and paying off the surgery, I know which one would make me happier!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Then again...

2008-05-05T22:58:00.003-04:00

6 days till Nightwish!!!!!!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I need to get to bed so this will be brief. I have to be up in 6 hours for work, but unfortunately I am not the least bit sleepy at the moment. I just finished working out and I guess I'm hyped up on endorphins, because 3 1/2 hours ago I felt ready to go right to bed instead of exercise. But I am determined to get my three workouts in this week, and that means exercising tonight even tho I never do my workout on Mon. I didn't get home from work till after 4, then I had to get supper which took a long time because I cooked again. I don't have time to do my weekly summary tonight, will have to wait till tomorrow evening.

Earned 10 APs today: 30 min walk areobics, 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 chest

This time next week

2008-05-04T21:21:00.004-04:00

1 week till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I don't know what's up with me tonight. I feel so spacey, almost like I've had a few beers. I didn't get as much sleep last night as I normally would, but I still got a decent amount. I feel spacey like I do when it's been over 24 hours since I've had any sleep. I only ate twice today (yes I know, my bad), but my mealtimes were thrown off because I needed to get milk for breakfast and was trying to juggle that with doing laundry and the next thing I know I'm eating breakfast at dinnertime. I went for a walk in the afternoon and ended up not having a middle meal, but by suppertime I was really hungry and I guess that might account for the spaceyness. I made the spaghetti squash lasagna recipe from the website I discovered recently and which was basically the reason I bought the spaghetti squash in the first place. It took a while to make but it was more than worth it. I felt obscenely proud of myself when I was eating it, it's the first time I felt like I actually cooked something, even tho it was such a simple recipe. I think spaghetti squash might become a staple of my diet. And zucchini...I've fallen head over heels for zucchini! Either way I am feeling too weird tonight to feel up to calculating the numbers for my weekly summary. I will do it tomorrow and add it on.

Earned 6 APs today: 100 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 41 APs
10.9 hours (655 min) total activity
26 miles (41.8 kms) walked
35 FPs remaining
4.4 lbs lost
Current weight: 196.8

Come now, I'm sure today can get suckier!

2008-05-03T22:02:00.003-04:00

1 week, 1 day till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

The staff meeting this morning was useless and long and boring. The day was rainy. I wasn't able to get all of my workout in because I rearranged my day for someone who ended up being SO not worth it. Just home from work and just wishing I could have a few stiff drinks to take the edge off this sucky day. Oh well, guess I'll have to be miserable instead.

Earned 7 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics, 20 min (core), 30 min shoulders, 30 min biceps/triceps.

Edit: just before I posted a friend came online and started chatting with me, heard I'd had a crappy day, and said we'll go out and have fun. So actually I guess the day wasn't able to get suckier after all, it seems.

Onederland!

2008-05-02T21:17:00.003-04:00

1 week, 2 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Well it is finally official, with my WI in today I am now in Onederland!!!! It's a little mind boggling to be out of the 200s, I really wouldn't be able to say how young I was when I went over 200 lbs, but I know I had to be pretty young. It was definitely the best part of today, which didn't go very well overall, frustrating day at work mostly, and rain to boot. I just got home and we have a staff meeting in the morning so I basically have to go right to bed. I did another day of having my big meal for dinner and using my meal at work for my supper meal, and I'm really pleased that I'm pulling it off okay. I actually got up earlier than I would have today so I could get breakfast in early enough to do it. It's great that I don't have to make supper now, like I usually do, I just need to have some pudding to get my second dairy in, I missed out on mydessert earlier and I think it will leave me feeling satisfied, since I'm feeling that weird aware that I am not full sensation that I was feeling last night. I think I'm going to try and keep this up and see how it goes for me, might be a good way of mixing things up for myself. Anyhoo I need to get things sorted and get to bed, have to be up at 5:00am! :(

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Take another little piece of my heart

2008-05-01T23:26:00.005-04:00

1 week, 3 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I'd had today all planned out, but I got asked to work part of it went out the window. I didn't get a river walk in, which is always disappointing to me now. I had to split the workout but it all got done eventually. I wanted to be done eating by 8:30 tops and actually I was finished an hour and a half before that, because I had "supper" before I left for work, and brought my dinner with me to eat on my 15 min break. I really did not want to have to come home and eat supper at 11pm, so I cut my workout short to give me enough time to have my big meal before work. I felt really good afterward actually, and while I'm feeling a little hungry since I've got home from work, it's nothing drastic. I think it just feels weird because I am soo used to being full at this time of night. I'm closing at the store the next two days as well, so maybe I will be able to do the same thing...but for that to work tomorrow that will require having an early breakfast...which means getting up early......which further means getting to bed early. Hmm..might want to get on that.

Earned 10 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

For a memory of one kind word

2008-04-30T22:46:00.003-04:00

1 week, 4 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I didn't do my workout today, although I had planned to, but it is okay because I can do it tomorrow instead. Since I'm not working on Friday, I wouldn't be able to do it Friday anyway, I'll have to fit it in Saturday between the morning staff meeting and my evening shift. I'm not beating myself up over not getting in three workouts this week, but I'm still not happy about it either. I've been feeling such an intense sense of urgency lately, I feel like I'm running out of time. I know it's not a race and I've said that often, but suddenly it feels like one. I know this is all tied up with me going home this summer, it looks like I'll be going sometime in July. With May coming on, July suddenly seems to be breathing down my neck. I know I wouldn't be feeling like this if I weren't going home, but I still don't want to start feeling anxious about this. It's just so important to me to get to where I want to be for when I go home. I still have lots to go and I see things slowing down so much that I'm worried I'm not going to be any farther along than I am now. Before when I was losing so consistently it never bothered me because I had faith that by that time I would be at goal, but now things are different. I'll just have to treat it like the Nightwish concert, and concentrate on being OP and getting my activity instead. I imagine by the time the concert happens I could very well know when I'm going home exactly, and I think I will just start another countdown. It will be much better for me to keep focussing on my behaviours and not the scale so much. Nonetheless I have been wondering whether I'm actually at a plateau, and whether I should try something different. A switch to Core might be called for, or perhaps the Wendie plan to mix things up. I'm not sure what I'm at now, I've not weighed since my last WI, on account of late meals and early breakfasts and how those throw off the number anyway. I've just not been in the mood to see the scale up like it's been. I'll be interested in seeing what the scale says this week, I only know that I feel like my clothes are looser this week in particular, and that I'm consistently hungry like I normally never am. I'm trying to listen to my body and give it what it needs; this afternoon I ended up taking a nap instead of exercising, because I was tired. I honestly have no idea what to expect at WI. Last week I showed a gain, but it was also the Week of Big Gain so I was not surprised. When I look at the graph of my WIs, the Week of Big Gain makes the line loop upwards a little, so that the weeks in between look to hang between them...looks rather like a necklace. I hope I don't have trouble getting to sleep tonight after that long nap this afternoon. I did wake up from it and go for a nice river walk tho. I met the nicest gentleman, I passed him walking west very near where I usually turn around and start heading back that way. He was older, and I figured I would be lapping him soon enough, but instead I trailed behind him most of the way back to the bridge. That rarely happens to me, and I was amused and impressed enough that when I finally came abreast of him and he looked over and greeted me I had to tell him that he had led me on a merry chase, and that I'd been trying forever to catch up to him. He laughed and said he bet I don't get many people passing me. We walked together till he came to his turn around, and had a lovely chat. Turns out he has a daughter with my name. I do hope I see him walking again, it's nice to meet a kindred spirit.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

I am not one bit contrary

2008-04-29T23:03:00.004-04:00

1 week, 5 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

There's a co-op student at work who also likes Nightwish, and he is a pleasure to work with. We rubbed each other the wrong way to begin with, but since then we have come to understand each other and we have tonns of fun working together. I use words he's unfamiliar with and he always asks me what they mean, then tries to use it in a sentence. Work hasn't been particularly pleasant lately on the organisational front, and having the opportunity to laugh is most of what keeps me sane there.

It was a long, long, long, hungry day. I guess it was the getting up so early, but the day seemed to stretch and strain forever. There was lots to do and it's not like the time dragged, it just felt like there were about 6 hours added to the work day. I was hungry today too, nearing mealtimes. I'm not sure what's up with the hunger lately, but I'm guessing it is related to my activity level. Incidently I did not get a full round of exercise in today, the day didn't work out as I'd planned and it was late when I got home and I was so hungry. I did get a short walk in, but my exercise plan for the week has now gone utterly awry. In order to get three workouts in this week and next I would have to go Tues-Thurs-Sat this week so that I can go Mon-Wed-Fri next week when M comes to visit. I guess I'll only be getting in 2 workouts this week. Sucky.

Earned 3 APs today: 40 min brisk walking

The improvements were for the rest of the store

2008-04-28T20:35:00.003-04:00

1 week, 6 days till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It was a rather hectic day at work and I am tired and achy tonight. The time went in a blink and the next thing I knew I was starving for my dinner. I was also really hungry for my supper. Both meals tasted wonderful, and left me satisfied. Food has tasted really really good to me the past couple of days, even tho I'm not doing anything differently to it. Apples seem like dessert to me for some reason. I was physically tired when I got home, and mentally stressed, and I was tempted to choose exercise that would be shorter, but I also wanted to do something demanding because I got asked to come in for 6am tomorrow instead of 7am, and I want to be able to sleep early tonight. I considered the elliptical but ended up just going for a river walk, because I wanted an easy kind of demanding, the kind from longer duration as opposed to high intensity. I was glad to get home, my legs and hips are achy, and my back between my shoulder blades was killing me again. I'm glad I went tho, achy or not, it still felt good to move without having to think too much.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

In the morning I get up and I try to feel alive but I can't

2008-04-27T20:14:00.007-04:00

2 weeks till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Another day where I had a hard time starting, and I didn't want to do anything at all. I was having dreams I'd rather not have had and I woke up in quite the funk. I'd wanted to get a river walk in today along with my workout, but it didn't happen because I was so late starting, and I took a little longer than usual to finish it up. But on a day like today it is an accomplishment enough just to have got it all done, and I did get a short walk in, so it wasn't a complete loss. I don't know why exactly but I've been feeling so fat the past few days that it would be disheartening if I let it get to me. I'm blaming it on my mood (which could possibly be caused by hormones at this point of my cycle) and I'm not giving in to the negative thinking. I just hate how I can still look at myself in the mirror and think I look awful, even if it's only sometimes that I think it, and not always, like before.

Earned 12 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 25 min brisk walking

Weekly summary:
Earned 45 APs
15.8 hours (945 min) total activity
32 miles (51.5 kms) walked
19 FPs remaining
.8 lbs gained
Current weight: 201.2

But you can't leave...there's cupcakes!

2008-04-26T21:19:00.006-04:00

2 weeks, 1 day till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Okay, technically I can't call it an OP day yet, because I've not had my last meal, but I'll eat and meet any requirements I have left to meet. I just want to post now while I still have some of my wits about me. I got home from work in the early evening and went right for a walk. D brought me home and took me shopping along the way, so was able to stock up on veggies. Again I was struck by how pleasurable it is to shop with someone else when you're both shopping healthy. I really do love not having to feel ashamed of what I'm buying and not having to feel like I should make excuses for my choices. The problem is we were both shopping hungry and were both drooling over all the things we didn't intend to buy. We didn't buy anything we shouldn't tho, but it made for an amusing shopping trip, what with us both being constantly distracted by anything "shiney". I've noticed I've been hungry this week, not sure what that is a sign of. I have been getting a lot of activity in, so I don't know if that is it. I'm satisfied when I eat my meals, but I'm getting hungrier just before I eat them than I usually am. Maybe I will need to start working in snacks if this keeps up, I'll have to listen and try to figure out what my body's telling me. Well, right now it is trying to tell me to go eat already, so I should get on that.

ps: I did eat a complete supper last night despite the temptation not to...squee!

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Never again will be, I cry

2008-04-25T23:04:00.003-04:00

2 weeks, 2 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I have to choose between having a late supper, and just having a glass of milk and going to bed. With one, I will go to bed full, but will have gotten in three meals. With the other, I will have met the requirements, but will have only technically been OP. I have to work in the morning, and I think if I slack off and don't eat tonight, it will be a long hungry day tomorrow. I think I'll go try to make supper as fast as I can, and eat and go to bed. It's my bad for leaving it this late anyway. I'm still trying to get myself together, I was late late late getting started today; I got to sleep just fine last night, but I had nightmares upon nightmares, and I woke up way too soon. Hopefully tonight goes better.

Earned 16 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest, 85 min brisk walking

When it's killing me when will I really see

2008-04-24T23:59:00.003-04:00

2 weeks, 3 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I'm sleepy tonight, much more sleepy than I should be in light of how much I slept last night. I woke up at a decent time I'm sure, but I didn't want to face the day so I went back to sleep without looking at the time, and slept as long as I possibly could instead. It's been a long time since I've done that, and it was late when I finally got up. Of course, for years and years getting up at 10:30am was astonishingly early for me, to the point that people would exclaim about it once they learned it happened. I felt guilty this morning, but I suppose I should cut myself some slack now that I'm looking at it on the flip side of the day. My usual wake up time nowadays is about 9:15am, give or take a few, so I wasn't THAT much later....not to mention that 10:30 is still nothing to be ashamed of in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I should be proud that I actually feel guilty about "sleeping in" till 10:30...for years there my usual wake up time was after 1:00pm. There was a really bad time there a few years ago that it was more like 3pm. Those were the bad old days when I wasn't able to get to sleep like normal people, and I would be up till 6am all the time. It's pretty hard to believe that I am actually able to sleep like normal people now. I can't wait to finish this and go to bed. And the beauty is I know I'll be asleep at most 10 min max after I lay down. That actually is astonishing, for me. And it is the norm now. I don't know if it is the new lifestyle making me so sleepy tonight, or if it's just where my hormones are at for this particular part of the month, but either way I'll take it.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Eventually

2008-04-23T22:42:00.002-04:00

2 weeks, 4 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

I did well today in light of how unmotivated I was to do anything other than just breathe. I've been really tired all day. I couldn't seem to get going at all, but I did get my three meals in, and I also got the activity in. The problem is, it took hours longer to do the activity than it usually does, because I really didn't want to be exercising and I kept taking time-outs. It might not have been as good as a workout done in a more time efficient manner, but I am very happy that I got through it all despite how much I didn't want to do it. I'd wanted to go for a river walk, but I knew if I went before the exercise, I would use tired legs as an excuse not to work out when I got back, and it was too late by the time I was done because it took so long. I did get a brief walk in when I went to the grocery, however, and I enjoyed that. I'll get a river walk in tomorrow before I go to work, hopefully the weather cooperates. I noticed when I walked yesterday that I didn't get the pain between my shoulders, so I'm hoping that tomorrow will be the same. I tried to stay loose, but I have no idea whether it was something I did that helped, because the other times I was trying to stay loose too, but I still hurt. The scale is showing me down, but that is not surprising after yesterday's shenannigans. I don't know how much of it will stick for Friday tho, because I'll probably be eating a late supper tomorrow night since I'm working the closing shift. I'm not so preoccupied by what the scale will say as I am by other things right now, particularly starting the Couch to 5K program soon. As little as I wanted to lift today, I did feel compelled to run, and I almost decided to start it today, but I'd likely be doing the program on my off days, which means if I started today I wouldn't be able to get in 3 days before the end of the week. I'm thinking strongly that I will start it next week. I actually get nervous thinking about it. I also upped the intensity of some of the exercises in my workout today. I've been getting some advice and have been thinking about working out at a higher intensity to try and build more muscle more quickly. I don't have a lot of options since I have to work with what resources I have, but there are still some things I can do. There's a long way I can go with it, but it's nice feeling like there's so much room for improvement, it's motivating for me, oddly. I'm enjoying this very much, and I like knowing that it will take time to get there. I started the day out in a wretched mood, but I feel a lot better tonight, and I know it was the exercise that did it. I can't imagine not being active now, it's too much a part of my life.

Earned 11 APs today: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders, 35 min biceps/triceps, 15 min chest

You could have been all I wanted

2008-04-22T23:59:00.003-04:00

2 weeks, 5 days till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

It was a barely OP day, I got my requirements in but I didn't have supper and I went to the pub. It really wasn't a good day.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

He was the wizard of a thousand kings

2008-04-21T22:38:00.002-04:00

2 weeks, 6 days till Nightwish!!!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Wow, it's getting warm in my flat already...I'm sitting here almost in a sweat not doing anything. I do so hope I am better able to handle the heat this time around, especially since I won't have A/C again this year. It was an uneventful day, I was supposed to finish work at 2:30pm but my coworker asked if I would stay till 4 for him and I need money so I said yes. I didn't mind, the day was a short one still, and the time went really fast. Only the bus took too long to get downtown and I missed my transfer and it was 5:30 before I got home. I just changed and went right for a river walk. It's so strange, almost as soon as I start walking now I get this terrible ache right between my shoulder blades. I have no idea what I'm doing to cause it, but it is really distracting and annoying and painful. I've tried doing different things when I walk to see if anything will relieve it, but I can't pinpoint what I'm doing exactly. I have noticed my posture is changing, but I would think an improved posture would make me hurt so much between my shoulderblades. I'm wondering if I tense up somehow, trying to walk straight-backed. I'm at a complete loss, all I can do is hope it is temporary. I actually just wanted to eat when I got home, but I made myself go for my walk first. I thought it really strange to be hungry like that, because I seldom feel my stomach growl in the daytime, but tonight when I was doing my book-keeping for the last few days (yes, I've been letting it go again, shame on me!) I saw that I actually ate a LOT less points yesterday than I had thought (I'd had something other than my usual supper but didn't track it at the time because I had almost all my FPs plus my APs for yesterday). Turns out I didn't even eat all my DPs, so I guess it is no wonder I felt hungry today. I ate all my DPs today, plus my APs, and I feel really good, supper definitely left me feeling satisfied. Now I think I will catch up on things online since I've not surfed anything yet today, and then maybe watch a movie and get some Zzs. Got a call this evening asking me to work tomorrow, so if I want to squeeze in a full round, I'll have to be on the ball and wake up early.

Earned 5 APs today: 80 min brisk walking

Sunday

2008-04-20T23:59:00.003-04:00

3 weeks till Nightwish!
-OP: yes
-activity: yes

Back-dated. Never got a chance to post on Sunday, was tired and slept late and then had to get my activity in, and ended up going to bed early.

Earned 9 APs: 30 min walk aerobics (2-mile), 20 min core, 15 min lower body, 50 min shoulders

Weekly summary:
Earned 45 APs
11.4 hours (685 min) total activity
21 miles (33.8 kms) walked
33 FPs remaining
1.6 lbs lost
Current weight: 200.4